THOUGHTS OF A NATURE DARK AND TERRIBLE
There followed over the next few weeks an uneasy peace. Von Krolock treated her with the utmost tenderness and delicacy, granting her any request.
He stopped feeding entirely and survived solely on emergency rations, what he took from the larder, and Sarah's breakfast tray. Mostly he felt he was surviving on their love alone. She did not question this. She was quieter these days and he did not know what was in her mind.
Her smile and laughter returned after a time. She was his own sweet Sarah, the only light in his darkness.
They made love as much as possible. He would sing to her in bed, pianissimo against her neck and ear. His seductive baritone voice alone would drive her almost insane with desire for him. She went outside less often. He did the bare minimum for his estate. It was as if being together almost around the clock could dissipate the ever-present cloud hovering over them. He felt it, even if she did not.
One morning, after an ecstatic night together, von Krolock awakened to the smell of blood. He was dreaming, no doubt. He had never gone this long without fresh blood. He leaned over groggily to kiss his sleeping Sarah but suddenly sat up and stared at her. He sprang up from the bed.
Her monthly courses had come again. The scent was intoxicating and dangerous, for it made him want to...Oh, Hell. He would bite, whether she wanted him to or not.
It was necessary for her to vacate his bed and stay away from him until her time was past. Otherwise, he could not be responsible for his actions. She knew this. They had been through it before.
The first night without her was bitterly lonely for von Krolock. He now had all the time in the world to feed, but he didn't leave the castle walls. In the dead of night, he brooded alone up on the battlements, remembering their first encounter there. It seemed a lifetime ago. Sarah seemed miles away, instead of in another wing of his castle.
If the first night was merely lonely, the next few nights were Hell.
Without Sarah as a distraction, thoughts of a nature dark and terrible came to him unbidden.
Eternity loomed before him, but he now knew he would not share it with Sarah. She was too pure, too precious to ever be transformed. He knew this in his dead soul. Maybe he had always known it. It was clearer to him now than anything in his long existence.
He moved around his estate restlessly, as if trying to escape this reality. He could not shake it off. How could this be happening to him? All those centuries before she was born he had been waiting for her. He had watched her as a small child, witnessed her blossom into the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. She was destined to be his, he knew this.
Only not for all time.
In life, von Krolock had never been a moral man. He had indulged in carnal lust, had mistresses aplenty. He was indifferent to the Church and seldom attended Mass. And yet...Sarah's faith was so strong. He could not take it away from her, rob her of the hope in God.
If he loved her less, he could stifle all these doubts and transform her. He could subdue her physically and thrust his fangs deep into her throat, as he had done with hundreds of women, whether they wanted immortality or not. But with Sarah...it would be like violent rape.
He was on the battlements again the following night. It was raining hard. He lifted his head to the sky and shrieked in pain. He collapsed onto the ground and pounded it with his fist, his cape spreading all around him. He was soaked to the skin and sobbing uncontrollably. The thunderous storm raged on, and his cries of despair were lost in the wind.
It had been almost a week and Sarah's courses would soon be coming to an end. Von Krolock sat in his library, motionless in thought. He had still not fed or eaten in days, he had only drunk water which he had grown to crave.
The initial panic had faded and he was now more rational. He was thinking of her, only of her and what would be best. It gave him purpose to formulate a plan, all for her benefit. Not his. Those days were over.
He would give her up. She wouldn't want him to, but he would make her understand. He would remind her of everything she would gain. She could practice her faith, marry, give birth to children, live in the sun, and know she had the promise of Heaven after death. He could be very persuasive when he wished. He had convinced many women to return to their families. He would convince Sarah.
She would never see him again. But he would see her. He would render himself invisible and observe her through life. He would need to ensure that all was well, and if not, he would interfere in any way he could without revealing himself. He would doubtless witness her wedding night, if he could bear it. The thought devastated him but he would do so, if only to see for himself that Sarah had endured well enough.
For never could he stand by to see her abused by her husband or have some accident befall her that he could prevent. He would become her angel again, her protector. He would devote his entire existence to her until her death. He wished a long life for her. He would see her growing older. If by some miracle her soul passed into Heaven during the night, he would be invisibly at her side as she breathed her last, and only then would he cast his spell and sing his song for her, the last thing she would hear before meeting her Maker, so that she would know he had loved her until death and beyond.
And after? It was simple. He would also die. He would be ready and willing. He would walk directly into the sunlight and dissolve into nothing. Would there be anything after? He doubted it. It didn't matter. She would be an eternal angel and he would be dust.
He would have a will drawn up and leave his estate to Sarah's future children, or, if she had no surviving issue, his servants. He would inform them all of this eventuality and that would encourage them to assist him in a last act that would benefit humanity: he would reveal to his heirs the hiding places of all the vampires in the forest and ensure that each and every one of them met their deaths via a stake through the heart. The villagers would see to that. But what of Johanna, she who had served as his mistress for centuries? He would see to her end himself, with one merciful blow as she slept.
As for his own end, there remained one hope, though a very faint one. He would confront the light in his family's chapel within the castle. The stained glass window reflected the sunlight wonderfully. He remembered that after all of these centuries. He had never demolished the chapel, despite the huge cross at the altar. His servants used it and as long as he never entered, there was no danger.
But enter it he would, on this, his last day of existence. He would kneel at the altar and let the sun fall on his face. If he had time before he dissolved he would pray that God forgive all his sins, and let him enter Paradise to reunite with his beloved.
Either God would hear him, or he would be obliterated. It was not up to him and he would submit to his fate.
He was at peace. A perfect peace because he found joy in Sarah's liberation. He must think of her and only her.
Her courses were over and they were together again. By now, von Krolock was very weak. He had not fed nor ingested any mortal food for so long, he knew he wouldn't have the strength to make love to her for the last time. He would have to leave her to feed directly after dinner. He saw to it that she was served all her favorites, and the scent of the meat, the fruit, easily reached his nostrils. He was so happy for her. Truly. Sarah would have a lifetime of health on such food. She would never know the taste of blood.
The meal finished, they rose and he embraced her, mindful to comport himself as if this were any other evening, although he wanted to crush her against his chest and sob desperately into her hair.
She looked up at him, a frown on her face. "My lord...are you...what is wrong?"
He smiled sadly down at her. "I'm tired. I thirst. I must feed tonight, my sweet."
"You were so quiet at dinner." She touched his face and he grasped her hand, kissing her fingers reverently.
"I will feel better after I feed. Wait for me, Sarah—" To his horror, his voice broke. He tried to hide it with a kiss. He released her and strode quickly away.
Von Krolock used no discretion in hunting his prey. Time was marching on. He could not afford to be selective. He came across a barmaid exiting a tavern and slammed her against a fence. She screamed. Von Krolock ripped her sleeve and exposed her shoulder and neck. Clearly, she feared rape but when the lights from the tavern revealed his bared fangs, her cry of terror made him hesitate. He stared down at her, his face ghastly.
"Get me some ale." He shoved her towards the tavern door. She stood frozen, too frightened to move.
"Did you hear me, woman?" von Krolock snarled. "Get me some ale! A whole stein's worth! Or I will tear your throat open!" His booming voice was terrifying.
The barmaid ran inside. Von Krolock waited, his panting breath visible in the cold. He had no idea if the ale would have the desired effect in place of blood, but he could not feed,wouldnot feed, until Sarah was gone. He would never face her again with blood oozing from his mouth.
The barmaid emerged with a stein. He grabbed it without a word, turned his back, and guzzled down the frothy liquid in seconds.
"Another." His voice was guttural. Somehow he knew drunkenness was something he would not feel, just as he could not sicken. He gulped down the second stein just as quickly, threw it at the astonished barmaid's feet. The ale was having the desired effect, and he spread his wings, miraculously.
Despite his command for her to wait for him, Sarah was fast asleep upon his return. So he would have one more night to rouse her to love. He bathed quickly. Absentmindedly, he noticed that his arms appeared to have gained an almost lifelike hue. He touched his face thoughtfully. Was this what Ludwig had meant about his pallor? He rose from the bath. He didn't care what was happening to him. All that mattered was Sarah.
Von Krolock gazed down at her, lying sweetly in his bed made for her. It reminded him so much of the first night when he touched her in her little bedroom as she slept.
He lay down and held her, singing into her ear to wake her:
"Schweb mit mir in den Abgrund der Nacht
Und verlier dich in mir
Wir werden bis zum Ende jeder Ewigkeit gehn
Ich hüll dich ein in meinen Schatten..."
(Float with me in the abyss of night.
And lose yourself in me
We will go until the end of eternity
I'll wrap you up in my shadow...)
She smiled with her eyes closed.
Von Krolock lowered himself to taste her, as he had the first time. They had come full circle.
If Sarah wasn't awake before, she certainly was now as she moved her hips against him. He looped his arms around her thighs to sink his mouth in deeper. He moaned and his deep voice vibrating against her combined with the force of his tongue made her cry out her joy.
He made love to her for the remainder of the night. Von Krolock was sometimes achingly tender, sometimes brutally passionate. What mattered most was her absolute pleasure, for he wanted her to remember this night and cherish it all her life.
Dawn was approaching. He thrust into her for the last time. He was exhausted but needed to be inside of her once more. He wasn't able to wait for her, and when his climax came upon him, he shouted out his love for Sarah, collapsing onto her breast in tears.
His dearest love...how could he do this to her? He would break her heart but he must do so. She was so young. She may suffer now, but with maturity, she would come to understand his great sacrifice for her sake.
Von Krolock watched her sleep while he wept quietly, not wishing to wake her. He whispered:
"Uns beide trennt nur noch ein winziges Stück
Wenn ich dich rufe hält dich nichts mehr zurück..."
(Only a tiny distance separates us now
When I call you, nothing will hold you back...)
He would tell her upon her awakening. He was too tired to think. His fangs were aching in a way they never had before. He tried baring them to ease the sensation but they stayed retracted. He didn't care. Sarah was all that mattered. Sleep would give him the strength to do what he must do.
Enfolding his love in his arms, despite his torment, he fell into the strangest, most restful sleep of his existence.