Author's Note: Thanks for your reviews! Give them a little time; there's going to be clashing until they find their balance and feel comfortable expressing themselves about the touchy subjects that will come up.

Chapter 3

On Tuesday afternoon as Castle approached the café, he spotted Johanna at the table they had sat at the week before. A white ceramic coffee cup was sitting within reach of her fingertips and her attention was upon something on the tablet she held.

"You're late," Johanna said, her gaze still upon her tablet.

Castle glanced at his watch. "It's 12:02."

"You said noon," she replied; "People are looking at me like I've been stood up."

He smirked at her as he sat down across from her. "How would you know; you've got your eyes on a screen."

"I look around every few seconds," she answered as she glanced at him. "I can also feel it."

"Uh huh; just for curiosity's sake; what time did you get here?"

"I got here at 11:45," Johanna stated; her fingers tapping against the screen as she typed. "Since I was told not to be late."

"May I ask what you're doing?"

"Leaving a message for my students to get this assignment done that's been online since last Wednesday and is due by midnight tonight. Only half of one class has finished it and maybe a quarter of the other one…my inbox better be getting filled or they're going to regret it come tomorrow," she answered.

"How will they know you left a message?" Castle asked. "I just had to wait until I got to class to be yelled at when I was in college."

"Yeah; most us did," Johanna replied; "But now you have to do online assignments as well as traditional assignments…and when I post a note to my page online where I post the assignments, it sends them all an alert because they're all registered on the page…so hopefully right about now there's a tremor of panic at the words 'or else' in that alert that went out."

"You actually said that?!"

"Oh yeah; I always do when they're lagging…they have to fear you a little…in one way or another."

"And do you have success with your 'or else' online threat?" he asked.

"It seems to work for the most part."

Castle gave a nod. "Did you get those papers graded that you were in such a hurry to get home to last week?"

"Yes," she replied as her tablet chimed with a notification. "Oh good; the first excuse has likely rolled in."

Castle smiled. "May I hear it if there is one?"

Johanna opened the message. "Mrs. Beckett, may I have an extension on this assignment? I was busy doing charity work and forgot all about it."

"Charity work?" he laughed. "I have to admit, I haven't heard that excuse before. Do you think it's legitimate?"

It's questionable but I'll ask her to give me proof since some classes do require a little community service type of work. If she can give me proof; I'll extend the deadline for her; if not, she better get to it."

"What are the chances you'll get proof of the charity work?"

Johanna shrugged. "With this one it's usually a toss up; sometimes she's telling the truth, sometimes she's not. There were a lot of parties on campus this past weekend…so I'm having a feeling that the excuses will outweigh the completed assignments."

"How do you know there were a lot of parties?"

"I make it my business to know," she replied. "I know which of my kids are in fraternities, sororities, and any other club; I know which kids are holding down jobs, ones that are helping a single parent raise younger siblings. I know one student is a young mother with a six month old baby that she's brought to class once because she can't always find a sitter. I know the ones who are trying and the ones who think they'll get through because daddy has enough money to pay the way…those ones just don't realize that I'm not for sale and I will fail them if they don't put in the time and the work. I know when there are dances and seasonal events, I know when there are concerts. I do a lot of listening and a lot of reading about campus events. I try to stay one step ahead of them."

"A lot of teachers wouldn't do that."

"A lot of teachers aren't me," she replied. "I want my kids to do their best; I want to know they've learned everything I'm trying to teach them and they're not going to if I buy any excuse they hand me and just let them skate by. If there's a legitimate excuse, I extend the deadline; if not, get it done or get an F."

"I think that's fair," he answered; "And I think it shows that you care."

"I do care."

She was spared further conversation as the waiter approached with menus and offered to refill her cup of tea. It stayed quiet as they studied their menus and finally placed their orders. Johanna felt awkward as the silence hung over them…and truth be told, she still felt awkward about the whole idea and would rather be at home dealing with the excuses that her students would be sending instead of doing their work.

"So?" Castle finally said, breaking the silence as they waited for their food.

"So?" she repeated; "Are you ready to tell me what this is really about?"

"I told you that last week."

"You told me the story you want me to hear; I'm waiting for the one you don't want me to know."

Castle shook his head. "Don't know what you're talking about."

"Okay; we'll play this game awhile longer," Johanna replied. "Eventually you'll tell me…I just hope I haven't run out of patience by then."

"Is it so wrong to want a healed family?"

"No; but I didn't see where we're a wounded one."

"Kate and I feel it's a little disjointed."

"Then why isn't Katie here for these little meetings?"

"Because the problem seems to lie between you and I, Johanna."

"I have no problem," she remarked.

"Why are you afraid to admit that there are issues?"

"I'm not afraid to admit anything…I think you are; that's why you won't tell me the whole reason for this."

"Okay, we're going in circles already," Castle stated as he pulled his small notebook from his pocket.

Johanna eyed him. "You're not going to make another list, are you?"

"No; I'm consulting the one I already made."

"Oh goody."

He smiled. "Now, Johanna; don't be so negative."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm not negative at all; I'm just brimming with excitement to check off all those boxes on your build a better mother-in-law checklist."

"This project is not called 'build a better mother-in-law'."

"So you confess that I'm a project?"

He shook his head. "No."

"Then what am I?"

Castle sighed. "I'd say exasperating but Kate said I can't use that word to describe her mother anymore."

Johanna's brow rose. "Is that right?"

"Yes."

"Bragging about me, were you?"

"No; merely giving her a synopsis of our last lunch together…I'm sure you gave Jim one as well."

"I sure did," she replied.

Castle looked at her. "Suddenly, I find myself wondering if I have a target on my back."

"Not that I'm aware of but you might want to mind your manners just the same."

His eyes widened slightly. "What exactly did you tell him?"

"I told him you called me a liar, exasperating, and that you brought up my sister. He wasn't pleased."

"You couldn't let that out of the story?"

"Of course not," Johanna answered. "I try to be very honest with my husband."

The waiter arrived with their food and Castle shoved away the thoughts of his father-in-law possibly stewing over what had been said to his wife the week before.

"Worried, Rick?" his mother-in-law asked after a few minutes had passed.

"What would I be worried about?" he replied as he picked up his fork.

"You might be worried that you lost points with Jim."

He shook his head. "I'm sure we'll be fine."

Her tablet dinged with another notification and she checked it; typing back a quick response. "Another excuse?" he asked.

"No; Brittany wanted to make sure her assignment went through last night because she was having issues with her internet; it did go through, I saw it this morning."

"So," Castle said, figuring he may as well dive in before silence fully descended upon the table; "One of the items on the list I made at our last lunch is the matter of therapy."

"What about it?" Johanna asked as she picked up a fry from her plate.

"Did you ever actually go to the therapy appointments?" he asked cautiously.

She swallowed her food as she nodded. "Yes, I went to one."

"Only one?"

She nodded, her fingers grasping another fry.

"Why did you only go to one appointment?"

"I went to that one because it's the one Katie made for me."

Castle gave a nod. "I figured that; I mean why didn't you go back for the next one?"

"I didn't like it," she answered.

He stuck his fork into the mini potatoes on his plate. "I don't think anyone likes it at first…it's something you have to get used to."

"I don't need Katie's therapist," Johanna remarked. "I don't need to give some stranger two hundred dollars an hour to listen to my problems. If they weren't getting paid, they wouldn't be listening and they wouldn't care. I have people who listen for free; their names are Jim, Valerie and Maggie. They're all available without an appointment and they don't sit there making notes and saying 'how does that make you feel' in a monotone voice that's meant to offer comfort and security. It doesn't do that for me. All it is to me is telling my business to a stranger who then wants to analyze me like he knows me and how my brain works. He knows nothing and I want to keep it that way."

"It's supposed to be easier talking to a stranger," Castle remarked.

"Yeah; that's what Dr. Burke said," she replied. "He just wants my money; all doctors do."

He couldn't deny that doctors wanted to keep collecting payments so he allowed the remark to pass without comment. "Does Jim know that you don't go to therapy?"

"Of course; he's known all along. I don't keep things from him; he knows everywhere I go."

"How did he feel about you not going back for a second appointment?"

"He wasn't too surprised; although I admit he didn't know I didn't go until I told him at dinner that night. I left the house with the intention of going but when I got to the building, I just drove on past…I just couldn't do it again. It's not me."

"But what did he say about it?"

"He said that he understood and that I didn't have to go if I didn't want to…especially when Katie forced me into it."

"She didn't force you," Castle retorted.

"She made the appointment," Johanna countered. "If I remember correctly; her excuse for that was that she didn't like my behavior at the time and it was time for me to do something about it."

"Well you did seem to be all over the spectrum at the time; you renewed your license to practice law, you were telling people off left and right…"

"Only people who deserved it," Johanna interrupted.

"That might be a matter of opinion," he remarked before carrying on; "You went on some girls night tear and took over my bar…"

"Your mother gave me permission," she replied; "You ought to thank me for it; you made more money that night than you normally would have with the way things were going. The atmosphere was positively depressing before Maggie and I perked it up. Whoever heard of a quiet bar?"

"It's supposed to be a relaxing atmosphere where people can unwind, have a nice evening…write a book."

Johanna scoffed. "No, honey; it's just depressing. Trust me, I've been in more bars than you can imagine. I was already depressed before I got there and once I was there it made me contemplate walking out in front of a cab because there was absolutely nothing lively happening there. I wanted a party…and if you can't find a party, you make one…and Maggie and I, along with Martha and her permission, had one hell of a party. We had that place packed once we turned on the good music and woke people up. The only thing that dampened it was when you and Katie showed up and she started acting like she was my mother."

"Someone had to…we called Jim and he said to let you be."

"Because he knows what's best for me…and Katie clearly didn't."

"No, Kate didn't want you out making a spectacle of yourself because the media was still following everyone's exploits at the time and she didn't want you going home drunk…you were acting like a rebelling teenager; which is why she had to act like a parent…since you weren't."

Johanna eyed him. "You saw where it got her."

He smirked. "Yes; I believe you term it as putting her in her place."

"She needed it."

"That's another matter of opinion."

"And you'll notice that I haven't asked for yours," Johanna replied.

"Okay, fair enough," Castle stated; "But you have to admit that you weren't in a good place."

She smiled. "Actually I was feeling pretty damn good by the time you walked in."

"I suppose we'll call that yet another matter of opinion."

"Suppose what you want," his mother-in-law replied. "I know how I felt inside. I felt like I was being liberated."

"Seemed to me that you were being hurtful," Castle countered.

"Yeah; well, I was at a breaking point, Rick. No one minded hurting my feelings so I figured what goes around comes around."

"Is that the approach you take to being a mother-in-law too?"

Johanna's gaze flicked to his. "Rick; if I've somehow hurt your feelings at some point, I apologize. As for what kind of mother-in-law I am; don't you think it's a little early to put me in an assigned box? I haven't been one for all that long; we haven't even hit the six month mark…and the first six weeks of your marriage, Jim and I were in London while he worked on that research project for the law firm. We left the day after your wedding and you were back from your honeymoon three weeks before we got back."

"I'm aware of that."

"Then quit acting like I'm the mother-in-law from hell," she said sharply. "I haven't done a damn thing to you. I'm not hanging around your house all the time; I'm not interfering with yours and Katie's personal business. I'm not hounding you for grandchildren…yet, but I would appreciate it if you two would get the show on the road while I'm still young enough to enjoy it. I don't even as so much as ask you for a free book; so I really don't know what your problem is with me and why I'm deemed to be lacking as a mother-in-law. Some men would get down on their knees and thank God that they had a non intrusive mother-in-law like me. You're never satisfied no matter what I do and I think it's because you somehow keep trying to measure me up to your mother and of course I come up lacking."

"Well you have to admit that Mother is fully involved with us," Castle said tartly.

"Yeah, I guess so, she lives with you! I don't; I have my own home and my own husband to take care of. I don't need to be up Katie's ass anymore than my mother was up mine. If she has a problem that she wants to discuss with me, I'm more than willing to listen and help her, but I don't need to be constantly in her personal business. She's a grown, married woman and I respect that."

"And you don't think my mother respects my privacy?" he shot back.

"I'm not saying she doesn't respect it, I'm saying it's hard for her not to be involved with everything when she lives there."

"So you think I should chuck her out onto the street because I'm married now?" Castle asked; "Because that's not going to happen."

Johanna sighed. "No; I wasn't suggesting that you throw your mother into the street. I'm just saying that my involvement isn't going to be like Martha's because I don't see you every day…and I don't see you because I live in my own house, and no, don't look at me like that, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with Martha living with you, there's not; she probably should be with you."

"Why's that?"

"So she's not alone," she replied.

"Is that some thinly veiled crack about her not being able to hold on to a husband?" Castle asked; "Because if it is, you should remember that you only still have yours because he's an extremely forgiving man."

"No, it wasn't a crack about her ability to hold a man," Johanna said tartly; as she smacked her hands against the table. "And I'm not going to sit here and let you throw the past in my face so you can once again try to prove to me that you and your mother are better than me. I still have my husband because he loves me and I love him and he knows I didn't leave him by choice. I still have my husband because we took our wedding vows seriously…unlike some people who have been married three times. Unlike you and your saintly mother, I've only been married once, so guess what, there is one segment of life I'm better than you in…even with a thirteen year separation, I've got you both beat in that department so you can go suck an egg Mr. Bestselling Author who thinks he knows it all and doesn't know a goddamn thing worth listening to."

Castle leaned back in his chair and regarded her, her green eyes snapping with fire, her jaw tight with tension. When she had that look on her face, he was sure she could rip someone apart with her bare hands and not even break a sweat. "Well, that escalated quickly," he finally managed to say.

"Yeah; that happens when you're being an ass," she retorted. "I didn't ask to be here, Rick; this was your idea and I'm only doing it because Katie asked me to. Why don't you just accept the fact that you're never going to like me; that I'm never going to live up to your mother-in-law ideal? You know, I took my mother-in-law for who she was; I didn't try to change her, I just learned to deal with her. I take that same approach with son-in-laws; I accept that you don't care for me and I learned to deal with it. Let's move on with our lives."

He took a breath and silently counted to ten. "Why are you so convinced that I dislike you?"

Johanna laughed as she tossed her hands up. "Gee, Rick; I have no idea…I mean it can't be the way you treat me or anything; and it surely can't be the way you rip apart the slightest comment I make to create an issue out of it. I guess I'm just being a delusional female again. Hurry, call me a new shrink, maybe he's got a pill for it."

"We're not that lucky," he commented. "I wish someone had one for me at the moment though."

"Again, this was your idea, not mine."

"I'm aware of that, Johanna."

"Then don't act like this is my fault."

Castle breathed deeply once more. "Okay; let's just dial this back. I'm sorry I took your statement the wrong way. I guess knowing that you don't care for my mother makes me assume that you're taking cheap shots at her."

"I like Martha just fine," she replied; "We just have clashing personalities."

"It wasn't like that when you first met."

"Sometimes the clashing doesn't happen right away; it takes time."

"The clashing is your fault though."

Johanna smiled. "Rick," she said sweetly; "What in your universe isn't my fault, dear?"

He squeezed his eyes shut. "You could make a saint swear; you know that?"

"No, I don't know it for sure but if one wanted to test me, I'd give a very good effort," she replied flippantly.

"Alright," he said, raising a hand in surrender. "Let's get back to the topic; you and Mother don't get along because you harbor that insane notion that she someone usurped your role as Kate's mother."

"It wasn't an insane notion," she said sharply. "It's how I feel. Let's be honest; Kate was spending way more time with your mother than she was me…and Martha had to realize that and she just kept encouraging it."

"So my mother wasn't supposed to spend any time with Kate in order to assuage your feelings?"

"No; I'm not saying she couldn't spend time with her; I'm saying that she knew Kate was with her more than me and that maybe instead of encouraging that behavior to continue, she could've persuaded my daughter to think about sharing her time. You know, you threw Katie a birthday party my first year home; you invited your mother but not the mother of the birthday girl…you didn't invite her father either but I figure that's because you knew you couldn't invite him and not me. So Martha saw my kid on her birthday more than I did. Martha took her to the theater; Martha took her to dinners, she stayed with Martha while you were out of town; she had Thanksgiving with you and Martha, she lied about having to work Christmas Eve and Christmas Day and really she was with you and Martha. I asked her to go black Friday shopping with me, she said no; I run into her and Martha in Bloomingdales. Every time I turned around it seemed like she was up Martha's ass, like she was her mother and not me. I know it sounds petty to you; but it was hurtful to me. I had already suffered through a very long separation from my daughter…and there she is, acting like someone else's daughter and I don't see where Martha did a damn thing to remind her that she did indeed still have her own mother…and let's please keep in mind that those are just highlights of the first year. I'm sorry that I'm not blasé about feeling like someone was taking my place in her life. You don't understand a bond between mother and daughter, Rick…it's not like the bond you have with Alexis; it's very different. Katie made the thing between Martha and I worse with the things she told her that led to your mother showing up at my door to call me ridiculous and then offered me her unsolicited advice about how to mother my kid…and no, I didn't appreciate it and I didn't like it; because I don't tell her how to mother you…although maybe someone should."

"No one can take your place in Kate's life, Johanna."

"Doesn't feel that way to me," she replied. "I've seen how replaceable I am…and I had to make my peace with that…but I don't have to go to your home every day and have it shoved in my face."

Castle's brow rose. "So that's also a reason why you don't visit much?"

Johanna shrugged. "Maybe…but honestly, I don't visit much because I don't want to invade your privacy."

"Seems like you have a lot of reasons for staying away."

She sighed. "Weren't we talking about how I quit therapy?"

"You're trying to change the subject?" Castle asked; "You want to go back to the therapy discussion? That must mean you want to avoid that visiting issue a whole lot."

"I'm not trying to avoid it; I just don't have anything further to say on the topic."

"You have more to say about therapy?"

She rubbed her fingers across her forehead. "Actually, I don't; I think I'm ready to go home."

"You haven't finished your lunch."

"I'm not all that hungry."

"We can put the discussion about your visiting habits on hold," he told her. "We can also put the discussion of my mother on hold."

"How about we discuss not doing this anymore," Johanna remarked. "I don't think it's a good idea; it's just creating animosity."

"I thought we already had animosity," Castle remarked; "That's why we need to do this; so we can get it out and clear it up and be a better family."

"Rick; we're not going to be the Waltons. I'm sorry, but that's just not in the gene pool of my family."

"Why is that?"

Johanna regarded him oddly. "Because we're Irish and Italian; we have tempers, it's just our nature to fight when people annoy us or make us mad. We don't just shove anger away; we embrace it."

"And you think that's healthy?" he asked.

"It's healthier than suppressing it," she replied. "Everyone gets mad, everyone fights. Jim and I fight once in awhile; we're still happily married so clearly it doesn't do any harm."

"I'd rather not be involved in fights all the time."

"Did I say it was all the time? All I said was that my family tends to embrace it…and doing so means we express it. It makes us feel better; we don't like to pretend we're something we're not."

"So you're good with dysfunction?" Castle asked.

Johanna nodded. "It's pretty much all I know…you can't be sitting there thinking you're not dysfunctional, are you?"

"I'm not."

"Oh, honey, you are," she replied.

"No; I'm not."

Johanna laughed. "Trust me, you are; there isn't a family out there, besides the Waltons, that isn't touched by dysfunction. It's okay to admit it."

"I don't know; I think my family has it more together than yours, Johanna."

"Really?" she asked; "Let's see, you grew up with an actress and you don't know who your father is…and whoever he is, he's a deadbeat for abandoning you and your mother. Your mother had to travel for work, you had to go along a lot of times. She was married three times and since you don't speak of those step-parents, I assume you didn't have good relationships with them. You never mention grandparents so I assume they weren't very involved with your life. You admit that you were thrown out of numerous schools. You have a record; nothing too terrible but it's a record none the less. You built up a playboy image; your life often ends up in tabloids. You've been married three times; one child that you had to raise alone…and who you don't want any other adult to influence even in a good way."

Castle's jaw was tight. "And your point?"

"I'm getting there," she replied. "Now we'll look at Katie's life. Katie was raised by two lawyers; Jim did travel for work at times but I was at home with Katie. My daughter had loving relationships with both sets of her grandparents and two great grandmothers. She also had good relationships with her aunts, uncles and cousins. She attended one elementary school; one middle school and one high school; two universities and she wasn't tossed out of any of them. She has no criminal record, no prior marriages, no children from previous relationships. Her only claim to fame is being Nikki Heat. Sounds a little more stable than your upbringing, doesn't it?"

"For the early years, I suppose so," he answered; "But let's keep in mind that the only dying my mother has done has been on stage in full view of an audience and she gets up when the curtain comes down. You, on the other hand, went along with a plot to fake your death because you got into something that was way over your head…and in the process left behind a husband who turned to alcohol and a daughter who walled herself off from the world in terms of emotions…and then you turn up out of the blue thirteen years later and upend everyone's world again…and you still manage to cause drama when it suits you…a few Broadway actresses could probably take lessons."

Johanna gave him a sardonic smile. "You just love having that sword to wield; don't you? You think it gives you power over me; that it's another way of asserting how you're better than me, how you would've never made that choice. You can dish it out, but you can't take it in return. So you pull out that sword and come charging down the field with it like it's a matter of honor; that you have to remind me of my place, of my faults and my sins. Well, Rick; I'm aware of my sins and my faults. I'm aware of my past; I've made all my apologies, I've gone through the depression, the mourning, the grief, the anger, the hate. I've gone through every emotion you can think of and I've made my peace with what I had to do back in 1999. It was the right choice; the only one…the one that allowed me to be sitting at my daughter's wedding a few months ago. The one that allows my husband and I to go about checking off things on our dream list. You might not agree with the choice, and you don't have to; you can't know what it was like when you weren't in my shoes…but it doesn't give you a right to look down your nose at me. I've made my peace with that part of my past and I've moved on; you can stab me with that sword as many times as you want, but I'm numb to it; because I've already been stuck with it by people who mean more to me than you do. We've all moved on…even my husband doesn't pull that one from the closet anymore; it's merely your weapon of choice; but I'm going to go ahead and inform you, Rick; it has no power over me; so take that sword that you like to wield and climb back up on your high horse and take it elsewhere."

Castle met her cool gaze. "You don't hold back; do you?"

"Why should I? You don't."

"Fair enough," he replied. "But I still want our family to be better."

"And what if it never lives up to your ideal, Rick? Then what?"

"Then I guess we'll all have to keep trying…can't you meet me half way?"

"I'm sitting here, aren't I?"

"Because Kate asked you to."

"At least I'm upfront about it," she replied. "I do feel like you have some hidden motive that I'll eventually get out of you but for now I'm willing to play along with your let's become the Brady Bunch excuse."

"I thought it was the Waltons?"

"No; I specifically said that we would never be the Waltons; pay attention."

"My mistake…are you always so defensive when you're invited to lunch?" Castle asked.

"Only if I feel like the person is up to something…and if it's someone who I know isn't all that fond of me."

He sighed. "How do I convince you that I like you?"

Johanna shook her head. "I don't think you can, Rick; and it's okay. Don't stress yourself out about it. We can co-exist peacefully; I have a lot of practice at that. I'll quit stepping on your toes if you quit trying to stomp mine into the ground, okay? Will that help you make your peace with this whole thing? Because I'm fine either way; that's something else I've learned without Katie's therapist; I can be fine as long as I allow myself to be fine. So what do you say; we call a truce and we can say we both made our peace and go on about our business?"

"No, Johanna; I don't want to do that," he replied. "I don't want to just agree to stay out of each other's way because to me that's pretty much what you're offering. I want to do the work; this is my last marriage…and you're my last mother-in-law and we're going to make it work…one way or another."

"Fine, don't say I didn't offer."

"I'll make a note of it."

"Wouldn't surprise me a bit if it didn't get added to your list," she remarked as another notification caught her attention. She read the email from a colleague stating that her student was involved in class ordered charity work and so she took a moment to extend Stephanie's deadline for her assignment and sent her a quick reply telling her that she had done so and while she had her page open; she checked to see if anyone else had completed the assignment. She was glad to see that six more students had submitted their finished work. She felt Castle's gaze upon her and she glanced at him. "I'm sorry, Rick; Stephanie had one of my colleagues email me to tell me that she was involved with a charity project for his class; I wanted to go ahead and extend her deadline before I forgot and let her know."

"That's fine; I understand that you're a busy woman," he remarked.

"Not overly busy; just busy this week with normal class assignments and this online assignment on top of it. I guess I should've waited until I got home to send out my note; I'm sorry."

"No need to be sorry; it's nice to see this side of you."

She didn't want the notifications from her students to keep interrupting, she didn't want to seem rude so she turned off her device and tucked it into her bag. "I'll take care of the rest later," she said as he gave her a questioning look.

"You keep saying that you've made your peace with various things," Castle remarked, hoping to get back to their original topic. "How have you been able to do that when you haven't put in the work in therapy?"

"You don't have to go to therapy to find peace," Johanna replied. "Sometimes it just takes hitting your breaking point and knowing that you have to fight to climb back up to where you need to be. I hit that point during the first holiday season I was home. Katie set off that time bomb that had been slowly counting down. We had that big fight and it turned into issues between Jim and I. There was the media and the trial…there was so much going on and so much falling apart. I had to get angry…I had to prove myself…I had to let go."

"But it was during that time that Kate made that first appointment for you."

"I know…but it just wasn't for me. I took more comfort from other avenues."

"Like what?" he asked.

Johanna hesitated for a moment, picking up her drink and taking a sip to buy herself a few moments more. Her avenues were somewhat private in her way of thinking and she hated to feel like she had to share things that she only shared with her husband and her best friend.

"What did you do?" Castle inquired again; his mind off and running with the possibilities.

"Not anything you're sitting there imagining," she replied. "I talked to a priest a few times."

"A priest? You don't want a therapist because he's a stranger…but you talked to a priest…who I assume was also a stranger. That makes no sense, Johanna."

"It does to me," Johanna stated. "I was raised a Catholic, and one of the things my mother taught me was that as long as I had faith, God would provide. When my father died, she took great comfort in talking to a priest when grief overwhelmed her at times. I wandered into a church during that breaking point and a priest approached me. Talking to him was very comforting. He was an old man, kind and patient, non-judgmental…he reminded me of my father-in-law," she said with a small smile. "I didn't pay him to listen…he didn't take notes or analyze. He just listened…he didn't prod for more than I wanted to share; he just listened to what I offered. He listened and he comforted me by absolving me from the sins of others that I felt I had to carry…and he absolved me of the guilt for surviving. He reminded me that I was spared because it was God's will and a part of his plan…that maybe he needed me to help rid the world of that one source of evil. He prayed for me and with me and he told me that I could come back and talk to him anytime I needed to. He assured me that our conversations were protected in the same way conversations in the confessional are protected. I did go back once in awhile when I felt like I needed to. But it wasn't only a priest who helped me through."

"No?" Castle said.

"No; there's Jim," she answered. "He never gives up on me…even when I'm at my worst. When I need a fight, he gives me one. When I need to cry, he holds me. When I need to laugh, he tells me stories. When I needed a friend, he found a way to bring Maggie back into my life. He helped me reconnect with my aunt, cousins, nieces and nephews. When I just need him, he stays home and we watch reruns and eat junk food. When I need an escape, we run away. When I need to talk, he listens. He gives me everything I need…even when I don't know what it is I need."

"But does that really take the place of a trained professional?" her son-in-law asked. "No offense to Jim or your friendly priest…but did they really help you work through anything or is it just in a box somewhere?"

Johanna sighed. "Rick; when my mother died, I felt like a part of me went with her. I grieved and I did my best to go on…but it was hard for me. I felt like an orphan at the tender age of forty-three; which seemed much too young to be without both of my parents. My mother died in October…and my grieving was still in process when summer rolled around. I told Jim that I needed to get away from the city; away from my routine of going to her grave twice a week…away from that piano bench I'd sit on and sob. I needed an escape. He didn't hesitate; we were friends with a couple who owned a beach house in Virginia Beach; they said we could have the place for the month of July because they were going out of the country. I juggled my schedule and got things sorted so I could have the whole month off…Jim was only able to get two weeks. He told me he'd go with me and Katie for the first two weeks and then he'd leave the office early on Fridays and fly down for the remaining two weekends so I could keep the car. I agreed to that and we went. I hadn't been to Virginia Beach too often but it was kind of like coming full circle."

"How's that?" Castle asked; wondering what her point was eventually going to be.

"Because my mother told me that I was conceived during a vacation to Virginia Beach," she answered. "So, I was back in the place where she created me…and it was there, sitting on the beach at sunset, that I finally let her go…or at least let her go as much as I could."

"How?"

She smiled a little. "How was I able to do that? Well…I told myself that I had to shake off the depression; not just for myself but for Jim and Katie. I let myself remember her; the good moments instead of the last ones when I had to say goodbye. I let myself feel her presence and her love. I allowed my husband to console me…and I allowed my daughter to give me joy. I watched them tossing a ball back and forth that evening and somehow it turned into them chasing each other, which was nice to see because Katie was fourteen then and in a hurry to grow up but she was acting absolutely childish and her father was loving it. They were laughing and it was all so perfect and I realized that even though my mother was gone, I wasn't as alone as I had been feeling. I still had a family…I wasn't a daughter in the way I was used to anymore…but I was still a mother and I had to give my daughter everything that my mother had given me and the best way to keep Naomi McKenzie alive was to pass on everything she taught me. I didn't need therapy to come to that conclusion; I just needed time and Jim and Katie and their love. Therapy isn't always sitting in a shrink's office, Rick. Therapy to me is when Jim and I get in the car and we just go wherever the hell we want. It's yoga classes and lunches with Maggie; it's discussing Temptation Lane with Katie and sometimes getting to watch it with her. It's a new book to read or baking a cake or cleaning my house. Sometimes therapy is holding my great niece and telling her stories about her daddy; holding my great nephew and telling him stories about his mommy; sometimes it's listening to Taylor Swift songs with our niece Gabby when she needs a ride home from school. Therapy is shopping with Valerie; it's sitting with Jim and watching those reruns…its running on the treadmill. Sometimes it's online shopping and sometimes it's dancing in the kitchen. Therapy is everywhere, you just have to look for it and embrace it. I don't need Katie's kind of therapy; and no I don't think there's anything wrong with her kind or her therapist…it works for her and I'm glad; but it doesn't work for me because I'm not Katie. I'm Johanna. We're different; we might resemble each other but we're completely different beings. She has her methods of therapy and I have mine…and a lot of mine are free."

"Those things are all it took for you to be better in your opinion?"

"Yes," Johanna answered; "Because they're all methods that I've used before when I've been down. I had a little bit of a hard year back in 1975; my sister got married and we had a lot of discord between us; my mother and I were at odds, my grandfather died, my father took his grief out on me and my uncle harassed me for weeks because my grandfather left me things that he didn't think I had a right to. I wasn't a happy person that summer…and I told Jim that I wished I could run. We weren't dating yet but he was my confidant; and once those words were spoken, he took it upon himself to give me what I needed. He arranged for us to take our vacation time and he took me on a road trip; and somewhere between here and a beach in North Carolina; I let it all go and he healed me. I think that's why he took me to Virginia Beach the summer after I lost my mother…and why he took me to Hawaii in the aftermath of that breaking point. Jim knows that for some reason, I can lay my troubles in the sand and allow the ocean to sweep them away. He knows that all I ever need is a fresh view and to have him all to myself for awhile and I can be as good as new. When a beach getaway wasn't available back in those days, I'd go for a run; I'd go out with the girls. I'd cuddle my nephew, I'd cry to my mother. I'd show up at Jim's door and stay for hours. I always found a way to make it back out of that cloud of darkness. I admit I got out of practice in Wyoming…there I just let it consume me and it was a hard habit to break; but I did break it and all it took was looking back and remembering what my brand of therapy has always been…and most of all it's Jim and his way of knowing exactly what I need; and when he doesn't and I'm able to tell him, he never hesitates; he just takes me away…he just finds a beach and takes me there and lets me lay it all in the sand."

Castle nodded slowly. "I think I get it now."

"You do?" she asked; her brow rising. "Or are you just humoring me?"

"No; I get it…because therapy can be found in other things. Kate likes to go to the shooting range…I like to play video games when I feel like I need a break from the real world. Even writing, despite it being my job, is sometimes an outlet for what I'm feeling."

Johanna nodded. "Exactly; and if you'll recall, you once suggested that I should write to feel better."

"I do remember that," he replied; "And eventually you did try it…you sent me a few things…and then you stopped doing it."

"Oh I didn't stop writing," she remarked; "I just stopped sharing it."

"Why? I didn't criticize anything; I enjoyed the stories you told about your family."

"Because things changed," Johanna said quietly. "You didn't criticize anything I wrote…it was everything else; like feeling like you were constantly judging me no matter what I said or did outside of those pages…so I didn't want to share anything else; I regretted sharing the little that I did even though it had helped a little."

The comment struck him and he felt remorse fill him; he had given her the suggestion of writing as a form of therapy, had offered to read anything she wanted to share…and then their friendship had disintegrated and his apparent actions and attitudes had cut off the avenue she had been trying to use as a part of her own self therapy. "I'm sorry I made you feel that way, Johanna," he said sincerely. "I offered you a method to help you get through things back then and then I guess I kind of took it away from you without meaning to. I'm glad you didn't stop writing but I am sorry that you felt like you couldn't share it anymore and that you regretted sharing the few things you did…and I know one of the things you did share was about the love you have for your sister, which makes me even sorrier for the remark I made in regard to her last week."

Johanna shrugged. "It's no big deal; it wasn't anything I didn't already know."

"It was a low blow," he admitted.

"I'm kind of numb to low blows if you want the truth," she replied. "I've been hit with so many of them through the last couple of years that they sting for a second and then it's gone. I don't let it keep me up at night anymore."

He gave a slow nod. "I think I see now where Kate gets her, I don't get hurt, I'm a tough girl card from…I mistakenly thought that it was something she gained during your absence but I think it must be something that's inherited…because I have a feeling that you've had that card for a very long time."

Her chin jutted up an inch. "My family invented that card…we're a long line of tough girls…we're daughters, sisters, wives, mothers grandmothers; we're businesswomen, suffragettes, teachers, musicians, lawyers, decorators, detectives…we're tough girls; and no man has ever been able to completely tame us, and none ever will. We don't change by anyone's hand but our own."

"Can I write that down and use it in a book?" Castle asked; "Because I really liked it."

"No."

"What if I give you a writer's credit?"

Johanna regarded him with a raised brow. "How does that work?"

"I put it in the acknowledgments."

"That's clear at the end of the book!"

He shrugged. "So?"

"If you use my words; I want it printed in the front of the book that they're mine…and I want a Macy's gift card."

His eyes widened. "How did a Macy's gift card get on the table?"

"I believe it's standard in the entertainment industry to compensate the person who's intellectual property you want to use," Johanna remarked.

"Since when is a flippant comment at lunch considered intellectual property?"

"Since the moment you wanted to print it," his mother-in-law replied. "If you want to use my words about my family; it will be acknowledged in the front of the book and I will be compensated at Macy's."

"Just Macy's? You don't want to throw in a trip to Bloomingdales as well?" he said sarcastically.

Johanna shrugged. "Okay; gift cards to Macy's and Bloomingdales and it's still acknowledged in the beginning of the book."

"I was joking about Bloomingdales."

"That's too bad because I never joke when I'm making deals of this caliber," she replied. "I would like a piece of paper from your notebook."

"Why?"

"Because the lawyer in me insists on a contract," Johanna remarked.

"Are you sure you're not joking?"

"I'm positive," she replied while reaching for her purse. "Since you clearly don't want to give me paper, I'll have to see if I have any in my bag."

"We're family; I don't think we need a contract."

"Oh but we do," Johanna replied as she found a small notebook at the bottom of her purse that she usually wrote her shopping lists in. She flipped open the cover and turned to a blank page before reaching back into her bag for a pen. She was quiet as she wrote out a small statement about the quote to be used and terms of use and the proper compensation. "How much will those gift cards be for?" she asked.

"You're asking me?" Castle questioned.

"No; I'm asking the tree; of course I'm asking you," she retorted. "Now how much are my words worth to you?"

"How about a hundred for each."

"A hundred per word; sounds good to me," Johanna replied.

"Per word!" he exclaimed. "That's not what I meant! Do you know how much that would be if it was a hundred per word?"

"Give me a minute and I'll write it out and see," she answered; pulling another piece of paper from her notebook.

Castle watched in astonishment as she wrote out the statement from memory and then counted the words and calculated the amount on her phone's calculator. "That would be five thousand dollars, Rick," she told him. "Not bad for two minutes of work."

"I'm standing by my statement that I didn't mean a hundred per word…I meant a hundred per gift card."

"That would be two hundred dollars…which comes out to four dollars a word….I'm thinking five dollars a word is a better number. That would total two hundred and fifty dollars; which would be one hundred and twenty-five per gift card."

"Is that your final offer?" Castle asked.

"Unless you want me to aim for a higher amount."

"No," he said with a shake of his head. "Five dollars per word is perfect."

"And it will be acknowledged at the beginning of the book?" Johanna asked.

"I'll not only acknowledge it at the beginning of the book; I'll dedicate the whole book to you."

"I'm fine with just the acknowledgment at the beginning of the book; along with my gift cards…which I expect to collect within thirty days," she answered. "Please sign here."

"I can not believe this," Castle said as he signed his name on the line she had drawn.

"Believe it," Johanna stated as she signed her own name and then pulled yet another piece of paper from her notebook.

"What are you doing now?"

"Making you a copy," she remarked. She copied the original document, dating and signing her name and having him sign it as well. "There you go; there's your copy of the contract and the page I wrote the statement down on to count the words. Read the contract carefully; I put a provision in there stating that you can't change my original statement in any way."

"You tell me that after you have me sign?"

Johanna smiled. "Life lesson for you, Rick; never sign anything without reading it first."

"I never want to go up against you in court, Johanna," he replied.

"Then you better follow that contract."

"You have my word; and your gift cards will be delivered at our lunch next Tuesday."

She frowned. "You're really going to make me do this every week?"

Castle smiled. "Pretty much; but I feel like we made some progress today; and hey, you're getting compensated this time."

She smirked. "It's almost like therapy…wait…does Katie know I quit therapy and now she's sending you to be my therapist?"

"No; I assure you that she still very much believes that you go to therapy once a week."

"You're sure?"

"I'm positive."

Johanna nodded and made sure all of her belongings were put back in her purse before she picked up her cup and took the last sip of tea. "Thanks for lunch."

"You're welcome; but like last time; you'll wait for me to pay the check and I'll walk you to your car," he replied.

"Fine," she sighed.

After he paid the bill; he walked with her in the direction of her car. "I think it went better this time," he stated. "Don't you?"

"I think the jury is still out on that, Rick," she answered as she found her keys in her purse.

"Come on, it's not so bad to talk to me, is it?"

Johanna met his eye. "It always starts off fine…but then we usually tread into some area best left alone and then we don't get along."

"We're working on it though."

"Yeah…until I find out what the hell you and Katie are up to."

"It's all perfectly innocent; I swear."

"Uh huh," she said as she unlocked her door. "See you around."

"Still no hug?" he asked lightly.

"No; I'm not feeling like I'm at the hugging stage," Johanna replied while sitting her bag in the car.

"Maybe next time?"

"We'll see."

"That's what you said last time."

Johanna smiled. "We're still seeing."

Castle laughed and shook his head. "Drive safely, Johanna."

"You too; give my love to my daughter."

"I promise. Same time next week; I'll send you a reminder."

"Try to time it better," she quipped as she got into her car. "I don't appreciate my moments getting interrupted."

Castle smirked at her. "What would be a good time?"

"Well, Jim usually gets home between 4:30 and 5; so I'd suggest sometime before then."

"So anytime after five you might be involved in a moment?" he couldn't help but respond.

Johanna smiled and shrugged a shoulder. "What can I say; we've still got it."

"I don't know whether to cringe slightly or congratulate you," Castle replied.

"A little of both will suffice I suppose. See you later."

Castle smiled and told her goodbye before shutting her door for her. He watched her drive away, thinking to himself that just maybe she was warming up to him…slightly…but it was a start.