Author's Note: Thanks for your reviews as always!
Chapter 13
"I'm having lunch with your mother tomorrow," Castle stated quietly as he stared at the bedroom ceiling that night. He couldn't help but find the silence of his wife oppressive… and her position of keeping her back to him somewhat unnerving. He supposed that he should be lucky that she didn't lock him out of the room for a second night…and he was almost tempted to ask why she didn't but he didn't want risk reminding her that it had been an option.
"Does she know that?" Kate asked flatly.
"Of course. I sent her a text and asked her…she's demanded that I go to the house though. She won't meet me in public tomorrow."
"Home field advantage," she mumbled as she snuggled against her pillow. "She's lost too many rounds in your chosen arena…she wants to be in her own territory where she'll feel secure."
"You make it sound like I threaten her."
"That's because you took security in the physical way of meaning. She doesn't fear you...she wants emotional security and she has that in her own home…along with a nice sized backyard if she whams you with an iron and needs somewhere to put you."
Castle cringed. "That's not a pleasant thought to go to sleep with."
"You haven't given many pleasant thoughts yourself lately."
"Point taken," he replied; a beat of silence following before he spoke once more. "Did you know that your dad had me investigated when I started shadowing you?"
"Who told you that?" she asked.
"Your father…he demanded to meet me for lunch today."
"Did he read you the riot act?"
"Several versions of it…you don't seem surprised that he requested this meeting. Did you know in advance…is that why you went and had lunch with your mother?"
"No, I didn't know in advance but I figured it wouldn't take too many reports about things you said and did to tick him off enough to come after you. As for my mother, I had lunch with her for several reasons; one, I wanted to; two, I wanted to apologize to her for the actions of my husband; and three, I wanted to offer to go to Colleen and clear up any doubts about Mom's involvement in what you did. She declined…and I respected her wishes…unlike some people."
He sighed. "I told you I was sorry, Kate; what more do you want?"
"I want you to listen to me when I tell you not to do something stupid," she said sharply. "I can just picture one day in the future, I'll come home to find out that our kid has a pet monkey because you'll think it's a great idea and won't listen to a word I say about how I'm not living with some filthy stinking monkey and I'll be the bad guy…all because you can't listen…or rather, you can listen, you just don't when it suits you."
"How did a monkey get in this conversation?" Castle asked.
"Because it's the kind of stupid thing I can see you doing…just like when you went to my aunt. I'm telling you right now, Castle; if I ever come home and find a monkey, we're divorced the next day."
"Okay; no pet monkeys and no talking to your aunt, I've got it," he sighed. "I've also got all of your father's lectures in mind so you don't need to give me anymore…he covered all the bases and threatened me with bodily harm. Your mother never has to doubt his devotion to her."
"She never has and she never will. Even with a thirteen year separation, they've never wavered in their love and devotion. You only cross so many lines with her before he steps in."
"Yeah…he made that clear…but back to my original question; did you know that he had me investigated?"
"Yes," Kate murmured. "He told me after the fact…he didn't find anything I didn't already know from my own investigation."
"Your own investigation?"
"Castle; did you really think I'd let someone I didn't know follow me around without checking more than just their rap sheet? It really shouldn't be a surprise to you."
"It was a surprise that your father did it."
"He's not overly trusting…for obvious reasons."
"Were you mad? Because that seems like something you'd be mad about…having him poking into your life like that."
"He wasn't poking into my life, he was poking into yours; and no I wasn't mad. I was still highly annoyed with you then and had hope that he had found something I could use to get rid of you."
Castle smiled, his hand reaching out and patting her hip. "Well, you see how that worked out for you."
"Don't rub it in, Castle…I'm still mad at you."
"Which brings me back to the topic…you weren't mad at him?"
"No, it didn't make me mad. He's my father; he was looking out for me. He knew I wasn't exactly thrilled with the arrangement and I think it worried him for a little while."
"And yet when I asked you to look into Alexis's date, you wouldn't do it and acted like it was wrong of me to want it done."
"That's because Alexis was a teenage girl going to prom with a little overachieving nerd who was probably terrified of the thought of meeting you for long enough to pick her up. You had nothing to worry about; she was going to be in a place with supervision of teachers and parents, not to mention at least a hundred other kids. In my father's case, we had already lost Mom to something we didn't understand…we didn't know who was behind it or connected to it…he wasn't taking a chance of losing me. I'm all he had…I'm a part of her, his link to her…if he had lost me, it would've been like losing her all over again along with me. So no, I couldn't be angry with him for being a concerned father and having my back. He's my Dad…he didn't investigate my prom date…just some writer who suddenly wanted to tag along with me at work. Are you offended that he did it?"
"A little…I mean there was nothing about me that indicated that I was a threat to you. People know who I am…"
"Yeah; people knew who William Bracken was too…thought he was a good man, family values, for the people…and he tried to kill my mother, he tried to kill me…just because you're known doesn't mean you can't be something other than you portray…you learned that lesson with Damien Westlake. You knew him, though he was above reproach…but he wasn't, he had his own father murdered. Dad didn't know you…I didn't know you outside of your books…how could he be sure that you were what we thought you were? Saying that people know you…that's an elitist attitude…and probably a reason why you clash with my mother, because she doesn't like when people act that way. You don't get a free pass just because your name in known. Dad had your background looked into for his own peace of mind…and if you want to suggest that I'm a hypocrite for saying it was okay for him and not for you…let me remind you that you're laying there doing the same thing…thinking it was okay for you and yet condemning my father for wanting to protect his daughter."
"You have a point about that," he said quietly. "A father will do everything in his power to make sure his child is safe…I guess especially after everything your father had been through."
"He didn't know you then…he knows you now."
"I don't think he's a fan…"
"Quit picking at his wife and he'll like you as much as he always did."
"I'm trying to improve."
"What do you intend to say or do when you see her tomorrow?" Kate asked.
"Apologize…and hopefully the right words will come when I get there. I'm sure she won't make it easy for me, she never does."
"Why should she when no one has ever made anything easy for her," she whispered.
"Can I ask why this pregnancy has suddenly made you even more protective of your mother than usual?" Castle asked.
Kate turned over to face him. "Why do you say it like it's a bad thing?"
He shrugged. "Just seems like a sudden about face…before I don't think you cared so much about what was said or done to her…you've said plenty of hurtful things to her."
"I'm aware of that," she said sharply; "And I regret it…I regret a lot of things about the last two years and I've been working hard to show her that I'm sorry, that I love her…and this baby…this grandchild she's been waiting on, it's going to bring us even closer together. I'm going to be a mother, Castle…and it's already been wished on me that I have a child just like me or worse…just like my grandmother wished it on my mother…and believe me, I'm worse than her…so I know I'm in for it. I'm going to pay for my sins when our kid dishes it back to me…and my mother…she's going to laugh…and then she'll console me in the way only mothers can. I need her…I'm not blowing the second chance we got. I need her, I love her, I want her to share in every moment of her grandchild's life. Yes, I am protective of her…because I don't want to lose her again. I look back and see the damage that's been done…but I know this baby will heal us all, especially her. So stepping on her and pushing her aside isn't an option anymore. Ignoring her isn't something I'm going to let happen like I was. I want us to be the mother and daughter that we always were…the one we started to be again during the chaos…before I started blowing every single thing I could with her because I was still angry and petty…and too worried about making sure you thought my world was completely you so you wouldn't leave me; because there were times when I felt like that's how it was…if you didn't have all of my attention, you might get distracted and decide I wasn't what you wanted after all. We took a lot of things from her…and it's time to make up for it…and I'm telling her about the baby next week."
"That wasn't the plan."
"I don't care about the plan anymore; I'm telling her next week…so make tomorrow count, Castle; make it count…because I'm telling her. I can't stand not telling her anymore. I'll make a new plan but she's going to know by the end of next week…and I'm sorry if that makes you angry but I can't wait on you to get done whatever it is you're trying to accomplish when you just keep setting back the progress you do make. If I do that; she'll find out on her own because she won't miss the baby bump. So I'm telling her and if you want to get mad, get mad, I don't care. You think for me it's just about giving her a moment…and it's not, it's about me having a moment I never thought I'd have and I'm tired of waiting."
He gave a resigned nod. "I understand…especially in light of this week's circumstances."
"Are you going to be mad?" she asked.
"No; you have every right to tell her…you gave me a chance like you said you would…now I have an even more specific deadline. I've got a lot of sucking up to do and so little time to do it."
"Don't make it obvious," Kate replied as she turned back onto her side. "She knows a snow job when she sees it."
Castle blew out a quiet breath…he still wished he had a grand gesture to speed up the process.
The next afternoon, Castle parked in the Becketts driveway, a feeling of slight trepidation pressing down on his shoulders as he reached for the textbook lying on the passenger seat. He couldn't help but wonder what this lunch would bring…he had to admit that being in Johanna's territory was unnerving; this was her home, her domain…she ruled the roost and he wasn't guaranteed a fair trial away from the eyes of the public which always guaranteed that their voices be kept down and that their discussions look amicable to the outside world. Here, in her kitchen…she'd be allowed to have the last word, the right to toss him out on his ear. She had more power here…and he could admit to himself that it felt like a ridiculous thing to think; his mother-in-law carefully arranging things to gain more power as if she was a Tudor Queen who was strategically planning her battle.
He blew out a breath, Johanna Beckett was no Elizabeth I…but she did know how to accomplish things; and even if power was a ridiculous notion to hold in regard to the place where lunch was held, he felt the notion just the same. She wasn't a queen…although he was sure that he had classified her as Queen Johanna once or twice…and he was positive that she was a queen in his father-in-law's eyes…but the truth of the matter was that she wasn't a cunning queen. No; she wasn't that at all…it was much worse, she was a mother-in-law…even worse, she was a lawyer. She might not walk into courtrooms and try cases anymore…but she still knew how to go about winning her case. It wasn't just about the work done, it was about the presentation of that work; he had jotted down that phrase she had spoken in her class the week before. Johanna knew the importance of presentation…and so of course she'd pick her own home; her own kitchen to launch her next course of action.
Maybe it was a bad idea, Castle thought as he climbed the steps leading to the backdoor; in fact he was sure that it was a bad idea but he couldn't back out now. With a resigned breath, he raised his hand and knocked on the door. The first knock went unanswered, and he couldn't help but wonder if it was part of her plot; to invite him over and then let him stand on the porch, shunned and feeling like an idiot. He knocked again and then registered the sound of footsteps coming near the door. The curtain on the window of the door brushed aside for a nanosecond, checking his identity before the lock released and she pulled the door open.
"I was starting to think you had changed your mind," Castle remarked as he faced his mother-in-law.
"I took my basket of laundry upstairs," Johanna replied as she stooped down and scooped up Scarlett so that Castle wouldn't step on her small paws as he stepped inside.
"Oh," he replied, awkwardness setting in as he watched her set her cat down in a safe spot away from his feet. He noticed that her feet were bare…and it suddenly dawned on him that he had gotten unaccustomed to seeing her without three inch heels. The loss of height made her seem smaller…something he wouldn't think she'd want him to witness. The shoes were as much a part of her armor as they were Kate's…a piece of her confidence. It seemed odd…just as he was now unaccustomed to seeing his mother-in-law's face scrubbed clean of makeup…and she wasn't wearing any, he noticed; her lips were unpainted…her eyelids missing that dash of eyeshadow that highlighted her green eyes…no swipe of mascara detectable on her long ink colored lashes. No makeup, no heels…her hair pulled back in a ponytail; dressed in a thin blue long sleeved shirt and faded jeans so worn that material looked nearly white in some areas. She wasn't dressed like a woman prepared to wage her battle and it bothered him a little. Really it wasn't so odd, he figured…Johanna wouldn't feel the need to put on shoes and make up when she clearly had no intention of leaving the house…but still…it left him unbalanced to see her that way…without the heels to add attitude to her walk…the makeup serving as part of a mask. She seemed small…it made her seem different…it reminded him of when she lived with Kate and he had been slightly more sympathetic to her plight. Was it a part of her plot? A softer look and a location of her choosing…he shook his head. He was making her into one of those medieval monarchs again.
"Lunch will be ready in a few minutes," Johanna said as she gestured for him to take a seat at the table.
"I, uh, brought your book back," he said, holding out the textbook to her.
Johanna accepted the book and laid it on the counter. "I hope you found it helpful."
"I did, thank you," he remarked while taking off his jacket and hanging it on the back of the chair. He had a feeling that she wouldn't assist him with his research again.
She stayed quiet, moving to the sink to wash her hands in anticipation of the timer going off on the oven.
"Where's Jim?" Castle allowed himself to ask, his gaze darting toward the doorway of the kitchen.
"At work, like I told you he would be," Johanna replied. "You're safe."
"Does he know I was coming over?"
"Yes…why would I keep it from him?"
He shrugged. "I just thought he might not approve at the moment."
"He doesn't; he thinks I should be done with your lunch campaign but he said that decision is mine."
"And you don't agree with him yet?"
"You're here, aren't you?"
"Yes…although I keep wondering why it had to be here," Castle stated.
Johanna laid aside the dish towel she had dried her hands on and turned to face him although she remained near the sink. "I told you; I wasn't going out today. I like to stay home on the mornings when I don't work. Is there a problem with being here?"
"No…it's just that the café felt like neutral ground."
"So it's okay for me to come to your playground but you don't want to come to mine?"
His brow rose. "I'm not sure I catch your meaning?"
"I came to your home for dinner when you invited me last week…it won't kill you to have lunch in my home."
"Kate says this is home field advantage."
"She's a smart girl, I raised her that way."
"So you're not denying it?"
"No; I'm not denying that I wanted to stay home today…and that I really didn't give a damn if you liked the demand to come here if you wanted to see me. If that gives me so called 'home field advantage' so be it…because yes, I prefer to be in the comfort of my own home today. Now I've given all the reasons I'm going to give for my choice; if you didn't like it, you didn't have to come."
"Kate also mentioned that you have a nice backyard to bury me in," Castle remarked.
His mother-in-law smirked. "She must still be mad at you."
He nodded. "It's been a little chilly at home."
"I'm sorry I can't extend much sympathy to you about your plight…but you know, you should expect that since I'm evil mother-in-law number three," Johanna replied.
Castle smiled. "You're still mad too."
"No; I'm not mad…merely waiting on delivery of my sash and crown to go with the title…your last mother-in-law did return it, didn't she? I wouldn't want you to have to buy new just for me."
"Unfortunately I hadn't thought of gifting a crown and sash…Gina's mother probably would've liked that."
Johanna smiled a little. "Do you think she'd like to start a club with me?"
"No; I'd rather you not meet Gina's mother…she would taint you."
"And Meredith's?"
"You don't want to meet her either…just be a club of one. Why aren't you wearing makeup?"
Johanna's brow rose. "That was a fast subject change…and why is it of consequence that I'm not wearing makeup?"
"I'm just used to you wearing it."
"Does my face offend you without it?"
"No, of course not…you look like Kate."
"It's more like Katie looks like me…only I'm the older, dark haired version."
"You don't look all that much older…your family must have good genes."
"We do…at least in the way of aging…personality wise is up for debate I suppose."
"I don't think we should do that," Castle remarked somewhat quietly. That was definitely a can of worms he should avoid.
"Probably not. What would you like to drink?"
"Coffee's fine," he replied.
Johanna took down a mug from the cupboard and he watched as she prepared his coffee the way he liked it…which should probably tell him that she wasn't as detached as she sometimes seemed in regard to him. She sat the mug down on the table in front of him and then moved to back to the stove where she had water heated for a cup of tea for herself. He stayed quiet as she fixed her drink and placed it on the table, moving her reading glasses and her paperback book to the side where they'd be out of the way.
The timer went off on the oven and she grabbed a potholder and opened the door, pulling out the tray that had two sandwiches on it.
"Those look good," Castle commented. "What are they?"
"This sandwich is called a panini," Johanna replied as she put one on each plate.
"Store bought?"
"No; I found a recipe in a magazine. I tweaked it to mine and Jim's preferences. The bread is Italian; there are small chunks of chicken, crumbled bacon, cheese and a sauce that the recipe called for."
"Sounds good," he said sincerely as she placed the plate in front of him and then sat down her own before moving to the refrigerator and taking out two small salads.
"I hope you'll like it," she replied.
"I'm sure I will," he said as he picked up his knife to cut the sandwich in half.
Johanna settled down across from him and he didn't miss the fact that Scarlett hurried towards her and laid down near her feet.
"Scarlett likes to stay close," he commented.
"She loves me," Johanna replied while cutting her own sandwich. "She also knows that I love her."
Castle took a bite of his sandwich, hoping to buy himself some time to find the right words, but for the moment, his worries were forgotten. "This is really good," he said as the flavors of the sandwich hit his tongue.
"I'm glad you like it."
An awkward silence fell over the table for a few moments and he knew that he'd have to be the one to break it; to bring up the elephant in the room.
"Listen," Castle said; his tone quiet. "I'm sorry I fouled things up with your sister. I should've listened to Kate and left that part of your life alone."
Johanna gave a small nod. "Yeah; you should have. I know you thought you were doing the right thing…and you wanted me to be grateful…and I wasn't and can't find it in me to pretend I am to make you feel better. I can, however, put it in the past. At least I know now that nothing was ever going to change and I can quit trying. So, I guess I can thank you for closure. I know it's not the thank you that you wanted but it's the only one I can give."
Castle glanced down at his plate. Somehow having her excuse what he had done so easily was a feeling worse than her anger. "You're just letting me off the hook?" he asked.
"It looks that way."
"Why?"
"Why not?" Johanna asked. "What's the point in holding on to it? It's not going to make anything different…not where Colleen is concerned. It might make me more cautious about what I share with you…because you did break my trust and that's not something I can push aside easily. But I can put the rest in the past…I don't want to create more issues between us by holding on to it…I'm growing tired of this battle."
"Meaning what?"
"Meaning that I'm not what's important here…and neither are you. What's important is Katie. I don't want to be the issue of your marriage; I don't want to come between the two of you. I don't want her to spend her life thinking she has to choose between us…that she always has to be defending one or the other. She's not going to be happy in that situation. Her happiness is more important than me…and it's more important than you. I won't allow you to pick my box...but I will concede the battle to you."
"Concede the battle?" he asked.
Johanna nodded. "Yes, you win. I concede…I don't want to be in this fight anymore. I am who I am…and I won't change to suit you, nor would I ask you to change who you are."
Castle held up a hand to silence her. "There's a lot in that statement and I think maybe we should dissect it. I don't know if I like this 'concede the battle' message you're relaying. Is that how you view our relationship, a battle?"
"Yes," she said honestly. "Don't you? How can I not view it as a battle when I always seem to earn your ire or disdain no matter what I do. How can it not be a battle when I have so many traits and flaws that annoy you? Are you really going to tell me that you haven't likened it to a battle in your mind?"
He swallowed the bite he had taken and then took a sip of coffee. "No, I can't tell you that I haven't likened it to a battle…especially when I viewed your demand for this location as home field advantage and thought you must be plotting your battle…in a Tudor Queen like way."
Johanna swallowed a sip of her tea. "Tudor Queens, huh? I don't find it a fitting metaphor for me; after all, most Tudor Queens had terrible fates. The first Tudor Queen was Elizabeth of York, she had to marry her family's enemy, Henry Tudor and she died at thirty-seven after giving birth for the seventh time I believe, not mention suffering through the deaths of a few of her young children. The Queens of Henry the eighth, who was Elizabeth York's second son, also met bad ends. It's said that first wife Catherine of Aragon was poisoned, Anne Boleyn of course was beheaded, Jane Seymour died a few days after giving birth, Anne of Cleves was deemed too ugly which made it possible for her to get out alive; Catherine Howard was beheaded and his last wife, Catherine Parr managed to outlive him…seemed like a hard thing to do with those Tudor men. His children of course fared no better, his son died as a teenager, Mary became known as Bloody Mary during her reign. Elizabeth, however, reigned a long time but died unmarried and childless…and she wasn't spared her share of scandals. I don't think I'm anywhere near as bad as they were, despite my trials and tribulations."
"I didn't realize you were so well versed in Tudor history," Castle remarked.
"I like to read…remember, I like historical fiction as well as mysteries and romance."
He nodded. "I do remember that."
"I also spent time in London…Maggie and I filled our days with historical tours while our husbands were working."
"A real queen wouldn't concede the battle on a whim," he found himself saying.
Johanna met his eye. "A true queen rules with her heart and not just her mind. A true queen considers the welfare of everyone in her kingdom…and if conceding some small skirmish of a battle means her kingdom will be happier and fare better…she'll do so with few qualms."
"But for a queen to concede…it wouldn't look good to her subjects."
"There are always detractors…a queen never pleases all of her subjects and she knows that…she knows conceding would probably give cause for some subjects to call her weak; to question her position and her right to own the title. But concession isn't something any queen does without thought of the consequences. If it's a battle she feels destined to lose, then pulling away from a long tedious war might look better to the people in her realm. The majority will realize that she was sparing them the hardships a losing battle would bring. With a minor concession, she can make negotiations and treaties that benefit all parties instead of letting things progress and become worse on the battlefield."
"But there might still be those who think she gave up too easily."
"Some queens would prefer to be remembered for a concession…than a long drawn out battle that ended in hollow victory with casualties that she never wanted to acquire."
"But are those the kind of queens little girls aspire to be? The kind of queen who concedes in the midst of battle?"
Johanna's chin jutted up a notch. "A true queen isn't measured by the battles she waged and won…she's measured by the depths of her heart and what her people meant to her…and what she was willing to do for them, even if it meant self sacrifice. Some little girls do aspire to be a queen of hearts."
"Okay," Castle said with a nod; "I do get that…but I don't think concession is necessary here in this realm."
"Maybe it is…and just because I concede the battle, doesn't mean I concede everything. I don't concede to your thoughts concerning me."
"Meaning?"
"You don't accept me for who I am," Johanna remarked. "You think I need to fit some specific mold that you have in mind. You want to fix me…but I'm not broken. I don't need to be fixed, and if I did, you wouldn't be the person who could accomplish the feat. I'm the person I've always been. I'm not perfect; I make mistakes, I do things wrong, I have flaws. There are things in my past that I regret…things I wish I could change; but I can't change the past. What's done is done and it's taken me a long time to accept that and make my peace with it. I can't spend every day of my life dwelling on a sector of years when I was forced to do something I hated; something I felt I had no control over. I can't keep dwelling on it because then I drown. I can't let people wield that sword over me to shame me and put me in a box they feel is a suitable place for me…a box I already lived in for too long."
"I know, I…" Castle started to say.
"No," Johanna said with a shake of her head. "You're going to listen to all of it before you have your say."
He decided it would probably be best not to fight her…to allow her to speak her piece without interruption for the time being and so he nodded, giving way to her will.
Johanna met his eye. "You don't get to pick my box, Rick. You don't get to decide where I belong in this family and how I should act and what mold I should fit. I was created to fit the mold made specifically for me…not to be squeezed into one of your making. People have been shoving women into boxes since the beginning of time…even those Tudor Queens were shoved into boxes that maybe they didn't want to be in. Queens, first ladies, wives, mothers…actresses…lawyers…cops…no matter the decade, there's always someone somewhere trying to put us in the box they feel we belong in…but through the years we've learned to fight back and bust those boxes open and make our own place. You don't get to pick my box, you don't get to pick my spot or tell me where I get to stand in my own family. I do the choosing, not you…you can't pick a dress for me, let alone a box to contain me."
"It's not like that," he said, but she shook her head and he fell silent.
"It is like that," Johanna went on. "You think you know me, and really, you don't. You think you know what's best and that you'll decide the role that everyone plays…like we're characters in your books and you're outlining who is a villain and who is a hero. Reality isn't so neat and simple. You don't get to make all the choices. You don't get to pick my box and tell me how to live in it. You don't get to tell me what kind of woman to be, how to think, feel or behave. I've been a woman since before you were born; and I've been taking care of my own thoughts, feelings and actions for a very long time. You don't get to tell me how to be a mother…I've been one for over thirty years and she turned out pretty damn well so I don't think I did a bad job. You won't tell me how to be a grandmother when that day comes. You don't get to tell me what kind of mother-in-law I'm going to be. You don't make the choices. I make the choice; I pick my box and that box isn't narrow, it doesn't have a lid and its sides easily expand in accordance to my feelings and wishes."
'No; I wasn't trying to put you in a box. I just want you to be a good mother-in-law."
"Did it ever occur to you that I could be one on my own, in time? I haven't even held the job for a full year…and yet I've already received a failing grade and get the dubious honor of carrying the mantel of being the cause of unhappiness for the whole family."
"I was angry when I said that and I do apologize for it," Castle told her; "As for becoming a good mother-in-law in time…I was just hoping to speed up the process a little."
"Yes, I know…I just don't know the full reason for it. I think part of our issue is that we both interpret the title of mother-in-law differently. You see, to me, a mother-in-law continues to mother her own child while accepting that the new spouse is now a part of that child. A considerate mother-in-law knows that she needs to maintain certain boundaries so that she can't be accused of constantly being in their business. She will certainly offer moral support or advice if it's needed, but she knows to mind herself…because if she gets too mixed up in the martial business, the spouse might convince that mother's child that it's best to see less of her…because some spouses are able to exude that type of power. So I see the role as a bit of a balancing act; I have my own mother-in-law as an example, and my mother's example as well. My mother-in-law hated my guts and made no secret of it. The first time she laid eyes on me, she hated me and I wasn't even dating Jim at the time, but she hated me. She threw holy fits when she learned we were dating; called and demanded I cancel plans I made to help him celebrate his birthday, called me every name in the book, and accused me of being a gold digging slut. She learned I had a food allergy, put pecans in everything she served at Thanksgiving. When Jim gave her the news we were engaged, he took pictures of her outrage," she said with a laugh. "I still have them somewhere; she looked like she was on the verge of a stroke. She even took to her bed in distress at the thought he was going to marry me. She threw a number of fits during our engagement…even got into my head enough once that I called off the wedding. I came to my senses with some help…and she wore black on that day in August when I walked down the aisle. I knew going in that I had an adversary…but I didn't try to change her. I accepted that she was what she was. I'm not saying I didn't get pissed off at her, I did. I'm not saying we didn't fight, we did. We just didn't launch any campaigns to change one another. We had our fights, sometimes dinners were boycotted and sometimes I had to grudgingly apologize for whatever offense she felt I committed. But we accepted each other as is…and eventually, with time and a grandchild presented to her that has her hair color and smirk; we settled into a relationship that we could be comfortable with. Did we still annoy each other? God yes. Did we still fight? Occasionally. Did we have bad times? Yes. Did we have good times? We did…I have some very fond memories of Elizabeth; I mourned her, I still miss her…even though she did drive me crazy."
Castle took a sip of his coffee. "You keep wanting to make dysfunction sound healthy."
"Guess what, Rick; sometimes a little comfortable dysfunction is healthy. Sure Lizzie and I had our battles…but it didn't cause a rift in our family…it amused them more than anything; and hell, sometimes a good argument between us was a little like stress relief. Now my mother; she adored Jim…but she didn't try to mother him, because he already had a mother. She treated him kindly, showed interest in him, gave her blessing for our marriage, adored our child and said she could rest easy knowing he'd take care of me. They had an amicable relationship with no pressure to do so. My father and my grandmother; they got along for the most part…but there were times when they didn't get along…times when he hated being his mother-in-law's chauffer when my mother would insist that he go to Brooklyn and get her. Grandma never held back with Dad; she told him how it was whether he liked it or not. She expressed her opinions in a very matter of fact way and swore she could put the eye on people…she put it on Dad…he swears that's how he and Mom ended up with Colleen…which does seem fitting. They sometimes bickered at holiday meals; she hit him with a wooden spoon once for eating a whole container of her biscotti before he was allowed to…but overall, they were okay with each other…and if she said something he didn't like; well, he had to get over it, as my mother told him."
"What's your point in this trip through your family history?" Castle asked.
Johanna sighed. "My point is; it doesn't have to be all rainbows and skittles all the time. Families can have their issues and still be fine with one another. I was explaining to you the way I see my role the way I do; the way I've observed it, and the way it worked when I was a daughter-in-law. Do you really think I have nothing to offer in the way of human interactions? Do you think I've learned nothing through my life and my career? There's no such thing as a perfect family, Rick…that's my point. People don't get along all the time…you know that."
"I do…but…"
"But you view the title of mother-in-law differently," Johanna remarked. "I was getting to that, believe it or not…and I apologize for boring you with my family history. I realize that I have no celebrities hanging from the branches of my family tree to keep you entertained, but if it makes you feel any better, I did meet Katharine Hepburn once."
"Really?" he asked, his brow rising in interest.
"Yes; but I wouldn't want to bore you with the tale of a sixteen year old girl standing around a theater long past her curfew. Anyway…"
"Wait, you're not going to give me that story?"
"No," Johanna replied; "My story telling skills aren't up to par with your lofty standards."
He gave her a tight lipped smile. "Any chance you take after that grandmother you mentioned?"
"Perhaps," she remarked; "She did tell me that the one good thing about crossing the line into your sixties was that you could start saying whatever the hell you wanted…God knows she did…and I did take the lesson to heart because she was a fun lady and I figure if I can't be like Naomi McKenzie, then Sophia Calabrese will suit me just fine."
"Calabrese, I like that name," Castle remarked, turning it over in his mind, already mentally assigning it as the maiden name of Erica Bradley's mother in his new series. "Did your mother like her name?"
Johanna looked at him oddly. "What?"
"Did she like the name Naomi?"
She shrugged. "She always said she was just glad that she wasn't named Mary or Maria like most of the girls she grew up with."
"She never mentioned a name she would've liked to have had instead?"
"Why?"
"I just like names," he stated; "Writers hazard."
"She never really mentioned anything…she had originally planned to name me Melissa and she had planned on naming my sister Rachel but Dad didn't like that name so they chose Colleen. I do remember my grandmother saying that my grandfather wanted to name my mother Violet…but she preferred a biblical name to the name of a flower."
"Interesting," Castle stated; thinking to himself that Erica Bradley's mother was now officially Violet Calabrese.
"I'm glad that topic was more to your liking but you got me off track. We were discussing how we have different views about the title of mother-in-law. I think I know how you view the title, I'm sure you'll disagree with what I have to say on the topic but since it's my kitchen, I'll say it anyway."
"I knew that was the reason for this venue," he quipped.
"You're free to go anytime," Johanna replied. "I won't be angry."
"I'm not going to flee just yet," Castle remarked. "Please enlighten me."
Her eyes narrowed slightly and she bit back a retort; instead deciding to follow the course she had already set. "I believe when you think about the title of mother-in-law, you focus heavily on the word 'mother'. You want a mother-in-law who acts like a second mother. You want to be mothered, you like to be mothered. There's nothing wrong with that…but I'm not your mother. You want me to be like your mother; but I'm not Martha. I can't mother someone who already has a mother who is involved in his life the way a mother should be. You already have a wonderful mother; you don't need a second one. I would never try to mother you; to me, that would be disrespectful to Martha…it would be like usurping her role. Don't get me wrong, I can love you, I can support you, I can be there for you in whatever you need…but I won't mother you. I'm not saying that to be mean. I'm saying it because I respect that Martha is your mother; the role is already taken."
"Okay," he said slowly, trying not to take what she said the wrong way…because he had a feeling that she really didn't mean it in a cruel way; just that it was some strange conviction that she held. "But there are people who have close relationships with their in-laws and even address their mother-in-law as 'mom' and treat her as if she was their own mother."
"I know; and I understand that some families find that perfectly acceptable. For me, it's not acceptable to bestow those titles…unless there's a circumstance where a parent is deceased or there's a major estrangement…and even then it doesn't feel all that good of an idea but it would be more acceptable in those cases. Just doing it for the sake of doing it has never felt right to me. I adored my father-in-law; he treated me better than my own father at times but I didn't call him 'Dad'…that role was already taken. My father was 'Dad'…and even though we had very terrible moments; I wouldn't disrespect him by giving his title to someone else. I called my father-in-law Robert; I called my mother-in-law Mrs. Beckett for the first year and a half or so because she demanded it and then I addressed her as Elizabeth, Liz or Lizzie. My father didn't call my grandmother 'mom' or 'mother'…he called her Sophia; my mother called his father Patrick. There was no bestowing of titles that someone else already held. Just like if I walked into your home one day and heard Katie calling Martha 'Mom'…there will be ass kicking; because I didn't throw up nearly every day for three months and suffer through twenty-two hours of labor without an epidural to hear her call someone else 'Mom'. That won't happen as long as I have breath in my body. There would be hell to pay…for both of them if Martha was willingly allowing it and not respecting my title as I respect hers in regard to you, because I wouldn't allow you to call me 'Mom' when you already have a mother."
"You don't like Mother's relationship with Kate, do you?"
"It's not that I don't like the idea of them having a good relationship. I'm glad that they get along. My issue is that Martha sometimes overtakes my role as Katie's mother…and she knows she does it, she has to, but it doesn't stop her. She makes it clear to me that she believes she's a better mother to my daughter than I am and that's not true. I am not a horrible mother; I raised her, I gave her everything I could give…yes, I had to leave her for awhile but in the eyes of the law, she was an adult, and I didn't do it just for kicks, I did it to keep us safe…and yet people want to classify me as a bad mother for something I didn't really have control over. So yeah; it does irk me when Martha's stepping all over my toes…like with the wedding planning. She took my role…and we all know it, whether anyone wants to admit it or not. My problem with Martha is that she doesn't really have any boundaries. She just takes over everything and when someone brings it up, you become her mortal enemy…which is fine, I can take her on anytime it pleases her, but I have a right to feel the way I do. I'm not saying she shouldn't love Katie; of course she should. How could she not? I'm not saying she shouldn't spend time with her…how can she not, she lives with you. I'm just saying that she could take a step back and remember that she's not her mother, I am. I know you think I'm stupid for feeling that way. I know you think everything I think and feel is stupid…but it is what it is, Rick…and I can't change the contents of my heart to suit you. I'm sorry. But I ask you to remember how you felt when Alexis was coming around here…you didn't like it. You felt like I was taking your role, even though I wasn't…all I was doing, was trying to take care of her for you, until she felt comfortable going home…which I was encouraging. You didn't like feeling like someone else was being in a parental role to her, and you don't see anything wrong with that…but you think it's wrong for me to feel the same way."
Castle nodded slowly. "Maybe you're right about that…maybe I am a little bit of a hypocrite in that department. There are times when Mother has no boundaries…but I'm used to that, and I'm sure you're not. I don't mean that in a bad way, for the record; just that your family life has been structured differently. I have no right to tell you that you can't be hurt or bothered by the feeling that Mother sometimes steps on your toes. I can't tell you not to feel like she tries to overtake your role. If you feel that way; I'm sure you have your reasons and you don't have to justify them to me."
"As I told you before, Rick; I don't hold any issue with your mother against you. I know you probably don't believe that, because you rarely believe anything I say…since I'm such a liar, as you often remind me, but it's the truth; I don't hold those things against you. I just wish you'd leave it where it belongs, between Martha and I…because neither one of us needs you to fight our battle for us."
He cringed a little. "I know you're not a compulsive liar, Johanna. If I've made you feel that I view you that way, I'm sorry."
"It's fine, don't worry about it."
"I feel like maybe I have to worry about it," he replied.
"You don't," she assured. "If that's the way you feel about me, then it's your right to feel that way. Just don't expect me to constantly defend myself against the accusation…because as long as I know my truth, and my husband knows it, and my daughter at least gives me the courtesy of telling it to her, then that's all that matters. You don't have to like me, Rick. You might find this whole mother-in-law and son-in-law thing easier if you just take the pressure off yourself and accept that it's okay not to be a fan. I'm not going to be devastated over it…I'll be disappointed of course, but disappointment is easily gotten over. It's not that I don't want my daughter's husband to like me; of course I wanted whoever her spouse was to be to like me…but my life doesn't hinge on it. It's fine, really it is. Some people just don't mesh, and if were those people, it's okay. We can still get along in the same family just fine…and maybe somewhere down the road, you'll feel differently…but if you don't, it'll still be fine."
"I do like you Johanna," Castle stated. "I don't think you like me."
She shook her head. "I've always liked you, Rick. I've always thought you were a good man, a good father, a good son, a good person for Katie. I appreciated that you helped me find my footing with her when I first came home. I appreciated all the help you gave her through that whole ordeal. But little by little, you started to judge me…there were looks and comments and special talks…and for a long time I let them roll off my back because we were all in a stressful situation; but then the situation changed…and it felt like everything changed. I still liked you, I approved of your marriage and you have my blessing. I just don't like the way you treat me…and I was always taught that you treat people the way they treat you…so when you treat me in a way I don't like, I tend to give it back to you."
"Yeah; there's no doubt about that," Castle remarked. "You give it with both barrels."
Her gaze met his. "I don't know how to give anything less than both barrels…because all my life I've had to fight one battle or another; whether it be my father or misogynic men in my profession, people who looked down on me for being a working mother…and then looked down on me for the period of time that I was a stay at home mother when I was between law firms. I had to fight my way back from exile, I had to slay a dragon to save my daughter…I've had to fight to regain every relationship I had that was left behind. Some I succeeded at, some I've failed…but I fought every step, win or lose…and don't you ever forget it."
He studied her silently for a moment, noting that her back was straight, that her eyes had been upon his as she spoke every word. Her chin was jutted up a notch…that trait that Kate often described as McKenzie arrogance…but in that moment he saw it more as McKenzie pride. She didn't need heels and makeup to go into battle; she didn't need her professional wardrobe. Johanna Beckett could fight her battles just fine with a clean face, in faded jeans and a plain shirt…barefoot with her cat napping beside her. She could fight them in a courtroom…in an empty hotel kitchen…in a city café or her own kitchen table. Perhaps he didn't give her enough credit. "I won't forget," he stated quietly.
"I know you think everyone was better off without me," Johanna said softly; "And maybe they were…maybe life was more peaceful without my presence. Katie doesn't really need me, she learned to get along without me…so did Jim…everyone did, as was to be expected. I didn't come home with the purpose of ruining everyone's lives. I came home to save my daughter…because the FBI wasn't keeping her safe; they broke the deal…I owed them nothing once they allowed that bullet to be fired into her body. I couldn't let her lose her life for me. I couldn't take the lies anymore. I couldn't take the loneliness. Life wasn't more peaceful for me…I wasn't better off without them…and if the greatest act of selfishness I ever committed was to come home…then I can live with that; because I wasn't better off…I'm nothing without them. My goal was always to come home…it was never meant to be a permanent absence. It took longer than I ever wanted…but I made it back. I'm sorry my presence has disrupted your life and your sense of peace…but I'm not sorry for coming home and I never will be."
"I should've never said what I said about you staying in Wyoming," Castle replied. "It was wrong and it was cruel and uncalled for. No one would prefer you to still be in hiding…and Kate does need you; she needs you a lot more than you think…I know, because she's told me so; and I don't think Jim ever learned to go along without you…it was more like he was going through the motions. You're supposed to be here, that's why you were saved. I'm sorry I hurt you with that statement."
She gave a nod of acknowledgement. "And I apologize for anything I've ever done that has hurt you…and I hope one day you will forgive me. If you don't that's okay too, I understand, but at least I've offered you my apology…even if you do hate when I say I'm sorry."
"It's not that I hate it; it's that I think you overuse the phrase and it loses its sentiment," Castle replied.
Her brow rose. "I'll respectfully disagree on that; but I will try to curb my apologies in the future so you don't have to feel that way."
"That feels like you're placating me."
Johanna sighed deeply. "Listen, Rick; I feel like I've said all I can say on today's topics; in closing, I'd like to add that I'm willing to put everything in the past and move forward without mentioning it again…and by that, I mean everything on your list. We can just leave it where it is and go on."
"That's a nice offer," Castle said slowly; "But I think there are things we still need to discuss."
"Really?" she asked incredulously. "I offer to forgive and forget, leave it all in the past…and you don't take the offer?"
"I feel like brushing things under the rug is a bad thing…and part of the reason we are in this current situation. I don't think we can pretend that things didn't happen."
"I didn't say pretend, I said 'forgive and forget'."
"I don't think we can forget," he replied; "If we could…we wouldn't have this acrimonious relationship."
Johanna shook her head at him. "You wouldn't have survived long in Tudor England."
"That's probably true," Castle remarked. "I wouldn't be able to go along with their penchant for lying and betrayal."
Johanna bit back the words that flooded toward her tongue; the words asking why 'liar' and 'betrayal' often found its way into any conversation they had…why he also looked at her that certain way when the words spilled from his lips; even after he apologized for saying it or expressing it before. Every response she could think of felt like a loaded gun, one that would set the next battle in play and so she remained silent, feeling like silence must always be an answer when her son-in-law was involved…because she couldn't stand the thought of being the thing to come between him and Katie. She couldn't allow him to come between her and her daughter. The only logical course was a tactical retreat…which she was trying to offer but he seemed adamant on declining.
"What were you going to say?" Castle asked; his gaze upon her, watching as she rejected each response that made her lips part in anticipation of speaking.
She gave a soft shake of her head. "Nothing; I wasn't going to say anything."
"Don't lie…I could see you swallowing the words."
Her jaw tightened, a flicker of anger flashing in her eyes. "I said it was nothing."
"And you're lying."
She smiled but it was warm and motherly…instead it was cold and bitter, and he had a feeling that he took the wrong step again.
"Can you ever go one full conversation without finding some way to call me a liar?" she asked; her tone low and clipped. "Is it some personal mission for you to say that word to me as much as possible…to keep turning that knife, like you have to remind me or I might forget? You apologize for it and turn around and do it again and again, it never stops."
"What are you talking about?" Castle asked.
"Don't play stupid, you know what you do, you know you always call me a liar, sometimes outright and sometimes in clever ways. You think I overuse the words 'I'm sorry', well you overuse 'liar'. I don't need you to remind me of what I am," she said sharply as she smacked her hand against the table. "I know what I am!"
He realized his mistake as he watched a sleepy Scarlett leap onto her owner's lap as if offer to comfort. He had made mention earlier that he had likened her to a Tudor Queen preparing for battle…and then remarked that he wouldn't survive in the Tudor world because he couldn't go along with their lies and betrayal. It had probably felt like a thinly veiled dig…that reminder she spoke of…the one he apparently always gave…even after apologizing and assuring her that he didn't view her as a compulsive liar.
"Is that what you think everyone sees you as?" he asked gently.
She laughed but it lacked humor. "Of course, how can I think otherwise? It's the first thing that always gets thrown at me…but that's my cross to bear for being one for thirteen years. I don't ever get to try and forget…because no one lets me, especially you. So I'll make you a new deal; I'll cut back on apologies, and maybe you can cut back on calling me a liar…and then I won't dread seeing you so much, okay? Does that suit you since my previous offer didn't?"
"That's what it is?" Castle said; "That's the reason you're not comfortable with me?"
"Yes," she replied; "You should already know that; haven't I told you enough times? It's part of that judgment thing I keep mentioning. When I start to get comfortable again, you bring that word out…you like stabbing me with it. Well I'm tired of feeling that knife plunge into me. You think I liked having to lie? I didn't. I hated it…it's not who I was. I wasn't a liar, not about anything important anyway…so what I lied to my husband about what a pair of boots cost at Bloomingdales…I just thought he might have a stroke or beat me with them if he knew they were almost two hundred dollars; all wives tell those lies. And yeah, I lied about a dent in the car…because Katie and I were both at fault for it and neither one of us wanted the lecture and the yelling because we had each already dented that car twice so we pretended not to know how it got there. I didn't lie about important things…until I had to. I didn't like it, I didn't want it, I don't want to keep hearing it and carrying it…I don't want to be known as the Queen Liar."
He studied her for a moment, watching as she softly ran her hand over Scarlett's fur, the cat purring beneath her touch, her small head rubbing against her affectionately. Her gaze lowered to her pet, accepting the love that Scarlett offered. Why did he keep hanging that banner of liar over her head? What did it gain him? So far, it had only gained him a mother-in-law who didn't like to be in his company because she knew a moment would come when he'd slap her face with her past misdeed; the one she had committed out of love, fear, and the need to protect. It wasn't right or fair. If he ever wanted things to be better between them, he had to stop doing it.
"I'm sorry, Johanna," he told her sincerely. "I realize that sometimes I am quick to throw that word at you and it isn't right…nor will it endear me to you. It's going to stop…I mean it. I know I already said it earlier and clearly made you feel like I went back on that apology as soon as you blinked, but I swear, I'm going to stop doing that to you. I'm not going to keep making you feel branded as a liar."
She scoffed softly but said nothing, her gaze still on her cat. "And please don't censor your thoughts or feelings," Castle added. "I'd rather hear something I don't like than have you suffocate yourself in effort to keep from stepping on my toes."
"It seems to be the only course of action I have left," she replied. "If I don't keep my mouth shut, eventually, I'll be a problem between you and Katie and I can't be the problem."
"You're not going to be a problem…I don't want you to take it into your head that you need to keep your distance or stay silent; we want you to be involved in the family. I still don't want to brush things under the rug; that's not going to help anything. I think we still need to discuss those things…but at the end of the day, no matter what is said between us…no one is going to allow it to become a marital issue…or an issue between you and Kate; because even though you don't really come right out and say it, I see it…you worry not only about coming between Kate and I…you worry that you'll anger me enough that I'll try to keep her from you…and I can assure you that day will never come. I would never ask her to stay away from her mother…and she'd never allow me to even think of making that demand; so you don't need to worry."
"Easier said than done."
"Most things are," Castle remarked.
Johanna's gaze met his once more. "So where do we go from here?"
It wasn't the question that Castle had expected and it hung heavy in the air between them. Where did they go from here? He knew where he'd like them to go; he'd like them to find their way back to an amicable mother-in-law/son-in-law relationship. But how were they supposed to get there? What was he supposed to do…what gesture was he supposed to make? Where did they go from here? On the spot with her studious green gaze upon him, he wasn't sure he had an answer…but he better find one before she changed her mind about coming along.
A/N: The answer to that question and the rest of their meeting will pick up in the next chapter.