A/N: Thanks for your reviews.

Chapter 14

"Where do we go from here?" The question continued to cycle through Castle's brain as he searched for an answer; one that would appease them both and put back a semblance of balance that he had started to create before he obliterated it with one wrong move.

"I don't really know," he finally replied. "Maybe we should start over."

"Start over?" Johanna questioned warily as Scarlett leaped down from her lap.

He nodded. "Start over…in terms of what we've been doing the last few weeks. We started to make a little progress and I upset that by doing something I shouldn't have. So I say that we should continue with the usual Tuesday lunches…with some minor tweaks."

"What kind of minor tweaks?"

"Maybe we need balance."

"In what way?"

Castle took a sip of his coffee before continuing. "There are things we still need to discuss…we can't just pretend certain events didn't happen and they're not going to go away no matter how hard we try to ignore them. But…maybe we should pick one list item for discussion…and then a more neutral topic to ease any tension the topic brings…that way it feels like a better balance between the good and the bad."

"Do you think that's possible?" Johanna asked; "Because some topics might sour the idea of a neutral topic before leaving. I'm not against the idea…I'm just not sure it could work."

"Well, we won't know unless we try," he replied, doing his best to keep tartness from his tone; "And I think we should add Thursday."

Johanna's nose wrinkled in distaste. "Why?"

"Because Thursday is reset day…remember, we made that deal."

"Yes; but it seemed like you were combining the reset into Tuesday."

"A reset for any bad feelings…but maybe Tuesday can be for the not so good stuff…and Thursday can be more neutral…you say I don't know you…how am I supposed to know you the way the rest of your family does if I don't spend time with you?"

Johanna sighed deeply and reached for her drink.

"Come on," he said with a grin; "It won't be so bad; Kate learned to like it."

"It's my understanding that the mayor and her Captain didn't give her much choice but to get used to you."

Castle smiled, trying to ease the tension that kept wanting to rise in the air, reminding them of discord they couldn't seem to shake. "I can call the mayor if it'll make you feel better. If I ask him, he'll pretend he's ordering you to do it."

Johanna shook her head. "I don't think I want to bother the mayor; hopefully he has better things to do…like running the city."

"So…does that mean you're game?"

"I suppose…but on a trial basis."

Puzzlement furrowed his brow. "Why on a trial basis?"

His mother-in-law met his eye. "Because you broke my trust."

"I know…but I apologized."

"I'm not talking just about going to my sister," Johanna remarked. "I'm talking about giving her what I wrote."

He breathed deeply. "There was nothing in your pages to be ashamed of; they're your memories."

"I'm not ashamed of them; and I'm aware of what they are…but I didn't give you leave to share it. It's hard for me to think about giving more in the terms of your 'get to know you better' segment you want to schedule now. It makes me wary…because I feel like I can't trust you as much as I did."

He felt his jaw tighten in aggravation. "I didn't publish what you wrote in the Ledger. I gave it to your sister."

"You had no right to give it to anyone…it's my property that I shared with you. Come on, Rick; I don't need to explain intellectual property laws to you, do I?" Johanna asked. "You should be well versed in all forms of that idea legally and morally."

"No, I don't need you to explain it to me…I just don't think it should be turned into something huge. It's not a sign that I'm not a trustworthy person."

"If I had let someone else read the scenes you gave me; wouldn't you have considered that a breach?"

"That's different."

She shook her head. "It's only different in your mind. You think your words should be guarded because you're a professional writer; but mine can be given away because I'm nothing. Well I don't see it that way; those were my words, my memories…it's something that was highly personal to me and you betrayed my trust when you allowed other people to read what I had written and shared with you in confidence."

He bit back a sharp retort; she was right after all, the words were her property and she didn't give him permission to share her work. "I'm sorry that I betrayed your trust; it won't happen again."

"I hope not…because Jim said he told you to delete anything else of mine that I had written and you agreed to that. Have you done that?"

He had saved them to a flashdrive first but he had deleted them. "Yes; I deleted them…I hated to do it though."

Johanna took another sip of her tea. "Well, I personally feel better knowing that they're no longer on your computer."

Castle felt a small measure of guilt about the fact that he had saved her work on a flashdrive but he had no intentions of allowing anyone access to it and she didn't need to know about it. "I'm glad you feel better about it."

"I know you think it's stupid," Johanna remarked. "You think most things I do, say or feel are stupid…but I can't help it. I don't live my life in the tabloids; I like my personal business kept within family confines or kept in confidence with the friends I choose."

"You have a right to feel how you want," he told her. "We're different kinds of people…I'm an open person; I don't care if people know things about me. I'm not overly bothered by what people say about me…I'm just bothered by what they say about my books at times."

"Because your books, although public, are highly personal to you," Johanna remarked. "Just like my rambling memories are personal to me…you don't want your books ridiculed. I don't want my sentimentally used against me."

The sentiment finally hit home for him and he met her gaze and gave a nod. "I understand…I'm sorry I put you in the position of having to worry about that. Any other grievances?"

Johanna shook her head. "No; I told you, I concede my half of the battle."

"That's not the deal."

"I said I'd go to lunch; I didn't say I'd argue with you."

"I don't want us to argue…but I said we weren't going to ignore issues, remember?"

"How can I forget, you keep telling me," she remarked. "How about you tell me why this has been a big deal the last few weeks? Let's be honest, Rick; you haven't had any interest in anything changing until recently. There has to be a reason."

"I'm sticking with family unity and harmony."

"Uh huh."

"You don't believe I want that?" Castle asked.

"Obviously you want it…I just don't know why it's suddenly become important for you to want it."

"Maybe I just like you."

Johanna rolled her eyes. "Yeah, sure."

"You don't believe that either?"

"No," she said honestly; "And I'm not sure you'll ever convince me that you like me. Too much water under the bridge, Rick; but like I told you before, it's fine if you don't. I don't mind. It isn't like you'd be the first person not to like me; I assure you I can handle it. I'm a big girl."

"You say that a lot."

"Say what?"

"That you're a big girl…you always make that comment when you're putting on the tough girl façade," Castle remarked.

"I am a tough girl."

The comment reminded him of the lunch he had with Jim; his father-in-law had recounted a story about Johanna's tough girl act during her early days at her first law firm. "Sometimes you are," he replied; "By why does that "I'm a big girl" comment come up at times?"

"Habit," Johanna replied.

"Why?"

She sighed. "Daddy issues; move on."

His brow rose. "How does that relate to Daddy issues?"

Johanna met his gaze. "Quit sucking your thumb, you're a big girl. Quit crying, you're a big girl. Quit acting like a big baby; you're a big girl. You don't need anyone holding your hand, you're a big girl; act like a little lady. So what you skinned your knee, you're fine, you're a big girl, you don't need to bawl about it. So what the teacher was mean to you, you're a big girl, do as you're told, you won't have those problems. I'm taking your mother out tonight, take care of your sister, fix your brother something to eat when he gets home, keep the door locked; you'll be fine, you're a big girl."

"I see," he remarked. It was hard to fathom being the type of father that said such things. He would've never told Alexis not to cry. He fussed over his daughter's skinned knees even when Alexis wasn't bothered by them. He wouldn't have allowed an issue with a teacher to go unnoticed. He would've never denied his child a hand to hold.

"It's alright," Johanna said as he seemed lost in thought. "Some fathers are just like that…and it was a different world then."

"Meaning what?"

"Meaning that when parents weren't home, the eldest daughter was expected to keep the house in order, take care of the younger sibling, make sure the older one was fed when he came in from wherever he was. Its just how it was back then…nowadays you can't leave a ten year old home by themselves…or at least you're not supposed to; the law says thirteen; but back in the 60s, we were left home alone without qualms once I was old enough to take care of Colleen on my own; they deemed that at age ten."

"But you're not the oldest, your brother is."

"Yes; but I was the eldest daughter. The daughter takes care of the other children…my brother was encouraged to stay out playing ball and doing boy things until dark; he wasn't expected to come home to babysit us; it was my job to babysit Colleen."

"How old was your brother when you were ten?"

"Thirteen; Colleen was eight."

"He should've been in charge; he was the oldest."

She smiled a little. "Frankie wouldn't have taken care of us; he would've locked us in the closet and tore the house apart. He was going through his pig sty stage at thirteen, much to my mother's chagrin. But it wasn't something specific just to our house; a lot of people would leave the oldest girl in charge of the house and the younger children even if there was an older boy."

"I guess I can't say too much about it…Mother left me home alone at times; but…"

"But you were a boy so you feel it's different. Boys can be alone; girls need a bodyguard."

"It makes me seem sexist, but yes…although I hate to admit it."

"It's alright, Rick; that's just how men are engineered."

"How old was Kate when you started letting her stay home alone?" he asked.

"Thirteen; and then it was only for an hour or two at first so she could get used to it…and only a few days a week. I asked her to continue to go to Elizabeth's after school for at least two days a week to keep her grandmother company…she bought that excuse and didn't fight it."

Castle took another drink of his coffee. "Weren't you nervous being home alone with an eight year old?"

"Sometimes…but I knew Frankie would be home as soon as the street lights came on and I always felt safe with my brother; but honestly, no one ever bothered us; my grandfather lived down the street and we had an extremely nosy neighbor across the street so I'm sure she was keeping an eye on the house while my parents were out."

He nodded; it was a different time when she was growing up…and like he had already mentioned, his mother had left him home alone plenty of times, but he had grown up in apartments….he hadn't grown up in a house like Johanna did…like Kate did. Maybe Johanna was right, maybe they were from different worlds so to speak. He grew quiet, concentrating on the rest of his sandwich, wondering what he could possibly say next as he feared hitting the wrong nerve and starting another minor feud. His mother-in-law was silent as well and it allowed that veil of awkward tension fill the air between them once again. He wished they were at the café…silence didn't feel so damning in public; but here on her turf, it felt like something he couldn't explain and if there was one thing he hated, it was to feel like he didn't have a description for the moment at hand.

Johanna used the sudden silence to subtly study her son-in-law as he ate and kept his gaze focused away from her. She had thrown him off his game with her command that lunch be held in her kitchen. She didn't regret that decision; perhaps now he knew how it felt to squirm…how it felt to be put off balance with a demand that you didn't feel you could argue against. It sounded cruel…and in all honesty she hadn't done it to be cruel. She had done it for her own comfort, for the satisfaction of being in her own territory. His unbalance was just a bonus, a comeuppance of sorts that she felt he was in need of and the moment had been delivered without thought or intention. After all, if his mission was so important, then it wouldn't hurt him to come to her once in awhile.

She was, however, serious about being over this constant battle with him. She was tired of it and willing to give in for Katie's sake. She couldn't and wouldn't become an issue between them. Katie loved him, he made her happy and took care of her; she had no issue with their marriage and didn't want to cause any problems with it. Becoming an issue between her daughter and son-in-law would result in an issue between her and her daughter…and eventually Katie would have to choose between them. She would lose in that draw; Johanna knew that for a fact; after all it couldn't be any other way if it got to that point. The odds definitely weren't in her favor and as a seasoned lawyer; she knew all too well that when your case was destined to lose, the only option to save face was to start looking for a settlement that was agreeable to both parties.

The only problem was, Rick didn't want her concession…her willingness to forgo all of it and settle into the manner they all wanted; the mother-in-law who smiled despite certain comments, judgments and looks; one who acted the way they thought she should, who showed up for a few dinners a year with enthusiasm and told her friends perfectly pleasant anecdotes about her charming, successful son-in-law. She could easily do those things; it was a settlement she could live with if it meant the rest of the family was happy. After all, she had been given the illustrious title of being the one who brought unhappiness to the family, so she figured it was only right that she was the one to settle…and she could. But he didn't want her to. He couldn't seem to make up his mind about what he wanted.

Johanna suppressed a small sigh; that was the problem with negotiating settlements; sometimes one party wanted nothing to do with the idea; insisting on a long drawn out trial as if it was a matter of honor to win the hard way despite the win already being certain no matter the route taken. Personally, she'd had enough long battles to last her a lifetime; which was why she had chosen her distance method in regard to her daughter's new family that she had acquired through marriage. She thought distance would keep the discord at bay and yet here she was, being sentenced to weekly lunch dates that were in essence, a rehabilitation program that she called 'Build A Better Mother-In-Law'. She frowned as she picked up her drink to take a sip; she had gotten plenty of advice and warning about being a wife. She had gotten advice and warnings about motherhood. No one, however, had seen fit to warn her about the perils of being a mother-in-law. It figured, she mused…just like it figured that she'd have to navigate this stage of her life without the help of the two seasoned women who could've advised her. She missed her mother; missed her every day and longed for her comfort and love…and lately, she missed her mother-in-law too; their little spats and their comfortable conversation when the mood suited them; not to mention the peace of mind that they took each other for who they were without question or apology. Yes, she missed them both in moments like these and she wished they'd conjure up some sign to send her to tell her what to do.

As Castle searched for the next topic of conversation in effort to keep Johanna from subtly suggesting that he should leave now that his plate was empty, he glanced at the paperback book lying to the side of the table with her glasses. The purplish cover was tattered and worn, the pages holding the permanent crease of turned down corners; a book well loved and clearly re-read often. He recognized the title as the book she had told him about that time he had accompanied her to the market the day she bought her car. It was still difficult to think of her reading regency romance novels, although obviously she did…and why he found it an oddity, he didn't know. "Your book looks like its seen better days," he commented.

Johanna nodded. "It has…it's been around, from Wyoming to New York, to Hawaii, back to New York to London and back again. It's been shoved in purses and suitcases and its slot on the bookshelf. I've lost count of how many times I've read it."

"What is it about this book that makes you re-read it so much?" he asked.

She shrugged. "I just love it…it's a good book; I think every woman can relate to Penelope in one way or another; she feels overlooked, on the sidelines, unimportant. She learns that she's more than she thought she was. Colin feels at odds, he's looking for something to be his own like his older brothers have. Penelope has been in love with him since she was a teenager but while he was always kind to her, she was just his sister's friend…and then it changes and he sees her differently. There's also that plot I told you about before, they each write secretly...and one of them is endanger of having their secret exposed and it could cause a scandal. It's a romance; but there's also humor, suspense, drama, family interactions…it's everything I could want in a book. Penelope and Colin and the rest of the Bridgerton clan are like old friends; I love the whole series but this one in my favorite."

"I can tell," he said, his finger brushing against a tattered corner of the cover.

"Some books have the distinction of bringing comfort," Johanna remarked. "That book has always comforted me as much as a piece of cake does."

Castle smiled at the analogy and realized that Jim as right; if he had wanted to extend a gesture to Johanna, he should've just bought her a book. Maybe it wasn't too late though, maybe he could get her a new copy of her old favorite…better yet, perhaps an autographed copy. Surely someone he knew in the publishing world could help him get in contact with the author of the novel his mother-in-law so loved.

"You said you'd read one of her books sometime," Johanna remarked; drawing him out of his thoughts.

"I know…and I will."

She gave him an amused smirk. "I doubt it; you'd be worried about how it would look for you to read a romance novel."

"It might cross my mind," he admitted. "I'm sure Jim hasn't read romance novels."

"Not on his own accord; but when I have a migraine and want to read but can't, he reads me whatever book I'm reading at the time. He's read me several chapters from this book," she said, her fingertips tapping against her paperback.

"He reads to you?"

"Yes, when I don't feel well…he's done that for a long time; I think the first time was back when we were engaged; I had a terrible migraine that he had to take me to the hospital for and I was in bed for a day or two afterwards. It was one of my worst ones and I needed distraction…but the light of the TV was too much and I couldn't stand to read to myself so Jim quietly read to me…he's done it ever since. It doesn't bother him if it's a romance novel; all he cares about is that it makes me feel better."

He didn't doubt for a minute that his father-in-law would do anything in his power to make her feel better when she was ill.

"How is your writing going?" Johanna asked; wanting to show that she could still show interest in the things that were important to him despite the things between them.

"It's going well…juggling three stories at one time isn't always easy but I have to admit, I kind of like it."

"How come?"

"Because when I'm stuck on one; there's something else to work on that distracts me from the place I'm stuck at with the other. I try to balance it a bit; devote a day to each one…but sometimes I end up working on one all week and then going to another; and sometimes I work on two in one day. It just depends on what plotlines are brewing the most," he remarked.

"I can understand that," she replied; "And it probably keeps you on your toes a little more."

"In some cases," he said with a small grin. "I have more meetings about the new book next week."

"Oh? What about, if I may ask?"

"Honestly, the meetings are little unexpected in some ways," Castle remarked. "My last set of meetings had been to renew the other series and to give the green light for the new book; at least in e-book format because they liked the sample I submitted. I didn't expect to hear more about it so soon; I have a deadline for it and it's not until after the New Year."

"Do you think they've changed their minds?"

"No; there's mention of starting the cover art process…I have a feeling maybe they've decided to give it the full release treatment the rest of my books have."

She smiled. "Well that will be a good thing won't it?"

He returned her smile; wondering if she'd still feel that way when she found out what it was and when she was invited to the release party. "Yeah; it's a great thing…I'm just hoping they're not going to move up the deadline."

"Are they allowed to do that?" Johanna asked.

"They can move it if they have a good enough reason to do so…hopefully they don't. I'm not behind on the book but I do want to make sure it comes out just right."

"Of course," she said with a nod.

Usually conversations with her about his books felt easy and comforting, but today all he felt was awkwardness. It was awkward being there in her home after the mistake he had made that had caused her to leave their last lunch. It was awkward that she seemed to be pushing everything aside and acting as though nothing had really happened by taking up her usual questions about his work.

"I admit that I'm intrigued about the 70s angle of this book that you've been mentioning," Johanna remarked, drawing him from his thoughts. "Will it be a flashback sort of thing?"

"Well…no…I guess there's no harm in telling you that it's set in the 70s," he answered.

Her brow rose. 'That's a bit unexpected from you."

"I know…but I like the challenge of it," Castle stated; "It also helps that I know people who have the knowledge of the decade that I only know from a child's perspective."

"I miss that decade," she stated.

"You're good at talking about it…you give good information on the topic."

"I'm glad I could help…I guess I'm good for something at least."

He frowned slightly. "You're good for a lot of things…but I do like consulting with you about the 70s stuff so I get an authentic flare with the book."

"I'm sure it'll be fine…I'm looking forward to reading it."

Once again he wondered if she'd still feel that way once she found out it was Erica Bradley's book…because the whole world knew that Erica Bradley, who had been introduced as Nikki Heat's aunt and quickly became a reader favorite character, was in fact based on Johanna Beckett.

"Is something wrong, Rick?" Johanna asked.

"No; why?"

"You're just quieter than usual…it's a bit unnerving. Is Katie alright? Is she still sick?"

He shook his head. "Kate's fine, I swear that to you. I guess I'm just…trying to be careful. I don't want to cause anymore setbacks between us."

"I'm not going to lord my sister over you, Rick…you don't need to worry."

"I appreciate that, but…it's just kind of…off between us today."

She smirked a little. "To hear you tell it, it's never not off between us."

"We were doing some better lately," Castle replied.

"Yes, I know."

"I feel like that progress is gone now."

"It's not gone…just a little banged up."

"Yeah, but you made your concession speech and that just doesn't sit right with me."

Johanna sighed. "It wasn't a full concession, Rick; believe me if you did something major that I couldn't overlook, I'd still let you know about it."

"I don't want any concession."

"Fine, I don't concede; feel better?" she asked.

"Not really."

"I don't know what you want me to do," Johanna replied; "I didn't cause this latest issue but I told you I could put it in the past. I don't know what more I can do for you in that regard."

"I guess it's just something that will have to work itself out," Castle remarked.

His mother-in-law met his eye. "I am trying."

He nodded. "I know you are; and I appreciate it…because I know that recently I've given you plenty of reason to step away from this but you've agreed to keep going. I'm not sure you agreed for the reasons I had hoped, but you agreed and that's what matters."

"Why do you think I agreed?"

"Because of Kate," he answered.

"I won't insult you by denying that," Johanna replied; "But if it was something I was strongly against, I wouldn't do it even for Katie."

"Why can't you just do it for me?" Castle asked. "Why is just for Kate?"

"Because I don't know what your true motivation is, Rick; but I know that whatever it is, it has to do with Katie. I'm not trying to be harsh, but why would I do it for any reason but my daughter? You're a part of her now, so anything I do for you, I'm doing for her too. She's my baby, I'll always do for her in any way I can. I don't know what's going on, but if meeting you for lunch once a week means you'll be happy and Katie will be happy, then I'll be there; because her happiness matters most as I told you earlier. You make it seem like a bad thing that I do it for her…it's not…and I think we both know that you're doing this for her too…aren't you?"

"I'm doing it for the family."

"You're doing it for your wife."

He sighed. "Alright, I'm partly doing it for Kate and the rest is for me and the good of the family."

"You know, I never said I didn't like you. I never said I don't enjoy your company. I just don't always like the things you do…I don't always like the way you act toward me. Basically the same complaints you have against me."

"Fair enough," he said with a nod.

"Its nothing that time can't help as long as you get that judgment thing under control."

"It suddenly feels like you're trying to get out of the lunches."

She blew out an exasperated breath. "I'm not! I was just trying to make you feel better!"

"It didn't work…but maybe that's because you can't be motherly toward me," he remarked.

Johanna rolled her eyes. "Really?"

"Well, that's what you said."

"You have a mother who loves and adores you, Rick; it's plain to see every time she looks at you. You are her pride and joy just like Katie is mine. I can't be your second mother. I wouldn't do that to Martha. I will, however, be your mother-in-law for better or for worse."

"Let's hope the better is coming because we've had plenty of the worse," Castle remarked.

"The worse hasn't been a solo effort, you know?"

He nodded. "Yeah; I know…I've helped."

"You've helped a lot."

"You're not making me feel better, Johanna."

She sighed softly. "Let's just go back to books. We handle book conversations better."

He smiled a little; apparently she felt like books were the best safety net conversation too. "Do you have any law books or criminal justice books from the 70s? The textbook from your class was great and I know a lot of things have been in use for a very long time; but I'd like to see something from the era itself."

"Law books don't really change, Rick; new laws and cases get added but the old stuff doesn't change."

"So it's a no?"

Johanna thought for a moment. "I have a couple of my books from my last year of law school. I don't know why I've kept them all these years but I did. They're packed away in the attic but I'm sure I can get them out before I see you again…but make sure you don't lose them, I just can't part with them so I'm chalking it up to the sentimental value of relief that I made it through back then."

"I promise to treat them with the utmost care," he promised; "And I do appreciate your help, honestly."

"I know," she replied; trying to ignore the awkwardness that was staying in the air between them.

Castle drummed his fingers on the table for a moment. Maybe it was time to flee, after all, he hadn't gotten her agreement to continue meeting for lunch and he now had an idea for a gesture that wouldn't cause trouble. He should probably quit while he was ahead. He glanced at his watch and then pushed his chair back. "I should get going, I'm going to do some writing this afternoon while everyone is out of the loft…unless Kate calls with a case, then I'm going to the precinct."

Johanna nodded and rose from her chair. "Good luck with your writing. I always hope Katie doesn't catch a case just because I don't want her out on the streets being in danger."

He gave her an understanding smile. "Don't worry; she's good at what she does."

"Oh I know that…I just won't ever be able to not worry about what she does."

"I know…she's your baby."

"She is," she said softly. "I do feel better when you're with her though, if it's any comfort to you to know that."

"It is."

"It makes me hope that you won't stop following her until she moves up to some safer rank," Johanna allowed herself to admit.

"No need to worry; I have no plans to stop shadowing her…she's my muse, remember?"

"I remember…I just feel like she's safer when she isn't alone."

"I know; and listen, when I'm not there, she takes Ryan or Esposito with her if it's something to do with a suspect. Gates has rules about checking in and having backup; it's all under control."

Johanna managed a small smile. "Good to know…but I'll still worry."

"I know you will," he said while pulling on his coat. "See you Tuesday?"

"I'll be there," she answered; although she still wasn't anxious about the idea but it felt like it was too late to quit now.

"The usual café?"

"Sure…but it didn't kill you to come here, did it?"

Castle smiled. "No; I wasn't poisoned or hit with an iron."

She smirked at him. "And you thought I wasn't reforming as a mother-in-law."

"That feels like a dangerous statement to comment on so I'm going to let that go without a comment of my own."

"Oh good, you're reforming as a son-in-law too…and you thought there wasn't any progress today," she quipped.

He knew she was trying to put him at ease, but today it just wasn't working. Today he couldn't shake free of the awkwardness or the regret that was dogging him. "Hopefully we'll get back to progress on Tuesday."

"I'm sure it'll be fine," Johanna replied. "Be careful getting home."

"I will be," he told her. "Lock up."

"I always do."

Castle said goodbye and stepped through the backdoor, a sense of relief filling him now that he was out of his mother-in-law's kitchen. He paused on the porch long enough to hear the locks snap into place, assuring himself of her safety for Kate's sake and then he made his way to his car. It hadn't been a disaster…but he wasn't sure it had been all that great either. Everything felt in limbo and he had to find a way to balance it quickly before Kate told her about the baby.

"So, you're still going along with it?" Jim asked that evening as the show he was watching went to commercial.

Johanna tore her gaze from the page she was reading to glance at him. "Going along with what?"

He picked up the remote from the arm of the recliner and turned the TV down low. "The lunch campaign."

"For now."

"Why?"

She shrugged. "Because I don't really have a good reason not to…and because I still don't know what it's all about."

"I think you have plenty reasons not to," he replied.

"Maybe," she admitted; "But you know it would become a big deal if I listed those things as my reason for stopping. It would be something else to be used against me."

Jim's gaze met hers. "I just hate when you make yourself do things that you're not entirely comfortable with because you feel like you have to in order to please others."

"I know," she murmured, her eyes lowering to her book; "But sometimes I don't feel like I have a choice. I feel like I have to do it…I have to do it for Katie. I know something is going on and I don't know what it is…but I just can't shake the feeling that maybe she needs me and feels like I can't really be there for whatever it is unless I go along with this thing of Rick's. Believe me, I don't want to and I don't like it…but I like distance from my daughter even less. I feel like she's finally come back to me and I don't want to jeopardize it. I don't want to lose her again."

He nodded. "I know…but doesn't there have to be a line somewhere?"

"Yeah…but you know me, I never seem to find that line until I stumble across it and fall flat on my face," Johanna remarked.

Her husband gave her a small smile. "I just worry about you getting hurt more than you have been already."

She returned his smile. "Honestly, honey; I don't know if there's anything left in the hurt department that they can do."

"Usually when you think there's nothing left, that's when someone thinks up something new."

"I guess we're going to have to hope that isn't the case," Johanna replied.

"But what if it is?" he asked; hating to think about her taking another blow. She had made so much progress in two years; he didn't want anything to send her spiraling back into the clouds of depression and anguish.

"It won't be."

"How can you be sure?"

"Because I won't let it be that way," she remarked. "Why are you so worried about it?"

He shrugged. "Because I love you."

"I know that," she answered as she rose from the sofa and crossed the room, settling down on his lap when she reached him. "I think it's something more."

"I just don't know what this is all about anymore than you do," Jim stated.

"And?"

"And I don't know if it's going to hurt you in the end…and if it does, how do I protect you from it when I can't see it coming?"

She gave him a small smile, her fingers reaching for him. "Maybe it's one of those times when you have to let me fight it on my own if it comes to it."

"I don't want you to have to fight anymore battles," he murmured. "I feel like you've had to do enough fighting to last a long time."

"I know…but we don't know for certain that there is a battle coming for either one of us to fight, now do we?"

"No…but I can't help being worried. I feel like for the most part, things have finally settled and Katie's been giving more effort to keep up her end of the relationship with you and I don't want that disturbed. I want you to be happy and you're happiest when Katie is willing to be around. I don't want you to be hurt again."

"We don't know that it'll come down to that."

"I know; but I can't help always wanting to be able to keep you from hurting…to keep you safe; and I don't mean that in a physical sense in this regard…I guess it's an emotional one in this case."

"I get that…and I know the feeling. I always want to protect you from things I think might hurt you too; but I guess sometimes we can't no matter how much we want to or how hard we try," Johanna said softly.

Jim blew out a breath. "I just don't know why they always have to do things this way; distract you with one idea so they can slide in the real one and hope the distraction warmed you up enough that you don't mind."

"Well…in Katie's case; that's probably my fault. She has seen me prepare plenty of steak dinners."

He smiled. "That's a marriage tactic, not an everyone in the universe tactic."

"But a tactic none the less," she replied.

"Do you feel like something is wrong…and it's what they're not telling us? Or that someone is going to do something unexpected and they're trying to prepare us for whatever it is so the 'family unity' card goes better in the public eye this time?" he asked.

"I don't really feel like anything is wrong in the sense you mean," his wife answered. "As for one of them being up to something…well, it's more like whatever it is, they'd be preparing me for it since I'm getting all these lunch appointments…which makes me feel like it might be something I won't necessarily like. On the other hand, going back to Katie; I do feel like she needs me…she said some things when she was here that one night."

"Like what?"

"It just kind of felt like subtle hints that she's trying to start a family…and I think maybe she's worried about it. Maybe she's worried it's taking too long or that she's waited too long or she's just worried about everything possible in that regard. She hasn't confessed anything to the point, just little hints I picked up on. Maybe she needs me…maybe she needs extra moral support in that area and they think I won't give it if things are off between Rick and I; but that's ridiculous, I'd never not be there for her no matter what her husband has said or done."

"But you know how they are," Jim replied.

"Right," she agreed; "And I could completely wrong; it's all speculation of course, no hard evidence to prove the theory…just a maternal instinct."

Her husband smiled and patted her hip. "Well you've always been good with those instincts. Maybe it is something along those lines…and I have no doubt that when the time comes and she decides to start a family, she's going to need you and want you there as much as possible."

"You sound sure of that," she replied, her fingers rubbing against his.

"I am…you always wanted your mother's opinion on things when you were pregnant. When you were in labor, and repeatedly telling me it wasn't time to go to the hospital yet, you wanted Naomi here. You had me call her…and she was here in what seemed like ten minutes."

She gave a soft laugh and relaxed against him. "I'm pretty sure she did some speeding…but she helped keep me calm…and she assigned you little projects so I wouldn't have to hit you."

He chuckled. "I remember it was pretty cold out there checking the oil in her car."

"It was for your own good," Johanna replied lightly. "It was better than you following me around, looking at me like I was a ticking time bomb and driving me a little bit crazy in the midst of contractions which were too far apart to go to the hospital."

"That's true…honestly I was driving myself a little crazy."

She brushed a kiss against his jaw. "It was all worth it though…we got our baby."

"We did," he agreed; "Just like I promised."

"Just like you promised," she murmured.

His arm wrapped around her tightly. "Whatever all this ends up being with Katie and Rick…we'll get through it."

"I know," Johanna replied. "As long as I have you, I can get through anything…I've proved that, haven't I?"

He nodded. "Yeah; you've proved a lot of things the last few years, sweetheart. You've proved that you always come back to me…you've proved your strength, you've proved that you can handle what life delivers."

"Then you know that whatever this is all about, I can handle it…whether it be bad or good. I'll be okay; because I've got you and I know you love me and I love you…and everything else eventually sorts itself out."

Jim smiled, his hand moving against her side. "Alright, Sassy; you've got it under control…but if you need me to step in, I'll be ready."

"I know, honey," she murmured, pressing a kiss to his lips. "I know you've always got my back, no matter what."

"That's a promise I'll always keep," Jim remarked, his lips skimming against her cheek as he held her tightly. He'd just hope that whatever his daughter and son-in-law had in store would be something good this time around.

"Well," Kate said that night once she and her husband were alone in their bedroom; "I didn't get any phone calls about your lunch date…but then again, I didn't get a call the last time and it was a disaster…so I really can't make any assumptions based on a lack of phone call or text."

"It didn't go badly," Castle remarked. "It wasn't what one would call warm and inviting but it wasn't bad."

"Did you really expect warm and inviting?" she asked.

"No, not really," he admitted; "But I would've preferred the café…it felt awkward being there. I couldn't get comfortable…I don't know if it was from being in her house or because she didn't look prepared for battle and usually she does."

"Meaning?"

"She wasn't wearing makeup or shoes."

"She usually doesn't when she's not leaving the house," Kate replied. "Mom likes wearing makeup and she loves her shoes…but putting on her makeup is only a priority when she's going to work or going out to do something. I've known her not to wear makeup to go to the market; so I assure you that it wasn't an intimidation tactic."

He smirked at her. "It's hard to be intimidated by a woman who loses three and a half inches of height every time she takes her shoes off."

"Castle; if she wants to intimidate someone, I can assure you that she can do it barefoot…and you know it; because she does intimidate you sometimes."

"Maybe once in awhile," he relented.

Kate gave him a teasing smile. "Was she mean to you?"

"No," he replied as he leaned back against his pillows. "She told me that she concedes the battle."

Surprise flicked across her face. "Which battle?"

"With me…she said she concedes; that she's not important and I'm not important, but you are…and you matter the most. She seems to have taken it into her head that she's going to end up becoming an issue between us and she can't stand that thought."

"And what did you tell her?"

"I told her she wasn't an issue nor would she be…and that I wouldn't be an issue between you and her."

"I'm glad you were being smarter today," Kate remarked, her fingers curling around his.

"Believe me, I was carefully choosing the words. I told her there was no need to concede."

"And is she still conceding?"

"I guess only time will tell. She did give me a very nice lecture about how I don't 'pick her box' and that I don't get to tell her what kind of woman, mother or future grandmother to be."

"All true," Kate replied. "That's part of the problem between you; you judge her and it leads to you making comments about what kind of person she needs to be…and she doesn't need your help with that. She doesn't need any of us to do it…it's part of why things got so bad between her and I. I kept trying to tell her how to act, how to behave, what to do…she resented it and it was hurtful for her."

"I know," Castle said; "But she needed to be told. She thought she could make the media attention go away by shunning the public. She was hiding…she wasn't being what she needed to be to get the attention to ease, especially for you. You had no choice but to keep after her to do certain things."

"That was our opinion at the time," she remarked; "But looking back, I could've found better ways to do things concerning her…and I regret that I didn't. I think I was punishing her for whatever anger I still had left and I could've permanently obliterated our relationship. I was sure it was over when she temporarily boycotted the wedding…but she came…she always lets me come back, no matter what I do."

"Of course; you're her daughter. She'll never turn you away."

'I wouldn't have blamed her if she had," she said softly.

Castle met her eye. "That's never going to happen."

She gave him a small smile of gratitude that he believed that and then brought them back to the topic. "She got fed up with everyone that first winter…she surprised us all."

"Yeah; she did do that," he remarked.

"She blazed…Grandma always said she could blaze for days on end and she proved her mother right."

"I'd say she's done that a few times; but…"

"But nothing; no one can tell her who to be but her, she's her own person, she always has been. When the time is right, she does what she needs to do but she has to do things in her own way, Castle; and it might not be a way you like and sometimes it's not necessarily a way I like; but she's her own boss, not anyone else."

"I know."

"The more someone tries to make her change, the more stubborn she is about staying the way she is."

"You could've mentioned that sooner," her husband quipped.

Kate smiled. "Took me awhile to remember it myself…after all, I don't like being told what to do anymore than she does and yet I was doing that to her for a good while. I was telling her what to do and you judge her…and things became unbalanced. I feel like I've regained the balance…you were starting to, she was starting to relax around you a little more again and then you made your epic mistake."

'Wow, really? That's what we're calling it?"

Her brow rose. "Do you have a better name for it?"

"Mistake would've sufficed."

His wife shook her head. "Trust me, it was epic."

"Given that your mood swings are unpredictable now, I'll take a page from your mother's playbook and concede that battle."

"Bringing up my mood swings wasn't the best remark you could've made, Castle."

"Yeah," he said with a nod, "I figured that when your eyes started shooting daggers."

"It's your fault I have mood swings."

"Yes…but you didn't mind at the time…in fact you thoroughly enjoyed it."

"That doesn't mean I can't still blame you because I'm sure you started it."

He grinned. "Probably."

"Anyway," Kate replied; "Is your lunch campaign over?"

'No; she's agreed to continue; although she says it's against her better judgment. I also added Thursdays."

"Thursdays too?"

"Yeah; I'm trying to speed this process along."

"How did Mom take this Thursday edition being an every week thing?"

"She reluctant, that's why she said it's on a trial basis."

"Don't blow it, Castle."

"I won't, I promise…I'll get it right this time."

Kate met his eye. "I'm still telling her about the baby next week."

He nodded. "You can call and tell her right now if you want."

"No! I want to do it in person; I want to see her face when I tell her."

"Have you thought up a new plan?"

"No; I think I can stick to the original plan."

"Are you going to tell her before I have lunch with her again?" Castle asked.

"No. When are you going to tell her about the Erica Bradley book series?"

"I'll tell her after you tell her about the baby."

"Why?" Kate asked, a teasing grin tugging at her lips.

"Because then she'll be in a baby haze and it might escape her notice that I mention Erica having her own books."

She laughed. "Do you really think she's going to be that blinded by her promotion to grandmother?"

"I can hope," he replied.

"I don't think she'll be as against the idea as you think, Castle. Just tell her I've read the chapters you submitted with the proposal and that should…ease her mind."

He glanced at her. "That doesn't ease my mind…make sure you sink her deep into that grandma euphoria."

She leaned close and pressed a kiss to his lips. "I'll do my best…don't make her mad at you again next week; I really want her to be completely happy about our news and not upset about something from one of these lunches, okay? I know, I sound terrible saying that but please…just keep it simple and calm…for all of us," she said, taking his hand and laying it against her stomach.

He smiled; for now her stomach was still flat beneath his palm but he was anticipating the day when there would be a bump that would announce their baby to the world. "I promise, next week will go well…for you, for baby Castle, for grandma to be…and if all of you are happy, then I'm assured to be happy and not locked out of my bedroom."

Kate smiled. "Some lessons you have to learn the hard way."

"Yeah; I learned we need a more comfortable couch."

"You're supposed to learn not to do things that land you on it."

"That too," he remarked.

She was quiet for a moment before meeting his gaze once more. "It might be easier for you if she knows about the baby."

"I know…but I was hoping things would be better on my own merit, not just because she'll be grateful that she's getting a grandchild."

"It can still be the way you want it to be; I'm just saying that knowing about the baby might make her more open to moving the process along faster, like you want. It might make her more open, like you want. I might endear you to her a little more, like you want."

"That's a lot of mights with no guarantees."

Kate sighed and turned away, shifting to make herself comfortable. "Give her some credit, would you? She's not the evil queen."

"Please, don't say queen…somehow queens factored into the conversation today and it ended up biting me in the ass a little."

"I thought you said it didn't go badly."

"It didn't…it just had moments; but she agreed to more lunches anyway…so we're counting it as a win."

"Fine," she said, fatigue beginning to gnaw at her; "I'll call her tomorrow and get her side and see just how much you won."

Castle leaned over and kissed her. "Good idea; let me know how I fared on her scale of winning…I usually give myself a few compensation points."

"I'm not even going to ask what compensation points are because I'm too tired to really care."

"I'll explain it tomorrow."

"I'm counting the minutes," she said with a touch of sarcasm. "I hope this tiredness ends soon…I hate feeling tired so much."

"It's a common symptom in the first trimester," Castle replied.

"I know..."

"But?" he asked.

Kate shrugged and said nothing.

"The doctor even said so, you told me that yourself," he stated.

"I know…"

"And yet I'm still sensing a 'but'…do you feel like something is wrong? Do you want to go to the doctor, I know your appointment is next week but I'll take you sooner."

"No; I don't feel like anything is wrong," she murmured; "I just…"

"You just what?"

She sighed once again. "I want a woman's opinion…one who has gone through it."

Castle was quiet for a moment. "You want your mother's opinion."

"Yeah," she admitted softly.

Remorse filled him that he had asked her to keep their news a secret. "I'm sorry, Kate; I shouldn't have asked you to keep it just between us for now. It was selfish."

"I didn't have to agree to it."

"No…but you did, for me…and it wasn't fair to you. Asking you not to tell temporarily took away a piece of your support system that you need right now."

She shifted a little to see him better, her hand finding his once more. "I just…I do want her opinions on it like I said before but at the same time, I'm afraid you'll think I'm taking something away from you; and that's not my intent. You've been supportive in every way…but I get nervous about all of this, and I'm not saying you're not soothing; but…"

"But you need your mother because she has first hand experience."

"I do," she whispered.

"I know, and I understand that need. I don't feel like you're taking anything from me by needing her too, so please don't worry about that. I'm not lying to you when I say I get it, I really do; and no matter what, I think it's good that you're telling her sooner than we planned on because I want you to feel better and I know you will when you can just ask her all the things you want her opinion on."

"I should make a list."

He smiled and brushed her hair back from her face. "I'll help you make the list tomorrow."

Kate smiled. "I love you."

"I love you too…even when you make me sleep on the couch."

"Don't lie to me and do things you shouldn't and you won't have to sleep on the couch."

"Okay, this conversation feels like it could make a turn we don't want so I'm just going to kiss you goodnight and let you go to sleep because you need your rest."

"Smart move," Kate remarked.

"See, I'm learning."

"At least we hope so."

Castle blew out a soft breath; he hoped so too.