Author's Note: Thanks for your reviews; sorry for the delay. I really did intend to get back to this story long before now but the disaster of my Halloween story kind of put me off writing for awhile; which is why I jumped into my Christmas story when the idea came to mind. Thanks for your patience and understanding. Also, there are some elements from the episode Belly of the Beast mentioned in this chapter; I have taken some liberties with the details of that episode so please remember that before typing 'you got it wrong' in the review box.

Chapter 18

The next afternoon, Castle sat in the restaurant waiting on his mother-in-law somewhat impatiently. It was five minutes after twelve; she was late…again. He hated waiting and he couldn't help wondering if she delayed her arrivals purposely just to annoy him. Knowing Johanna, that was highly possible. She probably had to get her kicks somehow as retaliation for making her do this every week. He sighed; for some reason he had thought that the news of her promotion to grandmother might inspire her to be on time today…that somehow things would be different now that she knew their biggest secret. But thinking that the news would make her different somehow meant that his lunch campaign would've been for nothing…after all, he had started it to make things better before the news was revealed because he had wanted to earn that difference on his own merit and not just because he had participated in giving the woman a grandchild.

And yet he had spent the last several hours somewhat convinced that things had changed and would be different now that she knew about the baby. But clearly nothing was different because she was now six minutes late. Castle blew out a breath, so much for a magical transformation, he thought as he reached for his phone. Before he could find her number, he caught sight of Johanna as she walked past the window on her way to the door.

Johanna swept into the restaurant, pulling off her sunglasses as she made her way to the booth where her son-in-law waited.

"Why are you always late?" Castle asked as he met her eye while she shrugged out of her coat.

"I'm not always late," Johanna replied as she sat down.

"Nine times out of ten, you're late," he remarked.

"I'm sorry," she said as glanced at her watch; "But I'm not even a full ten minutes late so I don't really see the problem. Even Jim gives me a ten minute grace period."

"Late is late."

"You didn't have to wait," she replied while putting her sunglasses in her purse. "You could've left at 12:02 if you wanted."

"Why can't you just be on time?" Castle asked.

"If I'm late, it's because something delayed me that I had no control over. I'm here now so relax."

'Why can't you pick up a phone when you're going to be late?" he questioned. "You could at least text."

"I don't text and drive; that's dangerous."

'You text Jim every location you go to."

"Yes; I do…as soon as I've parked the car and turned it off. I'm a responsible driver."

"Except for when you're speeding."

"I don't speed as much as I used to; and besides, I don't have to answer to you. You're not my husband," Johanna remarked.

"Thank God," he muttered.

"I thank God enough for both of us," she responded. "If you didn't feel up to doing this today, you could've just canceled. I would've gone on and finished my errands."

"No; I just get annoyed when I'm waiting on someone who is late."

"Oh my God; what is your problem today?" she asked. "Did you get booted out of the precinct because of a classified case or something?"

"No."

"Is your wife neglecting you?"

"No."

"Is your daughter not telling you every single thing in her life again? Because she doesn't have to at her age."

"No," Castle replied.

"Your mother is driving you crazy?"

"No; my mother-in-law and her chronic lateness."

Johanna smiled. "If I'm always late as you claim, then you should automatically expect me ten minutes past the appointed time…which would mean that I'm on time in the big scheme of things."

"Or you could just show up on time."

Johanna sighed deeply. "I'm sorry, okay? I was in line at a store and the woman who was ahead of the person in front of me, had trouble with her credit card and it took several minutes to resolve before the line could move forward. Next time, I will just drop my items on the floor, race to my car and speed the whole way here so that I will be here on the exact stroke of twelve. Or better yet, I won't run my errands before lunch anymore so you don't have to sit there looking like you're sucking on a lemon."

Castle released a breath. "Did it ever occur to you that when you're late, people worry…given your past history."

"Do you have to bring up my so called 'past history' every time you see me?" she asked. "Christ, I manage to put it behind me and you're always there trying to shove it back in my face like I'm going to forget. Well I haven't forgotten and I know people worry about me, that's why I allow my husband to track my phone. I swear, the next time I'm a second late, I will notify you even if I have to pull over to do it; but seven minutes isn't a big deal. If you're so worried, why didn't you ring my phone?"

"I was about to when I saw you walk by the window."

"If you were really concerned, you would've called after five minutes."

Castle closed his eyes for a moment, trying to dial back the situation that he had admittedly created by jumping her case as soon as she got to the table. "Okay, let's just stop that line of conversation. I'm sorry; you're right, I'm not your husband, you don't have to answer to me about what you were doing that delayed you…but I would appreciate notice if you are running behind because people do worry. I don't want to have to call Kate and tell her that I don't know where you are because you didn't show up. I'm sure that would bring back bad memories for her and that's the last thing she needs at this moment, don't you think."

Johanna shook her head. "You just did it again."

"It's hard not to bring up your past, Johanna."

"No, actually it isn't…I get through many occasions without people bringing up my past. It always seems to be you who does it. You talk about me not getting past things…seems like you can't get past a few yourself."

"I thought we were stopping this conversation," Castle said.

"By all means."

The waiter appeared at their table and took their order, promising to be back with the drinks in a minute.

"So," Castle said as the silence stretched out between them.

"So?"

He breathed deeply and smiled. "You're going to be a grandmother."

Johanna smiled. "I am. Are you ready for your second trip through fatherhood."

"No sweat," he replied. "I'm prepared."

Johanna laughed. "Honey, do you realize how long it's been since you've had to take care of a newborn? I mean of course you don't forget things you've learned but its been awhile and you're older now. You might want to be prepared to be more tired than you remember."

"I'm not worried."

"Yeah; I'll check back with you on that around the six week mark after the baby is here…and don't worry; I'll take the baby home with me so you and Katie can take a nap."

"It's good to know that you've got plans."

"Yeah; you can also plan on me laughing and saying I told you so as I buckle the baby into her carseat."

"We don't know it's a girl, Johanna."

"It's a girl," she said with confidence.

"What makes you so sure?"

"I'm the grandmother, I know these things."

"I guess we'll see," he said lightly.

"I guess we will. You're probably hoping for a boy though since you already have a girl."

"I'm fine with either," he replied.

"I know you'll be fine with either; but men usually want sons."

"Did Jim want a son?"

"Oh he was sure Katie was a boy…or at least he tried to convince himself during the whole pregnancy."

"Was he disappointed?"

"God no," she laughed. "He was wrapped around her finger as soon as he laid eyes on her."

"Why didn't you have more children?" Castle asked.

Johanna shrugged. "I guess it just wasn't in the cards for us. We didn't do anything to prevent another pregnancy after Katie was a few years old but it just didn't happen. I felt complete though once we had Katie…and according to my husband, he was happy with just one and I believe that. Even before we got married he told me two was his limit."

"Even though you were content with just one; do you ever wish there had been another one?"

"Yes; but that's usually when my daughter is unhappy with me and ignoring my calls."

"I see," he replied as their drinks arrived along with the promise that their meals would be ready soon.

"Jim and I will be happy to accept any number of grandchildren though," Johanna remarked.

"We'll keep that in mind. Thank you for recording the heartbeat at Kate's appointment; I did appreciate that."

"You're welcome; thank you for allowing me to go to her appointment since you were unable."

"No problem."

"So," Johanna said; "Since I know your big secret does that mean this lunch thing can end now?"

"No; we still have work to do, don't you think?"

"No, I think you could've saved yourself a lot of money and just let Katie call me as soon as the lines appeared on the stick."

He smiled. "Somehow I knew I wasn't going to get off the hook for the 'don't tell your mother yet' thing."

"Yeah," Johanna said with a smile of her own. "Don't do that again."

"I had good intentions."

"I'll always be happier with the good news than being made a project, Rick."

"I just wanted to make things better before you found out that way it would be a natural thing and not a baby induced thing."

"Rick; it's no secret that sometimes babies settle things in a family. My mother-in-law hated me…and then I gave her a granddaughter and things settled for the most part. Liz and I had many happy moments together once Katie was in our lives. We still had our battles at times; but for the most part, Katie kept things calm between us. My father and I didn't get along all that well as you know…but once Katie was born, things settled…there wasn't as much blatant discord; and what discord we did have was more muted and kept away from her…but she was common ground for us. He loved her to pieces and wanted to be in her life and I wanted him to be in her life so we learned to keep our differences at a minimum for her sake."

"I understand that babies can unify a family…but I just feel like it's better if things are worked out before a baby arrives…because if you wait until after, it seems like the people involved are only doing it because they want to be involved in the baby's life…and not necessarily the lives of the people they have discord with."

"That's not true," Johanna replied. "Just because my father and I didn't get along doesn't mean that he wasn't involved in my life before Katie was born because he was. He demanded to meet my fiancé, questioned him like he was on trial and deemed him good enough for me. He paid for my education, encouraged me to pursue the law; he paid for my wedding and gave me no restrictions. He walked me down the aisle, gave me away and indulged in my need to prolong the father daughter dance by having them play the song twice. When I was in labor, he was in the waiting room with my mother and didn't leave until he had gotten a look at Katie through the nursery window and had been assured that I was fine and had no complications. He then came back later that day, by himself, when he was supposed to be at work, to check on me and see his granddaughter."

'There are exceptions of course," Castle replied. "But I think we still have work to do…I don't want to go through life thinking you're only being nice to me so you can have continued access to your grandchildren."

Johanna rolled her eyes. "Believe me, Rick; if I have a big enough problem with you, I'll let you know regardless of our family situation."

"Yeah; I don't really doubt that…but I don't want to feel like there's an air of fakeness just because there's a baby you want to see whenever you want."

She sighed. "I'm not really capable of the level of fakeness that you seem to think I am…I mean if I was that capable, we probably wouldn't be sitting here. We'd go on as if a cross word had never been between us. I know the secret, I'm willing to let bygones be bygones and move on."

"We need to continue this," Castle remarked. "We still have topics on my list."

"Can't we forget about that list? Let's talk about the baby. Did Katie tell you she picked out a bassinet? I put a deposit down on it; it's adorable."

"Yes, she told me."

"Don't tell her I told you this, but she wants those baby monitors that have a little camera so you can see the baby. She's already worrying about it being upstairs while she's downstairs. I know she probably hasn't mentioned it to you yet, but maybe you could go ahead and start looking into that kind and see what's available."

"I will definitely do that; I'll get her the best one there is and I won't mention that you said a word about it."

"Good; pregnant women are sensitive, she might get upset that I said anything about it."

"Yeah; I've met her new sensitivities."

"I'm sure you have; but that kind of baby monitor will put her mind at ease some."

"I think she's mainly looking for you to put her mind at ease," Castle replied. "I've heard a lot of 'I want to discuss it with my mother' the last few weeks."

Johanna hesitated, wondering if that was going to cause additional issues with her son-in-law. "Is that going to be a problem for you?" she asked; "Because honestly, it's nothing against you; all women want their mothers when they're pregnant. They want their husbands too of course, but husbands don't have the first hand accounts of pregnancy that mothers do."

Castle shook his head. "No; it's not going to be a problem. I'm glad she has you and that she can take her concerns to you for that first hand account. You're right about that, you know about pregnancy in a way I don't."

"It doesn't mean that she doesn't value you or your opinions any less," Johanna stated. "Women just need the counsel of other women at times; especially if that woman is her mother."

"I know; it's fine. Please don't worry about it, I want you to be there for her as much as needs you to be."

She nodded. "Okay; and next time there's a pregnancy, you won't tell her not to tell me."

He smiled. "Did you tell your mother right away?"

"My mother was with me when I got the results, she knew before Jim."

"How did Jim feel about that?"

"It didn't bother him; I told him the same day. He was too happy to care that my mother had heard the news a few hours before him."

"How did your mother-in-law take it?"

"That's a different story."

"She took it bad?"

"Well…I found out I was pregnant a few weeks before her birthday and so Jim wanted to wait and tell her on her birthday and make it special for her…but Lizzie wasn't one to be fooled for long and she figured it out before her birthday and threw fits. It wasn't the moment we hoped to give her and Jim was really disappointed to be robbed of that."

The waiter arrived and put their meals on the table in front of them and then left them alone once more. Castle watched as Johanna picked up her spoon and began to stir her soup in effort to cool it faster. He wanted to move on to the next topic on his list and he felt like the time had come now that their lunch was on the table.

"Shall we move on to our next topic on my list?" he asked.

Johanna's nose wrinkled. "Why can't we just keep talking like we were?"

"Because we have other things to talk about and clear up."

She sighed. "And what's on your mind today?"

"I…I think it's time we talk about that incident at the hospital," Castle stated.

Johanna tensed, her spoon pausing, the soup sloshing around it in the bowl. "No."

"We have to talk about it."

Her gaze met his. "No, we don't. Leave it in the past where it belongs."

"I don't think we can let it there if we don't put it to rest," he said gently.

"It's been put to rest," Johanna remarked. "It happened and we've moved on."

"Have we?" he questioned.

"Yes…if we hadn't moved on, I wouldn't be sitting here; now would I?" she asked.

Castle nodded. "Yeah; you would be…for Kate."

"I do have my limits of what I'll do for her," she replied as she resumed stirring her soup.

"You say that but we haven't found them yet," he quipped.

Her green eyes narrowed slightly. "You sometimes stumble very close to them."

Castle figured that was probably true but he'd take the risk. "I really do think we need to discuss the hospital incident."

"Why?" she asked, a touch of bitterness in her tone. "Can't you just let me enjoy being a grandmother?"

"Technically you're still a grandmother in waiting…it's just not as long of a wait as you had thought it would be."

She rolled her eyes. "Fine, allow me to enjoy my waiting, please."

"But while you wait; we could cross more things off my list," Castle stated. "I really want to cross that one off."

"So cross it off and leave it where it belongs; in the past. I don't want to rehash it, Rick."

"I think I need to rehash it…I want to clear the air; you are the one who mentioned it at our first meeting, I believe."

"So I mentioned it; what's your point?"

"My point is that it's something that could come up again if it's not properly dealt with."

"Rick; you apologized and I accepted. Let's leave it at that and discuss baby names or paint colors for a nursery."

"Too early for names and paint colors," he replied.

Johanna raked a hand through her hair, wishing she was still at Macy's as she had been before lunch. "Why do you have to do this?"

"Do what?" Castle asked.

"Pick at things that I don't want picked at. Why do you want to rip the scab off and make it bleed again?" Johanna asked.

"Because sometimes it doesn't heal right unless you reopen the wound and disinfect it," he remarked.

"My wound has healed just fine; if yours needs reopened, perhaps you need to talk to a therapist about it; they're good at wanting to pick things open."

"I think a therapist would feel that it was an issue I needed to discuss with you since it involved you. We can't just pretend it didn't happen…especially when it's on my list because you're the one who mentioned it."

"Fine, Rick," she said sharply, yanking her spoon from her bowl and dropping it to the table. "Do it. Say what you have to say about it and get it over with, okay? I already accepted two apologies from you over it, but by all means, let's do it all again…instead of discussing something better, like my grandchild."

Castle studied her as she leaned back against the booth, her back straight and her arms crossed. She'd rather talk about babies…names and paint colors, furniture, onesies with cute sayings. She wanted to stay firmly in her bubble of impending grandmother-hood. But he wanted this item crossed off the list. "I know I've apologized before for the incident; but you said you didn't believe the first apology."

"I didn't. I was more accepting of the more recent second one," Johanna remarked; "And to save you time, I accept your third one in advance."

He smiled, feeling his patience already beginning to stretch as she tried to defy the agenda he'd had in mind for their lunch. "Kate wasn't supposed to be working on that case," he remarked. "She wasn't even supposed to be on duty that day…but they called her in."

"I know."

"They needed a woman who was fluent in Russian…and she was the only name that came up."

"I find it hard to believe that in the state of New York she was the only female officer with a background in Russian," Johanna remarked. "I just really find it hard to swallow…and I wish my daughter had too. As a side note, I don't know why the hell she ever wanted to learn Russian anyway. I told her to take Italian and keep up with the language of her ancestors, but no, she had to take Russian for reasons that I still haven't figured out."

"Well…I guess it came in handy when she did a semester abroad in college."

"She could've done a semester in Italy."

"Well that's neither here nor there; she took Russian…from what I hear, because she wanted to take a language that isn't as popular," Castle remarked; "But they asked her to go undercover for this case…Gates said she didn't have to but she went…"

"Yes, I know…and I hope that now that she's going to be a mother, that the thought of her child will curb her willingness to volunteer," Johanna replied.

"You and me both," he admitted quietly.

"We'll hope there aren't any other opportunities for her to volunteer in the future."

"Yeah; we'll hope," Castle agreed; "But, uh, on this case, she ran into Vulcan Simmons."

"I know what happened, Rick. I really don't need a summary."

He ignored her remark. "This wasn't the first run in she had with him…she ran across him while investigating your case."

"I didn't know at the time of the incident that she had run into him previously," Johanna said, her tone tense.

"I know…I don't know why she didn't mention it; maybe because it didn't seem to matter as he wasn't the person who put out a hit on you like she had thought…given that he wasn't a fan of you."

"I'm aware that he wasn't a fan…I wasn't a fan of his either."

"What made you take up that project of trying to clean up Washington Heights?" Castle asked. "Why did you get involved?"

Johanna glanced away, her gaze on the window and the scenery outside. "I lost a student," she said quietly. "A student who happened to be the child of a colleague."

His brow furrowed. "I don't think I'm following."

"My student, Joel Philips…he had a lot of potential," she remarked, a soft, sad smile on her lips; "But he just couldn't get away from the drugs. He had a brilliant mind…a wonderful sense of humor, a loving heart. But he just couldn't get away from it no matter how hard he tried. He lived in Washington Heights…and he died there…from an overdose. Everyone talked about how bad it was; how kids were being lost to it…so my colleagues and I decided that we would try to take back that neighborhood with various ideas and methods. Mr. Simmons wasn't a fan of course…hurt his business a little bit. We did a lot of projects and activities in the neighborhood…I ran into him once, he told me that rich bitches live longer if they mind their own business. Jim was with me that day, heard what he said…and he asked me to back off because he was worried. I did as he asked; I backed off and went back to more behind the scenes type of things for the campaign, organizing the fundraising and doing the legal work. I never heard from him again."

"But Kate found him while investigating your case…he remembered you…even called you a rich bitch in that conversation."

"So I've heard," Johanna replied. "Katie told me about it after this incident of hers."

Castle nodded. "When Kate was found, she was hurt; she had been water boarded and she had been beaten badly."

"I know," Johanna stated for what felt like the millionth time since the conversation had began. "I was there when Jim got the call; we got to the hospital as quickly as we could."

"I know you did…but she didn't tell anyone to contact her parents. She was conscious and I was there."

"Yes, well, apparently Captain Gates felt we had a right to know…and you weren't her husband at the time. Protocol is to contact the next of kin when there's an injury that results in hospitalization…until she said I do, we were her next of kin and the captain had every right to contact us."

She was becoming defensive, Castle thought; they were nearing the sore point of the topic and she was going to be as prickly as possible about it. "Yes, I know that you had a right to know, but Kate didn't want the two of you to see her like that."

Johanna shifted in her seat. "And I didn't see her…I was denied entry to her room…on your command."

"It's what she wanted."

"Then it should've been her telling the staff; not you. You weren't her husband, you had no right to call the shots but they didn't hesitate to jump and do your bidding. They didn't even bother to go in and verify with her that it was her wish and not yours. They just took your word for it."

"Well…I was her fiancé at the time and we are known…the probably figured my word held merit."

"It didn't hold much merit with me at that moment. Jim was allowed in."

He nodded. "It was mainly you that she didn't want to see…because she knew you would take the sight of bruises and the injuries badly. She wasn't up to dealing with you and your reactions.'

"But you didn't relay the message that way," Johanna stated. "You started on me the second you saw me. You implied that she didn't want to see me because she was blaming me for what happened because it was Simmons that she had run into on this case."

Castle breathed deeply. "I was upset. I was the one who was blaming you."

"I got the memo…although I did notice that you waited until my husband was in the room with Katie before you unleashed your full train of thought," she replied. "You didn't have the guts to say it in front of Jim."

"No; I didn't say it in front of Jim because he had gone into the room and you were still bothered by the fact that you couldn't go in…so I told you why I felt it was best that Kate's wish be carried out."

"No; you told me your personal opinions," she stated. "You told me that every bad thing in her life was my fault."

"I said it because it does seem like the bad things cycle back to you. The bad decisions you've made seem to come back to haunt her. You took Pulgotti's case, got mixed up in that mess of dirty cops and politicians and the F.B.I. has to fake your death and put you in hiding. Kate pursued it, wanting justice for you, which put her on the radar of your enemy…who sent people after her, shot her…then you come home, and the enemy comes again; you're both threatened, she was in a car accident because of it, you were both shot at; her apartment was shot to hell and back. Back in the day; you piss off Vulcan Simmons with your campaign to clean up a neighborhood, which was noble and I understand that you lost a student and that affected you…but once again, that came back on Kate because she connected him to you, she went after him so then she was on his radar too."

Johanna's stomach twisted and the smell of her untouched lunch suddenly made her feel nauseous. "I'm aware of the connections," she stated, her voice trembling. "But Katie made her decisions, not me."

"But she made them because of you…and that's all I was thinking about. Your choices and bad decisions come back to haunt her."

She scoffed even as she began to twist a napkin into pieces. "You don't think I'm haunted? I live every day with the knowledge of my bad decisions and what they've caused the people I love…but Katie bears some of her own responsibility. She's the one who made the choice to chase it…with your encouragement."

"I encouraged her because I wanted her to have closure so she could move on with her life," Castle replied. "She wouldn't allow herself to move on without the truth about your case."

'Well now she knows, it's been settled and we're all moving on to a better part of life together. So drop this subject now."

"I can't do that, Johanna."

"Why?" she asked; her eyes stinging; "Because you get some sort of sick satisfaction out of tormenting me with things I already know? Things I've struggled to get past so I can move on and have happiness in my life again. Are you really so afraid that I'm going to go unpunished that you have to keep doing this to me? Do you hate me that much?"

"I don't hate you," he replied. "I'm not trying to punish you. I'm trying to clear up things that have happened."

"Why can't we just talk about the baby?"

"There's not much to talk about in that area, Johanna. Kate's not even showing yet."

"She will be soon; I could tell her stomach isn't as flat as it usually is. I can think of a hundred different things to talk about in regard to the baby. Names, nicknames, outfits, nursery ideas, babysitting; I could go on and on."

"Not today," Castle said. "Let's finish the topic at hand."

She swallowed hard; she didn't want to finish it. She already felt the blackness and the heaviness of those days sweeping in, suffocating her. "I don't need to rehash this; it took me long enough to get past it when it happened…I forgave you for what you said, so let it go. Please."

"I don't think you forgave it…how could you? It was cruel."

"So is this."

"We're just clearing the air, Johanna."

Spoken like someone who hadn't dealt with bouts of depression and anxiety. There was no clearing the air when it came to things that could bring back that black cloud. Once those things had been worked out and gotten past, she needed them to stay in the box she put them in and her son-in-law just didn't grasp that concept.

"We already cleared it. I believe you're sorry, I forgive you, okay? And I'm sorry that I'm the cause of bad things in my daughter's life; it's not an easy thing to live with. It's not easy to know that you're a danger to your own child after you spent the first nineteen years of her life doing everything in your power to keep her safe, warm, loved, and everything else under the sun. It's not easy to shake that feeling even after the danger is gone…especially when someone stands in front of you and says that you should make a list of your enemies so they can be watching for them…I'm afraid I haven't made you that list yet, Rick; because I'm not all that sure who all should be on it."

"Is it really that long of a list?"

"I don't know," she replied, her tone trembling. "I was a lawyer for twenty-five years; I've angered plenty of people. I've angered clients whose cases I lost. The cases I won, I'm sure the people on the other side were angry. There were people I had to take apart on the witness stand. Men I rejected. There were colleagues who didn't like me...my sister…Jim's sister; two of his brothers…former friends. It's hard to say who could be a possible enemy. It could be a long list when you get down to it."

"That's comforting," he muttered.

The idea didn't make her feel all the great either, Johanna thought to herself as her stomach churned. Sure the main menace in her life was gone and she had so far been going on about her life unbothered by anyone else from the past…but that didn't mean that someone couldn't pop up. Someone who had a grudge could see her on the street and be inspired to take revenge for something she didn't even remember doing, figuring she had cheated fate once and wouldn't be so lucky a second time. The sense of safety she had been building up over time suddenly felt shaky and the thought of her grandchild entered her mind. Was she a danger to that innocent baby? She was glad she hadn't taken a bite of her lunch because the thought of bringing danger to her grandchild made her stomach want to rebel.

"You know," she said quietly as she pushed her bowl away; "You think that it's bad for me to be distant…but maybe it's a good thing. Maybe you're all safer if I am at a distance. There haven't been any threats but that doesn't mean there can't be one day. I don't know who all hates me; like I said, it's probably a long list. I'm not a very likeable person I guess."

"That's not true, Johanna," Castle said, gentling his tone as he noticed that her face had paled a little.

"It is," she whispered. "You're better off with me being distant…because I don't know what could happen at any given time. I don't know when some past grudge can come back to haunt me. A long list of enemies wasn't something I set out for in life. I wasn't a crooked lawyer, I believed in what I was doing and I didn't cheat anyone…and yet I'm the one it all backfired on."

"No, distance isn't best," Castle said with a shake of his head. "I should've never said those things that day. I said more than we've mentioned so far, but I shouldn't have said any of it. The danger that was in your life has been dealt with. It's not likely that any past grudge is going to rise to that level or even come back."

Johanna was silent; replaying that day in the hospital hallway in her mind, hearing her then future son-in-law tell her that she was the worst kind of parent; that she apparently only thought of herself and never of the consequences for anything she had done. He asked how many times Kate would have to pay for the sins of her mother…and she hadn't had an answer; just a crushing sense of self loathing and the feeling that her child had been better off without her and that it would probably be best for all involved if she cut ties and let her daughter go live her life in peace. They hadn't been on good terms when the incident happened…being denied access to her in the hospital had only driven home the point that she was unwelcome in her life. The blame, the guilt, the regrets, the hurt, the memories, it had all converged and sent her tumbling into a black hole that had been difficult to crawl out of….but she had crawled out of it, because Jim had dragged her every step of the way…and after three weeks of avoiding their daughter, he forced her into the same room with her and put an end to it.

"Johanna," Castle said, his hand tapping hers.

She flinched, jerking her hand away from him. "I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"I said the danger wasn't coming back; which I think you heard but then I seemed to lose you."

"I don't want to talk about this anymore," she murmured.

"I know you don't want to talk about it; but we haven't cleared up anything."

"What is there to clear up?" she asked. "It's how you felt in that moment. You said you were sorry and I've accepted it and now I'd like to forget it ever happened."

He sighed a little; she was always so difficult. "You've never said how it made you feel."

"I think you know how I felt; I started crying and walked away from you…but I guess since you want an in depth analysis, I'll tell you that I felt like the scum of the earth. I felt like the worst mother in history. I felt like my daughter had been better off without me in her life. I felt angry. I wanted to scream. I wanted to ask you who the hell you thought you were. I wanted to remind you that you're not a saint and you have no right to judge me when you haven't walked in my shoes; and yes, for that moment in time, I hated you. But I got over it; I forgave and I put it behind me…and I need it to stay behind me. So I don't want to hear about it again after today; and if that makes me an uncooperative bitch, I guess that's just how it'll have to be…because I know what's best for me."

"I don't think it's best to keep things bottled up," Castle replied.

"I don't keep it bottled up," she said tensely. "I go through it in every way imaginable; I go through the anger and the mourning and the regret and the what ifs. I go through the depression and every mood between that and normalcy…and then when I've gone through it enough, and my husband has talked it all out with me, I make my peace and I put it away. Please let it in the box I put it in…if you have an ounce of respect for me, you'll do that for me. Can you do that one thing for me?"

"I'll feel like we didn't accomplish anything on the topic," he stated.

"Maybe this is one of those times when you just have to take one for the team, Rick. I could've made a bigger deal out of you costing me the sliver of relationship I had with my sister; but I forgave after a short amount of time and put it behind me. You could do that for me just once, don't you think?"

This one did feel like a losing battle, Castle thought to himself. He had hoped to somehow have more resolution on the topic but it didn't seem to be possible. Johanna was set against this one…and maybe this time he did have to respect her wishes even if he did want to keep pushing to hash it all out. But she was asking this time…with the word 'respect' attached to the request and maybe if he showed her that he could respect her wishes once in awhile, it would go further than any rehashing of the topic he had chosen.

"Alright," he said with a nod. "We'll let this one go."

"Thank you," she murmured.

He could see some of the tension ease from her body as she fell silent. "You should eat your lunch," he encouraged.

Her nose wrinkled. "I'm not hungry…I should get going anyway; I need to drop off something to Jim that he needs for later today."

She was lying, Castle thought, she didn't have to drop anything off, she just wanted to escape…but he disregarded the notion of trying to talk her out of it. "Okay; I'll pay the check and walk you to your car."

She stayed quiet as he paid for the check and assured Fredrick that nothing had been wrong with his mother-in-law's order, that she just wasn't feeling all that well today. The quietness lingered as he walked her to her car and held her door as she got in as fastened her seatbelt. "See you Thursday?" he asked.

Johanna sighed a little. "Rick; I know the secret that was the reason for all this."

"Yeah; but that doesn't mean we should quit…and besides, maybe there's more to it than just the baby."

"I was at the sonogram, there's only one baby in there so no chance of twins and I don't know what else there could be."

"I guess you better keep showing up to find out," he remarked; knowing that sooner or later he was going to have to tell her about the Erica Bradley series. "Maybe we'll have better topics for Thursday."

"Fine, Rick," she said as she started the car up before reaching over to the passenger seat and picked up a small white gift bag. "Here, this is for you."

"You got me a gift?" he asked as he accepted the bag.

"It was just something I thought you might like," Johanna said as she reached for her door. "See you later."

Castle said goodbye, allowing her to close her door as she clearly wasn't going to stick around to watch him open whatever it was she had gotten him. He gave her a small wave as she pulled out into traffic and then he headed for his own car, curiosity gnawing at him. He pulled his keys from his pocket and unlocked his door, settling into the driver's seat and then shutting the door. He couldn't wait a second long and opened the bag, pulling out a newborn sized onesie that had the words 'Future Bestselling Author' printed above a small stack of books and a quill pen and inkwell.

A smile tugged at his lips along with a sense of regret. He had a feeling he was holding the reason that she had been late to lunch…and he had a feeling that if he hadn't started on his tirade about her lateness, he would've seen her in the midst of her grandma euphoria…and maybe that would've made him think twice about dimming her light with his choice of topic for the day.

Castle blew out a breath as he put the onesie back in the bag; feeling like he had blown the good intentions she had probably originally planned to show up with…and he had sent her home with a mood that was far from the baby bubble of happiness she had most likely been living in since the moment she had gotten the news. He was going to have to make Thursday better, there wasn't any doubt about that.

"When are they going to paint your name on the door and make it official?"

Jim's head jerked upwards at the sound of his wife's voice and he turned toward the door and found her standing there. A smile crossed his lips. "Hey, Sassy; what are you doing here?"

Johanna shrugged as she moved into the office. "I didn't feel like going home yet…I…I just wanted to see you for a minute I guess. Are you too busy for a short visit?"

"You know I'm never too busy for you," he said, beckoning her closer.

She made her way to him, accepting his kiss before she perched on the edge of his desk. "You didn't answer my question; when are they putting your name on the door?"

"They're not," Jim laughed. "I'm just using the space because it's available. I don't always like using one of the conference rooms."

"Uh huh," she teased. "I guess that's why when I saw Antonio downstairs and asked where you were, he said "he's in his office" and I said which office? And he told me the one I'm accustomed to finding you in…and that's exactly where I found you; in your old office."

He smiled sheepishly. "Okay; I work here enough that they said I can have my office while it's not being used…and they're not looking to fill any positions right now so basically it's mine for the foreseeable future. They're not going to put the name back on though."

Johanna laughed softly. "I knew it was yours."

"Well…it's a little like home…we have a few fond memories in here," he said, his hand falling against her leg in a caress.

"Don't even get started," she said, shaking her head even as a smile lingered on her lips.

"Why not?" her husband teased. "I thought you needed some consoling about being a grandmother…you know, proof that you're not old just because you're getting a grandchild; remember we had that discussion early this morning when the word grandmother sunk in. You needed proof and consoling, sweetheart."

"I'm pretty sure we proved it sufficiently this morning," she said with a grin.

"You might need more proof."

Johanna smiled, her fingers caressing the line of his jaw. "I think I can wait until later…in the comfort of our own home…after business hours."

"You always were big on 'after business hours'," he quipped.

She smiled but her thoughts were weighing heavily on her; that dark cloud floating over her, hovering and waiting to descend upon her.

Jim's hand settled on her knee, reading her features and determining that there was something out of sorts. "What's wrong, sweetheart? What happened at lunch?"

Johanna shrugged slightly. "Just picking at wounds I'd rather leave alone."

"Which one this time?"

"The hospital incident when Katie was hurt…you know, the 'everything that's bad in her life is your fault' speech."

"It's not," Jim stated, his hand tightening around her knee. "It's not your fault that Katie took on an undercover job that she wasn't obligated to do. It's not your fault that she ran into that creep. You didn't put Simmons in her path; she found him all on her own when she was investigating your case."

"Yeah…my case…me…"

"Jo; the only connection you had to that piece of scum was that you were doing charity work in his neighborhood where he wanted as many people addicted to his drugs as possible. Yes, you ran in to him once and he made remarks I didn't like. I asked you to back off and you did, you went back behind the scenes, organizing and doing the legal work and you never heard from him again; nor was his name mentioned in any of your papers or in connection to any case you handled. Katie found him on her own and tried to connect him to your case. That was her, not you. That undercover assignment that put her in that room with him was her, not you…and you know that; because we've been over it many times and you know that it was not your fault in any way."

She felt her throat growing tight as she glanced up at the ceiling for a moment. "The logical part of me knows that," she admitted. "But ever since this topic came up and he wouldn't let me out of discussing it…I could just feel that dark cloud sweeping in…and I don't want it hanging over me again. I don't want to spend the next few days under that cloud. I don't like that place."

That was why she had come to him at work, Jim thought to himself as he carefully chose his words. "I won't let that cloud get you," he promised.

"Every time I think I'm away from it; someone or something has to send it sailing back across my sky," Johanna remarked quietly.

"Dark clouds float across the sky," her husband replied; "But they don't always bring rain."

She smiled a little. "I just had to come see you…I just didn't want to wait until you got home…because I was afraid it would be a downpour by then."

"I'm glad you came so we can make it go away," Jim stated. "What was said about the incident?"

"The usual apologies…followed by somewhat backhanded remarks; like 'well you have to admit, the bad things she's gone through, do seem to cycle back to you'. I think there were also remarks about my bad decisions always coming back to haunt her…and I'm sitting there feeling like it's true although I didn't tell her to chase my case. I didn't make that decision, she did."

"That's right, she did; and she has to carry her portion of responsibility…and so does Rick, because he was there encouraging her."

"That was so she could have closure and move on with her life; that's what he told me today."

"No; I think it's because Rick wanted to help close it so he could be her hero and win her…he didn't realize that he had already won, he just needed to be patient. I worried constantly about her following it and the only thing that made all that worry worth it is that you ended up coming home to us and now it's all over."

"Yeah; that's over…and Vulcan Simmons is dead after that raid when they went looking for Katie…but you know that night at the hospital, Rick made that statement that maybe I should make a list of my enemies for him so he could be on the look out for them to keep Katie safe from them…and I can't help thinking that I probably do have more enemies out there somewhere."

"Who doesn't?" Jim asked. "We all have enemies. I know I have enemies that I made over the course of my career; just as you do…and so does every other person in the legal field."

"I know that's true," she said softly; "But I was sitting there thinking about it all over again and then thinking about my grandchild and the thought came to mind, am I a danger to her? Does having me in her life put her in danger? Would she be safer if I kept my distance?"

Jim patted her leg. "Come here."

Johanna moved off the desk and onto his lap to be closer as he wanted. He wrapped one arm around her as his free hand took one of her hands and held it tightly. "Our grandchild is not endangered by having you in his or her life…our grandchild will be enriched by having you in its life. The danger you were in has been eliminated and it's not coming back. Yes, you made enemies during your career, just as I have…but there's no danger. This won't make you feel any better to hear, but it's the truth and I'm going to say it anyway; I'm certain that Katie has more enemies than both of us combined. She's a cop; she's pissed off more people than we have being lawyers. I'm sure Rick has enemies too…and if, God forbid, danger would ever come, chances are it's going to come from their world; not yours."

"You're right, it doesn't make me feel any better."

He squeezed her hand in response. "It doesn't make me feel good either; but you know it's true, don't you?"

Johanna nodded. 'Yeah; I guess so…I just don't like to think of what her list of enemies looks like."

"Neither do I; but she has one…everyone does. You're not a danger to anyone…and you're not going to distance yourself from our grandchild because of an irrational fear that someone unleashed in your head because they can't leave the past where it belongs. You've been looking forward to this stage of our lives, don't let thoughts like that take away your excitement. Don't let it inspire you to put a wall between yourself and this baby that I know you already love as much as you love our own child. You told me how when you were in Wyoming, you'd think about missing out on your grandchildren…but you're home now and you're not going to miss out. You're going to be there, just like you promised Katie you would be. Don't waste another minute thinking that you're a danger or that the baby would be better off being at a distance from you, because that's not true at all, okay?"

"It was hard not to think about it while this conversation was taking place," she said softly. "I'm always going to feel like I have Katie's blood on my hands…I don't want to have…"

"No," Jim said cutting her off. "You're hands are clean and nothing like that is going to happen. You have nothing to fear. The bad things that have happened have been settled. There's no threat to you and no threat to the baby; put that thought out of your mind. When there's a topic that you're very uncomfortable with, like this one, you need to stick to your guns and tell Rick that you're not dragging it out of the past and rehashing it. You're allowed to say no and you don't have to be pushed into something that you know is going to drag you down. I know you're still going through this lunch thing for Katie's sake but I also know that some part of you probably thinks if you don't go along with things, that you won't get to see the baby; but Katie's not going to let that happen, so don't be afraid to say no."

Johanna breathed deeply. "It's been hard for me to put some things in the past and let go of them…you know I've always had a hard time with that."

Jim nodded. "I know…but I also know that you get there in your own time and way. You've learned to deal with the time you were away and everything that came with coming home. You've learned to put it behind you and you've been doing well with that. You've come a long way, sweetheart; and I'm proud of you for it."

"Insisting on this topic when all I wanted to do was talk about babies…it just threw everything off balance it felt like," she remarked quietly. "I was happy and safe and thinking about a baby…and then all of those dark, terrible feelings had to come back and dim the light. "It took me awhile to get past that incident when it first happened."

"I know," he replied. "It knocked the wind out of you but we got past it."

She nodded. "I wanted it left where it was."

"Put it back where it was," Jim told her; "And don't let anyone pull it out again unless it's something you want. You know it's not your fault that Katie got hurt. You know that the only person responsible for Katie's actions and decisions is Katie. There was nothing that you could do to prevent her from getting hurt that day. We didn't know anything about her taking an undercover assignment. We didn't know she'd run into an enemy that she made while investigating your case…and I have a feeling that even if she had never crossed Simmons's path before, the outcome would've been the same…because in my opinion, Katie is too well known for undercover missions."

"I've had that thought myself," Johanna admitted. "She is known and it's not a good idea for her to be in those roles. She's been a cop for over a decade; worked hundreds of cases that have brought her into contact with any number of people involved in various crime syndicates. She's worked high profile cases; she makes the news for those cases. She makes the news for being Nikki Heat. She's in the news for her marriage to Rick. She's not likely to be forgotten…and it's always possible that she's going to be recognized…so in my opinion, selecting her for that mission, regardless of the fact that she spoke the language needed was stupid…and the NYPD has to share the blame for her getting hurt on a mission she should've never been on."

Jim smiled as he squeezed her hand. "I rest my case."

She leaned her forehead against his. "You always know how to get me back where I need to be."

He patted her hip. "All it takes is laying out a subtle case and making you think like a lawyer."

"I love you," she murmured before brushing a kiss against his lips.

"I love you too…and I think you should go buy a new dress."

Her brow furrowed. "What for?"

"So we can go out to dinner tonight as a little celebration for our impending grandparent-hood," Jim replied. "I'll take you somewhere nice."

"You always take me to nice places."

"Okay, I'll take you to one of the nice places you can dress up for," he told her. "Get a dress…and shoes too."

She grinned. "Shoes too?"

"Yes," he laughed; "I wouldn't deprive you of that joy; and just for the record, I know they will not be grandmotherly in any way."

"You're damn straight they won't be; God, don't even put that thought of ugly shoes in my mind," she said with a shudder.

Jim laughed. "Never, sweetheart. Only the best, most fashionable shoes for you."

Her brow rose. "Oh yeah? Does my promotion to grandmother mean I can have a pair of Louboutins?"

"No," he chuckled. "I love you; but I'm not paying six hundred dollars for a pair of shoes."

Johanna laughed. "Not even for a special occasion like this?"

"Not happening, sweetheart. If I'm going to spend that kind of money, it'll be on jewelry."

"I'll have a pair one day; I watch for clearance sales…I'll get some, you watch and see."

"I hope it's coming out of your paycheck," he teased.

"You know it would," she laughed.

"So…does this discussion of shoe shopping mean you're on board with going out tonight?"

Johanna smiled. "I'm always on board when it comes to going on a date with you," she said, her voice dropping an octave as her fingertips caressed his chin.

He caught her lips in a kiss. "You want to lock the door and relive some of those fond memories?" he asked.

She laughed softly. "You know the rule; dinner first."

"I've been known to get around that rule once or twice," he quipped.

"Not this time…I think we've pushed our luck enough in this office."

Jim laughed. "One time we pushed it in yours."

"I remember," she said, a light blush staining her cheeks. "Is anyone in my office?"

"I don't know, sweetheart; I honestly haven't paid much attention…all I know is that you're not in it so I have no reason to go near it."

"Hey," Jim's friend Craig said as he stepped into the office. "How come I don't get a woman sitting on my lap in my office?"

Jim smiled. "Because you're not special, Craig; I've told you that many times."

The other man laughed. "Well I don't think it's quite fair that you get some pretty girl inhere sitting on your lap and all I have in my office is cold coffee."

"Those are the breaks," Jim told him; "Some of us got it and some us don't…I guess you don't. I didn't even have to request her, she just showed up."

Craig shook his head. "You just have all the luck."

"I know, I've already talked her into going to dinner with me tonight."

Craig smiled as he caught Johanna's eye. "How much begging did Jim have to do to get you to marry him? Because I'm sure you had more options."

She laughed. "None I was willing to consider…but he did keep following me home from work so I figured I better marry him to save my reputation."

"Lies," Jim said. "All lies; she begged me."

"Sure," Craig scoffed with amusement. "A beautiful woman like her needed to beg? I don't think so."

Jim smiled, his gaze sliding to his wife as he patted her hip. "She is beautiful isn't she?"

"She is."

"Stop it, both of you," Johanna said as he cheeks warmed once again.

"Don't be modest, sweetheart," her husband stated. You're beautiful and everyone knows it…and don't you think she'll be a beautiful grandmother, Craig?"

"Grandmother?" his friend said with a smile. "Did you two finally get promoted?"

"Yes," she smiled; "But don't spread it around, I don't think Katie's ready for too many people to know."

"Oh I won't say anything," he promised. "It's still early, I assume?"

"Still the first trimester," she confirmed.

"Well congratulations to both of you," Craig told them. "I'm sure it'll be a beautiful baby as long as it takes after it's mother and grandmother and not it's grandfather," he teased.

"Hey," Johanna laughed; "That baby's grandfather is very handsome and don't you forget it."

"Yeah," Jim stated; "That's why I have a woman in my office and you don't."

"Alright, I can't battle both of you," Craig laughed. "I came down here to tell you that the meeting we had scheduled for tomorrow for the deposition is going to be in two hours; we had to reschedule it."

"Okay," he replied; "I'll get things together for it."

Craig nodded. "It was nice to see you, Johanna."

"You too," she told him before he left them alone once more. "I guess I better get going."

Jim sighed. "It's too bad…I like having you here, it's like old times."

"Yeah, it is…but we've got tonight to look forward to."

"Yes, we do, you need to go buy that dress," he said before kissing her. "I'll walk you to your car."

Johanna rose from his lap and picked her purse up from his desk before she slipped her hand in his. "Thanks for making me feel better," she murmured as she caught his eye.

Jim stole another kiss. "That's my job; I take it seriously."

She squeezed his hand as they left the office; he always did his job very well and she was grateful for that among other things. He had swept away the dark feelings lunch had inspired…and she felt like she'd be able to show up to the next lunch without that cloud hanging over her…as long as her son-in-law kept his word about better topics being on the agenda.

Author's Note: Kate returns in the next chapter.