A/N: Thanks for your reviews!
Chapter 20
Tuesday afternoon, Castle sat in the usual booth at the café, waiting patiently for his mother-in-law…or at least he felt like he was giving a good imitation of being patient. She wasn't late, at least not yet, he thought to himself as he glanced at his watch. She still had four minutes until she was officially late…and really lateness wouldn't be out of the norm. She did seem to run between five to ten minutes late for these occasions so really, with an extra five to ten factored in, she probably wasn't as close to being late as it seemed. He probably should start factoring in that grace period she had spoken of before. The thought still didn't make him feel any better; he didn't want to be stood up again…that would feel like they were backsliding in progress although there were times when he wasn't sure if they had made any at all.
A deep sigh crossed his lips…but what if she was bailing again? She had gotten away with it once, she might want to make it a trend…and then he'd never succeed in his mission. Castle drummed his fingers on the table, ignoring the hot cup of coffee Fredrick had sat down in front of him minutes before. Maybe he should call her and make sure she was coming, Castle thought, his fingers stretching toward his phone…but then he pulled them back. No, he wouldn't call…not yet. Calling before official lateness and the expiration of her grace period would seem…desperate? He frowned, he didn't like the thought of that. He expelled another breath; if Johanna thought these meetings were stressful for her and not for him, she was mistaken. He might not allow it to get to him as much as she did but it was there just the same…especially today. He sighed; he felt unsure this time, at least in some ways. Their last lunch had apparently sent her back to a dark place…had brought back bad feelings that had led to Thursday's cancellation. He wasn't proud of that; despite the fact that he was a person who preferred to hash things out.
But apparently there had to be a boundary line…and in his usual fashion, he had found it and stumbled across it; ignoring the warning signs as usual. He couldn't afford to do that again…Kate needed her mother more than ever and he wanted her to feel free to indulge in the need to seek her out for advice and comfort that he wasn't in a position to give. He also wanted Johanna to feel comfortable accepting that Kate was going to want her around a lot now. He didn't want either one of them to think that he was standing in the way.
Castle glanced at his watch again; she now had a minute before she was late…and then her grace period would begin. He had no sooner had the thought when the door of the café opened and Johanna Beckett swept inside, phone pressed to her ear. That couldn't be good, he thought as she made her way toward him. As usual, he tried to gauge her mood by what she wore, but he gained no insight from the light wash jeans and black leather jacket she wore. She had on her usual black suede ankle boots and her favorite sunglasses, which he noted she was pulling off as she drew near, his ears picking up her conversation.
"…no, they can't be fixed; they're too damaged for that…no, the warranty won't cover it," Johanna said as she dropped her handbag onto the table and gave Castle a small wave of greeting while listening to the voice on the other end of the phone.
Castle offered her a small smile as she reached for the silver zipper on her jacket. "They said the warranty wouldn't cover it because it was my negligence."
Castle's interest was piqued, his ears straining, trying to hear the other side of the conversation.
"They don't care," Johanna went on as she slipped one arm out of her jacket and then switched the phone to her opposite hand. "Apparently anything that's caused by you, me, or Scarlett is considered my negligence…."
She freed herself from her jacket and then slid into the booth with a sigh. "Honey, the warranty doesn't cover husband and cat damage; there was nothing I could do about it. I argued the case a little and then gave it up because it wasn't going to work."
Even more interesting, Castle thought to himself, catching sight of the waiter as he headed their way. Johanna noticed him to as she met his eye. "Order me my soda, Rick; I'm almost finished."
"Sure thing," he replied, hoping he wouldn't miss any details as he ordered her Coke.
"I had to pay to order the replacement pair," Johanna went on. "They cost seventy-five dollars so at least it wasn't as major as it could've been. I put it on the credit card, is that alright?"
He figured that was probably a silly question; he couldn't imagine Jim being upset about her charging anything.
"I know," she said; "I didn't think you'd have a problem with it but I could've just used the bank card and had it taken out of the account but you know I hate using that with all those reports about people fixing the card machines to steal your information. The credit card has fraud protection so I always feel safer using it."
He didn't blame her for that, Castle thought. It was something he and Kate had been doing more often too in attempt to keep their banking information safeguarded.
"They said seven to ten days," Johanna went on. "It was an accident, honey; you really don't need to feel bad. Really it was Scarlett's fault. I know…yeah, I need to go too. I'll see you in a little while…I love you too."
"At the risk of being nosy," Castle said as she put her phone away; "What was that all about?"
Johanna blew out a breath. "First, let me say that I really did try to get here on time."
"You were actually very close to it."
"At least that's something," she remarked. "As for the phone call, I let Jim know I had gotten here with my usual text and he called to see if I had taken my glasses to the eye doctor's office."
"What's wrong with your glasses?"
"Scarlett wasn't happy with me yesterday. I played with her for awhile and she went off to get a drink and I settled down with my book. She wanted me to play more and I wanted to read a little. She was highly annoyed. After awhile, I laid my book and glasses on the stand to go check the food I had in the oven for dinner. While I was doing that, she jumped up on the stand…despite knowing we don't allow her to do that; and she knocked my glasses onto the floor. As she was pushing my book off the stand, Jim came into the room and saw her; he went to get her off the stand, didn't notice my glasses on the floor and stepped on them. That was the end of them."
"Wow," Castle said. "Who knew Scarlett had a vindictive side?"
"It was a well kept secret," she stated. "She got yelled at and hasn't gotten any treats…that's driving her crazy. Jim, on the other hand feels guilty but it wasn't his fault; he didn't notice them. He thought maybe they could fix the frames and just replace the cracked lens but the frame was too bent."
"And they don't want to honor your warranty?"
"No; they say the glasses broke due to my negligence. I'm responsible for the actions of cat and husband," Johanna replied. "I think it's a bit stupid but that's how it is."
Castle nodded. "Yeah…what are you supposed to do, read the cat's mind?"
"The woman at the desk informed me that I shouldn't leave my glasses where my cat or my husband can get to them…so I guess I should hang them from the ceiling when I'm not using them."
He laughed. "They'll say anything not to honor a warranty."
"That's the truth," she agreed.
"You have another pair though, right? You don't have to do without do you?"
"No; I have another pair. The pair that broke was the pair I carry in my purse for work."
"I'm glad you have another pair to use."
Fredrick returned to the table with her soda and to take their order and after he had gone, Johanna met Castle's eye. "So…what topic did you pick for today?"
Castle breathed deeply. "I didn't pick any topic…I thought maybe we needed a break from the list. If something comes up in conversation, we'll see it through; if not, that's fine too."
"Then what are we going to talk about?"
"Whatever comes to mind…I figure that's something we should get accustomed to."
He was changing tactics, Johanna thought to herself; that was an interesting turn of events…one that left her feeling mildly relieved. "Okay…you go first."
"Why?"
"I just feel better that way," she admitted.
"Alright," Castle said, figuring he couldn't blame her for being wary.
Silence fell across the table as he tried to think of a topic while she took a sip of her soda. He could hear her foot tapping softly against the floor, telling him that she still viewed him with some apprehension. He supposed he couldn't really blame her for that either. Finally, he decided on a topic that he was sure was safe.
"So, have you told your friends about your impending grandmother-hood?" he asked.
She smiled a little. "No."
"Why not?"
"Because I didn't know if I should. I know Katie hasn't told her Captain…and I didn't know if it was alright to share yet…as far as I know, you've only told the immediate family."
"That's true," Castle replied. "But no one would be mad if you and Jim wanted to tell your closest, most trusted friends."
"Don't worry, I wasn't planning on a big Facebook announcement," Johanna said; "At least not until I'm sure it's alright to mention it. I'm sure my page is being monitored."
Castle smiled. "I may have glanced at it last night."
"And you didn't find anything, did you?"
"No, nothing baby related…I did see all the stuff I missed while you had me blocked."
"I didn't have you blocked."
"Yes, you did…you had Kate blocked too…and don't say it was an accident because we both know it wasn't."
"If I had blocked you, you wouldn't have still been on my friends list."
"That's because you were using that 'share with friends except' feature," Castle remarked. "We wouldn't have even realized it if Kate hadn't ran in to her cousin who mentioned how happy you looked in your photos from London that you had been posting. I looked at those last night; you did look happy."
"I was," Johanna answered. "I really enjoyed London."
"I'm glad; but getting back to Facebook; once you returned, Kate mentioned what her cousin said and the next day, we could see everything on your page again."
"Magic," she said with a small smile.
"No, it's called unblocking us."
"Could've been a glitch."
He smiled. "You blocked us."
"Only a little," Johanna replied.
"Why?"
"I'm guessing it was because I wasn't a big fan of either one of you at that moment in time."
"So you blocked us!?"
She shrugged. "Isn't that what people do nowadays when there's family discord?"
"Some people do."
"Apparently I'm one of those people."
"Apparently so."
"I unblocked you, that's all that matters."
"I didn't see any wedding pictures on your page," he remarked.
"You have a hang up about your wedding pictures, don't you?"
"Most mothers post pictures of their child's wedding."
"I didn't really enjoy my child's wedding so I didn't feel a need to share," she said honestly.
He nodded. "And yet you took a picture of you and Jim in your wedding apparel and captioned it 'The nightmare is almost over…'."
"Wow; you've been fully examining my Facebook page. How have you had time to do that?"
"I couldn't sleep; Kate was throwing up half the night."
Concern flicked across her face. "Is she okay? Is she getting enough liquids? You have to make sure she gets a lot of liquids when she's sick, you can't let her dehydrate."
"Don't worry; she's fine…we've got the hydration thing under control."
"I'll have to find her that tea that my mother gave me when I was pregnant; it did help at settling the stomach…that's how I got through work most days by having that tea. I'll find it, even if I have to order it," Johanna replied, picking up her phone and typing out a reminder to herself to do a search for it.
"A tea?" he asked.
"Yeah; it's a ginger tea; it was very good and it helped a lot. I'll find her some."
He almost said that he would go find it himself but he swallowed the words…he would let her do it; he wouldn't take away that small need to take care of her child. They had taken enough from her as Kate always said, he didn't need to run out and steal her thunder by finding this tea that had helped her in the past. "It won't keep her awake if she drinks it in the evening, will it?" he asked instead.
"No," Johanna said with a shake of her head. "If it settles her stomach like it did mine, it'll probably relax her and she'll sleep better."
"That would be good; I hope you find it," he replied.
"I will; I promise."
"I have no doubt," Castle said; "But getting back to that picture…what did you mean by 'the nightmare is almost over?"
"Are you sure she's fine? She might've just said that so you wouldn't worry so much," Johanna asked, ignoring the question.
"She's fine… she just had a rough night."
"Did she get any sleep?"
"Not much."
"She shouldn't be going to work after being so sick and not having much sleep," Johanna fretted.
"Kate didn't go to work; she called in sick."
"My daughter is home sick and you're sitting here!" she exclaimed. "Why aren't you home with her!?"
"Because she told me to come," he replied.
"She's sick; you should be with her, not sitting here grilling me about Facebook!" Johanna told him. "Go home!"
Castle shook his head. "She's fine; she hadn't been sick in a few hours and she was getting cranky and I think I was starting to annoy her…don't tell her I told you this but she told me 'please go bother my mother for an hour'."
"You still should've stayed home," she replied.
"Kate's fine…but you're welcome to stop by after lunch and check for yourself," he offered.
Johanna bit into her bottom lip. "Is your mother there?"
"No; Mother is away for a few days on a spa retreat."
She nodded. "Then I think I'll stop in and check on my daughter."
"Please do," he told her, holding off on conversation until Fredrick placed their meals in front of them and went on his way. "Now back to Facebook."
"Why?"
"Because I found your page interesting," Castle replied; "And you didn't answer my question."
"What question?"
"I asked you what you meant by 'the nightmare is almost over'."
"I should think it's obvious, Rick; we were leaving for the wedding…therefore the nightmare was almost over."
"Our wedding was a nightmare?"
"The months leading up to it were," she replied. "I was just glad the day had come so it would be over."
'The only other wedding related photo was of you, Jim, Jeff and Maggie that someone must have taken for you."
"My brother-in-law took it."
"It had the comment 'can't wait for tomorrow when we're London bound'."
"What's wrong with that? I was excited."
"You could've pretended to be excited for the wedding."
"Despite my time spent in school drama club; I'm not that good of an actress, Rick," she replied. "By the time your wedding got here, there was no chance of my being excited…all I had was relief that it was over and that I wouldn't have to look at either one of for six weeks."
"Wow; overwhelming maternal feelings there, Johanna."
"Well, sweetie; sometimes mothers get fed up and need a break and I needed a break from a lot of things at that moment. You think my mother never told me to get out of her sight? She did and I always went…I also always went back when the time was right. Your wedding wasn't a good time as we all know. London was good for me…very therapeutic; it gave us all the space we needed."
"You've shared some interesting quotes and comments during the timeframe leading up to the wedding…you must've had us blocked for awhile."
Johanna shrugged. "Only about three months; no big deal."
Castle laughed. "Three months isn't a big deal?"
"No; it's not like it was three years…and if I said anything that alluded to that difficult time, it was only because I was looking for support from my friends and family who also happen to be the parents of adult children and in-laws to their significant others."
"Yes; your friends and family were very supportive in your comments."
"When you analyze something, you really do it, don't you?"
"Writers like details, Johanna."
"So do lawyers but you don't see me analyzing your personal Facebook page."
"I'm sure you will later," he replied; "You're like that, one of those an eye for eye, a Facebook page for a Facebook page type of girls."
"I'm really not that bored, Rick. I have reports to read later."
"Okay, so you might not get to it today; but eventually you will. Anyway; while awake last night, in between keeping my wife hydrated and her hair pulled back; I did scroll through your Facebook page…just to see if I was still 'un-blocked' and that's how I saw these things that I've missed. Like I said, I found it interesting."
"I feel like this is about the lack of wedding pictures."
"No, not really; just little comments you made."
"How were you able to take care of my daughter when you were so busy reading my Facebook page?" Johanna demanded to know.
"I did take care of her…a little too much…I might have annoyed her and during her 'quiet' moments, she requested that I just be quiet."
"Didn't I tell you not to drive her crazy? What were you doing to her?"
"Relax; I wasn't force feeding her between episodes of sickness."
"What were you doing?"
"I kept questioning if she was being sick too much…because she seemed to be having it less, than last night she was having it like she was in the beginning and she was sure it was because the Chinese food was greasy."
"Chinese food!" she exclaimed. "What are you doing giving her Chinese food!?"
He eyed her warily. "Because she likes Chinese food…it wasn't any raw fish."
"Rick; I know Katie likes that stuff, although why is beyond me; but try to steer her away from that while she's pregnant. There are just too many mixed reports about which Chinese foods are safe during pregnancy so I say just stay away from all of them."
"But…women in China have healthy pregnancies," he remarked.
"Those women aren't my daughter and their babies aren't my grandchild…and if she was that sick after eating it, she shouldn't be having it," Johanna replied. "She's probably not going to be able to tolerate it during her pregnancy. There's plenty of other takeout in the world when she has a craving; or if you're both that desperate not to cook, call me, I'll make her a meal and bring it over."
"Wouldn't it be easier to just come to you instead of you driving it over?" Castle asked.
"Probably but you don't like coming to my house so I'll gladly drive her meal over to her."
"What about my meal?"
"I don't know if my cooking is up to your standards," she replied.
"I've ate your cooking before," Castle remarked. "Why would you think it's not up to my standards?"
She shrugged. "You've never really said before if you liked anything I've made that you've ate, besides baked goods."
"I told you when I came to your house for lunch that I liked the sandwiches you made."
"Okay; you like one thing plus the baked goods."
"I'm sure I've mentioned other things."
"No; you haven't…but you and Katie don't often accept invitations so you've probably had a limited sampling, although I do always ask her what to make that she thinks you'll like. You don't comment so either she doesn't really know or you don't like it all that much; which is fine. I wasn't fishing for compliments, just stating a fact."
"Just because I don't say anything doesn't mean I don't like it."
"You never ask for seconds."
"What does that have to do with anything?"
"If someone doesn't want more, then they probably didn't like what they had," she replied.
"Who told you that?"
"My grandmother."
"Maybe she was wrong."
"You didn't know my grandmother so you can't make that judgment," Johanna stated.
"You can't say I don't like the food you cook just because I never asked for seconds…seconds are usually frowned upon in this day and age."
"Since when?" she asked. "I've never known a man who didn't occasionally ask for seconds."
"Well I guess you know one now."
Johanna shook her head. "You wouldn't have lasted ten minutes with my mother."
"Why?"
"Because she would've been sure you hated her," she answered. "If someone didn't ask for seconds or at least say that they enjoyed the meal, declined the offer of leftovers to take home, then you were telling her that she had failed at providing a good meal for her guests. She would've been devastated…and then she would've been a bit miffed and you would've been subtly marked for life."
"Hmm," Castle said with a nod; "I'm guessing you didn't inherit her knack for subtlety?"
"Like I said, I wasn't fishing for compliments, just stating a fact. If you don't like it, you don't like it. I'm not going to lose sleep over it…just like there are some of the Derrick Storm novels that weren't always up to your usual standard and I'm sure people have told you so but it doesn't bother you, you keep writing."
"Well of course…wait..what?" he asked. "Which books?!"
"You know which ones, Rick."
"No; I don't think I do…come on, out with it; I want to know which ones you think suck."
"I didn't say they sucked; they just weren't up to your standards."
"Tell me!"
"Okay; that one with the weatherman…that whole plotline was…well…it just wasn't one of your best; and for God's sake, Rick; what is with your love of weather inspired names? It's only cute the first few times and then after that, not so much. I hope you've run out of them."
"Wow," Castle said; "I had no idea you were holding that back."
"Well; come on, you have to admit, you overdo the weather related names; Storm, Heat, Winter, Strike, April Showers…I really hated that name; I mean seriously; that's just lazy and you're better than that. What's next, you're going to name a character Summer Dewdrop or something?"
"No; I might save that for the baby," he remarked.
"I'll hurt you," she replied. "You name my grandchild something stupid and I will make you wish you hadn't been born."
"Somehow I don't doubt that," he quipped.
"Are you sure Katie doesn't have food poisoning from the Chinese food?"
"I ate the same food and I'm fine," he told her. "It just didn't agree with her and on top of the morning sickness, it was, like I said, a bad night…and you're still free to stop by and check on her to ease your mind."
"I have to now that I know you fed her Chinese food and then left her home alone while she's sick."
"I told you, she hadn't been sick in a few hours; she told me to come."
"I don't care," Johanna stated. "Your place is with her."
"She'll be fine until I get back…and you can follow me over."
"I will…I'll just stop in for a minute to make sure she's feeling better."
"You don't have to rush; not that I think she'll let you run in and right back out," Castle remarked; "You can stay awhile."
"We'll see; she might not be up to company."
"A visit from friends, probably not…but you're her mother; she always wants to see you."
Johanna gave her attention to her lunch, refraining from saying that not too long ago it hadn't seemed that way at all.
Castle allowed a few beats of silence to linger as he took a few bites of his lunch but then he decided to go back to his original topic. "I feel like the Facebook topic got quietly stonewalled," he remarked; "So I'll move on from it."
"Has my Facebook offended you, Rick?" Johanna asked.
"Honestly; no," he admitted. "I was mostly amused by the subtle hints that you hated every moment of the wedding planning. A few months ago I probably would've been offended."
"That's why I blocked you."
"We'll look at the blocking as the cooling off period," he quipped.
"Okay, we can call it that," she replied; after all, she didn't really want to analyze her Facebook page.
Castle took a drink of his coffee. "I am surprised that you haven't shared your news with Maggie…she is your best friend. I figure there isn't much you don't tell her."
"I would like to tell Maggie," Johanna admitted.
"So tell her. She's your best friend, she's trustworthy. Kate and I won't be mad if you want to tell her."
"It's not really that…it's that I have to find the right way to tell her."
Puzzlement flicked across his face. "Why?"
"Because Maggie has a grandson and she doesn't get to be a part of his life and that's very painful for her. She'd love nothing more than to be apart of his life…and hearing that I'm getting a grandchild that I'll get to see, at least I hope it stays that way, might be a little sad for her."
"I'm sure she'll be happy for you."
"I know she'll be happy or me…I just want to tell her in a way that respects her feelings. I'm overjoyed to be getting a grandchild of my own but I don't want to come off as too…"
"Exuberant?" he supplied.
"Yeah…and it's hard to find that balance between excitement and disinterest. I don't want to rub her face in it. She's my best friend; I know how hard it is for her to be excluded from Noah's life. It hurts her every day. She's been there for me through a lot…I don't want this to change our friendship."
"I really don't think you have to worry," Castle replied. "Maggie's not going to begrudge you your happiness."
"I know she won't begrudge it; but like I said, I don't want to feel like I'm rubbing her face in it. I want to tell her while also respecting her pain."
He nodded. "I understand…but you know, you can let her know that she can be included in your grandchild's life. Every baby needs honorary aunts, right?"
"The more the merrier…and I'm sure she'll like that but it won't be the same as being included in her own grandchild's life."
"I know," he replied; and then a thought occurred to him. "Question; Jeff is Kate's godfather, right?"
"Yes."
"But Maggie isn't her godmother?"
"No; Sharon is."
"Why is that?"
"It was supposed to be Maggie," Johanna stated; "Everything was planned and then about two days before Katie's christening, Maggie's paternal grandmother had a bad stroke and wasn't expected to make it, which she didn't, and she had to fly out to California. Maggie's father didn't like Jeff and didn't want him there so he stayed behind, although he hated to send Maggie alone. Maggie told Jim and I that she didn't want us to have to cancel the plans for Katie's christening and that there wouldn't be any hard feelings if we chose someone else so we could go through with things as scheduled…so I asked Sharon and she accepted."
"I see; that makes sense now. Are you a godparent to any of Jeff and Maggie's children?"
"Yes; Christina."
"And she's the one with a baby?"
"Yes; Noah."
"Maggie's never seen her grandson?"
"The closest she ever got to him was seeing him through the nursery window when he was born. Chrissy wouldn't allow her into the hospital room to visit. She won't allow her into her home. She doesn't visit Jeff and Maggie's home. If Jeff wants to see her and little Noah; he has to go to them. Maggie was barred from Chrissy's wedding; she was barred from Noah's first birthday party last month."
"Did Jeff go?"
"Yes, of course. Maggie insists that he go to anything Chrissy invites him to; birthday parties, dinners, holiday gatherings. He goes and he takes pictures and videos of the baby to show her when he gets home."
"That's…sad," he said for lack of better words.
"It is…Maggie would be a wonderful grandmother if Chrissy would give her a chance…but she's determined to keep punishing Maggie for the past. The few times they've come face to face, all Christina did was remind Maggie that she had an affair and ruined her marriage…as if she's in danger of forgetting."
Castle swallowed a bite of his sandwich. "But on the flip side, I guess it's hard for her daughter to forget the hurt that was caused by Maggie's choices."
"No one has asked her to forget. Maggie has apologized; she's tried to explain what she was going through at that time…she didn't ask Chrissy to forgive her; she just asked her for a chance to show her that she's still the person she was before all that happened. That she loves her and still wants to be her mother, wants to be a grandmother. Like I said; Chrissy barred her from her wedding, from the baby's birthday party. If there's a family gathering that Chrissy wants to attend, Maggie can't go or Chrissy throws a fit and accuses people of siding against her. Maggie's involvement with her own family seems to hinge on where Christina is going to be because she thinks she rules the world. She acts like Maggie killed someone and got away with it."
"An affair that rips your family apart isn't easily gotten over or forgiven," Castle remarked. "She doesn't get a free pass just because she's your friend, Johanna."
"No one said it had to be easily forgiven…no one said she should have a free pass. I didn't approve of her having an affair; it was wrong. I didn't condone it in any way. When that idiot she ran off with convinced her to keep the kids from Jeff, I went after her myself…Jeff got to see his kids after that but it cost me my friendship. Maggie wasn't herself in those days; she wasn't the woman any of us knew. It blindsided everyone. She did tear her family apart; she did hurt people. She made the wrong choices…and she's paid for those choices. In the end, she was alone and full of regrets. She's been punished in ways a lot of people don't realize…believe me, she learned the hard way."
Castle wasn't sure he believed that but he didn't say so for the moment. "What was her excuse for the affair?"
"I believe it would be termed as a midlife crisis," Johanna replied. "She wasn't happy with herself…she didn't know how to fix what was wrong; didn't know how to talk about it or how to ask for help. She felt like everything was wrong. The kids were getting older, didn't need the constant attention and care that younger kids need. Jeff was traveling a lot for work. She was lonely in some ways…she was bored with her work. She took a teaching position at NYU and that's where she met David. From what I've been told, it seems like he picked up on her vulnerability. He pursued her and egged her on…and the affair happened. She married him, moved to the Hamptons and the marriage unraveled over the few years they were together. They divorced shortly after Jeff and Melanie got married. Before you say it, no, those things don't excuse what she did…but she had a long hard fall to the bottom…just like I did; and there has to be a time when the past can be in the past and you can move on."
"Maybe in a perfect world," he remarked; "But this isn't a perfect world and everyone's past can't just be forgotten."
"No says it has to be forgotten…it could just be left where it belongs. How long are people supposed to pay? You're sitting there judging Maggie for what she did…and yet from what I've heard; you had no problem, shall we say, hooking up, with the wife who cheated on you every time she rolled into town…so apparently you were able to look past the hurt she caused her family. You've even allowed her to stay in your home…while in a relationship with my daughter; which just for the record, I didn't think very much of; it seemed a little disrespectful, but that's just me."
"Meredith was there for Alexis. Alexis was sick."
"Alexis was eighteen…and her mother clearly didn't care to nurse her through any other illness in her life…but she suddenly decides to play mommy when she learns your girlfriend is staying there…seems a little suspicious to me; but again, that could just be me."
"Kate didn't have a problem with it."
Johanna's brow rose. "Are you sure about that?"
He thought it over. "Okay, not much of a problem with it."
"Rick."
"There may have been some comments…and a demand that she stays at a hotel for future visits if Alexis is still under our roof."
"That's what I thought."
"Let's go back to talking about your friend," he stated.
"Why?"
"Because she's your best friend and I'm interested in this story. Has Jeff advocated on her behalf to the daughter."
"Of course he does; he spends half his life advocating for Maggie. He told Chrissy if he could forgive her, surely she could get past it. Chrissy didn't care for that statement."
"Well…she probably doesn't understand how he could take her back after what she's done."
"He loves her; he never stopped."
"Yeah…but…"
Johanna brushed back a lock of her hair. "You know, Rick; when Maggie and I would sit in the Crystal bar after work at times back before we were married and had kids and major life mistakes; this wasn't how we envisioned our lives. This isn't what we pictured or dreamed about. We didn't sit there and say 'I can't wait to open the wrong letter and have to end up in witness protection; or I can't wait to destroy a good marriage with an affair because I got bored and lonely'. All we wanted was to marry the men we loved, have babies, have successful careers, retire with more wins than losses…see our kids get married and have babies of their own; see the world with our husbands…we just wanted the dream that everyone wants. We never thought about it all falling apart…never thought it would be our own hands that would tear it all down. I take a case…a case that was just supposed to be like the hundreds of other cases; a little more challenging maybe but a case none the less…and in an instant, my world is spiraling out of control and everything is destroyed. I'm ripped away from my family, my friends, my job, my life, even my name. I didn't go into that case thinking something like that was going to happen. Maggie didn't just wake up one day and say 'today's the day I have an affair to shake things up'…things happen…bad things, wrong things, things we don't understand, sometimes things we can't control. In our 20s, we built our careers, met the men we loved and married; in our 30s we were mothers; in our 40s we went from dreading the inevitable empty nest to our lives falling apart after having it together for so long…and then we woke up one day in our early 60s just trying to find our way back home again. That's all we had wanted for years; just to get back home…I came home. Maggie came home…and here we were, sliding down the backside of middle age, rebuilding marriages, trying to rebuild relationships with children who are now adults…trying to make amends, trying to rebuild friendships, trying to take on new roles, like being a grandmother; atone for sins…just trying to get people to realize that we're still the women we were before we lost control. It's not how we pictured this stage of our lives…but we get up every day and we do it; because we don't have a choice. We know there are people who don't understand either one of our situations, reasons, choices. We know we're both judged for choices we made…we know there's always going to be that one person who never let's you forget what you did. But we made it home and I think we're both a lot better than we were two years ago…is there room for improvement? Yes. Things we'd still like to change? Yes. But we do the best we can…and laugh about the problems those former 20-somethings thought they had," she said with a wistful laugh. "Those girls at the Crystal bar thought they had it tough at times…they had no idea what they were in for."
"I guess that's probably true for most people," Castle remarked. "Nothing ever goes exactly according to plan."
"That's right, it doesn't…and everyone makes mistakes along the way. What Maggie did was wrong, but she's paid the price for it. I know how she feels…there are a lot of people who feel I was wrong for going with the F.B.I. and allowing them to fake my death. They don't get that it wasn't something I enjoyed or wanted…they don't get that I've been punished for my mistakes in more ways than they can imagine. For some people, it just doesn't matter; no matter how many apologies or explanations you try to give, they don't want to give you a second chance. You don't have much choice but to get used to that; but that doesn't mean it ever stops hurting or goes away…it doesn't mean you stop wondering if things could change…if you'll ever be through with paying for the past. See, Maggie and I; we've got a lot of debts to pay and a people who don't want to accept payment…and it's hard to make your peace with knowing that you'll never be able to pay it off completely."
"I guess it's a good thing you two were able to become friends again," he stated.
Johanna nodded. "I thank God for it every day."
"How did you meet Maggie?"
"We worked at the same law firm, you know that."
"Yeah; but how did you become friends?"
Johanna shrugged a little. "We were both hired at the same time right after graduation. Roche always had a little orientation type of thing when he'd have a group of new employees coming in, and that year he did. I met Maggie at that meeting. Our offices were on the same floor and we'd run into each other in the breakroom and talk. Then not long after we were hired, we had to work on a case together and we were friends ever since."
"And Sharon was with you then too?"
"Yes, she was my secretary from day one and all through my career…although she pushed her luck at times."
"You thought of firing her?" Castle asked.
"Many times."
"What stopped you?"
She glanced down at her plate. "Misguided loyalty I suppose."
Castle allowed that statement to hang in the air, figuring that he wouldn't go down that road today…after all they both knew that Sharon didn't share that same sense of loyalty. "So which friend ended up being your maid of honor?" he asked instead.
"Maggie."
"Why not Sharon?"
"Because she didn't deserve the title."
His brow rose. "No?"
"No."
"But Maggie did?"
She nodded. "Yeah; Maggie did. I didn't always realize it back then, mainly due to that misguided loyalty; but Maggie was always a better friend than Sharon was in those days. Once Sharon became entangled with Phil, she changed and our friendship was never the same. Maggie was always there for me when I needed her. She's the type of person who will drop what she's doing to be there if you need her; she'll listen to you cry, she'll rant and rave with you, she's more than happy to jump into a fight with you and would gladly go to jail with you for it if you can't escape the cops. Sharon, on the other hand, would rather stand around crying that she doesn't feel like going to jail…even though you were once her alibi when she was slashing her ex-boyfriend's tires."
Castle's eyes brightened, a grin touching his lips. "You lied to the cops!" he exclaimed in a hushed whisper.
"I had to," she replied.
"Why?"
"I didn't want Sharon to go to jail…and I didn't want to be charged as an accessory, my father would've killed me. Besides; they couldn't prove we weren't in our dorm room like I said."
"How would you have been an accessory?"
"I was there when she slashed the tires."
"You were there!"
"Yeah...but slashing the tires wasn't my idea. I just said key the car."
"So…you've lied to the cops in the past; does that mean you and Maggie might have gone to jail once? Because I feel like it might've been alluded to and that Sharon was a chicken and didn't go with you."
"No; we didn't go to jail…we were just willing to…there was a scuffle in a bathroom at the law firm New Year's Eve party one year."
"This is great," Castle said; "Tell me all about it…who was scuffling?"
"Me and a bimbo."
"Who was the bimbo?"
"Melanie," Johanna said, venom in her voice.
"Even better," he exclaimed; "Now I can really picture it…how much scuffle was there?"
"Well there was some name calling, trash talking, shoving, hair pulling, scratching…that type of thing and Maggie got into with Melanie's little shadow Callie and said she was more than willing to take her on. I had just drew back to hit Melanie when Sharon jumped in and stopped it…the coward. I don't think I've ever really forgiven her for robbing me of that moment."
"Maybe you should've hit Sharon," Castle replied.
"I wish I had."
He laughed. "What caused this holiday scuffle between you and Melanie?"
"She got her hooks into my date and kept him talking to her for forty-five minutes while I'm sitting alone at our table. I was pissed, to say the least. Maggie, Sharon and I were in the bathroom touching up our makeup when Melanie, Callie and Jillian came in to run their mouths. She had to inform me that I didn't have what it took to hold on to a man; that I wasn't his type, he was never going to be mine…God I wanted to deck her."
"Who was your date?"
Johanna glanced at him. "Jim."
"Oh, this just got even better," he murmured, interest gleaming in his eyes. "Jim was distracted by a bimbo while on a date with you? That seems so unlike him."
"Well, Rick; he was young and easily distracted back then like most men are at that age…and we weren't dating…not that that mattered to me, I figured if I went with him, then he was officially mine for the night and I did not appreciate him allowing that whore to get in the way; especially when he knew how I felt about her."
"Epic fail on his part," he agreed; "Maybe you should've punched him."
"I slapped him the next morning."
"What!?" he exclaimed.
She sighed. "It wasn't one of my finer moments, Rick. I'm not nice when I'm hungover…especially when I was already angry before I got drunk."
"Why did you slap him?"
"Because I didn't want to be kissed at that moment in time and he didn't get the hint until I slapped him."
"Yeah; that gets a hint across," Castle agreed. "Sounds like a hell of a New Year's."
"It was…although there are parts of it I don't remember because we got very drunk after we left the law firm party."
"You probably wouldn't have had to drink so much if Sharon hadn't interrupted your fight."
"That's probably true…every time I think of her interference, I just want to drive to her house, knock on the door and punch her when she opens it."
"Fight the urge; you've got family in the police department now."
"Yeah…Katie's badge is the reason I've fought a lot of urges the last few years."
Castle laughed. "I'm sure she appreciates it…but getting back to Maggie; I guess she's what they term a ride or die friend."
"Yeah," Johanna said with a nod. "She is; always has been, always will be…and she believes in second chances."
"Then you really shouldn't worry about telling her your news," he replied. "She's still going to be your friend; she's not going to bail on you just because you're going to get to be a part of your grandchild's life."
Johanna pushed the last bite of her food around on her plate. "I know it's irrational…I know she'll be happy for me…I just don't want her to be distant because of her own situation. I'm not saying she will be…just that I worry about it a little…because I don't know exactly how I would feel if the roles were reversed. I mean I'd be happy for her of course; but I'd also be sad for myself…I just…I don't know; I worry about stupid things. I always have."
"No, I get it," Castle said; "You worry about being too excited and making her feel the ache of missing her grandchild more acutely…and maybe you're not just worried about how it could change your friendship with Maggie; because I really don't think it will…I think maybe you're just a little nervous about becoming a grandmother."
"Why be nervous about that?" Johanna asked. "I'm just getting promoted from mother to grandmother."
"It's a job you never held before…things are changing; maybe it makes you nervous, despite being happy about it; so you focus on it in the aspect of it affecting your friendship with Maggie."
She shrugged. "I don't know about all that; I haven't really thought about it a lot in terms of change."
"Are you sure about that? Or do you start to think about it and stop and look at cute baby clothes online because the baby part is easy to focus on and not the other stuff."
"What other stuff?"
"Like changing family dynamics…about being a first time grandmother; about how the word grandmother is perceived…"
"I don't feel old," Johanna remarked; "I don't feel my age at all and I don't dwell on the number. I want to be a grandmother; I don't have a problem with a baby calling me Grandma."
"I know you want the job; but I think it would be natural to have some nerves about it…all things considered."
She met his eye. "I don't really want to think about it in terms of nerves because there's nothing for me to be nervous about."
"Okay," he said; figuring it was best to let that conversation end for now. Things were going well and he was sure he had her convinced to pay Kate a visit so he didn't want to rock the boat.
"Thanks for lunch," Johanna said after she had swallowed the last bite.
"You're welcome…how was the no list topic thing? Did that work for you?"
Johanna breathed deeply. "Well, I don't feel a need for alcohol, Advil or anti-depressants, so I'd say it was a lot better than some lunches we've had so far."
"Good," Castle replied. "I'm glad I picked the right plan…I never can tell with you sometimes."
She smiled a little. "Don't worry, Rick; I'll still regard lunch topics with slight suspicion."
He nodded. "I'm going to consider that a point of normalcy and take the win. Do you want dessert to celebrate a successful meal?"
"No; you need to go home to my daughter. She's been alone long enough; you didn't even call and check on her."
"She's fine," he assured; "And remember, you're going too and see her for yourself."
"Yeah," Johanna said with a nod; "I'll stop in and check on her and tell her no more Chinese food until after the baby is born."
"I told you, you can stay for longer than a minute. Mother isn't there; she isn't due back until the end of the week. Alexis isn't there either, she's at school. It's just Kate and I."
"I'll see if she's up to a visit of longer than a few minutes."
"I'm sure for you she will be," he stated; "Besides, she might need some of that maternal comfort."
"I'm sure you comforted her just fine," she replied; a part of her still feeling like she was struggling with balance, wanting to be there for her daughter for everything but also not wanting to get in her son-in-law's way.
"Yeah, from the husband angle; but you know, comfort from her mother is always good for her to have too. The more comfort the better, right?"
"Yes, I guess that's true…I just don't want to intrude too much."
"You're not," he promised as he signaled for the check; "You've been invited…so I'll get the check and we'll go see Kate, okay?"
"Okay," Johanna said as she picked up her jacket to slip on; wondering if she'd ever feel like she had the balance thing figured out…but she did want to see Katie; wanted to make sure she was alright; that she was getting enough fluids and had gotten something in her stomach that would stay down. She wanted to give comfort and love and reassurance…even if only for a few minutes. At least Martha wouldn't be there, that would take some stress off the idea of visiting.
"You ready?" Castle asked; breaking into her thoughts.
"Yeah; I'm ready…sorry, I guess I was daydreaming."
He gave her a knowing smile. "I have a feeling it was more like contemplating if visiting was alright, and it is…so I guess really we are working on a list topic."
Her brow furrowed as she slid out of the booth. "And what would that be?"
"Making you know that visiting is something you're welcome to do," Castle stated as she grabbed her purse. "See, even when I'm not trying, the mission continues on its own. It's a sign from the universe, we're meant to have family unity."
Johanna glanced at him. "Don't make me start craving wine this late in the game, Rick."
"Right; we're going with subtlety today…but just know that I respect the universe."
"I know…you've told me."
"Hey; at least the visit thing is one of those hands on topics…we're not really discussing it; it's an action that's being carried out."
"It's a visit to my daughter who is home from work because she's sick," she replied. "Let's just call it that…keeps the pressure off, you know what I mean?"
"Yes," he answered; she didn't want to feel like she was being tested…but perhaps in a small way it was a test; one that she was passing so far by agreeing to come over…and if she stayed for longer than five minutes; he'd say she passed the second part and they could work on getting her to the third phase…visiting on her own without multiple assurances that she was truly welcome there; but until then, he'd hang onto the victory that they had gotten through lunch without a specific topic at hand and that he'd convinced her to visit this time.
A/N: Next chapter we'll see that visit to Kate and some mother/daughter moments!