Tuesdays with Johanna

by evitascarlett

A Redemption Universe Story: Rick Castle is determined that despite a multitude of misunderstandings and wounded feelings, Johanna Beckett is going to be his "third time is a charm" type of mother-in-law…whether she wants to be or not; because he wants his family to be completely healed and happy before Johanna uncovers the underlying reasons for his mission. CastleFicathon2018

23. Chapter 23

A/N: Thanks for your reviews!

Chapter 23

"Why would you call her?" Kate asked sharply as tears continued to slide down her cheeks.

Castle breathed deeply, trying to hold back his own feelings of frustration, worry and fear. "I called her for a few reasons. One, as a courtesy because she's your mother and you know that your parents get upset when you don't tell them things. Two, because I figured if I didn't call and tell her; someone else would and I think it's better for all of us if she got the call from me instead of Ryan or Esposito…or Gates again. Three, because the doctor said you need to calm down and I'm not having any success at helping you do that so I thought maybe your mother would be able to help calm you down."

"What, by coming in here and saying I told you so?" she cried. "Because she will. I can already hear it; 'I told you so, Katie. I told you this could happen'. She's probably in the car saying it to Dad right now; telling him that she warned me. She probably jinxed me by saying it the other day."

"No, she didn't," Castle replied; "And for the love of God, don't say that to her when she gets here because if you do, you'll probably never see her again because she won't be able to handle the guilt and no amount of begging will bring her back around. She didn't jinx you anymore than you jinxed yourself by saying you're careful. She's not going to say I told you so. She doesn't even know what happened yet. Her concern is going to be you…not saying I told you so."

"You don't know my mother," she sniffed. "She always says it. It's her four favorite words."

He sighed deeply. "She's won't…you talk about me always thinking the worst of her and look at you, you do the same thing. All she's going to be worried about is you; not trying to prove that anyone was right or wrong."

Kate scoffed; her mother liked being right too much to ignore pointing it out at some point.

Castle took her hand, smoothing his thumb against her skin. "Kate, you need to stop. You heard the doctor; you need to calm down."

"How can I be calm?" she asked tearfully.

"Because you know you have to be; it's what's best for you right now."

She sniffed, swiping at the tears on her cheek. "You're probably waiting to say I told you so too…after all, you were agreeing with her the other day."

Anger flicked across her husband's face. "Really, Kate," he asked sharply. "You really think that's the main concern on my mind right now? Waiting for the right moment to say, hey, told you something could happen? Really?"

"Well…you want me out of the field; you made that clear…ever since the test came back positive you act like I can't take care of myself…like I can't make decisions for myself."

His jaw tightened and he tried to keep from losing his temper. He knew she was upset, scared…trying hard to avoid the knowledge that she had been wrong. But he was worried and scared too and his patience was stretched thin. "All I've tried to do is take care of you. I'll I've done is express some concerns at times…because you're my wife…and it isn't just your baby, it's also mine. Yeah; I try to make sure you eat well and regularly. I try to make sure you get enough rest. I brought your mother home to you when you were sick, thinking it would make you feel better to have her comfort. But nothing I do is good enough. You just want to do everything your way, you don't want help, you don't want taken care of. You want to be big bad Detective Beckett at all times; you want to do what you want and you don't want to hear anyone say a word about it."

"That's not true."

"Yeah, it is…everyone is just supposed to stay out of your way and fall in line with want you believe."

"Castle," she started to say.

"No," he said with a shake of his head. "No; I'm not going to do this with you right now. I'm not going to fight with you. I'm not going to do what you fear and say I told you so, not because you brought it up, but because I wouldn't ever do that in a situation like this and you should know that by now. I'm going out in hallway and wait for your parents so I can let them know what's going on. I'll send your mother in after she's been informed…and don't bother telling me not to; because I am. I'm not going to drag her down here and then turn her away at the door…so you just prepare yourself, because she's coming in. Yell if you need me."

Kate watched her husband stalk away; feeling like her world was in danger of falling apart. She shouldn't have accused him of waiting to tell her that he was right…but she had been worried about hearing the words…the truth always hurt when it got slapped in your face. She didn't want to feel that sting…not when she had so many other things to feel and worry about. She sucked at being a good person…she sucked at doing the right things. She was going to blow everything just like she always did. Maybe while she was at the hospital she could see if they had a cure for that…but she had a feeling that there was no cure in her case; it was far too severe to be cured.

---

Johanna was severely regretting the fact that she had ate dinner that evening. Her stomach felt like it was twisted into so many knots that she was sure it must look like a pretzel. In the car, she had tasted the bitterness of bile rising in her throat, forcing her to take deep breaths to hold it at bay as she cracked the window, allowing cold air to sting her cheeks. The sounds of the hospital seemed somewhat muted to her ears as she and Jim made their way through the maze of hallways, his hand holding hers tightly. She was grateful for his strong, tight grip…the soothing words he had murmured in the car, trying to assure her that everything would be fine. His words had been a comfort but she wasn't fully convinced. All Rick had said was that there had been an accident. There hadn't been any elaboration about what kind…of how it had happened or why. Her daughter's job was hell on her nerves and she had a feeling that this accident was job related. Rick had told her earlier that they had a case…it wasn't a far leap to connect the dots...but still she couldn't be certain. Nothing was certain at the moment.

She took a breath, praying that Katie wasn't hurt badly…that her grandchild had survived whatever had happened. Her stomach clenched; God what if they had lost that tiny baby that she had seen on the monitor during the sonogram? The baby that was her little ray of hope…the baby who's heartbeat was still recorded on her phone. The baby who's bassinet was tucked away in their attic, waiting for May when it would be needed. Her throat tightened, what if she had been telling Jim that she was afraid of getting attached at the very moment that the baby had been in jeopardy?

"Please God," she prayed silently. "Let Katie be okay…don't take the baby…don't take her from us, please. Even if it means that they keep her from me; please let Katie have her baby."

"Breathe," Jim murmured quietly.

Johanna breathed deeply and exhaled slowly; it had been a long time since her husband had to give her that gentle reminder. "I should've demanded more information," she said softly.

"He told you not to panic…which guaranteed that you would panic," Jim replied gently. "It's going to be alright; we'll have answers in a minute. If it was as bad as we briefly allowed ourselves to envision, he would've been more distraught on the phone. We talked about that in the car."

"I know…I just hate this," she murmured. "I feel like it's my fault."

"Sweetheart, how is it your fault?" Jim asked. "You've been home since a little before one. I've been with you since four-thirty. You weren't anywhere near her."

"I know…but you know she's mad at me about bringing up the risk she was taking by wanting to keep it hidden. I put it out there…"

"Jo, don't even think about falling into that pit. Just because you told her the truth doesn't mean you caused this to happen. You don't control the universe."

"I know…but it feels like the universe always has a way of coming back and biting me…and I don't want my grandchild to be the casualty of it."

'This isn't your fault," Jim stated; "You need to know that and believe it. We don't know that anything is wrong with the baby; it may be perfectly fine. Don't go thinking the worst."

"I'm trying not to but it's hard," she murmured.

"I know, sweetheart; but you have to try," Jim said as he caught sight of his son-in-law a few feet away. "Rick; what's the situation?" he asked.

"Let's go over here to the waiting room," Castle replied as he led them across the hall from Kate's room to the small waiting room.

"Is Katie alright?" Johanna asked, anguish creeping into her tone. "What happened?"

"We were apprehending suspects for the case," Castle began as he rubbed his fingers across his forehead, trying to settle himself enough to tell the story coherently. "There were two suspects; they ran of course when confronted. Ryan and Espo went after one; we took the other. He took the stairs in the building we were in; we chased him down three floors and Kate managed to grab him on the last landing at the top of the smaller flight of stairs going to the ground floor. She told me to call Ryan and let him know our location. As I was doing that, she was cuffing the guy…he decided to fight it, breaking out of her grasp which shoved her back and caused her to fall down the stairs."

"Oh my God," Johanna murmured. "How bad is she hurt?"

Castle breathed deeply. "Her ribs are bruised…she's got a bump on her forehead…other bruises and scrapes from falling. She twisted her ankle but nothing's broken in it. The doctor says she's lucky she didn't end up with a back injury."

"What about the baby?" Jim asked.

"So far the baby is fine. She doesn't have any bleeding or pain. They've been monitoring the baby's heartbeat and they've done a sonogram. The doctor said everything is normal…but we don't know if that could change. Kate's bordering on hysterical. She can't stop crying…she's convinced that she's going to lose the baby. The doctor told her that there's no indication that she's going to miscarry; that all they can do is continue to monitor her for any changes but so far the baby is fine…she just doesn't believe it. She had her vest on…I think that probably helped protect the baby as she fell. They're keeping her for awhile for observation; not just for the baby but mainly to keep an eye on the head injury. She doesn't show signs of a concussion but they want to make sure…that's their main thing honestly. They don't seem particularly worried about the baby and that's keeping her agitated too. The doctor wants her to calm down…I can't get her to calm down," he said, looking to Johanna. "I thought maybe you could calm her… I keep trying…and it's not working. She's scared and she's mad and it's not helping…and I'm…I'm frustrated with her, as terrible as it is to say that right now."

"No, it's not terrible," Johanna replied with a shake of her head. "You're worried and you want her to do what the doctor says is best and she's fighting it, probably some of it she can't help, but I understand why you feel frustrated and in need of a reprieve."

Castle expelled a soft breath, a small amount of weight lifting from his shoulders at the knowledge that he wasn't misunderstood for his feelings. "Will you go in there with her?" he asked quietly. "I just need a break…I just need a little while and maybe you can do better."

She nodded. "Yes; I'll go sit with her…I can't promise she won't throw me out as soon as she sees me but I'll go."

"Don't let her throw you out," Jim stated. "You've got this."

Johanna gave him a small smile. "You want to come with me?"

"I'll keep Rick company for a little while and then I'll be in," he replied. "Tell her I'm here; that it'll be okay."

"Sending me into the lion's den alone," she commented, trying to lighten the mood but she knew none of them found it as amusing as they normally would.

"You can do it," Jim said as he pressed a kiss to her cheek. "Go on; it'll be fine."

Johanna took a steadying breath and then left the waiting room, making her way across the hallway to the room her daughter was in. She pushed the door open and slipped inside, her gaze seeking her child. "Katie," she said softly as she saw her looking forlorn in the hospital bed.

Kate glanced at her and burst into tears, her hands covering her face.

Johanna hurried toward her, dropping her purse on the chair and quickly shrugging out of her coat and tossing it there as well before reaching for her daughter, gently pulling her into a makeshift hug. "Shhh," she murmured; "It's going to be alright."

"No, it isn't," she cried.

"Shh," Johanna said, rocking her gently as best she could as she allowed her daughter to sob for a few minutes, hoping it would make her more receptive to comfort. Eventually she felt Kate's hands slip away from her face, allowing her to settle more fully into her mother's arms. "It's okay, I've got you," Johanna murmured.

Kate's sobs started to ease as she sank against her mother, exhaustion sweeping through her.

"It's alright, Katie," her mother said; her hand running over the back of her head. "It's going to be fine; you just need to calm down a little. I know it's hard but you need to."

"I can't," she said tearfully as she clung to her.

"You can…you have to for the baby," Johanna told her. "It's not good for either one of you to be so upset."

"I know, but I can't stop."

"Tell me why."

"Because I hurt her…I know I'm going to lose her."

"Why do you believe that?" Johanna asked.

"Because I fell down the stairs…isn't that how it usually happens?" she cried. "Isn't that fatal to a baby at this stage?"

"In movies, yes; in real life, no," Johanna said gently. "Are you having any pain or bleeding?"

"No."

"Then that's a good sign. Rick told us that they did a sonogram and that they're monitoring the baby's heartbeat. He said everything is normal."

"Yeah, for now," Kate said tearfully. "But maybe it takes time for the trauma to take toll. They care more about the damn bump on my head than the baby…what if they send me home and it happens then?"

"It's not going to happen. If the baby had been hurt in any way, they would know by now."

"What if they do and they're not telling me?"

"That's against the law, Katie; you know that as well as I do. They're not going to risk that kind of lawsuit…especially with you being a cop…and since you and Rick are known and we still suffer some infamy, it's a safe bet that it's known that you are the daughter of two lawyers. They're not going to lie to you for anything."

"That could be true," Kate admitted softly.

"Of course it is; if they say the baby is fine, then she's fine. Believe me, honey, you'd know if something was wrong…you'd have pain, there would be bleeding."

Kate's fingers dug into her mother's shoulder. "I'd never be able to live with myself if I lost her," she cried. "I'd feel like I killed her…I couldn't live with that. I'd never be able to face Rick again. I wouldn't be able to face anyone. It would be my fault."

"It's not your fault," Johanna remarked. "It's the fault of the person who caused you to lose your balance. It wasn't anything you did."

"It wouldn't have happened if I had been at my desk," Kate said quietly; her voice still choked with tears.

"Honey; if you were meant to fall, it could've happened anywhere. It could've happened at the precinct; at home; while visiting me. You could've fallen down stairs anywhere."

"It happened because I was in the field. I lost control of the suspect and it might cost me my baby. I don't know why you aren't saying I told you so," she said, a fresh sob breaking free.

Johanna pulled back from her so she could meet her eye. "Why would I say that?"

"Because you warned me about the risk…and I said if I could get away with it I would…you said I'd have to live with the consequences…and now it feels like the consequences are here."

"Katie, this was an accident that could have happened anywhere regardless of what you were doing. When we were discussing your work this was a scenario that never came to my mind…and even if it had, I still wouldn't say those words to you."

"Why not?" she asked tearfully. "Don't I deserve them?"

"I wouldn't say them because I love you…because you're already hurting and you're scared. It doesn't matter what was said the other day; what matters is that this wasn't as bad as it could've been…and believe me, I envisioned all kinds of terrible things in the car…but you're going to be fine and the baby is going to be fine. Rick said you were wearing your vest so I'm sure that was extra protection for the baby when you fell."

"It doesn't change anything though…I put her in jeopardy…that suspect could've done worse than just knocking me off balance."

"You're right, he could have…but he didn't," Johanna replied. "We're all thankful for that."

"Rick's mad at me," she murmured; "I know he's waiting to say I told you so…I can feel it."

"He's not angry with you," her mother soothed; "He's worried, just like you are…and I get the impression that the two of you have been at odds so he's feeling a little frustrated."

"I'm a terrible wife," Kate cried.

Johanna cupped her cheek, swiping at the tears with her thumb. "You're not, Katie; marriages are full of these moments where you're frustrated with each other…especially when you're pregnant and things are changing."

"I feel like everything is a mess."

"I know, baby," Johanna said quietly as she pulled her back into her arms. "But it won't be like this forever; it'll get better, I promise."

"What am I going to do?" her daughter whispered tearfully.

"First, I'm just going to hold you and let you cry a little without someone telling you to stop…and then you're going to calm down and we'll talk about whatever is on your mind. Okay?"

Kate held on to her tightly. "Okay…I'll try."

She brushed a soft kiss against her daughter's hair. "It's going to be alright," she told her as she rubbed her back soothingly; hoping that she had hit on the best course of action for handling this situation…and that she would be right and everything would be fine.

---

"I tried to grab her," Castle stated after he and Jim had been settled in the waiting room for a few minutes.

"Do you think I don't know that?" Jim asked.

"I didn't mention it when I told you what happened."

"You didn't have to. I didn't think for a minute that you just stood there and did nothing."

"I was only a few steps away from her…the landing wasn't all that big…and I still couldn't grab her in time," Castle stated. "My fingers barely grazed her…I couldn't get a hold of her…couldn't even grab hold of her vest."

"Those things happen quickly, Rick," Jim replied. "You can't always stop it from happening no matter how close you are. I felt bad when I was teaching her how to ride a bike and she fell off…she was so determined that she didn't need me to hold on to the bike after the first two minutes that I let go…and then couldn't catch her in time when she went down despite being right there."

"I know it can't always be stopped…but if something happens to the baby, I'll feel like it's my fault because I wasn't fast enough…because I wasn't close enough to make a difference."

"It's not your fault," his father-in-law stated. "Accidents happen. No one would ever doubt that you would keep it from happening if you could. You said the baby is fine…I'm sure it'll stay that way."

"What if it doesn't?" he muttered.

"You have to have faith that it will. I think if something was going to happen it would've most likely happened by now."

"We can't be sure though," Castle replied; "And even if something does happen…I'm not sure there's anything they can do about at it at this stage."

"You just have to think positive, Rick," Jim replied. "I'd tell you not to worry but you're going to do that anyway…just like I'm going to worry anyway…just like I know Johanna won't sleep for a day or two and we'll flinch every time the phone rings thinking it's the worst scenario."

Castle blew out a breath. "I spent ten minutes debating which one of you to call. I didn't know if I should call you and let you tell Johanna or if I should just call her directly."

"What made up your mind for you?"

"I don't know," he remarked, scrubbing his hands over his face. "I guess I figured it was minor for the moment so I could just tell her myself…if it had been worse, I definitely would've called you and let you tell her."

"Thanks a lot," Jim said with a short laugh.

Castle managed a small smile. "I made sure you were there before I told her."

"Yeah; I know…I think that's when my heart hit my toes," Jim confessed. "I know it was the moment my wife lost all the color in her face…and telling her not to panic only guaranteed panic…we're riding around in November with the windows rolled down in the car because she was sure she was going to throw up on the way here."

"Sorry…I realized in hindsight that the 'don't panic' thing probably meant that she was going to panic all the more. I wasn't thinking."

"It's alright, I understand…but you can't blame yourself for Katie falling; you didn't do it. Johanna thinks she did it by discussing the work risk with her the other day; she thinks she put it out there in the universe and that it's her fault."

"Kate thinks I'm waiting to tell her I told you so because I agreed with Johanna about the things she said on that topic."

"It's not your fault. It's not Johanna's fault. If anyone is to blame, it's me," Jim stated.

"You?" his son-in-law asked in surprise. "How could it be you?"

"Because I had steak for dinner," he replied. "When Johanna found out she didn't have to meet you for lunch, she called to let me know she was going to run a few errands and head home. She asked me what I wanted for dinner and I said I'd like to have a steak that didn't come with a side of surprise. So she made me steak…and then we got your call…so see, it was me; I tempted the universe by asking for a steak free of surprise and it just doesn't work that way in my world unless I eat it at a restaurant."

Castle gave a quiet laugh. "No more non-restaurant steaks for you, Jim."

He nodded. "That's what I'm thinking…unless of course it's the usual please forgive me I ran up the credit card or dinged the car steak from my wife."

"How did she get in that habit of a please forgive me steak dinner?"

Jim shrugged. "I don't really know honestly. It was something she didn't make for me a lot unless it was a special occasion and we wanted to eat at home instead of going out to celebrate. I think the first time I got a forgive me steak was several months after we got married. The credit card bill from her Christmas shopping had rolled in and it was a lot higher than she told me to expect…so she made me a nice dinner to break the news and to apologize, telling me she had been a shopping haze and hadn't realized what she had done and that she'd pay the bill from her bonus at work."

"How did you take the news?" Castle asked.

"Oh I thought she was probably exaggerating at first and then she slid the bill across the table and I saw the total and started yelling."

"What did she do?"

"She started crying."

"Did that make you stop yelling?"

"Hell no; I yelled even more then. I told her there was damn excuse for it."

"Then what happened?" Castle asked.

"That's when she brought out the cherry pie my grandmother taught her to make."

"So then you quit yelling?"

"No, I yelled while I ate the pie and she kept crying."

"When did she stop crying?" His son-in-law asked.

"When she realized sex was an effective weapon."

Castle laughed. "So you got over the credit card bill then?"

"I wouldn't say I was totally over it but…you know…it didn't seem as important anymore."

"Understandable. Were any of your steak dinner surprises good?"

"Yeah; the one where she told me she was pregnant was a good one," Jim replied.

"She told you over steak?"

He nodded. "Yeah…and I wasn't in the best of moods so I was instantly suspicious and started interrogating what she might have done and she said she hadn't done anything, she just wanted to give me a nice meal. I could tell I upset her by the way I acted so I let it go, figuring I was just being a jackass. I spent half the meal ranting and raving about a case that was being a pain in my ass that week and in the midst of it she blurted out that she was pregnant."

"Did you take it better than the credit card?" Castle asked lightly.

"Yeah; that one went a lot better," Jim said with a smile.

Silence for a few moments until Castle glanced at his father-in-law. "Did you ever feel frustrated with Johanna when she was pregnant?"

"Yes," he answered; "It's a part of marriage. You've been through it before, you should know the drill."

"Yeah…but Meredith was different. Nothing really phased her…not that I'm implying that that was a good thing because it wasn't at times; but she didn't get mad about reminders to eat regularly, to slow down, to rest. She didn't mind being taken care of…and her mood swings were nowhere near Kate's."

"Katie's not Meredith."

"I know…but I didn't think it would be this different."

"Maybe Meredith was more docile to your ways because she did have that don't care attitude; why take care of herself when you'd do it for her? I'm not saying you're wrong to take care of your wife; I take care of mine to the best of my ability…but sometimes, they just want to take care of themselves because they know they can. Maybe Meredith liked being waited on hand and foot. Katie's different; she likes a certain level of independence. She doesn't want to feel like she has a nursemaid or a third parent instead of a husband," Jim remarked; "And when you're going around insisting on eating at a certain second and probably telling her to clean her plate; she probably feels like you're being a parent more than a husband…and she's already got two parents; I know because I'm one of them."

"I just want to take care of her," Castle said in exasperation.

"You can take care of her without going overboard," Jim replied. "She knows when to eat, when to rest…and after tonight's episode, she probably knows she has to step back from some aspects of the job. You need to realize that she's not going to change who she is overnight just because the stick turned blue."

"But everything changes when the stick turns blue," Castle remarked.

"Yes, the scope of your world changes to include one more," his father-in-law stated; "But you don't change at the core just because there's now a baby. You can't make Katie change who she is deep down…just like you can't make Johanna change by taking her to lunch and waving around a list of topics."

"People do change, Jim."

"Yeah; they do…in time, in their own way…not because someone else felt it was time and forced their hand. Change comes on its own…I've never tried to change Johanna; I love her exactly the way she is, I always have. Is she exactly the same as she was the day I met her? No; she isn't…because she's not twenty-three, single and living on her own for the first time. She matured and grew on her own, not because I forced her to do things the way I thought she should. I've matured and grown on my own too; again, not because she was pulling the strings. It happens on its own. You can't just create it like it's a plot in your book, Rick. When Katie becomes a mother, parts of her will change…because it'll be time; not because it's your will."

"She's going to be a mother; she does have to change in some ways."

"She will when the baby comes; until then she's adjusting to the new scheme of things and you need to allow her time to do that, Rick. Did you ever think that maybe her mood swings would settle down if you settled down some?" Jim asked.

"Me!?" he exclaimed.

"Yes; you…like I told you, you're not acting like her husband, you're acting like her parent. You need to ease up; I know you're nervous but your insecurities only magnify hers and make things worse…and being that she's hormonal, you have to be the one to be level headed about some things."

"I'm not nervous," Castle stated; "I already have a child. What do I have to be nervous about?"

Jim smiled. "Rick; I know you already have a child but that child is in college…that's a big gap between babies. You're older now; and while babies haven't changed, some things regarding them have. You're also not going to be a single parent this time; and I know, last time Meredith was there for awhile but from what we've been told, you were really largely a single parent from day one. I wouldn't blame you for feeling a little nervous about sharing a duty you're used to handling solo…because there's no way in hell that Katie's just going to let you take over the baby and push her to the sideline just because you think you know it all about childrearing because you've done it before. Every kid is different; that baby isn't going to come out as a clone of Alexis. This baby has Beckett and McKenzie genes…it's probably going to be a whole new ball game for you," he laughed.

"I'm not nervous," Castle said firmly.

"Keep telling yourself that, Rick; but you are…and I think your insecurities are what's making you act parental toward your wife at times…and that's most likely playing on her insecurities and making those mood swings worse. You need to relax…you'll find that if you relax a little; she'll relax a little too and then maybe things won't feel so out of sorts for you."

"So you're blaming Kate's mood swings on me?" he asked, a touch of offense in his voice.

Jim laughed. "No; I didn't blame them on you; I said you could be making them worse with some of your actions…but if you want to get technical, I guess I could blame them on you; you are the one who got her pregnant."

Castle smirked a little. "Well your wife wanted grandchildren."

He nodded. "Yes, I know; I want them too…so we consider mood swings a small price to pay as long as we get to babysit."

"Never match wits with a lawyer," Castle remarked.

"It's not so much the law that's made me this way; it's life experience," Jim replied. "I've been through the pregnant wife experience. I know it isn't easy…that sometimes you forget it isn't easy for her either; you have to go through adjustments…and sometimes it gets difficult but it's worth it in the end."

His son-in-law breathed deeply. "Did you and Johanna fight while she was pregnant?"

"Yes," he answered honestly. "We had our arguments just like always…and yes, like I said earlier, there were times when I was frustrated with her; and even knowing that things I was frustrated by weren't her fault didn't make it easier…it just made me act like a jackass at times."

"What were you frustrated by?"

"How tired she was in those early months," Jim replied. "I know it sounds stupid…and it felt stupid…but I was used to my wife being a borderline insomniac; she could stay up half the night when it suited her and still hit the ground running when it was time for work. When it came to fatigue, I was used to her being a little more tired when it was that time of the month…but the fatigue she had in her early months of pregnancy just drove me crazy. It would be eight o'clock and she'd be asleep on the couch a lot of nights…and I knew it was because of the baby, because she was working a full time job…but I missed the way things were because nighttime was our time, especially later in the evening; no one usually called after nine, work was always put away before then…it was just us and we'd watch a few shows, talk, just be together and I missed that. Some nights were better than others…and she'd try so hard to fight it at times; but it always seemed like she'd end up falling asleep on me. She also had a lot of morning sickness…so that puts a damper on your love life, which I'm sure you know but don't tell me, she's my daughter."

Castle laughed quietly. "I wasn't going to say a word other than that I understand that one completely."

Jim smiled. "She also couldn't stand to cook…and while I can cook enough to survive, it's nowhere as good as my wife's cooking…so I was probably also reacting to hunger for the meals I was accustomed to. I guess at times it felt like she was suddenly so different…and really she wasn't; she was just a very tired version of my wife; but it was hard for me to deal with. I felt bad for feeling the way I did…and I didn't think I could talk to her about it so that didn't help things…it made me a bit of a jackass at times…which made her more sensitive to everything and I didn't realize that then."

"Did it cause a fight?"

"Oh yeah," he laughed; "I woke her up for work one morning and she said she didn't remember going to bed and I told her she fell asleep on the couch around eight-thirty again and that I had carried her to bed. She felt bad…she always felt badly for falling asleep early and she promised me that she was going to stay awake that night; that she was going to make a nice dinner and we were going to have the evening together. I told her not to worry about it, I had a meeting after work. She said she'd just start dinner a little later, it would be done at seven…I didn't believe a word she was saying but agreed to humor her so she'd get moving so we wouldn't be late for work. That evening after my meeting, the guys decided to go out for drinks and I was invited to go too…so I went, figuring Johanna was home asleep on the couch and wouldn't know anything about it."

"You were wrong?" Castle asked.

"I was so wrong," Jim said with a nod. "I didn't get home until eleven and she was wide awake and livid."

He smiled. "I'm surprised you're around to tell this story."

"It felt like it could've gone either way," his father-in-law said with a laugh. "I tried to act like it wasn't a big deal…and she wasn't having that. She had made dinner and it was now in the garbage…she had taken a few small sips of coffee to help her stay awake so she had probably jeopardized her baby's birth weight for me…I didn't even call…and then I made the mistake of saying I figured she'd be asleep anyway…and that busted my excuse of losing track of time."

"Wow…it must've been one hell of an apology gift for you to still be married, Jim."

He chuckled lightly. "Oh the fight wasn't over yet; she started yelling that I did it on purpose, that she knew I had been mad that morning because she had fallen asleep the night before; that she wasn't stupid, she knew I was tired of her…she had started crying about this time…and then she started demanding to know who I was with…and if Melanie was there."

"Please tell me she wasn't," Castle stated, hanging on every word.

"She wasn't."

"Lucky for you."

"Lucky for all of us," Jim quipped. "I was pretty sure at that moment that she had lost her mind…and I told her she was being ridiculous."

"Big mistake," Castle quipped.

"Yeah…that's not a word she likes thrown at her…especially in that moment. She's crying that I just didn't want to come home to her, that she jeopardized the baby's birth weight with the sips of coffee; that I hadn't thought about her or the baby all night, that I didn't appreciate the effort she made. She was furious…and then I made it worse."

"Oh my God, how?!"

"I implied that she acted like all I was supposed to do was go to work and go home and sit; and I told her sometimes I just wanted to be with my friends…which in her defense, she never told me I couldn't spend time with my friends; she'd never do that…but she did like to know beforehand…and it wasn't a fair statement for me to make to her that night. It didn't help things…it only made her believe that I didn't want to be with her."

"Yeah; that's definitely making it worse," his son-in-law quipped.

"I realized that as soon as I did it and I tried to apologize but she was too angry for apologies by then…she went in the bedroom and locked the door; told me I could go sleep in the hallway for all she cared; she said she didn't want me to feel like I was forced to sleep at home with her. We went back and forth about it through the closed door but she wouldn't budge; wouldn't even let me in long enough to get ready for bed. I had to sleep on the couch…the next morning she got up earlier than usual, made her tea and toast herself…ignored me completely…didn't even ride to work with me; she had Maggie pick her up. Somewhere between the cold shoulder and her answers of how she was getting to work, I called her petty and she told me I was insensitive…which I guess I was. We barely spoke to each other for the next two days."

"How did it get resolved?" Castle asked.

Jim breathed deeply. "Well; as odd as it seems, I had a talk with my mother…and then on the second day, I got wind that Jo went home from work early so I was worried about her and went home to check on her. She was fine; her schedule was just light that day so she decided to take the rest of the afternoon off. I asked her if we could talk and she was ready for that. I apologized for what I did and she apologized for flying off the handle…told me that if I had just told her that I needed a night to blow off some steam and be with friends, she would've understood and wouldn't have had a problem…but that she liked to know where I was because of the baby…in case something happened and she was alone. It was part of why she was worked up into a tizzy when I had gotten home that night; she felt like I didn't care enough to let her know that I was fine…that I didn't care enough about her to let her know where I was in case of emergency. She told me how she felt that day and night…how the way I had acted at both points in the day had made her feel…how it made her take things in a way that maybe I hadn't meant them. She nudged me into telling her all the things that had been on my mind and nagging at me; reminded me that she wasn't fragile just because she was pregnant and that we could still talk like we always had…and that I should know that she'd always rather me discuss things with her than to keep them from her. I told her about how I felt a little frustrated with some of the effects of her pregnancy and that I hated feeling that way because it wasn't her fault…and she told me that those things frustrated her too. We had a really good talk about a lot of things…and we got past it."

Castle nodded. "So was that the only one you had during that timeframe?"

"No," Jim said with a shake of his head. "We had other disagreements…like when it was time to take her heels away from her. She wasn't happy the day she lost that battle."

"I can imagine," he remarked. "I'm certain that's where Kate gets her shoe fetish."

"Most definitely. As soon as she was up walking she was sticking her feet into Johanna's shoes when she'd find them. As for other fights Jo and I had while she was pregnant; we had a few about money during that time…because buying a house made me very uptight," Jim admitted. "Every time she bought something I about lost my mind about it. She'd talk about things the house would need, things the baby would need in its room…and all I saw was accumulating dollar signs. I tore into her, telling her that she acted like she could spend money like I was printing it in the basement. I started yelling about the house payment we were going to have, the utilities, the baby and everything it required. By the time I was done, I had her in tears and convinced that we were broke and had made a mistake in buying the house."

"I have a feeling this wasn't a quickly resolved issue."

"No, it wasn't," Jim replied; "We were at my parents house when it happened…and my mother was chiming in her two cents that this is what happened when you had a high maintenance wife, that she'd bleed me dry…needless to say but it didn't help matters. Being at my parents house only made it all worse. My father asked me to go out to the garage with him, which was code for an incoming lecture and while I was out there, Jo called a cab and went to her mother's…and stayed there until the next evening."

Castle grinned. "She went home to her mother!?"

"She sure did…and she didn't tell my mother where she was going when she left so it took me about an hour to find her because I was stupid enough to think she wouldn't go to her parents house being upset. Naomi informed me during my phone call that I wasn't to even think of putting a single toe on her porch because for the time being, I wasn't welcome there and if need be, Frank would deal with me. I didn't like the sound of that so I stayed home."

He laughed. "That was probably wise."

"I thought so," Jim quipped. "I didn't want to tangle with Frank…he wasn't the best father to Jo that he could've been…he didn't give her the affection she deserved, he was hard on her…but he wouldn't let anyone hurt her. I always felt a little torn when it came to Frank; as a man I liked him, he was good to have a conversation with, to go to a ball game with, to get advice from…and then on the other hand, as the person who loves Johanna; I didn't like him because of the way he made her grow up…the way he still held her at arms length even in adulthood. I saw her cry too many times because of him and I always felt badly when I'd enjoy his company…and despite it all, I knew he loved her; I just hated that he never gave her reason to believe it."

"He sounds like a difficult man," Castle replied.

"He was…he was complicated…a trait that you probably know runs in our family. He wasn't all bad; he was a wonderful grandfather to Katie…and when he wanted to, he and Johanna could get along just fine and co-exist peacefully; especially after Katie was born…but even in good times he wasn't as demonstrative as he could've been toward her…he could've made her believe that she had his love if he had given a little more effort. Frank McKenzie wasn't a man who changed his ways too often. His grandchildren mellowed him a bit…but he didn't often bend in any other sector of life. He was who he was and you had to take him as he was. He had his bad traits…but he was also protective of his family, did what he had to do for them when he was needed to step in; and you didn't hurt one of his kids and get away with it. He had that McKenzie pride…a sharp tongue and a quick temper; but he was also devoted to Naomi, spoiled his grandchildren and loved his kids even if they didn't always know it."

"He was difficult and flawed," Castle stated; "But overall a good man?"

Jim nodded. "Yes; overall he was a good man despite his flaws and hang-ups."

Castle considered the description of Johanna's father carefully. "It sounds like Johanna has some of his traits."

"Oh she does," Jim laughed. "She's got his temper…she's got it in spades but don't ever tell her that. Nothing pisses her off more than being told that she's like her father in some ways. When Johanna and Naomi would bicker, Naomi would always say to her 'you're just like your daddy' and then she'd really be pissed. She's got his temper, his hair color…his chin…and that habit of jutting it upwards when she's getting mad. She's just as stubborn as he was too…but if you repeat any of that I'll call you a liar and she'll believe me."

He laughed quietly. "I won't spill the beans, I promise."

Jim smiled. "She's got a lot of Naomi in her too though; she's a pretty good blend of both of them; but she only likes to acknowledge Naomi's half."

"I think I can understand why," Castle replied; "But how did you get through that argument that happened at your parents house?"

"That wasn't easy," his father-in-law said with a sigh. "Her father brought her home the next evening, which was a Sunday…and she came with a box of her mother's curtains, placemats and tablecloths. We didn't talk much…I didn't really know what to say and I figured she probably didn't want to hear it even if I did. It was several days of awkwardness…she started taking her lunch to work instead of going out with me to eat. She was collecting household hand-me downs from anyone who volunteered them…boxes of baby clothes from her sister. Zach came to me about two days after this all went down and asked me why we changed our minds about buying the house; I told him we hadn't; we were supposed to move in two weeks. He tells me that Johanna had come into his office and was asking about how we could get out of the sale. I told him it was just a misunderstanding, that we didn't want out. I knew then I had to fix this situation I had made."

"What did you do?"

"Well; when I was in the process of losing my mind about money, Johanna kept mentioning this bassinet she wanted for the baby so she could keep her downstairs during nap times for those first few months. I was being an ass, kept telling her we didn't need a damn bassinet, we needed a crib and my mother had already given us a cradle for in our room to use for the first several weeks. She had a crib picked out but she still wanted the bassinet for the downstairs of our new house. I thought it was ridiculous and told her so but she said she was buying it when she got her next paycheck. The paycheck came but the bassinet didn't show up…so I figured it would make a nice peace offering. I went to the store and got it and a few other little things for the baby and took it home to her. She told me to take it back."

"Really?"

Jim nodded. "I did such a good job of convincing her that we were in dire straights that she was out looking for nursery furniture in second hand stores and had found a crib. She told me to take the bassinet and the other things back; we needed that money for the crib; that the store told her they could hold it until the next day if she wanted it. That's when I really realized what an idiot I had been. She wanted out of buying the house that she was in love with; she had cast aside the notion of the baby furniture she had already picked out and was finding cheaper replacements. I did a really good number on her that time…and it wasn't easy to convince her that we were fine; but I eventually managed it."

"Did she keep the bassinet?"

"Yes; she kept it…and I made her cancel the hold she had on the crib at the second hand store," he said with a laugh. "She was in the biggest penny pinching mode of her life…going further with it than she normally would have. She's a rational woman, she knew our finances; but you know, factor in the pregnancy hormones and she was off and running."

Castle laughed. "It doesn't seem to take much to cause that in pregnant wives."

"No, it doesn't," Jim replied; "But you got to be careful not to get the ball rolling over things that shouldn't be an issue. The more you act up; the more she'll act up, not because she wants to but because she can't really help it…and then you're in more trouble than you would have normally been in."

His son-in-law was quiet for a moment. "So you're saying I need to chill out about some things?"

"Pretty much; I mean pregnancy doesn't mean that Katie's lost the function of her brain. Don't treat her like she's your kid; treat her like your wife…you can still take care of her; you just have to do it the ways she needs. You have to learn when to pull back a little and just let her work through a mood…it's alright to wait and let her seek you out when she's ready to talk or be comforted. She will seek those things when she needs them, you know? Just like she seeks out her mother when she needs her brand of comfort and advice."

"You're saying I'm impatient?"

"Very," Jim answered. "I used to be very impatient too but if you try hard enough for a worthy cause, you'll find that you can be more patient if you really want to be."

"You're the most patient man I know, Jim; it's hard to really believe you were ever very impatient."

"Oh I was," he replied; "But you know, I've been with Johanna in one way or another for forty-one years; she's put a lot of work into me…your training is barely started."

Castle chuckled lightly. "So you didn't just learn to be patient on your own; Johanna helped you into it?"

"Helped is a nice word," Jim said lightly; "She'd like that better than me saying she occasionally demanded it."

"What else has she helped you into?"

"Marriage," he said without missing a beat. "I was just minding my business and she caught me in her net."

"I've heard you put up a struggle," Castle remarked.

He nodded. "I didn't want to ruin her fun by making it easy for her; she wouldn't have any good stories to tell if I had made it easy."

"That's true."

"It is…and besides, she's been rewarded; I promised her a house and a baby; she got both."

"In the same year," Castle quipped.

"I'm good like that," Jim replied.

He laughed, his chest not feeling as tight as it had been when they had first sat down. "So these little bumps in the road now that Kate's pregnant…they're just par for the course?"

"Yes; it's perfectly normal…but if you calm down some, she'll calm down too, Rick. That's all it ever took for Johanna; if I settled, she'd settle. You have to pick your battles; you have to not be afraid of talking about things that concern you but you should do it in a way where it doesn't feel like you're issuing an order or criticizing…you shouldn't let it fester until it comes out in a less than desirable way because that doesn't do either one of you any good and she'll be determined not to listen. You can't rush the process of the changes that are happening; it has to happen on it's own in its own time. When Johanna was pregnant we had our bad moments, like I gave you a few examples of…but it was also a time when I felt like we were even closer than we had been. It can be the same way for you; you just have to let things settle; respect the fact that she's frustrated and nervous too…because you are nervous whether you want to admit it or not. You just have to find your footing, Rick; once you have that, it'll feel easier."

"Sometimes finding your footing is harder than you think it will be," Castle remarked.

"I know…but you just have to keep trying; and one piece of advice, don't get into that habit of comparing relationships, because if you do, one day you're going to say it out loud and you're going to be in serious trouble," Jim said with a laugh. "Then we might be sitting here in this waiting room waiting to hear if they removed the bullet from your ass."

He laughed quietly. "Yeah; that's probably a possibility; I'll try to watch that tendency."

"It would be a wise idea," his father-in-law agreed; "But honestly; you'll find your balance a lot easier if you just relax a little and remember what ways works and what ways don't when it comes to your wife. I know it feels like they're different when pregnancy enters the picture; but they're not…aside from the hormones. You need to remember that; you need to be a little more subtle sometimes and just relax. It's all going to be fine in the end."

Castle gave a nod; it did seem like logical advice that he should take into consideration. "I'm going to try harder…I know it's not just her; it's me too."

"That's right; it's both of you…but right now, you're more able to control spur of moment emotions so you're going to have to be the level headed one and know when to step back."

"I'm going to do better," he promised.

"I know you will," Jim replied; "It's just a period of adjustment, everyone goes through it…and you know, you could always ask someone who has been through it before."

"Like you?"

"Yeah; I'm not just here to dress the set," Jim quipped. "I've been through a lot of things; I'm sure I have something to offer for most occasions."

"I have no doubt about that," Castle replied with a smile; "And I'll definitely keep it in mind."

---

A short while later, Johanna felt as though she had her daughter calmer than she had been when she arrived. There were still tears but the broken sobs had eased and so had the trembling that had wracked her frame while she held her. She had murmured soft words to her, doing her best to soothe her and they had now worked their way up to discussing the things that was on Kate's mind; mostly the baby's condition and how she felt that the doctor wasn't as concerned as she felt he should be.

"They're more concerned about the bump on my head than the baby," Kate cried. "My head is fine; they need to be concerned about my baby."

"I understand that you feel that they're not concerned and that it's frustrating you…I would feel that way too," Johanna said gently; "But Rick said they checked the baby and are monitoring the heartbeat…so right now, they're doing everything that they can do. They can't do more when nothing's wrong."

"I just…"

"You just what?"

"I just worry that something will change and there still won't be anything they can do."

"Sweetheart, you just have to think positive; so far she's fine…there's no reason to believe she won't stay that way."

"They come in here and check me for signs of concussion but they don't say anything about my baby," Kate said tearfully. "I'm not worried about me. I'm worried about my baby."

"Okay," her mother soothed; "The next time they come in, we're going to ask about the baby…but you have to be taken care of too."

"I don't matter; my baby matters."

"Yes, you do matter," Johanna stated, her hand falling against her daughter's stomach. "You matter very much to her…you're her mommy; she needs you to be strong and healthy. She's completely dependent on you right now. She needs you, Katie; she needs you to be as calm as you can be. She needs you to rest and heal. If you take care of yourself, you'll be taking care of her too. You're a package deal; everything you need to do to take care of yourself you have to do for her too. You also matter to me and your father; you're our baby and we want you to stay strong and healthy; we want the same for our grandchild. You matter to Rick because he loves you too."

"He's getting tired of me," she sniffled.

"No, he's not. He's just worried and frustrated right now, that's all."

"Sometimes it feels like we fight a lot lately."

"That's because your hormones are out of whack, honey; they make you more sensitive and easily annoyed…and let's face it, sometimes your husband doesn't know when to quit."

"That's the truth," she scoffed.

Johanna smiled, her fingers brushing softly across her daughter's forehead, being mindful of the bump that marred it above her right eye. "You know, pregnancy is a happy time in a marriage…but it's also difficult at times and that's okay."

"How can it be okay?" Kate asked.

"It's okay because getting through rough spots makes you stronger; there's not a couple in this world that doesn't have arguments…and pregnancy doesn't make that tendency go away. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that they don't drive you crazy once in awhile…especially when you're pregnant. You've never been through this before, Katie; it scares you and you don't like to be scared; neither do I. You're scared and you get frustrated, hormones put you through the ringer and it feels like everything is changing fast. Rick doesn't want to admit it but he's nervous too…and he has that tendency to act like a know it all so of course you're going to clash sometimes; but you'll get through it."

"It's just hard sometimes…one minute he's being sweet and the next he's going overboard and before I can stop myself I'm snapping at him and I'm annoyed and then he gets mad and I feel like a terrible person."

"You're not a terrible person; this is just part of the game right now, Katie. Your father and I had our fights when I was pregnant…there were times when he annoyed me."

"Really?"

Johanna smiled. "Yes; when I first found out I was pregnant with you, he didn't want me doing anything. I'd get up from the table to wash dishes and he'd be there telling me I shouldn't be on my feet so much, I should be resting. I picked up a basket of laundry and he was grabbing it out of my hands, saying I shouldn't be lifting things…and while on one hand I found it sweet that he was so protective, on the other, there were times when it drove me crazy. Then when the fatigue started hitting me pretty hard and all I wanted to do after work was lay down…and most nights I was falling asleep before nine; he got frustrated with me. He kept saying he wasn't but it wasn't hard to figure out that he was. I was tired, I was sick, I couldn't really cook because the smell of food made me sick…and I knew it was bothering him but he wouldn't admit it. One morning I promised him I was going to make dinner and I was going to stay awake so we could have time together. He told me not to worry about it; he had a meeting after work. I told him I was making dinner, I'd have it ready when he got home which he said would be around seven…he didn't come home at seven…or eight. I'm pacing the floors wondering if something happened to him, he's not answering at his office. I'm thinking the worst. I call Sharon, Phil hadn't come home either. I call Maggie, Jeff was also unaccounted for. I call Claudia; Zach's not home either…and that's when I knew that my husband had totally disregarded my efforts and was out having fun with his friends while I worried myself sick."

"What did you do?" Kate asked.

"I set there waiting on him to come home…growing highly irrational and ballistic; imaging that he's out in the bar with his friends and a pack of bimbos who were more appealing than me."

"Dad wouldn't do that to you…not the bimbo part anyway."

"Rational me knew that…hormonal me wasn't so sure," Johanna admitted with a laugh. "I kept thinking about how he knew I was making dinner for him, that I wanted to spend time with him…that I had put your birth weight in jeopardy because I took a few sips of coffee to keep me awake and he didn't even care enough to come home. It was after eleven when he finally came home; telling me he forgot to call…and then saying he figured I'd be asleep and it wouldn't matter."

"Did you blow up at him?"

"You better believe it," Johanna replied as she perched on the edge of Kate's bed. "I let him have it and he starts saying he didn't know he wasn't allowed to have a life; he didn't know he was supposed to only go to work and then go home and sit. Then I was convinced that he was tired of being married and no longer excited about impending fatherhood. I went in the bedroom and locked the door and wouldn't let him in…I told him he could go sleep in the hallway and that I hoped someone would step on him…among other things. I was really hurt that night…the dinner I had made was in the garbage, we didn't have the time together I wanted…and I had been excited for him to come home that evening," she said with a wistful smile. "When I had gotten home that day and was changing clothes, I noticed for the first time that there was the slightest hint of a swell indicating your presence…and he had been waiting for the moment when I'd start to show; he'd ask every few days when it was going to happen. I couldn't wait for him to come home so I could show him…and it was ruined."

"You didn't tell him?"

Johanna shook her head. "Not that night. We didn't speak for a few days until he found out I left work early one day and he came home to check on me. We talked about a lot of things that afternoon; about fears and frustrations that we both had…he apologized for giving me the brush off and I apologized for being crazy. We talked it all out…and then I showed him that very small bump he had been waiting to see; and the look on his face was all I needed to convince me that he was still just as excited as he was the night I told him we were having you."

"What were your fears?" Kate asked, her fingers curling around her mother's.

"I had the same fear everyone has, I was afraid I wouldn't be a good mother; that I'd do something wrong. I was thrilled to be having a baby but I was also worried that I wouldn't be able to handle it. I was also frustrated by the fact that I didn't have the energy I was used to having; that I was sick so much. It limited the things I liked to do, like cooking…and enjoying all aspects of my marriage. I felt like I was being a bad wife because my husband was having to cook meals…because I couldn't stay up half the night with him…because I had to turn him down at times because I didn't feel well. He didn't complain…but I felt badly."

"Did you tell him that?" her daughter asked.

"Yeah; I did that afternoon when we talked and he assured me that he didn't think I was being neglectful, that he knew I couldn't help it…that he felt bad for getting frustrated at times when he knew it wasn't something I was deliberately doing. A lot of his frustration came down to two things; one, he wasn't used to having to share me, so to speak; and two, he was worried about my symptoms. He was so worried about things that he did something I would have never expected him to do."

"What was that?"

Johanna laughed softly. "He went and talked to his mother about it."

Kate's eyes widened. "He talked to Grandma about it?"

She nodded. "Yes; and Elizabeth assured him that everything I was going through was normal; told him I'd feel better in the second trimester…that he just needed to be patient; that everything would be fine. That made him feel better…and we both felt a lot better after we talked. Sometimes when I was pregnant, he'd be afraid to tell me things…he treated me like a fragile china tea cup that would break at the slightest bump. He was afraid of upsetting me, that if it was something that would make me upset that it would harm me and you. He was having a problem at work in my fifth month and I knew he wanted to talk about it but he kept holding back…I had to occasionally remind him that he could still talk to me like he always had, that no harm would come from it."

"Would he tell you things then, like his work problems?"

"Yes, and I could see his stress level plummet once he'd tell me and we'd talk about it. He just worried…he worried the whole time I was carrying you…and sometimes it made him just as crazy as I was when the hormones would grab hold."

Kate laughed softly. "Maybe men have their own pregnancy related hormones."

"That could be," her mother laughed. "There were times when he drove me up the wall when I was pregnant. He wanted me to give up my heels soon after I found out I was pregnant; I wasn't doing it…I made it to the fifth month and then he went to the doctor with me and found out that the doctor had told me to give them up and that was the night he took them from me…throwing in that you were more important than my need of cute shoes and a few extra inches of height."

"Like you were selfish," Kate murmured.

"Yeah; it felt that way when the comment was made; but I had to remind myself that while I was unhappy to give up my shoes, that your father hadn't meant to make me feel like I was selfish for holding on as long as I wanted. He just didn't want me to fall; he didn't want us to get hurt. I realized that before I flew off the handle completely but it still stung a little."

"I understand that."

"That wasn't the last time he drove me crazy though during pregnancy. My labor started on November 16th at about five in the morning…as soon as I told him I had a contraction, he was off and running; I'm telling him to get back in bed, I had one, it could be false labor again. A half hour later, I had another one; he's ready to load the car. I had to keep telling him not yet. He hovered over me all day, staring at me like a ticking time bomb, asking every ten minutes if it was time to go to the hospital; telling me to rest and so on. I was already nervous about the prospect of delivery and eventually asked him to call my mother to come over; he was still driving me crazy when she got there; she sent him out to check the oil in her car and anything else he could find under the hood."

She laughed. "Really?"

"Yes, and I was truly thankful because I thought I might have to punch him at one point," she said lightly. "It was a very long day and night…and I said a lot of things in the delivery room that he didn't take personally, thank God; because I didn't mean any of it; it was just the pain talking…which brings me to the suggestion that when the time comes, don't be stupid like your mother, take the drugs, sweetheart; it'll be better that way."

Kate gave a small wobbly smile. "I just hope I get there," she whispered.

"You will," her mother said with conviction, her hand softly moving across Kate's stomach. "She'll stay, Katie. It's going to be okay."

"I wish I could be as sure of that as you are…how can you be so sure?"

Johanna smiled. "Because we're not that easy to get rid of, honey. Look at our lives…people have tried and we're still here…and this one; she may be a Castle but she's also a Beckett and a McKenzie. She'll stay…just like us."

"It might be a boy."

She shook her head. "No; that's our girl; you can have a boy the next time."

Kate sniffled a little, trying not to let her emotions overwhelm her. "You say that like you get a choice."

"Well you know how it is…McKenzies get what they want."

"Legally you're a Beckett."

"Becketts too," Johanna stated. "But I'm a McKenzie by birth, that doesn't go away just because of a marriage…you're married and you're still a Beckett aren't you?"

"Always," Kate remarked.

"Then the statement stands."

A tear leaked free and slid down Kate's cheek. "I'm not going to feel like she's safe until a few days have passed."

"I don't blame you for that."

"I just want to feel better about it," her daughter cried.

"Shh," Johanna said, wiping away the tears as they fell on her cheeks. "It's going to be fine. You have to think positive."

"That feels hard to do," she admitted; her voice hoarse.

Her mother gave her a smile as she rubbed her arm consolingly. "You're due in May; so that means a year from tonight, your baby will be about six months old," she stated. "She'll be starting to crawl…she might even already be doing it on this night a year from now. She'll at least be scooting around, getting the hang of being mobile…and she's going to be curious…getting into anything she can reach and you're going to be running around baby proofing; making sure there's nothing small on the floor for her to put in her mouth…making sure outlets are covered and cords are out of reach, the cupboard doors can't be pulled open. She's going to be crawling behind you; and if she's anything like her mommy, as soon as you open the stove drawer to get a pot to cook in, she's going to demand one to beat on with a spoon…and you'll let her, because you know she'll laugh while doing it. She'll be giggling and cooing…she might even be getting her first tooth. You won't be thinking about this night when everything in the world seemed wrong…you'll be thinking about her, her giggle and the way her eyes light up when she sees you; the slobbery kisses when you get home, the way she curls into you when she's sleepy. You'll be thinking about her first Thanksgiving, about how she'll be old enough to at least have some mashed potatoes and gravy…you'll be thinking about her first Christmas; how she'll be enthralled by the lights…helping her rip the wrapping paper off her presents. Tonight will be a distant memory…a bump in the road that you got past and every moment with her will be worth the fear and the worries and everything in between."

"When you talk about it like that, I can almost see her," Kate murmured.

"Close your eyes and see her," Johanna said softly; her fingertips brushing across Kate's forehead. "She's going to be beautiful…her hair will probably be curly like yours was when you were little."

"And yours," Kate whispered as her eyes closed.

"Yeah, like mine was too. She'll be into everything as soon as she gets moving…she'll be like her father in that respect."

She laughed softly. "Yeah; that would definitely be Castle's gene pool."

"She'll be smart," Johanna went on; "And adorable…spoiled rotten."

"By her grandparents?"

"It's only rumored; no concrete proof of it."

"Mhmm, I bet."

Johanna smiled. "She's going to be very loved…she's going to fill your world and make you feel a love you've never felt before. She's going to love you so much and you're going to love her more than anything."

Kate's hand gripped her mother's. "Mom?" she asked softly.

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry about the other day."

"I know, baby; it's okay…I'm sorry too. I didn't mean to hurt you and I surely didn't mean to imply the things you thought I did."

"I know…I was just being crazy," she said, her emotions surging forward once more. "I've been crazy for days…and I don't think it's just hormones."

Johanna nodded. "I figured that…I figure some of it is fear; things are changing and you're not sure how to feel about it; especially in regard to work."

"I'm being selfish," Kate stated.

"No; you're being human…and if I made you feel like you were being selfish, I'm sorry, it wasn't my intent. I only wanted to encourage you to think about what prolonging your stay in the field meant…because you do have a dangerous job…and as your mother, I worry about you constantly…and as a grandmother in waiting, I worry even more…you'll have to forgive me for that."

"I always do," her daughter replied.

She gave her hand a squeeze. "Tell me what it is about the changes in your work status that bothers you so much. What exactly will you be allowed to do besides paperwork?"

"I'll be able to work on cases…just not out in the field; I won't be allowed to make arrests…I probably won't be interrogating people in case they become volatile. When it comes to case work, I'll be able to look at evidence and search records and things like that."

"But you won't be out conducting searches and hunting for suspects?"

Kate nodded. "Yeah; I'll be taking a back seat and Ryan and Espo will be taking the wheel."

"What worries you the most about this?" Johanna asked. "What really bothers you about it?"

Kate breathed deeply, wincing a little as her ribs ached. "I'm afraid I'll be bored…I hate to be bored."

"I know the feeling; when I first left Roche and went in with Cathy and Mark; business was very slow for several months…you probably don't remember much of that time because you were just little; but I was home early a lot of times in those months. I loved having the extra time with you…but at work I was bored and it drove me crazy. I was used to be being way more busy and it was hard to be patient as I waited for things to pick up. I felt very sensitive about losing my position at Roche and your father started traveling more for work that same year so he wasn't there as much. It was a hard time…but eventually things picked up and everything worked out. Boredom is always temporary, sweetheart. It's annoying but it is temporary…and then you have moments when you're swamped and you think to yourself that you shouldn't have complained."

"I worry that being out of the field for so long will make me…I don't know the word for it," she said softly; "Like I won't be as good at it when I come back."

"I know that feeling too," Johanna replied. "Like I told you, Roche was very generous with maternity leave, much more generous than many employers of that time and I was glad to get ten weeks off with you…but I worried too that I would lose my edge, that I'd get back to work and wouldn't be as good at my job as I had been because I had been gone for awhile…and it was a little rough at first, not because I didn't still know how to do my job but because I was tired…and I wasn't used to being away from you and I missed you and had mommy guilt for leaving you even though you were perfectly fine with your grandmother. It also wasn't easy because I had to learn to balance with a baby in the picture. It took time to feel like I had it back together…but my first time back to court after having you, I won my case and I knew I still had what it took. It'll be the same way for you; a little hard at first but you'll find your balance and you'll get back in the swing of things."

"You think so?"

She smiled. "I know so."

Kate sniffed. "Gates will know now…she'll get a report because of me being hurt on the job…she's going to be pissed."

Johanna nodded. "I wouldn't doubt that…but maybe she'll give you a chance to explain why you were waiting."

"I don't think she's going to care why…all she's going to care about is the fast that I didn't tell her."

She took her hand and gave it a squeeze. "You're going to have to take your lumps for this one, Katie."

"I already have one on my head, shouldn't that count for something?"

Her mother laughed softly. "Your Captain might ask if it knocked sense into you…because I'm sure she is going to be a bit unhappy with you; and no, I don't like to say that. I don't want you to be in trouble at work."

"It's trouble of my own making though, isn't it?"

"Yes…but it's not the first time you've made your own trouble."

"I know," Kate said softly; "But this is different."

"It is," Johanna agreed. "You'll have to grin and bear the consequences…if I was you, I would keep those hormones reined in and take what gets dished out with an air of remorse and apology for leaving her out of the loop."

She nodded. "I'm going to have to take it."

"You are…what do you expect to happen? Will you just get a nice lecture or a few days suspension?"

"I don't know…I figure I'm probably going to be off for a few days because of this…so she might just lecture me…and possibly go ahead and put me on desk duty."

"How are you going to feel about that if she does?"

Kate took a breath. "I still hate the thought of it…but it'll be what's best. I don't want to put my baby in jeopardy…like I already have…if she doesn't stay fine, I…"

"No," Johanna said as her daughter's voice cracked. "No; don't go thinking that way. She's going to be fine."

Kate's fingers squeezed her mother's hand. "You won't leave, will you?" she asked tearfully.

"No, sweetheart; I'm not going anywhere until you're cleared to go home," she promised.

"What if I haven't been discharged before you have to go to work?"

"I'll post assignments online and cancel my classes," Johanna remarked; "It won't be a problem."

"You'd do that?"

"Of course I would; you should know that…I've walked out of work for you many times; you know that. It's what mothers do, Katie. As long as you're here, I'm here. When Rick gets to take you home, I'll go home…or go to work; but I promise you that if you're home in time for me to go to work, my phone will be on, I won't put it on silent, so if you need me, all you have to do is call or have Rick call and I'll be there, okay?"

"Okay," she replied, feeling slightly better about things…but she wished for more confidence when it came to the fate of her baby.

---

Later on, the doctor had come into Kate's room to check her once more for signs of concussion. "I want to know how my baby is," she said when he finished.

The doctor sighed deeply. "I've told you that the fetus was fine when it was checked."

Kate's jaw tightened. "It's not a fetus, it's my baby."

"Medically speaking, it's a fetus," the doctor said impatiently; "And whatever you want to call it doesn't change the fact that I've already told you three times that it's fine. I don't know what you want us to do; we can't do anything when nothing is wrong with it. You need to relax and not be a hysterical female. If something is wrong, you'll be the first to know it…and there's nothing I can do to prevent miscarriage if it's bound to happen so worrying about it isn't doing you any good. If you had been more careful, you wouldn't have to worry about the fetus and you wouldn't be here."

Anger flooded Johanna's body as she saw the tears pool in Kate's eyes. "I didn't know a woman could predict when she was going to have an accident," she snapped. "I didn't know we had the ability to stop those accidents on the spot. You, sir, need to understand that this is her first baby and she's worried about her child as any mother would be. You tell her to relax and not be hysterical while you're standing there acting like a sanctimonious jackass who has forgotten that doctors are supposed to offer compassion and understanding; not a cold hearted sentiment that if your pregnancy ends too bad for you and it must be your fault. How dare you treat her that way?!"

"She's getting treated that way because we're tired of her hysterics and demands," the doctor retorted. "She's been bawling since she was wheeled in here and has made it plain that she doesn't think we're doing enough to accommodate her."

"If you can't handle a patient being upset about her baby and the ramifications an injury can pose to her pregnancy, then you need to get out of the business. I've been in here with her for the past two hours and when the nurses have come in, she has not been demanding. She merely asks questions which is her right. She's been hurt and she's worried about her child; she's allowed to cry; it doesn't give you any right to treat her like garbage."

"And just who are you?" the doctor snapped.

"I'm her mother," Johanna said, her gaze cool and her chin jutting up a notch as she kept her eyes pinned on him; "And that baby that you don't give a damn about is my grandchild…and in my spare time, I'm her lawyer. My husband, her father, is also a lawyer and he's right outside in the waiting room."

"Are you threatening me somehow?" he demanded to know.

"No; I'm just putting you on notice," she retorted; "And I'm going to speak to my son-in-law and ask him to find another doctor; one that can give my daughter the reassurance and compassion that she needs from a medical professional. Now get the hell out of her room and don't come back."

The doctor stormed out of the room and Johanna gave her attention to Kate. "Katie; I'm going to go out and talk to Rick and have him ask for a different doctor to tend to you. I'll only be a minute; will you be okay?"

"Tell him I don't trust that doctor," she cried. "He doesn't care about the baby…he didn't even let me see the screen when he did the sonogram…what if something is wrong and he's not saying because there's nothing that can be done anyway?"

"Then he's going to have a lawsuit slapped on him come morning," Johanna replied; "But don't think the worst; I'm sure the baby is fine; you haven't had any pain or bleeding so that's a good sign but we're going to get you another doctor who can ease your mind and not act like an ass toward you, okay? Will you be fine for a minute?"

"I'll be okay," Kate told her. "Go tell Rick to get someone else."

Johanna kissed her forehead. "I'll be right back," she told her before leaving the room.

"Rick," Johanna said as she stepped out of Katie's room and drifted toward the waiting room, catching sight of the doctor as he stood up the hallway at the nurses station.

Castle and Jim surged to their feet, meeting her in the hallway. "What's wrong?" Castle asked.

"You need to demand another doctor," she told him; "Because that idiot just treated my daughter like trash and I'm not going to stand for it. I had Katie calmed down and then he's in there making his smart ass comments and has her upset again. She told me to tell you that she doesn't trust him; she wants someone else."

"What happened?" Jim asked; "What did he say?"

Johanna explained the situation, seeing the anger flick across both men's faces. "While we all know it's true that there probably couldn't be anything done if something went wrong with the baby," she said softly; "He didn't need to say it to her like that; he didn't need to make degrading comments about her being a hysterical, demanding woman and then blame her for what happened because she wasn't 'careful enough'. Katie's all upset again, she brought up that he wouldn't let her see the screen during the sonogram so now she's afraid he was lying to her. She needs another doctor, Rick; one that can give her a second opinion and assure her that the baby is fine."

"You know, I thought the guy was a jerk when we first came in," Castle stated; "She was crying and wanted me with her during the sonogram and he wouldn't let me go in. I thought I was just seeing him as a major league jerk because I was on edge but now that you've seen it too, I know it isn't just me; so please go back in there, calm her down again and tell her that I'm finding someone else and I'll be in as soon as I know another doctor is on the way."

"Alright," Johanna replied; "Knowing you're taking care of it should help calm her. Jim, go with him in case he needs a law degree to throw around."

Jim smiled. "I already intended to, sweetheart; I'll throw yours too if need be. Tell Katie I'll be in to see her too once things are taken care of with this situation."

"I'll tell her," she stated; "Go take care of it; I'll go take care of her."

"We're on it," Castle stated as he and Jim headed down the hallway.

---

Johanna returned to Kate's room and made her way back to her bed. "Rick's taking care of the doctor situation right now," she told her as their eyes met. "Your father has gone with him in case he needs law degree leverage. They'll both be in once they have another doctor on the way."

"Okay," Kate said as she sniffed a little.

"It's going to be alright, Katie," she promised for what felt like the hundredth time.

"Is Rick mad?"

"At you? No. At the doctor; yes…he hasn't liked him all along but thought he felt that way because he was worried and on edge; he didn't hesitate."

"He doesn't think I'm being crazy?"

"No, sweetheart; not at all. He's going to take care of it. Try and calm down again…have you thought about names yet?" she asked; hoping to distract her with better topics about the baby.

"No, not really…I have said no to naming it Cosmo though."

"Cosmo?!" Johanna exclaimed.

"Yeah; my husband thinks that's a cute name."

"He's mistaken."

Kate nodded. "That's what I told him."

"What girls names do you like?"

"I don't really know…I've never really thought about it a lot and I know I need to. I kind of like Ava…but I don't think Ava Castle sounds good together."

"Ava is a cute name," Johanna agreed. "Maybe it would sound better with the middle name."

"I'm not sure what name would fit with Ava as a middle name; that seems like a hard name to work with. I like Sophia, especially because of great grandma…but that name has gained popularity in the past few years and I want something that isn't used a lot but also isn't weird."

Johanna nodded. "I get that; Sophia would be nice but you're right, it is used a lot right now…as is Emily and Emma."

"Yeah; those are definitely out. Olivia is nice."

"You can't use Olivia; your cousin Danny's one daughter is named Olivia."

"Oh, yeah; I almost forgot about that," Kate replied. "I've got so many cousins that a lot of names are out of contention."

Johanna laughed softly. "You should've heard your father and I discussing names for you…we had to list all the names it couldn't be first."

"I thought you always wanted it to be Katherine."

"I did; but I was open to other names if there was something your father liked better…but he vetoed every one I named and stuck to wanting it to be Katherine too."

She smiled a little. "What names did you offer?"

"Nicole, Michelle, Amy…he didn't like any of those. He offered up Ashley, Heather and Courtney and I wasn't a fan of those."

Kate smiled. "Thank you for not making me the tenth Ashley in my class at school."

"You're welcome," Johanna replied with a grin. "I'm sure I spared you from being the fifth Heather too."

"Yeah; you did; I appreciate it."

"What about boys names?" her mother asked; "What do you like for a boy?"

"Mostly names that my cousins have already taken," she admitted. "I like Landen though…it's a bit different; I've heard kids named that but not as much as Matthew, Liam, and Jacob."

"Landen is cute; it's different but not outlandish."

"I like Caleb too," Kate said, a small smile tugging at her lips; "But I can tell by the look on your face that you don't."

Johanna laughed softly. "It doesn't matter if I like it or not, if that's the name you choose, that's the one you felt was right."

"I want to find a name that Rick and I both like but that our families like too," Kate replied. "What do you think of Dakota?"

"I'm sure it's a nice state; both North and South," Johanna remarked.

Her daughter laughed softly. "Not a fan?"

"No, not really…I like Shawn though…I thought of Shawn for you if you had been a boy but your father didn't like it as much as I did."

Kate pondered it for a moment. "Shawn's not bad…I don't think I like it as much as Landen but I do like it enough to consider it."

"I have to admit; Landen's growing on me for when you have a boy," her mother stated.

She smiled. "You're just determined that this one is a girl."

"She is; even you have been calling her a girl…and I like Grace…just for the record."

"I'll keep that in mind," Kate said as she took a breath, feeling the familiar sensation of nausea."

"Are you okay?" Johanna asked.

"I feel nauseated."

"Morning sickness nausea or head injury kind of sick?"

"It feels more like I do when morning sickness strikes…this is usually about the time of night it happens."

She nodded. "Okay; let me go ask the nurse if she can get you some ginger ale and some crackers; we'll see if we can hold it off…because your ribs are going to hurt like hell if you have to throw up, sweetheart."

"I know…I'm not looking forward to the pain."

Johanna left the room and approached an older woman who had been kinder than the others at the nurses station and asked for the ginger ale and crackers. The nurse promised to be in momentarily and she returned to her daughter's side; wondering where Jim and Rick had gone and what was happening but she wouldn't mention it to Kate; they'd be along once they had matters resolved.

She struck up some small talk while trying to help keep her daughter's mind off her queasy stomach but she knew it wasn't going so well. "Take a few breaths, Katie," she coaxed.

The door of the room opened and the nurse slipped inside carrying a pack of crackers and a Styrofoam cup containing ice and Ginger Ale. "Here you go, honey," she said as she handed Kate the cup. "Go ahead and take a sip and then I'll have to check you for signs of concussion; I know you're getting tired of that but with you being nauseous I have to even though you're pregnant."

"I understand," Kate said after swallowing a sip of her drink.

The nurse shined the light in her eyes and questioned her about any other symptoms that might hint at a concussion. "Do you usually have morning sickness in the evening?" she asked once she finished questioning about concussion related symptoms.

"Yes; the majority of it hits me at night," she replied; "It's usually around this time."

The nurse smiled. "You still don't show any signs of a concussion and if this is the normal time that you usually feel morning sickness coming on, then I'm sure that's all it is. Drink your Ginger Ale and eat your crackers; if you need more, let me know and I'll bring it in. I'll be back to check on you in a little while."

"Thank you," Kate told her.

Johanna opened the pack of crackers and held one out to her daughter. "Eat."

Kate nodded and took the cracker. "Do you think it's a good sign if I'm having morning sickness?"

"Yes, I do," she said honestly. "I think it's a very good sign. Hopefully we'll get a new doctor in here soon and he or she will recheck everything and you'll feel more assured."

"I hope so," Kate said quietly. "I just want to know the baby is really okay and go home."

"It won't be long, honey; we'll get you home," Johanna promised; it was going to be a long night, but she prayed it would have the outcome they all wanted.

…to be continued