Hi good people, sorry for the two month hiatus. Holidays are busy and we've been dealing with flu, strep and other fun bugs. This chapter was also difficult to write. There may be delays between chapters but I promise I won't give up on this story, I have a clear timeline in mind that I intend to see through to the end.
NOTES: Please don't be alarmed by this chapter, this is NOT a Tuckson fic. Tuckson friendship only, I added the tuckson scene purely out of self indulgence because I love them and I want them to be buddies by the time I bring Elliot back because I love Jelliot. Also, I do not have a beta reader, I just read and edit like 7 times. Please ignore typos!
TW: mentions/flashbacks of sexual violence, pregnancy topics, therapy, abandonment, comments regarding suicide, depression, violent crimes, William Lewis and everything terrible that he says/does.
April 1st 2013 - the apartment of Detective Olivia Benson - 1pm
Olivia was depressed.
Her initial grief and anxiety from the warehouse had shifted into excitement about her baby which then morphed into loneliness and then very abruptly settled into a depression that she couldn't seem to shake. On top of being pregnant, tired and burnt out from the job, she battled with a heavy, numbing sadness and a disinterest in everything which used to bring her joy.
Work wasn't the escape that it had once been for Olivia. The energy in their unit had changed. Maybe it was because she had changed, she wasn't sure. But things were different - bad different. Sometimes Nick looked at her with a solemn, knowing look in his eyes, like he could see into her heart and see her pain. His gaze made her feel naked. Munch spoke much too softly and Cragen had a permanent worry line between his brows and Fin joked less and Amanda avoided eye contact. She knew they walked on eggshells around her. She didn't know how to fix it.
It occurred to her more than once that she could tell Lindstrom that she was feeling depressed, that maybe he could help her. He'd helped a great deal with her PTSD but she worried how he might interpret her words if she admitted her struggles, if he might deem her a danger to herself or others on the job. She was too paranoid to take any chances after everything else that she'd endured. The last thing she needed in her file after the Compton debacle was the brass thinking she might eat her gun.
Instead of getting help for herself, she swallowed the feelings down and went to work everyday and tried to pretend that her life wasn't devastatingly unrecognizable.
She tried to pretend that she didn't spend most of her time missing Elliot.
More than anything, she tried to pretend that Elliot's absence wasn't the entire reason that she felt so low.
Despite her determination to put him behind her and only focus on her baby and her pregnancy, she couldn't get him out of her head. How could she focus solely on the baby when the baby's entire existence was wrapped up in Elliot and the gaping hole he'd left in her life?
She tried so hard to find joy in thinking of the life she was growing, but her mind would wander to him if she thought too long. She'd start to wonder what their child would look like, who the child would look like, then she would picture Elliot's face and that familiar grief would envelope her in an unwanted hug. She'd see him sometimes in her dreams - cradling their little one in his arms, holding the infant's small head in a big calloused hand and looking up at her with awe and joy and love. She'd wake up with a sickening longing which would sit heavy in her chest for days after.
She missed so many things about him, big and small. She missed his warm greetings in the mornings, the days where he'd casually set a hot coffee and bagel on her desk and offer a small smile or a wink rather than words. They never had to speak to communicate, their eyes could hold entire conversations. She missed the easy camaraderie. She missed the security and fearlessness that his presence gave her, the knowledge that she was safe and secure as long as he had her six. She missed his righteous anger toward perps, the way he used to rage for their vics like they were his own kin.
The list went on and on and on like a mantra in her head all day and all night, just a million little things she missed about Elliot Stabler, a million little gestures that made her feel like a person who was loved… until he vanished like he'd never been there at all, leaving her with only a few photos she hid away, a small box containing items from his desk and locker, his 6th child growing in her womb, and a fierce, aching, painful love that burned her up from the inside out.
The love was the worst part. She'd always cared about Elliot, always loved him in a closed off, forbidden, unspoken way which she could never act upon or speak aloud. Her feelings were born out of countless hours spent together, blood they'd shed for one another, a mutual respect and willingness to sacrifice their lives for each other. That love was steady and timeless and she knew he felt it too, way deep down underneath the layers of Catholic guilt and repression.
The new love she felt for him was different, worse. It was born out of a cocktail of pregnancy hormones, a shared trauma they'd never been able to discuss and the grief of missing him constantly. The love was heavy and made her sick with longing and guilt and desire for things she'd never be able to put into words. She loved him more than ever and hated him for leaving her and she realized that missing him was causing 99% of her depressed feelings. She needed a break to work through it, to mourn him like he was dead so she could move on with her life.
That is how she ended up sideways on her couch with a bag of Fritos balanced precariously on her belly, watching soaps she didn't really care about and crying about Elliot instead of being at work.
After placing an early call to Cragen with the weak excuse of, "I'm sick, I'll be back tomorrow", Olivia settled in to feel her pain and get it out of her system.
The feat was easier said than done. Olivia wasn't great at having free time. She couldn't seem to stay awake.
First she watched the morning news and cried into a lukewarm cup of rooibos tea, then dozed off on the couch for an hour. Barely conscious, she watched Maury, then the Price is Right, then dozed again. By 1pm, her back was sore from the couch, her eyes hurt from crying and she was disinterested in TV. She dragged herself off of the couch and headed to her bedroom, resolved to sleep somewhere more comfortable.
Before she could settle into the blankets, three loud knocks echoed through her home.
I'm not going to answer, she thought, they'll give up eventually. Three more slightly louder knocks followed.
"Benson, open the door," a gruff voice called from the hallway, "I'll break it down if I have to."
"Jesus christ," she grumbled, trudging to the door and throwing it open unceremoniously to reveal the identity of her uninvited guest, "What can you possibly need from me at my home on a Monday afternoon, Lieutenant Tucker?"
The man merely raised his eyebrows and looked her quickly up and down before replying, "You look rough. Can I come in?"
She almost laughed at the audacity and shook her head, closing the door with both hands as she told him to go to Hell.
His hand shot out and pushed the door back slightly. Before she could protest, he lifted up a bag that she hadn't noticed before and said, "Peace offering. It's a chicken caesar salad wrap and sweet potato fries."
Her brows shot up in surprise and she scoffed, "You honestly think you can win me over with food just because I'm pregnant?"
He smirked at her and put his foot out to once again stop her from closing the door in his face, "I have it on good authority that this is your favorite lunch these days. I think you should let me in so you can have it."
Now that he'd mentioned the food, she wanted it badly. She just didn't want the Tucker that was attached to it.
She huffed out a small frustrated breath and backed out of the doorway, opening her space to him wordlessly. He took 3 steps into her living room before she snatched the bag out of his hand and walked to her kitchen, muttering a 'thanks' to the man. She wasn't that hungry before he showed up but the smell of the food and the mention of her favorite lunch had her suddenly ravenous.
She set the bag on the counter and pulled out the takeout container, not sparing a second to plate the meal or sit down before popping the lid and shoving a few fries into her mouth. Before she could swallow them, she shoved in 3 more fries and chewed them quickly.
"Hungry?" Tucker questioned, still standing awkwardly near her front door.
She swallowed the fries and crossed her arms over herself protectively, sighing, "Why are you here, Tucker? Should I call my union rep?"
He looked at her bewilderedly and challenged, "You really think I would bring you lunch if I came here to interrogate you?"
She shrugged and grabbed her meal off the counter, walking to her couch and motioning for him to follow, "maybe not, but I can't honestly think of another reason why you would be here at all. You did arrest me once."
He sat down on the cushion furthest from her and put his hands on his knees, clearly uncomfortable with their proximity. "I had to stop by the 1-6, Cragen mentioned you were out and Tutuola was supposed to check on you but something came up. I volunteered."
Olivia raised a brow and took a big bite of her wrap. There was no reality where Tucker volunteered to bring her food and check on her at home. They'd been on better terms since the warehouse incident, she didn't actively despise him like she had before, but she still didn't trust him. She was skeptical of the motivations behind his kindness.
"You wanna slow down so you don't choke to death? I know the Heimlich but it'll probably squish your kid or something." He remarked dryly.
She laughed in response and immediately started coughing, a small piece of fry going down the wrong tube.
"Oh Christ, see what I mean? Do you need a drink or something?" He started to stand up from the couch and she grabbed his arm, pulling him back down to sitting. She coughed a few more times and shook her head, giving the incredulous man a small thumbs up and putting another fry in her mouth.
"You want a coke?" She asked him, pulling herself up from the couch with slight difficulty and shooting him a look that said he should shut up about it.
"Yeah, sure. Could have grabbed it myself when I offered to get you one 5 seconds ago." He replied.
"What kind of hostess would I be if I didn't get my uninvited guest a drink?" she deadpanned.
"Good point." He laughed, relaxing slightly.
The banter between them was probably more comfortable than it should have been given the circumstances. Tucker was someone she was fundamentally supposed to hate - had hated, vehemently - for years. Perhaps her willingness to let down some of her walls with him was another testament to how things had changed in her since the warehouse.
Some walls were down, some were higher than ever.
She grabbed their drinks from her refrigerator as well as a bottle of ketchup, a bottle of barbecue sauce and a bottle of Thousand Island dressing. Tucker watched in amusement as she set the items down on the coffee table and handed him a cold can of Coca Cola.
"Thanks," He popped the top and took a long swig, eyeing her as she settled back in and squirted each of the condiments onto her plate before resuming her meal.
Olivia dipped several fries into thousand island dressing, then ketchup, then barbecue sauce before popping them into her mouth. Tucker's disgusted expression made her roll her eyes. "Don't judge me, you have no idea the power this kid has over my appetite. I'll probably throw this up later."
He laughed gruffly and sipped his drink, "Not judging you. I know how pregnant women eat. My sister has 3 kids."
"Ah, pregnancy expert Uncle Tucker."
"Uncle Eddie is what they call me," he corrected.
"Even better," she laughed.
They settled into a slightly awkward silence while she finished her meal. She wasn't entirely sure why Tucker was still in her home but found she didn't mind his company much as long as he wasn't talking about work or interrogating her. There was something vaguely comforting about the man, something familiar in his blue eyes.
She finished her lunch and leaned back lazily on her couch, turning toward her guest to start her inquisition, "why did you volunteer to come here? I took a sick day, I'm not dying."
"Someone from your squad would have come by if I hadn't," he replied with a shrug, "Kind of defeats the purpose of you staying home to avoid them, doesn't it?"
She looked away from him and pursed her lips before replying, "My squad is great. I'm not trying to avoid them, I'm sick.'
"I've seen the way they treat you lately. They're driving you nuts, all that concern and empathy." He retorted.
Irritation creeped up her spine and she breathed deeply through her nose to keep it away. She didn't want to snap at him but her temper could be short, "They're taking care of me, I'm grateful for them. Don't act like you know me, Tucker."
"Two things can be true at the same time. You can be grateful for them and still need a break." He replied.
"You think you know me well enough to know when I need a break? That's pretty presumptuous, even for you."
Tucker cleared his throat before pointedly saying, "I know enough, I know Stabler was the only person you ever let take care of you. I know you have no family… I've seen your file, Benson. It's my job to know. You expect me to believe that you don't find your coworkers overbearing after you've spent your entire life taking care of yourself?"
She recoiled at his words and stood up abruptly, motioning toward the door with a shaking hand, "Thanks for lunch, Tucker. I really need to get some rest now."
He stood up and gently put a hand on her arm to stop her from walking away. She resisted the urge to rip her arm out of his grasp, not wanting to be dramatic or show him how much he was under her skin. He could see through her and she hated it.
"Just hear me out for another second and I'll be out of your hair," Tucker said quietly, staring intensely into her eyes. Olivia found she couldn't tear her gaze away from him as he spoke, brown eyes locked on blue, "I know we've butted heads, Olivia, I'm not going to pretend that we're friends. But I do know you're a good cop and I've been concerned about you since the Compton case. That was rough. Then Stabler left and I hear that you're pregnant... It's a lot for a person to deal with."
"It is, but I'm fine." She replied flatly, her annoyance at him feeling more like sorrow the longer he spoke. She needed him out of her space, his concern made her itch, it was too heavy, too familiar, too much.
"Yeah, sure, you're completely fine. That's what you tell everyone," He sighed, straightening his posture and lowering his gaze, "I've done this job for a long time. I can read cops pretty well by now, I'm sure you can imagine." He cleared his throat and made a sweeping gesture in her direction, "I know what a depressed cop looks like, how they act, how they talk, how they are always completely fine… till they aren't."
"Oh you're a shrink now?" She asked sarcastically and pulled her arm out of his grip. Her words lacked the passion and venom she'd hoped to level at him. She was tired - just so goddamn tired - and his assessment had her spiraling. She wondered how truly transparent she was if even Tucker could read her like a goddamn book.
"I'm not trying to be your shrink, I'm trying to let you know that I see you and I'm concerned."
She backed away from him even more, rubbing both hands over her face to maintain the tenuous hold she had on her emotions. Tucker of all people was in her home, bringing her food, making her laugh, telling her he saw her and calling her out on all of the shit she was trying to hide from the world. It was too familiar, too reminiscent of Elliot. It felt to her that the universe was mocking her with a gruff, blue eyed doppelganger of her former partner.
"I'm not sure what you think you're seeing. I only took one day off. This intervention feels premature," she responded nonchalantly, trying to lighten the mood and ease his concerns enough to get him out of her space, "and you don't have to worry about me eating my gun, the baby isn't craving lead."
She watched his expression change from concern to disbelief before he choked out a laugh and said, "I'm going to pretend you didn't say that."
"Do whatever you need to do."
The two of them stared at one another for a tense moment before Olivia lowered her defenses an inch and broke eye contact. She let out a nervous breath and admitted, "I'm not going to do anything stupid. I did need a break. Just a day."
"You're human, Benson. You're allowed." He replied. The smile he offered her was warm and apologetic. He walked to the door and opened it to let himself out.
"If you need anything-"
"-thank you, Tucker," she interrupted, her voice quiet and sincere, "I mean it. And not just for the food." Their eyes locked again and he nodded in understanding.
"Anytime," he offered, walking through the threshold and turning around one last time to look at her, "and outside of work, it's Ed."
She nodded, "okay. Thank you, Ed."
/
April 19th 2013 - office of Dr. Diana Mareno OB/GYN - 2:30pm
"Shit, I'm going to be late." Olivia mumbled as Nick pulled the squad car crookedly into a spot near her OB/GYN's office, nearly driving up onto the curb. She scrambled for her purse and avoided eye contact with her partner.
"Or right on time." Nick offered with a smile, "You want-?"
"Thanks for the ride, Nick, I'll see you after." She interrupted and opened the door, using the grab handle to pull herself out of the car and shutting the door before Nick could say anything else.
They'd left the precinct late because she was distracted by a case and nearly forgot about her appointment, only remembering when Cragen sheepishly approached her desk and inquired about her 20 week ultrasound. She'd rushed out so quickly she tripped getting out of the elevator and Nick had to lunge to catch her and keep her upright.
She was off her game and embarrassed and on edge.
Dressed in a comfortable half sleeve maroon maternity dress that fell down to just below her knees, a knitted cream cardigan and her most comfortable pair of slip-ons, she felt every bit the expectant mother, blending in seamlessly with the rest of the women in the waiting room. She signed herself in and took a seat away from the rest of the women in the room, needing space to calm her nerves before they called her back to be seen.
She let her mind wander to Nick sitting out in the squad car by himself. Fin or Nick had driven her to every appointment for months. It was unspoken and understood between Cragen and the male detectives that Olivia would be transported by one of them every two weeks to the OB/GYN. She tried to argue against it the first few times but gave up and accepted the help once it was clear that they weren't yielding. It was cheaper than taking a taxi and she was about to be a single mom, she could use the extra funds.
Nick always offered to come in with her and Fin usually hinted that he was willing to if she asked. She'd never taken either of them up on it. For the first few appointments, she wanted to be alone. Listening to the doctor describe the many risks of having your first baby at 44 wasn't an experience she wanted to share with her friends. She'd been warned about chromosomal disorders, gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, stillbirth and a litany of other terrifying risks she and her baby were facing due to her "advanced maternal age".
Luckily for Olivia, the genetic tests had revealed no abnormalities, she did not have signs of gestational diabetes, her blood pressure was good considering her age, high stress job and recent trauma, and the baby was on track with all growth and developmental milestones. Though her pregnancy was going well, every appointment was still an opportunity for bad news and she didn't want to hear bad news with an audience. She didn't want them to have another reason to pity her.
Poor Olivia, pregnant from an assault and facing endless risks to her baby.
Poor Olivia, abandoned by Elliot with nobody to drive her to appointments.
Poor Olivia, a depressed single mother with no family.
Her rejection of their perceived pity was how she justified walking into each appointment alone, even though a huge part of her wanted someone with whom she could share the joys. She wanted someone to look over at during the ultrasound, someone who would smile with her and listen to the heartbeat and tell her that she'd be a great mom and make her believe it.
She denied herself that small comfort, like she'd denied herself most comforts in her lifetime.
Her refusals didn't stop them from offering and letting her know in their own way that she didn't have to be alone if she didn't want to be. They were trying more than ever to be there for her. Since she'd returned from her sick day, Nick started picking her up every morning and driving her home every night, she'd been relieved of on-call duties for the remainder of her pregnancy, there were fresh flowers in the squad room every few days that appeared out of nowhere, some calm piano music coming from Munch's radio at all times and healthy lunches that conveniently appeared on her desk everyday at noon. They were trying to make the squad room a happier place and take stress from her where they could.
Tucker's words came back to her often, I've seen the way they treat you lately. They're driving you nuts, all that concern and empathy.
He was right at the time, she'd felt suffocated, she hadn't allowed herself to fully accept their love and care and she'd let it bother her instead. Maybe she didn't think she deserved love.
She hoped her baby would grow up feeling loved and deserving of love. She rubbed her baby bump tenderly and closed her eyes, taking deep breaths in through her nose and trying to calm down her pre-appointment jitters. After a few moments of peaceful breathing, she sensed someone settling into the chair next to her and she internally scoffed. There were so many other places they could sit. Irritated at the person's lack of waiting room decorum, she opened her eyes to observe the encroacher only to see that it was Nick.
He gave her a toothy smile.
"What're you doing in here?" She asked him softly, surprised.
"I really wanted to see the little guy for myself. Figured you might throw me a bone and let me sit in on the ultrasound."
Tears stung at the back of her eyes and she blinked them back rapidly, touched and relieved that Nick took the initiative to join her. He'd understood somehow that she wanted the company without her having to say a word. She squeezed his arm and nodded.
"Little guy? What makes you think it's a boy?" She questioned him.
"I don't know for sure, just hoping. We've got a little betting pool going."
She laughed out loud and pushed his shoulder, "you've been betting on my kid? Who's in the pool?"
"Me, Fin, Munch, Amanda, Cap. $50 each, winners split the pot."
She rolled her eyes but there was no malice behind it. The fact that her captain even had some stake in the game was more entertaining than anything.
"Me, Munch and Amanda think it's a boy, Fin and Cragen bet girl."
"I would've bet girl to even out the pot," she remarked, "if I'd been invited."
His mouth dropped open in surprise, "Sorry Liv, we-"
"I'm kidding, Nick. It's okay. I wouldn't want to bet on the sex, maybe the due date though." She replied cheekily.
He visibly relaxed for the rest of their wait. A few more minutes of small talk passed between them before she was called back into the exam room. Nick waited in the hallway during the pelvic but was invited in to observe the ultrasound. He stood to her left and Olivia didn't fight him when he grabbed her hand and held it. His hand was warm and comforting.
The ultrasound technician was a very perky 20-something who talked a mile a minute and, at the sight of Nick, immediately exclaimed that she was, "very happy to see daddy" at the appointment. Olivia politely informed the woman that Nick was just a friend and that she should not expect to see the baby's father at any future appointments. A beat of awkwardness passed between the three of them as the younger woman apologized quietly and squirted gel onto Olivia's abdomen.
And just like that, Elliot's absence was again the most profound part of her experience.
That angered her, it felt like he was stealing something from her with his absence, ruining parts of her pregnancy when he didn't even know it existed. It was a testament to the power that he still had over her and she wanted to fight against it.
"I'd like to know if the baby is a boy or girl, I know I said I wanted to wait but," she squeezed Nick's hand and smiled, "I think we've all waited long enough."
Nick squeezed back, beaming at her.
The tech relaxed a bit and nodded cheerily at Olivia as she moved the wand around on her belly. Olivia crushed Nick's hand nervously in hers, feeling restless with every second that passed. They both hyper focused on the screen and the black and white blobs, trying to see anything that resembled a baby.
Finally, the tech grinned and pointed at the screen.
"Your little one is a girl, mama. Congratulations."
Olivia gasped and covered her mouth with her free hand, tears pricking at the corners of her eyes. In 20 weeks or less, she'd have a sweet little girl to love for the rest of her life. It was more than she'd ever dared to hope for.
A healthy daughter, her daughter, her only family.
For a beat, Olivia wondered if Nick might be disappointed to lose his bet. She turned to look at him and caught a lone tear streaking down his face. She chuckled and reached over to wipe it with her sleeve, "you getting soft on me, partner? Or crying because you lost $50?"
He gripped her hand a little tighter and replied quietly, "Just happy for you, Liv. That's all."
"I'm happy, too." She replied.
Sitting in the doctor's office with her close friend and feeling the pure joy of learning that her baby would be a girl, she found that she meant it. She felt truly happy.
If only it could last.
/
She entered her 22nd week of pregnancy on April 27th, 2013. The week was calm. Her lingering sadness ebbed and flowed but she went to work everyday and allowed the good parts of life to warm her. She let Nick tell the squad about her baby's gender. She relished in the excitement on their faces as they absorbed the news. Even Rollins looked pleased, despite losing $50. Olivia watched Fin smugly collect the pot, bragging "Told you all, I knew it was a girl the whole damn time." She rolled her eyes as he cockily walked half of the winnings over to their captain. The next day, a stroller was delivered to her apartment along with several days of groceries, no sender details. When she asked Cragen about it, he smiled and winked.
Her 23rd week started on May 4th, 2013. She started converting her second bedroom into a nursery, opting for a periwinkle and cloud grey color scheme. Nick and Barba painted the room for her while Fin took her out to lunch to keep her away from the fumes. Cragen suggested she start a baby registry and she caved at his gentle insistence. Within 3 days of finishing the registry, most of the items were purchased for her thanks to a discrete email chain started by her captain. To her surprise, a crib was delivered with a card signed by the newly appointed Hostage Negotiation Team's Captain Tucker. People rallied around her. As her daughter's little nursery came together and her bump grew and the kicks felt stronger by the day, she felt a sort of peace and acceptance wash over her soul. She could visualize her sweet little swaddled baby and feel a longing that didn't hurt at all. She still missed Elliot, but not as deeply and not as often.
Week 24 started like any other. She spent Saturday the 11th of May sorting through some of the baby items that had been delivered over the previous weeks. She washed all of the baby clothes she'd accumulated and folded them, tucking them into the drawers of the changing table dresser - tiny little garments with cute animals and sayings like, "momma's miracle" on the front. She found herself nearly in tears the entire time as she pictured her daughter wearing the clothes. She was grateful. The night of the 11th ended in front of the TV with Olivia working on a long list of thank-you cards and preparing for a quiet Sunday.
It wasn't quiet at all.
On Sunday the 12th of May, Rollins called everyone into the precinct, insisting that the flasher she'd arrested in the park was much worse than just a flasher. Nick picked Olivia up on his way and she nearly fell asleep on the drive. She hadn't slept much the night before, tossing and turning with a backache. She was irritable about being called in and it was going to be a struggle not to snap at Amanda for her intuition.
Once everyone assembled at the 1-6, Rollins and Fin grilled the perp while Olivia and Amaro searched databases to dig up information on the man with no fingerprints. After the interview, Fin escorted William Lewis in cuffs to holding for the night so he could be arraigned in the morning. Olivia looked up from her desk as he passed by and his eyes locked on hers. The smirk he gave her made her blood run cold.
"A pregnant detective, don't see that every day." Lewis jeered. Fin jostled the man and pulled him out of Olivia's line of sight, telling him to shut up or he'd shut him up.
After he was gone, the hairs on the back of her neck stood straight up for almost an hour. Rollins was right, Olivia's own intuition was now screaming at her that something was very wrong with William Lewis.
The following day, Lewis declined a plea deal and was released from custody pending trial. Unbeknownst to the fine detectives at Manhattan SVU, he left with a vendetta. He hunted down the witness from the park flashing incident and tortured her in her home for 18 hours. He was captured and arrested again. Fin and Amanda tried to question him but he wasn't giving an inch. He swore he was willing to provide information but he wanted to tell the pregnant one.
They were at a standstill.
"I'm not cool with this. He's fixated on Liv and we're gonna use her as bait to get a confession?" Fin questioned indignantly, "I've got a bad feeling about this. She's pregnant, she's not supposed to be around perps."
"I'll be fine, Fin. Nick will be in the room, he's not going to let Lewis do anything. We need him to cop to this. He can't get away with what he did to Alice." Olivia pressed. She'd do just about anything to lock Lewis up at this point.
"I don't feel good about it either, but she's right. We need his confession. Olivia, Nick, go in there in 5. Amaro, you keep him away from Olivia, sit between them and keep him cuffed." Cragen instructed.
He had a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach for the rest of the day.
Nick wasn't happy with the idea either, but recognized that his partner and captain were right, Lewis had to go away. He was too dangerous. He and Olivia walked into the interrogation room ready to say and do what needed to be said and done.
Choosing to exploit the fact that Lewis was fascinated with her status as a pregnant cop, she waddled into the interrogation room with one hand resting on her baby bump. Lewis couldn't tear his eyes away from her and that had Nick on edge. She could hear Elliot's voice in her head, What are you doing, Liv? Don't use our baby to get a confession out of this piece of shit. Don't use yourself as bait.
She felt guilty about it for days. And it wasn't even worth it in the end.
Sure, Lewis confessed in graphic detail to burning, raping and tormenting their witness, Alice Parker. Then he framed the entire thing as hypothetical once his attorney was present, making the confession unusable.
That night, Olivia threw up twice after dinner and slept with all of the lights on in her apartment, waking up with PTSD nightmares of the warehouse every few hours. Something about Lewis had dredged up her own trauma in a big way.
The rest of the week was chaotic. The case was taking a toll on all of them but was harder on her than the rest. She was exhausted, taking power naps in the cribs as necessary but never feeling rested. She could barely remember what day it was.
The flowers in the squad room were wilted and starting to stink.
While the squad spent most of their time looking for ways to nail him to the wall, Lewis tried every trick in the book to make the process harder. He attempted suicide in custody, dodged a line up, declined another plea deal. It was one thing after another. Every update had Olivia spinning. Her PTSD was rampant at night and her body ached in the mornings from thrashing around with nightmares. She checked her blood pressure every 6 hours and used the heart rate doppler to check her baby's heartbeat at least twice a day. She was afraid the stress would send her into preterm labor. She needed Lewis gone.
Details of the man's sordid past were finally uncovered. Rapes and murders going back as far as the 90's, fake names and the greatest streak of luck a scumbag could ever ask for. The depth of his sociopathy was revealed through his records and the squad's desire to see him locked up went from determined to obsessive.
Then, Alice Parker died from her injuries.
More luck for Lewis.
He rejected yet another plea deal, the lab screwed up the DNA and a mistrial was declared.
Olivia worked through the weekend and woke up 5 times a night in a pool of sweat.
The 25th week of her pregnancy started badly and only got worse.
On the 21st of May, Lewis was released on bail. Olivia sat quietly at her desk in the aftermath of his release, trying to shake the exhaustion and rage she felt at the monster reentering society after raping an old woman to death. The fact that men like Lewis could walk the streets, the same streets she would soon walk with her daughter, made her blood run cold. She knew better than anyone how dangerous the world was, but Lewis was a different kind of dangerous and evil. He was the worst she'd ever seen. Worse than Compton even.
She was beyond exhausted and couldn't keep her eyes open at her desk. She'd drift off for a few seconds before her body jolted her awake.
"Olivia, you've fallen asleep 4 times since we left court. Go home and get some rest. You've done more than your fair share this week," Cragen instructed from his office.
She shook her head and straightened herself up, trying to appear more alert. "Cap, I'm fine. I need to save my time off for maternity leave."
"It's taken care of, you'll be paid. Take the next two days, we'll see you Thursday after your appointment. Fin will pick you up."
"Cap-" she began to argue but her boss cut her off.
"Olivia, it's an order. If you show up here, I'll have you arrested," he asserted, though his words lacked any real threat. She understood that he was looking out for her and her baby. She'd barely slept in over a week and she needed a few days to rest up and take care of herself. She was too tired to argue it further.
Nick dropped her off at the curb of her apartment building and told her to call if she needed anything.
"Take these days to rest up, Liv. Nobody's gonna bother you until Thursday. Just try to remember to eat." He lectured her tenderly.
"Yes, mom." She laughed, "I'll eat. See you Thursday."
She watched him pull off and headed inside, fantasizing on the way about putting her feet up and sleeping for 12 hours.
She was so focused on getting to the couch that she didn't hear the noise when she entered her home and shut the door behind her.
Within seconds, the cold metal of a gun was against her forehead and the voice of William Lewis filled her ears, "Welcome home, Detective Benson."
I know. It's bad. But if it makes you feel better, Elliot will be featured in the next chapter, we'll get to see what he's been up to for the last 6 months. Very excited to write that for y'all. Please comment if you are so inclined, I reply to every comment. Thank you!