once upon a fucking time, the stupid ass fanfic critic was angrily getting ready to read another 'awful' fanfic. she ranted to herself about how fanfics that are edgy and gross are evil and the people who write them should be killed. he picked her nose while she was ranting about this garbage. but then, the lights turned out, and fanfic critic went to sleep!
when fanfic critic woke up, she was strapped to her chair! she saw that crazy evil character, tingle from the zelda games, greet her! she screamed and told tingle he was a terrible character because everyone on the internet hates him so she hates him too and how he deserves to die for zelda fans not liking him and all that repetitive crap you've heard thousands of times before. tingle giggled and said he was going to do nothing to the fanfic critic, however, he was going to force her to watch a little 'show.' tingle used his magic powers to disappear, and a television screen appeared before the fanfic critic.
the television screen was actually connected to a magical camera being handled by that cloud creature from mario 64 i can't be bothered to look up the name of. he was recording a live event for the fanfic critic to watch from the tv in front of her.
the mario 64 camera creature went down to film a forest. donkey kong, the great ape, was playing with his poop when he saw link playing with his ocarina. the ocarina noises were really annoying, and made donkey kong angry! link played the ocarina so bad, that blood poured out of donkey kong's ears, causing him to go mad like no ape has ever gone mad before! donkey kong used his gorilla strength to run towards link. link screamed but he was too much of a wussy pussy to run away from donkey kong. donkey kong took link and tore his whole body in half in one stretch! then, donkey kong shoved the ocarina up the ass of the one half of link's corpse as his dying farts played much nicer sounds on the ocarina than he did before donkey kong ripped him in half. donkey kong clapped with his poopy covered hands happily for not only his accomplishment of killing link, but also how much better the ocarina sounds were coming from link's corpse's farts.
princess zelda saw this and was horrified! she tried run away like the dumb bitch she is, but donkey kong used his lazer vision to shrink zelda into the size of an action figure. donkey kong trapped her in a jar before she could escape. donkey kong then swang on some vines to go back to his home in the jungle and took the jar with zelda in it with him.
fanfic critic yelled and screamed that she didn't like where this story was going, but she couldnt break free from the chair she was stuck in, and she had to keep watching the television.
donkey kong went to his hut in the jungle. he put the jar with zelda in it on a table. he opened the jar, but immediately after he poured glue on zelda to make sure she could escape out of the jar to keep her stuck there. then, donkey kong finally knew it was potty time. donkey kong shat diarrhea all inside the jar with zelda in it! zelda was drowned in donkey kong's ape poop as donkey kong flourished the jar with his feces. zelda swam in the poop as donkey kong kept pooping and pooping and pooping.
fanfic critic screamed and roared like an angry animal as she watched this 'horrific' scene.
when donkey kong was done pooping on zelda, he took her and bit her fucking head off like she was candy! donkey kong chewed and chewed on zelda's head as blood drooled out from his mouth as he took more greedy bites off from zelda's corpse. when zelda was completely devoured by donkey kong, he was a very happy monkey! he clapped his hands and made happy ape noises!
fanfic critic yelled about how 'poor' zelda was eaten by that 'evil' donkey kong.
donkey kong then had to poop again! but this time, he knew the poop was the remains of the princess he had just eaten. donkey kong pooped the remains of princess zelda on the floor. then he collected the feces that was once zelda, put it in a jar, and took it to the museum of stupid things. the museum of stupid things preserved the poopy remains of zelda in their section of hyrulian items in their museum, which was a bunch of items collected from the remnants of hyrule. the poop that used to be princess zelda was proudly displayed for all visitors to witness in awe.
the rope that kept fanfic critic strapped to the chair, suddenly, magically, disappeared, and she was free. she was about to run over the television to smash it, but it too magically disappeared as well. fanfic critic roared in anger about the horror she saw on the television that day, and vowed to kill tingle for showing her donkey kong pooping on and eating zelda. tingle reappeared and pointed at and laughed at the stupid fanfic critic for throwing such a fit over that funny scene she thought was 'gross and horrible.' fanfic critic however got out a knife and beheaded tingle with it, and the poor tingle was dead. fanfic critic roared in victory over killing that 'evil' tingle.
fanfic critic went on with the rest of her day to review a terrible fanfiction about donkey kong pooping on and eating princess zelda.