Chapter 30: I want to meet

Kagome

All I could do was stare at my phone. I was trying to convince myself that I didn't hear what she had just said. I hoped that I somehow had made the conversation up in my head, but I knew better. The words wouldn't stop echoing in my mind. I am the woman who left you at the orphanage. She sounded somewhat sorry when she'd said those words. Is that what I was making up? Did I want her to be sorry for giving me up? I didn't know whether to call her back and scream at her for being gone for almost twenty-five years. Or call her back to hear her voice again, because the child in me desperately wanted her to fill the void that her absence had left behind. I had a million questions I wanted to ask her. The one being... why didn't she want me?

"Kagome, what did you just say?"

"My mother," I repeated quietly.

"Your mother? How do you know that?"

"I don't know, that's what the woman on the phone said," I said. I felt like I was in shock.

"Well... do you believe her?"

"I don't know what to believe right now. How did she even get my number?"

"That's beside the point Kagome. Are you going to call her back? I mean, do you even want to?"

"I have no idea, but why would she reach out now?"

"Well, if that really is the woman who gave you up; your mother. She's probably after some money. I mean the news about you and Sesshomaru is everywhere. In the papers, blogs, you name it. That could be the main reason because she could have reached out. Why wait all of these years?"

"I..."

"The only way to find out is to call her back, but only if that is what you want."

I grabbed my phone and looked at the call log. My heart was pounding. It pinged, and a message popped up at the top. It was from the number that had just called.

"She just sent me a message..." I said trailing off as I read it.

I am sorry for reaching out so suddenly. I understand you must be shocked to hear from me after all this time. To hear from me at all. Especially after what I have done. I know I have no right to ask this, but please, if you could find it in your heart to meet with me. I would love to see you. I have so many things to ask you. As I am sure you do as well. I do not want to push you. Only when and if you are ready. If you do not want to see me. I completely understand.

"What'd she say to you?"

"She said she was sorry for startling me. That her reaching out must have come as a shock to me, which it was. She says she would love to meet me, but only when I'm ready."

"How does someone prepare themselves for that kind of conversation?"

I will meet with you. In one hour please meet me at Yoyogi Park. I will meet you by the Meiji Shrine, right by the gift shop. I will be sitting on the bench.

I hesitated before pressing send. Eventually, I built up the courage to do it. There was no going back now. I stood up.

"I don't know but I'm going to have to figure it out soon," I told her.

"What do you mean soon?"

"I want to meet her. I have a lot of she is the only one that can give me the answers."

"How do you know if you can trust her Kagome?"

I shrugged. "I will never find out unless I meet her. I can't keep running from this. I've already waited too long. I've wondered about where I came from all my life. Besides, I've dealt with worse. She wants to meet me, and she can. If it turns out that it's money she wants from me. I'll give her a piece of my mind. I'll tell her to shove it. I'm not going to be a wallet for her. Or anyone for that matter." I said while getting dressed.

"Okay, well it looks like I can't talk you out of this, but at least let me drive you."

"Great," I said grabbing my phone. "I need you to take me to Yoyogi Park."

Sango was overprotective. She wanted to stay with me, but I wouldn't let her. I told her that this was something I had to do alone. It had taken about an hour and fifteen minutes to get here. She wasn't late but I wondered if she would even show up. She must have known what I looked like, but I had no idea what she looked like. How was I supposed to recognize her? What if she'd been here this entire time and I hadn't seen her? My eyes kept frantically scanning the crowd for someone I'd never met... for a stranger. My eyes locked on one particular woman in the crowd. She was frantically looking around, just like I was. I knew it was her... I looked just like her. We had the same eyes and the same hair. Her eyes landed on me and she gave me a small smile. We even had the same smile. She made her way over to me and sat beside me on the park bench. I looked at her and took her in. Her eyes were kind, and she had a few streaks of grey in her dark hair. I wondered how old she was. Her hair was short. It sat right above her ears. I was so busy staring at her. I didn't even realize she was holding a box in her hands. That's when I had to admit it to myself. All the anger I had been holding onto on my way here, had disappeared. Just the sight of her made me melt. I wanted her to hug me; to tell me how much she missed me, and I wanted to kick myself for it. This was not the plan.

"Hello Kagome," she said quietly.

"Hi." I croaked.

She had a sad look in her eyes.

"I do not know where to start."

I exhaled. "Neither do I."

A few moments of silence passed between us before I spoke.

"I knew it was you the moment I saw you," I said.

She smiled. "It would be silly if you did not recognize your own face." she joked. "I saw your picture on the front page of the paper. I was surprised you'd taken after me. I assumed you would have taken after your father. The same as my other children have."

I tensed up. "Other children?" I asked.

The words sounded bitter as they left my mouth. I hadn't meant for them to, but I couldn't control myself. Her shoulders sank a bit, and she nodded.

"Yes," she said quietly.

"How many other children do you have?"

"Two others."

"Oh." was all I managed to say.

I gnawed away at the inside of my cheek until I couldn't hold it in anymore.

"Did you have me when you were too young? Is that why you gave me away?"

She shook her head and I could feel my eyes starting to sting.

"So then why? Why didn't you want me? What was wrong with me?" I asked whispering the last part.

She set the box aside and she held my hands. They were so soft and warm.

"Please. Let me explain," she said, not letting go.

I was comforted by it because I didn't want her to. I wanted to believe that, she wanted to be near me as much as I did her.

"When I met your father. We were young, and we quickly fell in love. It all happened so fast, but it did not matter to me. I loved him so much. He was kind. A man of gentle nature, but he had changed... and not for the better. After having our first daughter, he soon after lost his job. It sent him into a spiraling depression; that made him drink more. He became angrier with each passing day. He began to take his anger out on me. He would hit me often... but it stopped once I had gotten pregnant with you. For a while, the drinking stopped. He'd even found a job. He would rub my belly and boast about his son who was soon to be born. When we had come from the doctor and found out I was having another girl. He had reverted back to his old ways. He started making threats; that he would hurt you after I gave birth. I wanted to escape from him but I had no way to. I wanted to keep you, but for your own safety, I had to let you go. It felt like a piece of me had been ripped out. You were gone and I had never been the same. Even after I had given you up, he tried to turn his anger on our first daughter. I would get in the way. Each time the beating was worse than the one before. Finally, I had given him the son he had always wanted. He soon disappeared a few months after he was born. I haven't seen him in almost twenty years. So Kagome, please believe me when I say that I did not want to give you up. The last thing I wanted to do was leave you."

I pulled away from her and tried to process everything I had just heard. She didn't give me up because she wanted to. She had no choice... she did it to protect me. I didn't know how to feel, but still, I understood her. I don't think I would have been able to do what she did; if I were in her position.

"What's in the box?" I whispered.

She pulled off the lid and I looked inside.

"Before I dropped you off at the orphanage, I kept as many things of yours as I could. I took pictures and the blanket the hospital had wrapped you in. I even had the wristband you wore."

Her eyes were all glossy. It was good to know that wasn't the only emotional wreck on this bench.

"The orphanage kept boxes like this. A bunch of things like this from over the years. Birthdays, and graduations up until I was eighteen. You can come see them if you would like"

Her eyes went wide, and her lips trembled. "You don't hate me?"

I shook my head. "How could I?" I mumbled. "You didn't have much of a choice. It would be crappy of me to hate you for wanting to keep me safe."

She wiped her eyes and smiled. "I would like that very much," she said pulling me into a hug.

It caught me off guard at first, but I hugged her back. I didn't want her to let go, but eventually we had to. She took a long look at me and brushed my hair out of my face.

"How have you been all his time?"

"It was rough for a while but I made it. I felt lonely for a really long time. I worked hard to put myself through college and graduated. I have a job that I enjoy. I really held on because Sesshomaru's family was there for me."

No way in hell was I going to tell my mother that I used to want his brother.

"Sesshomaru? Is that the name of your soon-to-be husband?"

I smiled. "Yes, he's wonderful and kind and patient. I didn't think I would ever find someone like that, much less love at all."

"I am happy for you Kagome; truly. For years I wondered how you were faring in the world. It makes me happy to see that things have worked out for you. It's a relief."

"I can imagine. Worrying for twenty-plus years seems like a lot." I teased.

My smile fell. "I have another question."

"Of course. You can ask me anything."

"Did you find me because you... needed money?"

She cupped my cheek. "I do not want anything from you. Except to get to know you Kagome. You do not have to worry about anything like that. I wouldn't even have known to check the paper if it wasn't for my eldest daughter." she said, letting he hand fall.

"She knows me?"

She nodded. "She must, she is how I got your number."

I straightened up.

"Her name is Kikyo."