XVI. Je Crois En Toi

"Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken."

– William Shakespeare

She was kissing him. Five Slytherin boys were unconscious in the corridor around them, and she was kissing him. James. James Potter.

This definitely wasn't Greenhouse Two.

Without thinking, Lily deepened the kiss, pressing her body against him.

"Lily," James murmured against her lips.

They broke apart, breathing heavily, still staring at each other.

"We can't stay here," James said, his voice ragged. His eyes were still locked onto hers.

"Yeah," Lily replied, her heart still pounding.

Wincing, James shifted his position on the ground and fished a small mirror out of his robes. A crack ran through it, and he muttered a hasty charm to repair it.

"Padfoot," he said, speaking into the mirror.

"Prongs?" Lily recognised Sirius' voice emitting from the mirror in response.

"Gonna need some help," James said. "You know how to find us. Bring the Cloak."

He returned the mirror to his robes as Lily let out a long breath. She was too tired to ask about the mirror, or how Sirius would find them – all of a sudden, she felt utterly drained.

"Come 'ere," James said, watching her closely. She sank down beside him. "It's going to be alright," he added, putting his arm around her shoulders.

"It's going to be alright," he whispered, repeating the words, his lips close to her ear.

"What the fuck is this then?" Sirius said, his eyes first setting on Lily and James, before roaming the scene. Lily was relieved to see Remus and Peter fast on his heels.

"Keep your voice down, Padfoot," James hissed.

"I am," Sirius insisted.

"Keep it lower then," James replied. "What if Filch hears you?"

"Filch is on the other side of the castle," Sirius shot back assuredly. Lily didn't bother to ask how Sirius knew this.

As Peter helped James to his feet, a look passed between the two boys. Then Peter nodded and said, "Consider it done, Prongs."

Before Lily could ask what Peter meant, Remus interrupted. "What are we going to do with this lot?" he asked, gesturing to the Slytherins.

"Drag them to the dungeons and pour a bottle of Firewhisky on them," James said. "Whoever finds them will think they were drunk and got in a fight."

"Seems a shame to waste good Firewhisky," Sirius said.

"Well, use the cheap stuff," James shrugged.

"It's not the best cover story in the world, Prongs," Remus replied, with a sceptical look on his drawn features. "Did they all knock each other out?"

"Got any better ideas, Moony?"

Remus paused for thought, and then conceded. "Fair point."

"Can you three handle this?" James asked.

"Of course we can," Remus said, and then he handed James a carefully folded item. "Here. This'll see you back."

"Thanks," James replied. He unfurled the item, revealing a shimmering cloak.

"Is that really…?" Lily asked. She'd heard rumours, of course – all of Gryffindor had – but never had she believed James actually owned an Invisibility Cloak.

"Yeah," James replied.

"Wow," she said, impressed. "This explains…well, a lot actually."

He shot her a quick grin, and then grimaced in pain.

"Get to our dorm," Remus instructed Lily. "James keeps an Auror's field kit under his bed. It should have enough in it to get him patched up."

"Oh, I'm well aware," Lily replied dryly, ignoring Sirius' quip in response. She turned to James. "Come on, you."

James nodded. Under his Invisibility Cloak they carefully made their way back to Gryffindor Tower, leaving Peter, Remus and Sirius to deal with the unconscious Slytherins.

"Lie still."

"I am," he protested.

She shot him a flat look and began to unbutton his shirt. He met her gaze, and there was an intensity in his eyes that made her flush.

"You know, I'd imagined this happening under very different circumstances…"

"Keep your fantasies to yourself," Lily replied, still working on the buttons.

"No chance, Evans."

Lily pulled his shirt back to reveal the slashing wound that ran across his lean frame.

"Drink this," she instructed, handing him a potion-filled vial from his Auror Kit. He did, and grimaced.

"You really should see Pomfrey this time," she admonished.

"No," he replied. "This'll sort it out."

"James."

"I haven't gone to see Pomfrey the last thousand times you've suggested it," he protested, "so why would I start now?"

She scowled. "You're so bloody stubborn!"

He grinned at her.

"Takes one to know one, Evans."

"If you've got witty remarks on offer, Potter, you can't be in that much pain."

"And here I thought you cared."

"I'm seriously reconsidering," Lily shot back. "Now stay still." She muttered an incantation before tapping her wand to the gash on his chest. James gritted his teeth in pain, but already the magic was doing its work.

"How's that?" she asked him.

He made a face, then nodded. "Yeah. Good. Thanks."

"Good."

"Are you okay?" he asked her, intensity in his gaze.

"I'm fine," she replied, ignoring the dull ache where she'd taken a blow to her stomach. At least the cut above her eye had stopped bleeding.

He shot her a sceptical look, and then his expression turned dangerous.

"That bastard Nott hit you," he said between gritted teeth, and she was stuck by the vehemence in his voice.

"Really, I'm okay," Lily reassured him. "You're the one who was starting to bleed out."

James didn't look convinced, but he didn't press the matter further.

"You know, this is really getting to be a habit," he said.

"Duelling with Slytherins?" she asked. "Or stitching you up after you inevitably do something noble and stupid?"

James gave a weak laugh. "Bit of both," he said, before he slowly sat up, inspecting his chest. A thin line was all that remained of the angry cut.

"Have you thought about becoming a Healer?" he asked her. "You're bloody good at that."

"All in the spell," she shrugged. "McGonagall did suggest it to me once in one of our chats though."

"And?"

"Told her I preferred Flourish and Blotts to St Mungo's," Lily replied. "Never had much of an interest in Healing."

He laughed. "So I'm just a special case?"

"Something like that," Lily said with a smirk, before she spoke again. "Why do you think they attacked us?"

"I think they were out to prove something," James said. "Something or someone put them up to this."

"You think we were targeted?"

"Dunno. Maybe. You're Muggleborn, and I'm not exactly popular in the dungeons," James mused. "Or maybe they specifically wanted the Head Girl and the Head Boy?"

"I agree. I think it was a test," Lily replied. "But I reckon they would've gone for anyone who came out of the kitchens. They seemed surprised to see us."

"So it was just a case of the wrong place at the wrong time?"

She nodded.

"For them, at least," James scoffed.

"We got lucky, James," she said with a frown. "If it had gone the other way…" Lily's voice trailed off as she recalled the vicious look on Nott's features. The Slytherin boy had wanted to hurt her – and badly.

"Yeah," James said, his expression turned sober. Then, as if he didn't want to dwell on it further, he changed the subject.

"I could really go for some Moonyshine right now," he said, before making a face. "Remus said he'd finished the last batch though."

"If I know Remus he's probably hiding it from you lot," Lily smirked.

"He wouldn't," James protested, but then his eyes narrowed as he reconsidered.

"Oh, he would," Lily replied. She picked up her wand and pointed it in the direction of Remus' four-poster bed.

"Accio Moonyshine."

There was a rattling noise and then a bottle rolled out from underneath the bed and across the floor towards them.

"That lying git," James scowled, as Lily laughed.

"I really can't blame him," she said, picking the bottle up and handing it to him.

"Tah."

He uncorked the bottle and offered it to her.

"You first."

She took a swig from the bottle, then coughed.

"Easy, Evans," James said, taking the bottle.

A feeling of warmth spread through Lily's throat and across her cheeks. Gathering her dress, she took a seat on the end of his bed, facing him with her legs crossed.

James took a drink and made a contented noise. "Merlin, he should go into business with this stuff."

Lily studied him, twirling a strand of crimson hair around her finger.

"You know something?" she asked him.

"Yeah?"

"The moment I went out with Fenwick that night I realised I would rather have been with you," she admitted.

"Really?" James's heart jumped in his chest and he allowed a grin to spread across his features.

"You looked so miserable when I said I had plans on Halloween," Lily continued, still twirling that strand of hair, still looking at him with her brilliant emerald eyes, "but I really was sorry I couldn't join you. Did you ever end up going to the Three Broomsticks?"

"Nah," he replied. "I just got drunk with Sirius here instead."

"Romantic."

"Beats Fenwick," he shot back.

"Well, I've never snogged Black so I wouldn't be able to compare."

James laughed.

"He's a generous lover," he quipped.

"Ew," Lily replied, and took the bottle back. "I need to erase that."

She took another long swig, and then put the Moonyshine down on his bedside table.

"How're you feeling?" she asked him. "Better?"

"Yeah, loads."

"Really? Or is that the alcohol talking?"

"To be honest, sometimes I can't tell the difference," he quipped.

"The first step is admitting you have a problem," she replied.

His eyes locked with hers, and she met the intensity of his gaze, suddenly painfully aware that they hadn't talked about the kiss, what it meant – what it was going to mean.

"I do have a problem, though, Evans," he said quietly. "What in Merlin's name am I going to do with you?"

"I mean," he continued, before leaning towards her, "I have some ideas."

He was so close to her. She could see the flecks in his hazel eyes as her heart pounded.

"I need to know what it means," Lily replied. "Is there–" she added, gesturing in the diminishing space between them "–something here? Or was it just the adrenaline?"

"I don't believe that, Lily, not for a second," he said, brushing his thumb over her lower lip. The motion sent sparks through her. More than anything, she wanted to feel his lips on hers.

If their first kiss had been full of headlong passion, this one was somehow sweeter. Their lips touched almost tentatively as his hand shifted to the nape of her neck. Lily gasped as he pulled her hard against him.

And then she kissed him again, harder this time, and his lips parted as they deepened the kiss. Her fingers wound into his unruly mop of hair and he made a noise low in his throat.

Merlin, she wanted him, she really did. Part of her didn't want this to stop, didn't care how it might end, didn't care who might find out.

But a small rational voice in the back of her mind was telling her that she should stop, that the other Marauders would be back soon, that he couldn't just snog her in broom closets and cleaning cupboards and Merlin knows where else without having the conversation that they needed to have – a conversation that needed to happen before they went any further.

It was the small rational voice that won out, this time.

Lily broke from him.

"I should go."

Marlene McKinnon sat up from her bed as Lily entered their dorm. The redhead put a finger to her lips, nodding her head towards their sleeping roommates. Then she drew her wand and cast a Silencing Charm around Marlene's bed.

"You're still awake?" Lily asked.

"I waited up for you," Marlene replied. "The party ended hours ago!" Then the small crease of a frown appeared on her features as she looked more closely at her friend. "Lily! You're hurt! What happened? Did–"

"I just snogged James Potter."

Marlene's mouth dropped in disbelief.

"Oh my god."

"I know."

"Oh my god," Marlene repeated. "Lily! Tell me–" she patted her bed, gesturing for Lily to sit "–everything."

Lily hesitated for a moment. She hadn't talked to James about how much they would tell other people – and obviously he didn't want the whole school to know. But then she figured that if Remus, Peter and Sirius knew about the Slytherins, she could at least tell Marley.

So she did – from the trip to the kitchens, the Slytherin ambush, to kissing James – and then to kissing him again.

"Hang on – so after dropping five Slytherins in a duel you just snogged him in the corridor?"

"Well, yeah."

"Lily Evans! Way to keep things professional."

"Marley!"

"What was he like?" Marlene asked her. "Academically speaking."

Lily flushed. "I mean, he's a good kisser. Really good."

"Disgusting. That's my Captain you're talking about."

"You asked!"

"Seriously though, Lily, are you okay?"

"I…no, god…" Lily replied, putting a hand to her side. It was if the rush of adrenaline had suddenly stopped, and a wave of pain shot through her. Lily unbuttoned her dress with Marley's help, and showed her roommate the wicked bruise rapidly spreading across her abdomen and to her ribcage.

Marley gasped.

"Did James see this?"

"No!" Lily exclaimed.

"Well if he does he's going to go mental."

"He's not going to see it then," Lily replied.

Marlene made a sceptical noise. "If he's already snogging you then he's going to have your shirt off in about five minutes."

"He will not."

Marlene raised an eyebrow. "Have you met James Potter?"

Lily blushed.

"So, are you…" Marley left the question hanging.

"Am I what?" Lily asked.

"Are you seeing each other?" "We haven't talked about it," Lily replied. "Us. I mean, I don't even know if there is an us."

"But do you want there to be an us?" Marlene pressed.

"I don't know," Lily admitted. "Part of me does, like there's a voice in my head telling me to jump. But then part of me thinks that it won't work, not really. It wasn't that long ago that I couldn't stand him. And what if we do get together? What's to say he'd actually commit to anything?"

"But what if it does? Work, I mean," Marlene asked her.

When Lily answered her voice was quiet.

"Maybe that's what scares me the most."

They met, that following night, at the top of the Astronomy Tower.

To Lily, it felt as if an age had passed since Slughorn's party and the duel against the Slytherins. She had woken late on Sunday and hadn't seen James until now – the word about Gryffindor Tower was that the Marauders had been closed up in their dorm all day, doing Merlin knows what.

Then, at dinner, his owl had dropped a note in her lap. The untidy scrawl was unrecognisably his –she'd gotten more than her fair share of notes from him over the years – asking to meet her at the castle's highest point.

James was already there when she reached the top of the stairs, and he turned and met her gaze with an unreadable expression.

"You got my note," he said simply.

"Yeah."

"How are you feeling?" he asked.

"Um, better. You?"

He nodded.

It was awkward, this tension that had emerged between them.

"Where were you, today?" she asked him. "I didn't see you in the Great Hall."

"With the lads. Filled them in on what happened," he said. There was a hint of evasiveness in his voice and Lily got the sense he wasn't telling her the entire story. But for now, she didn't press him.

"It's not the last of it, Lily," he continued, scuffing his shoe against the stone parapet. "This sort of shite is going to continue."

"Are we," she began, "can we talk about what happened between us?"

"I was getting to that," he said, with a small grin. "I–"

"I don't want us to start something that won't work," Lily interjected. She had to say this to him, this had to come first.

"I like you, James," she continued. "I want us to be friends–"

"Just friends?" he asked quickly.

"Just friends," she said, trying to keep her voice even, trying to ignore the voice in her head – not the rational one – that was telling her to jump.

"Are we just going to ignore the last twenty-four hours?" James asked, sudden disappointment etched on his features.

"I'm not ignoring it, James, I'm just being realistic. I–"

"When we danced at Slughorn's thing, tell me you didn't feel something," he said, his voice urgent. "Tell me you didn't feel like I felt. Because I wanted you more than anything in that moment."

"Fine," she relented. "I felt something too."

"See? Was that so hard to–"

"Do you know how infuriating it is that you can dance like that?" she interjected with a scowl.

"Me, infuriating?" James asked, incredulously.

"Yes!" she exclaimed, jabbing him in the chest. "You and your stupid dancing and your–"

"You have to be the most infuriating person I've ever met," he interrupted her, running a hand through his scruffy jet black hair.

"Me? You're the crown prince of infuriating, James Potter. The Dalai Lama of infuriating. The–"

"There's no need to bring the Dalai Lama–"

"The Michelangelo of infuriating!"

"Now you're just saying the names of famous people," James smirked.

Lily threw her hands up in frustration.

"Look, I get it if you need some time to, I dunno, figure things out," James added, "and what you want from this. From us. But I don't need time, Lily. I know how I feel about you."

His certainty was unnerving, and she felt a sudden rush of anxiety.

"This isn't going to work, James!" she protested. "I'm me and you're…well, you're you. You're going to walk right into the Ministry job of your choice the minute you leave here–"

"This again, Lily? I–"

"–meanwhile I'll be looking over my shoulder every two minutes to make sure I'm not about to get jumped because I'm … I'm a Mudblood."

The last she said in the faintest whisper, her face turned from him.

"Don't say that," he said sharply, and she was taken back by the sudden anger in his eyes. "Don't say that word."

He put his hands on her shoulders and turned her so she was looking directly at him.

"You're not what they think you are," he insisted. "You're so much more."

"I never asked to be a witch, James," she replied stubbornly, her arms folded. "Sometimes I wonder if it would've been easier if I'd never gone to Hogwarts. Never gotten that letter. Sometimes…"

"No way," he argued. "Your magic is a gift. I've seen the things you can do."

"And what does it matter what I can do? Once we're out of Hogwarts–"

"I believe in you, Lily Evans," James said, more insistently. "I believe that you are going to do incredible things. I believe you're going to change our world for the better. And Merlin knows you don't need me to protect you, but I'll be looking over my shoulder for you too. Whatever it takes."

"So tell me," he continued, once again running a hand through his hair in the motion Lily had seen countless times – a motion that she had once seen as deliberate and vain, but now found oddly endearing, "what are you so scared for?"

For what felt like the longest moment, Lily didn't answer him. When she did, her voice was little more than a whisper.

"I'm falling for you, James," she said. "I'm falling for you and it terrifies me."

As soon as Lily said the words, how she really, truly felt, it was if a weight had been lifted. She could admit it to herself. She could admit it to him. She genuinely, truly fancied him.

"It terrifies me that I'm just another one of the girls who's fallen at your feet only to have her heart broken when you lose interest, because you always lose interest," Lily continued, "…and god, why am I such an idiot for thinking that I could–"

"The only reason I ever lost interest is because none of them were you," James said. "Not one of them could hold a candle to you."

"…and I guess if you don't really feel the same way then that's just fine," she added, her eyes downcast. "We'll try to pretend this never happened and move on with our lives and…"

"Don't be daft," James said softly, closing the distance between them. He reached out and tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear, his hazel eyes never leaving her face.

"It's always been you."

A/N: Still alive and kicking, still have every intention of finishing this fic (thanks, as always for your patience - and for your reviews!).