Yae Miko had a sixth sense for many things: a bestseller in the making, sex, how to make Perry nervous, mischief, and a good deal. Those senses (combined with her wits) had allowed her to maneuver General Gorou into a rather embarrassing predicament, where he would be dressing up as Miss Hina for a certain promotion in exchange for a favor. Her senses never misled her. Several of her senses tingled when Aether walked into the shrine that morning. Oh, today was going to be interesting indeed.
She greeted him warmly. "Hello, little one. It's good to see you. Now, what brings you here?"
"I'm looking for some rare light novels for a friend, and I was wondering if you could help." He rattled off a list of high-profile best-seller novels. "So?" he asked, "Could I buy them directly from you?"
That good-deal sense tingled as did her mischief sense. This could very well work to her advantage. Yae Miko chuckled softly.
"How about a Quid Pro Quo? I'll throw in an autographed first edition of the novels you're requesting and a copy of Gojira versus Emergency Food if you do one little thing for me. See, Yae Publishing is launching a new book series tonight. I'd like you to attend and promote the book."
"Sure. I don't mind."
The Serenitea Pot proved quiet lately. Yae Miko had been so wrapped up in pushing her newest light novel book that she hadn't been around in weeks. Tubby had come down with the flu, so they hadn't gotten a lot of legislation done. Kirara caught the bug, too, and Beidou had some mission to do, so they were both out. With Kokomi busy in Watatsumi and Mona working overtime on her articles, the House and Senate were a little understaffed.
They busied themselves with informal meetings, no legislative business, and mostly just hanging out. They'd been eating dinner together when Charlotte made a stunning announcement.
"Girls, I think Aether's got his eye on a new potential UHA member."
"Oh?" said Keqing, putting down her chopsticks. "Is it someone we know?"
"I don't think so. Check out this newspaper."
Charlotte showed them the latest issue of The Steambird. In the Entertainment section, she pointed to an article titled "Yae Publishing Unveils New Gojira Light Novel Series." The accompanying photograph showed Aether beside Little One, and a gorgeous brown-haired woman in a green kimono.
Charlotte read: "'Today, Yae Publishing released its new, highly anticipated Gojira series Gojira versus the World. In this limited-edition series, Gojira will face off against the dragons Dvalin, Apep, Azhdaha, Durin, and even Nibelung. Culminating in these battles, Gojira will finally come face-to-face with the acclaimed hero himself, Aether.
"'To promote this series, Yae Publishing had several important guests at the launch party including Dvalin, Apep, and Durin. Additionally, Yae Publishing invited Miss Hina, one of the critics who famously praised King of the Monsters, and Aether, a longtime friend of Little One.
"'Aether opened the event by cutting the ceremonial ribbon with Miss Hina. The two could be seen quite close together. Some observers noticed, however, that Miss Hina seemed a little nervous around the Traveler. Her face constantly flushed red, and she didn't say a word the entire day.'"
She put the newspaper on the table and pointed to Miss Hina. Everyone got closer to take a look. Miss Hina was a fairly attractive woman, coquettish and polite looking. They could all imagine her fitting in with them.
"Interesting," murmured Lisa. "I suppose Tubby hasn't visited her yet because of that cold. Perhaps we could send her an invitation instead."
"I don't see why not," said Mavuika. "It'll at least tell us if she's interested in Aether."
Gorou went through all the letters as best he could. Everyone had problems—little and big. Thoma wanted to know how to bring a little Mondstadt culture to Inazuma. Itto asked how to win a game of Genius Invocation against "Little Susie the Unbeatable." Sara asked how she could squash rumors about her and a certain Oni being an item—the usual stuff.
Then there were the oddball questions. Heizou wanted tips on finding Joke Pe-awl's spine, which had gone missing after his pay-per-view duel against Crimson Cyclone. For that, Gorou suggested using a tracking hound. What else could he do, honestly?
Hopefully, they found his practical advice helpful.
Then, he opened the final letter.
To Miss Hina,
Hello, this is Keqing. I'm writing on behalf of the United Harem of Aether. Recently, we've seen photographs of you and Aether circulating around Teyvat. We were wondering if you had any interest in joining our ranks? Please, respond at your earliest convenience.
He had several questions. First, who was Miss Hina, and second, why did the UHA want her to join them so badly? He had to get to the bottom of this.
"Any replies from Miss Hina?" asked Lisa.
"No," said Keqing, "maybe she's not interested."
"Or, maybe she's shy," suggested Dehya.
Arlecchino nodded thoughtfully. In her experience, admitting your feelings for someone else was never easy. Perhaps, poor Miss Hina had been frozen stiff with nerves.
"Let's keep asking," said Amber. "She's bound to reply eventually."
They all agreed, when there came a noise outside the mansion. A sharp voice chided, "Tubby, where is my invitation?" It sounded like that Citlali lady had returned once again to pester Tubby.
Eula scoffed. "That woman could use some manners. If she wants to join us, she should just ask."
Everyone stared at Eula flatly.
"In any case," said Candace, "Let's deal with her after we've looked into Miss Hina."
"Agreed."
When Gorou ran into Itto by the dango food stand, he asked him if he'd heard of someone called Miss Hina. Immediately, Itto lit up. He gushed on and on about how amazing Miss Hina was, not really explaining who she was or what she did.
"Where can I find her?" asked Gorou, interjecting Itto's dialogue. "I think I got her letter by mistake."
"Dude, you can't find Miss Hina! She's a mystery lady!"
Gorou pursed his lips. It seemed this person might not be as easy to find as he thought. Still, he had to start somewhere.
"Well, has anyone seen her?"
"Yeah! She was at that book thing—the Gojira book thing."
Itto whipped out a laminated photograph that showed Aether cutting the ceremonial ribbon alongside Little One. Beside them was an elegant brown-haired woman with puppy dog ears and a green kimono. Itto pointed to the woman.
"See? That's Miss Hina."
"That's…" Gorou squeaked. "The hell…"
He shook his head and sighed. This was all just a misunderstanding. Someone must've seen him dressed up as that woman and got the wrong idea. They assumed that he was Miss Hina. His cheeks flushed.
"Oh dear," he said.
"She's beautiful," said Itto dreamily. "And so much nicer than that stupid Tengu Chicken."
"Um…t-thanks. I mean, I'm sure she'd say thanks if she were here right now."
Gorou paced about nervously. He'd better resolve this misunderstanding. Maybe he could write an anonymous letter explaining the situation. On second thought, no. He didn't want people to know it was him cosplaying as Miss Hina. That would be … difficult … to explain to the troops. Well, he'd figure out something.
"You okay, dude?" asked Itto. "You're not looking so hot."
"Just thinking," he murmured. "I've got a lot on my mind."
"Well, maybe you should write a letter to Miss Hina. She always gives out great advice. One time, I sent a letter asking her how to beat Susie the Unbeatable in Genius Invocation and she gave me the best strategy ever!"
Three long seconds passed.
"What?"
"She gave me Genius Invocation advice that helped me beat Susie the Unbeatable and her stupid Shogun spam deck."
Three long seconds passed. Gorou slowly turned around and looked at Itto.
"Did she… tell you to use the energy drain card, Electro Abyss Lector's energy drain, force swap, or Hydro Abyss Lector's burst?"
"Yeah! Exactly."
Oh no. Oh no, no, no. It couldn't be.
His tail curled in horror and his stomach fell out beneath him. Gorou raced to a newspaper stand, demanding an issue with Miss Hina's letters. The newsy gave him a copy of "That's Life Magazine." He flipped open to Miss Hina's page.
Dear Miss Hina,
Hi. I'm originally from Mondstadt and I'd like to bring a little bit of my homeland's culture to Inazuma. What do you suggest?
From,
Thoma.
Dear Miss Hina,
My colleagues keep suggesting that I am romantically interested in a person I detest. I find this irritating and wish to quash these rumors.
From,
Sara
Oh no. He scanned through the column. Every single one was a letter he'd received. Beneath them all were Miss Hina's replies. No, his replies.
Oh dear Gods. Miko screwed him over again. He had to set this straight right away. But no way would he tell them that was him in the dress. Maybe, he could decline the offer without revealing his identity. Surely, they'd accept that, and everything would be fine.
Surely.
Dear Keqing,
No. Aether and I are strictly friends. Thank you for the invite, but I must decline.
"That's all she wrote?" asked Amber.
Keqing flipped over the letter, showing the blank side.
"No return address," observed Yelan.
"I suppose that's the end of it," said Ganyu. "She doesn't want to join our ranks."
Keqing began putting away the letter. Suddenly, Collei stood up. The Forest Ranger trainee opened her mouth to speak but no words came out. She ran her fingertips together, staring at the table.
"Um… are we sure about that?"
Collei floundered for the words. Luckily, Arlecchino came to her rescue.
"I believe Collei is asking if we're giving up too quickly. Yes?"
She nodded.
"I mean," Collei said weakly, "what if Miss Hina likes Aether but is too shy to admit it? O-or, what if she doesn't think she deserves to be loved?"
The Knave and Mirror Maiden steepled their hands solemnly. Sucrose and Ganyu stared into their laps, remembering how nervous they'd been to confess their crush. Furina, Ei, Shenhe, and Mavuika quietly empathized. After all they'd been through, romance hadn't been easy for them to open up to.
"Hmm," said Ayaka. "I have noticed that in Miss Hina's column, she often has trouble giving love advice. Perhaps Aether is her first crush, and she's unsure what to make of these feelings."
"We might be reading too much into this," Emilie observed. "But at the very least, it couldn't hurt to check."
"In that case," said Mualani, "let's send her another letter! Oh, and let's send one to Aether and see what he thinks."
Gorou went to collect his—Miss Hina's—mail, hoping he'd run into that cursed pink vixen. He ought to chew her out for putting him in this position. It still irked him to no end.
She was still busy with book promotions, so her assistant handed him the mail. With a sigh, Gorou lugged it all to a bench and got to work. Logically, he could've stopped when he learned that she put him under a woman's pseudonym. But, he liked giving advice. It made him feel helpful.
He answered a few basic letters and some prank letters. Some lady named Citlali complained that a bird wouldn't give her an appointment. That had to be a euphemism, right? At last, though, he came to another letter from the UHA.
Dear Miss Hina,
We understand if you're shy. Given your rare public appearances, you seem reluctant to fraternize much. Love is a peculiar thing and many of us weren't aware we felt it until it was pointed out to us. Judging by your columns, it's been speculated that you don't have much love experience. Can you be entirely sure that your feelings for Aether are strictly platonic? Please, if you are interested in Aether, even a little bit, don't pretend like you are not. He's a good man who will treat you well.
Once again, we extend our invitation to you, Miss Hina. Will you join the UHA? You might think of you and Aether as simply friends, but you could be so much more.
His tail bristled and his throat ran dry. A palpable sense of dread, along with an acute headache, fell over him. Their adamance to recruit Miss Hina into their cult/government unnerved him. More than that though, it frustrated him.
He'd been so damned specific: we are simply friends. Why did they think that meant more than it actually did? These girls read one too many romance novels.
Yae Miko probably put them up to this. She must've suggested the girls recruit Miss Hina. Hell, she probably set up that whole book promotion just to set this thing in motion. It would be like her—manufacturing this whole situation just to embarrass him. Even now, he could imagine her cackling over his distress.
Well, time to end her game. Gorou had to write a letter clearly stating he would not join, while avoiding the whole "Miss Hina is actually a dude" issue. Yes, he could do that.
He picked up a pen and wrote a rough draft. Every word had to be perfect, undeniably clear in meaning, leaving no room for misinterpretation. After several revisions, he read what he had written.
To the UHA,
There are circumstances, which I cannot presently disclose, which prevent me from joining your organization. I can assure you that I have no interest whatsoever in pursuing romantic relationships with Aether.
There is no subtext or underlying meaning. Please stop sending these letters. I cannot, under any circumstances, join the UHA. I respect Aether, but our relationship is strictly that of comrades.
"I think Miss Hina's in trouble," said Cryo Cincin Mage.
The women stared gravely at her. Mirror Maiden nodded in agreement. Some, like Emilie, Charlotte, Yelan, and Xiangling, remained skeptical. The more emotionally thinking women like Noelle and Furina stiffened with alarm.
Cryo Cincin Mage glanced at Keqing.
"Could you read that letter Aether sent us again?"
Keqing unfolded the note.
"'Hey girls. To answer your question, no. Miss Hina and I aren't romantically interested in each other. Let's just say there are reasons we can't be together.'"
"Stop, right there," said Cryo. "Why does Aether say 'reasons?' Why all the vagueness?"
"Well, I suppose," said Navia slowly, "there's something he can't tell us."
Cryo Cincin Mage nodded, in a very self-satisfied way. Keqing shrugged.
"Okay, but why do you think it means Miss Hina is in trouble?"
"Don't you see? It's all in Miss Hina's letter. She says, 'There are circumstances, which I cannot presently disclose, which prevent me from joining the UHA.'" Cryo Cincin Mage pointed at a line in Miss Hina's letter emphatically, running her finger down the passage.
"And here: 'I cannot under any circumstances join the UHA.' It almost sounds like someone's threatening her; don't join or I'll hurt you. I think that's what Miss Hina is trying to tell us. Why else would she emphasize words like 'subtext' or 'underlying meaning?' She wants us to read for them both. But then there's her final line. Her choice of word there is one most common with a certain group of people."
Yelan was the first to pick up what Cryo was referring to. Arlecchino soon followed. Both women abruptly rose from their chairs, causing everyone to look at them.
"You mean… 'comrade.'"
Cryo Cincin Mage nodded to Yelan, who became grim-faced. The other women stared at each other, wondering what on earth they were going on about.
"Comrade," said Arlecchino, "is an address frequently used in Snezhnaya."
"So why does that matter?" asked Xiangling.
"Because, it's often used by the Fatui."
Silence.
"So," said the Knave, "you're suggesting the Fatui are threatening her. I don't see why they'd have any interest in a woman who writes for an advice column."
Charlotte sighed. "Fatui often go after journalists. Believe me."
"Well, what should we do?" asked Collei.
"The only logical thing we can do," said Cryo Cincin Mage.
Tubby's day was not going well. First, she got this flu that put her out of commission for the past few days, and she still wasn't up to 100%. Second, her latest nightmare had entered the Serenitea Pot once more, a certain nightmare called Eula 2.0. AKA Citlali. The ill-tempered granny stomped towards her, scowling angrily.
"You!" she growled. "WHERE'S. MY. INVITATION?!"
"Please, don't shout," Tubby grumbled. "I've got a splitting headache."
Citlali jabbed her finger into Tubby's chest.
"I don't care if you're dying! Aether's told you about me—I know he has. And he's doubtlessly told you how he's fallen head over heels for me. You should initiate me this instant!"
Tubby glared. "This surly attitude of yours isn't doing you any favors."
She floated an inch higher so she could meet Citlali's gaze.
"Let me put something into perspective for you," she said in a sweet voice. "In your tribe, you're the most feared shaman. In this realm though, you're sharing the mansion with all of Aether's friends. People who have done things you couldn't begin to imagine. People who survived the Archon Wars and run whole nations—people who control all the markets and people who have fought gods. In this realm, you are nothing."
"What was that?"
"Oh, I'm sorry. Did I stutter? Here, let me emphasize it a little. In this realm, you're a speck of dust in the ass crack of the universe."
Citlali visibly flinched.
"You—!"
"Choose your words carefully, girl," Tubby cautioned Citlali. "I have little patience for temper tantrums, and as I told you, I've got a splitting headache."
To her credit, Citlali didn't lose her temper or back down. Lips pursed, she inhaled sharply through her nose, assuming a more diplomatic stance.
"President Tubby," she said. "Please, induct me into the UHA."
"I will once I'm feeling better and certain matters have been attended to. I hope to visit you within the next two to three weeks and interview you then. Now, if you please, may I return to my rest?"
"Grr, fine. I'll just stay right here until you're ready."
Citlali took out a pillow, placed it on the ground, and went to sleep. Tubby sighed. If this was how Citlali acted before joining the UHA, Tubby didn't want to imagine what she'd be like afterwards.
"Miss Citlali," she said softly. I do apologize, but I can hardly conduct an interview when I'm sick. It wouldn't be fair to you or the other girls."
"Well, can't you ask one of the girls to do the interview?"
Tubby shrugged. "I'm not sure they'd be objective. They tend to jump to conclusions and act rashly at times…"
"Pft, how bad can they be?"
Dear Miss Hina,
We understand the subtext of your message. In five days, we will remove all Fatui from Inazuma. Then, we will track you down and initiate you. Take heart. Your liberation is close at hand.
Gorou stared in horror at the letter. Oh dear Gods. What had he done? His stomach dropped, and his legs gave out beneath him. All Fatui… from Inazuma. That would be tantamount to declaring war. The UHA and Sneznhaya would be at war before the day was over, and Her Excellency would be caught in the crossfire.
He had to intervene. It didn't matter if he emasculated himself in the process—he had to prevent a war. Taking out his Realm Dispatch, Gorou hurried over to the Realm Within. He ran towards the mansion and flung open the doors, only to find the mansion empty. He was too late.
Gorou slumped on the stoop, feeling so helpless.
"Who are you?"
He glanced up and found a pink-haired woman with face paint. She lay her head on a pillow just outside the porch beside a comatose Tubby. He got up and started to answer when the woman got up.
"No, don't answer. Let me have a look."
She touched Gorou's hand and closed her eyes.
"I see a man who holds a secret. I see a war that could arise should the secret remain unspoken."
Gorou blinked, speechless.
The woman got a rather calculating look.
"Maybe, we can help each other. I'll get you out of this predicament if you'll do me a favor."
Honestly, Gorou should've known better than to accept a deal from a pink-haired woman by now. But at this point, he'd do anything to avert a war. He nodded eagerly.
"Alright, here's what we'll do…"
The UHA ladies were about to attack the Fatui Embassy in Inazuma when their Realm Dispatches shone a bright gold. The color of the UHA President calling an emergency meeting. Tubby's summons were absolute. The ladies put away their weapons and returned to the Realm Within.
They found the pink-haired woman Citlali beside Tubby. Citlali held Tubby's Master Realm Dispatch. She returned it to the Adeptus, still lethargic from her flu, and cleared her throat.
"Ladies, Tubby told me about Miss Hina. There's been a big misunderstanding that must be corrected before you all start a pointless war. First off, Miss Hina isn't being held hostage by anyone, but she can't join the UHA."
"What do you mean?" asked Amber.
"She can't join the UHA because she doesn't actually exist. She's just a character. The name is probably a pseudonym for somebody who prefers anonymity."
"How do you know?" said Yelan.
"I did some fortune telling on this 'Miss Hina.' She doesn't exist in Teyvat."
Cryo Cincin Mage frowned. "But, she was at that book promotion."
"That was an actor. Probably some poor sap Miko suckered into dressing up for the event. It's quite possible that Yae Miko got a man to dress up."
The women murmured to each other. Indeed, that sounded like something Yae Miko would do. They could only pity the poor sap who got wrapped into that kitsune's schemes. In any case, though, they still had some doubts. Noticing this, Citlali continued speaking.
"If you're still skeptical, then ask Yae Miko once she returns. If you go through with a reckless plan to attack the Fatui on a hunch, then you might cause problems."
Seeing reason, the ladies acquiesced.
Three days later, Yae Miko returned. When asked, she confirmed that Miss Hina wasn't a real person and that, yes, she had gotten a dude to cosplay as her. She assured them that Miss Hina was, in fact, a pseudonym and that the person writing for her wasn't in any danger from the Fatui. That seemed to settle the matter.
Except of course, for Gorou, who had one last job to do.
The UHA congressional session was interrupted when the doors opened. Instead of Tubby, Gorou walked into the mansion alongside Citlali. He took to the podium. Using a voice normally reserved for the troops, he spoke.
"President Tubby deputized me to interview Citlali on her behalf. Pending the interview, Tubby admitted Miss Citlali to the UHA."
He nodded to Granny Iztili.
"Listen up all of you," said Citlali. "I don't appreciate how long you've kept me waiting. But now, I'm here and I hope you'll show me the proper respect."
Everyone applauded politely. Head held high, Citlali assumed a seat and Gorou ran away before Yae Miko could corner him. The session went on as usual. Around lunchtime, Citlali found herself approached by Yae Miko.
"Aether tells me you're an avid reader of my work."
Citlali blushed. "I've… perused a few of them."
The shrine maiden chuckled. "Well, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry that Tubby took so long to bring you into our ranks. It was truly a grave mistake on her part."
"Thank you," said Citlali. "I can't believe that bird. Just thinking about it makes me angry."
"Well, Tubby's not too fond of me either. Perhaps, we could form an alliance of sorts. After all, it will be easier for us to protect our own interests from Tubby if we cooperate."
Citlali blinked. "I'm listening."
Yae Miko grinned in triumph.
It all worked out perfectly. When Aether appeared in her shrine, asking for a favor, her senses told her that this could be an opportunity for her to gain an advantage. She patiently played the long game. Now, she had an ally against that stupid bird—a fellow sympathizer who might prove useful down the line.
Once again, her senses delivered her a victory. This Citlali could prove most useful.