Tubby's Notes:
To my successor,
To whoever assumes the mantle of UHA President after me, I'd like to offer you some advice. Teyvat is a big and dangerous place. There are dangerous people and forces that may threaten the stability of Teyvat and the Realm Within. Thus, I am compiling a general list of the most pressing dangers in Teyvat and why you must be careful of them. Here, I have a list that offers more general summaries.
Study the list, and be careful. Best of luck.
People not to mess with:
Klee
She's leveled mountains with her explosions. That makes her dangerous enough, but another thing makes her a danger. Klee is by far the most wholesome thing in Teyvat. Her very birth shifted the scales of the natural world from lewd to wholesome. She is the lynchpin that holds all of Teyvat's wholesomeness together. Therefore, if she were ever to curse or do something not cute, then the balance between lewd and wholesomeness would be disrupted. All of Teyvat would shift into unwholesomeness. Preserve her innocence at all costs.
Yae Miko
The most devious, sly, wicked creature in all of creation. She lives to toy with others, and her sexual knowledge is encyclopedic. Her victims have formed support groups for therapy. Many, myself included, have been traumatized or scarred by this demon. Her offenses range from giving Thoma a brain freeze, giving Arlecchino fennecaphobia, making Gorou dress up like a woman, and making Ying'er experience the miracle of birth again and again and again. Avoid at all costs.
Cocaine Hilichurl
One time, a Hilichurl found some cocaine and went on a murder rampage across Teyvat. It was horrifying. We're not sure what happened to it, though… Hopefully, it disappeared and won't ever come back. It was a very unusual Hilichurl…
Ella Musk
She's cringe. Unfortunately, she's also really rich, so she can broadcast her cringe around Teyvat. Her cringe can reach lethal levels. Also, she's a total fraud. We all hate her very much.
Timmie Lord of the Birds/Satan God of Birds
He's a god who can threaten the infinite multiverse. Only fears Yae Miko.
Nahida
Yeah, she's a good god and a wonderful person. But she could technically trap everyone in a Samsara loop, read all our minds, invade our dreams, and brainwash us. Plus, she could wipe someone from existence with her connection to Irminsul. Beware the radish and pray she never snaps.
Xiangling
This girl will eat anything. She devastated Sumeru's ecological wildlife in her culinary quests and sent all the Melusines into hiding. Currently, she is banned by restraining orders from setting foot in Sumeru Desert and the City of Fontaine.
Kuki Shinobu
She is the most certified and over-qualified person in Teyvat. Honestly, it's terrifying how much she can do.
The Alliance of Beard Enthusiasts
The oldest organization in Teyvat predates written history and has chapters in every nation. Although not typically hostile, it holds immense sway over Teyvat's Seven Nations. Think of it as the Illuminati of Teyvat, except with beards.
Tenebrous Papilla
Seriously though, screw that thing.
Golden Wolf Lord
See above.
Setekh Wenut
See above.
Oceanid Boss
See above.
People who Spam Raiden Shogun, Wanderer, or that Stupid Crab in Genius Invocation
Players who use these cars may or may not hate fun and want to make the game miserable for everyone.
Furina
She's not powerful in the traditional sense (at all), and she's not really a master manipulator like Yae Miko or a tactician like Kokomi. What makes her dangerous is her sheer willpower. This woman has endured mental hell for five hundred years. She is easily the strongest woman in the UHA and the strongest woman in Teyvat. She'd be unstoppable if she ever got absurd powers, cunning, or an iota of fighting strength.
Crimson Cyclone
This beetle is sadistic. It fought Joke Pe-awl for a Pay-Per-View event, thrashing him completely. All I can say is I hope that Heizou can one day find Joke's missing spine.
Hu Tao
She is utterly unpredictable, which makes her dangerous.
Kaveh
One time, he became Thanos. Very scary.
Tubby
Humbly speaking, I possess intimate knowledge of Aether and his friends that could make me a threat if I ever went rogue. Knowledge is a deadly weapon. That being said, I probably wouldn't be too hard to subdue. Just shoot me in the face or something, lol.
Aether
This man will do anything—absolutely anything—for his women. When it comes to pleasing the girls, he will break every law of physics and fourth wall to make them happy. Also, he's a strong warrior and capable adventurer with control over the elements. That's kind of dangerous, too. But always beware of the lengths he will go to for love.
Faceless Ayato
Seriously, WTF is that thing?!
Dangerous Forces in Teyvat:
The UHA
They will literally do anything for Aether.
The UBA
They share one IQ point between all of them.
The Spiral Abyss
Anything that makes us slaughter baby Saurians for some rewards is pure evil.
Cyno's Bad Jokes
They hurt. A lot. Think of them like poison; take a little each day to slowly inoculate yourself, but take too much, and you will die horribly.
Yoimiya, with Her Hair Down
Yoimiya, with her hair down, can influence all Teyvat. Most noticeably, pictures of her with her hair down once stopped all criminal activity in Teyvat. One look at her and every criminal willingly turned themselves in. The lame could walk, and the dead (Qiqi) lived again. That kind of power is unprecedented, especially for a single individual. Thankfully, she's a good person who probably won't abuse this power, and we have safeguards in place to prevent it.
Yoimiya's Plot Armor
Yoimiya has an uncanny ability to win virtually any game set up by Clorinde. It's honestly terrifying.
Chibi Outbreak
Ajaw once accidentally caused an outbreak that transformed UHA members into Chibi characters with reality-warping powers. While Chibi-fied, they turned Fontaine's water to tea, took all the desserts and certifications in Teyvat, trapped Sumeru City residents in an eternal dance, transformed Mondstadt into a fairy tale world, and caused various mayhem.
Little One's Theatrical Prowess
That saurian can play any role—any role at all—in any medium—theatre, movies, or television—and become preeminent in its field. It literally has a warehouse to store all its trophies-slash-chew toys.
Barbatos' Witness
If I may quote Venti himself: "Ugh, those guys take Barbatos' teaching way too far."
Teyvat's Job Market
10 years of experience for an entry-level job? Seriously?
Zhongli's Voice
That thing's so buttery. It's like intercourse for your ears.
Minor Threats:
People:
Raiden Ei:
Powerful, but she can be pacified with sweets or Aether. Never under any circumstances let her cook food.
Shenhe:
See above.
Mavuika:
See above.
Mirror Maiden:
See above.
Ningguang:
See above.
Arlecchino:
See above. Additionally, Yae Miko gave her fennecaphobia.
Tsaritsa:
I'm sure she's strong or whatever, but she's got nothing on the UHA ladies.
The Abyss
Yeah, they were pretty wicked in Natlan. Are they as scary as Yae Miko, Cocaine Hilichurl, the Chibi Outbreak, and the Alliance of Beard Enthusiasts? Meh, maybe.
Fatui
Oh yeah, I guess those guys exist too.
Annoyances but not Threats:
Ajaw
All bark, no bite. Currently, he's serving 10 years of community service for his part in the Chibi outbreak. If he ever acts up, schedule an appointment with the vet to have him spayed and neutered. That seems to shut him up quickly.
Enjou
He's mostly harmless. But don't let him in the Teapot. I don't want Rift Hounds following him into the Realm Within.