"Thank you, have a nice day."
AJ sips at her hot chocolate as she sits in the foyer of the hospital. It had been three days since the accident and her mother still hadn't woken up. She hasn't gone to school since she got the news, instead spending her time anxiously sat by her mother's bedside. Sitting beside her was her Godmother, who had been friends with Jac as long as she could remember, a reassuring smile on her face.
"What's up Pippi Jr?"
AJ produces a brief smile at the nickname she'd long forgotten. Memories of earlier days, back in London where she'd been born and her mother grew up. The sixth months they'd lived above a fish and chip shop, before they'd gotten a council flat. The council flat she could see her primary school from that was her home for many years. Sharing a bed with her mother because they couldn't afford a two bedroom flat until Jac graduated.
Her Mum teaching how how to read whilst studying for her A-Levels. The nights they'd spend curled up in blankets, trying to keep warm without the heating on. Days spent at any free attraction Jac could find, a lunch brought from home rather than a meal out because she was always on a budget. AJ's content with a Greg's pastry as her treat. The occasional happy meal she'd eat excitedly whilst Jac sipped at her water bottle, starving but pretending otherwise wanting her child to have some illusion of normality.
She recalls the period during her mother's final year of medical school when they used candles because AJ needed new clothes after a growth spurt, and Jac was too ashamed to ask for help, so they were rationing their electricity. She remembers the look on her mother's face when a fellow medical student bumped into them at a food bank, where she was volunteering, and Jac and AJ received food parcels.
She remembers the embarrassment on her face, how she sharply answered Nadine's questions, yet still proudly introduced "my beautiful daughter, AJ." She thinks of how much her mother had sacrificed and hopes that she wakes up, wanting to tell her how much she loves her and how sorry she is for not saying it. Praying that she won't die thinking she didn't love her.
"Hey I'm so sorry to hear about your sister. It must be so awful having her in a coma. Where are your parents, aren't they worried about her?" Donna asks walking over to AJ, who is sitting alone her Godmother having excused herself to the toilets.
AJ scowls at her, taking Donna by surprise.
"First of all, she's not my sister - oh, is she your cousin?"
"No. She's my mother."
"Sorry, what?! But she would have been like sixteen when you were born?"
"Fourteen but it doesn't matter. Don't you have something better to do than pester me, my Mum's in a coma, she might die and you're prying me for information so you can gossip?" AJ snaps, irritated and upset.
This was why Jac had decided not to tell people about her this time. When they still lived in London, colleagues had known about AJ, and it had done nothing but fuel rumours about Jac. Gossip about who her father was, gossip about how she got through medical school. Assumptions. She must be a whore. She probably left the kid with her parents. Oh, she never spoke of her parents; she was probably disowned.
It didn't matter that from days one she was clearly clinically excellent, no she would be a terrible doctor because she had a baby nine years ago. She was definitely going to quit, no way she'd last in general surgery. She didn't want to take up a locum shift, must be childcare issues. She took up the shift, cue jokes about her being struggling single mother. It was exhausting, and though not the reason she'd moved it wasn't something she missed.
"I was only curious, she never speaks about her family. Weird she never mentioned being a mother. Makes you think?"
"Makes you think what? That she's ashamed of me?"
"I didn't say that I — you implied it. Don't try and lie to me. I'm my mother's daughter so I'm nowhere near stupid."
AJ sighs, "Look, I have nothing to do with her job. She's never denied having me, but unless anyone asks she doesn't bring me up. Why should she? They'd all judge and gossip just like you. "
Donna looks taken aback, not sure how to respond and mutters up a weak defence. "I'm not judging, really. I'm just surprised. I am really sorry about the accident too."
"She's just trying to do her job and help people. The fact that I exist is irrelevant to that; she loves me, and she's a great Mum who's worked incredibly hard to give me a good life. So if you're gonna gossip, go tell them that."
The suffocating haze around Jac begins to lift as she opens her eyes. Voices surround her, and as her eyes adjust, she makes out a figure looming over her. Disoriented, she panics, not knowing where she is but that she has to get away. Her memory tells her this never ends well. She sees her father looming over her, a fist about to strike her, her foster father pinning her down by her wrists, Alan Clooney strangling her as she tries to take her clothes off. She's not safe.
Her entire body aches and her brain feels foggy. She can't seem to lift one of her legs and worst of all she can't scream no matter how much she wants to.
"I can't understand you. I'm going to take this tube out but I need you to stay still."
Fear creeps into her veins as she sees the figure approaching her. She tenses as a pair of hands touch her skin, gently holding her down while the other removes a tube from her throat. She coughs and retches, gasping for air now that she's able to breathe on her own.
"G-Go away...Get away!" Jac slurs, sitting up and swiping at Linden.
"Jac, calm down. Take it easy. Do you know where you are? Do you remember what happened?"
Jac stares at him blankly, recognising his voice yet still being distrustful, not quite sure she's safe.
"You're in ITU at Holby City Hospital. You crashed your bike and you've been in a coma for three days."
"Coma?" She repeats, confused. How could she be in a coma? She was just heading back.
"Artemis... my daughter... AJ... where is she?!"
She begins to panic again her worst fears racing across her mind. Gone? Dead? Missing? It doesn't matter what Linden says to try and calm her down, she's convinced he's lying to her. Somethings wrong, something's definitely wrong and she won't rest until she can see her daughter.
"Get off me! No, no stop! Don't touch me!"
The too familiar sinking feeling rises up through her as she tries to fight back only to be surrounded by more figures. Men. Men and a singular woman. But men so many men. They're what fill her with dread. The woman reminds her of Julia, watching her suffer. She watches her suffer. She knows. She knows she must know. They always know. Even if they lie.
The first thing Jac sees when she opens her eyes is a cloak of red hair, a similar shade to her own . She starts make sense of her surroundings, her eyes beginning to adjust to the light. Her heart which had been beating so wildly in her chest slowing down when she realises it's AJ staring at her a smile on her face. They must have given her a sedative because there's now sunlight illuminating the room, and she can see it glistening in her daughter's eyes.
It doesn't take a second for her to sit up, ignoring the sharp pain in her ribs and hug her daughter, tight. Tighter than she ever has. So tight that her arms hurt but she doesn't want to let go, neither does AJ who's already crying telling her how much she missed her.
"You know I love you right? I love you so much baby. Please don't cry."She says softly, her voice a little shaky, an arm secured around her daughter.
"I love you too, Mum. Don't ever do that again. This has been the worst seventy-two hours of my entire existence." AJ declares, wiping away her tears which keep coming.
"Hey, I'm okay now. I'm alive and I'm talking to you. I'm gonna be just fine." Jac says, stroking her daughter's hair and whispering to her just as she always did when she was upset. It didn't matter how old AJ got, she'd never stop worrying about her. Never stop wanting to protect her from the world.
"Who's been looking after you?"
"Auntie Kitty. She's gone to the toilet, she'll be back soon. She's been so worried about you Mum." AJ sits on the edge of the bed, resisting the urge to rest her head on her mother's shoulder, instead placing her hand in hers, reassured by the contact.
"She always is. She's a good friend. Probably been spoiling you, no doubt."
"Pippi!" Kitty waddles in, immediately hugging Jac awkwardly, her baby bump getting in the way.
"Hi. Long time no see, how are you doing?"
"How am I doing? You almost died, you bloody idiot. How many fucking times have I told you to stop riding that bike like your next destination is heaven!?"
Jac rolls her eyes, making a poorly timed joke about her death, and Kitty hits her playfully, wishing she'd be serious about her own well-being for once. In all the years they'd known each other, Jac managed to continually prove Kitty's point that she had very little regard for her own wellbeing. Sure, she'd never go out of her way to get hurt, but she'd get into fights at school when she was hurting, and she'd be reckless with her safety walking through alleyways just because she could.
When she was a child she'd toy with the idea of death because very often she didn't want to be on this earth, but then AJ came along she'd faced the reality that her child did in fact need her alive. It was a sobering reality, realising that there was someone who needed her. Perhaps someone might love her. Yet even AJ, and the joy she brought her couldn't fix the damage that had been done. She'd suddenly been thrust into motherhood at fourteen and no amount of sweet infant laughter could permanently erase the memories of the abuse that put her there. Nor could it ever truly numb the pain of knowing that she wasn't enough, that her parents would never love her. It seemed no matter how well she did for herself the scars her parents had inflicted upon her would always bleed.
"I thought you were gonna die. Poor Pippi Jr here has been crying her eyes out over you, and you're here making jokes about dying. How are you still annoying as you were in year two?" Kitty sighs shaking her head at her best friend who just laughs.
"Oh stop using that awful nickname. She doesn't look like Pippi bloody Longstocking and neither do I. And calm down before you go into labour."
"What did I tell you? I told you she'd say that." Kitty says, nudging AJ who just smirks, happy to see her mother reunited with her closest friend. "You haven't changed a bit."
Walking past Joseph glances into the room, his feelings towards Jac continuing to soften when he sees AJ cuddled into her side, a beaming smile on her face. He stands there watching, seeing the love in Jac's eyes as she listens intently to her daughter and feels his heart flutter, the feelings he's tried so hard to deny still exist creeping up on him. He can't help but think that even sat in a hospital bed with bruises on her face she's beautiful and it terrifies him.
To acknowledge that he still has feelings for her is to acknowledge that maybe she'd have been the wife and mother to his children he'd dreamed about. It would be easier if he didn't know about AJ, then he could believe she was heartless and inhuman, and his softening heart was irrational. He remembers seeing her with AJ from afar just three weeks earlier, messing around on their skateboards, laughing. The love in Jac's eyes when she looked at AJ made his heart pang.
He just couldn't understand how someone who was so gentle with her daughter, baking with her, once eagerly showing her baby pictures to him, could have it in them to hurt him like she did. He couldn't forget the way her eyes lit up, full of love as she proudly listed AJ's achievements. Thinking about her made his head spin so as he walked into her room to examine her, he pushed away the thoughts and repeated 'she's just another patient.' She was nothing to him, not anymore and it would stay that way.