February 1996
"I just don't get it. What do you do to get her to talk like that? She's proper advanced you know, she can count and all." Kitty says, as she crouches down and waves at AJ, who sits bundled up warmly in the buggy.
With school out and two weeks off, Jac had found herself spending her days playing with AJ who, at twenty months, had developed her own little personality. She was growing fast and was currently very attached to her mother, often toddling after her which was equally adorable and exhausting.
Recently, she had begun to have meltdowns when Jac left for school, and would cling to her when she returned so the half-term was a welcome relief. She hated seeing her daughter cry, it never failed to upset her but she knew she needed to stay in school and excel if she was ever going to achieve any of her dreams. Ever since she'd become a mother her determination to make something of herself had only grown. She knew it would be tough but she wanted to give her child the best life possible, and she had always wanted to be a surgeon, so she was going to get there regardless of how long it took or how difficult the road may be.
"I don't know. I just read to her, like all the time and I guess the words stick. If I can get her to read by the time she's three, I might actually try and put her in school early. She's gonna be a clever kid regardless and if she's in school instead of daycare, I don't have to pay as much."
"You know my Mum would happily take care of her when you age out." Kitty reminds a skeptical Jac.
"I'm serious. You lived at our place half the time during primary school, you're basically family Pippi."
"Yeah yeah I know, it's just wouldn't be fair."
"On who? My Mum literally runs a childminding business already, and she won't mind saving a spot for Artemis. She's adorable."
"Aa-teh-mis here." AJ announces, picking up on the mention of her name. "Oh! Cold, brrr."
"Yes, you're right baby. It is cold. You're so cute, you know that? I love you." Jac coos, as she unstraps the toddler, kisses her face affectionately, and sets her down on the ground.
"What's this, AJ?" Kitty asks, picking up a handful of snow and showing it to the child.
"Snow! AJ like snow!" She exclaims excitedly causing her mother to beam.
Seeing her daughter so happy always brought Jac so much peace, though she was never sure why. Perhaps it was knowing that so far she'd managed to be the complete opposite of her own parents, or it was knowing that her child might grow up to be happy, something she thought she would never truly be.
"No eat. Not food. Tummy hurt."
"That's right, if you eat it you might get a poorly tummy. See what I mean Jac? She's a little genius."
"Make snow angel please?"
Jac watches out the window as AJ runs over to Kitty tripping and face planting in the snow before sitting up and laughing hysterically, unaffected and playing with handfuls. After greeting Kitty's mother and leaving the buggy by the door, she makes her way out and joins them in the garden, letting herself have fun and pushing her worries about her nearing sixteenth birthday aside.
Sixteen. For most girls, it meant getting a job, looking at sixth forms or colleges, learning to drive, or getting trollied in a field with your mates on results day. For her, it meant aging out of foster care and getting dumped wherever the council saw fit. Before she had AJ, it would have meant a dodgy hostel or halfway house, often frequented and stalked by drug dealers and pimps; days spent in your room hiding from the violent flatmate they'd housed you with. She'd had enough horror stories from people she knew with older siblings who'd aged out to know that if you didn't luck out and get a council flat, things could get bleak very quickly.
After having a child, it meant getting a council flat or at least a place in a hostel for young mothers. Maybe outside of your borough if there's not enough housing. Away from friends, familiarity, and any support systems, although when she thought about it, it couldn't be much different to randomly being placed in a small residential home. Her clothes and AJ's toys stuffed in bin bags, her carry cot packed up into the boot, little warning just a sorry, the council needs Mrs Whitman to take in a new pregnant teenager.
We know you're settled well and that she likes having you, we know you've just done three GCSE's a year early and that's why we waited. She said not until she's done her exams at least, so that's why we turned up the day after your last exam, and yes we know your baby is only one and the change of routine will be bad but you have no say in anything. Be grateful, this means you've been assessed as capable of caring for your child without support. Look on the bright side, you'll have the biggest room in the home and there's space for her cot of course.
Nevemind you're weary of being placed with random men as your carers, there's women working here too and you're the oldest kid here, there's loads of little ones and there's even another teen mum here.
It meant getting your council flat and have social workers wating to see if you screw up. Will you be just like your parents or will you be the good mother you insist you are?
"Mama!" AJ squeals, tugging on Jac's sleeve, chocolate cake smeared on her face.
"Yes baby, gosh you're so messy. Let me clean you up." She tuts, grabbing baby wipes from her backpack and cleaning up the toddler who squirms and squeals, always happy to have her mother's full attention on her.
"Mama, hug AJ please?"
"Of course baby, I just need to get you clean. We wouldn't want cake in your hair, would we?"
AJ shakes her head, now babbling to herself about cake and snow, her favourite toy clutched in her hands again. After playing in the snow for about an hour they'd gone in and had lunch, which had consisted of Kitty bribing the toddler inside with her cat who AJ chased after excitedly, pouting when the animal wouldn't respond to her attempts to communicate with it.
Satisfied, Jac sets the toddler down on the floor, watching as she crawls around in spite of her ability to walk.
"Meow gone!" She announces, watching the cat run away, finally free from the squealing child who had been petting her excessively.
"Yeah she's going to sleep AJ. Say night night."
"We get a meow too, Mama?"
"No, baby, we are not getting a cat."
"B-but I want a meow!"
"Can you take care of it? Can you feed it?"
AJ sighs defeated, lying on the carpet her arms firm by her sides. "No Mama. But why no you do it? Mama feed the meow."
"But I don't want a cat, so you'll have to do it."
"But Aa-teh-mis can't!" She shouts, exasperated.
"Why's that?" Jac asks, joining Kitty in packing up AJ's toys. The toddler was tiring out and with the cat asleep, they knew this was the best time to coax her out of the house, and back into her own bed without a fuss.
"I just a baby."
"Yes you are just a baby aren't you?" Kitty gasps, faking surprise. "You're still a little girl so you can't have a cat until you're grown up."
At this AJ bursts into tears. It had been a long day for the twenty month old and the realisation that she might not get a cat, was enough to set her off into a crying fit.
"Come here, silly." Jac says, scooping up her daughter in her arms and cuddling the child who buries her face in her chest, whining about the cat.
Present Day
The sound of quiet sobs draws Jac out of her slumber. Groggily, she clambers out of her bed and tip toes down the corridor to the source of the sound. Having been discharged last night, she hadn't seen Joseph since they kissed two days ago, and was more focused on her daughter who was not taking the revelation of her father's identity well.
"Hey baby. Please talk to me, you're scaring me Artemis." Jac whispers, sitting on her daughter's bed and wrapping her arms around the teenager. She'd barely eaten in the last few days, just lying in her bed crying, and apologising endlessly to her mother.
Seeing her daughter hurt like that broke Jac. She'd long since come to terms with the paternity of her daughter, blocking out the memories of the man who had thrust her into motherhood too young, she'd spent the years trying her hardest to build the life she never had. She remembers the first hours of Artemis' life, cradling her and promising she'd never let anyone hurt her. The promise seemed to be broken now and she'd never felt more like a failure.
"I'm fine. Leave me alone, how can you even look at me? I'm just a reminder of the man who raped you." She says sadly, avoiding her gaze.
"No, you're not. You're my daughter and I love you more than anything in this world. Nothing will ever change that." Jac replies, gently turning AJ's face towards her and smiling at her.
Fourteen. It hits her now how young she was when she'd brought her child into this world. How unlikely it just have seemed to everyone that she'd make a good mother. She'd always been aware that she was a young mother, it wasn't like she could forget it but with her daughter now at the age she'd become a mother, her lost childhood was hanging over her.
AJ was no longer a tiny child, looking at the world with wonder in her eyes, experiencing everything for the first time. She'd be at medical school in four years if everything went to plan, and she had her own thoughts, opinions, and values. Yet, she was still just a kid in many areas, still unsure of the world and needing her mother to guide her, still making childish decisions, and now she was faced with a very adult truth that she couldn't handle. A truth that her mother wished she'd hidden from her longer.
"But why? It must've been horrible. Auntie said he'd been touching you for a while before you got pregnant. I can't even imagine what it must've been like. How old were you the first time he...well you know."
Jac sighs hating how the memories never really seem to leave. Sure she can look at her daughter and only see her child whom she loves, she can go about her life giving no clue of her trauma but the memories chase after her on bad days. Days where she can't stop hearing his voice in the back of head and she's plagued by fitful sleep, sleep paralysis mocking her.
"I was twelve. And you're right, you can't imagine it and it's a good thing."
AJ raised an eyebrow, confused.
"It means I've managed to keep you safe, like I promised I would when you were born." Jac replies, kissing AJ's forehead and wiping away her tears.
"I know we didn't have a lot when you were younger and that even now, it seems like I'm at work more than I'm here with you but I am trying to give you a good life. To keep you safe."
"I used to get so mad at you for always working but I'm starting to understand why. You managed to hide so much from me, keep things normal. I never felt like I was missing out as a kid. Thank you."
"It's what any decent Mum would do. Look, what he did messed with my head for years. But you have no part in that, yes he's your father and it's a fact I'm painfully aware of, but you are not him."
"You are your own person and you're wonderful. You're kind, kinder than I'll ever be, you're talented and you are so so bright. I'm incredibly proud of you, and that bastard being your father doesn't change that."
Looking into her daughter's eyes Jac can't help but feel sadness creeping up on her. All she'd ever wanted when she was a little girl was to be loved. Growing up she didn't have much but it didn't bother her. She didn't mind the bailiffs coming round because her father was too inebriated to sort out their finances, nor did she mind the used toys she was given. What really bothered her was the lack of love. Though she couldn't put her finger on it at first, by the time she was eight she'd concluded that her parents didn't want her.
At fourteen she'd promised she'd create the family she'd never had for her daughter and though, it didn't look how she'd imagined it would fourteen years later, she was happy with it. AJ was happy and loved so very loved by her. Yet it wasn't enough. Parts of her still felt broken, empty and tired. She was so so tired. Everyday, going on as if none of her childhood had happened, it was killing her.
Of course, it how she wanted things to be. She would never let it stop her from making something of herself, but as the years passed she couldn't help but wish she had a mother. She almost envied AJ, something which consumed her with guilt. Being a mother herself , she wanted to understand why her own could not love her. She used to tell herself it was because her parents had her young. Sixteen is no age to become a mother after all. Then she had a child even younger and knowing she was unloved hurt like it never had before.
"I love you." AJ whispers, hugging her mother tightly and crying into her chest. Jac feels her own tears threatening to call and blinks furiously, refusing to let herself cry. She had no right to cry. She'd give up on feeling the love of any parent long ago. AJ was the only person who'd ever love her and hurt as it might, it was her truth.
"I love you too."