There's something humbling about having someone bathe you. When you're little it's your mother or father, caring for you the action an obvious outpouring of their devotion to their small human being. When you're old and senile, it's your kids wanting to do what they can at the end of your life, if you were kind. If you weren't then it's someone paid to try and preserve the last of your dignity.
Perhaps, you're twenty-eight years old and drunk, and your ex-boyfriend who you secretly still love is washing your hair, too worried that you'll drown in the bathtub if he leaves you alone. He was only supposed to sit in the doorway, calling out every few seconds to make sure you hadn't drowned but he couldn't help but come in when he heard you crying, again. It must've been the millionth time that night you'd broke down and you're secretly cursing, remembering why you seldom drink but it still touches him.
Before you know it, he's caring for you and it makes you cry even more. Because you know you certainly don't deserve it. Not when you hurt him how you did, betraying him with his own father. Not when he's got a fiancée who's none the wiser to his softening feelings for you. Not when you took him for granted because you didn't believe that his love for you could be genuine. And especially not when you still hate yourself for everything that's ever happened.
"You don't have to do this." She whispers, sitting under the shower head, too tired to really protest.
He nods, "I know but I want to. I'm not trying to belittle you or anything, this isn't a power play. I'm just taking care of you."
"But why? After everything...you know, I've never had anyone wash my hair."
"What? Not even your mother?"
"Only until I was five."
"But then who - me. I've been taking care of myself since I was six pretty much. I mean when I was four-five I could shower by myself and make a bowl of cereal. Figured out how not to burn toast soon after, and when I was nine I begged for a cookbook and pretty much taught myself how to cook." She says her voice dragging along sadly.
It wasn't so much the independence that hurt as the reasons behind it. Yes, she actually did a decent job of caring for herself at six, too good in fact. It's why no one ever suspected anything. But sometimes she wanted her mother to take care of her. To cuddle her and tell her she loved her. She wanted to know that her mother loved her like Kitty's did.
"How do you talk about that so casually, doesn't it make you angry? Upset even." He asks, bewildered by how casually she mentions being neglected as a child. He couldn't understand how she moved on from it as if she just told him she was getting a haircut.
"I'm twenty-eight years old with a kid half my age. Of course I wish anyone had cared but it made having AJ easier because I already had basic life skills down. I only had to learn to take care of a baby, rather than how to function as a pseudo-adult."
"I get that but how are you alright with any of it. All the adults in your life failed you." Joseph utters in disbelief.
"Life is unfair Joseph. It's just how it is." She sighs, having wondered herself why no one had tried to keep her safe. Why no one noticed? Why the sunken eyes weren't enough?
"It shouldn't be like that."
The thought that someone could neglect their child like that was foreign to him. As a doctor he knew these things happened, but he never really considered it could have happened to someone he knew. He'd had depressing experiences of treating children who were malnourished and neglected, but realising that a follow doctor let alone someone he'd shared so much with was once in their position - that was illuminating.
He'd always looked at those children with pity and sadness, now he looks at Jac with utter disbelief. How could one person have so much happen to them and still continue on? Between being neglected and abused, raising a child single handedly since she was just a girl herself, he couldn't understand why it had taken so long for her to break. He'd admit hand in heart that he couldn't have done it.
"It is though...no point dwelling on it Joe."
Powering past the memories of the abuse which always threaten to steal your peace, know that your parents don't want you, know that they can't even be bothered to feed you or bathe you or do any basic task. Most parents at least bother to ensure their child is fed and clothed, if not out of care to keep up appearances of being a decent human being. Her's chose to make every moment with them a reminder that she was unloved and unwanted.
He knows she's not super human. She might seem fine on the surface but she's cracking all the time yet no one sees it because she hides herself from anyone. He knows better than anyone that she's master of disguise, always hiding her emotions - until she can't. Until one days the pain spills over and when he thinks about it always has.
People who are coping with having a traumatic childhood don't lash out over minor things, they don't isolate themselves or sabotage a healthy relationship. They don't find their sense of self worth in how successful they in their career, lashing out like a wounded animal at anyone who they feel is an opponent. Someone who isn't hurting doesn't react to offers of help like they're a threat, they don't find comfort in being disliked and they definitely do not laugh in the face of violence.
"They'll never love me anyway..."
He lies in the dark, Jac's sleeping form cocooned in his arms as every little detail starts to add up. The way she was so nervous the first time he slept with her. He thinks of she prefers to take control, how she'd sometimes freeze when he was on top of her. He remembers how confused she'd been when he'd stopped to check she was okay. The pure bewilderment on her face when he said he'd stop if she wasn't comfortable. He remembers how her expression softened when he held her hand as he made love to her, rubbing her the back of her hand and telling her she was beautiful.
As she shifts in her sleep he looks down at her with concern but smiles as he realises she's snuggling into his side, fast asleep and looking peaceful. He thinks of how he can't bring himself to leave her, how he resents the fact he has to go back to his own home tomorrow. Keep up appearances and pretending he doesn't regret proposing every day.
Where do they go from here? How is he supposed to continue their secret meetings after this? He's still hurt by what she did to him but his anger is mixed with sorrow. To know what was stolen from her, a happy childhood , the chance to exist without the bleakness of the world weighed on her mind and still hate her is something he doesn't think he can do. How he longs to forget. Forget what pushed them apart in the first place. Yet it happened and he has to acknowledge it because he remembers every tear that fell.
Do they pretend that they've simply become friends again? It's not exactly a lie. After the events of the past few weeks, their friendship is undeniable. Though if he's honest they've become more of companions seeking out the presence of the other even when they shouldn't. It's not healthy he knows that. Her uncharacteristic openness is both alcohol induced and a sign of a break in her psyche.
He kissed her not long after she very nearly died, and though his actions weren't malicious, he's plagued with guilt. She wasn't in a right frame of mind and he wonders if in different circumstances she would have still kissed him back. Last night is different, they'd both been pushing boundaries, crossing lines. Early morning glimpses at the sunrise, became early morning conversations and stolen moments became their new reality. Hiding away on the rooftop was only going to push them further together and one night together will never be enough.
"Stop looking at me like that. I should never had told you any of it. Last night should have never happened. I won't be intruding on your relationship again." Jac tells Joseph as his glances over at her for the hundredth time.
Now the morning has come there's so much to be addressed and he doesn't know where to start.
"I'm not blaming you for anything Jac. We're both adults. You didn't intrude, I wanted you. I've missed you." He admits, placing a stack of pancakes in front of her.
"You don't have to pretend Joseph. We were drunk, your fiancée was out of town and I was a body willing to get under you. You don't have to pretend to care, I appreciate what you did for me last night but you're free to go."
"Jac I'm not going anywhere. I care about you."
She scoffs, skeptical of the idea that he might still care for her. "You feel sympathy because now you know the truth and think I'm damaged goods. You're trying to fix me."
"I'm not. I'm not conceited enough to think I could undo all of what they did to you. Or that I could numb the pain you feel. But I care about you."
"You're feeling sympathy." She laughs bitterly, turning away from him. There was no way he could actually care about her. "It's not the same as genuine concern Joseph. I shagged your Dad and you have a fiancée. Be honest you don't give a damn about me."
"And yet I'm here talking to you. I want you. I shouldn't but I do. I want you. Not Faye, you."
"You're...falling out of love with her..." Jac utters in shock, a look of confusion appearing on her face.
"I don't think I ever really loved her. Not how I love you."
"You love me? Why?"
"Because I do. Simple as." He replies turning her face towards him. "It doesn't have to make sense to you because I don't understand it but I love you."
She places her head in her hands drawing her knees up to her chest. These are the words she'd been hoping to hear all these months, yet now that he's said it all she can feel is the shame. Knowing how she hurt him after he did nothing but love him. The way she ruined the funeral. He reckons he would've done anything for her and she was too stupid to see it. Too caught up in her ambitions and pursuit of approval to realise she'd finally found the one.
"I'm so sorry. For everything. You were so good to me and all I did was hurt you."
He nods sadly and she curls up to him missing the warmth of his body, hoping he notices her attempt at affection. When he kisses her hair like he used to she bites her lip to stop the tears spilling over, and closes her eyes listening as he speaks softly.
"I know you are. I don't know what to do now. What's going to become of us but I do know that you need to take care of yourself Jac."
"What are you talking about?" She snaps, defensively ripping herself from his embrace. Always on the offensive she can never trust that anyone might have good intentions. She knows it's stupid, after last night the chances of Joseph having an ulterior motive is near none, but life has been cruel to her so she keeps her defences up.
"Last night. You broke down. Clearly that had been a long time coming and don't tell me you're fine. You've been cutting yourself again, people who are fine don't do that." He replies, taking her hand in his and hoping she sees his words aren't meant to hurt her.
"I don't know what's wrong with me. I can't get it out of my head anymore." She admits, the heavy feeling she'd become all too familiar with returning.
"I can barely sleep. Barely eat, barely function outside of work and every time I close my eyes...I'm half-scared he'll be waiting for me in my dreams."
Her words scare him. He hadn't put his finger on it before but he can see plain as days that she's crumbling right in front of him. All the years of pretending nothing phases her are catching up and he doesn't know what to do. Between her weeping in his arms the previous night and recounting the neglect of childhood, she hadn't exactly inspired confidence in her mental stability.
The scars on her thighs were faded and old in the past explained away with jokes about the horrors of foster care. Now he sees fresh pain on her skin and the guilt comes again because if he had been stone cold sober, he thinks he might have stopped and asked. Asked if she was okay rather than if he could take her to bed. He might have still kissed every inch of her skin but perhaps it may have been an act of love, rather than fuelled by the burning passion for her.
He'd have still wanted to spend the night with her but maybe he have had the self-control to stop himself from taking things too far. She's in a bad place mentally, almost a shell of herself. She's in a bad place and he'd spent half of the night making love to her whilst memories of that man were creeping up on her. It's not his fault he knows, he wasn't to know yet he can't help but think.
"We should eat before it gets cold." She pipes up, kissing his cheek as she sits comfortably in his lap.
They're not going to talk about it. It being her declining mental state of course. Neither of them know what to say and any solution he offers outside of fucking her thoughts away will be rejected.
She knows that she has an unhealthy relationship with sex. That she used to be so scared of intimacy and if she's honest she still is. After the stunt she pulled on Joseph last year she reckons no one would believe it. On the outside she must have seemed anything or but she can't remember much from that time. Jac knows she used to dissociate when she was with his father. She remembers how repulsed she felt looking at her reflection. The guilt and belief she would always be contaminated had joined up to torture her. One stupid act of betrayal ruining the love she'd found.
Now she's still reaping the consequences of her actions because the man she loves isn't her's to wake up with. He's not her's but she slept with him and she'd do it again because she missed him. He makes her feel safe and she's missed the little things. Like how he'd kiss her as they watched the sunrise, how he used to tell her she was beautiful and he didn't care she had a kid. She missed the feeling of waking up in his arms, content not wanting to move should he release her from his embrace. The small acts of love like the kisses that always sent electricity shooting through her spine.
It's how last night with him didn't fix her but made her feel okay. She could be a mess and he'd still love her. He'd seen her at her most vulnerable last night and yet he stayed. He'd even been there when she woke up in the morning greeting her with a warm kiss. If he loves her now maybe he'd love her tomorrow. And if he loves her tomorrow she won't let him go.