Viren couldn't escape this.

Not in the waking world. Not in the sleeping world.

All he knew was the sheer panic of a freefall.

Viren screamed, plummeting too rapidly from the Storm Spire to even hear his own voice. His vision blurred as wind tore tears from his eyes, clouds above him swirling into bleeding palettes of color. Any second he'd come to his senses, succumbing to a panic attack. It was a lowly thing, to have a mind that could scar. In all his years, he'd been able to take things in stride. He needed no support, and he scorned those who did. It was easy when unaffected.

Oh, how wrong he was.

No amount of fortitude could simply will away the attacks when they came. If his magic wasn't so bound to the same fear that haunted his mind, he might've tried to find some cure, but he knew it would have been futile. He knew there was none.

These thoughts bounced around in his mind as he fell, whirring like the deafening winds around him.

He expected to wake up.

Maybe in this nightmare he'd even have to die first and then bolt awake with a mad howl.

No.

The ending changed.

His back hit water, though the shock of hitting the water's surface wasn't any less painful than he imagined solid ground to be.

Was there a lake at the base of the Storm Spire? His world was disoriented, and he didn't have the time to keep wondering how any of this was possible. The water tasted like brine and the waves and expanse of water around him belonged to an ocean.

He knew how to swim in reality.

However, in his dream he only sank.

Viren tried to propel himself up towards the surface with experienced strokes of his arms, but his motions did nothing. Terror seized him and he put all of his strength into his struggling, demanding that his dream physics obey reason.

His chest hurt.

The last of his air escaped him as he was pulled further down, legs frantically kicking out below and arms waving desperately above, even his fingers clawing up at the surface. His lungs burned and he was forced to open his mouth, water rushing into his nose and throat, engulfing him like a liquid flame. It seemed his mind was not scarred enough by his own life's troubles- now he needed to fear drowning, too. He thrashed and cried out until his strength drained, replaced with weakness and agony.

Light faded in the depths. He finally ceased his motions, limbs too heavy, begging himself to either wake up or die.

There was a third option.

The sides of his neck itched. Viren choked. He breathed. He breathed again, feeling his neck with his hands, realizing he was sprouting gills of all things, and that the water passing in and out of his mouth no longer tormented him. He glanced around, blinking with clarity at the underwater world, still baffled as to where his consciousness was going.

Someone tapped him on the shoulder. Viren turned, clumsy while submerged. He made a garbled sound of surprise.

"Creative solutions, huh?" Harrow spoke easily, as if he wasn't underwater at all, despite being next to Viren. He folded his arms, eyebrows raised. He smiled, amused. "I can't wait to see where this goes."

Viren had too much to say to Harrow, but he seemed unable to speak with his mouth full of ocean water. What could he, in the span of a few seconds, even say to address the years of being each other's close friend, and the chasm between them that Viren had dug? I'm sorry? I miss you? I love you? I regret it? Harrow turned and walked away, and Viren couldn't swim fast enough after.

The world swished.

That was the only way to describe how the water around him sloshed, taking him with it. The motion reminded him of an earthquake. He shook himself, trying once again to right himself among the commotion.

His feet found gravel. He blinked, surprised. Viren looked down at bright blue stones underneath him, still submerged in water, but clearer and lighter. To either side of him were plants that were just as vibrant greens and purples, swaying in the water. The other feature in his environment was a rock about twice his height with a large enough hole to swim through.

Oh no.

This was a fishbowl. A well furnished little fishbowl, but a fishbowl all the same. Through the rounded glass that encased him, he could see a cozy, sunlit kitchen and table.

A woman walked into view and Viren tried to shout, banging on the glass and only managing for it to sound like a few taps. She seemed huge to him, which really meant he was the size of a goldfish, but she had to know him. He'd know her blonde hair anywhere, the way she had a smile so much like Claudia's and eyes so much like Soren's. Was this what she looked like now, or was she only his memory? Her spectacles were still the same, as was her favorite cloak. She set a couple of baskets on the table, just back from the marketplace, and she looked to Viren's fishbowl with a sigh.

"What am I going to do with you?" Lissa smiled ruefully. She wasn't angry, that he knew, but he was sure she wasn't pleased to have her ex husband in a bowl on her counter either. "I always worried you'd wind up like this, somehow." He angled his head, as if saying, really? She laughed for just a moment. "The gills are a surprise, but… Viren, what has to happen to you for you to be more careful?"

Her concern weighed every syllable, even softly spoken. They hadn't seen each other in years, but his chest ached. All those fights and nothing had been enough to stay together. There was no mending things, even if there was the will to. He was, again, unable to speak, but he put his hand to the glass with a pleading expression.

Lissa gently placed her hand on the other side of the glass against his palm, their hands almost touching. "I remember saying I loved you for your talent. I really did. It wasn't your dark magic, but your brilliance. You were a young man full of drive and eagerness to learn. I didn't think the spell parts were what made you wonderful. I think that you, Viren, can do so much more than you realize. You'll figure it out. You'll adapt. You'll survive."

He still couldn't reply, trapped in the water. Lissa turned her head as the front door opened, and yet another figure from Viren's life walked in. Lissa nodded at Viren, saying, "He's all yours."

Air bubbles escaped Viren's throat as the water gently swayed in his habitat. Kpp'ar picked up the bowl, holding him at eye level and sighing. The exasperation in the heavy exhale was one Viren knew well. His grey striped hair and wrinkles with many lines of frustration were just as Viren remembered. How long had they also fought over what was right and proper with magic? Viren's influence had not made bonds as he'd wished, but had burned many instead. "Well then? Who else to sort you out when you've been a fool?"

Kpp'ar carried the fishbowl outside, leaving Lissa behind. Viren swam to the side of the bowl to catch the last few seconds he had of her in his view. He wasn't sure if he qualified as a saltwater or freshwater fish, but he could taste salt and feel a burn at his tear ducts.

It was goodbye.

And despite his longing to go back to her, he couldn't. Never. She looked back at him but stayed where she was.

I'd always make that choice, no matter how many times I have to live through losing you. Even knowing the deep toll and wounds it would inflict, I'd always keep Soren with us.

And she would always leave.

Accepting the grief didn't dull it. Viren floated in the fishbowl aimlessly, dismal. Kpp'ar looked down at him as they walked out into a field. He flicked the side of the fish bowl, the ding from the flick echoing in Viren's ears. "Cut that out. No moping while I lecture."

Viren's indignant bubbles didn't need a translation.

Kpp'ar kept talking. "First of all, get me out of that coin you stuck me in." Viren had the decency to look ashamed. "Come on, how long has it been? Did you literally forget about me?! I can't believe you." Viren shrugged, as if to say a lot had happened. "Excuses! Anyway, I'm supposed to be teaching you. What do you think brought this on?" Viren pondered. What had brought it on? He'd been talking with Callum after their flight, and… "That was a rhetorical question," said Kpp'ar. "The answer is some change in your worldview, your mindset. Some new flexibility is good for you."

Viren peered outside as Kpp'ar walked, trying to figure out why they were in some nondescript field. The only landmark he could spot was a pond.

Uh oh.

Kpp'ar stopped at the shore of the pond and held the fishbowl up. "Now, this is the fun part. For me, anyway." Viren glanced at the pond and then at Kpp'ar, flailing his limbs. Viren swam up to the top of the bowl and stuck his head above water, hoping he could shout to Kpp'ar.

Viren's throat refused to make noise.

Kpp'ar seemed to take pity on him. "Get back in there before you get a cough," he said, tone softer than before. Viren lowered himself back underwater, breathing in the liquid. "You can swim, you can breathe, but there's something missing. It's the connection, Viren. It's what we never needed for ourselves. Your connections are so severed that we can't even talk about learning an arcanum when you aren't connected to yourself."

An arcanum?

Nevermind that.

Connecting to himself sounded even worse than connecting to an arcanum.

Viren shook his head.

"By facing the parts of yourself that you run from, you'll become stronger. More in tune with yourself." Kpp'ar held Viren over the pond. "You flee your own strength."

Viren looked from Kpp'ar to the pond again. The pond surface reflected an overcast sky and Viren's own apprehensive expression. He couldn't discern any of what lay beneath the surface. Dread locked itself in his stomach, like he knew what was underneath the clouds but would do anything to not see it.

Kpp'ar grinned.

"Toodles!"

Kpp'ar unceremoniously dumped Viren snd the entire fishbowl out into the water below. Viren's voiceless throat managed a sore screech as he fell. His world was a waterfall of blue gravel and plants in the few moments before he hit the pond. Viren expected it to feel like falling from the Storm Spire and braced for impact, but he sank into the water easily, painlessly, as if he was falling asleep within his dream.

Nothingness.

Viren opened his eyes.

He wasn't underwater anymore.

He knew the room he was in. He knew the large bed and the castle walls. A few toys and books strewn about on the floor made his heart skip a beat. So, he was back when Claudia still liked fairytales and Soren hadn't outgrown a particularly well beaten up kickball.

Viren slowly came into inhabiting his body, realizing he wasn't alone. Viren was reclined in bed, propped up with pillows. Soren was curled up under his right arm, just his blond hair sticking out from the blankets. Claudia was snuggled up to him under his other arm. Both children were crying.

Lissa wasn't there.

"It's okay." Viren tried to comfort them, holding both of them closer. Every day back then had felt like a fresh heartbreak. Not only was Lissa gone, but their children had been inconsolable for days. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

"You aren't leaving too, right?" Claudia raised her head, cheeks tearstained.

"Of course not." Viren smoothed her hair. "Nothing is more important than you two."

Even as he acted out the memory, Viren's chest flooded with guilt. That hadn't proved true.

"Dad?" Soren's small voice was no longer strained with the rasp of a cough, but hearing him try to talk through his tears was almost as gut wrenching. "Is it my fault"?

"No." Viren kissed the top of Soren's head. "No, Sorbear. Sometimes things aren't anyone's fault." If it was anyone's fault, it was Viren's. Soren relaxed against Viren, head tucked under Viren's, warm and secure. "I'd do anything for you. Both of you."

That hadn't proved true either.

Viren couldn't bear the reminder of broken promises, of a time when he'd tried his best to be a father worth staying with, only to fail. Only when Soren and Claudia fell asleep did he allow himself to cry too, holding them close while being unable to show them that he understood their pain.

"I wish you'd let us see you grieve." The bed dipped from further down the mattress. Viren opened his eyes, still blurred with tears. Soren, as he'd last seen him, was sitting on the bed, watching Viren. Grown up Soren nodded to his child self. "I was cute, huh?"

Viren sniffled. "Yes."

Soren averted his gaze. "You know, stuff like this is why it's so difficult to figure out when you stopped loving me."

Viren's response was out before he could think. "Because I never stopped!" he protested.

His words and actions over the years had said otherwise. Soren was so different from Viren, even wildly different from Lissa. Viren didn't know where his Soren-ness came from, except from some bright spark within Soren himself. Soren was no mage. He was goofy, impulsive, loud, athletic, and had a sense of fun only Claudia had appreciated.

Viren didn't speak fluent Claudia, and he'd never learned how to speak Soren either.

Ungrateful.

Foolish.

Useless.

Soren couldn't even meet his eyes anymore. His sword laid across his lap, sheathed. He was in his armor while Viren and the children were in pajamas and blankets.

"Soren. I'm sorry."

"Is there some use you have for me?" asked Soren hollowly.

"Stop it— stop it, please," pleaded Viren. "I made every mistake. I didn't value you for who you are. I wasted all the time we had together, with a son who chose to stay with me, wishing he was someone else." Viren took a shaking breath. "I metered out my affection to both you and Claudia for my own gain. I was a horrible father to you." He looked down at little Soren as he slept. "I thought I loved you infinitely, and then I added conditions. I deserve your hatred." Viren hugged his children close, almost crying again. "But I love you, if you'll have it. I want to love you the way I thought I did."

Soren met Viren's gaze. His eyes were fully black and his skin was deathly pale, black veins flowing out from his eyes. Viren flinched at the sight of Soren corrupted. The illusion nodded.

"Then tell me you didn't want me to be like this in person, where it matters."

The vision shifted.

Viren still had someone in his arms, but it was someone new.

Harrow's bedchambers had always been familiar to Viren, long before he was king. Viren and Harrow used to sleep in each other's rooms as teenagers, sneaking around so they could talk late into the night. As adults, as fathers, they were still close, close enough for Viren to have an intimate privilege.

Viren held baby Ezran close, as carefully as he had cared for his own newborns. Harrow stood at Viren's side, an arm around his waist. "I don't mean to sound biased, but he's adorable, isn't he?" Harrow brushed his fingertip against the freckles on Ezran's cheek, so light he barely touched him.

"I don't think it would be possible for any child of yours and Sarai's to not be lovely." Ezran yawned and Viren exchanged a smile with Harrow. "He's precious, truly."

"And he has the best godfather in Katolis."

Viren felt as though he'd been plunged into a pool of ice water. Harrow's warm hand on his back and the baby in his arms were all out of place. Harrow didn't know, Viren back then hadn't known, no one would have guessed at the depths Viren's ambition ran.

Panic flooded him from head to toe and Viren trembled.

He'd tried to have Ezran killed. He'd usurped him, drove him from his rightful place. Viren knew all of this, but remembering he was supposed to be like a second father—

"Harrow! Take him- take him, I'm sorry."

Viren tried to hand Ezran off to Harrow, expression stricken. He yet again broke his dream memory, as did Harrow's response. Harrow shook his head, holding up his hand, blocking Viren's motion.

"I can't hold him anymore, Viren."

Harrow's death was something Viren could never escape. Of course he would bring it up. Viren frantically shook his head. "No, no. I betrayed you. I hurt you. I tried to hurt your children. I don't deserve to be alive, much less hold Ezran."

Harrow stood still, hands behind his back, pensive. "I never liked the idea of anyone having a right to life more than someone else."

"I did it to myself," rambled Viren. "I forfeited everything good I ever had with you, with my family. Between you, Sarai, and I, it's me who should have died." His words tumbled out in a rush, as if saying them was the only relief he had, as if he could make something right by saying them. "It was always me. I am the least worthy. You should hate me for all I've done. You were right about me. I was no servant. I served only myself."

Viren was crying again.

Harrow listened passively. He looked from Ezran sleeping in Viren's arms to Viren's face. "I told you, I don't like the idea of weighing one life to another." Harrow raised his voice over Viren trying to interrupt. " But even if it was true, it doesn't change the facts. You are alive, Viren. You still breathe and walk the earth. Whether or not you deserve it is irrelevant to me." Harrow laid a hand on Viren's shoulder. "I'm not here to berate or belittle you, old friend."

"You aren't?"

"We don't have the time to go through everything you did." Viren was so startled by the joke that he choked out a laugh. Harrow's touch turned to a squeeze. "I care about what you do next. You can still be better. I don't know the future, but I know that you will have choices, choices that will show who you are."

Viren swallowed hard. "I think I have shown the world too well what I am."

"Are you that man still?"

Viren closed his eyes. "I don't want to be."

"Then don't be."

"You make it sound so simple."

Harrow laughed. "Because it is! Being alive is being able to make your own choices. For you, on your second life, doubly so."

Viren finally voiced what he hadn't dared to in his waking life. "Claudia shouldn't have brought me back."

"But she did. Whether you wanted her sacrifice or not." Harrow laid his hand on Viren's cheek. "You are on the cusp of learning something important. You keep stopping yourself from understanding."

The world shifted again, but Harrow stayed with him. Ezran was gone, as was the bedroom. They were underwater again. Harrow seemed able to stand on nothing, but Viren still had to swim, making small movements to stay still against a subtle ocean current.

"To know something, you have to know it with your head, hand, and heart." Harrow poked Viren's temples. "You got the head part down." He glanced at Viren's hands. "Goodness knows you're not afraid to get your hands dirty either."

Viren could sense what was coming. His voice tremored with nerves. "Harrow, I think this is going to kill me."

Harrow laid his hand on Viren's chest, feeling his heartbeat. "Viren, tamping it all down is already killing you." He was soft, gentle. "You never grieved the way you needed to. I'm sorry you've had so much sorrow in your years, but you keep your wounds covered rather than healed. You try to not feel. Your heart can't learn anything like this." Harrow brought Viren in close, hugging him. "Feel it."

As if Harrow could command his own soul, Viren did feel it all.

It was as if all the sea around them was grief and Viren was drowning in it. He sobbed without a choice, face buried in Harrow's shoulder. He couldn't do anything but accept the comfort of the embrace he didn't deserve, of the type of love he often shied away from receiving. He clung to Harrow like he was a lifeline, shaking and bawling out of control.

The thing was, he didn't actually drown.

Viren could breathe through it all, the pain had set in deep but gradually faded, the seemingly endless amount of time crying had to end. His chest was lighter than before, and it was as if some fog that had congealed in his mind over the last several years had finally cleared.

Viren breathed.

And he felt.

The ocean was not a static monolith. Tides and winds tugged at the surface, creating little changes all the way down. Currents weaved through the sea. Viren could sense its nuances without fear, the life it supported, the rocks and grains of sand gathering at the ocean floor, all of it in constant flux.

He let go of Harrow.

This was not a place to control, but a place to flow into. Like he was a fish, or even just the fin of a fish, Viren settled into a current, swimming along with ease. He closed his eyes, at peace.

This was being.

It was like knowing his own blood. It was like accepting his own reflection. It didn't make explainable sense, but it was like he'd finally had help in setting down a final puzzle piece to something he'd been wondering all his life.

Viren didn't know how long he let himself enjoy the water. His mind was blank but the rest of his experiences felt full, chasing what lies beyond words.

When he wanted to talk to Harrow again, Harrow appeared in front of him. Harrow angled his head. "Well?"

"I may not be able to ever make everything right," admitted Viren. "But I can try. I've already started. I was a fool to disregard it."

If he was supposed to be a guardian to Ezran, it went without saying he was supposed to be Callum's guardian too. Maybe they'd never be close, but he had to try. For Claudia, Soren, Callum, Ezran, and anyone else his life touched, he had to try. He'd do his best for them, even if they never knew it.

Harrow nodded, pleased. "Don't try to die for me, Viren." He got close, and Viren realized that Harrow meant it about feeling Every emotion he'd ever had regarding Harrow at once. "Live for me."

Harrow kissed him.

It was bold but chaste, full and warm. Viren's eyebrows soared upwards in surprise, still shocked once Harrow pulled back. Harrow had given him an additional gift with the kiss and subsequent smile— full acceptance of everything Viren had ever felt for him, even in passing. "It's not like I never thought about it too, Viren. You have nothing to be ashamed of."

A new voice entered the world. "I see how it is." Sarai laughed and elbowed Harrow, clearly not angry. "It was men in your dreams I should be concerned about."

She was joking, but Viren blanched, waving his hands rapidly. "I swear, I would never-"

"Relax, Viren. I know Harrow was too smitten with me for anything else." She smiled and Viren realized how badly he'd missed her. He let himself feel it, expression fading to something more bittersweet than before. "Hey, I disagreed with you on many counts. We had our arguments, but I was still your friend." Sarai stretched and cracked her knuckles with a grin, glancing between Harrow and Viren. "Fair's fair, right?"

Harrow grinned. "Right."

Viren was taking this part of the dream to his grave.

He was at least expecting her kiss, though he was surprised by the sensation of absolute finality the split second kiss gave.

It was a goodbye.

"Thank you for staying with me, so I didn't die alone." She floated back to Harrow. "Protect our kids. All of them."

A fishing hook lowered itself down in front of Viren. All of them stared at it. The hook had a little purple caterpillar with horns on it. The bug looked at Viren and angled its head, asking if Viren would take it.

He'd learned what he'd needed to.

He'd had his goodbyes.

Viren grabbed onto the fishing line.

He shot upwards.

It shouldn't have been possible to fly through the ocean and then break the surface at the speed he did. The propulsion sent Viren several feet up out of the water. He splashed back into it again with an ungraceful yelp.

The water was a bright blue, like a tropical beach. It was warm and shallow, so shallow he shouldn't have been able to have been so far down, but he supposed dreams could be whatever they wanted to be.

Well. Someone had reeled him in. Viren resurfaced, swimming up to a low dock with a familiar figure on it.

Aaravos was lying on his stomach, fishing rod set to the side, grinning and kicking his legs. His chin was propped up on his elbows, long hair dripping wet as though he'd been swimming recently too. He'd gone fully shirtless, and he seemed to only be in a star patterned towel and sandals from the waist down. "My my," Aaravos purred. "I got quite a catch."

Did Aaravos know how he looked with water droplets all over him?

Viren's blush felt hotter than a sunburn. "Help me up."

Aaravos helped pull Viren up out of the water. Viren sat next to him on the pier, adjusting to breathing air again. His gills flattened but didn't vanish. "Gills, huh?" mused Aaravos. "A shame I don't need to give you mouth to mouth."

"Save it for when I wake up."

Aaravos smirked.

"Well? Rise and shine."

-BREAK-

Viren bolted upright.

His first impression was that he was starving.

Then, he wondered if he was still dreaming. Among the familiar faces of Terry, Claudia, and Sir Sparklepuff peering down at him, there were a couple of unfamiliar Earthblood Elves and a white drake mount.

Claudia tackle hugged him immediately. "You're awake! It's been days!"

Viren wheezed. "What happened?"

Terry gave him a thumbs up. "Let us fill you in!" He paused. "By the way, are those gills?"