They were alone together in the loft the next day when Rachel left very early to go to work. Santana suspected that the tiny Broadway singer deliberately scampered off as quickly as she could, not wanting to deal with the aftermath of the big reveal between the two ex-lovers. They both knew that Rachel was one person they could trust not to gossip about her and Brittany's secret, so there wasn't much to worry about there, although she probably would have a lot of questions about how it happened.
Being alone made things slightly more tense and awkward with no buffer between Santana and Brittany but it was a relief to be able to talk around Brittany in complete privacy about everything that was going on between them.
Santana tossed and turned for most of the night, unsettled and unsure about how she should feel about everything. She half expected to wake up and find out that their late night visitor had all been just a dream. Maybe it was even a fantasy her brain came up with due to her secret, pathetic longing to see Brittany again.
She wasn't sure if Brittany's unexpected return was the best or most overwhelming thing that had happened to her lately but as soon as she heard the sounds of shower water running followed by a familiar girl's voice singing a pop song adorably, she realized that Brittany wasn't just a figment of her imagination.
She began to try to mentally rehearse what she could say to Brittany when she saw her. She felt so anxious, which was unlike her, since talking to Brittany was usually the most comfortable and natural thing in the world for her and Santana wasn't the type to overthink about what she said to anyone.
The truth was, Santana didn't know how she was supposed to navigate her relationship with Brittany now after their breakup. Santana and Brittany had always been best friends even long before they were girlfriends but after they fell in love, Santana couldn't just go back to being friends with her anymore. She didn't want to go back to it and didn't know how.
For other couples, like Finn and Rachel, Santana saw how the two could casually maintain a platonic friendship even during the moments when they weren't officially together. For Santana, the thought of doing that with Brittany felt impossible. From the time they were old enough to, Santana's friendship with Brittany had always included their physical intimacy as well. It wasn't ever enough for her to just be friends with Brittany without being able to touch and kiss her, to possess the girl and be possessed completely, the way she really wanted. There was always that intensity between them.
Now that she had known what it was like to have every part of Brittany, she couldn't bear the thought of being distant from her. The thought of not being able to kiss and hold the girl the way she wanted to frustrated Santana to no end. She didn't text or call the girl since their breakup because it hurt too much to think that they weren't together anymore. She still felt a little guilty and ashamed about cutting off communication but she felt she needed to, even if some part of her knew it was selfish.
"Hi!" The taller girl chirped when she saw her and light blue eyes lit up.
This all felt so familiar. Brittany couldn't deny that the sight of Santana first thing in the day, the way things used to be for them practically everyday of her life made her heart soar and yet again, she had to control her impulse to fling her arms around her ex-lover. It was going to be difficult to tiptoe around Santana when they were living in the same place.
"Hi," Santana responded quietly, swallowing nervously and not knowing exactly what to say or where to look. She realized that Brittany was tilting her head to the side and had a funny look on her face as she observed the darker-haired girl in silence for a long moment with a sly, fond little smile that Santana couldn't decipher. "What is it?"
"It's just, your voice is all raspy. It just reminded me of all those times when we woke up together and…" Brittany cut herself off, both of them realizing how intimate the conversation was becoming. Santana cleared her throat and Brittany looked away, laughing awkwardly to try to deflect from what she had just blurted out even if it brought back some vivid mental imagery to both of them.
Santana was at least glad that Brittany looked a little more perky than she had the previous night and wanted to make sure she felt comfortable and cared for, especially knowing that she was pregnant.
"How did you sleep? How are you feeling?"
"I slept really well, actually, better than I have in a super long time. Your bed is nice and it smells like you," Brittany flushed a rosy pink at her own admission when she realized what she had accidentally said and tried to deflect again. "How are you feeling?"
Santana didn't know what to think about Brittany's comment about her smell. She wanted to follow up and ask her exactly what she meant about that but it felt like it could be crossing a line and venturing into dangerous territory again with her ex-girlfriend. Something about the idea of Brittany liking her scent and the rasp of her voice caused a hot, heavy feeling in her stomach.
Instead, she thought about Brittany's question.
"I guess I'm just scared," Santana admitted, her nerves taking over her, "I'm a mom now. I can't believe I'm going to be a mom to a little actual living, breathing human, in just a few months. I don't know if I can do this. I'm not exactly mom material, in case you haven't noticed. I'm probably the least maternal person ever and I never really thought it would happen to me."
"I know. I'm scared too," Brittany confessed, as she noticed Santana's crestfallen expression, "Hey, don't be so harsh on yourself. You're better than you think."
It felt good to hear Brittany say that, even if her insecurities were still nagging at her.
"Thanks. You- you look really beautiful. I mean, you look good." Santana blurted impulsively when she couldn't help but scan the girl's figure again, avoiding Brittany's eyes as heat rushed to her face and cringing at herself.
Now that she was seeing Brittany in the bright daylight, Santana was startled by how soft and stunning the girl was without a hint of makeup. She somehow seemed even more attractive than she had months before, if that were possible. Pregnancy seemed to agree with her. Her white skin was radiant and glowing, her hair was luscious and there was something extremely attractive about her. Brittany looked like an actual angel. Santana had to practically force herself to stop staring.
Her words brought a smile to Brittany's lips and she dipped her head, bashful. Brittany was also admiring her ex-girlfriend's features, feeling that familiar attraction and irresistible, magnetic pull toward her, in spite of everything. There was something about seeing Santana in just black shorts and a white tank top for pajamas, her dark, loose curls of hair down and messy with no makeup on that made her that much cuter.
Santana's face looked softer and so much more vulnerable when her skin was bare. What Brittany also noticed though, that made her concerned, was how thin Santana had become and that dull, defeated look in her eyes. There was that look on her face that Brittany knew meant Santana must have been stressed out for a long time. She could tell Santana hadn't been sleeping or eating well either.
"Thanks. You look… really good too but are you feeling okay? You seem a little tired and under the weather, San."
"Oh, it's nothing," Santana tensed up and tried to shrug it off. She let out a forced laugh, trying to be casual and not let on just how accurate Brittany's observations were. Brittany didn't believe her but she knew Santana didn't like to be pushed and if she wanted to tell her the truth, she would eventually when she felt comfortable. "I'm fine, just a couple of late nights and too much drinking, you know? Nothing a ton of caffeine won't fix."
Well, that was a total lie.
"You've always had trouble getting to sleep," Brittany noted. "Remember when you were nervous really late at night and I used to…"
She cut herself off, her face flushing a light pink again. They both knew what Brittany was referring to. The blonde had usually been the one to calm her down enough to sleep when she was worked up with her nerves or anger. Sometimes it meant Brittany would say something silly to make Santana laugh, or she'd entice her into sex, which usually was the best way for Santana to release her pent up tension and afterward she'd hold Santana as she lay on top of her, covering Brittany's body. Brittany would stroke her tense shoulders and the base of her back until she was finally lulled into a peaceful sleep.
Ever since she no longer had Brittany sleeping with her, Santana's sleep problems were worse than ever but she didn't know how to tell the blonde that.
"Are you hungry?" Santana asked gently and as if on cue, they both heard Brittany's stomach growl. The taller girl giggled, rubbing her stomach slightly as the corners of Santana's lips curved upward playfully. "I guess that's a yes. Don't worry, we'll get you something. I know you're eating for two now."
The very thought of Brittany actually being pregnant still blew her mind. As soon as she made the last comment, she had to stop to think it over again. Pregnancy suited Brittany and Santana had to admit, it was beautiful seeing her like this.
There was something else that she was dying to ask as the two of them sat around at the table. Santana just had a black coffee, since she was never hungry for any real breakfast in the morning and made Brittany tea with plenty of sugar and milk, just the way she liked it. She felt awkward about how to ask about it without putting Brittany on the spot. The blonde seemed to read the question that was on Santana's mind as soon as she faced her again.
It always made Santana startled whenever she realized how Brittany could read her so easily just by gazing into the depths of her dark eyes.
"I'm in my tenth week," She explained when Santana's questioning dark brown eyes met hers. "I read that they count it from the start of my last period, so it's ten weeks even though it's technically eight."
Santana's mind spun as she did some mental calculations and she trembled slightly, her eyes widening with the realization. Eight weeks ago was the end of August. Memories of making love to Brittany floated back to her. This was all starting to make sense.
"Oh."
"Yep, so I actually found out I was pregnant a few weeks after we… broke up. I was going to tell you right after that but you just looked so heartbroken that day and I didn't want to make things even worse by giving you that burden as well. I couldn't pull you back to Lima right after I encouraged you to go to college in the first place in senior year."
The last thing Brittany wanted was for Santana to be so far away from her but she thought she should let her find her own happiness, even if it crushed her to think that happiness wasn't with her in Lima.
The next thing Brittany knew, she was hearing from Tina that Santana was in New York and rooming with Rachel, of all people. It confused Brittany but she knew Santana had dreams of fame and stardom, so maybe New York was where she was ultimately meant to be.
Meanwhile, Santana was dumbfounded. Her heart broke and her stomach fell at the thought of Brittany basically being alone with all of that stress to deal with on her own on top of everything and thinking she couldn't tell even Santana the truth about their baby.
"I'm sorry. Britt, first of all, you could never be a burden to me. It would have been okay if you told me, you know," Santana sighed sadly. "If you had told me you were pregnant then, I would have been back there for you in Lima. I would have come back to you and stayed with you this whole time. I would have… taken care of you. You shouldn't have had to go through that alone."
Brittany shook her head.
"I know you would. That's exactly why I couldn't tell you. I didn't want to force you to be stuck there with me just because you felt forced to be after you broke up with me."
"Oh." Santana mumbled in response, surprised and didn't know what to say.
"Besides, you never called or texted me at all, so I just stopped trying to contact you and it made me so sad. I thought you didn't want to speak to me anymore."
"Brittany…" Santana choked out, rubbing her temples as her voice trembled with emotion. She hated thinking of that situation so much. She hated the fact that the blonde had been left alone and scared, pregnant in high school and devastated by having to repeat the year and their breakup. Her heart clenched to think of Brittany crying on that horrible day in the choir room and maybe terrified alone in her bedroom after she found out about the other news about her pregnancy.
"I guess I understand why you thought that but we could have worked through this together like we've always done with everything else. I'm really sorry, I didn't text or call you enough but I- I would always want to know if you were having my baby."
Santana was taken aback when Brittany whimpered, wiping a falling tear away from her right cheek. The darker-haired girl's expression softened and any lingering frustration or hard feelings she had about Brittany since their breakup defused all at once when she saw the state the blonde was in. Her voice took on a more gentle, warmer tone.
"Hey, shh. Don't cry."
"I'm so sorry," The blonde sniffed, her eyes watery. "At least now there's still time for us to figure this out together."
"Don't be sorry. Of course there is. Come here," Santana smiled gently as the blonde hugged her tightly, nuzzling her head into the crook of the dark-haired girl's neck and breathing in deeply. She was clinging to her so much, as if she was scared to let go of her again. They were both amazed by how right it felt to be holding each other like this, despite the circumstances. "You know what? This has been a wild ride but I'm really glad you told me about all of this, so now I can be with you to make things right, the way they should be."
Santana wasn't sure what she herself meant by the last statement. She wasn't sure if that would mean becoming friends with Brittany again or how that would work for them but it felt wrong to not be by the girl's side in this new situation. It was true that it would be easier to run away again, to ghost Brittany and pretend this hadn't happened.
She couldn't be that cowardly and heartless when Brittany needed her. When their child needed her.
Santana was so warm, strong, and comfortable for Brittany, both physically and emotionally. Being locked away in her protective embrace like this felt like she was wrapped in a blanket of safety and she sighed, trying not to make it too obvious when she nuzzled in maybe a little too close to her neck for someone who wasn't her girlfriend, inhaling that familiar, musky animal scent of her ex-lover's that was always engrained in her head. It instantly brought a sense of mind-numbing calm to her like nothing else did.
When they pulled back after a hug that maybe went on for far too long, Brittany was staring at her with brightly flushed cheeks, both of them feeling flustered about being so close.
Santana couldn't help but smile, realizing it was such a relief to clear at least some of the air between them, even though there were still other things to work out between them, an undercurrent of tension and guilt that lingered in her about the entire breakup.
She didn't want to think of all of the negatives right now.
She felt ten times lighter despite how overwhelming the other things were. Now that she had Brittany back in her life, at least in some capacity, it felt like they could accomplish anything together. That hopeful feeling that she thought she had lost forever was starting to come back. Little did she know, Brittany was feeling the same way.
"I'm sorry for crying on you." Brittany chuckled.
"Britt, it's alright and I know you can't exactly help it, can you? The hormones are going to make you feel moody and that's normal."
"It feels so good to be around you like this. You know, even though we're both scared, at least we're not alone in this, since we have each other for the next seven months. I mean, if you're sure you want to be involved, of course. I don't want you to feel like you're forced."
"Of course I want to. That's not even a question. You'll always have me - I mean," Santana avoided Brittany's gaze, realizing how romantic her declaration sounded. "I'll always be there - Brittany, I really -"
She cut herself off and pressed her lips together, knowing how swept up in her emotions she was. If she kept talking she was going to admit that she never stopped loving Brittany. Brittany's expression softened, as she seemed to melt at her words and Santana wasn't sure what this heated moment was going to lead to as her gaze drifted between the blonde's eyes and lips.
They were distracted by Brittany's phone ringing loudly.
"Hi, Mom! Yep, I'm at her apartment." Brittany answered cheerfully on the second ring, explaining to Whitney that her trip was going well and she'd be back home soon.
Santana walked over to the other side of the apartment in an attempt to give them some privacy. Even though she was trying not to listen in, she couldn't help but overhear some of their conversation. Her face fell as she heard parts of what Brittany was saying and that cold, painful feeling started to return to her chest. Now that Brittany had come back, she suddenly felt desperate for her to stay.
She knew it was irrational but she didn't want her to leave again so soon and the thought of her just flying off again to leave Santana alone in New York absolutely killed her. She also felt a strong sense of protectiveness over the blonde, a more intense version of how she felt when they were dating and she was starting to have all of these fears of Brittany being in danger while she was pregnant.
She felt selfish and pathetic for thinking all of this. After all, the blonde could choose where she wanted to live. Even if she was her ex and was carrying Santana's child, it was still up to Brittany to decide what she wanted to do and it wasn't as if Santana had any control or claim over her.
"Mom… It's not that it's a bad idea but are you sure that really would be okay with you and dad? Yeah, I'll ask Santana but I'm not sure what she'll say. Yeah, of course I'll text you later. Don't forget to trim his claws and bring back tuna for him later. Love you too, bye."
Santana looked up at Brittany, her eyebrows raised as the blonde looked like she had something major to tell her again after she had come off of the call and sauntered over to her.
"So this is going to sound crazy. Do you want to come live with my parents and I for a while? I know, my parents are a lot and all but they're really supportive and they like you a lot. You know they always loved you. I totally get it if you would rather be here though and I don't want to prevent you from getting your dream job."
Santana fell silent, stunned. It was the last thing she expected Brittany to say.
"You want me to come live with you?"
"Yeah, like I said, mom is totally okay with the idea… and I think it would be nice. I just feel so guilty about stopping you from being super famous and successful though, if that's what you want here."
Santana frowned when she heard the last part. She truly had nothing to really stick around in New York for. She had no real friendships or ties to the place. Her jobs and short-lived relationships with Brittany knock-off girls there had gone nowhere. The truth was, she hated being in the city, she couldn't even find a job and she was going crazy living with Rachel Berry as it was. Santana had no more patience left for it all.
Santana had always adored the Pierce parents and in her head she associated them with everything she liked about Brittany. The idea of living with Brittany and her parents sounded amazing in comparison, even if it meant going back to Lima.
It was like an escape from the doom and gloom of her current life and there was something more hopeful to think about instead, if she was in Lima with Brittany and the Pierces. Maribel was going to be disappointed, no doubt, when she found out that this was the life Santana was choosing but she found that she didn't care about her mother's approval.
Being with the Pierces would also allow her to be there for the blonde whenever she needed any help during her pregnancy and she felt like she owed that to Brittany too, as the baby's other mother. Deep down, Santana just wanted to be there to take care of her, the way she deserved. It only made practical sense, especially while the blonde was pregnant for the baby's other mom to be around to help take care of Brittany.
She was secretly overjoyed at the idea of being so close to Brittany again but she was scared that it might blur the lines between them too much and be too tempting to live with her ex-lover who she was still so, so attracted to. She could barely even think around the blonde sometimes when her hormones were going crazy.
It felt very intimate and couple-y to live together like Brittany was suggesting. She didn't want to make things awkward for Brittany if the blonde didn't return those deep, confusing feelings Santana still had anymore. She still couldn't help but agree to this, despite knowing how "dangerous" it could be for her to be around such a temptation.
Then there was the part about Brittany assuming Santana was so famous and successful to deal with. She loved the idea of Brittany thinking of her that way and looking at her with admiration.
"Oh yeah. Actually, now that you mention it, you could say I'm doing really well. Got a few things lined up, really big things," Santana puffed up her chest and crossed her arms over it, averting her gaze and trying to make herself sound confident. She didn't want to lie to Brittany but she had too much of an ego to admit the shameful truth. "Rachel and Quinn are going to be so jealous. You just wait and see."
They were the kinds of things she had told the other girls she hooked up with as well and okay, maybe they were a little embellished but having women think of Santana as successful and powerful was such an ego boost.
Brittany just smiled to herself, rolling her eyes and Santana tried to act unaffected, attempting to maintain her composure even though it was obvious to both of them that she wasn't being honest. She didn't want to admit how much she was floundering. She also wanted to show off and impress her ex-girlfriend rather than admit her life was falling apart after the breakup.
"Oh yeah? That's great, Santana. I'm really happy for you. What kind of things have you been up to?"
Santana began to stammer, struggling to make up something on the spot that she hoped would sound cool and impressive to the girl as she tried to act casual.
"Um - uh, I've got this Vogue photoshoot. Rachel was totally jealous when she found out because she wanted it. I'm going to get cast in this new Netflix series I auditioned for. It's gonna be way more famous than Funny Girl. Got my R&B slash rock album on the way too, you know. I've been making all these industry connections."
Brittany just watched her in amusement with a little smirk, indulging her and just nodding as Santana began listing off all the incredible things she had accomplished or was going to. Santana felt like a complete dumbass.
"Santana? Is that all?"
"Britt," Santana finally swallowed her pride, glancing down at her hands as she trembled slightly. Brittany was pretty much the only one she'd ever admit such a weakness to and she found it so difficult to lie to her, especially when she seemed to be looking right through her with those piercing blue eyes. "Actually, I lied about all that. I know I talk big but this isn't such an easy place to live. I mean, getting cool jobs and stuff hasn't been easy and I don't know if the fame thing is working out well yet. You wouldn't be preventing me from anything."
"What about college? I thought you were taking classes in Louisville and then you changed plans? Tina just told me the other day that you were in New York."
Santana winced. Louisville had been another disaster even though she had tried so hard to act like she was having a fantastic time there. She had never told Brittany the part about her skipping, failing all her classes and being unable to make a single friend because the other girls hated her. She didn't want to talk about it but Brittany had a way of pulling these things out of her.
"Um… So, I kind of dropped out."
Brittany put her arm around her shoulders and Santana leaned in to the comfort she provided, trying to ignore once again how good it felt to be touched by the girl.
"Oh San."
"I'm sorry to let you down like this. I didn't want to tell you before."
"It's okay. You don't have to be ashamed of anything. I know you'll be as famous as you want to be one day," Brittany smiled at her gently and Santana just felt relieved that she wasn't being judged or breaking Brittany's heart by telling her about her failures. She wanted to be someone who Brittany could be proud of. "They just haven't discovered how iconic you are yet. For now though, you can come stay with us, if you want."
"Really?" Santana tried to keep the eagerness out of her voice but winced, realizing how obvious it was that she was so excited about the idea. "Your parents would really let us do that though? I mean, I would love to but would that really be okay with you, having me there? They don't hate me now?"
"Of course, Silly. We'd love to have you there. They don't hate you. They're gonna to be so glad to see you again."
Brittany looked brighter and happier than Santana had ever seen her as she jumped into Santana's arms, hugging her fiercely. Santana tried to ignore the butterflies in her stomach that came over her everytime they hugged like that now.
"I'm sure Rachel's going to be jumping for joy when she finds out I'll be out of her way soon." Santana joked half-heartedly. She was trying not to cry at how happy she suddenly felt, after feeling miserable for so long.
Brittany chuckled, dancing around in the kitchen area. She didn't know how to label her relationship with Santana but she felt relieved to know they were on the same page again and they were going to be with each other at least.
She froze in the middle of dancing, eventually sitting on the ground to try to collect herself and Santana was alarmed when she saw the way Brittany's face paled. Santana rushed over to her side in a panic and all kinds of nightmarish thoughts came to her of what the problem might be.
"Britt, are you okay? Is it the baby? Are you hurt?"
The girl whimpered, grateful for the feeling of Santana's hands stroking her back gently to comfort her. Brittany mumbled a response, allowing Santana to help her on to the couch nearby and get her settled.
"I'm just a little dizzy, that's all. Dancing so early in the morning probably wasn't a good idea."
"Here, come lay down. Maybe you should just rest here for a while." Brittany closed her eyes, grateful for the pillow Santana propped up behind her head as she lay on her side and rested there. She'd always had a feeling that Santana would be so protective if Brittany ever became pregnant and it made her heart flutter, a warmth filling her chest when she realized that she had been right all along.
Santana sat beside her on the other side of the couch, trying to pretend she wasn't watching her as something played on the TV that neither of them was paying much attention to. Brittany dozed off lightly, for what felt like a million years but was probably just a few minutes. She smiled, feeling Santana's gaze on her when she woke up, stretching and yawning a little.
"Hey, do you have anything sweet? I really feel like chocolate right now. That's all I can think about."
"Chocolate?"
It was the last thing she expected Brittany to say out of nowhere.
"I just really feel like chocolate cake and Nutella with chocolate ice cream right now." Brittany groaned.
"Britt, it's seven thirty a.m. Are you sure?" Santana tilted her head to the side, perplexed by the girl's very specific request.
"I'm just really craving it. I need it so bad. The baby has a sweet tooth. I feel like chocolate chip pancakes too. Please. It's all I can think about."
"Oh ho?" Santana smiled and shook her head in amusement, going over to rummage through the fridge and freezer. She wasn't about to deny the girl anything, even if she was confusing her. "Looks like you're in luck. Rachel only likes her nasty health food but we have a mostly full tub of chocolate ice cream and half a cake from the last time Finnocence came by to take her out. Would you like some? We'll just steal it."
Santana was pleased by the way Brittany's expression brightened as she looked over in interest. She set to work, making some Nutella and chocolate chip pancakes for Brittany with the blonde's instructions, even if she had barely any idea of what she was doing.
Santana wasn't the best cook and Brittany kept periodically coming over to see what she was doing, even though Santana urged her to just relax on the couch and wait for her to bring the food over when she was done. At least the pancakes Santana ended up making were actually pretty fluffy and Brittany seemed thrilled with them.
Santana got Brittany settled back on the couch with a blanket, entertained by the sight of the blonde girl casually eating a slice of chocolate cake with the chocolate hazelnut spread drizzled over it generously and dark chocolate ice cream scooped onto the side, then a small stack of pancakes with that.
Santana was amused and slightly amazed, even if the thought of eating that all turned her stomach a little first thing in the morning, Brittany made it seem funny and cute. It was adorable seeing Brittany like this. It was so typically Brittany for her to act this way and the pregnancy only amplified her cuteness somehow.
The problem was it made her want to kiss the blonde so badly whenever she looked at her on that couch.
She raised an eyebrow questioningly when the blonde gasped.
"Oh wow, that's weird. I don't feel sick at all even after all of that," Brittany announced randomly in amazement. "I feel great."
"Sick? Were you expecting to be?" Santana laughed.
"It's just that I've had morning sickness for weeks and today's the first day without it."
"Oh Britt," She winced, feeling pity for the girl when she realized what she meant. "I kind of feel guilty. It's kind of my fault you've been going through that."
"Hey, don't be. It takes two to tango. Mom, Dad, and Stacy are going to be thrilled when they see you. We should go pack your stuff and book your flight. I have a ticket for a flight home tomorrow night."
Santana couldn't help but share Brittany's excitement at the idea. She was still nervous about being able to handle being in such close proximity to the blonde but she was so relieved to be leaving the loft. Living with the Pierces reminded her of so many good times from the past, back when things were so much simpler and happier.