Chapter 7: Stages of Grief
Early the next morning, Xev awoke to the sound of a moth flying overhead. She had slept by the fire, same as before, while Stanley slept in the damaged moth to escape the flies. Before going to sleep last night, she had taken the time to rub out any remaining traces of her clothes by the fire. She didn't want the reminder. Starting today, she was going to look forward, not back.
She jumped up with a whoop and waved her arms overhead in greeting. The moth chirped as it circled lower. She could make out Kai, who gave a small wave out the window. Kai swung the moth around, and neatly landed it beside the damaged moth. Xev ran up to the moth just as Kai was opening the canopy.
"Hi Kai!" Xev exclaimed, barely able to contain her excitement.
"Hello Xev," said Kai as he jumped down to the ground. Xev wrapped her arms around Kai in a bear hug, pressing against him as hard as she could, and gave Kai a kiss on the lips. Kai did not respond at all, which she should have expected, but it was still disappointing.
Xev stepped back and waved to herself with a flourish. "Notice any change?"
She held out her arms, and turned around slowly, giving Kai a full view of herself.
"I do not," replied Kai. "Your skin is in excellent condition. I see no evidence of carcinoma or melanoma."
"About my clothes?" Xev pouted.
"Bring them to me, I can examine them as well."
Xev sighed in frustration and tried again. "I can't. Stanley burned my clothes yesterday and now I have nothing to wear," she said in a breathless rush.
She made another turn, this time faster. "What do you think?"
"I think," replied Kai in his characteristic monotone, "you were fortunate to have not been wearing them at the time."
He started to turn away.
Xev rolled her eyes. "Oh come on Kai. Don't you find it the least bit interesting to see me naked?"
Kai gazed at her with complete detachment. "The dead do not care about such things."
"Well I for one find it very 'uplifting' to see you naked," said Stanley, having overheard the tail-end of the conversation as he came up. He held his arms out wide and flicked his eyebrows up and down.
"Get it? 'Uplifting?' Do I get a hug? You know, the guy with a pulse?"
Xev answered by hauling off and slapping Stanley hard.
"Ow!" howled Stanley, "What was that for?"
"What happened to 'family,' Stanley?" she said angrily, her hands balled into fists.
"What are you talking about?" Stanley said as he gently rubbed his reddening cheek.
"Are you in the habit of coming on to your little sister?"
"What? Not that I have one, but no—of course not!"
"Then don't be coming on to me!"
Stanley's jaw dropped at that. "How is asking for a hug a come-on?"
"It's the way you asked, Stanley! There are hugs, and then there's the subtext. 'Can dirty older brother put his paws on his naked little sister?'"
"Well you are naked, and what about your subtext? 'Can horny naked sister seduce her older brother Kai?'"
"He's not my brother!" Xev raged. She stomped off to the campfire and sat down, back turned to Kai and Stanley.
"Okay! Yeah! I get it! I get it," Stanley called out angrily, still holding his cheek. "You want it both ways! Yesterday, we were all family. Today, I'm the brother because it suits you, Kai is the lover, and what does that make 790? The sex toy?"
Xev jumped up into the air, rotated in place, landed on her feet facing Stanley, and let out a half-human, half-cluster lizard screech. She took two steps towards Stanley, stopped, curled into a cluster lizard loop and rolled away in the direction of the good pond.
"I suggest," Kai said calmly as he watched Xev go, "you do not antagonize Xev. She is quite capable of killing."
"Yeah, I get that, but what in the name of His Shadow was that about?" said Stanley, astonished.
He threw his hands up. "I mean, she was so nice yesterday! And sure, I did a stupid thing and burned her clothes. It was bad at first, but she got over it. She came back, she sat right next to me, we joked around, we talked, she even said being nude didn't matter, at least for now. There were hugs and everything seemed fine, and now this?"
Kai looked at Stanley, his expression unreadable. "She is not 'over it.' Do not let yesterday's bravado fool you—she was in shock. Now she is in anger, denial and grief. You must be patient and give her time. At this stage, I believe she does not wish to regard herself as nude, nor to be reminded of that fact, which you did."
"I did?" said Stanley, looking puzzled.
"You did," replied Kai, "You explicitly used the word 'naked' three times."
"But she said it herself!" Stanley protested, waving in the direction Xev took.
"That does not matter," said Kai. "For the time being, refrain from reminders. Imagine her as clothed and treat her accordingly. In time there will be acceptance. Only then you can openly talk about it, even joke about it, but you must allow her to come to terms."
"Kai, you're making it sound like she's mourning over someone who died."
Kai cocked his head. "In a sense, she is. Everything from her past in the Light Universe is gone. Her dress was her last surviving personal possession, and now it too is gone. The emotional impact is considerable. It's not at all the same as the person who loses one possession among many."
"She still has those," Stanley said, pointing to the boots standing beside the damaged moth. "And I put the salvaged shoulder straps in her boots for safe keeping."
Kai gave him a stern look.
"Okay. Fine. Missing the point," said Stanley as he threw up his hands in surrender.
He sighed and paused for a moment to think.
"Moving on," Stanley said. "We're strangers in a strange galaxy. Dagobah is not exactly a thriving metropolis. We have no money, and nothing to trade. I suppose we could threaten somebody's planet—"
Kai frowned at the suggestion.
"—but even Xev would agree it's a bit much to blow up a planet just to get a dress. So where does that leave us?"
"Did she not make her own cluster lizard dress?" Kai said.
"Yeah, well, that was different. She had just been reborn and had to make her own clothes. I burned her clothes, so now it's my responsibility to replace it."
"If you cannot buy her a dress, then you must make her a dress," Kai pointed out.
"Um, okay. How?"
"There may still be dead cluster lizards on the Lexx. We can search the Lexx and check the condition of the hides. With luck, we may be able to harvest enough material to make a new dress."
"A new cluster lizard dress?" Stanley rubbed his hands together. "Now we're talking! Yeah, just skin a couple of cluster lizards and sew the pieces together. How hard can it be?"
"It will not be easy," replied Kai. "You may recall Xev's own efforts."
After her rebirth, Xev used her cluster lizard call to attract the few still-living lizards to her. With Kai's help, they butchered the lizards and hung up the skins to dry.
Xev's first "dress" wasn't a dress at all. It was a single skin she wrapped around herself like a towel, but it would never stay in place for more than a few minutes before dropping to the floor, leaving her nude, much to Stanley's amusement. Xev gave up wearing it, but used it as a sketchpad, drawing ideas with her fingernail, and "erasing" by smoothing out lines. It helped her think through what to do next.
The thinking paid off. Borrowing Kai and his brace, Xev went to work, trimming, shaping, punching holes, cutting strips. Her second attempt stayed put, but the skins were still drying and she had not allowed for shrinkage. Over time it became increasingly difficult to wear and it kept riding up higher and higher. She hadn't quite realized how exposing it had become until 790 dedicated his next poem to her "virtuous vagina." That inspired her to sort through cuttings and add a thong to her ensemble.
Her final dress, the best one yet and the one Stanley burned, was her fourth try. By then, even with reusing material from her prior efforts, the ready supply of skins was gone, apart from a few remaining scraps.
"Oh," Stanley said, crestfallen. "Well, we have to try. I owe it to Xev. But meanwhile, I need to return to the Lexx. Get it angled in another direction for feeding. Why don't you come with? We can talk some more about the dress idea."
"What about Xev?" Kai asked.
"Uh, why don't you go ask her, Kai? She might bite my head off—literally."
Stanley waited by the relative safety of the moths as Kai walked off to confer with Xev. He returned a few minutes later.
"She says she will stay here for the time being. She asked me to remind you of your pledge."
Stanley clutched at his jumpsuit. "Okay. I have no problem with Xev staying here, wild, free, and… dressed for the occasion. Let's go."
Xev looked up from the good pond's edge as she heard a moth take off in the distance. It was too far away to see through the trees. Yesterday, Stanley had been amazingly supportive and understanding. By the time she went to sleep last night, she was almost back her old self.
Then Stanley just had to be a jerk this morning. Now she was regretting her decision to let him keep the jumpsuit for the time being, but she had made the Dagobah Rule, and she was determined to see that part through. For now, she would be patient and not let Stanley get under her skin again.
"Ha! Under my skin. What else can he get under but my skin?" she morosely said to herself.
As she was brooding, Yoda walked up and patiently waited for her to notice his presence.
Xev looked up. "Good morning," she said in a quiet voice.
"Come, come," Yoda said, motioning for Xev to follow. "Much to learn you have."
"About the Force?" Xev asked eagerly.
"About plants," Yoda replied. "Keep feeding you, I cannot. Learn to forage, you must. Teach you I will."
Xev laughed. "You are ever so right. Thank you."
She got up, and together they slowly walked into the forest, stepping carefully, looking around.
Yoda began pointing out plants here and there: fruits, nuts and berries Xev could eat along the way; plants that could be harvested for their leaves and stems; vegetables and roots that were edible after cooking. There was so much to learn! She hoped she could remember it all.
A couple of hours later, Xev and Yoda returned to camp and began roasting some potato-like roots for a midday meal. They had been busy the entire time talking about plants, and Yoda promised to show her even more tomorrow.
As their conversation wound down, it occurred to Xev she had quite forgotten about her predicament. Because she had forgotten, it hadn't worried her.
With that came a realization: all her brave talk about nudity not bothering her only served to remind herself she was nude—and that, ironically, bothered her. As she discovered today, an simple way to deal with her loss was to stay busy.
Another thought: Stanley's blundering sexual innuendos were nothing new. Normally they didn't bother her and she responded in kind, trading barb for barb. What was different about this morning?
One reason, she realized, was that she had misgivings about Stanley following through on his pledge. She had freely given up her jumpsuit rights on the ground—that part she still viewed as reasonable—but in a moment of generosity she'd too quickly waived nearly all access while on board the Lexx, maintaining only the tiniest thread of possibility that she might, one day, ask for the jumpsuit.
And really, why should she be the one to go naked when this was all Stanley's fault? The punishment should fit the crime. Force Stanley to go naked, and if he didn't like it, too bad, so sad.
Xev sighed, letting go of her rebuilding anger. In spite of it being his mistake, she did feel a smidgen of sympathy for Stanley and his hangups. What Stanley did was simple negligence, not willfulness.
You're turning into a softy, she admonished herself.
Xev chuckled softly as a new thought struck her. If she did take Stanley's clothes, then she would be the one stuck seeing his scrawny bare ass day after day, and how much of that could she take? And, the jumpsuit smelled like Stanley. For her own sanity's sake, she might be better off letting him keep it.
She sighed once again. She had circled back to the choices she made yesterday. But, it only made some sense as long as there actually was a choice; not in theory, but in practice. To keep her edge, she would have pull on that thread first chance she got, while Stanley still felt guilty. If she didn't, her jumpsuit option would disappear over time.
Xev smiled, amused as a new idea struck her. If Stanley did break his pledge and didn't volunteer his jumpsuit, there was always Plan B: beat the crap out of him and take it. If it came down to Plan B, she'd burn the damn thing before she'd ever give it back. If that meant both of them going naked, so be it—even if it did mean having to see his scrawny bare ass.
Another thing Xev realized: back on the Lexx, Stanley had generally steered clear of her when she was naked. Now it couldn't be avoided—one of them had to be naked, and Stanley didn't know how to deal with it. Feeling guilty only made things worse. In his own stupid Stanley way, he had been overcompensating this morning.
In short, they both had coping problems.
Xev reached out with a stick to turn over the potato-like roots. Her introspection made her realize that by identifying their problems, they could overcome them. They had already overcome far worse. Compared to Mantrid, nudity was nothing—a minor inconvenience.
Xev took in a deep breath and let it out. Thinking things through made her feel a lot better.
Later that afternoon, as Xev swam in the good pond, she heard the sound of a moth fly by.
Back already, she thought.
Xev climbed out and ran all the way back to the main clearing, droplets of water streaming off her body as she went. The moth had already landed. Kai was talking to Yoda, and Stanley was struggling to unload several large bottles from the moth. Curious, she went over to the moth to see what was going on.
"Hi Stanley," she said cheerfully as she walked up. "Did you bring my sex toy?"
Stanley practically threw the empty bottles into the air before turning around. The shocked expression on his face was too much.
Xev bent over laughing, her hands on her knees for support. Stanley's expression changed to a blank, wide-eyed stare, which made her laugh even more. Finally, Stanley hesitantly joined her with a forced, nervous laugh while looking ready to flee.
"Oh!" Xev said as she began to recover. She partially straightened and weakly waved a hand at Stanley. "That was so worth it!"
"Well if you want me to go get 790…" Stanley said, not entirely sure what was happening, but he guessed Xev didn't mean it. He turned and play-acted getting back into the moth.
"Never tell 790!" said Xev as she fully straightened up. "We'd never hear the end of it."
"More than that," Stanley replied with a smile. "790 would do his utmost become an actual sex toy!"
They both laughed at that, genuinely this time on Stanley's part. They gazed into each others eyes, smiling, their sense of friendship rekindled.
The moment passed and things became awkward. They both looked down and made small kicking motions at the ground.
Xev looked back up at Stanley. "About this morning..." she started and trailed off.
"Yeah, I'm sorry, Xev. I should have realized I was being inappropriate."
"Ha! 'Inappropriate' is just you being you. It hadn't occurred to me until now that this might be difficult for both of us, not just me."
Xev held up her hand, a small gap showing between index finger and thumb. "But maybe for now, dial back the innuendo just a little?"
Stanley held up his hands. "Hey, no problem. Sorry again."
"So," said Xev as she looked around. "What's with all the bottles?"
"Oh right." Stanley stooped down and began to collect bottles. "Kai has something in mind," he said mysteriously as he worked.
Stanley straightened up and brightened. "Hey Xev, do you mind if we take your boots back to the Lexx? You're not using them after all."
He had a slightly strained smile, which raised Xev's suspicions.
"And why do you want them?" she asked in a warning tone. The last thing she needed was Stanley losing her boots. That would be too much.
"Oh, hey, nothing bad. We just want to examine them. And have 790 scan them too. Your boots will not be harmed. And when we're finished, we can either bring them back here, or store them in your sleeping chamber. Your choice."
"I'm still not sure why you want them," Xev said, but with less suspicion.
"Well, we have an idea, and examining the boots is part of it. If you don't mind, I'd rather not say yet because we don't know if this idea will pan out. But I won't lie to you Xev. It's going to take a lot of time—weeks probably."
Stanley gave a weak smile and nervously clutched at his jumpsuit.
Xev sighed. "All right Stanley, you can have the boots. Just put them in my sleeping chamber when you're done. Weeks huh…."
Xev paused as she considered. Before Stanley said it, she had already figured it could easily be weeks, possibly months, before she had anything resembling clothes again. For one thing, it would be foolish to stop Lexx's feeding early just to go on a clothing hunt, especially in a galaxy they knew nothing about. At least on Dagobah, going natural wasn't an issue.
She also guessed any plans of Stanley's involved begging or stealing clothes from another planet, but that assumed human-sized, compatible clothing was readily available. What if this entire galaxy had nothing but Yoda-sized people? Clothes couldn't be stolen, they would have to be custom made, which would lead to complications. They might have to start visiting other galaxies in this universe.
What if fabric made by and for an alien species came from a plant that, unknown to everyone, was poisonous to humans? Any acquired clothing would have to be tested before she could wear it. All these unknowns meant she was likely in it for the long haul.
What she didn't expect was Stanley apparently trying to come up with a home-grown solution. Whatever little project Stanley was up to, the time spent would probably make little difference in the end. And who knows? He might actually surprise her.
Not that she would tell any of this to Stanley.
"You're asking for a lot of time there…. Tell you what. I'll give you a week to get started, at the end of which I want to see what you're doing. If I approve, you can have more time, but I'm not promising weeks."
"Thanks Xev! That's great!" Stanley exclaimed with great relief. He took a step forward, arms out, and hesitated.
Xev made a face. "No hugs, but maybe you can find out if 790's head actually vibrates," she said coolly.
She turned and walked off, hiding a smile as she headed back to the good pond.
Stanley shook his head as he watched her go. "Hey, that was a joke, right?" he called out. "Right? Hello?"