Chapter 9: Looking for Lizards

Another week had gone by and Stanley was nervous. That first cluster lizard—half really, and in poor condition—wasn't a discovery. Kai already knew about it. It was simply a matter of retrieving it, skinning it, and getting started on their swamp water tanning experiment. That part was well underway when he showed Xev the bottles of lizard skin. A couple of days ago, Stanley and Kai had decided the skins had soaked long enough. They fished them out of the bottles and allowed them to dry. As far as Stanley could tell the experiment was a success, but time would tell.

Now they had hit a snag. No new cluster lizards; at least, not yet. Xev was returning to the Lexx for a progress report, and they had nothing new to show. During the week, Stanley remembered Xev's comment about a loincloth, and that had given him an idea. He was tired of Xev always seeming to have the upper hand and wanted to try a little payback of his own. Of course, if it really pissed her off, he might lose his jumpsuit. He was waiting in the "tanning" chamber as they now called it. He didn't have long to wait.

"Hi Stanley," Xev said with a big smile as she breezed in, escorted by Kai. "Is my new dress ready?"

"No pressure there," Stanley commented. "Sorry Xev, but I'm afraid we don't have much to show this time around. Kai has been searching the Lexx for almost two weeks now and so far, no new cluster lizards."

Xev looked pouty and disappointed.

"But hey!" Stanley quickly added. "Speaking of not much to show, here's something you can wear in the meantime until your dress is ready. Now close your eyes and hold out your hand…."

Xev was a bit suspicious but did as she was asked. She felt something lightweight and soft dropped in her hand. She opened her eyes and found she was holding a small flap of cluster lizard skin leather attached to a long leather cord. "What's this?" she said as she held it up.

"It's a loincloth!" Stanley said with a barely concealed smile.

"A loincloth? This isn't a loincloth! It's way too small to be a loincloth." Xev held it to herself. "If I ignore my pubes hanging out, it just might cover my labia if I stand still and if there isn't a breeze. I don't even know what to call it."

Stanley grinned. "Yeah, not a loincloth. How about a 'snatch patch?'"

Xev rolled her eyes. "That's all it would be, assuming it stays in place instead of flapping about. Why bother wearing it?"

"But Xev," Stanley teased. "It's really you. It's a bold statement for a bold person. It sends a message."

"What message?" snorted Xev. "Open to the public?"

"I was thinking 'no secrets,' but that works too."

"And you expect me to wear this?"

"Well sure, if you like." Stanley paused for a second and then burst out laughing. "No, not really. It's just a little joke."

"A very little joke," said Xev, steaming.

"Hey, the smaller the better," Stanley grinned back.

"Is there a reason you asked me over here besides giving me a novelty snatch patch?" Xev tossed the snatch patch back to Stanley, who stuffed it in a pocket.

"Look Xev, I'm sorry we don't have anything new to show you. But I also don't want you to think we're trying to hide anything from you either." Stanley grinned. "After all, it's not like you're hiding anything."

"Getting on my nerves, Stanley."

"Sorry." Stanley looked to Kai, clapping his hands together. "So, Kai, how much longer do you think it will take to finish searching the Lexx?"

"To complete a full search of the Lexx will take up to three additional weeks."

"Three weeks!" exclaimed Xev and Stanley simultaneously. They looked at each other.

"Sorry Xev," Stanley apologized. "I had no idea this could take so long. But look Kai, you're a dead guy, right? And you don't sleep, right? Except when you're in cryo. So can't you search the corridors twenty-four hours a day?"

"I am already doing so," replied Kai. "The three week estimate assumes I search twenty-four hours a day."

Stanley and Xev looked at each other aghast, jaws slightly dropped.

"What about your protoblood Kai?" asked a worried Xev. "Isn't this search causing you to use it up a lot faster than usual?"

"Yes," replied Kai, "I have used much of my reserve already."

"Well why didn't you say something?" exclaimed Stanley, upset.

"The dead do not care about such things."

"Well we care!" exclaimed Xev. "All right, that's it, Kai! Back to cryo for you. Stanley and I will finish the search ourselves."

"Even with two of us, it will still take at least three weeks, maybe even longer," Stanley pointed out.

"I don't care! I will NOT have Kai running out of protoblood," said Xev, close to tears. "The cryochamber is just down the corridor. Now move!"

Xev was not brooking any more arguments. They all left the tanning chamber and headed down the corridor.

"So I guess this means you'll be staying on the Lexx, right?" asked Stanley.

"Yes. I'd rather stay here while we're searching," replied Xev as they entered the cryochamber.

Kai stepped backwards into a cryopod. "Wake me if you need me," he said as the transparent lid closed.

"We will," replied Xev, and activated the pod. The moment it sealed shut, she spoke while staring at Kai. "Stanley! How could you? Kai's protoblood is far too precious to be wasted searching weeks on end! Once it's gone, it's gone!"

"Believe me Xev, I know. But I didn't think it would take so long. And you do seem to be in a hurry, not that I blame you, and Kai can cover a lot more ground than either of us."

Xev rounded on Stanley. "Oh, so now it's my fault?" she blazed. "And just who set my clothes on fire? Hmm?"

Stanley threw up his hands. "I just said I didn't blame you! But you know what, you want clothes now? Fine!" Stanley replied angrily. He quickly stripped off his jumpsuit and tossed it onto the floor at Xev's feet. "Now you have clothes. Enjoy." Stanley turned and stalked out of the cryochamber with as much dignity as he could muster, an exit spoiled by a large hole in his underwear.

Xev watched him go, a little surprised, her own anger forgotten. The mental image of Stanley's butt cheek peeking through that hole made her laugh. She picked up the jumpsuit, took a close look at it, and for the first time noticed how faded and worn it had become.

Oh Stanley, she thought, how much longer are your own clothes going to last?

After checking the bridge, Xev headed for Stanley's sleeping chamber. She stopped outside and her lips quirked up in a little smile. "Hey Stanley? Are you decent?" she called out.

"Not gonna answer the question Xev," came the reply.

Xev shrugged and walked into the chamber. Stanley's bed was set up inside an old, dead moth. He was seated on the edge, eyes cast down. He looked up and gave a simple "Hi."

For his part, Stanley was a little surprised to see Xev holding the jumpsuit instead of wearing it. He gave a snort.

"What's so funny?" Xev asked as she sat down, putting the jumpsuit down between them.

"Oh, it's just the twisted logic of our current situation. When you walked in just now holding my jumpsuit instead of wearing it, the thought that popped into my head was, 'At least she's not showing off.' You know, being the new owner of the jumpsuit and all."

Xev laughed at that. "When going naked isn't showing off but wearing a jumpsuit is, things have definitely gotten turned around, haven't they? Look Stanley, it's okay. You can have your jumpsuit back." She gave it a pat.

"Thanks, but, what's it been? About two weeks? You said yourself you didn't want to be running around naked forever… oh, sorry." Stanley flinched back.

"It's okay, Stanley. I'm not going to hit you." Xev thought about Stanley's comment. "Two weeks? Somehow, it seems longer than that."

"Well anyway, I've realized it's not fair for me to keep wearing this jumpsuit when you literally have nothing—well, apart from prison straps and boots. It's time you had a turn. If the search is going to take up to three more weeks, why don't you wear it for the next two weeks, and after that we take turns? That is, assuming you don't want to keep it outright."

"No, no, you can have it Stanley," Xev replied.

Stanley simply looked puzzled.

Xev sighed. "Okay, the truth is, I don't want to wear your jumpsuit. It's horribly itchy and it actually caused me to break out in little red spots the last time I tried it on for maybe all of a minute."

Comprehension dawned on Stanley's face. "Oh right. I'd forgotten about that."

"Forgotten? How can you stand to wear the thing, Stanley? You could always wear this instead." Xev pulled out the snatch patch. "We'd make a great team—the love slave with nothing to hide, and the man with no secrets."

"That would sure be true," Stanley chuckled quietly. He pondered for a moment, staring ahead into space.

"When I was a security guard back on the Cluster, some of the other guards really hated me. They were loyal to His Divine Shadow, but I was still considered Ostral-B. The only reason I was still alive was in case I was ever wanted for further questioning. They would do things to me all the time. The last trick they pulled was to dump itching powder into my jumpsuit."

Stanley turned to look at Xev. "That first day was agony. I developed a bad rash. Then I found the stuff wouldn't wash out, and the same guys who dumped in the itching power would deny requests for a replacement." Stanley paused. "That itchy feeling never truly goes away, but after a while you do sort of become numb to it."

"Well we're not on the Cluster any more. Why not get rid of it?"

Stanley shook his head. "Let's not throw away our only option just yet. If you're still naked when we find a civilized planet, I could fetch clothes for you and bring them back. If both of us are naked, that may not be possible. Besides, this jumpsuit has sort become part of me now. In some ways I'm almost afraid not to wear it, for fear I'd lose my resistance."

He gave a little shutter. "I don't want to go through the agony of getting used to it all over again."

Xev patted Stanley on the arm. "Okay, then it's settled. You keep your jumpsuit and I'll keep… well, I suppose there's always this." Xev dangled the snatch patch from her index finger.

Stanley smiled. "You might as well wear it as a headband for all the modesty it provides."

"Ha! On Dagobah, I'd rather be naked. It's far more convenient."

"Yeah, don't bother. A better idea would be to stick it outside somewhere for a few days. That had been the original plan until I fashioned it into a microscopic snatch patch. We'll probably only get one shot at treating skins with tannic acid before making a dress. Better to find out now if it's going to hold up to the bugs and the elements."

"Good idea," said Xev, twirling the snatch patch on her finger. "I'll take this out to the clearing and let Yoda know I'll be staying aboard the Lexx for a while. And tomorrow we'll start searching."

Galactic Veterans Association Post D26T8101

For once, former Sergeant Adian Rix of the Imperial Army wasn't bored. After retirement, he thought he would like nothing better than to simply live out the remainder of his days as quietly as possible. Rix and his wife loved each other very much during his long deployments, but once he was home permanently, the friction began. Four months after retirement, Rix came home one day to discover his wife had moved out. With nothing better to do, he began to volunteer at the local GVA post. Rix quickly found that volunteers were assigned the jobs no one else wanted.

The job he was currently working was "anonymous contracts." Normally this was routine stuff, but a couple of weeks ago an unusual contract was forwarded to Post D26T8101 as a "local matter." He had dutifully posted it, then, with nothing better to do, began to read the contract offer. What Rix found intrigued him. It was a capture or hit on an unknown "bug" ship with possible rebel connections. It didn't take a genius to see why this had been punted to them instead of being handled by GVA headquarters—it just seemed too weird to be true.

Rix didn't expect to see much action on this one, and sure enough, over the past two weeks there had only been two inquires, and neither had been serious. Now, he finally had a serious inquiry. As was typical in cases like this, the person he was speaking to was an unknown on a voice-only link. Transactions were typically conducted via single-use account numbers.

"It's a risky contract," said the distorted voice over the link. "I want half up front, and half when we finish the job."

"That's not how contracts work at the GVA," Rix responded. "And you know it. You get your money at the end of the contract, not before."

"For the small stuff, sure, but this isn't small stuff, soldier. For a contract like this, I have expenses to cover ahead of time. I want half up front."

"Let me lay it on the line for you," said Rix. "The best I can do on my own authority is a thirty percent advance on the contract. Any more than that, and it has to be kicked back to headquarters for approval, and headquarters dumped this on us in the first place because someone there didn't want to deal with it. If I have to send this off for approval, chances are the contract will simply disappear, if not outright be canceled." Rix's actual limit was forty percent, but he wasn't about to mention that.

There was silence for a moment at the other end of the link. "Split the difference. Forty percent up front."

"Buddy, you're killing me," replied Rix. "Look, I'm only doing this as a courtesy, soldier to soldier." Rix opened an empty document and banged furiously away at his keyboard for sound effects. "Okay, if I kite funds from another pending contract, I can get you thirty-three percent up front. Any more than that and what I'm doing gets noticed and my ass is in the sling."

"Thirty-three percent will do. You will receive account information later."

"Great, it's a deal. How soon can you get started?"

"I have another contract to complete, and supplies to purchase. In about two weeks or so."

"I have to put in a follow-up date for contract review," Rix replied. "Will four weeks be enough?"

"Yes, but make it eight weeks. I don't like to be rushed."

"Eight weeks it is." Rix broke the connection, sat back and smiled. This contract almost made him want to become a soldier again. Almost. There was a reason he was here, and not mixed up with mercenaries. Rix couldn't afford a good prosthesis—his was off-the-shelf Imperial army issue. Time to take a break. He stood up and walked gingerly away to avoid shooting pains the army doctors insisted couldn't be happening.