Chapter 61: Be My Mistake (The 1975)
Quinn's POV
L.A.
Med School Year 1
SEPTEMBER
"Hey, Silver." Ish called out to me during my first month of med school, when the car broke down and I needed a ride to campus.
"Silver? What's that about?"
"It's what everyone calls you, did you not know?"
"Is that short for silver spoon?" I was annoyed instantly.
"Well, they live in squat apartments, and you have a house in Brentwood."
"You live in Beverly Hills, and have old money! We should be calling you Golden. Also, my father-in-law paid for this house. I've worked for everything I have, Ish."
"Easy there. It's a joke."
"Well, I don't like it."
"Fine, Quinn, how's your back?"
"I had physical therapy last night, so I'm sore."
"And cranky, here take these." He pulled a pill sorter from his pocket. "Take one of those, it will get you through the day."
"What is it?"
"Just a pain killer. Don't worry, I wouldn't screw you over. Other than Darlene, you're the only one I can tolerate."
"Promise me."
"I promise."
So, for the first time in ages, I took unprescribed medication, knowing that it was a dumb move. The pill got me through my 1st two classes, and Ish gave me another to get me through the rest.
When I got home a few hours later, without any major crash, I felt invincible.
When I walked into the house, San was sitting at the table with Beth doing homework.
"How are my girls?" I asked, feeling untouchable.
Beth jumped from her chair and hugged me. "Hi, Mama! How was school?"
San didn't get up, instead she was watching Beth with a smile on her face.
"Good, how about you, Sweets?"
"I still miss my old school, but this one is okay."
"Good."
"Hey Kiddo, can you see if your brother is awake?" San asked Beth, and my darling girl giddily agreed before running towards the stairs. "Walk, please."
It was so good to see San in action.
"You're so good with her."
My wife stood up and wrapped me in her arms. "You look tired, Q."
"I am, a little."
"Your pupils are huge."
"Dr. Brooks gave me something for the pain."
"Oh, yeah? That was nice of her. What was it?"
"No idea."
She tilted her head, eyes reading my face. "That doesn't seem very safe that you took something without knowing what it was."
"Is this an interrogation, San?"
"No, I'm just checking in, Luce."
I brushed my fingers over her face and kissed her.
"I miss you, Princess. It's been too long."
"I miss you, too."
When I kissed her, she rubbed tiny circles on my back, and I melted against her.
Santana has known me for most of my life, which means that she knows when I'm lying.
I forget that sometimes.
"So good, fuck me harder, Princess. Please?" I whimpered as I gripped her hair.
She had been sucking my clit, and fucking me deep for nearly an hour, edging me until I felt like I'd explode.
I was edging even closer this time, just one more swipe of her tongue and I'd be a goner, but instead she stopped moving.
When I looked down at her, I was met with the coldest glare. "Tell me the truth." She said, in such a deep tone that I barely heard her.
"San, please?"
"Did Dr. Brooks really give you drugs?"
She was watching me, her fingers still pressed deeply into me, not moving.
"Are you fucking joking?" I tried to push her hand away, but she was holding tight to my hip. "Please don't be mad." I begged.
"What did you take? This is your last chance."
"Or what?"
She pulled her fingers from me and let go of my hip.
I felt like crying.
"I came to L.A. for you to become a doctor, not for you to become addicted to pills again."
"I'm not."
"Then why lie?"
"I didn't."
"I don't know what I took. One of the other students gave me two painkillers. I took them, I got through my fucking day. That's it."
"And what about tomorrow? If you're in pain then, or the next day?"
"I'll take aspirin."
"Not good enough."
She got up then, and even though it was midnight in Ohio, she called her mother.
And I just sat there, naked, horny, and so fucking ashamed.
I'd undone a piece of her trust.
Lesson learned.
L.A.
Med School-Year 1
DECEMBER
"So, how is your first year going? Still want to be a doctor?" Asha asked me, while I sat in my in-laws living room wrapping presents.
"It's going well, it's more intense than Yale or UPenn, but I still want to be a doctor."
"Excellent, and how's your back?"
"It's good, I use a cane sometimes, but I'm managing."
"When do you start up again?"
"After New Years', you?"
"Same."
"Are you going home at all for the holiday?"
"No, with the wedding creeping closer, it's better that I'm not in the way."
"Translation, you don't want to be dragged around on a million errands."
"Precisely."
I heard San's soft footsteps coming into the room, and I was on high alert, but I couldn't let her know that.
Her mini-intervention back in September had made me erect a wall between us that only I could see.
I didn't like how she'd thrown me under the bus with her mom, or how anxious she was when I was holding the baby the day after.
"Well, if you're ever in L.A. come visit us, I'm sure San and the kids would love to see you."
"Oh…okay. She's there, I guess. You should get better at being secretive. I love you. Give me a call if you need anything."
"Will do. I love you too. Give Vanessa a big hug for me, even if she fights you off."
"Definitely."
I put the last piece of tape on the gift I'd been wrapping, and then turned to look at my wife.
"How's Asha?" She asked, as she handed me a fresh mug of cocoa.
"She's good, staying in Baltimore for the holidays."
"Why'd you rush off the phone?"
"Even though we've both moved on, it still feels disrespectful being on the phone with her when you're around."
"Oh."
"San?"
"Yes, love?"
"Are we okay?"
I don't know why I asked, since I was the one with the wall, maybe it was the way she touched me less and seemed to have a wall of her own.
Or maybe it was the faint smell of smoke on her fingers when she handed me my cup.
"Where's this coming from, Q?"
"I know you see it, the way we have this space between us."
"I'm sitting right next to you."
"You know that's not what I meant."
She sighed. "We are in a new place, you're in school every day, so is Beth. Other than Mercedes, I don't have many friends, just me and the baby every day. I may be forgetting how to have adult conversations."
"And the sex?"
"What about it?"
"It's been nonexistent for over a month, we haven't had sex since your birthday."
"That's not true…" She sipped her cocoa and then scrunched up her face. "Wait, I guess, you're right."
"So again, I ask, are we okay?"
"We're fine, Luce, we hit a rut. It happens."
"And you're okay with that?"
"No, I'm not. We should make an effort."
"Yeah?"
"Yes. Want to go up now and get in a quickie before my parents get back from shopping?"
"God, yes!"
For Gabriel's first birthday, we had a party with Santana's cousins and all the other kids her parents knew. Beth was in Texas, Vanessa was snowed in back in Baltimore, while my mother was hovering in the background getting into things.
The main thing she was in, was my business.
"Is the honeymoon over?" She said to me while I cleaned up the dishes, when everyone left.
San was giving Gabriel a bath, so there was no buffer between me and my mother.
"What are you talking about?"
"I lived with you for months, Quinnie, I don't know what happened, but this is not how you two were in Philly."
"Just because your relationships are in shambles doesn't mean mine are too."
She pressed a cool hand to my burning back, and I went rigid.
"You may be able to fool everyone else, but I know you, on and off pills. I know you in pain, and I know when you're happy."
"I'm not on drugs, Mother. I'm always in pain, that's a constant that I've learned to live with if I want to walk, and I am very happy. My miracle baby just turned one. My Sweets is healthy and happy, and my wife is making sure our house is a home. What's there to not be happy about?"
Obviously, I had lost my poker face at some point because my mother just rubbed my sore back and kissed the side of my face, letting me live in denial just like she'd raised me to do.
"I love you, no matter what. You have a support system, something I never had. Don't take it for granted, and if you need me to come play nanny again, I'd be okay with that too. That's all I'm going to say."
I nodded and continued to wash the dishes while shifting from foot to foot.
For months, Ish had become my closest friend, giving me pills for extra study sessions, and the answers to quizzes.
He tried to push things further, but I stopped him.
Cheating on my wife was a line I refused to cross.
If I crossed that line, then I'd have to admit that I had blown up our happy lives in Philly, to chase a dream and a habit that I should be way past.
I had things under control.
That was why I insisted on being in Lima for the holidays, I needed space between me and Ish, to prove that I wasn't addicted.
I needed to prove to myself that I was the same evolved woman.
But I was a terrible actress, that's what the world around me was saying.
And if I was going to be a doctor, I had to learn to master my face.
Med School-Year 1
FEBRUARY
"You like this, Princess?"
"Yes!
It had taken some serious self-analysis, but I'd cracked the code on getting through this pain, consistency.
If I set a new norm, then people wouldn't compare me to some older version of myself.
When Ish gave me pills, instead of taking a full one, I'd break it down into smaller doses.
Lessening the pain instead of numbing it, was the key, and it was working.
My sex drive was back, and so was my personality.
Santana dropped her wall the moment I started to be present in the everyday.
And now, I was breaking down one last wall.
It was Valentine's day, and I was fucking her slowly, she was on top riding that monster that she claimed was too big for her while I moved my hips in time with hers.
"You're so beautiful, Princess, you're soaking us both."
"So good, fuck…it's too much." She whimpered as she slowed her hips.
I flicked her clit, and she started moving again. "Greedy girl." I said, and she grinned.
"Yes! Fuck!"
She came with a shout and then fell forward against me with a groan. "You okay, Princess?"
"Can't feel my legs."
"That good?"
I went to slide my shorts off, but she stopped me. "Not yet."
"You want more?"
"I know how much you like to watch me clean it." She said, her cheeks flushing in embarrassment.
"All the naughty things we've done and that makes you shy?"
"Please?"
"Clean me up, Princess."
She moved so fast, kneeling between my legs to give me a blow job I couldn't feel, but I knew her game.
Her fingers pressed into me when she took it into her mouth, the combination had me panting in seconds.
I buried my hand in her hair but didn't push her, I just needed to touch her.
Her eyes met mine, looking so dangerous and beautiful.
"More." I begged and she slid another finger in. "Yes! Yes! Yes! Santana! Fuck!"
We were both spent, but happy as we soaked in a tub to close out our night.
Normally, she was resting against me in the tub but this time I was in her lap as she dropped kisses on my neck and shoulders.
"I'm so proud of you, Q…I don't think I tell you enough."
"You are?"
"Definitely, my love."
"Well, I'm proud of you too. You took me so well, Princess."
"I've been practicing."
I went to turn but she held me tighter. "What do you mean, practicing?"
"I knew you'd want to use it again, so after I get the kids in bed and I've cleaned the house, I've been working on getting that thing inside without hurting myself."
"All by yourself?"
"Duh. I don't want anyone to see me like that, it makes me feel like a porn star."
"You do have a sex tape."
"Gross. Don't remind me."
We were making our way back to each other again, all I had to do was swallow down all the parts of me that needed to be numb, and I was getting better at it.
A doctor is a vessel of knowledge.
No one cares about the doctor's day, lives, or aches…everything is about the patient.
Ish had been helping me change my way of being, he'd grown up in a family full of doctors, and didn't know anyone's real personality.
As long as I was fucking my wife, being playful with my kids, and showing a modicum of pain in front of those who were paying attention, I was able to skate by.
Until I wasn't but by that point, I didn't care.
Med School-Year 1
MAY
First year of med school was nearly through, just two months to go, and I was no longer seen as a legacy silver spoon girl.
Now I was a contender, so what if I didn't get a summer break like everyone else.
Which is why my weekends were so fucking precious.
"Mama?"
"Yes, Sweets?"
"I need to ask you something."
I was lounging in my recliner, watching a movie with Beth and Gabriel, so that San could spend some time in her studio, when Beth paused the movie.
"Okay, Sweets, ask away."
"Can I skip Texas this summer?"
Not once since I'd gotten Beth back, had she asked to skip going to Texas.
"Why?"
"My dad, Puck…he's home for the summer and I really miss Philly. Can I stay there with them?"
"Them?"
"Uncle Jake and Aunt Kitty. They have two dogs, a backyard, and my little cousin, remember?"
"Have you talked Vince or Lydia about this?"
"No. I wanted to talk to you first."
"I don't know, Sweets, that's a long time to be at their house without me or your Mami close by. Won't you miss your brother?"
"Mami's fine with it if you are and I wouldn't be seeing Gabe anyway if I was in Texas instead."
This kid was going to be a lawyer, mark my words.
"When did you talk to Puck and Jake?"
"I talk to them every day, mostly. You don't miss Philly?"
"Of course I do, it's our first real home as a family." I admitted and finally, Beth's serious face turned to a smile.
"So maybe, I can do half and half, would that be okay?"
"I'm going to talk to your uncles, and your dad before I make a decision. Okay?"
"That's fair."
"Does this mean no Texas birthday party?"
"Mami is taking us to Disneyland, everyone is coming…we have ears with our names on them, it's been on the calendar for like a month."
She pointed to the giant family calendar that San had put up in the dining room, and sure enough on June 8th, there were big Mickey ears.
"Right, sorry, Sweets. I forgot."
She grumbled under her breath, and I let it slide because I'd be annoyed too.
At some point in my pill rationing, I started to lose pieces of my memory, and it started off small like misplacing my keys, and turned into forgetting expensive birthday parties that had been on the calendar for months, and long-planned visitors.
"Hi, Mi'ja." I was confused as I stood on the doorstep the next Saturday, and my in-laws were standing on the threshold.
"Hi! Bendicion, it's so good to see you!" I said, standing back and watching in awe as they brought in suitcases.
I felt like a visitor in Santana's home.
"I told you I'd pick you up!" San said as she came into the living room with Gabriel on her hip, both of them dressed for the day.
"We caught an earlier flight, it was cheaper." Antonio said.
They moved around like this wasn't a shock, and then I covertly went into the dining room and there it was.
MAMI & PAPI ARRIVE
And then I scanned for their leaving date, and there it was right after 4th of July.
When had this happened?
"Q, you good?" San asked me, and I smiled at her.
"Yeah, I thought they were coming tomorrow. I got my days mixed up."
"I reminded you last night."
"Right, you did." I said and rolled my eyes.
The three Lopezes were staring me down, and I played it off the best way I could but now I had my therapist and another doctor around for a whole month.
I had a one-week break at the end of June that I was looking forward too but now I wasn't so sure.
There was no way I could spend the summer under scrutiny.
Med School-Year 1
JULY
I was up before my alarm, fully dressed and drinking coffee when San came stumbling into the kitchen.
"You're going in today? It's the last day of your break, Q." San looked disappointed, "It's a holiday. We're cooking out."
"Hospitals don't close on holidays."
"But you're not a doctor yet."
"This is a great opportunity, San. I'm only going in for five hours. I'll be back before dinner at the latest."
"Promise me." She said, stepping into my personal space, and I kissed her sweet face.
"I promise, Princess."
She grinned. "I'm holding you too that. Please don't let me down."
"I'll be here."
"Good. I finished my first song, Mercedes is insisting I play it for our friends and family…but I don't want to unless you're here."
"I promise."
She cupped my cheeks and kissed me hard.
I groaned as she groped my boob. "I need you, when my parents leave, I need you to fuck me hard." She whispered next to my ear before nibbling on my lobe.
There was a car honking outside.
"That's Darlene, I gotta go, but don't you worry, Princess, I'll take care of you.
Never say the Q word in the ER.
The time to pack up and leave with Darlene flew by when I got the chance to observe a surgery from the gallery.
It was a pediatric case, which was my dream track, so I couldn't pass it up.
My phone was off, and I lost track of time.
By the time they closed, and the kid was thankfully okay, it was after dark and there were firecrackers going off.
I hoped to God, no one else lost a limb that night.
When I turned my phone on, I saw that it was after nine.
I'd been gone for nearly 14 hours, after promising Santana that I'd be home by dinner time.
Fuck.
Darlene had left without me hours before, thankfully Ish was around waiting for Dr. Brooks.
"Hey, can I ask for a favor?"
"Sure, my…Dr. Brooks is consulting on a surgery, she's still going to be another two hours."
"Take me home?"
It'd been a while since we'd been alone together. He'd made another pass at me back in May, when I noticed my tolerance was getting higher and I needed more pills.
I traded study time for pills instead.
He wasn't satisfied with that, so I'd put space between us.
So, I knew this ride wouldn't be free.
"On one small condition." He said to me, after nodding toward the parking garage.
I followed him like a lost puppy, ignoring my phone as it rang.
"What's the condition?"
"Get me off." He said, as he opened the passenger door. "I've got some new pills that should last longer, but they weren't cheap, and neither is gas on a day like today."
"I'm married."
"I'm not proposing. I'm just frustrated, and I'm about to spend six hours in a car with my grandparents in each direction. If I'm going to keep giving you shit, you need to start reciprocating."
I bit my lip as he walked to the driver's side.
Was I actually considering this?
Was it cheating if he didn't touch me?
"What do you say?" He asked me once he was in the car.
The space felt cramped, and now that I was sitting my back was throbbing.
"Pills first." I said.
He dug them out, a full bottle with my name printed on the script since he knew a guy.
"How's that for official? Even if she finds this, it won't make her concerned. I copied the label you gave me from before, the non-narc."
"How strong?"
"Break them in four. Space by six hours if you want to fly under the radar. Trust me."
"Fine…but you keep your hands on the wheel."
It was the first time I'd touched anyone but my wife since undergrad, it should have made me feel guilty but as I wiped my hand on a tissue before tossing it back at him, I was just annoyed.
Before getting out of the car, I slathered my hands in sanitizer before tucking the pill bottle in the bottom of my purse.
Ish pulled off the moment I was out of the car, having already gotten a call from Dr. Brooks.
I felt like I was walking to the gauntlet, when I saw her sitting on the front porch with her phone clutched in her hand.
Before I could say a word, she shook her head and stormed inside leaving the door open behind her.
And finally, I was drowning in guilt.
I followed Santana inside, and saw Maribel and Antonio cuddled up on the couch watching a movie.
I was about to greet them when I heard the microwave slam.
I gave them a quick nod, before walking into the kitchen.
San was pouring punch into a cup, and then pulled the food from the microwave.
I reached out for the food but she pulled her hand back and nodded to the table.
"Sit. I'm not going to have my parents talking shit about me being a bad wife because I didn't have food ready for you after a long day. I'm serving you, and you'll eat every bite, and thank me loudly." She hissed quietly.
"Okay, love."
I knew not to argue as I sat down and bowed my head to pray.
Santana sat watching me while I tore into the food, realizing that I hadn't eaten since that morning.
"I'm sorry." I said between bites.
"I'm leaving." She said bluntly and I choked on my food.
She slapped my back once, and I felt the searing pain of going too long without a dose.
"What do you mean you're leaving?"
"You're about to start back on your crazy schedule, so Gabe and I are going to Ocean City to spend time with Vanessa and Asha."
"You were invited?"
"We both were but you can't go, so I will."
"Oh. How long will you be gone?"
"I'll come back after Anthony's birthday. I can catch a train to Philly to grab Beth, then we will fly to Lima before coming back to L.A."
"Can he handle that?"
"Gabe is fine, besides I'll spend time in each place."
"What about me? I have a month long break in August."
"Do what you want, I know you're busy, but it would be nice if you met us in Lima, even if it's just a weekend."
"Okay. I'll meet you there, I promise."
Her face lit up, and she took my hand.
More guilt slammed into me, she was holding the same hand that I was unfaithful with, and when she brought it to her lips and kissed my knuckle, I nearly threw up.
Med School-Year 1
August
It'd been a lonely few weeks without my wife and kids.
No longer was I coming home to a plate and a warm body every night, and I hated it.
So I put in more study time to distract myself.
All I wanted was to be wrapped around San at night, and cuddling my kids during the day.
I just had one last thing to take care of.
Before break we had an exam, and I was in so much pain from overworking myself that I couldn't focus.
I want to say that's the reason for my temporary insanity.
Inviting just Darlene over to study had been intentional, she was way too much like Brittany for me to find her attractive.
What I didn't expect was for her to invite Ish.
Darlene had no idea that Ish and I had crossed several lines, probably because I only wanted him for the drugs she didn't know he was peddling.
When Darlene left early to deal with roommate drama, Ish shook a pill bottle at me.
"These will help tomorrow, it's only Adderall."
"You should go. I'm catching a flight after our exam tomorrow and really need sleep."
"Get me off, Quinn. She never has to know."
"No."
"You've been flinching all week, I know you want to stop the pills but why now?"
"What do you mean?"
"Stop them when you leave for a month but right now you have an exam to get through, then a long flight, right?"
"Yeah."
"So come on, show me your room. Let me return the favor from last time."
He'd done more than return the favor, he'd left bite marks on my body.
I passed my exam, and had more pills to numb the pain.
San wouldn't be back for two weeks, I should have gone to her but there was no way I could let her see the marks he'd left.
Instead of meeting my family in Lima, I scrubbed away every possible trace of what I'd done from our home.
And when Santana called I made up a lame excuse about needing rest and feeling sick.
I could tell she didn't believe me.
I was disgusted with myself.
This had to stop.
I couldn't think of a single person that wouldn't tell my wife or force me to do tell her.
Even Puck would tell her the truth, and Vanessa obviously become closer to Santana la
In this I was alone.
It's what I deserved.
The new mattress I bought, the layers of skin I scrubbed off, and the tears that I shed wouldn't fix a fucking thing.
To further break my own heart, I called my wife.
"Hey Q, I hope you're getting rest. Why didn't you FaceTime me?"
"I'm laying in the dark, you wouldn't be able to see my anyway."
"You sound sad."
"I miss you, and I feel terrible about not coming to Lima."
"The kids miss you."
"I'm sure they don't. I'm never around."
"Well Beth does. Gabe doesn't really miss anyone yet."
"Except you, when I have him on my own, he spends most of the time whinning for you."
"I'm his comfort person, I know what if feels like when your comfort person isn't around."
"Lucky for you Beth is there."
"You're my comfort person, Q. Just to be clear."
"Am I?"
"Yes. I miss you, I miss our bed. We haven't fucked in so long, I'm wet for you."
I bit back a sob.
"Are you alone?"
"Yes." She whimpered.
I knew she wanted phone sex, but I felt terrible. My body ached, but this wasn't about me.
"Have you been touching yourself, Princess?"
"Yes."
"Do you have the special toy we got for these kinds of trips?"
"Yes!"
"Turn it on, Princess. I've got my app ready."
I listened to be buzz, and then her moans in response.
"Fuck, Q, so good."
"I wish I could taste you, Princess."
"Please?"
"You want me to turn it up?"
"Please?"
I listened to her muffled cursing, as she came.
"You didn't get off with me, Q."
"I'm going to wait for you, Princess."
"I'm not going to be back for three more weeks."
"You're worth it, Princess."
"Say less."