Chapter 63: Never Really Over (Katy Perry)
Med School-Year 3
Quinn's POV
DECEMBER
"How was your rotation today?" Antonio asked me when I got home.
"Dermatology started this week, so it was gross but calm. How is she?"
"Healthier. I'm so glad you asked us to stay for a while. She really needed family around."
"I'm sorry, I wasn't enough."
"Are you ready to tell her about your issue?"
Antonio had called me out about pills I'd left out in my bathroom, and I had been honest.
Ever since he's been on me about cleaning up my act and going to a drug counselor.
It was the trade-off for him and Maribel to stay longer, and I held up my end of the deal as long as they let me tell San about it myself.
They hated that I still hadn't said anything, but as long as I came home clear-headed, they let it go.
I shook my head. "She's just getting over pneumonia, Pa, I can't trouble her with this. You stayed, I'm in a program on top of med school, and the kids are covered. She's covered."
"Do you remember your promise to me?"
I shook my head because my memory was like Swiss cheese when it came to anything that wasn't school.
"You told me that you'd be better to her than Brittany ever was."
"Oh."
"Do you feel like you have been?"
"No. I…I threw myself into this, just like Yale, but with a wife and kids, it feels impossible. I put everything on her, it's no surprise her body broke down."
"Listen, they won't say this to you, but I will. Santana is fragile. She's small, sensitive, and selfless. It's very easy to take advantage of her. She has a big heart, just because you can get what you want from her doesn't mean you should."
I dropped my head in shame. For two months, I'd been free of Ish, who was on a different rotation. For two months, I had been coming home on time.
But it didn't make up for three years.
Not by a long shot.
"I know I've been neglectful, Pa. I asked you to stay because I knew you'd be able to do what I couldn't."
"We can't stay forever."
"But you can stay for now."
"Unless you are gunning to match with UCLA after your graduate, there are optional things you could forego. We both know that."
"I know. I just wanted to have an edge."
"Trust me, you don't need it."
"Are you sure?"
"If you don't match anywhere, you'll come work for me. As chief of surgery, I get a say in all hiring."
"Really? You'd hire me knowing I've had issues with…you know?" The house had ears, and I didn't want Santana to hear me.
"Yes. I just need you to be better to my baby girl and my grand babies."
"I will. How long can you stay?"
"Maribel's birthday is close to Valentine's, I was planning to take her to PR, so we can stay until then."
"Thank you!"
He held his arms open and wrapped me in the biggest hug.
I was near tears until I heard a harsh cough.
"Take the night off Pa, I can handle things here. I have two days before my next rotation."
"That's what I like to hear.
By Gabriel's birthday, Santana was finally mobile again.
She'd lost weight, but her spirits were high.
"We have a three-year-old. Can you believe it?" I asked San while we wrapped gifts.
She'd been humming to herself, but when I spoke, she looked up at me with haunted eyes.
"Are you serious about Philly?"
It came out of nowhere, but I expected it.
"Yes. I've already been in talks with a few old connections at UPenn. Are you okay with that? We can stay here if you want."
"No. I hate it here."
"Hate it? I thought you liked being able to go to the beach whenever you want. What about your music?"
"This isn't home, Q. I can't die here."
"Lucky for us, neither of us is dying."
"Yeah, ok. I guess, apparently you're psychic now."
There was a bite to her tone that scared me.
"I know the pneumonia scared you but you're okay now."
"I miss who you were in Philly. I miss how we were, I think you'd be different if you'd done med school there."
"Well, it's too late for that."
"I'm just saying, I don't like how we are when we are in L.A. The cold brings something good out of us."
"I get that. I can see the change too, Beth isn't happy."
"Hasn't been for a long time but I do what I can to keep her going."
"I'm trying, San, I really am."
"I know."
"It's good to know that you still want this family with me."
"I am giving everything I am to our family, Q. Everything."
"Are you implying that I'm not? It's finished. I promised you."
"Forgive me if I don't believe you. As much as I want to watch you suffer for daring to let someone else touch you, what I feel is about more than your indiscretions."
I could tell she was holding back tears, so I reached out and took her shaking hand.
She seemed so frail, but her grip was tight.
"What can I do to get back to us?"
"Make the time you're home, worth something. We need you, Q."
"Okay. I can do that."
"And stop promising things to us. It's making us trust you less."
"Shit. It's that bad?"
"Yes, it's that bad."
"Then why do you stay? I was sure you'd divorce me after finding out about what I did."
I expected her to get mad or annoyed, but instead, her eyes got watery.
She wasn't mad; she was hurt. I was so grateful her parents went to bed for the night because making their daughter cry was a surefire way to make them hate me.
Especially if they found out about Ish.
"For the kids. I'm afraid of who you'll be without them."
"What about us?"
"It's not about us. It's about them. I choose to stick by your side, they had no choice."
"What do you need Santana, I'll do anything."
"I need a break."
"From me?"
"From everything."
"Okay. I'll figure out school and the kids, if you need to get away even if it's with her…I trust you. You can go."
"You're kidding."
"I'm not. It's my gift to you. Go."
"My parents are here."
"Then I'll have help."
"Maybe after Christmas?"
"Sure, love. I'm off until after the new year. Take the break."
Santana knows that I have her location, which is why she turned it off as soon as I dropped her off at the airport.
The problem is that she didn't turn her location off on her other devices.
I knew she was lying to me.
So, I sat in the car at the airport and watched Santana's watch move toward a taxi stand.
By that point, I knew that Britt lived in Santa Monica, so when I watched my wife's location stop there, my heart sank.
For two days, her location didn't change from the beach.
When I saw her location moving closer to home, I got excited that she was cutting her trip short and coming home, but she passed right by.
She spent half a day in Beverly Hills, and then she was back at the beach.
I wanted to call her, but I had promised her a break.
She was at least still calling her parents and Beth, but not once did we speak.
Each day, my hope grew thinner.
Had I driven her back to Brittany?
Was she testing out a separation?
All I knew was that she was supposed to be with Rachel in Jersey.
So, I called, and of course, Rachel covered for her all while Santana's location was only a few miles away, back in Beverly Hills.
Again, I thought she'd come home but back she went, to Santa Monica.
On that final day, I arrived at LAX a half hour early, and I watched San's location leave Santa Monica and come back to arrivals.
It was cold in New Jersey, so if she had a tan, it would be obvious that she lied.
She stood waiting, looking pale and tired but tried to muster a smile.
I saw through it.
"Hey love." She said, "How was your week?"
"Great!" Aside from watching her location, I'd been doing anything Gabriel wanted to do since Beth was in Texas.
We'd done it all, and now, my in-laws were on a flight with Gabriel back to Lima.
They said he could stay with them for a few weeks while Antonio caught up at work. They said it was so that Santana could come back and ease into life, but I think they sensed a fight brewing.
But just one look at her, and I knew there was barely any fight in my wife.
For the next few weeks, it would be just the two of us.
"Papi told me he took Gabe to Lima."
"He did."
She nodded and then closed her eyes.
"You okay?"
"Tired."
"Want to go home and cuddle?"
She smiled so sweetly, eyes still closed, and reached her hand out to me.
There was cat hair on her sweater and one long blonde hair.
I wanted to call her out, but I didn't want to fight, so I took her hand.
She was ice cold like a cadaver.
And that's when I saw it, the purple bruises under her eyes, the chap of her lips.
My wife was still sick, still fighting something, and I had missed it.
It was either an illness or a relapse. There were rehabs in Santa Monica, too.
What if she wasn't with Britt for long? Maybe she'd just been her ride.
Regardless of what it was, it was obvious that she didn't trust me enough to tell me, and that was on me.
I was crushed.
I vowed to myself that I'd be better to her, but I'd failed.
"All good, Q?"
"Yes, my love, all good."
Med School-Year 3
MARCH
I hadn't seen Brittany since that day she'd shown up at our door over a year before, even though I knew she was still around.
Beth knew she was San's ex-wife who drove her to drugs, so she always told me if she saw them together.
Thankfully, Britt had never come back to our house.
I had a two-week break, and now that San was feeling better, I wanted to do something fun.
The problem was that I didn't know what that meant for my family anymore.
So much had changed.
I decided to venture to Sam's studio to surprise my wife and ended up being surprised.
Britt was sitting on Sam's lap, but Santana wasn't anywhere to be seen.
"Hello?" I called to them, but neither looked shamed.
Last I checked, he was still with Mercedes.
They had kids…when did this happen?
"Should I go?" Britt asked me, and I hesitated.
"Where's Santana?"
Britt and Sam shared a look, and then both shrugged.
"She left a while ago." Sam finally said. "Dentist appointment, I think."
Britt looked away from me. Her guilt was palpable. It was clear that she knew exactly where Santana was.
"Does Mercy know about you two?"
They shared another look, and then both laughed.
"We got divorced six months ago." Sam said, and I felt like an asshole.
I should know that.
Why didn't I know?
"Well, if you see her, can you tell her I stopped by?"
"Actually Quinn, can we talk?" B asked, looking worried.
I was actually going to agree when the door opened behind me.
"What do you need to talk about, Brittany?" San's voice was cold.
Britt bit her lip and shook her head. "Forget about it."
Now I was curious, but San wrapped her arms around me. "Hi, Q! I don't think you've been here, let me show you where I make the magic."
San threw a glare at Britt and then pulled me away.
I wasn't sure if she was protecting me or herself.
"When's the last time you went to a meeting?" I asked Santana as we made our way through the studio.
"Umm, last time we were in Lima, I think. Why?"
"Are you craving?"
"Not for years, Q. That's ancient history. Do I not seem sober?"
"You've been sick, I'm just concerned."
"That's sweet but there's nothing to be concerned about."
"Britt seemed concerned too."
"That's how she is now, less bubbly, more academic."
"That's ironic. How long has she been with Sam?"
"No idea. I want to believe this is new, but I don't think it is. I don't want to know."
"You don't?"
"Crazy, I know how nosy I used to be, but honestly I just don't care to know. My life is busy enough."
"Speaking of busy, we got our invite to Asha's wedding. It's in August, will you be my date?"
"I…I've never missed Anthony's birthday."
"We will be back by then."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
"I can't believe it's actually happening."
"It's been a long time coming, but she's excited."
"I'd love to go, Luce."
"Great we have a lot to do, this will be our first solo vacation away from the kids."
"Let's make it count, how busy is fourth year going to be?"
"Pretty busy, but a little more structured. It's winding down."
"Thank God!"
When we finished touring the studio, I was feeling really proud of Sam, and so happy that Santana had this resource all these years.
"So, now that you've seen the studio, and asked me to be your date, tell me what made you come see me today?"
Santana asked as we stood in her sound booth.
"Do you know what today is?"
She bit her lip and then looked at her phone, then raised her eyebrow. "The better question is do you know what today is?"
"Our 3rd wedding anniversary."
She nodded and then crossed her arms over her chest, her face so damn serious.
"I'm amazed that you remembered."
"We've never made a big deal about it, why do you seem mad all of a sudden?"
"I can't believe you right now, Quinn Fabray." She snapped.
"Lopez, I haven't been a Fabray in years."
"Do you know that on our first wedding anniversary, I made you dinner, decorated the house in flowers, and got you a really fucking expensive gift?"
"You did?"
"I did. You promised me that you would be home early, but then you called me about getting extra study time in and going to some stupid mixer."
"Oh. Well, I'm sorry, San. First year was really hard."
"I know. It was hard for me too. You think I'd learn, but last year, I made reservations because you were on a two-week break, and you know what you did?"
"I went to a lecture in San Diego that you urged me to go to."
"It was easier to cancel the reservation than to convince you to spend time with me."
"Wow. I'm so sorry...I really am."
"So, tell me, Fabray, what are you doing here?"
"It's Lopez."
"Right. Does your fuckbuddy know that?"
"It's over."
"That's your story."
"It was a mistake."
"Why are you here, Luce?"
"An hour ago, I got a babysitter for tonight, don't worry, it's your favorite one. I was coming to sweep you off your feet, take you to dinner, fuck you senseless, and hopefully, make you feel as loved as you deserve."
"What makes you think I want that?" She snapped.
I gripped the front of her shirt and pressed my lips to hers, pushing her back against the wall.
"Are you wet for me, Princess?" I growled.
"I'm always wet for you, only you." She hissed when I gripped her boob and moved my hand to her ass instead.
"Want to skip dinner and get a hotel room?"
"As long as there's room service."
"Say less."
"Um…ladies, that sound booth isn't soundproof." Sam's voice came over the speaker.
We glanced at the glass, and there Brittany sat, witnessing a private moment between me and her ex-wife.
Britt looked mutinous, and a chill ran through me.
That evil part of her still existed, no matter who she was fucking.
Med School-Year 3
JUNE
For Beth's 10th birthday, she'd asked to go to New York, and because I had long since broken the promise that we'd spend every Christmas there, I couldn't deny her.
The problem was that I had cut off Ish from sex, which meant he wouldn't switch rotations with me, so I could only go for a weekend.
I'd sent my family ahead to New York a week early and prepared to work extra every single day just to make the time go faster.
The universe had other plans.
I'd just gotten home, poured myself a glass of wine and was about to throw something in the microwave when there was a knock at the door.
At first, I was going to ignore it, but the knocking was persistent.
When I saw Brittany, my mind flashed back to when she'd shown up to my mother's house and put a gun to my head.
"What are you doing here?"
"I'm not here to relive the past, I just can't seem to talk to you without Santana stopping me."
"For good reason."
"I didn't come here to fight, I came to talk to you about her being sick this last year."
"Yeah, I figured out she wasn't okay, but she's better now, I'm letting it go. Why come to me about it now?"
"I vowed to protect her. She's still recovering and needs your loyalty and support."
"She has that."
"I know you're fucking someone else, I saw you too the last time I was giving a lecture at UCLA. Santana confirmed it when you came to the studio."
"Honestly, I'm surprised she hadn't already told you since you're the best of friends again."
"I wish! She didn't tell me because she knew I'd urge her to leave you and take the kids."
"That's fucked up."
"I can't believe you're doing this to her. What's even more fucked up is that you continue to lie by telling her you're done with him."
"Because I am. I love her. It was a mistake."
"A mistake you keep making is a habit, or addiction."
"How dare you judge me!"
"I'm not trying to judge you, God knows I've done some dirty shit. I'm telling you because I took care of her when she was half dead. All I wanted was to call you so you could be there, and she wanted to protect you, so I didn't call. I won't go into detail, because that's her story, but please don't throw away your marriage like I did. There is no one out there as amazing as her."
"I don't believe you of all people are trying to be the morality police."
"Someone should be. You're out of control. Mark my words Quinnie, if you don't stop this shit, you're going to regret it."
"Are you threatening me?"
She tilted her head and smirked.
"You of all people know when I'm threatening you."
She saw the fear on my face and took a step back.
"What is it then, are you just waiting in the wings to tell her?"
"No. I broke her heart once, I won't do it again. I'm here because you need to understand that at this rate, the stress of what you're doing might kill her."
"I'd know if she was deathly sick, Brittany!"
"If you don't believe me, believe your own eyes."
She pulled up a photo of Santana lying in a hospital bed, her eyes closed, looking pale and sick.
"When was this?"
"Back when she said she'd be in Jersey, instead she was in Beverly Hills in the hospital. I took her home after, and nursed her until she could stand on her own again."
I was doing my best to keep my cool, but I felt so close to breaking. "I'm done with him."
"Good."
"Is she still sick?"
"No. She's better now, her immune system was crap for a bit there, but the doctors say she's on the mend."
"Thank you for taking care of her, Britt. This doesn't mean we are okay, but I'm grateful she had someone."
"I already told her, next time it has to be you. I'm praying there isn't a next time, but if there is, I need her to rely on you."
"Thank you."
I felt mixed emotions as I watched Britt head down the driveway and climb into a black SUV. San was right. Britt wasn't the same person. I didn't trust her, I probably never would but I wasn't afraid of her any longer.
Before Britt had a chance to pull off, a bright blue mustang pulled up, my heart started racing when I saw him.
Shit.
Ish was climbing up the steps to my porch when Britt finally pulled off.
I hated that she'd lingered, letting me know that I wasn't getting away with anything.
"Why are you here?"
Ish smiled. "Can I come in?"
"No."
"You're alone, right?"
"I'm not having sex with you, not anymore and especially not here."
"Don't get self-righteous, it's not like we haven't done it here before, on your bed, in your shower, and right on this porch."
"It was a mistake. I was high, it's not happening again."
"Come on, Silver, just let me have you tonight, and I'll take your next two rotations."
"No. Go away."
I tried to close the door, but he held it open. "Don't be dramatic."
"She doesn't want you here." I looked past Ish and saw that Britt had double-parked a few houses down.
Ish looked confused. "Oh, I get it, you have another bitch instead."
"Do I need to shoot you?" Britt asked in her old cheerful voice that struck terror in me. Ish was grinning, but I knew B.
She opened her jacket, and there was a gun in a holster.
Ish got serious.
"I don't want trouble."
"You're still going to take her rotation so that she can spend a week with her family, or I'm going to have a nice conversation with Dr. Brooks, the next time I'm on campus. I'm pretty good friends with your brother too. We both know that Elliot will tell the family about this."
This was the first time I saw Ish look terrified of someone other than Dr. Brooks.
"Fine, okay. I'll take the rotation. Go to New York."
Britt stood on the driveway until Ish was back in his car and had driven away.
"Thanks, B."
"I'm not leaving until you pack your bag and book a ticket. You might be able to catch a red eye."
"You don't have to."
"I do. San would want me to."
She glanced past me to the soffit, and I looked up.
"What?"
Was that a camera?
"Looks like you won't have a choice but to be honest, huh?"
How long had that been there?
"Fuck."
Were there more?
Is that how San had known?
Shit.
I booked a flight that left in two hours. Thankfully, my bag was already packed. Because the universe was insane, I let Britt take me to the airport.
She was listening to NPR and humming to herself; it was eerie.
"How many cameras does she have up?"
Britt shrugged.
"No idea. I saw the blinking red light randomly, it's hidden pretty well. She hasn't told me about the affair or how she knows. I know because I saw you, and because she confirmed it. That's it."
"I'm so fucked up."
"First step is admitting it. Now you need to fix it."
"I can see your anger is still inside you, but you can control it now. How did you become so different?"
"I lost my wife, assaulted my best friend twice, my mom died, I don't have the coordination to dance anymore, and I have a severe brain injury. The combination of all of that trauma drastically modified my demeanor. Plus, I spent 3 years getting daily therapy, I recommend you try it."
"You've answered that question before?"
"Several times. I work with the neuroscience group at USC, that's where I'm working on my Ph.D."
"I had no idea."
"Not surprised. Santana likes her secrets, just like you."
"I didn't call him to come over, just to be clear."
"You don't have to explain yourself to me. I'm just happy I could be there tonight, he was about to retraumatize you."
"Are you planning to call her while I'm on the plane? You know, swoop in?"
"No. I really want to respect your relationship, I'm not a home-wrecker, not anymore, and before you say it, Sam came after me and I got Mercedes blessing before getting together with him. I'm long past high school nonsense."
"I can respect that."
"We're here. My best advice, even though you didn't ask, tell her the truth. She's going to be pissed at me too, since I broke my word and told you about her being sick."
"How much of the truth?"
"That's up to you. Judging by that camera, and any more that might be around, lying seems like a foolish thing to do. You want to know what she knows, let her lead the conversation. Santana always tells on herself eventually. Come to think of it, so do you. Even if she leaves you, pick a better guy. Ishmael is the black sheep of the family for a reason."
I sighed, "Well, at least you were there to stop things from getting worse."
"Yup. Now go. I have a lecture tomorrow. Have a great time in New York, make sure Santana is resting, hydrating, and staying away from NYU, that's where her old dealer is."
"Good to know."
"Thanks, B."
"Anytime."
When I got to New York, it was just after 6 am, I hadn't called ahead, but I had a key.
I hadn't seen San's old apartment building in ages; when Maribel and Antonio bought a condo, they'd done it just to have a home on the East Coast, and now it was there to allow Beth to have an amazing birthday.
I felt so grateful.
The apartment was quiet when I stepped inside, but I felt wired, so I went into the kitchen and began to make breakfast.
The family wouldn't arrive for two more days, so for now, it was just my wife and kids.
Santana had been expecting me. It was obvious when she showed up ten minutes later, freshly showered and dressed for the day, looking gorgeous but way too skinny.
"You're here?" She said, with the biggest smile on her face. "How are you here?"
I was looking at her differently now that I knew just how sick she'd been. The signs were all there, and her body was still recovering. It was so obvious, and I hadn't seen it.
"Someone took my rotation this week, I got on the first flight out."
She slid her hands over my hips and pulled me back against her. "I missed you. Can I have you, if we can sneak away?"
"Yes, Princess, I'm all yours."
"You better be." She said, with a seriousness to her tone.
"I take it you saw?"
"Yes. Leave it to B to find the cameras, her genius brain strikes again."
I flipped the bacon and then turned to face her.
"I'm yours, Santana. My body, my heart, and my everything. You not telling me how sick you were makes me see just how little you trust me. I'm sorry."
She was staring hard into my eyes, and then she kissed me.
I was shocked by the intensity of her kiss; when she pulled away, she had tears in her eyes. "Mine." She grumbled.
"Yours. Always."
"Is something burning?" I heard Beth say from another room. I gave San one last kiss before slipping from her arms.
I switched off the stove as Beth came into the room, and then I saw her face light up.
"Look who's here, Kiddo."
"Mama! You came this time, just like you promised!"
Ouch.
When Beth went to brush her teeth, San cupped my chin and turned it towards her.
"We are putting a pin in this fight while we are here. Beth is turning ten. The family is coming here to celebrate, and we need to be a united front for our kids. They take their cues from us. If we are happy, they are happy. Got it?"
"Yes."
"So, we will fuck like we still love each other, but when we get back to L.A., know that we aren't avoiding this anymore."
"But I do love you."
"Debatable."
"Are you saying that you don't love me?"
"Do you really want that answer right now?"
I felt like I'd been stabbed in the chest. She was right; we couldn't fight right then.
"What's the difference if the kids will still have to hear us."
"Beth is going straight to Texas from here, and Gabe will be with my parents for the rest of the month. There will be nothing to distract us from this."
"I'd rather get it over with now." I sighed.
"I cater to you and your desires every fucking day, I have earned the right for you to do what I want for a change."
"You're right. You're in control."
"Damn right. Now fix your face before Beth comes back."
Even with impending doom lurking, San had been right. Something about being back east felt different.
I already felt different; somehow, I felt lighter.
Happier.
And the changes just continued.
Gabriel was bubbly, Beth was sweeter, and Santana couldn't keep her hands off of me.
We had to get out of L.A., and I would do everything in my power to make sure that happened.
For the first time, I was dreading going back.
Getting to celebrate Beth's birthday with my family and Rachel was just like old times.
I can't believe how much I missed.
How had my family hung in with me for this long?
I didn't deserve them, but I was so grateful that I had them.
We didn't take the pin out of the fight until we stepped out of the cab in front of our house.
Santana pulled her luggage to the porch step and then froze.
"He said you'd fucked on this porch. Where?"
I put down my bag and swallowed back my snarky response. I had to be honest.
"Behind the Wisteria."
"The same Wisteria that Beth and I planted together. Show me."
"What?"
"I need to know."
"The camera didn't pick it up?"
"That's out of scope. Show me."
I left my bag at the bottom of the steps and walked to the far corner, where the Wisteria vibes blocked the view of the porch swing.
She watched as I leaned over the banister, slid my dress up, and then closed my eyes.
I waited for her to explode, but before I knew it, she was on me, gripping my hips and yanking down my panties. "There, now you look like the slut you are."
I tried to move, but her fingers slid between my legs.
"Fuck."
"Did you get off, Fabray?" She growled against the side of my face as she fucked me with what felt like her whole hand.
"No. Fuck. He doesn't care…fuck, fuck, if I…get off."
"Serves you right."
My legs were shaking as she continued to fuck me.
"I'm yours, San, all yours."
Just as I was close to climaxing, she pulled her fingers from me.
"Stop lying to me. You haven't been mine in a long time."
I was still bent over for the world to see, sobbing into the wisteria vines, with my body quivering for release.
"I'm sorry." I whispered.
"I don't care. Come inside and show me where else in this house you gave your pussy away."
I turned towards her, and despite her cold tone, her face was soaked with tears.
When I went to pull my panties up, she shook her head.
"What?"
"While the kids are gone, you don't get any clothes inside this house. You want to be a whore, then I'll treat you like one."
"San, don't be like that."
"You know how much I hate repeating myself."
She unlocked the door and then stood inside the foyer, waiting for me to strip.
I pulled my clothes off, and she nodded her approval.
"Show me." She demanded, so I led her to our bathroom, terrified of what she would think of me when I was through.
Med School-Year 3
JULY
For the last six months, I'd been free of Ish's drugs and spending extra hours in drug counseling.
It had been hard, but my tolerance was so high that I no longer had a gauge of how bad my back was.
As time went on, I had been doing PT and going to the gym and hadn't realized that I was stronger than I thought.
I was trying to be more transparent, so I took Antonio's advice and stopped doing anything at school that wasn't required.
I was amazed at how much time was freed up.
The alarm went off at my normal 4 am time, and I shut it off.
After San had made me debase myself for her the same way I had for Ish, things shifted between us.
She'd taken my need to dominate away and replaced it with a need to please her.
We were officially in marriage counseling, and every time I admitted to something without prodding, she let go of some of her hurt.
"Q? You're going to be late."
She had her arm thrown over me and her face pressed into my back; I didn't want it to stop.
"Not going in until 9. Let's grab breakfast."
"Need more time." She mumbled.
"San?"
"Hmm?"
"I'm sober now."
"Hmm?" She asked. "What did you say?" She was hovering over me now, her eyes sparkling.
"I…um…I'm better now."
She squinted her eyes. "That's not what you said. You know that I am in this for better or worse, Luce. Since I'm still here with you, it's obvious I'm taking my vows serious. Now, tell me what you said."
I rolled fully on my back and looked up at her. "I went overboard with painkillers at the start of med school. I've dabbled since but for these last six months, I've been sober."
She smiled so sweetly and brushed my hair from my face.
"Thank you for telling me." She smirked as if she knew.
"You knew?"
"I had an inkling, but I wasn't sure."
"Will you tell me about being sick?"
Her body went stiff, and her eyes watered.
"How much do you already know?"
"I could see it, but then Britt came by and told me that she took care of you."
"Did she tell you anything else?"
"She didn't tell me what it was, and you don't have to tell me if you don't want."
"Good, because I don't. Just know that I'm better now."
"I get why you didn't tell me. You couldn't trust me because I betrayed you. The last person you want comfort from is someone who hurts you."
"I did want your comfort, but I couldn't rely on you. My parents were here, and they don't know. After Anthony, this would break them."
"Was it…" I couldn't say the word, she just leaned in and kissed me.
"I'm better now."
"As much as I hate B, I'm glad you didn't go through it alone."
"She scolded me the whole time about marital responsibilities, and how much I deserved to be happy. She was furious, but I understood it. I divorced her, picked you over her, so, I should be leaning on you."
"11 more months, San, that's it and we can leave L.A., behind."
"Good riddance."
"Your parents will be here tomorrow."
"I know."
"Last day of me naked all the time."
"That doesn't mean your redemption is complete."
"I know. What can I do to get us closer to being okay?"
She sat up and looked at me quizzically.
"Tell me, why the new mattress."
I'd been vocal about the affair and shown her where he fucked me but not how.
"I was dry…I wasn't ready for sex, he didn't care."
"That sounds like rape."
"But it wasn't. I urged him to do it anyway. I wanted him."
It was the first time I admitted it, but I still didn't tell her why I wanted him.
Maybe it would have made it better, but I'm a coward.
Santana put a hand to her chest.
"So he made you bleed?"
"Yeah, he said it was like he was taking my virginity."
"Gross."
"He bit me, scratched me, and held me tight."
"He was claiming you as his. What else?"
I flinched.
"He…um…I can't say it."
I was disgusted, but it had been at the promise of the best drugs he had.
"Come here."
San was sitting cross-legged against the headboard, her face torn between anger and concern.
I straddled her lap, and she wrapped my legs around her waist.
"I'm sorry, I feel so disgusting. Nothing you do, not the public sex or calling me a slut, or even the Ferris wheel make me feel as bad."
Her eyes got wide, and her nostrils flared, "Tell me."
"He pissed on me, and the bed. I couldn't just flip the mattress after that. It had to go."
Santana's eyes watered, and then she kissed me hard. I was breathless when she pulled back. "I won't bring it up again. I forgive you, it's obvious you're punishing yourself enough."
"I kind of wish Britt had shot him."
"I don't blame you."
4th Year of Med School
SEPTEMBER
"Thank you so much for coming, Quinn. It was great having you here." Asha said as we had chai before we went to the airport.
"Congratulations to you and Kavi, you looked so beautiful together. How does it feel? You're a wife now."
"Pretty amazing. I'm glad we waited until after I graduated."
"I agree, keeping my marriage together these last few years has been one of the hardest things to deal with."
"Are things any better? Did you stop fucking that guy." She whispered, even though we were tucked in a booth away from prying ears.
"How did you know about that?"
"You don't remember, do you?"
"Remember what?"
"You called me, while at one of your mixers and showed me off to your friends, talking about how used to screw each other at Yale. Then he said, just like us, Silver. He thought he was being quiet about it, and I don't think you even heard him, but I did."
"Oh. It's done."
"Does Santana know?"
"Yes. I told her it's done."
"Is it?"
"As much as it can be."
"That's cryptic."
"It's better you don't know the details."
"Why is that?"
"Because she'd kill him, and probably me too."
"I thought you loved her."
"I do love her."
"Then why did you mess with him at all."
"I…I can't say, as a doctor you'd be obligated to report me."
"Quinn, it's me, you can tell me anything. I wouldn't report you."
"I don't want to put you in that position at all, and I don't want to lose your respect."
"You've held me and fucked me through my worst. I don't think there is anything you could say that would make me not respect you."
I felt myself tearing up, and her smile fell.
"He has this endless access to opioids, after my surgery, rather than respect my healing, I rushed it, and he was feeding my addiction. We got to a point where I became so dependent that he threatened to cut me off if I didn't get him off. It started with a hand job but then it progressed to a full-on affair. Even in our house."
"Shit. How'd she find out?"
"Apparently there are cameras…also I did that thing I do when I fuck up."
"You over corrected?"
"Bought a new mattress." She didn't need to know why.
"Wow, Quinn. How often did this go on?"
"Too often. What's worse is that Brittany knows about it. She saw us."
"No way!"
"He and I haven't had sex in about eight months, the same amount of time it's been since I stopped over-medicating."
"Will you ever tell Santana why you had the affair, that it was about drugs?"
"I want to, maybe then she won't see me as a slut. We are in counseling, it gets better every day, but I feel like we won't ever get back to being how we used to be as long as there is this lie between us."
Asha looked towards the door and smiled as Santana made her way to us with Kavi.
"The most important thing, while you figure out what the best time to tell her is, don't backslide. Restarting it will only make this worse. Trust me."
"I needed to hear that."
"Anytime."
4th Year of Med School
OCTOBER
The road to hell is paved with good intentions, one month back to work, I was seeking out Ish.
I was excited to be on a surgical rotation, and I was running to the Operating Room and slipped on a puddle of blood.
There were still 11 hours left in my shift, and I knew that I had to get through it.
Ish was doing charts, looking bored, when I limped towards him.
"What happened to you, Silver?"
"Slipped."
"Hurt yourself?"
"Yes."
"Which is why you're coming to me?"
"I'm desperate."
"You know what the tradeoff is, and since I don't want to be shot, I don't think it's worth it anymore."
"Please?"
"Say you're mine."
"What?"
"Say it."
"No."
"Then no relief."
"I will only say it when we are alone." I compromised.
"Fair enough. During break, parking garage."
"Thank you."
During our break, I followed Ish to his car and straddled his lap with fresh pills in my system.
"Say it." He said as he gripped my hips.
"I'm yours." I mumbled.
"Louder." He growled, lifting my hips and slamming them back down.
I hugged the steering wheel, choking back tears. "I'm yours."
I cried through the sex and felt grimy afterward. Once again, I didn't get off.
Thankfully, I had a chance to shower and change my scrubs afterward.
I already had bruises blooming on my hips.
We'd been rotating in neurology that week, I should have thought things through.
When our class entered the lecture hall, there was a forum set up. Just my luck that one of the panelists was a visiting junior professor from USC.
Brittany came into the room with her glasses perched on her nose while reviewing notes on her tablet.
When our eyes met, it was like she could see into my head.
Her lecture was flawless, and as her old friend, I was proud of her, but as her victim, I felt resentful.
She was flourishing, and I was still making the stupid cheating decisions that I did in high school.
It was embarrassing.
After the lecture, people were lined up to talk to her, and I was standing off to the side waiting.
Ish had slipped out pretty quickly once he recognized Britt, smart choice.
Once we were alone at the lectern, Britt stood there with her hands in front of her, waiting for me to say something.
"I stayed away from him for 9 months."
"And I've told you that you don't need to explain yourself to me. I won't be surprised if Santana figures you out, you seem incredibly guilty. Thank God I didn't see you this time around."
"But you knew when you saw me."
"You wear your guilt on your face. I can see it, always could. If you are going to keep fucking him, why don't you just let her go?"
"I love her."
She sighed. "How long have you been fucking him? Not just today, but since the first time."
"I don't know."
"That's a lie."
"Okay, two or three years."
"Oh God, I never thought you'd go that far…wow. Haven't you only been married that long?"
"I didn't want to do it, ok. I just hurt myself earlier and felt desperate, it was a trade for painkillers."
She held up her hand and looked around, "You are literally in a hospital if you need medical attention than get it. Your professors would have more respect for you being injured and getting help than finding out that you are taking unprescribed drugs. You could be stripped of your certifications before you earn them, then medical school would be for nothing. It would be a waste. Antonio gave you Santana's trust fund, imagine how he'd feel if he knew."
"You're laying it on kind of thick."
"Am I though? Am I wrong by saying this could get you banned from practicing medicine?
"No, you're not. I won't do it again, please don't tell her. I'll do anything."
"You can't be serious. Look, I'm not going to tell her, she'll only take it out on me, and I don't need that drama in my life. I just want you both to be happy. He's not the answer, Santana would rather you leave med school than to stay and do shit like this."
"Don't tell me what she'd want. She's my wife."
"Then act like it! What did I call you on that Ferris wheel, Quinn?"
My heart was in my throat.
"A slut."
"A slut for who?"
"Anyone."
"Back then I was just being a stupid, insecure bitch, I was jealous but right now, you're proving me right. It's fucked up. She nearly died, Quinn. I watched her hide it from you. She's the best mom to your kids, and she is so fucking loyal to you. Thinking of how you are crapping all over that, makes me sick."
"Wow. You have some nerve."
"So do you, I bet you can still feel him inside you, tell me I'm wrong."
She wasn't.
"I'll stop."
"I need to go. You are making me sink to a level of rage that I don't want to feel anymore. I've evolved, and I really hope you do to. She's too good for both of us, and you get to go home to her every night while I go home alone. It's not fair, but it is what it is. Do right by her, I'm fucking begging you."
She had tears in her eyes as she packed up her stuff.
"B?" I called after her when she started to walk away.
"What?"
"Don't take her from me, okay? I promise I'll be better."
"I already tried, she only wants you, even though someone like you will never be good enough for her."
"Shit."
"Yeah, so take it as a lesson, once she lets you go, it's forever."
Britt wiped her damp eyes and then left me standing there, feeling like the worst person in the world.
And I definitely was.