Chapter 66: You Got Me (The Roots feat. Erykah Badu)
AUGUST
SANTANA'S POV
I underestimated how much Mami would be around once we were in Lima.
When I was younger, she was committed to her work and patients more than me, but since I'd gotten gotten serious with Quinn that had changed.
Suddenly, she cared a lot.
Gone was the woman that could turn a blind eye, my marriage was just as important to Mami as her own.
And now she could just show up whenever she felt like it.
Especially since, for the first time, our kids were both in Texas.
Our L.A. house was officially sold, and our possessions were split between a storage unit in Philly and Papi's old house in Lima.
Gabe begged us to let him go with Beth to Texas for two weeks since little Vinny was only a year older than him.
Quinn thought it was a great idea, so I allowed it because I was trying to trust her.
Not having the kids underfoot made the move easier, but it didn't distract us enough from our issues.
We'd had great sex and had agreed to bring a life into this world, a baby that would hopefully make Quinn more tied to our family.
For our first three days in Lima, there was no sign of friction between us, but of course, Mami walked in when everything was going to shit.
It started with the smallest disagreement over which rooms the kids should have and turned into a screaming match about God knows what.
Mami had a key and a front-row seat to it all.
Quinn was pacing our bedroom with her hands in her hair as she tried to breathe through her feelings, sober Quinn was more rational, I'd gotten used to her being zoned out without realizing it.
Which was why I was ranting instead of trying to just talk it out.
"You're being petulant, my love, they are my kids too."
"Why do you fucking care? You are never home, and when you are, you don't care about us. I've been raising these kids all by my fucking self, so I should decide where they sleep!"
"Gabriel doesn't need a bigger room than Beth. Give me a good reason, other than because you say so."
"That should be enough!"
There was a knock on the bedroom door, and Mami popped her head in, looking concerned.
"What's going on?"
"It's nothing, Mami." I took a deep breath, and tried to calm down, but I was hot!
"No, Maribel, she's lying, it's always something. I can never do anything right! I feel like my mother, no wonder she's nuts!"
"We both know you're more like your abusive father!" I snapped.
"Fuck you, Santana! I slapped you twice, I was high off my ass, I'm sorry!"
"This isn't about you slapping me. It's about abandoning your family for someone else."
"I thought we were moving past this! It was a mistake! Can we put it behind us?" Q pleaded, and I swear, I forgot Mami was standing there.
"Believe me, I'm trying but you don't make it easy."
"I've groveled at your fucking feet, I've locked myself up, I've cut myself off, and I have even played nice with my fucking rapist! What more do you want from me? I don't have much left, but if you require my sanity too, just so I can put the fucked up shit behind me, I'll do it. Name your price, or for the love of God, if I make you this unhappy, then just leave me already! I'll go to Philly and start over!"
"If you go to Philly, I'll report you."
"I already reported myself!"
That took the air out of my argument.
I was proud of her but too pissed off to show it.
"What? When?"
"I had to report my misconduct with Dr. Brooks, thanks to Brittany over sharing. I had to sign an agreement, take random drug tests, and sit through two psych evaluations just to graduate. Trust me, they know."
"Shit."
"I kicked ass on my boards, which I had to pass a drug test to take by the way. I am officially licensed, despite my stupidity. I'm turning down offers, just to comply with what you want. I don't need to be here, but I am here because I love our family, and this was the only way you'd stay with me, but you know what, if it's going to be like this, with you throwing what I did back at me every time we disagree, then I would rather be alone!"
"You don't mean that."
Quinn stepped close to me now, her eyes burning, and told her truth.
"I mean that more than I've ever meant anything, Santana. I love you, but if I need to break my own heart to preserve my sanity, then that's what I'll do. I'm barely hanging on as it is."
I slid down the wall and cried into my hands. There was a look in her eyes, one of desperation but also resignation.
I'd seen it before, on Britt's face before she shot herself.
I had to calm down.
"Okay, Quinn, why don't you go unpack another room, I need to talk to Santana."
"Gladly."
The door slammed behind Quinn, and then I felt my mother's presence hovering above me.
"She cheated on you?" I could hear the anger in her voice.
"Yes."
"When?"
I looked up at my mother, from my spot on the floor, and tried to smile but it faltered.
"For nearly four years. He was another student, and her dealer. They had sex in our house, our bed, and God knows where else."
"And you stayed?"
"I thought about leaving, but I've been there, I've sold myself for drugs." Mami rolled her eyes up, and tears slid from her eyes.
"Nanita, that's the last thing either of you should be doing. Your body is worth more than any drug on Earth."
"I know."
"It's over? She stopped?"
"Yes, Quinn's been so good, Mami. Amazing, even, but when I'm mad, I go back to what she did, every time."
"Is her infidelity the real reason you're here? A reset?"
"Yes, she needs you, or someone to help her before she kills herself or someone else."
She nodded, then her eyebrow arched. "She's been physically abusive toward you?"
"She slapped me before but it's been years since it happened, but I can't seem to let it go. I can't let any of the hurt go."
"That's because you haven't begun to forgiven her."
"I have."
"No. You want to forgive her, but in your heart you haven't. Think hard, do you forgive her hitting you?"
"Actually, yes. You already know I like to be spanked." I blushed, and Mami rolled her eyes at me.
"I wish I didn't know."
"Don't kink shame me."
"Pues, you like what you like. Tell me, do you forgive her for cheating on you?"
"I don't. I'm disgusted by it."
"And that's going to be the problem for as long as you don't deal with that truth."
"I just want to be happy."
"And you won't be, not until you face your demons."
Mami sat on the edge of the bed, her therapy voice more soothing than her normal one.
"So, ask yourself, what about her affair stops you from forgiving her?"
"I don't want to say." I said, dropping my eyes.
"Is it because of Brittany coming back into your life?"
"I wish." I muttered.
"Then what is it."
And I knew then that I couldn't spill all of Quinn's truth and not speak my own.
I threw my head back and looked my mother, a woman who had already buried a child, in the eyes.
"She was so busy getting high, and screwing him, that she missed how sick I was. She's going to be a doctor, and she missed it. The signs were there."
"You mean the pneumonia?"
"I had cancer, Mami. What you saw was me getting sick after the chemo ravaged my immune system."
My mother's therapist façade slipped away as she knelt in front of me, looking me over like she could see into my body.
"Are you still sick?"
"I'm in remission. I have been for a few months now. I've never fully told Quinn about any of it. Brittany took care of me, got me to my appointments, chemo, and nursed me back to health after I had a lumps removed."
"How could you not tell me?"
"It was stage 1, my survival rate was 91%, there was no reason to tell you. I couldn't worry you over something minor."
"Santana! That's not minor!"
"I'm sorry. Next time, I'll tell you."
"Next time?"
"I've had three lumps in total: two benign, and one malignant."
"And now?"
"Just one benign, as of my last scan. The odds of the cancer coming back are never going to be zero. The doctors wouldn't say, but Britt and I talked it through. I know my odds."
The door creaked fully open, and I knew Quinn had heard.
"So, it was cancer?" Quinn's voice came from the doorway. She had tears in her eyes. "Where?"
"Breast cancer."
I watched Quinn's eyes widen.
"Our third wedding anniversary, I grabbed your boob, you hissed and moved my hand."
"I can't believe you remember that."
"I remember ever time I've touched you." It should have been sweet, but she looked so fucking hurt.
"I was healing from a lumpectomy."
"How haven't I seen anything?"
"I'm really good at makeup, and I barely take my bra off during sex, you haven't really noticed." I shrugged.
"Shit, I'm a horrible wife."
They were both looking at me like I was broken, and I hated it.
"What can I do?" Mami asked.
"Nothing."
"San, you just said relapsing was inevitable, there have to be precautions we can take." Q said, sounding like a doctor, which usually made me proud but I didn't want to be her patient.
"I'm fine, okay. Part of my agreement to come to Lima was to prevent what I could. I needed to slow down and be around the one doctor I trust above all others."
Mami looked pissed. "Your father knows about this?"
"No. Other than Brittany, Rachel, and Sam, you're the first people I'm saying the words to."
"Is this why Brittany was so harsh with me?" Q said. "She kept saying you were nearly dead, but I thought she was exaggerating."
"I told you, Q, that I couldn't die in L.A. You brushed me off, but I was hoping my saying that would clue you in to the fact that nothing was promised. I needed you to see that I was sick, and step up, without me asking. That's what Britt was saying. She knew I was being stubborn, so she was trying to open your eyes even though I begged her not to."
"I fucked up."
"So did I, maybe if I had told you about everything, the fucking up wouldn't have gone on so long."
"It shouldn't have happened at all. I'm sorry, I want to make it right. I love you, Santana. I don't want this to be over. I'm here."
"Thank you."
"I don't care what room the kids get, this is temporary."
"Beth can have the bigger room, I was just being a brat." I admitted.
She didn't even tease me, instead she opened her arms for me.
I stood up, and let Quinn hold me as she sniffled against my shoulder.
We'd finally reached a calm, but I knew Mami wasn't going to leave me for the rest of the day, she was officially in overprotective mode.
But Mami's distress was nothing compared to Papi's. She hadn't even waited for him to get home from work to tell him.
Quinn and I were each unpacking one of the kid's rooms while Mami was organizing the kitchen when my phone rang.
"Bendición. Papi."
"How could you keep this from me?" He growled.
"Papi, please relax, I'm okay now."
"Bullshit. Who was your oncologist?"
"I had a team." Quinn came into the room, so I put the phone on speaker, too tired to explain myself more than once.
Mami came in seconds later and sat by Quinn, taking her hand while they listened.
"Who?"
"I was trying to keep this off Quinn's radar, so I went to USC instead of UCLA. Brittany knows everyone's names. She managed to get me a few doctors to manage this."
"I want names."
"Papi, I'm here because I trust your knowledge and your dedication. Please stop yelling." My voice shook.
"Lo siento, Nanita. Send me Brittany's number, and give her a heads up that I need access to your records."
"Okay."
"When was your last scan?"
"April. I have a benign lump, it developed close to one of my lumpectomy sites."
"Benign?"
"As of my last biopsy, yes."
"I'm clearing my schedule tomorrow, I want you and Quinn in here to get full work ups. Understand?"
"Yes, Papi. We'll be there."
"And Nanita?"
"Yes?"
"I'm proud of you for finding a safe place and not doing this alone."
"I'm sorry that I kept this from you, trust me, Brittany and Rachel both encouraged me to tell you, but I was in denial right until I had my chemo session."
"How many rounds?"
"Just one, it was when I spent five days away right before my birthday last year. I was supposed to have one in-office session and then use a pump at home, but I got so sick that I had to be admitted to finish my session."
"Did Brittany go with you to every appointment?" Q asked, and Papi made a grunt, wanting to also know.
"No. but she's the one that found the first lump."
I watched Quinn sit up straighter, her nostrils flared.
"Nanita, if your wife is in front of you, that kind of statement sounds like infidelity." Papi scolded.
Mami huffed, and I rolled my eyes, because she didn't forgive Quinn either, and soon enough Papi would also be pissed at Q.
"Okay, look it was perfectly innocent, Britt's just observant. All three of you know that. Papi, when you come home, I can tell you three everything at once, I'm getting a headache from the back and forth."
"Fine. I will be home for dinner in two hours, be ready for the greatest inquisition of your life. Message Brittany now, I'd like to have your scans when I question you."
"Yes, Papi."
Mami pulled Quinn into a long hug and then whispered something to her that made my wife start crying and nodding.
I turned away to give them privacy, but then Mami was touching my back. "I'm going to give you some space. Come over in a few hours for dinner. Maybe you need to kiss and make up." She winked at me, and I scrunched up my face.
"Seriously, Mami?"
"Hey, I've heard you two, when you get into it, I know you both are happy after."
"I don't need help gettin laid. Just go, I'll see you in a bit."
"I love you, Nanita."
"I love you."
I waited for Mami to leave, then looked at Quinn, who was sitting on Beth's bed, looking devastated.
"Want to go to our room?" She asked, sounding much tamer than earlier.
"Only if you'll fuck me."
"What? A little while ago, we were at each other's throats and now you want my touch?"
"I know it's crazy, but I need you, Q. So, put aside whatever I've said, I need you to find that boss bitch part of you and fuck me hard."
"Sure Princess, whatever you want."
"I don't want any questions about the big stuff, not yet, okay, I just need to reset."
"Okay. I can wait, baby love."
It took Quinn about 60 seconds to turn on that part of herself that she often suppressed because of her guilt.
We weren't in L.A. anymore, so, I wasn't waiting for some asshole to hop her up and fuck her, it was just us.
When we kissed, I tried to give her back the part of me that was submissive, but it wasn't until I was about to drop to my knees at her feet, that her eyebrows went up.
"Are you sure this is what you want, Princess?"
"We've been out of balance. I can't forgive you, unless I can trust you to know what I need."
"Get over the bed."
I got up slowly, taking my time leaning over.
"What now?"
"Look up." In L.A., there was no mirror over our bed, but in Lima, there was. "Don't take your eyes off of me."
"Okay."
She knelt behind me, pulling my sweatpants down.
"You're so wet, Princess."
"What are you going to do about it?"
It was like a switch flipped.
Q gripped my hair with her free hand, forcing my back to arch as I looked at her in the mirror.
Her fingers were driving me closer and closer to climax, just like I'd asked for.
I closed my eyes in complete bliss, but then she stopped. I looked up at her again, and could see her eyes on my chest. I had yet to take my shirt off, a habit that she was now noticing.
"Take it off, I need to see all of you."
She kept her hand where it was and waited as I pulled my shirt off.
"Please, Q, I need you to move, baby."
"The bra needs to go too."
I closed my eyes as I unhooked the bra and tossed it to the side.
Her eyes were examining my chest, and then she was lying on my back, her hand pumping as she buried her face in my hair.
I could hear the sniffles as she cried against me while fucking me.
"Q?"
"I'm fine, just let me love you."
"Baby please, harder." I whined.
She stood up again, her eyes red-rimmed as she slapped my ass. "That one is for lying to me."
"I'm sorry." I groaned.
She did it again, "That's for going to another woman instead of me."
"Two women." I whispered.
"What was that?"
"Rachel flew here and went with me to my biopsy." I watched the remembrance of Rachel's random four-day visit dawn in her eyes, and she bit her lip.
She spanked me a few more times as she fucked me to climax.
"Don't you ever think you can't come to me."
"I'm sorry."
"I know you are, Princess." She pulled her hand from me and showed me how soaked it was, "Look how sorry you are."
"Please, more?"
"You need the big boy, Princess?"
"Yes."
"Stay right there." I missed her like this.
I needed to do the work of forgiving her, so that this part of her never left.
We were two sides of the same coin. What she lacked, I provided and vice versa.
QUINN'S POV
I hovered above my wife, moving my hips in slow thrusts, grateful that my back was feeling better these days.
Her legs were hooked around my waist as I looked into her eyes. "I need to know."
"Fuck, Q, ask me anything."
"How did she find it?" She froze, and so did I. "Please?"
I didn't move again until she answered me, although when I moved it was tortuously slow.
"At the beach, I was wearing a bikini, she told me I should get a lump checked because it wasn't there before. Right here."
She lifted her arm, and I saw the fading scar.
I brushed my fingers over the area and felt the edge of something new. I could see the fear in her eyes and knew she wanted to be free of her heavy thoughts. So I swallowed down my panic, after feeling how hard that new lump was. I needed a second opinion, but she needed to shut out the world, and I needed to help her with that.
"Are you close, Princess?"
"Yes."
"This used to be such a snug fit, I think you might be ready to level up, Princess."
Her eyes went wide. "Oh God, please?" She begged.
"If you want to have my baby, S, then you need to be ready to stretch." I said, pushing as deep as I could. Her eyes were like saucers as she moaned.
"Please?" She begged.
"Use your words."
"I need it faster, please, fuck me."
I dropped her legs and gripped her shoulders, using them for leverage so that I could work my hips faster. I was growling next to her ear as she held tight to me.
"I'm getting close too, Princess. Work your hips, get us there. Dance for me."
She groaned and began to thrust back until she came with a shout. "Fuck! Quinn, fuck!"
Her fingers slipped under the strap, and with three good swipes, I was shuddering above her.
By the time we were headed to dinner, the heaviness between us had practically vanished.
San was grinning as she took my hand in hers.
"You feeling good, Princess?"
"You bet I am. I wish you'd taken a shower with me, Q."
"Separate showers kept me from ravaging you more. Did you want your mom to show up again?"
"God, no."
"Hey love?"
"Yes?"
"Promise me that you'll have my back in there?"
"United front, S. It's what we always do, it won't be three against one. I've got you."
"Thank you."
I kissed her knuckles, and then she winked at me as she put her key in the lock, but it didn't budge.
"Seriously, Mami?"
"Did she change the locks?"
"Seems like it, I've had this key for like 10 years."
I knocked on the door while she fumed next to me about her parents having keys to our place.
Antonio opened the door and pulled Santana into his arms.
She groaned as he squeezed her. "I can't breathe." She groaned.
He finally let her go but kept his hands on her shoulders. "Don't you ever feel like you can't talk to me."
"Lo siento."
"Come on in, your Mami decided to cook, and we have a special guest joining us in a bit."
I had a sinking suspicion about who that guess was, but I swallowed my annoyance instead of voicing it.
After all of the greetings and getting settled at the table, Antonio blessed the food before digging in.
I could sense that her parents were watching her, and from the tensing of Santana's body, I could tell that she felt it, too.
A united front came first.
I had to speak up for her.
"You both know that Santana has always hated when people watch her eat. Can you just let her digest before you start the interrogation? Can we talk about something else?"
Antonio turned his burning expression to me instead.
"I hear you had an affair for nearly the entire length of your marriage after promising me, personally, that you'd be faithful to my daughter."
San tensed even more but I could handle Antonio, he didn't compare to the abuse from my own father.
May his soul rest in eternal damnation.
I put my fork down, dropped one hand on San's lap and rubbed her thigh.
"Yes. I let him use my body in exchange for drugs. I was not safe, I did get tested a lot. There was never sex just for the hell of it, there was always an exchange. I ended it. Yes, I brought him into our home, no I don't have any excuses for my behavior beyond drugs. He never met our children, and we haven't spoken in months. I ended it."
San smirked at her parents' shocked expressions.
"That about covers it."
"You said something about locking yourself up?" Maribel asked, and I felt my cheeks heat.
I looked at San, and she shrugged, "They asked."
"I wore a chastity belt for a time, and I'd do it again. I kind of liked it."
San grinned at me. "Kind of? Q, you loved that thing, I'm surprised you're not wearing it now."
"Wouldn't want to stop your hand from wandering." I teased back, and finally my in-laws were embarrassed enough to stop staring.
They were blushing now, and then we all went back to eating.
Halfway through our dinner, Antonio's phone chimed.
He looked sheepish as he pulled out his tablet and answered the call.
And there Brittany was, looking sun-kissed and peaceful as she sat in her office surrounded by books.
"Bendicion." She said to San's parents.
They gave their blessings, and then Antonio began his questions.
I sat back as Britt and Santana ran down the details of her cancer battle, all while I held tight to my wife's hand under the table.
She was near tears more than once, and so was I.
Nothing was off the table.
And now that I knew how Britt had discovered the lump, my interest was only scientific.
Antonio left no question unasked, and Britt even offered up info that San didn't remember.
"Were there any complications?"
"No." San answered, and then Britt cleared her throat.
"Yes."
My wife looked surprised, not guilty.
"B, I don't remember any complications."
"You were delirious, San." She said, then read from her notes. "Her levels plummeted, the doctors were concerned about blood clots given her history. I had them pull the records from HUP, when she had the edema. Thankfully, there were no blood clots, just low iron. She had an iron infusion, and nearly developed sepsis. They caught it in time."
Antonio added that to his notes, then looked to Brittany. "Any preventative measures?"
"She was urged to reverse her breast enhancement, which she declined." Britt was staring at her notes, face red, as she shook her head.
I could tell that this had been a fight between them, one she didn't win.
"I said I'd think about it, B." San whispered.
Britt wiped her face, and went back to looking at her notes. "While she is in remission, there was still a new lump that formed, thankfully benign. After the biopsy in April, she's supposed to be monitored monthly for the next year, given that the first malignancy was discovered only a few weeks after the first benign biopsy."
San had her head down as tears dripped from her eyes. I could feel her shaking like a leaf. She'd done this alone before, but not this time. She was at a limit, and I knew that better than anyone.
"Do you need out?" I whispered, and she nodded her head. "You guys finish talking, San's done for tonight. I'm taking her home."
Her father started to protest, but then I heard Britt whisper, "If Q is stepping up, let her. It's been a long time coming. Santana's in good hands. Quinn won't let this go unchecked."
I wanted to be annoyed, but she was right.
San needed me to step up for her, and I was doing exactly that.
OCTOBER
SANTANA'S POV
"Want to tell me what happened today?" I asked Beth, who had been suspended from school.
"Why did we come to this dumb town, Mami?"
"You know how much I hate when you answer my questions with questions, right?"
"I know." She sighed.
"I'll humor you though, because you have a black-eye which means you're already having a bad day."
"I have a headache too."
"I bet you do. You got punched in the face, your head is going to be hurting for a day or two."
"Ugh."
"Tell me."
"Darcy gave me shit for having two moms. I told her I actually had three, and she told me that my entire family was going to hell."
"So what?"
"What do you mean?"
"Is what she said true?"
"No."
"Then why the hell do you care what she says?"
"You don't get what it's like here, Mami."
"What do you mean I don't get it? Do you know how often I got picked on being a Latina in this town?"
"Nobody would dare pick on you."
"That's true now, but back then, I had to make allies with people who don't get picked on, people like your Mama."
"After she got skinny, right?"
"You know about that?"
"Yup. She told me, after she found out I hurt myself, she told me all she did to make other people like her but how she still never liked herself."
"Our little Lucy was a fragile girl, but she became a bad bitch that no one messed with."
"But It's different now then it was in the olden days."
"Good God, I am not old, kiddo!"
"Anyway, Darcy was saying a whole bunch of crappy things, I told her to back off or I was going to knock her teeth out."
"And she didn't back off?"
"No, so I punched her in the mouth, cracked her front tooth, and she hit me back. Apparently, she is an orange belt."
"Good job on the punch, how's your hand? You're lucky you didn't break your thumb, look at that bruise!"
She looked down at her hand, and there was already a bruise blooming. "Hurts but it's worth it."
"Let's see how you feel tomorrow."
"Did you tell, Mama?"
"Nope, I'm going to let you do that."
"Can't you just do it for me?"
"Nope. I didn't do the crime, I'm not doing the time."
"Talk to your niece." Quinn said to Vincent as she fumed, "Beth punched a girl's tooth out and has a black eye for her troubles."
"Nice!"
"Not cool or nice, Vincent. She's been in school for one month!" Quinn snapped back.
"Okay, okay. Put Bunny on."
Beth was smirking until I glared at her. "Take the tablet and go have a seat in the den." I said to Beth, who looked sheepish in response to whatever her uncle was saying to her.
Quinn looked washed out in purple scrubs, as she pressed her fingers against her forehead. I could see the dark circles under her eyes. Papi was working her to the bone after finding out about the affair.
We all knew it but he wouldn't admit it.
"Why was she fighting in the first place?" Q sighed.
"Because we're gay."
"We didn't have this problem in L.A."
"Of course not. It's more liberal than Western Ohio. You look tired, Q. Are you okay?"
"Your dad is a tyrant at work. It was bad before, but now, he's feral"
"I know. I warned you."
"I get all the scut, until I make it through this sobriety program, and prove to him that I'm being faithful, he's not letting up. It's exhausting. I wish I was at CHOP."
"You think it would be any better in Philly?"
"No, but at least there I would be working towards my future, not trying to prostrate myself for my father-in-law."
"This was the deal, Babe."
"I know, but you remember how it was when doing coke was easier than being accountable. I miss how invincible I felt."
"Yeah, but I got to the point where the coke wasn't loving me back. It was only stealing time from me. I felt so weak after I came down."
"I think that's the point I'm at."
"It will suck before it gets better. I'm here for you however you need, whether that's on top or under you."
"Wanky."
I could see how unhappy being in Lima was making Quinn and Beth, but unlike my wife, I wouldn't make my family stay in a place they hated.
Once again, I was making a plan and would do whatever I needed to do to make it happen.
That night, as I was lying curled up in Quinn's arms, I could feel her fingers ghosting over my scar, then next to it. Her fingers pressed gingerly around the lump I'd shown her.
"We should have this checked again."
"No."
"What do you mean, no?"
"Q, my parents are already watching me like a hawk. If I so much as sniffle, they want me to go in for bloodwork. I don't want to get another biopsy, if I could avoid going into another hospital, I would."
"You don't have a choice."
"I know. For now though, just let it be."
But I knew she couldn't.
"Britt's right, I really think that you should get the implants removed."
"I've been giving it serious thought."
"And?"
"Promise me you'll still think I'm hot if I decide to take them out."
"San, you could be in a potato sack, and I'd think you were hot."
"Can you set up a consultation for me, Q? The only way I was able to get through my chemo stuff before was Brittany handling the administrative stuff. She scheduled my appointments, made sure I went to them, and held my hand through them."
She growled and squeezed me a little tighter. "I'll handle it."
"Thank you."
"Princess, can you do something for me?"
"Yes?"
"Next time, you just ask, don't bring her up to make your point."
"Okay, I'm sorry. I get how fucked up that feels."
"There's a way you can make it up to me, Princess."
Q rolled onto her back and opened her legs.
When I slid down the bed and between her legs, I was happy to take my mind off of the thought of an impending surgery.
She gripped my hair, and the pain helped me focus on getting her off.
"Slow, Princess, don't rush. Yes, just like that. Inside, I need it deep…fuck!" She groaned.
I was working her up but keeping her on edge, not ready to be finished with her just yet.
She tightened her grip around my fingers, then tapped my head. I popped up, and she pointed to the bathroom. "Go clean up; someone is knocking."
I shuffled into the bathroom when there was more knocking.
"Mama?" I heard Beth say as I rinsed my face and brushed my teeth. "Can I sleep in here with you tonight?"
"Sure, baby. Why don't you grab your pillow and blanket."
I heard the door shut, and went into the room, Quinn was pulling on her underwear before sliding past me.
"You were so close, Q."
"She was crying in pain, I'm going to get her some painkillers. You might as well get Gabriel, you know he'll feel left out."
"You're right."
"I'm off tomorrow, maybe then you can finish what you started."
"Say less."
After taking Beth to spend the third day of her suspension with Judy, Quinn's version of punishment, I went to Papi's office.
Mami was sitting with her feet up on his couch while typing on her laptop.
Papi was nowhere to be seen.
"Hi, Nanita, I'm surprised to see you so soon."
We'd just had coffee that morning before she left for work, I was expecting to run into her either.
"Bendición, I'm glad you're here." I kissed her cheek, then squeezed onto the couch and pulled her feet onto my lap. "Where's Papi?"
"Que Dios te bendiga. He led morning rotations. He should be here soon. You look exhausted. You looked rough this morning but I thought it was because you had just woken up, but it's been hours. Are you feeling okay?"
"I have a lot on my mind, and I barely slept. The kids invaded our bed, and Gabe is a kicker."
"I've been there." Mami grinned, and I rolled my eyes.
The door opened, and Papi came into the room with a grin.
"My two favorite girls!" He laughed as he shut the door.
"Your work persona is so weird, Babe." Mami said as Papi kissed the annoyance off her face.
"What brings you here, Nanita?"
"We aren't going to stay two years, I'm going to let the kids finished out the school year and then we are moving to Philly." I blurted out without preamble.
"Why?"
"Lima is still as small minded as ever, and I won't subject my kids to that."
"That makes sense." Mami nodded.
"Don't encourage her, Mari!"
"Tonito, you know just as well as I do that the only reason we even ended up here is because you were in med school, and we needed help with Anthony."
"So, it's your mother's fault!"
"She followed that rich ex of hers here, so yes."
"And now we stay because Anthony is here." Papi mumbled.
"Actually, when I was in L.A. you were barely here, you are only staying for me which is nice, but I don't like it, Papi. We should all be So, I'm here right now, test me and heal me as much as you can but in June, we are leaving."
"How does Quinn feel about this?" Mami asked.
"Trust me, if there is one thing I know about my wife, she has never and will never want to be in Lima."
"I have an alternative proposition for you." Papi said, leaning against his desk as he scrolled through his phone.
"Amor, it's rude to be on your phone while you're talking." Mami scolded him, but then he handed the phone to me.
It was open to an email.
To: Dr. Antonio M. Lopez, Chief of Surgery, Lima General
From: Dr. Ingrid Prizer, Chief of Residency, CHOP
Subject: Request for Consideration Regarding Dr. L. Quinn Lopez
Dear Dr. Lopez,
I hope this message finds you well. I am reaching out regarding a situation that has recently come to my attention, and I respectfully request your consideration.
Dr. L. Quinn Lopez, a highly promising intern who has joined your program, was initially accepted into our residency program here at CHOP. We were so impressed with her potential that two of our senior attendings decided to delay their retirements in order to mentor and develop her further.
After careful review, and given that the academic year has just begun, we would like to inquire whether you might consider releasing Dr. Lopez from your program. The decision to defer her residency with us was made without full awareness of her acceptance to your program, and we are eager to ensure the best possible path for her professional development.
Please let me know your thoughts on this request at your earliest convenience, as we would like to initiate the necessary steps if this change can be made.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Best regards,
Dr. Ingrid Prizer
Chief of Residency, CHOP
I wasn't sure how to feel about leaving so soon. I handed the phone to Mami and then looked at Papi.
"What are your thoughts on this?"
"Construction on your house hasn't started yet, has it?"
"Minimal, but I've already gotten offers from a developer."
"Wow, Mi'ja, it's like the universe is aligning to give you the opportunity to change course." Mami said, sounding way too giddy for my liking.
It was like she wanted me to leave while Papi was on the fence.
"Tell me what to do," I said to Papi, and this time, he grabbed his tablet.
"Quinn has been right in the middle of the pack when it comes to our interns. I can tell her heart isn't into it. This isn't where she wants to be but you gave her an ultimatum."
"I know…I hate that I was forced to do that, but I needed her to take this seriously."
"Philly isn't L.A."
"And you're just going to let me leave, just like that?"
"I've been running your bloodwork every two weeks, you are still in remission."
"But?"
"I worry about Quinn leaving now, only to come back in December. I think moving after Christmas makes the most sense. The kids can start fresh after break, you'll have time to find a place, and Quinn can finish her rehab programs."
"I think that makes sense. Q's back has been better than ever and she's stone-cold sober."
"If you give Beth that cutoff date, she'll change her tune about being here since it's temporary." Mami added.
"This is all good food for thought. I need to talk this through with Quinn before I start looking at places."
"As you should."
QUINN'S POV
I'd been doing well in PT, and then I felt the numbness in my upper thighs. It was always a warning that I was overdoing it.
Instead of being stubborn this time, I was vocal.
It was just after my rotation, when I knocked on Antonio's office door.
When I pushed inside, I was surprised to see he was alone since Maribel was usually hanging around.
"If you're looking for Maribel, she left with Santana about an hour ago. I think a manicure and a lecture are in Beth's future."
"Good." I slid onto the couch, immediately understanding how Maribel could spend her days working on it. "I'm actually here to see you."
"You look troubled, Mi'ja. What is it?"
"In the past I'd be medicating but I am trying to be transparent."
"What is it?"
"My back is about to go out. I need a brace, and a script."
"What does you PT say?"
"That I should stay off my feet for a few days."
"Any talk of surgery?"
"Not yet. He did suggest that beyond my original injury, there may be a fracture elsewhere."
"We can get that looked at today. You're interested in neurology, so it will be a perfect chance for you to meet one of our rockstars that we have on loan from the Cleveland clinic."
"Who?"
"You sound like you want an autograph."
I blushed. Depending on who it was, I just might.
"After my accident, I had studied up on every orthopedist and neurologist in the state, I was fascinated with a few."
"Dr. Ramos and I go way back, we dated for a year or two. Don't tell Maribel, I'll never hear the end of it."
"I have enough secrets of my own, Pa, I won't bring up anyone else's."
"I'm going to have transport grab a wheelchair for you, and we will go get you scanned."
"Thanks, Pa. About that script-" I started to say, but he stared me down.
"Let's get you scanned, talk to Dr. Ramos and go from there."
"I still have rotations."
"You don't. I'm benching you until further notice."
"What about pain management in the meantime?"
"I will fill a script for you for one dose. Anything else, for when you are actually in need of it, I will give to Santana."
"To keep me honest?"
"Precisely."
"Okay."
"No fight?"
"No. I am deferring to you. I know you have my best interest in mind, Pa."
"I do."
When I saw Dr. Ramos after my scans, I understood why Antonio wanted to keep his past relationship from Maribel.
Dr. Ramos was drop-dead gorgeous.
"It's nice to meet you, Dr. Lopez." She said while holding her hand out."
I was still getting used to being addressed that way, especially when the original Dr. Lopez was in the room.
"The pleasure is mine, I've heard so much about you."
"Don't believe anything Tony says, unless it's a compliment about my stitches or cooking."
They were both grinning, but I felt awkward.
Thankfully, the chumminess was gone fairly quickly.
"So, I pulled your scans dating back to your initial accident, I hope you don't mind."
"Thank you for taking a look. Everything has felt like a temporary fix, and I really need something that last longer than a year or two."
Dr. Ramos sat down across from me, and my heart began to race.
Sitting was never something I trusted; it's what the doctor did when she told me I was pregnant at 15, and it's how they broke the news that I was paralyzed.
"Have faith." Antonio said as he stood by my side and placed his hand on my shoulder.
"I'm trying."
"Well, Quinn, I believe the problem lies in the fact that you've been getting treatment for your lumbar stenosis when in fact you have tandem stenosis."
"I do?"
"Yes."
She scooted closer to me, opened her tablet, and showed me the scan of my spine.
I'd spent years looking at the L4-L5 lumbar region, but then, Dr. Ramos tapped a different section.
"T12 is pressing down here, and most likely bone spurs."
"What do you recommend?"
"A decompressive laminectomy."
"Do you see a potential spinal fusion in conjunction with the laminectomy?" Antonio asked, and Dr. Ramos shook her head.
"At 27, there's a lot of years ahead and a fusion at could limit range of motion."
"Which I don't want. I have two kids, and I want to be able to keep up with them."
"Which you could with wheels." Dr. Ramos said, and I nodded.
"I know, I've seen people in wheelchairs live full lives, and I know someday I'll be back in one, but I'd like to put that off for as long as I can."
"Understandable. I say we explore the laminectomy sans fusion and see how your recovery goes."
"I'm in." I looked at Antonio, who was texting furiously, and my stomach sank. "Pa, I hope you're not telling Santana or Maribel, I need to talk to her first."
"Actually, I wasn't."
"Oh."
"I was texting the residence director."
"I'm officially benched?"
"From running around here, absolutely. Until your surgery, if you're going to be working here it's in a chair or not at all."
"I knew you'd say that."
"Antonio is right, if you want to avoid further injury, I recommend no strenuous activity."
"My wife isn't going to be happy about that."
"I already know about too much in your sex life with my daughter. Please preserve the mystery that remains."
Dr. Ramos and I both laughed at Antonio's discomfort.
I finally had a chance to stop being in so much pain. Now, I just had to tell Santana.
She'd taken care of me after my last surgery, I hoped that she would still be okay taking care of me, after all the hurt I caused her.
Who am I kidding? My wife loves me, and I trust her.
There was nothing to worry about.
Dr. Ramos left the room first, and I turned to Antonio.
"A word of caution, Pa, if you want to keep this secret from Maribel, keep the two of them out of the same room, the same goes for Santana. I'm not sure you are aware of it, but every time that woman looked at you, you'd blush."
"I'll take that under advisement. Luckily for us all, she's only going to be in Lima through Christmas."
"Steer clear. Trust me, I know a marriage ruiner when I see one."
"And how would you know that?"
"Because, Pa, she was looking at you, in the same longing way that I looked at Santana when she was married to Britt. It may have been that expression, that drove Britt to lose her mind."
"Noted."
SANTANA'S POV
I'd been gathering listings in Philly, as well as mapping out schools, and the commute for Quinn, when Papi called me.
"Bendicion, old man." I joked.
"Que Dios te bendiga. You are lucky that I'm pressed for time."
"Oh yeah? What's up?"
"Some news has come to light, I know Quinn is on her way home to talk to you about it, I just want to let you know that I had a word with Dr. Prizer at CHOP."
"Papi, I told you to wait!"
"Quinn is benched from interning actively, she came to me today, openly admitting how much pain she's in."
"Did she ask for drugs?"
"Yes, but I told her anything I prescribed would be with the stipulation that you'd hold onto them."
"Did she fight you on it?"
"Nope."
"That's progress."
"I took her to meet one of my fellows from the Cleveland Clinic, she's in town for a few months, and is the best in her field."
"Okay, and?"
"She recommends another surgery."
"Of course. I think that would put Quinn at half a dozen back surgeries."
"Well, Nanita, she discovered another injury higher up that has never been addressed."
"Holy shit, I like her already."
"She suggested a surgery that could repair the damage, but it will delay Quinn moving anywhere."
"Well, yeah."
"Dr. Prizer accepted the news like I knew she would. They are so enamored with Quinn, that they are willing to hold her spot for whenever she's ready, whether that's in January or in the fall."
"That's amazing."
"I haven't told Quinn about CHOP, at your request. I sent you the email, and the responses. Be open with her, but I think you should let her talk through this surgery with you, and all that it will entail, like your round-the-clock care."
"I…I don't know if I have it in me, Papi."
"I know, but if you stay on in Lima, maybe move into the big house with us, we can help. You know we have the wheelchair lift, and ramps from when your brother was confined to a chair at the end."
"I know."
"Plus, you can higher a nurse for her."
"She'll hate that."
"Do what you think works for your family, Nanita, I just want you to know that you have options."
"Thanks, Papi."
"I'm happy to help. I need to scrub, I'll check-in tomorrow. I'll be home all day."
"Okay, Papi, cuídate."
"Para siempre."
I had just finished serving dinner when Quinn came into the kitchen, leaning on a cane.
"Hey love." I said, wrapping my arms around her to give her better support.
"Hey."
"Your back is acting up again?"
"You have no idea."
"Well, then let's sit down and eat. Where is Gabe?"
"My mother showed up at pick-up, and asked me if she could take him out, just Gabriel and Nana time."
"Really?"
"Yeah. You know she bonded with him back when I had my surgery, and she looked after him."
"True. Well, Beth is with Mami, she's teaching her how to properly punch."
"Is that the right message to send?"
"Mami is a therapist, Q, you know that it's not going to be a reckless lesson. She's also talking to Beth about restraint, and patience."
"Good. Although, I don't ever remember you exhibiting restraint or patience."
"That's because at Beth's age, Mami was too busy to teach me. All my attitude, and attack first mentality comes from Abuela."
"Good Lord."
"I know, she's feral compared to my mother."
"In that case, can we talk before we eat, my stomach is in knots."
"Papi told me you saw a surgeon about your back…he didn't give me the details, just that you had seen someone."
"Can we sit?" She didn't look annoyed that Papi had gotten to me first.
Thank goodness."
I served us on one plate, grabbed two forks and then led Quinn to the breakfast nook.
We needed to be comfortable if we were going to talk about heavy things.
I should have been annoyed that Papi had called me to warn me about Quinn's surgery, but because of him, I knew how to respond when she sat slowly on the bench, hissing the whole way.
"Has our sex been too rough, Q?"
"No, I don't blame this on sex, this is me overworking myself like I have something to prove."
"Don't you?"
"What do you mean?"
"Ever since I met you, you've been trying to prove something to someone."
"Well, that needs to change, it's killing me."
"Tell me how you want to do that."
She handed me all the paperwork, and to kill two birds with one stone, I handed her my tablet with the emails that Papi sent.
We sat in silence, munching on our food while we read.
I laughed when we looked up at the same time.
"Were you considering allowing me move up my timeline?" she asked, tears in her eyes and a dazzling smile.
"You're willing to put a hold on your career for a life-changing surgery?" I asked when I saw the doctor's recommendation and the healing timeline.
"As much as I'd love to throw caution to the wind and go to CHOP, I believe in God's timing."
"How do figure?"
"This specialist isn't normally in Lima. You got sick right when Britt moved to L.A., can you imagine the strain on our marriage if I needed to take care of you while also med school and the kids?"
She looked annoyed.
"You can't still dislike her. She didn't take care of me for you, or me. I think it was self-serving. She did a number on me in our marriage, not to mention what she did to you. She always says the universe seeks balance."
"You getting deathly sick and her needing to step up was her balance?"
"And her getting Dr. Brooks to agree to a promissory agreement instead of kicking you out."
"You told her what I said about her over sharing?"
"I asked her about it, she says that Dr. Brooks guessed most of it, and was going to sacrifice you to protect her grandson. Britt made her see reason." Q looked so tired. I just wanted to wrap her up, to keep her from harm.
"Universal balance?" She sighed.
"Pretty much. Now, tell me what you want to do now that you have all the facts, and don't worry that I'm going to leave you."
"I need this surgery. I don't want to manage the pain like before, finding ways to get a fix no matter what."
I didn't realize how much I needed to hear that. "There's one more thing, Babe."
"What's that?"
"Papi suggested us moving in with them during your recovery so they can help. They have ramps already set up."
"What do you think?"
"My parents are nosey but they mean well. It's never malicious. Honestly, we could use the help."
"Okay, my only ask is that you tell Beth because as time goes on, she's resenting me like I resent Judy, and it breaks my heart every time."
"I can handle her."
"And you're okay if we go to Philly after I heal? I'm thinking end of the school year."
"That's perfect."
"Good. Now, my love, if you wouldn't mind carrying me to bed, I would appreciate it. I'm in a lot of pain."
"Say less."
NOVEMBER
QUINN'S POV
It didn't matter that we were in Santana's parents' house or that I needed surgery. I couldn't skip cooking Thanksgiving dinner.
We were celebrating two weeks early since I'd be recovering from surgery during actual Thanksgiving.
"My love, you didn't need to do all this." San said as she peeked into the oven.
"If you don't want to eat it, you don't have to."
"Don't be sassy, Q." Vanessa said as she stepped into the kitchen.
"Wait, you're here?" I was stunned as I turned towards my old roommate. "You said you had exams."
"Well, Darius insisted on seeing you in person before your surgery."
"That's what you get when you marry a surgeon." San said before kissing my cheek.
"Seen one nerd seen them all. Hey everybody!" Mercy said, holding up a bottle of wine. "Surprise, Q!"
I was stunned as my friends washed their hands and took on a cooking task.
The only one missing was my mom.
"Quinnie Pooh?" Mother's voice came from the dining room, and then I heard Fran's kids.
"Sis, I stepped back into this town for you, I hope that you're not slacking on the food quality." Fran said.
I looked at my wife, who was smirking from the corner of the kitchen. "You did this?"
"Of course. You are going to be out of commission soon enough, I needed you to have something normal."
I cupped her chin, enjoying the light in her beautiful eyes. I kissed her lips, deepening it for a moment before pulling back to look at her.
"Go have fun with the kids, and make sure you set the table."
"I'm on it. I'm going to set the kids up with video games in the den, with the craft stuff. Call me if you need anything, and don't lift that turkey."
"I'm not trying to ruin my back more than it is."
"Good."
"I love you, Princess."
"I love you, Reina."
"You guys are so gross in your cuteness." Mercy teased.
After all, I had done, it felt like such a blessing that our reconciliation was visible to others.
I took a moment to silently pray that things would continue this way.
After the food was gone, my family was distracted, and I'd made it to the bedroom, I finally gave in to the pain.
I was standing at the bathroom counter, holding tight to the sink bowl, when my back locked.
When I tried to take a step, I lost feeling in my left leg. When I'd nearly snapped my spine in half in my car accident, my femur broke in two places.
I was in a cast for months before the wheelchair.
Now, when the pain began, it always started on my left side.
I heard her before I saw her, so I gripped the counter and tried to smile.
"Mama?" Beth said, grinning from ear to ear.
"Hi Sweets, what's up?"
"Mami sent me to come get you, Auntie Vanessa has a surprise."
I nodded but didn't move, instead waiting for Beth to leave, but she didn't.
"Tell Mami I'm coming."
"You're hurt, aren't you?" She was scrutinizing my face.
I had two choices: lie to my child or let myself be taken care of.
This wasn't the time to be stubborn, so when the tears came, I let them fall.
"Sweets, I need help." I whimpered as I slowly let go of the counter and let myself slump to the floor.
My leg was a dead weight, but thank God Beth was nearly my height. She was able to grab my arm and help me sit.
"Don't move, I'm going to get Mami."
"And Abuelo."
"Okay." She rushed from the bathroom while I arranged my skirt to be presentable.
I'm a lady first before anything.
I could feel the thundering footsteps as I rested my head against the wall.
"Q? Babe, what happened?"
"Can't feel my leg."
"What do you feel?" Antonio asked.
"Radiating pain, lower lumbar." I grunted.
"Level?"
"9."
"You need to go in, I'll call Dr. Ramos for guidance." He said before barking directions to Santana.
She nodded along as she maneuvered me into a supine position.
Once I was on my back, she was kneeling above me with her hands holding my neck still.
"My cervical spine is fine." I said, and she leaned over and kissed my lips before putting lips near my ear.
"Abundance of caution. Just breathe, Beth is watching."
"Okay."
"I love you, Q."
"I love you, too."
I had warned Antonio about letting Dr. Ramos, Maribel, and Santana be in the same room, but this was unavoidable.
My surgery was scheduled for the last week of November, but my body had other ideas.
Santana hovered next to me, fluffing my pillows and arranging my sheets nervously, while Maribel was on the phone directing the people we'd left at the house where to put things away.
Antonio was out in the hall talking to Dr. Ramos, and I kept seeing Maribel looking into the hallway.
"Nanita?"
"Yes, Mami?" San asked after adjusting my sheet for the third time.
"Unless you want that woman to be your stepmother, you'll go get your father before I do."
San glanced at her father, who was chuckling in the hallway, and gave her mother a curt nod before strolling into the hallway.
"What do we know about that woman, Quinn?" Maribel asked me, and I knew better than to jump in.
Thankfully, my wife was expedient.
Antonio came into the room looking chastised, while Dr. Ramos looked amused.
"Quinn! How are you feeling? Is the morphine helping?"
"Yes." I said, even though it was only a minor help. I wasn't trying to get hooked again.
"Antonio was able to reserve an operating room for tomorrow morning. I'll get you one last dose now, then we are going to stop all medications and food."
"Thankfully we had a big dinner." San said before taking my hand and squeezing it.
"No more pushing my surgery back, I guess."
"Your scans came back worse than a few days ago, I'm concerned that if we don't get that compression minimized, that we won't be able to avoid a permanent wheelchair."
"What time tomorrow?" San asked.
"We will get her in first thing in the morning, prep at 6."
Maribel was watching Antonio watch Dr. Ramos with a scowl on her face, and it was amusing to watch.
Once Dr. Ramos left, Maribel huffed as she kissed my cheek. "I'm going to take my husband home and interrogate him since you won't tell me what you know."
"I respect you both too much to get in the middle. The same way you don't get in between me and San, right?"
She glared. "I try to keep it to a minimum when I can."
"I appreciate that. My advice, give him crap but don't take it too far, he loves you more than anything."
Maribel grinned and kissed my face. "Rest, we'll be here when you get out of surgery."
"Thanks, Mom." I said something I rarely did, and Maribel blushed.
"Are you two done whispering in front of us as if we aren't here?" Antonio grumbled, fully aware that he was about to be chewed out by his wife.
Once they left, San kicked off her shoes and pulled the sleeper couch close to the bed.
"Are you staying?"
"Until the end of visiting hours at least."
"Good. Is there a specific reason why?"
"Other than me loving you? I just wanted to ask if you'd be okay with me selling the house in Philly and finding one that doesn't need to be gutted?"
"Of course, but I don't think that's what you wanted to ask me."
She rolled her eyes. "Promise me that you won't make fun of me."
"I promise."
"I feel like we need a do over. We got married faster than I would have liked, and then we went to L.A. where so much lying went on," I knew I was pouting, and she shrugged. "Not just on your part, Luce. Even though I was resentful of you not caring enough about my being sick, because to be honest, I expected the same version of you that showed up in New York to drag me out of my depression to show up."
"Shit. I'm sorry, Princess. You deserved that part of me. I really let you down."
"I know, which is why I am proposing a do over. Just you, me and the kids on a beach somewhere, renewing our vows."
"I'd love that, Princess. You tell me when and where, and I'll be there."
"Even in the hospital, half broken, you are still so fucking charming, Quinn Fabray."
"Now and forevermore, it's Lopez, Dr. Lopez if you're feeling frisky."
"Nope. Sorry to break it to you, but both of my parents are Dr. Lopez, that name is not sexy."
"I should have thought of that, I guess no playing doctor?" I grinned up at her, and she kissed my forehead before scowling at me. "No?" I asked again.
"For the love of God, say less." She said before kissing me harder, and even though the force of her kiss made me ache, I wouldn't trade that feeling for anything.