Chapter 68: I'm Not the Only One (Sam Smith)

1st Year of Residency

DECEMBER

SANTANA'S POV

"Hey San! Where's Gabe?"

"At home." I said, leaning back against my car instead of snapping at Vanessa like I wanted to. She'd been an amazing resource from the first day that I met her, but lines were getting blurred, and I couldn't handle how it was impacting my family.

"Are you serious?" Vanessa stood there looking dumbfounded, but she should have expected this. She couldn't honestly think that I wouldn't find out. "Why?"

"Did you know that Gabe tells me everything?"

She looked nervous but then squared her shoulders and stood to her full height, but I was still taller.

"He's a good boy, I'm glad he's honest."

"Unlike you, right?" Now I was standing to my full height, looking down at her but keeping my distance because I didn't trust my rage when Quinn wasn't around to calm me down.

She sighed. "So, he's not coming over anymore?"

"I asked him what he wanted for his sixth birthday, and he looked at me with so much fucking innocence and said, all he wanted was for me to be able to come to his birthday party. Of course, I was confused…what birthday party could he be talking about, I've been to all his parties."

"It was my parents' idea. He has so many cousins, and since my parents have become more chill, they wanted to celebrate him."

"Which is not a thing Jehovah Witnesses do, right? You don't have parties."

"He's their only grandchild, Santana."

"No. If you want to play house, make another fucking kid, but you can't have Gabe back."

"Seriously? Be rational, he's already excited. I've sent out invites, forked over money to the hall. I bought gifts. If it's about an invitation, please come, bring Beth and Q. Just don't take this from him. Once you calm down, you'll see I'm right."

"I'm being calm right now, Vanessa. I didn't even tell Quinn about it, I wanted to come to you, like an adult. Like you should have done. We could have thrown a party, invited who you wanted, but you went behind our backs, and tried to exclude us."

"I'm sorry. Please don't keep him from me. Not seeing him all the time, while you were in L.A. was hard on me. I barely graduated."

"Tough shit. Get your money back, because we won't even be around for his birthday."

"What?!"

"I need to go. Bye, Vanessa."

I turned my back and was about to climb into the car, but then her hand touched my shoulder, and I froze. "Santana, please don't do this."

"You've got five seconds to take your fucking hand off of me, or I will break your fucking fingers."

She snatched her hand back but still hovered close to me.

"You're going to regret this, Santana."

I turned around and stepped into her personal space. "Are you threatening me?"

"No. I just know my friend. Quinn is flakey with everything that isn't academic. When I found out about her affair, I wasn't surprised. She fucked Asha, to get through college, fucked that turd to get through med school, stands to reason that she'll find someone to fuck through residency. When that day comes, and you're sitting at home overwhelmed, you'll regret cutting me out. If you get sick again, Brittany isn't here to pick you up, you have no allies. I could have been that for you."

She was crying, her lip trembled, and in that moment all I saw was my son in her features.

They cried the same.

I was struck by the memory of Quinn's spiral once Shelby put her foot down and blocked Q from Beth.

What kind of misery was I about to sink Vanessa into?

I didn't have an Ivy League degree, but I wasn't a fool, I knew to keep my enemies close. Quinn had changed, but how much?

Vanessa's words burned through me, and I knew then that I couldn't be blindsided again with no one to lean on, so I took a breath and swallowed back my hurt.

"We are taking him to Universal in Orlando, you can come with us, but the party is cancelled. If you want to see Gabe, you'll come to our house until I can trust you with him again. Your parents are cut off, Gabe will be just fine with the grandparents he already has. If you still want to have access that's my dealbreaker. Deal?"

Her arms wrapped tightly around me, just like Rachel used to do, and I felt momentarily winded from the fierceness of it.

"Thank you. I'll cancel the party, I swear."

"Send me the canceled invoices. I need proof."

"Okay, whatever you want."

"You can let me go now."

"Shit, my bad.

Once she stepped back, I wiped the tears that had escaped my eyes and stared her down.

"You can't have him this weekend, my folks are here, but you can come over for Sunday brunch. Quinn is off, Jake and Kitty will be there, so will Rachel, feel free to bring your guy. We'll watch the game, chop it up, and put this behind us."

"I'd love that."

"Great, see you then."

Usually, after dropping Gabe off, I'd go to a meeting, but right then I needed something more.

Are you still at work, can I come to see you?-S

Is everything okay? How'd drop off go?-C

It didn't. I just need to talk, the meeting won't be enough.-S

Working late, come by. Bring food, I'm starving!-C

I chuckled, as I headed back to center city.

When we moved back to Philly, and I realized that with both kids in school that there wasn't much for me to do at home, I started volunteering with the Drexel HOPE program for at-risk communities. Carla had convinced me to re-enroll part-time since I was already halfway to my degree.

I couldn't be in the music program that I was in before I dropped out, but I could at least finish. I pivoted my concentration to Behavioral Healthcare and fell in love with it.

For now, I had only told Quinn about it, not wanting to make a big deal out of being back in school, just in case I never finished, especially since my major leaned close to Mami's realm.

I knew my mother, once she got an inkling that I was interested in mental health, she'd push me to go to med school or at least become a psychologist, and I didn't want to be pushed.

I was forced into Louisville, and felt too bored with Drexel in music, so this time I needed to do things my own way.

Slow and steady.

As for my sobriety, Carla was now my sponsor and closest friend, with her guidance keeping me from leaning too close to the darkness, I'd been able to talk to Vanessa instead of bashing her face in.

My cravings weren't for drugs, they were for violence.

I was holding in rage, probably from all the hurt of L.A. and now from Vanessa and her bullshit, so I was being proactive.

Are you being good for Abuelo? How's Gabe?-Mami

Yes! Gabe is fine. We are going to chocolate heaven. Are you going to be home in time?-Kiddo

No, I am going to see Carla. Bring me back dessert.-Mami

Okay! I love you, Mami!-Beth

I love you too, be good!-Mami

Chocolate Heaven, Mami! :D-Beth

I grinned at my texts while I entered Carla's office.

"You look happy."

I nodded and dropped a greasy bag on her desk before sitting down across from her.

"My parents are here, they are taking the kids to the chocolate place."

"Oh God, Beth is probably thrilled."

"Yup. That's what made me smile."

Carla broke her hoagie in half and slid one of the halves to me. "Eat."

I knew better than to argue.

Over the next twenty minutes, I broke down the whole Vanessa situation with Carla, and she nodded as she watched me eat.

"Did I do the right thing?"

"What do you think?"

"I think that Quinn would have handled it differently."

"How so?"

"Quinn has two modes; you're her friend or you're dead to her. Vanessa exists outside that boundary because of her sacrifice. Quinn sees herself in Vanessa, so knowing her, she probably would have been hurt but wouldn't have set boundaries with her."

"How will Quinn feel once you tell her about this?"

"I hadn't planned on telling her."

"Why not?"

"She's busy at work, so when she's home I try to make it pleasant and relaxing. I handle all the stress; I want to handle things differently this time. In L.A., I still expected her to come home and do things. I argued with her, and now I don't want to. I want to be her stress relief."

"That sounds like a one-way ticket to burnout."

"I know, I need to strike a balance, but I don't know what that is. Q was able to get off for Gabe's birthday and Christmas, but she works for New Years'. We are going to Orlando for four days, with Vanessa coming, maybe we will get some alone time."

"Maybe?"

"I'll make it a priority."

"How is volunteering?"

"It helps. More than meetings or 12 steps, it keeps me centered. I was a spoiled rich kid, I kind of still am. I haven't had to work, I only do it because I want to. I'm now surrounded by people who don't have the same resources that I did. It's really put my life into perspective."

"That's amazing."

"Yeah, it is. I plan to take the family to volunteer tomorrow, I want my parents to see what I'm doing."

"And your kids."

"Yes, they need the humility too, especially Beth."

"How's her attitude?"

"She's nearly finished being grounded, and now that I've allowed her back her phone, she's practically an angel."

"How is she with Quinn?"

"Beth has followed suit with me. She does everything she can to be her best self when Quinn is home."

"Who is she when Quinn's not home?"

"She's 12, Carla. The girl is out on the front stoop with her little girlfriends, having crushes, and is annoyed by her baby brother being in her business."

"Sounds typical."

"I let her be a kid, I want to do that for as long as I can. What matters most is that she's always respectful, is getting good grades in school, and remains transparent with me. In my eyes, she's doing that so we're good."

"You're an amazing mom, Santana. I'm so proud of you."

"Thanks, I never thought I'd be doing this at my age, but I wouldn't trade my life for anything. I love my kids and my wife. Our vibes are so different in Philly, we are all grinding differently. It's more real here."

"I'm still shocked that a prissy girl like you didn't like it in L.A."

"I'm a country girl, I'm used to the laid-back culture. I don't care if someone is rude, as long as they're kind. L.A. was full of people being nice to my face and turning on me once I wasn't around. I couldn't get used to that shit."

"I hear you."

1st Year of Residency

JANUARY

"I hate you." I growled at Vanessa, the moment that she answered the phone.

"What did I do now?"

"I put her infidelity out of my mind after we left California, but then you brought it back up, now I'm paranoid."

She sighed.

"I'm working at UPENN today, want to meet up so you can tell me off in person?"

"Not really, I have shit to do. I can't just put my shit aside."

"Fine. Want to tell me what she's doing to make you paranoid?"

"It's small things. I can't quite put my finger on it…something is off."

"She seemed find when we were in Orlando, Santana, maybe you're just looking for a fight? You sound hormonal."

"Fuck you!"

Another sigh, "Didn't you start IVF?"

"Yeah, so."

"Those drugs will make you crazy. I've seen it first-hand."

"It's not the drugs, okay. It's Quinn. She was so excited to do this together, but I couldn't nail her down on picking a donor, so I had to pick by myself."

"That doesn't sound right."

"See! Now I'm stabbing myself in the ass, and she's disconnected."

"Maybe she changed her mind."

"That's what I thought, but everyday she asks me how I'm feeling, and if I need anything."

"It might just be stress, residency is intense. Asha was walking around our place making me nuts, that's why I moved. I couldn't take the stress. I'm so glad her wife has taken her off my hands."

"So, you don't think she's fucking someone else?"

"I have no idea. You know who would know?"

"Who?"

"Asha. Call her."

"I don't have her number."

"I'll text it to you. Call her, she'll be able to tell you if there's something to be worried about."

"Somehow, I don't believe that. She's loyal to Q, I'm pretty sure she knew about the last time, and she didn't give me any hints."

"You might be right. Look, I'll call Q, since I'm close to CHOP, maybe I can check in on her break."

"Thank you."

"Don't mention it. Now, tell me how Gabe is doing."

"He's great! Right now, he's really into chess club at school. He might be a genius."

"Damn right!"

Vanessa managed to make me smile before hanging up the phone.

Miracle of all miracles.

1st Year of Residency

MARCH

Vanessa had placated me back in January, and most likely tipped off Q that I was sniffing around, because she was attentive out of nowhere.

In fact, Q was by my side during the egg retrieval and implantation.

Of course, that all happened within two weeks in February, so it wasn't like it lasted long.

Before they put the embryo back in me, my oncologist insisted on a full panel, which I aced! I was in full remission again with no lumps in sight, so we were striking while my body was healthy and whole.

My previous trauma with breast cancer had me hyper aware of my boobs, so when my tits began to ache, I got nervous.

The last thing on my mind was pregnancy, even though we were waiting to take a test when Quinn got home from working a double.

She'd be off for the next two days, and we planned to make it count.

It was our anniversary, and I planned to celebrate as much as possible.

Quinn came home from a 48-hour shift, smelling to the high heavens. I took one look at her and pointed to the bathroom.

She gave me a soft smile and went straight into the shower.

While she was cleaning up, I snooped through her purse, not sure what I was looking for but found nothing.

"Mami?" Beth stood in the doorway with a grimace on her face. "Is Mama here?"

"Yes."

"How did she look?"

"Fine, she just stinks."

"Oh. Do you think she's open to talk?"

"Probably, what's going on?"

"Grandma called me, she sounded drunk. I think she thought I was Mama; she cursed a bunch and called me an ungrateful b-word."

"When did this happen?" I heard Q say from behind me, sounding more alert than she'd been in a while.

"Oh, hi Mama. Bendicion."

Quinn smiled, "Que Dios te Bendiga."

"She called me twice. Last call was like an hour ago."

"If she calls again, don't answer. I'll talk to her. I'm sorry she did that, Sweets."

"Why did she? Did you do something to upset her?"

Quinn glanced at me, then at Beth. She looked guilty, then shook her head. "It could be a number of things. She still tells me off about splitting up her marriage. You know when I was pregnant with you, she decided to support me, and Russell divorced her. She blames me for that."

"Maybe she blames me too." Beth squeaked.

"No. It's not your fault. You didn't ask to be here, that's on me. I wouldn't change a thing about having you, Sweets."

Q brushed past me and pulled Beth into a hug, rocking Beth before kissing her cheek.

"Thanks, Mama. I love you."

"I love you too, we can talk more about this tomorrow. I'll be here all day, okay. Maybe we can have one of those spa days."

"Really? I haven't had one since before my punishment." Beth looked at me, "Is that okay, Mami?"

"Of course."

Beth kissed us goodnight before heading upstairs to her room.

I thought all was well, but my wife was full of surprises.

Quinn closed our bedroom door, and her calm façade crumbled. "That fucking bitch, how dare she call Beth."

"Whoa. I've never heard you talk about Judy like that."

"Because normally, I hold onto some decorum, but she's been out of hand lately."

"Why? What did you do?"

"I sued Russell's estate. He never signed his new will that cut me and our kids out of the Fabray family trust. We are the only remaining Fabrays, and I deserved my cut, so I sued to have it thrown out, and I won."

"When did you do that?"

"I hired a lawyer right after he died, this has been tied up in the courts ever since. Instead of Mother splitting the trust with Fran, now she also needs to split it with me."

"Shit. How much are we talking?"

"It's old money, S, it's been around for generations. I just got the verdict two days ago, I'm not sure what my cut is yet but it's substantial."

"Bigger than my trust?"

She smiled and nodded.

"Never work another day of our lives big."

"Wow. No wonder he turned his nose down at my father. Is any of it slave money?"

Q shrugged and nodded. "Probably. What better way to use it than to take care of my racially diverse family. Fuck my racist ancestors."

This whole ordeal had done one thing that I needed more than anything, it lit the fire in my wife that had been waning lately.

"My boobs hurt." I blurted out, and her mood shifted.

"Did you do a self-exam?"

"Nothing new, it's more my nipples than anything.

"Can we do a test yet?"

"We were cleared to do it yesterday, but I was waiting for you."

She grinned and finally pulled me into her arms.

Her touch was warm against my skin, but I hissed when she brushed against my chest. "That's a good sign, Princess."

"You think so?"

Q took my hand and led me to the bathroom.

I watched as she pulled out a plastic cup. "Pee in that, so we can dip more than one test in."

"Okay."

I sat down and filled the cup as much as I could, before putting it on the counter.

Q didn't look bothered at all, instead, she ripped open two tests and dipped them in my pee before washing her hands.

After I cleaned myself up, she was on me, pressing me back against the wall and pressing her lips to my neck.

"Fuck, Q."

"Is that what you need, Princess?"

"Yes!"

Her fingers slid into my shorts, and I shivered when I felt the coldness of her touch. "How long has it been, baby, since I fucked you against the wall?"

"I don't remember." I moaned when she flicked my clit. "Fuck!"

"Let's rectify that." She said before sliding her fingers into me, thrusting them as deep as she could go.

"Fuck!" I wrapped my arms around her and put my head on her shoulder while she continued to fuck me.

"I'm going to take you every way I can, Princess, I've been training extra in PT, to make sure I could use a strap on you."

"Oh God! Don't stop. Fuck me, Q, fuck, fuck, fuck." I groaned as she flicked my clit with her thumb.

My body shuddered as I came apart in her arms.

I threw my head back against the wall and grinned at her as the timer on her phone chimed.

"Can you check? I can't feel my legs right now."

Q kissed my face, before turning to the sink.

I watched her reflection as she turned them over and then stood there staring.

"Unbelievable." She muttered with an unreadable expression.

"What?"

"You're pregnant, Princess." When she turned to look at me, she had tears in her eyes.

"Please tell me you didn't change your mind."

She looked perplexed, and then finally smiled. "Of course not, this is so amazing. It's early, and we'll need to be careful these next few weeks, but I'm insanely happy, San."

It wasn't until I saw her happiness that I let myself feel the joy.

We were having a baby.

Q pressed her hands to what remained of my abs, since I hadn't worked out in ages, and pressed her lips to mine.

I gripped her hair in my fist and kept her in place as I deepened the kiss.

Her fingers were moving again, but she froze when her phone rang.

"Do you have to get that?"

"I do."

I kissed her once more and then let her hair go.

She was grinning as she picked up her phone and then looked back at me. "It's Judy."

"Answer it. I need to go make sure the kids are tucked in."

"We can't tell them yet." Q reminded me.

"I know. Call Judy back and try to keep it down. Don't let her rile you up, we need good vibes right now." I warned, and she nodded, kissing me one more time before I left her to deal with her mother.

1st Year of Residency

MAY

"You're glowing." Vanessa said, as she came into the kitchen where I was cooking pancakes.

"It's hot." I said, without looking up.

"I think we're both glowing." She said, and I finally looked at her and tilted my head as I took her in.

"No fucking way, really?" I whispered.

"Yeah."

"How do your parents feel?"

"They don't know. Keith and I are going to get hitched first, we are having a small ceremony in a few weeks. No big fuss, that's actually why I'm here. I wanted to deliver your invite in person."

"We'll be there."

"Nice. So, when are you telling people?"

"I'm out of the danger zone, just had my check-up, everything looks good. I just don't know how to tell the kids."

"It should be you and Quinn, get take-out, and tell them here, just in case Gabe has a negative reaction."

"You don't think he will, do you?" I hadn't been concerned about that, but Vanessa had a point. Gabe was my baby.

I spoiled him like crazy, what if he was jealous?

"Don't panic, I'm sure he'll be fine. Just make sure you give him extra attention."

"If I give him any more attention, he'll become fused to my hip."

"Okay, you'll need to work on that for sure."

"Definitely."

"Does Quinn know about the baby?"

"Nope, other than Keith and my doctors, nobody knows. I took one look at you and guessed, because it's obvious to me, and would probably be obvious to your parents if they saw you in person."

"You're right, especially with Papi. He'd be able to tell without a doubt."

"When does Quinn get home?"

"She's off today, she's still in bed."

"It's almost noon."

"She works hard."

"Can I go wake her up?"

"Sure."

"Sweet!"

Vanessa squeezed me tight and then left me to continue flipping my pancakes in peace.

It seemed like every time we talked lately, she filled me with anxiety.

No bueno.

My parents surprised me on the Friday before Memorial Day, by showing up on our doorstep two days earlier than I was expecting, sporting fresh tans from their most recent cruise.

The kids were in school, and Quinn was at work. I had taken the day off, since I felt like shit, and hadn't bothered to get dressed or showered.

Morning sickness was kicking my ass.

I had been throwing up all morning and was wearing sweats even though it was sweltering outside.

Had I known that my parents would be there, I would have at least brushed my hair.

Their faces dropped when I pulled the door open and waved them in.

At least I had cleaned the house the night before, that saved me from having to hear my mother's mouth.

"Nanita, you look ill." Papi said, pressing his warm hand to my clammy forehead. "Is this a normal cold?"

I sat down on the couch and pulled my hoodie strings, as my parents settled down across from me, with matching looks of concern.

"You weren't supposed to find out like this." I said and then was cut off by my mother's sob. "Oh God, please don't cry, Mami…if you cry, I'll cry." I warned.

"What are we looking at?" Papi asked, trying to put on a brave face.

I got up, and went into the kitchen, taking down the sonogram that Beth had proudly put up after we'd told her and Gabe.

They were both excited to welcome a new sibling and were excited to be a part of our big secret reveal in a few days.

Oh well.

I handed the sonogram to my father before sitting back down on the couch. I grinned as I watched their faces turn from horror to shock to glee.

"You're pregnant." Mami shrieked before launching herself across the living room and pulling me into a hug. "I can't believe it, gracias a Dios!"

"The kids were excited to surprise you, and now you've both gone ahead and ruined it."

They waved me off and immediately went into pampering mode.

And I didn't mind one bit.

By the time that Quinn and the kids came home, I had my feet up on the couch as my parents bustled around cleaning and cooking.

"Aw man, you told them?" Gabe said, looking disappointed.

I pointed to Papi, "Blame your Abuelo, he convinced Abuela to come two days earlier."

"Seriously, Abuelo!" Beth chimed in, and I chuckled as I watched my parents try to explain themselves.

"Hey lover." Quinn said, as she knelt next to the couch. "How are you feeling?"

"I was sick all day, but then Mami made me some kind of tea, and rubbed my feet. I'm feeling better now."

"Good."

"How was your day, Babe?"

"Judy and Fran, called me, they want to get together and memorialize Russell. I told them it was unnecessary. They're both mad, I can't find a fuck to give."

"Good for you, Lucy Lu, I'm so proud of you."

Q pressed her lips to mine, and I groaned, my hormones were out of control, and she knew it. "Show me your appreciation tonight, Princess. I could use some praise." She winked, and I swooned.

"Anything for you, mi Reina." I teased her and she blushed.

2nd Year of Residency

SEPTEMBER

I should have been resting.

The pampering I got in my early pregnancy was absent as I neared the end.

Maybe I had been paranoid back in January, but I was fucking certain now that Quinn was back to her old ways.

The difference now was that I was too pregnant to care.

Everything became about making it to my due date in one piece while also being available for my kids.

I was rushing from volunteering to my class, when I felt a sharp pain in my back, and had to rest against a light pole to catch my breath.

"Fuck." I groaned, as I felt a kick. "Relax, Mi'ja. Please, baby, Mami needs to breathe, you need to stop headbutting my lungs."

I felt another pain and knew that I had overdone it.

Thankfully, Carla's office was just down the street.

Help. I'm at the corner, can't move.-San

OMW!-Carla

I took slow breaths as the pain dissipated enough for me to sit on the edge of a wall.

Carla came bustling down the street with her father in tow.

I hadn't seen him in years, and was stunned when he held his arms open for me.

"Santana Lopez, look at you!" He grinned as he helped me to my feet. "You look gorgeous!"

"Thanks."

"Can I help you into a cab?"

"I have a class."

"You're going to pass out any second, at least come to my office." Carla cut in.

"Fine, can I lean on one of you?"

"That's why I brought my Pop. He's here to visit and was so excited when you texted that he sprinted out of my office."

"I bet."

Once I was in the air-conditioned office, with food in front of me, I felt the baby chill the fuck out.

"Are you overdoing it?" Carlo asked, as he crunched on his fries.

"You know I am." I admitted.

"Same stubborn, pain in the ass." He chuckled.

"But sober, and responsible." I grinned.

"Sober is good. The responsibility though, is lacking. You should be at home with your feet up instead of running around like you're not about to push out a kid."

"I missed how you cut through the bullshit, Carlo."

"And I missed having someone to nag about their questionable choices."

"There's no way that's true."

He winked, "How's Quinn?"

"No idea. She's practically sleeping at the hospital. She hasn't been home all week."

"You're pregnant."

"I'm aware."

"And you have two other kids, and a job."

"Again, I'm aware."

"Where the fuck is she sleeping?" Carla said, once she was finished gorging on her own food.

"They have condos nearby for families who come from out of town, they let the residents use them when they're on call sometimes."

"Did she run this by you?" Carla was getting heated, and I didn't need that kind of ammo.

"Please, Carla, not now. I'm just calming down."

"Fine. Don't think I won't call her myself."

"There's no point. I think my fears are coming true."

"No way, she wouldn't do that, not while you're pregnant." Carla looked shocked.

"Right now, my senses are like a fucking bloodhound, she doesn't smell the same. The sex is nonexistent, and she's spacey."

"You don't think she's using again, do you?"

"I am trying to trust her, but she's not making it easy."

Carlo grunted, then threw up his hands. "Not to play devil's advocate, but I remember being out of touch during my wife's pregnancies but once the baby was here, I changed my tune. Maybe that's what it is."

I didn't want to keep the conversation going, so I just shrugged. "It is what it is. I put it in God's hands, I don't have the energy to do more than that."

Carla escorted me home after she saw that I was steady on my feet and not close to passing out.

I had left the slow cooker on that morning, knowing Beth would take care of the rest once she was home.

What I wasn't prepared for was Beth making out with some boy on the front stoop.

I stepped out of the cab and waved to Carla before making my way toward the house.

Beth was small in comparison to the boy hovering over her.

My rage bubbled, as I gripped the back of his shirt and yanked him back. "Let this be the last fucking time, I see you touching my daughter." I growled.

He looked panicked and stumbled away down the street, mumbling apologies.

Beth stood there looking enraged.

"You embarrassed me!" She cried out, and I saw the fleck of green in her braces.

"Let's not compare who is more embarrassed right now, especially not with that spinach in your teeth."

She covered her mouth as her face flushed red. "Why are you so mean?"

"Where's your brother?"

"Inside watching cartoons."

"How long has he been in there by himself?"

"You really need to stop babying him."

"Get your ass in the house, you don't tell me what to do. I'm the parent here."

"Yeah, yeah." She muttered as she made her way to the front door.

I froze in the doorway when I saw Gabe jumping on our cream-colored sofa, with a cookie in each hand while he sang along to whatever show he was watching.

"The fuck is happening right now?" I said as I dropped my keys on the side table.

"You're in trouble!" Beth said, and Gabe turned to look at her, then froze when he saw me.

I was about to say something when I saw him jump down, and noticed he was still in his sneakers.

"You must have lost your motherfucking mind, Gabriel Lopez!"

It was rare for me to raise my voice, so the moment I did, Gabe was wailing as if I'd struck him.

The pain was back, and it knocked the wind out of me.

I pushed through it and sat down in Quinn's cherished recliner.

"Are you okay, Mami, what do you need?" Beth was practically yelling to be heard over Gabe's sobbing.

"I need you to take your brother upstairs and talk some sense into him. I can't deal with this right now."

"I'm sorry, Mami!" He kept saying, and I nodded but wouldn't look at him.

More because it hurt to move than me shunning him, but I was pretty sure that's not what it felt like to him, as Beth pulled him up the steps.

At some point, I passed out, as the baby settled down.

I was shaken awake by a freshly showered Quinn, who was checking my pulse.

"What are you doing?" I croaked.

"You don't look well, San, Carla called me and told me you nearly passed out on the street. She actually yelled at me."

"Oh."

"Then Beth told me about how you yelled at Gabriel."

"Yeah, not my best moment. Is he upset?"

"No. He's grounded though and plans to apologize to you profusely. I explained that you don't hate him."

"Thanks."

"I scheduled an appointment with your OB for tomorrow morning, I told her your symptoms and she suggested that you might need to be on bed rest until delivery."

"No. I don't have time to rest, not yet." I whined, and Quinn leaned in, caressing my face tenderly, before kissing my lips.

"You earned rest, Princess. You'll never forgive yourself if something happens to our little girl."

And she was right.

"How will things get done around here?"

"I got the week off, so I'll do anything you need. At least for this week, I need you to rest, let me handle the kids."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course, I'm sure, Princess. Now, I ordered a pizza, it should be here any minute. Do you want to eat here, or in bed?"

"Here."

"Okay, I'll get the table tray set up."

"Are the kids eating with us?"

"Jake came and got them for the night, he'll get them to school tomorrow. I told him that you needed a break."

"How long was I asleep?"

"I've been here for two hours, the kids left about 45 minutes ago. So, it's just us."

"If you're up for it, want to rock my world?"

"Try and stop me." She winked, and I swooned.

This was what was different from L.A. back then, she didn't notice when I was sick or falling apart, now it seemed like she did.

Maybe everyone was right, the stress of residency had her disconnected, but she was still faithful and still my wife.

I felt relieved.

She was a godsend.

2nd Year of Residency

OCTOBER

Bed rest was stupid.

I had been confined to my bed for four weeks so far, and I wanted to crawl out of my skin. There was only so much tv I could watch.

Quinn tried to make it better by putting a mini fridge in our room, which would be useful for storing milk once I started pumping.

It was a sweet thing for her to do, but I'll admit, I wasn't happy about it.

Beth had taken over dinner, making sure that we all ate something healthy and hearty, and each day, she'd update me on the drama in 7th grade.

Gabe though, had been curling up with me at every free moment, clingier than ever after I yelled at him.

It was only when the kids were home that I felt normal, but otherwise, I was miserable.

"You should invite your parents to stay until you give birth, my love." Quinn said when she came home that night, once again smelling different.

I wrinkled up my nose as I watched her take off her clothes on her way to the shower.

My heart sank when I saw the bruising that wrapped around her back and hip.

It looked like a large handprint.

Getting confirmation that my wife was cheating on me, again, when I was eight months pregnant, and stuck in bed was not what I needed.

While she showered, I let the tears flow, and then did my best to push them down when I heard the shower stop.

By the time she came back into the room, dressed in pajamas, I felt like I was going to explode.

It was the soft smile on her face that made me feel like slapping the shit out of her.

How could she do this?

I was quaking with rage as she smiled softly at me, while she sat on the edge of the bed, running her cool hand up and down my leg.

Her touch burned, and I wanted nothing more than for her to fuck off, but at the same time, the comfort felt nice.

I was pathetic.

She was playing me for a fool, for God knows how long, and now that I knew the truth, I was connecting the dots.

There'd been so many red flags since last August, over a year ago, how had I missed them?

"Can I get you anything before I climb in with you?"

I'd been biting my lower lip to hold in the sobs while she touched me, but now that I was forced to speak, I couldn't be cool, I needed answers.

"Did your maternity leave get approved?" I choked out, feeling my chest ache, and my lungs get tight.

"Yes, they offered for me to take it sooner because you're on bed rest, but I declined."

"Why the fuck would you do that?" I snapped, my breaths coming short, as the wheezing began.

She grabbed my emergency inhaler and shook it before handing it to me.

"Calm down for me, love, it's okay, I'd drive you crazy if I was here all day, every day. You still have more than a month before you're due. How about I take it for the last month?"

I sucked on the inhaler twice and then took a long breath before answering. "Fine." I grumbled.

"Beth told me that you ate dinner, but it's past midnight, so I'm sure you're hungry again. Can I get you anything?"

I didn't want a fucking thing from her, but I needed to not see her face, so I decided to make her work for my happiness.

"I want pancakes, and hot chocolate."

"You've got it, Princess."

"With the big marshmallow, not those stupid little ones."

"I'm on it." She kissed my lips and then left me sitting there feeling so fucking hurt.

I scrubbed my lips with my fingernails and fought back the urge to scream.

The baby kicked me, feeling my distress, so I hummed as I rubbed my stomach. "Lo siento, bebé."

Four days before my birthday, just two weeks after Quinn broke my heart with that fucking bruise, I felt the first contraction.

I got up from the bed and made it before getting my bag packed. The baby wasn't due for another five weeks, but I knew that she was ready.

My pain tolerance was ridiculously high, because I made it about twenty minutes from that first contraction before my water broke on the bathroom floor.

I called Quinn but she didn't answer.

When I felt the urge to push, I knew that there was no way I was making it to the hospital. I was sobbing as I filled up the tub with lukewarm water, before I called Vanessa, who was working in Manhattan that day, but she stepped away to talk me through it.

Even though she'd lost her own baby just a few short weeks after she'd told me, there she was on the phone with me to talk me through this.

If I didn't know before that moment, I knew then that Vanessa was a true friend.

She helped me to breathe through the pain and focus on the joy instead.

I gave birth to my daughter all alone, with Vanessa and a random OB talking me through it.

My body felt weak as I cradled my little girl to my breast and sang to her.

"Any word?" I asked Vanessa once the baby was asleep. I was beginning to shiver in the cooling water and couldn't get the strength to move.

"I had her paged at CHOP, she's on call, but they haven't heard from her yet."

"What do you mean?"

"She's not in the hospital."

I felt the tears then, and didn't fight them back. "Did you call the ambulance?"

"I did, they are in route. So is Jake, since he's close and has a key, he'll be able to let them inside."

"Thank you." I whispered.

"Santana, you sound faint, stay with me, okay."

"The water is red." I mumbled.

"God in heaven, Santana, just hang on okay. Help is coming."

"Mmmhmm."

I was just about to drift off when I felt the baby squirm, when she began to cry, I was alert again.

"God is so good, did that jolt you?"

"Yeah, can I feed her yet? I think she's hungry."

"Do you have any milk?"

"A little, I think."

"Go ahead and try."

"Thank God I took those birthing classes." I said, as I tried to get my baby girl to latch, and after a few moments of grunting she managed to latch. "She's doing it."

"Good girl, another genius, Santana."

"Yeah."

I heard the footsteps pounding on the stairs, as the edges of my vision started to fade a bit. My fear of dropping the baby into the water kept me lucid.

"Santana, I can't hear you." Vanessa sounded panicked.

"Help is coming. I hear them."

"Good, keep holding on, okay. Just a little longer."

"Mmmhmm."

I woke up in a hospital room, with a blood bag hanging next to me.

"You're awake, thank God." I looked at my wife, who was sitting there with a rosary in her hand. Her hair was mussed, and there was a hickey on her collarbone.

Had she been with this person while I was giving birth?

"Where is she?" I asked her, with my throat feeling tight.

"She's being examined. So far, every test is coming back perfect. You did so well, love. I'm so proud of you."

I didn't want Quinn to be there.

All I wanted was the baby.

"I need her."

"They're bringing her back as soon as they are done."

"Where's the kids?"

"Jake should be picking them up from school right now."

"Okay."

"I'm sorry that I didn't take the leave, I'm sorry that I wasn't there."

"I called you four times."

"I know."

"I had Vanessa get you paged, but you weren't at the hospital. Where were you?"

"What?"

"Where were you?"

"I was at the condo, I was asleep. I'm sorry, I fucked up. Please don't hate me for not being there."

"You should go check on the baby or call my parents."

"I want to be here with you."

"Well, I don't want you here. I need you to go."

I could see the guilt all over her, her sins were covering her like a grime that I could finally see clearly.

"Santana, please…you matter to me. I love you."

The door opened and in came the nurse to distract me before I could tell Quinn where to shove her stupid fucking love.

I felt enraged until the baby was back in my arms, wrapped in a blanket and staring up at me with wide eyes.

"Hey there, Bebe. Happy Birthday, baby girl."

Right then, all my love was for my baby, Quinn could kick rocks with open-toed shoes for all I fucking cared.

2nd Year of Residency

QUINN'S POV

OCTOBER

I stood outside of San's hospital room with my arms wrapped around myself, trying to calm down but I couldn't get the tears to stop.

"Q?" I looked up at the sound of my name and was met with Vanessa's eyes searching my face. It had been her that talked Santana through the hardest thing in the world.

"Oh God, thank you for helping her!" I opened my arms for Vanessa, but she gripped my chin and angled my head.

"Did you go in there looking like this?"

I pulled back, confused.

"What?"

"You have a giant fucking hickey on your neck, and since Santana told me that you two haven't been intimate in months, I know that's not from her."

I pressed my fingers to where she was staring and felt the indents from teeth marks. Was this what my wife had seen?

Is this why she didn't want me near her?

Fuck!

"She doesn't want me in there."

"I wouldn't either, is that from today?"

More tears came, and I slammed my eyes shut, feeling so embarrassed.

"I fucked up."

"I hope she divorces you." Vanessa said and then walked into the room where I heard Santana's laughter a few moments later.

I'd gotten reckless lately, and at the worst moment, it took me away from the birth of my child. I was pretty sure that Santana would hate me forever now.

My phone vibrated. It was my first instinct to check it because I was still on call, even though they knew I was with my wife and newborn. Rather than drop me from the schedule, I was supposed to be a last resort.

Rage filled me when I saw the message.

Don't care if you're on maternity leave. We have a deal.-ANONYMOUS

You broke that deal when you bit me so hard that you marked me, asshole!-Quinn

Didn't hear you complain when you were screaming for me. I expect to see you at our usual time. Don't be late.-ANONYMOUS

I can't. We are done.-Quinn

Not optional.-ANONYMOUS

Fuck your extortion, it's not worth losing my family.-Quinn

Don't be late.-ANONYMOUS

I went home and was horrified to find the bloody remnants of my wife's labor staining our floor and tub.

She'd been all alone.

I could have been there, but he'd talked me out of using my full leave.

For two hours, I scrubbed the bathroom, did the laundry, and set up the crib that was half built in the corner of the room.

San had asked me to set it up since she was too tired, and I kept saying I'd get to it. She'd obviously tried but gave up.

I'd been half-assing my way through our marriage for months, and now the consequences of my actions, or lack thereof, were coming back to bite me in the ass.

I was bone tired when my phone rang, and the sight of Santana's face made my tears fall.

Had she called me on video to make sure I wasn't somewhere I shouldn't be?

"Hey love." I said, feeling so unworthy of her.

"You left us." Her voice was full of emotion, as she looked beyond me. "You're home."

"I came to clean up, so that when you were released you could come home to comfort. I hope that's okay."

She nodded, and then my heart sank, when her glare got hard. "Are you there alone?"

"Yes. The kids are with Jake and Kitty, they are coming by after gymnastics."

"When will you be back?"

I wanted to ignore the threats I'd received, but I knew that I couldn't.

"I have PT tonight, I was going to skip it…" I trailed off, wanting her to agree with me but knowing she wouldn't.

"No. Go to PT, it's important. Can you bring me a change of clothes though?"

"Of course, my love."

"Thank you."

I wanted to apologize, but I knew better than to bring my absence back up.

"I'll be there by 7:30."

"Okay, bye for now."

"I love you." I said, and she raised her eyebrow, then glanced at my neck before calling me out.

"My parents will be here by the time you arrive, cover that before they see it. I will not make the birth of our child about your fuckups."

"I…I'm sorry." I said, and she shook her head.

"No. I don't accept that. Your words mean nothing to me anymore. Show me how you feel, because right now, what I'm seeing so far is the opposite of love. Enjoy PT, I have to go." She said and then ended the call.

Did she know what PT meant?

Sure, I saw an actual physical therapist, but at this point it was twice a month.

As far as she knew though, I went three times a week, faithfully.

Had she figured me out?

And if so, for how long?

I had so many questions, but the answers didn't really matter, all that mattered was her and our family.

She wanted actions, so I did the one thing that had helped in the past, I went in search of the chastity belt.

I'd packed a bag for Santana and tucked the chastity belt inside with the key. I knew that I had to go to PT without it on, because I didn't want him to make things worse for me.

When I stepped into the office, there he was, the place was empty since it was after hours, but he was still dressed in scrubs.

The physical therapy place was his side hustle, a way to make his own income outside of his family, and it was a perfect excuse to carry-on our affair.

"Let me see my masterpiece, Silver." He said as he tipped up my chin, I'd left it uncovered so that he wouldn't get angry and give me another.

"I'm putting the chastity belt back on."

"So, what, it's not like I don't have a copy of the key."

"Please make this the end of things, I'm begging you."

"Since when do you beg while on your feet?"

I dropped to my knees then, and he smiled down at me.

"Please?"

He cupped my face, and I bit my lip because I knew what came next. He slapped my face, and then gripped my hair, tipping my head back before bending over so we were face-to-face.

"I got an opportunity to work at the Cleveland Clinic on a six-month trial starting in January, I got word today. So, my little slut gets her wish. After tonight, you'll get to go back to being a good little wife until I come back in June, but for that to happen, I want all of you."

"I have to be at the hospital in 30 minutes."

"You're pushing it, Silver."

"Go easy on me tonight, and I'll keep our normal times until you leave…please?"

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Deal. Since you're already on your knees, we'll make this quick."

I smiled at him, happy that I wouldn't have to do more than necessary.

He was done with me in five minutes and decided that it wasn't enough.

So, we showered together, and he fucked me before washing me clean.

He got a sick pleasure out of slipping that chastity belt on me, and I felt guilty knowing it meant nothing since he had a key, but I was desperate to earn San's trust back.

I'd made sure to use my own soap, and shampoo so that there was no trace of him.

We'd been doing this so long, that I had my own things in the back office, just to cover my ass.

By the time I was finished, I'd covered any bruise that was visible, before slipping on my jacket.

He was at the front desk working, so I nodded at him before leaving the office.

I stopped short when I saw Antonio standing in the parking lot next to my car.

"Pop!"

He looked me over and then put a hand out for my bag. "I took a cab here, I didn't like you traveling alone at night, feeling sore."

"Thanks, Pop."

I was thankfully sober as a nun, deciding to forego the pills that would have numbed away all my pain.

"Mind if I drive?"

I handed over the keys without argument.

Antonio wasn't someone I preferred to argue with.

How long had he been waiting for me?

Had he seen me?

Once again, my anxiety was mounting, and it was my own damn fault.

I'm not sure what I expected from Antonio, probably because my father spoke with his fists first, so I expected nothing less than violence.

Just like his daughter, Antonio surprised me. "Are you trapped in a situation that you can't get out of?"

I was stunned. "Excuse me?"

"Brittany told me about the circumstances that led to you having an affair in L.A., and for a while, I saw your effort to put my daughter first. According to Beth and Santana, you changed when you started residency."

"It's stressful."

"You have my confidence, Quinn. If someone is forcing you to do things, that you don't want, and is making you feel like you don't have a choice, I need you to tell me."

"Why? What are you going to do?"

"I'll do what's necessary to protect my family, which includes you, it always has. When Brittany hurt you, and you came to me, I did what needed to be done. Did I not?"

"You did."

And then the puzzle pieces fell together, the sudden opportunity to work at the Cleveland Clinic in Ohio.

Antonio already knew.

Fuck.

I had no choice but to tell the truth.

"Ish knew that I wanted to work at CHOP, so while I was in Lima interning for you, he was here establishing his business and making connections. I didn't know he was here, Pop, I swear to you, I would have stayed in Lima if I knew."

"Are you addicted again?"

"No, not as bad. The surgeries were successful, I don't feel pain like I used to."

"What does he have on you?"

"I don't want to incriminate you, it's nothing to do with work or my safety, if I get caught, I could go to jail, and he's the only one that can make that happen. So, three days a week, I show up and give him what he wants to keep him from ruining my life."

"And today that backfired?"

"Yes, because he got greedy. I don't normally mess around during the workday, but he showed up and rather than fight him over boundaries, I gave in at the absolute worst moment. This wasn't supposed to get so fucked up."

"I was able to get him that opportunity in Cleveland, it's not connected to me. I can try to get it extended for longer, but I need you to fix whatever this is he has on you, and you need to be a saint at home."

"Thank you, Pop."

"For now, this stays between us, but you need to put an end to this infidelity immediately."

I was already being honest, why not go for broke.

"I…I told him that I'd keep our schedule until he leaves."

"Why?"

"So, he wouldn't go overboard tonight. He wants Santana to know. He wants me to leave her for him."

"You made a deal with the devil."

"I did."

"We will figure out a way to get you out of that. After today, you have a choice to make, Quinn. You can't keep ending up in this situation. I will do what I can to help you, but I will not do it at the expense of my family."

"Thank you!"

"Thank me by fixing your mess."

"Yes, sir."

Actions.

That's all the Lopez family wanted, because they weren't Fabrays who were all about appearances.

I was still learning how to be someone worthy of my wife, and so far, I was failing spectacularly.