The Rust Bucket was rolling down the stretch of road somewhere in Wyoming. Don't ask where in Wyoming, because nobody knows where anything is in the state – not even the people who lived there.
"Ah, it's nice being off the highway," said Max. "Don't you just loved the open road?"
Gwen, who had been sitting in the passenger's seat fiddling with the radio, grumbled, "Not when you can't get a radio signal. Trixie, can't you do something to fix this?"
The green-haired girl, who had been sitting at the table with her notes, poked her head over the laptop and answered, "I might be able to write code for the most complex DNA altering device in the universe, but I'm not a miracle worker."
"Well, then, how 'bout a sing-along?" said Max cheerfully.
"NO!" Trixie and Gwen snapped immediately.
"Okay, okay, yeesh," said Max, slouching in his seat slightly. "No need to gang up on an old man like that…."
The bathroom door opened, and Ben poked his head out.
"Hey, grandpa, the toilet won't flush again!" Ben complained.
Max shook his head good-naturedly and pressed a button on the dashboard. At the same time, Trixie rose from the table and walked over to the wall of radio receiver, fiddling with dials and pushing buttons seemingly at random. Max then pushed the Rust Bucket's horn, which somehow caused the RV to rise up.
"Hydraulics' on!" Max announced.
"You're clear to flush," Trixie told Ben. "And hopefully fast."
Ben disappeared back inside the bathroom. A few seconds later, everyone heard the uncomfortable swishing of the toilet finally flushing. Ben came out eventually, thankfully washing his hands first, and sat across from Trixie on the table.
"This this can drive three-hundred miles an hour," Ben complained, "ram into armored limos, and fire ballistic missiles, but it takes three people to flush a toilet? How does that even make sense?"
"Especially when you consider all the upgrades Trixie made in the last three months," Gwen remarked.
"I told you, I can't work miracles," said Trixie.
"Hey, our old gal's got character," said Max brightly.
The children looks at him with disbelief, but perked up when they heard a loud horn coming up behind them. It wasn't just any horn – it played the music to La Cucaracha like something out of a cartoon. The Tennysons tilted their head and stared out the window as a hideous retro van swerved past them, tearing up the road like a bat out of hell. It was painted purple with flames decals and a tear-drop shaped window.
"Wow, we actually found a van even uglier than the Rust Bucket," Gwen commented.
"Hey," Max protested.
"They're driving pretty fast," Ben noticed.
"Almost like they're running from something," Trixie added.
Max found that suspicious as well, so he glanced at the side mirror. And there they were – three vehicle speeding towards them from behind: a muscle car, a tow truck, and – what appeared to be – a monster trunk with flame decals. Max pressed a button on the console that activated a secret zoom function on the side mirror (a handy little trick for spying on stalkers) and got a peek at the monster truck's driver. Unfortunately, they were wearing a helmet that covered their face, so it was impossible to identify them.
"Heads up, we got company!" Max warned his family.
The Tennysons had no time to brace themselves before the monster truck rammed them from behind, causing the Rust Bucket to swerve dangerously as they headed towards a sharp turn.
"We're gonna go flying off!" Ben shouted.
"Everybody grab onto something!" shouted Max.
Gwen and Trixie threw themselves onto the table (Trixie covering her laptop with her body) and gripped the edges while Ben held a vice-like grip on the couch. Max slammed the brakes as they approached the guardrail and turned the steering wheel as far as it could go. The Rust Bucket's tired screeched as it turned, the backside of the RV smashing through the strangely weak railing. One of the tires dropped off over the edge, but Max quickly slammed the accelerator and managed to pull them back on the road.
Max exhaled a relieved sigh and called back, "Is everyone all right?"
"We're not dead, if that's what you mean," said Trixie.
"What's up with those drivers?" questioned Gwen, looking forward as the three vehicles completely ignored them and continued chasing after the retro van. "They almost killed us! And why are they chasing that hunk of junk?"
Meanwhile, inside said hunk of junk were a pair of boys who were definitely not old enough to be driving, and yet somehow managed not to crash despite the constant swerving.
In the driver's seat was the shortest of the trio – so short, he had to sit on a stack of phone books – in yellow with three long hairs sticking up from his square head. Sitting in the passenger's seat beside him, biting his nails into stubs, was gap-toothed boy in orange most notable for his black ski hat.
The hat-wearing child let out an anguished cry as the short driver skidded around another corner, scrapping the side of the retro van against the guard railing (which somehow didn't break this time.)
"Shut up, Double D!" the short driver snapped. "Can't you see I'm driving here?"
"Why are we even driving at all, Eddy?" Edd cried. "We're only twelve-years-old – we don't even have licenses!"
"Because that's what the author wrote, duh!" Eddy yelled back.
"Oh, how could this have happened?" Edd moaned. "Blissfully retired for fifteen years. We had it all – respect from our peers, friendship with Cul-de-sac Kids, and cemented our legacy in cartoon history. We were supposed to be going to Kevin's jawbreaker party today, but then you" – he pointed an accusing finger at Eddy – "just had to be in a crossover! You couldn't just leave well enough alone!"
"It was a crossover with Ben 10 – the good one, not the cruddy reboot," said Eddy. "How could we pass that up?"
"Easily – very easily!" Edd retorted. "Now we've been magically teleported to the middle of nowhere, in a van that shouldn't even be operational, being chased by road hooligans! And where in the name of all that is holy is Ed?"
As if being summoned, a boy taller than his friends appeared from the back of the van, his distinct features consisting of a buzzcut, a unibrow, and a filthy stained green coat. For some odd reason, he was wearing an apron that said "Kiss the Chicken," holding a spatula in one hand and a tray full of muffins covered in gravy in the other.
"Soup's done!" Ed shouted dimwitted. "Get it while it's hot!"
"Augh, gross!" Eddy gagged at the culinary abomination.
"Ed, where did you even – no, nope, never mind," Edd relented quickly. "Not even going to try to make sense of this."
Suddenly, the van was rammed from behind, making the Eds cry out in shock while the tray of gravy muffins was thrown against the windshield, splattering all over the glass. Eddy glanced nervously in the side mirror; the three road ragers had caught up to them.
"They're trying to run them off the road!" Gwen shouted and pointed at the three vehicles slamming into the retro van from all sides.
"Not on my watch," said Ben, scowling seriously. He activated the Omnitrix and turned the dial until he found the silhouette he needed. "Time to go fast – Fasttrack, that is!"
Ben slammed the faceplate down and exploded in a burst of green light. But when the flash faded, instead of a heroic black–and-blue speedster, he got –
"Aw man…," Gutrot groaned.
"Good idea!" Gwen said sarcastically. "We stink them out!"
"I thought you fixed this!" Gutrot complained tor Trixie.
"It's a work in progress!" Trixie shouted defensively.
"Don't worry, we're getting those road pirates," said Max confidently.
He pressed a button on the console, activating the Rust Bucket's nitro boost as they took a sharp turn around the corner.
Back inside the Retro Van, Eddy stuck his head out the window (very dangerous kids; do not imitate!) and looked back. The three trucks and their drivers – all of whom were wearing helmets of red, blue, and yellow respectively – were coming up behind them. Suddenly, the monster trucks bounced up and flew over the Retro Van, landing directly in front of the Eds.
"Eddy, do something!" Edd cried.
"What the heck am I supposed to do?" Eddy squealed in a panick. "You come up with something, sockhead!"
"Who wants seconds?" asked Ed as he popped up from the back again, this time holding a gravy boat with a slice of buttered toast in it.
"Where are you even getting that from?" questioned Edd, looking at the back of the Retro Van. "There's nothing there!"
The monster truck in front of them hit the breaks and backed into the Retro Van, jostling the passengers and causing Ed to drop the gravy boat on Edd's shirt (who immediately pulled out a bar of soap and started scrubbing himself.) Eddy tried to slow down, but the other two road pirates were closing in behind them. The Eds were about to be boxed in when the Rust Bucket suddenly swerved through and came up besides the monster truck. The red helmeted driver turned their head and met Max's eye.
"Leave those boys alone!" Max demanded.
He turned the wheel sharply and rammed into the monster truck from the side. The truck swerved off the road, spinning around once before readjusting. The driver slammed their fist on the wheel in frustration and drove back onto the road after them.
Max allowed the Eds to drive past them, then moved to block off the other two road pirates. The muscle car and the tow truck slammed into both sides of the RV just as the monster truck came back and swerved to the front, blocking off the Tennysons. As the muscle car and the tow truck slammed into the Rust Bucket again, Gutrot opened the window and stuck his upperbody out.
"I may not be fast," said Gutrot, holding out his palm to the tow truck. "But with a little chlorine gas, neither will you."
The walking chemical lab sprayed a thick cloud of yellowish-green gas from the nozzle on his palm at the road, covering the lower half of the tow truck. After a few seconds of exposure, the rubber on the truck tires rapidly degraded, becoming brittle and cracking like glass. One by one, the tires were blow to pieces and the tow truck swerved off the road, hitting a large rock that cause it to flip over and land on its roof. As the Rust Bucket drove away, Gutrot saw the yellow helmeted driver crawl out and kick their truck in frustration (then hopped up and down holding their broken foot.)
On the opposite side, the muscle car grinded up against the side of the Rust Bucket, trying to force the Tennysons off the road. The window opened up and Trixie stuck her head out, her black-and-green hair flying in the wind.
"Accessing Transylian sequence!" she announced.
A pair of electrified towers sprouted from her back along with a pair of nodes on her shoulders, stitches and discolored patches of skin on her arms, and a white streaks replacing the green in her hair. Transylian Trixie held out her right hand as the towers on her back charged up, coursing electricity through her arm before they flew out of her fingertips. Her lightning hit the muscle car, which traveled to the vehicle's engine and caused it to explode. The hood blew off the and the entire engine block was covered in flames. The blue helmeted drive immediately pulled off the road and sprinted away from the car before it exploded in a fiery blaze.
Two down, one to go.
The monster truck break checked again, but this time Max had the room the swerve out of the way. The retired Plumber attempted to ram them, but the monster truck quickly sped up out of the way. As they did so, Gwen held her palms horizontally against herself, one over the other, and began to chant:
"Venetis Icatis Ixenis!"
She turned her palms forward and expelled a pulse of magical energy towards the road. Suddenly and without warning, a giant tornado formed on in the middle of the desert and moved impossibly swift towards the road. The red helmeted driver barely looked to the side in time to see it coming before the tornado swept through and picked them up off the road. The monster truck was sent flying through the air and crashed hood first into the sand, burying half the vehicle. The red helmeted driver managed to pull themselves out through the back window, miraculously unharmed. The watched mutely as the Retro Van and the Rust Bucket made their escape, clenching their fist in anger.
"Great job, kids," Max complimented his grandchildren (Trixie included). "That was some fine teamwork."
"Why do you think they were after that out-of-date hippie van?" asked Trixie.
"We can ask them ourselves," said Gwen, pointing ahead. The Retro Van had pulled off to the side of the road and came to a stop. "Looks like they're pulling over."
"Let's make sure everyone is all right," said Max as he also pulled the Rust Bucket over. He unbuckled his seatbelt and made his way to the door with Trixie and Gwen. "Ben, you wait here until the watch times out."
"Fine with me," said Gutrot, shrugging nonchalantly.
Max and the girls stepped off the Rust Bucket just as the Eds were getting out of the Retro Van. The Tennysons walked over to check on them when Eddy literally threw himself at Max's feet, hugging the retired Plumber's ankles, and crying, "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"
"Um, it was no trouble, son," said Max uncomfortably.
"Eddy, please let go of the nice man's legs," said Edd, gently prying the group's scammer from Max. "You'll have to excuse Eddy. He gets very emotional after escaping certain death."
"Do you know who those…road pirates were?" questioned Trixie. "Why were they after you?"
Edd opened his mouth when Ed suddenly rammed him from the side, knocking the sockhead flat on the road, seeing stars. Ed pulled up his shirt and showed his belly button. He stuck a hand inside, which went impossibly deep, and Gwen covered her mouth, fighting the urge to vomit. When he pulled his hand out, he was holding a tattered comic book covered in lint and chewing gum (Gwen quickly ran back into the Rust Bucket and to the bathroom.)
"They were brain-sucking mutant alien cyborgs from Planet X!" Ed announced dramatically. "Comes to suck out our brains for their cosmic protein shakes!"
"Guess you're safe, lumpy!" Eddy insulted, giving him an unimpressed stare.
"Funny enough, there are some aliens who would do that," Trixie muttered sideways to Max.
"Thank you for your…interesting hypothesis, Ed," said Edd, picking himself up dizzily. "The truth is, we have no idea who they are or what they wanted with us. We were just driving along, minding our own business, when they showed up and attacked us out of nowhere!"
"We should totally sue their butts!" declared Eddy.
"Wait, how can you be driving when you're barely older than Benjamin and Gwendolyn?" asked Trixie suspiciously
"Well, the important thing is that you kids are safe," said Max, totally blowing off Trixie very important question. "I'm Max, and this is my granddaughter, Trixie. And the one who ran to the bathroom was my other granddaughter, Gwen. And my grandson, Ben, is inside as well. You'll probably meet him soon enough.
"Salutations, Max," Edd greeted politely. "I'm Eddward – with two Ds. But everyone just calls me Double D."
"The names Eddy," said Eddy with a wink and a finger gun.
"And I'm Ed!" Ed announced loudly.
"Wait, you're names are…Ed, Edd, and Eddy?" Trixie questioned strangely.
"Yup!" Eddy answered proudly. "Best Cartoon Network show ever from 1999 to 2009! Ten years, baby!"
"Cartoon Network? Show?" Trixie repeated weirdly, and seemed to be the only one as Max didn't bat an eye. "What does that even – "
"Never you mind that," said Edd quickly, chuckling nervously. He then whispered sideways to Eddy. "Eddy, this Trixie person is an original character that represents the author's real world commentary! She's not affected by cartoon logic like the rest of them, so keep the fourth wall breaking to a minimum!"
"All right, fine, geez," Eddy groaned, rolling his eyes.
"Uh, grandpa!" the crew turned around as Ben – in human form – stuck his head out the window, which was when everyone noticed that the Rust Bucket's grill was smoking. "I think the RV is busted! More than usual!"
"Must've gotten damaged in the middle of the fight," said Trixie.
"We'll need to find some place to do repairs," said Max, grimacing.
"Let us help," Edd offered. "We could use our van to tow the Rust Bucket to the nearest station."
"How did you know it was called – " Trixie started, but was interrupted by Max.
"That would be swell," said the retired Plumber. "The map shows that there's a restaurant and a gas station a few miles down the road. We'll tow the RV in for servicing and we can get a meal – my treat."
"Sweet!" Eddy cheered.
"Why, thank you!" said Edd gratefully.
"Yum, yum in Ed's tum-tum!" Ed howled loudly.
Trixie stared at the three Eds for a good minute, narrowing her eyes suspiciously while Max walked back inside the RV.
As they promised, the Eds were able to hook the Rust Bucket to the back of their Retro Van and dragged the Tennysons down the road for roughly nine miles before they made to a servicing station next to a restaurant called Plank's Diner (where the mascot was a literal plank of wood with a smiley face.)
After parking the Retro Van and Rust Bucket on the side, the Eds and the Tennysons moved to the restaurant. The place was practically empty, so they took a seat as a couple of tables and pushed them together. They were soon waited on by a traffic cone with a smiley face wearing a nametag that said "Hi, my name is Bob." Everyone placed their order like nothing was out of the ordinary, except for Trixie, who was slack jawed by the fact that no one saw anything wrong with this scenario.
"And that should about do it," said Max, handing the menu back to Bob the Traffic Cone. "Thank you, my good man."
"Can't believe Plank actually went through with his restaurant-in-the-middle-of-nowhere idea," Eddy commented as the traffic cone mysteriously disappeared out of frame.
"He's been a changed block of wood since the divorce," said Edd solemnly.
"Is no one going to bring up the fact that the employees are inanimate objects?" said Trixie, stunned by everyone lack of response. "No one? Just me?"
"I was looking up online about anything that might have to do with our mystery road pirates," said Gwen, completely ignoring the green-haired girl.
"You think it might be Rojo and her crew again?" asked Ben as Bob the Traffic Cone came back within of ordering, their food magically materializing in front of them. Again, Trixie was the only one baffled. "The red, blue, and yellow helmets seem like a dead giveaway."
"I thought so, too," said Gwen, "but we just kicked their butts the other day, so they should still be locked up. Plus, they didn't have any of their usual symbiote powers. However, I looked up online and found out that there's this group calling themselves the Road Crew."
"The Road Crew?" asked Max curiously.
"A band of highway robbers who've been terrorizing these roads for decades," said Gwen, pulling up her smartphone and showing old clippings on the streets. "Baron Highway, Turbine, and Road Rage – three criminals who prowl the desert road and steal vehicles, then dismantle them and sell the parts on the black market, leaving their victims to live in a settlement in the desert."
"Good lord, how terrible," Edd quivered.
"Sounds like a sweet scam," said Eddy. "Why didn't I think of that?"
"Eddy, it's immoral and criminal!" Edd chastised him.
"So's the president, but he still got voted in," Eddy retorted.
Edd opened his mouth…but had nothing to respond.
"Those pictures look very different from the people we saw out on the road earlier," Trixie noted, taking notice that the 'Road Crew' consisted of a beefy redneck, a female mechanic, and a toothless vagrant. The complete opposite of the three fit and nearly identical bandits.
"Turns out the Road Crew picked a fight with the wrong customers a while back," Gwen explained. "They were found completely pulverized in the middle of the road on November 8, 2009."
"Why do I get the feeling that date is a reference to something we did?" Eddy said to Edd.
"The author wouldn't have incorporated it if it wasn't," said Edd.
"I forgot to wear underwear, fellas!" Ed said randomly; everyone scooted their seats a couple inches away.
"This new Road Crew sound like bad news," said Max with a hint of anxiety in his tone, sliding out of his chair. "I'm gonna head over to the station next door and look into getting some parts and oil to repair the Rust Bucket. The sooner we get out of here, the better."
"I'll come along as well," said Trixie, after finishing her meal (which was surprisingly excellent.) "I designed some of the newer parts for the RV. They need very specific care."
"May I offer my assistance?" Edd offered. "I'm a bit of a whiz when it comes to building things. I've constructed a lot of functional vehicles and devices over the course of our many misadventures."
"Sure, that would be swell," said Max gratefully, looking at the rest of the table. "Anyone else want to help out?"
"No way!" said Eddy, stuffing his face with turkey leg while looking over the menu. "I'm not passing up a chance for free food! Look, they even have an ice cream bar!"
"Seriously! Awesome! Count me in!" Ben cheered.
"Tutti Fruiti!" exclaimed Ed.
The Red Helmet bandit peered through their binoculars, even though they were still wearing their headgear. From their view on the dune overlooking the gas station, they could see Trixie and Edd tinkering under the hood of the Rust Bucket; Max's legs could be seen sticking out from underneath. They lowered their binoculars as their partners stood close behind them.
"Aw, we're wasting time!" Yellow Helmet complained. "I'm itchin' to do this!"
"Maybe that's because you haven't washed in weeks," Blue Helmet insulted. "You smell like something died in a carbonator."
"Can it, you two," said Red Helmet impatiently. "I found one of them – it's the one with the hat."
"What about the big one and the short one?" asked Yellow Helmet.
"Probably still inside," said Red Helmet.
"Fine with me," said Blue Helmet, cracking their knuckles. "Sockhead's the only one I really wanna get my hands on."
"But what do we do when we nab 'em?" asked Yellow Helmet. "All our rides got messed up because of those freaks."
"Then we'll have to get us some new wheels," said Red Helmet.
"Phew, I'm parched," said Edd, coming up from the hood and wiping the sweat from his brow. "Did you mind if I have a glass of water?"
"Help yourself," said Max from underneath. "The glasses are in the top cupboard."
Edd walked inside the Rust Bucket and found a glass where Max said it would be. As the brainy Ed moved to the refrigerator, Trixie and Max suddenly had mutual realization.
"DON'T USE THE ICE MAKER!" They shouted together, but it was too late.
Edd opened the freezer when the appliance rattled ominously and suddenly blasted the sockhead with a cluster of ice cubes, knocking Edd out of the Rust Bucket. At the same time, the windshield wipers started swinging and fluid shot out of the front, dowsing Trixie.
"There's no way these chemicals is safe!" Trixie screamed.
Trixie moved out of the way of the spray, brushing her matted hair away from her face with a grimace. She walked around to the side where she found Eddo on the ground, half-buried in ice, mutter, "Cold, cold, cold, cold…." Trixie shook her head…when she realized a large shadow fell over her. She turned around and, for a brief second, saw Yellow Helmet before she was beaten over the head with a rusted metal pipe.
Edd gasped as Trixie collapsed on the pavement. Yellow Helmet tapped the pipe in their hand as they approached Edd ominously. The sockhead backed away until his back touched a pair of legs and looked up. Red Helmet stared down at him menacingly before reaching down and lifting the skinny Ed over their shoulder like he weighted as much as a loaf of bread.
"SOMEONE HELP ME!" Edd cried.
Startled by the noise, Ben, Gwen, and the remaining two Eds came out of the restaurant, their faces smeared in varying shades of ice cream.
"What's going on out here?" questioned Ben.
"I don't know, but they need to keep it down!" said Eddy irritably. "You mean, you lousy punk? I'm trying to – " The loudmouthed Ed stopped himself when he noticed Edd was being carried inside the Rust Bucket by Red Helmet and Yellow Helmet. "It's the road pirates!"
"They've got Double D!" Ed gasped.
"Grandpa!" Gwen shouted.
With so much noise going on around him, it was impossible for Max not to think something was wrong. He rolled out from under the Rust Bucket when he realized that Blue Helmet was standing over him with a wrench raised over their head. Max quickly rolled out of the way as they brought the wrench down. He picked up him own wrench off the ground and held it up defensively as Blue Helmet came back swinging.
Max ducked and blocked the swings, letting Blue Helmet wear themselves out before sidestepping their next attack and moving behind the road pirate. Before Blue Helmet realized what happened, Max smacked his wrench across their headgear, sending them rolling across the pavement. As Blue Helmet picked themselves up, they noticed that their visor had been broken, revealing a single dark eye and a few wisps of blue hair. Blue Helmet glared through the broken visor and charged at Max again –
While Yellow Helmet tied up Edd in the back of the RV, Red Helmet went up to the driver's seat. In a bit of shortsightedness, Max had left the keys in the ignition. So after Red Helmet buckled up (even bandits practice road safety!), they started the Rust Bucket. Max was distracted by the sound of the Rust Bucket's engines running that he looked away, leaving him wide open for Blue Helmet to hit him over the head. Blue Helmet raised their wrench to deliver the final blow –
"Forget the old man!" shouted Red Helmet, poking their head out the window. "Get in! We got company!"
Red Helmet pointed sideways. The Tennyson kids and the other Eds were headed their way, and Trixie was picking herself up. Not liking their odds, Blue Helmet dropped the wrench and jumped into the Rust Bucket. Once the door slammed shut, Red Helmet slammed on the accelerator and skidded out of the station.
"What happened?" Gwen asked Trixie, helping the poor girl to her feet.
"Those road pirates again," Trixie groaned, shaking her head. "They…They got Double D."
"What?" Eddy squealed.
"No, not Double D!" Ed cried dramatically, literal waterfall shooting out of his eyes and soaking Trixie worse than before.
"Quick, turn into one of your alien hero things!" Eddy yelled at Ben, shaking the young boy by the shoulder.
"How do you know about – " Trixie started to question, but was cut off.
"Never mind that!" yelled Eddy. "Ya gotta save sockhead! You just gotta!"
"All right," said Ben, nodding determinedly. He pushed Eddy off and activated the Omnitrix. "It's hero time!"
After cycling through the choices, Ben slammed down on the faceplate, then exploded in a burst of green light to become Upchuck.
"Let's eat!" said Upchuck.
The Gourmand hero shot out his multiple tongues, sticking to a shelf full of oil cans and dragging them into his mouth. He broke down the physical material with his teeth and dropped them into his stomach, which displayed a glowing green sphere indicating that the stomach projectile was ready. Upchuck spat out several globs of explosive alien loogies, aiming for the Rust Bucket's tires. Red Helmet saw them coming and slammed down on the break, sliding the Rust Bucket around to dodge the explosives.
"What the heck is that thing?" shouted Blue Helmet, who saw Upchuck through the window.
"It's about to be roadkill," said Yellow Helmet, giggling with a snort while holding up a length of chain. "Drive up beside it!"
Red Helmet turned the Rust Bucket back towards the heroes. Upchuck, the Tennysons, and the Eds jumped out of the way as the RV flew between them when Yellow Helmet kicked the door open. The swing the chain and tossed it at Upchuck, wrapping around the Gourmand with unbelievable accuracy. Upchuck let out a surprised squeak as he was pulled behind the RV, bouncing up and down on the pavement like a basketball as he was unceremoniously dragged in circles around the station.
As the Rust Bucket made a final turn, Yellow Helmet let go of the chain and let the Gourmand fly through the air into the restaurant. Upchuck smashed through the window, knocking over several inanimate employees, upending tables, and crashing into the buffet. The Gourmand groaned in a momentary daze…until he realized where he was with limitless supply of food around him.
"An Upchuck dream come true!" Upchuck celebrated, snatching up four slices of pizza with his tongue. But as he chewed, he suddenly felt a wave of nausea and spat them back out. "Aw, great! I'm a bottomless pit and I can't digest the good stuff!"
Irritated by this revelation, Upchuck hopped back outside ready to give the road bandits a good thrashing…. Only he ended up being plowed by the Rust Bucket when he least expected it and was sent flying through the wall to the back of the restaurant. The Gourmand moaned weakly after landing on the manager (which was a hunk of wood with a smiley face) when the Omnitrix beeped and turned Ben back to human in a flash of red light.
"Ben, are you all right?" Gwen asked with concern as she poked her head through the hole.
"Been better," said Ben, rubbing the sore spot on his head. "What happened to the Rust Bucket?"
They heard the familiar screeching of the Rust Bucket's tires and turned their heads in time to see their RV peeling out of the station and down the road. Max futilely tried run after them, which obviously got nowhere.
"Come back, come back!" Max cried, going a few more paces before running out of breath. "Phew, I need to do more cardio."
"Now what're we going to do?" said Trixie, frowning. "We can't just stand here; we need to get the Rust Bucket back."
"Why?" said Ben, shrugging. "With the insurance money grandpa'll get, we can buy something brand new. Maybe something a little less broken down – WHOA!"
Trixie grabbed him by the collar, seething.
"Do you realize how many hours I put into modifying that vehicle?" Trixie hissed.
"Plus, they kidnapped Double D!" Gwen reminded him. "We can't just leave him!"
"And the Rust Bucket is irreplaceable," Max scolded his grandson. "It's like family."
"WE'RE GETTING IT BACK!" The trio yelled at Ben all at once.
"Okay, okay, geez!" said Ben, pulling his shirt out of Trixie's grip and holding his hands defensively. "Fine, we'll get the Rust Bucket back. "But how're we gonna do that? The watch is timed out and Trixie might have a concussion – "
"No, I definitely do," Trixie winced, tenderly touching the place where she was hit.
"How're we gonna chase them down without any wheels?" Ben continued.
The familiar honk of the La Cucaracha horn resounded with almost comedic timing. The Tennysons turned around as the Retro Van screeched to a stop next to them and Eddy (manually) rolled down the drive's window with Ed waving dimly in the passenger's seat.
"What're you waiting for, an invitation?" Eddy yelled at them. "Hurry up so we can save Double D!"
"I got snacks!" Ed announced, pulling out a lint-covered lollipop from his belly button.
"Ugh, I think I'll sit this one out," Gwen groaned, trying to slip away.
"No wussing out," said Ben, grabbing his cousin's wrist and following their grandpa to the back.
Max threw open the back down and quickly crawled inside. Ben and Gwen paused at the threshold and took in the interior. Eye-gouging orange shag carpeting, double speakers (with no wires) on the wall, peeling posters from the 1970s, torn upholstery on the seats, and a waterbed of all things taking up most of the back.
"Ugh, where did you find this heap?" said Gwen in disgust. "A junkyard?"
"Yes!" said Ed.
"That explains it," said Gwen, deadpanned.
"Man, didn't think we'd see anything worse than the Rust Bucket," Ben shared the sentiment.
"We can discuss interior design later!" said Trixie impatiently as she shoved Ben and Gwen inside, then slammed the doors behind her. "Go, go, go!"
Eddy floored the acceleration and zoomed out of the station –
"Unhand me, you…you…rapscallions!" Edd yelled, wiggling like a worm while Blue Helmet tightened the rope around him. "You just wait until Antonucchi hears about this! He'll – he'll sue you for damaging his favorite character!"
"Isn't Rolf his favorite character?" inquired Blue Helmet.
"…Well, yes, that's true, but…," Edd mumbled, until his eye went wide in startled realization. "Wait, how did you – "
"You just sit still and keep quiet, handsome," said Blue Helmet, giving the rope a final tug, which squeezed Edd so hard he squeaked like a chew toy. "I've got plans for you later."
Edd trembled at the unspoken implication. A familiarly uncomfortable feeling welled up in his gut; one he hadn't felt in fifteen years.
Blue Helmet left him alone in the back of the RV and moved to the front, where they overheard Yellow Helmet complaining to Red Helmet.
"It's not fair that they got their man, but I couldn't get Ed!" Yellow Helmet whined.
"Shut your yap, fat head," said Blue Helmet, whacking Yellow Helmet over the head so hard, it make their helmet spin around. "we were lucky enough to get one Ed with that alien twerp around. We did the right thing cutting our losses. Plus, we got this sweet ride."
"You're only saying that because you got your Ed!" Yellow Helmet snapped.
"Yeah, so what?" said Blue Helmet, shaking their fist. "Wanna make something of it?"
"Can it you two!" Red Helmet yelled. "Looks like we'll get a chance to grab the others after all. We got some tailgaters."
Red Helmet tilted their head at the side mirror where they saw the Retro Van quickly catching up to them.
"There it is!" said Trixie, pointing over Eddy's shoulder.
"Oh good, they haven't damaged it," said Max, exhaling a relieved sigh.
"How can you tell?" asked Ben sarcastically.
"Drive up beside it and we'll jump aboard!" shouted Trixie.
"I'm right here, you don't have to yell," Eddy grumbled, nevertheless shifting gears.
The Retro Van was closing in on the Rust Bucket. But as they approached it from behind, the Rust Bucket's exhaust pipes screeched and rattled before it expelled a huge superheated plume of flames. The Eds and the Tennysons screamed as fire covered the windshield, and Eddy started spinning the steering wheel in a panic, causing them to twirl out of control.
"It's attacking!" Ed screamed.
"I know you don't mean it, girl!" cried Max.
"Is he talking to his RV?" Eddy questioned in terror.
"He's very emotionally attached to that junk heap!" shouted Gwen.
"Hey, she's not a – "Max started until Eddy hit the breaks, causing everyone to fly forward. The short Ed didn't give them a chance to recover before he switched gears again and sped after the Rust Bucket.
The Retro Van started to catch up to the RV again when the road bandits somehow figured out how to use the Rust Bucket's rear laser turret (and Gwen openly wondered why Trixie would install a laser turret.) Eddy squealed at the same time as the Retro Van's tires as he twisted the steering wheel to dodge the lasers. As he did so, the Tennysons were thrown back and forth against the Retro Van's walls due to the unsteady nature of the waterbed they were kneeling on. After one particularly sharp turn, Ben was slammed face first into the side with his grandfather landing on top of him. He groaned in complaint until he heard an affirmative chime from his right wrist and looked down to see that the Omnitrix had finished its recharge period.
"Finally!" shouted Ben. He unapologetically pushed off his grandfather and made his way to the back, throwing the doors wide open. "Time for me to hitch a ride!"
He cycled through the selection, then slammed down the faceplate and exploded in a burst of green light.
"Or become it!" Buzzshock giggled insanely.
The living bundle of energy jumped out of the Retro Van and hit the road head first, only to break down into a single bolt of electricity. The bolt hopped its way along the road, passing the Retro Van, which Eddy notice.
"Hey, you're not gonna get all the cool parts in this crossover!" Eddy complained, then looked back at Max. "Hey, grandpa, take the wheel!"
"Um, sure," Max agreed with uncertainty.
Buzzshock was able to make it to the Rust Bucket, where he entered the RV's mechanical system through the laser turret (which burst on his command. That should give the others a chance to catch up.) The Nosedeenian traveled through the Rust Bucket's wiring, passing the bedroom (where he noticed Edd was tired up in the corner), and surged his way to the front. Buzzshock reached the overhead light, which Yellow Helmet noticed was flickering for a moment, before the electrical hero burst out and tackled the bandit.
Buzzshock pulled Yellow Helmet out of their seat, catching Red Helmet by surprise and causing them to swerve briefly. The alien hero slammed them into the bandit into the floor and punched their helmet two times, breaking the visor to reveal a dark eye and a tuft of blonde hair. He tried to go for a third punch when Blue Helmet ran up behind him and swung their wrench at Buzzshock. The Nosedeenian was sent flying to the back of the RV, but he caught himself midair and landed on his stubby feet.
"Oh, Ben, thank goodness!" Edd laughed in relief when he saw the alien hero. "You've come to rescue me!"
"Duh! That's what a hero does!" said Buzzshock proudly, preferring not to mention the part where he almost left Double D behind.
"What is that thing even supposed to be, a walking battery?" said Blue Helmet.
"Whatever it is, take care of it, will ya?" shouted Red Helmet. "I'm trying to drive up here!"
"Ooh, lets squish it and see if it spits out candy!" shouted Yellow Helmet excitedly as they picked up their chain weapon.
"Why would it spit out candy, you idiot?" Blue Helmet snapped, slapping their partnmer over the head again.
"You never know!" Yellow Helmet argued.
"Hah, I'd like to see you try!" Buzzshock challenged.
Just then, with horribly inconsistent timing, the Omnitrix buzzed and transformed Ben back to his natural form in a burst of red light. Ben looked down at himself, blinking.
"Aw, come on!" Ben complained. "It hasn't even been five minutes, you stupid watch!"
Blue Helmet and Yellow Helmet marched up to Ben, laughing maniacally, and Ben backed away apprehensively. The wielder of the Omnitrix looked around for something that could help him when the Rusty Bucket's door suddenly flew open and something crashed into the refrigerator. That something was a person – a person named Ed. It looked like someone had used him as a battering ram as his face made an impression on the RV door and the refrigerator. The tallest Ed sat up, smiling like nothing happened.
"Knock, knock, I am Ed!" Ed announced with a dimwitted laugh.
A moment later, Eddy hopped into the Rust Bucket. He landed on the edge of the staircase, nearly falling over and swinging his arms like windmills to save himself. He then struck a pose like something out of a kung fu movie with an over exaggerated "HI-YAH!" and "HOO-WA!" Ed picked himself up and mimicked his shorter pal.
"Hand over the sockhead and nobody gets hurt!" shouted Eddy.
"Eddy, you came for me!" said Edd, his lip quivering as he cried tears of joy.
"Of course we did," said Eddy. "You have the directions to Kevin's jawbreaker party."
"…Well, I suppose it's the thought that counts," Edd grumbled.
"All right, you lousy goons, put your hands up before I unleash my fists of fury!" said Eddy. Blue Helmet and Yellow Helmet looked at each other in bewilderment…then started laughing out loud. "What? What's so funny?"
"You're so adorable when you try to act tough!" Yellow Helmet guffawed.
"You haven't changed in fifteen years!" Blue Helmet giggled.
"Fifteen years?" Eddy repeated, confused. His confusion quickly gave way to annoyance. "Grr…enough of the mystery villain schtick! Show your ugly mugs already!"
The road bandits paused in eerie silence as all three of them exchanged looks. Then, Red Helmet reached up and pulled off their headgear…revealing a girl with curly orange hair that covered her eyes and a row of yellow (and one blue) teeth.
"Whatever you say, handsome," Lee Kanker giggled.
The Eds gasped in horror. Their terror doubled – then tripled – when Blue Helmet was revealed to be a girl with short blue hair covering one eye, and Yellow Helmet was a third girl with long blonde hair with buckteeth. The three girls giggled menacingly, which sent shivers up Ben's spine. But it was nothing compared to the Eds, who all huddled together (even the tied-up Edd) and shivered in fright.
"KANKERS!" The Eds wailed.
"Did they say 'Kankers?'" asked Gwen, sitting in the passenger's seat of the Retro Van as they drove beside the Rust Bucket.
"What's a Kanker?" asked Trixie curiously, now lying flat on the water bed.
"The worst feeling in my life," Max grimaced, massaging his chin subconsciously.
"What're you doing here?" Eddy screamed as the Eds (and Ben) slowly backed away.
"We got bored with your big brother," answered Marie Kanker with a wicked smile. "He was so boring. He didn't even put up much of a fight. The loser practically give up after the first hour."
"So we wanted to play with you Eds again!" said May Kanker happily. "But we couldn't find you!"
"We didn't know the cul-de-sac would be cut off after the movie ended," said Marie, frowning. "Turns out, once your show ends, you're stuck in whatever place you were in last. We were trapped in that amusement park for fifteen years!"
"Then the author came and bailed us out with this crossover episode," said Lee.
"Lousy author!" Eddy growled.
"We've been waiting fifteen years to see our boos again," said Lee, smiling evilly. "And we ain't letting you go again. "Get 'em, girls!"
"RUN AWAY!" The Eds squealed as the Marie and May lunged for them.
The Eds (dragging Ben along with them) dashed to the back of the Rust Bucket when Ed's foot accidentally kicked the refrigerator door open. Marie stepped back at the last second, but the door slammed into May face, leaving an impression in the metal right next to Ed's. The blonde Kanker wobbled on her feet, cross-eyed with little birdies over her head, before she fell backwards and lost consciousness. At the same time, the wiper fluid sprayed the Rust Bucket's windshields, blinding Lee's vision.
"I can't see!" yelled Lee, swerving the Rust Bucket erratically. "What the heck's going on back there?"
"That's it!" said Ben, suddenly having an epiphany. "Guys, flip every knob and button you can find – quick!"
The Eds didn't question Ben – they were so scared of the Kankers, they would jump off a bridge if you asked.
Ben ran towards Marie, who took a swing at him with her wrench, and slid between her legs to come up behind her. Marie turned around for another swing, but Ben pressed the button on the stereo system, which somehow cause the faucet to shoot a geyser of water in Marie's face. The blue-haired Kanker sputtered and dropped her wrench, backing away while shielding her face. As she did so, Ed flushed the toilet, which caused the CD player to shoot disks at the side of Marie's head. Eddy hit the snooze button on the alarm clock, which somehow caused the Rust Bucket to hit the breaks. Lee was safe because she was wearing her seatbelt, but Marie was launched forward and hit her head on the table, knocking her out cold. Lee growled and pressed down on the accelerator to get the Rust Bucket moving again, when Edd pressed a button on the TV remote (with his foot), which somehow made the driver's seat airbag to pop up in Lee's face.
"Man, this thing has a lot of problems," Eddy remarked.
"Yeah, but that's what's gonna save us," said Ben proudly.
"You lousy little…," Lee growled as she ripped the airbag apart with her bare teeth. She unbuckled herself and stomped towards the bad. "I had enough of you, little brat!"
"I know you are," Ben taunted, ducking out of Lee's reach and opening the freezer beside her. "But what am I?"
The ice maker rattled, catching Lee's attention before it blasted her out the door with a cluster of ice cubes. Lee snarled viciously as she picked herself up and glared at the Eds (and Ben) underneath her mess of curls. She cracked her knuckles with the promise of delivering the beating of a lifetime when she felt someone's hand touch her shoulder. Lee looked over and shoulder and gapped at Max, who turned Lee around and grabbed her by the front of her shirt.
"Nobody messes with my ride!" declared Max furiously.
"You wouldn't hit a girl now, would you?" said Lee, sweating nervously.
"I believe in gender equality," said Max, glaring.
His statement was punctured with a solid right hook to Lee's face, sending her flying and landing face down in the sand with a one hit KO.
"Nice hit!" Eddy complimented.
"Well done!" Edd praised.
"Happiness for Ed!" Ed cheered.
"You know, grandpa," said Ben, stepping out of the RV and facing his grandfather. "I take back what I said before. The Rust Bucket rocks."
"Told you," said Max, clapping his grandson's shoulder proudly.
It was a strange and wonderful feeling for the Eds as they watched the Kanker sisters be shoved in the back of a police car. To no one's surprise, the three of them started bickering about being in one another space and started kicking each other since their hands were cuffed behind their backs. The cops in charge pounded the window, demanding them to stop, but they wouldn't listen. Eventually, the police officer just gave up and drove away with the sisters screeching in the backseat like a pack of rabid dogs.
"Wow, I can't believe the Kankers are finally going to jail," said Eddy.
"And it only took twenty-five years," Edd commented.
"Thank you so much for your help out there, boys," Max said gratefully, shaking the Eds hands individually.
"It was a pleasure to help," said Edd. "You know, I think we all learned a valuable – "
"Will you hurry up, sockhead?" shouted Eddy impatiently. He and Ed were already in the Retro Van; their short leader was honking the horn incessantly. "I don't want to be late for Kevin's jawbreaker party!"
"I don't know why I even bother," said Edd, exhaling an exasperated sigh. He walked over to the Retro Van when a loud buzzing noise chirped from his pocket. The smart Ed pulled out his phone, his eyes turning to pinpricks as he read the text message he received. "Um…bad news, Eddy."
"What?" questioned Eddy irritably.
"It would seem that Kevin's father lost his job at the jawbreaker factory," said Edd; Eddy's eyes blew wide at the unspoken implication. "Turns out, nobody buys jawbreakers anymore. The entire factory has shut down. There's no more jawbreakers, which means…no jawbreaker party."
"NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Eddy threw back his head with a heart wrenching wail.
"We should…probably get going," said Trixie awkwardly as Eddy started smashing his face into the steering wheel.
"Good idea," said Max, pulling his grandchildren along.
Ten minutes later, the Tennyson were out on the road again. Max was having his solo sing-along in spite of the pleas from his grandchildren to stop. Gwen and Trixie were sitting at the table; the later covering her ears with her hands while the other wore a pair of noise-canceling headphones and tapped away at her laptop. Ben opened the freezer and miraculously didn't get pelted by ice. Unfortunately, the freeze wasn't freezing anything, meaning everything inside had been melted by the desert heat.
"Freezer's broken again!" Ben announced, pulling out a carton of melted ice cream. "Aw well. Hey, Gwen, grab a spoon."
Gwen rose from the table, grabbing a spoon from the drawer, and joined her cousin in partaking in their soupy treat.
Next chapter: Trixie seems to be having the best day of her life. Her patents are finally going through, Benjamin is actually listening to her for a change, the cousins aren't bickering, and she gets surprise visits from her best friend and love interest. Everything is going perfect.
Almost too perfect...