Happy Monday! :)
We're posting a little bit early today since I have the day off work and my son is in pre-school.
Another dark chapter, plus a Cullen POV with some light-hearted banter between Cullen and Rylen. I always imagined Rylen as a very outgoing, flirtatious kinda guy. But now a woman has caught his interest.
Thank you for all the love and support in the meantime. It never goes unnoticed x
—-
Chapter 38:
The sorrow on Josephine's face brought tears to her eyes. There were no words Lara could conjure to explain how this was tolling on her. To discover your lover was responsible for the murder of your own people. To also discover your lover is Orlesian as well; a crime against his own people. The haunting that comes with it, knowing your lover is wanted dead, to be seen hanged by your own people. If their relationship wasn't already complicated, that now grew tenfold.
"I can request a special dispensation from the Orlesian throne and allow him to be transferred to the Inquisition," Josephine answered.
"I'm fine with pissing them off," Lara replied.
"There will be some anger, of course. This hits close to…" Josephine cleared her throat.
"I know. I wasn't going to leave him in their hands. No matter how angry I am at him," Lara answered, placing a hand on her arm.
Josephine nodded quickly, trying to blink away the tears.
"Your victory at Halamshiral is still fresh. Not to mention the various Orlesian territories you have saved. They still owe us a great deal. This will be one of them," Josephine finished, recomposing herself.
"It's better this way than Leliana's plan of smuggling him in and using a replacement as bait. No one else needs to die because of this," Lara agreed.
"Leliana can be harsh, but she means well," Josephine's lips almost twitched into a smile.
"She pretends to be cold but she loves more than she lets on. She'd kill him for you if I gave her the go ahead," Lara smiled.
"I don't doubt that," Josephine laughed, but it sounded more of a sob.
"How will you judge him?" She asked, her eyes filled with worry.
"I have no idea. I want to keep you in mind," Lara replied, biting her lip.
"This is your decision as Inquisitor. This isn't about me…" Josephine started.
"My decision directly impacts you. My decision as Inquisitor is to do what is best for you. If they don't like it, they can fuck off," Lara crossed her arms over her chest.
"That is…kind of you," Josephine whispered, trying to hold back tears again.
"You would do the same for me with Cullen," Lara replied with certainty.
"Of course," Josephine gave her a smile, but it didn't reach her eyes.
Without warning, Lara leaned towards her, wrapping her arms tightly around her. It wasn't requested but she could only imagine how much she needed it. Sharing burdens was easier than carrying it around and letting it drown you. Josephine was drowning as much as she was.
—-
A painful hollowness occupied Lara's body. Nothing felt real, none of this was happening. It was easier to believe that than the truth that she was going to determine a man's fate. A man who had fought by her side, a man who had helped her when she had fallen. A man she considered a friend. A man who ate, drank, and laughed by her side. A man who she now realized wasn't who he portrayed to be. The familiar urge to scream escaped her. It was nowhere to be found. Silence was all there was.
Her usual throne failed to deliver the power it once did. Instead, it felt like an imprisonment. She could've sworn it was grasping hold of her, not willing to let her escape. To face the heavy weight of this decision. That same noose that threatened Mornay still wrapped around her neck. It never left.
Josephine's expression was one of pure sorrow. It only left Lara more hollow. She had wanted to excuse her but Josephine refused.
"For judgment this day, inquisitor, I must present Captain Thom Rainier, formally known to us as Warden Blackwall," Josephine swallowed.
The rattle of chains echoed in her ears forcing her to close her eyes shut. He was better off under her judgment than Orlais. His crime was severe but she refused to see him shackled. And she refused to let the Orlesians play with their dinner.
"His crimes…well, you are already aware. The decision is yours, Inquisitor," Josephine finished with a sigh.
Lara still kept her eyes shut. She didn't care if it made her a coward. She didn't care if she looked weak in front of the eyes watching her. Let them judge her all they want.
"Why is this harder than it should be?" She asked aloud.
"Another thing to regret," His voice heavy with sadness. "What did you have to do to release me?"
"Josephine and I did what we had to do. They would have eaten you alive once they had you. I wouldn't allow that," Lara now faced him.
"And what happens to the reputation the Ambassador has so carefully cultivated?" He asked, his eyes filled with worry.
Lara felt her heart twist. The concern he had for her was still so obvious but worded in a way that wouldn't expose anything. But Lara knew. Josephine shuddered but still remained composed.
"The world will know how you used your influence. They'll know the Inquisition is corrupt," Blackwall continued, shaking his head.
"You didn't give me much choice," Lara narrowed her eyes at him.
"You could have left me there!" He shouted.
"You know I couldn't! And you know why!" Lara hissed angrily.
He only hung his head in what Lara believed to be shame. He knew her meaning; Josephine. It was for her sake that she spared his life. She refused to send her lover to his death, even if he did commit the crime.
"I accepted my punishment. I was ready for all this to end. Why would you stop it?" He pleaded.
"Because you were just a pawn in their game. You wouldn't have done it willingly," Lara stated.
Silence.
"What becomes of me now?" He looked her in the eyes.
"You have your freedom," Lara sighed.
The room was frozen in time. She could feel everyone's eyes burning a hole in her body, Shock held the room so fiercely that not even whispers were heard. It was almost as if this wasn't real. None of this was. Even Josephine had a look of pure shock that she didn't think to conceal. Her decision was made. He wanted to atone for his crimes, now was his chance. She also didn't have the heart to subject him to anything.
"It cannot be as simple as that," He shook his head in disbelief.
"It's not. You can atone as the man you are, not the traitor you believe yourself to be. Not even as the Warden you pretended to be. If you wish to properly join the Wardens, you can. But that is your choice. For now, I need you by my side," Lara answered.
"I'm not even sure I know who I am. It will take time. You would accept that? And what I used to be?" He asked, hopeful.
"Yes. And it will take time for me to trust you again. We can work on that together," Lara answered.
"If my future really is mine, then I pledge it to the Inquisition. My sword is yours, my lady," Blackwall bowed his head.
Lara nodded. The guards took him away, most likely back to his post. Lara didn't miss how gently they handled him. Almost as if they approved of her decision and respected the man they carried, regardless of his crimes.
—-
That hollowness stayed with Laura even as she comforted Josephine in the privacy of her quarters where no one could see her fall apart. She wanted to keep up appearances and keep their relationship hidden. Everyone would question why the Ambassador was falling apart over Blackwall. Or Rainier. Lara wasn't sure what to call him at this point or what her emotions were towards him. She believed a lie. And so easily. She hated herself for not being more cautious.
Fresh air was what she needed. After Josephine drained herself of every tear possible, she retreated to her own quarters to be in peace. Lara took the moment to stroll aimlessly on the battlements, letting the crisp wind numb her face. Could she forgive him? She hadn't even thought of forgiveness, the shock of it all still stuck with her. All she knew was that she needed him. He was still one of her men and her men would always come first no matter what. The Chargers were proof enough when she chose them over the Qunari.
Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted Cole and Solas sitting in silence, taking in the breathtaking views Skyhold had to offer. She would never tire of it. Making her way over to them, she prepared herself for the answer. The answer she knew deep down.
"Hi Cole," Her voice shook as she spoke.
"You're still hurt," Was all he greeted her with.
"Lethallan," Solas nodded, now standing.
"Cole, I need you to be honest with me. Since you can…read people…did you know who Blackwall was this whole time?" Lara asked, hesitating slightly.
"Everyone hides. Everyone pretends. But he…he wanted to fix it," Cole answered.
"Why didn't you tell me?" Lara nearly regretted asking.
"Cole is a spirit of compassion, not a spirit of revelations," Solas answered for him.
"Meaning?" Lara arched an eyebrow.
"It is not his purpose to reveal things to us, but merely to help those who are suffering," Solas clarified.
"Can't he be both?" Lara muttered.
Solas let out a small laugh. "Unfortunately, no."
"Then why did he tell me about Cullen?" Lara asked, trying to understand.
"Because you are directly tied to him. Your suffering was intertwined with his. He was always aware of your connection to each other, so in revealing about Cullen, he guided you to understand and soften towards him. He helped you, did he not?" Solas asked.
"Yes," Lara sighed.
"That is his purpose. By telling you about Rainier, he wouldn't have helped you thus he never did. Instead, he spoke with Blackwall and helped him realize that he's not the monster he thinks he is and that he can fix it," Solas continued.
"He never killed Blackwall. He killed Rainier. He made a new him," Cole spoke to no one in particular.
A shiver ran up Lara's spine. Somehow this conversation was slowly unknotting the tension in her body. If anyone knew his intent, it would be Cole. If Cole was trying to help him fix it, then this whole time he really was aiming for a second chance. Perhaps she was more influential than she realized. Perhaps she carried more power than she realized, and it had nothing to do with the magic she wielded.
—-
Corypheus had left no one untainted by his evilness. That even extended to the Seekers who were tasked with rooting out corruption. Yet, here they were, seduced by the very thing they were meant to eradicate. Lara could never catch a break and the days were only getting heavier, or perhaps it was the soon arrival of the Deep Roads that suffocated her.
Cassandra needed time to read and study the book of the Order's secrets and would report back to her. Secretly, she dreaded knowing what information it held. They were not to be trusted, Lara had decided. It also meant another truth that would come between her and Cullen and she wasn't sure she was prepared for it. Their pasts were behind them but moments like this dragged up the horrors of it, giving her another piece of information to process and accept. Swallowing hard, she opened the door and forced herself up the stairs even if she knew nothing of what Cassandra would tell her would be good.
"This has passed from Lord Seeker to Lord Seeker since the time of the old Inquisition. And now it falls to me," Cassandra greeted her, staring at the book.
"That's a lot of…not fun reading, apparently," Lara commented, trying to make light of it.
"I wish it were," Cassandra sighed. "Do you know what the Rite of Tranquility is?"
Lara's heart dropped into her stomach, nausea threatening her insides. She knew very well what it was and already, she hated the direction this conversation took. If she could turn that book to flames, she would. Bracing herself, she took a seat opposite Cassandra. Standing would not be wise.
"It's the last resort used on mages in the Circle, leaving them unable to cast but depriving them of dreams and all emotion. It should only be used on those who cannot control their abilities but that has not always been the case," Cassandra explained anyways.
Lara closed her eyes, trying to stabilize the rush of emotions erupting inside her. It was no surprise to her that Tranquility was used as a corruption of power. Just because one could. Just because one could hold that power over a mage in a Circle. It was a silent form of abuse. A threat lingering above a mage's head just because someone could if they wanted to.
"Does the book say it was used for anything else?" Lara finally asked.
"No," Cassandra answered. "As a Seeker, I looked into…abuses. Mages made Tranquil as punishment. What finally began the Mage Rebellion was the discovery the Rite of Tranquility could be reversed. The Lord Seeker at the time covered it up. There were deaths," Cassandra replied.
"What?" Lara whispered, her blood running cold, draining from her body.
No, no, no…
Nothing could have prepared her for this. All this time, all the mages that suffered from being made Tranquil…it could have been reversed. It wasn't permanent. Someone had the power to decide their fate, toy with it even, and they chose to let them suffer. Maddox still could have survived. Goosebumps pricked her skin.
"It was dangerous knowledge. The shock of its discovery in addition to what happened in Kirkwall…but, it appears we have always known how to reverse the Rite," Cassandra added.
Cullen…he could have been spared from so much in Kirkwall…
"Corruption in the Order? Shocking," Lara remarked bitterly.
Cassandra fell silent, her head bowed. She was absorbing Lara's anger, knowing it was warranted. She didn't argue back. Lara knew Cassandra wasn't responsible but she was still so angry.
"We created the Rite of Tranquility. I told you of my vigil. The month I spent emptying myself of all emotion. I was made Tranquil and didn't even know. Then, the vigil summoned a spirit of faith to touch my mind. That broke Tranquility and gave me my abilities. The Seekers did not share that secret; not with me, not with the Chantry. Not even with…" Cassandra stopped.
Abruptly, she stood up from the chair and turned to face the window, her back towards Lara. Immediately, she knew there was something else and a part of her refused to listen to it. This was already too much.
"There's more," Cassandra confirmed.
"Of course there is," Lara rolled her eyes.
"Lucius wasn't wrong about the Order. I thought to rebuild the Seekers once victory was ours. Now, I'm not sure it deserves to be rebuilt," Cassandra shook her head.
"I never thought I'd see you so shaken," Lara replied.
Cassandra's faith was always so sturdy. Watching her be tormented by it was hard to watch, but Lara couldn't blame her.
"I do not think the Seekers have been doing the Maker's work. Not truly. Perhaps we believed it once. The original Inquisition came to be during a terrible time, but now, we harbor secrets and let them fester. We acted to survive, but not to serve. That is not the Maker's work," Cassandra explained.
"So if it were up to you, how would you rebuild it?" Lara asked, curious.
"You truly want to know?" Cassandra looked at her surprised.
"I wouldn't ask if I didn't," Lara replied.
"I can't be the only one remaining," Cassandra turned back towards the window.
A long pause followed. Lara remained silent, giving her her space.
"We were always spread to the winds and some may still be out there. I would find them one by one. We would all read this book; no more secrets. Together we would start a new charter…the Maker's work in truth," Cassandra's voice was firm, brave even.
"What exactly is the Maker's work?" Lara arched an eyebrow, confused.
"There's no way to know for certain. That is why we must seek it out!" Cassandra exclaimed.
She let out a heavy sigh that echoed around them.
"Perhaps we lost our way because we stopped looking," Cassandra finished.
Lara let out a deep breath, letting that exhale remove whatever conflict was occupying her body. She was rebuilding the world, reshaping the future. How could she tell Cassandra not to do the same? Especially when this meant so much to her. Improving relations between templars and mages was one thing; the hatred would never stop unless something was done about the Order. The corruption bled from their hands, allowing templars to do their dirty work under the guise of serving and protecting the world.
"Then rebuild the Seekers. Make them better than they were. Show them who Seekers really are," Lara had decided.
Cassandra turned to face her. Her expression was conflicted, torn between which side to take.
"Is that truly what you want?" Cassandra asked after a moment of silence.
"Repairing the relations between templars and mages is one step in the right direction but if nothing changes within the Order, it doesn't mean much. Otherwise the Seekers will stay corrupt if you don't do something about it. It's the Order that needs to change and you have the power to do so. It means both templars and mages won't have to suffer unnecessarily. My kind has already suffered enough…and this ..." Lara swallowed hard, trying to extinguish her nausea.
"Just knowing Tranquility could have been reversed this whole time…a family could have had their child back, a lover could have had their partner back. To think it was used as punishment…" Lara shook her head.
"It was not easy for me to tell you but I thought you should know. If I have your approval, I will rebuild them. Thank you. I don't believe I would have done this without you," Cassandra sat down across from her.
A soft smile reached Cassandra's lips, which Lara returned. She appreciated Cassandra confiding in her, even though she wished she could erase it from her memory. It hung heavy on her, weighing her down. The nausea never left her and she immediately needed comfort. She needed safety. She knew exactly where she would find that.
—-
The emotions had stopped coursing through her and all that was left in their wake was numbness. Slowly, she was disassociating from the reality that now haunted her. How many templars wielded Tranquility as a weapon? As a punishment? How many mages suffered unnecessarily when it easily could have been reversed? It sickened Lara.
Here she was, making her way to the very kind who used to wield this power. Did he ever make someone Tranquil? She shook her head immediately as if to rid her mind of that thought. Cullen's office was now in sight and a warmth spread inside her. All she needed was to be in his arms for the rest of the night without anyone requesting anything of her. She had already spoken with Dorian and in so many words told him that if anyone asked for her he was to tell them to leave her alone. He had chuckled but didn't protest. Instead, he was actually shocked that she was seeking Cullen out rather than hiding away in her quarters. He had also commented something about becoming a woman and no longer being a noble brat, which Lara had swatted him for.
Voices soon caught her attention as she neared the door to his office. The door was left slightly ajar and she couldn't help but eavesdrop. She caught Rylen's voice.
—-
"Aye, I suppose. I won't ever be as whipped as you though," Rylen laughed.
Cullen narrowed his eyes. If there was ever a day he was spared from Rylen's shit stirring, he would have sworn he wasn't alive.
"I am not whipped," Cullen protested.
"That's exactly what someone who is whipped would say," Rylen laughed some more.
"Maker's Breath," Cullen sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.
"Lara has you wrapped around her finger. May not be obvious to you, but it's obvious to us," Rylen replied.
"I thought you came to me for advice, not to antagonize me," Cullen scolded.
"Aye, but I can't help it. Still never thought I'd see you like this over a woman," Rylen teased some more.
"And I never thought I'd see the day where a woman sidetracked you from your conquests," Cullen teased back, crossing his arms over his chest.
Rylen let out a laugh. It was infectious. Cullen let a smile slip.
"Conquests? Is that what you call it?" Rylen replied.
"Don't deflect, Rylen. It's my turn to poke some fun at your expense," Cullen scolded.
"At least my woman doesn't bust my balls," Rylen retorted.
"I'll send word to her to do so. Maker knows you need it," Cullen sassed.
Rylen let out another loud laugh.
"She seems lovely though. I'm not surprised she caught your attention," Cullen continued.
"Oi! You've got your woman. Keep your Ferelden charm away from her," Rylen warned.
"Ferelden charm?" Cullen arched an eyebrow.
"Aye, you managed to woo an Orlesian. A noble at that. Can't say I have that on my list of conquests," Rylen smirked.
Cullen only cleared his throat in response, trying to hide the flush that rose to his cheeks at Rylen's comment. He himself could hardly believe he'd fall in love with an Orlesian noble, let alone bed one. Even if she wasn't part of that life, she was still one by blood.
"I gotta admit though, the lass is gorgeous," Rylen continued.
"She's mine," Cullen nearly growled.
"Aye, I'm well aware. You can also thank me for that I suppose. You wouldn't have danced with her at Haven if it weren't for me," Rylen ignored his warning.
"No, I might not have. Not all of us have your charm and experience, you know. For some of us…it has been a while. After Kinloch, I couldn't…" Cullen's voice broke.
"Don't even finish that sentence, lad. I know enough to piece it together. The fact that you even let her touch you tells me how much she means to you," Rylen interrupted.
"It's still a struggle," Cullen let out a sigh. "Thankfully it's not for you. Your situation is different from mine. Lara and I had a lot to work through. We still do. Just tell her how you feel. If it ends terribly, I'll be there to repair what I can. We can arrange something," Cullen changed the subject.
Cullen still couldn't believe this was a conversation they were having. This woman surely knew about Rylen's flirtatious nature and may not even accept him considering his bedroom behaviors. Regardless, Cullen would always be there for him just like Rylen had always been there for him.
"There's the issue of lyrium, Cullen," Rylen's voice turned serious.
"Speak with Dorian. He can help you get started. As for her, you'll have to come clean about that. She will witness your withdrawals. Let her have the choice if she wants to take that on or not," Cullen answered.
"Did you let Lara choose?" Rylen asked.
"Of course. I would never subject her to it, especially knowing the risks. She gave me her answer after she discovered I quit lyrium," Cullen replied.
"She's one fucking crazy lass," Rylen sighed.
Cullen only laughed. "Part of why I love her."
"What's it like? The withdrawals?" Rylen continued.
Cullen swallowed nervously. He was proud of Rylen for taking this step, but he knew the journey ahead would be agonizing. Perhaps not as agonizing as his own. He nearly gambled his life away by quitting outright. The cost was severe and he was lucky to have survived.
"Painful at first. It might not be for you. I quit outright which was reckless. It could have killed me and at one point almost did. It won't be like that for you under Dorian's watch," Cullen answered.
"And the nightmares you have?" Rylen asked.
"Thankfully you don't have my experiences. You may not have them," Cullen replied.
It was a brief but true answer. His nightmares were tied to Kinloch, forever bound to that place. It was the first time he had ever experienced withdrawals when he was tortured.
"Maker's Balls, I fucking admire you lad. I don't know if I can do it but I have to try," Rylen started. "Blackwall…or Rain…whatever his cocksucking name is…"
Cullen laughed. "I always miss your colorful language."
"Aye, my conquests love it too," Rylen teased.
"Maker's Breath," Cullen groaned.
"You're telling me you don't talk to Lara like that? Wait…does she bust your balls in the bedroom, too?" Rylen teased.
"Rylen, for Andraste's sake…" Cullen sighed, pinching his nose again.
Rylen knew a lot but his sex life with Lara was one that he would keep private. It was a side of him he preferred to be hidden even if he sometimes wondered if Lara had told Dorian anything. He knew they were close.
"Actually, best I don't know that about her. Is he one of us then?" Rylen asked.
"She's spared him. She gave him a chance to atone, so we must give him the same," Cullen replied.
He understood why she had. Whoever he was, he was still one of their men and he had tried to save an innocent from being killed on his behalf. Cullen admired that about him. No matter her decision, he would always support her.
"As Inquisitor, that was risky," Rylen remarked.
"That judgment wasn't the Inquisitor. That judgment was Lara. Regardless, he is still one of our men. We will treat him as such," Cullen replied.
—-
The emptiness had returned to her once again as their conversation shifted. Their lighthearted banter had eased something inside of her but that soon disappeared the second Blackwall was mentioned. She was suddenly reminded why she was here in the first place. That hollowness was in full force again as she forced herself to open the door, needing his comfort. Both Rylen and Cullen stopped their conversation and looked up at her. In an instant, both men were on their feet.
"Maker, lass … you alright? You're bloody pale," Rylen asked concerned.
That emptiness grew as a lump in her throat formed, constricting her. She was going to crumple and fall apart right here. That question was causing her guard to break so she remained silent. Talking would only break it.
"Lara," Cullen's voice called to her, worry etched on his face.
Hold it together, Lara. Wait till Rylen leaves.
Cullen took steps closer to her. She wanted to scream at him to stay there. To not get too close before she breaks and she can't stop it. Nothing came out.
"Please talk to me," Cullen whispered, still nearing towards her.
Lara shook her head, her body shaking. She couldn't talk. If she did, it would be the death of her. She refused to fall apart now. Suddenly everything was hitting her. Her lack of sleep, recent events, the lack of food; it was all catching up with her. She was doing it again. Keeping everything buried within her with a lock and key until it bursted and there was no stopping it. Her knees buckled and she let her body fall where it may. It fell into his arms.
"Rylen. Leave us," Cullen commanded.
"Aye. If you need anything, let me know. I won't be far," Rylen made his leave.
Once the click of the door echoed in his office, a loud sob escaped her as she held onto Cullen. He carried her to the nearest wall, sitting himself down on the floor, cradling her in his lap as she cried and cried. He held her, stroking her hair, soothing her as she fell apart. She heaved and heaved until there was nothing left. No more tears left to cry. No more pain to erase. Now she was truly numb.
"Who hurt you?" Cullen's voice was cold. It sent a shiver down her spine.
"No one," She rasped, her voice hoarse.
He let out a sigh, his muscles relaxing at her answer. He asked no other questions, but continued to soothe her even if she was no longer crying. Despite her inner turmoil, she was safe. She would always be safe with him.
"The Rite of Tranquility could have been reversed this whole time. It's not permanent. Maddox could have lived," She finally spoke.
Lara could feel his body tense under the armor at her words. Did he already know this? It couldn't be possible. She sincerely hoped he was finding out for the first time. She didn't think she could handle it if he knew.
"Who told you this?" Was all he asked.
"Cassandra. The book," Was all she said.
"Maker. I knew the Order had secrets but this…Maddox…" Cullen trailed off.
A small wave of relief washed over her at his words. He didn't know. He didn't keep this secret from her. This wasn't something that would come between them even though she would always choose him. The thought of losing him pained her far more, as selfish as that was of her. She also had to remember he was no longer the man he once was. But there was something else she needed to know.
"Have you ever made someone Tranquil?" Lara asked.
"Lara," Cullen warned.
She lifted her head to look at him. Pain was written on his face. What that meant she wasn't sure but if they were going to be together, she needed the truth.
"Stop trying to protect me. I need to know and I'd rather hear it from your lips than Samson's," Lara replied.
Cullen winced at her words, lowering his head. Her words stung but she didn't care. She knew why Cullen hadn't told her about the mages he killed; it was to protect her. He feared she would leave if she knew but she was angry he didn't let her make that choice.
"No, I haven't but some of my former Templar friends have and not because a mage couldn't control their magic," Cullen answered.
"As punishment?" Lara whispered.
Cullen only nodded, a look of disgust on his face.
"I never agreed with it. Regardless of what my views were on mages, I never believed it was necessary or right. But I did nothing which makes me as guilty as they were. I want nothing to do with that life, Lara," Cullen now looked at her, searching for her response.
"I know," Her voice cracked.
"I told Cassandra to rebuild the Seekers. Together we've worked on mages and templars tolerating each other but nothing will change if the Order doesn't. They're the real enemy," She continued, confiding in him.
Calloused fingers cupped her face, his thumb stroking her cheek. Admiration etched on his face as he stared at her, taking her in.
"You are an extraordinary woman. Maker knows what I've done to deserve you but just know how proud of you I am," He spoke tenderly.
Lara sank into his touch, closing her eyes. His words soothed the turmoil inside her. They healed a part of her. His skin was warm against her cheek, causing her to melt. How she ever resisted this man was a miracle but now that she knew what it was like, there was no way for her to resist now.
"Can I stay with you? Till tomorrow? If anyone asks for me, I'm not here. I'm only yours," She said, her eyes still closed.
"You never have to ask, my love. I will have you here for as long as you like," He pressed a kiss onto her forehead.
They fell silent again as he held her head to his chest, stroking her hair, comforting her again. Her emotions were now in calm waves and her breathing returned to normal. A low grumble made itself known, making her realize how long she'd gone with so little food. How long had it been since she had a proper meal?
"Lara, you've lost weight. When is the last time you've eaten properly?" Cullen asked worriedly.
"I don't know. Everything's been a blur," Lara replied. It wasn't a lie.
"Have you eaten today?" His voice now alarmed.
Lara only shook her head. In an instant, she was being lifted to her feet and his warmth disappeared. Concern was now so evident on his face, she suddenly felt guilty knowing she was the cause of it.
"Go upstairs, get comfortable. You know where my clothes are. I will bring us some food," He commanded.
Normally she'd reply with a smart remark but today she had nothing in her. Quietly, she made her way up the ladder. She swore she caught a look of disappointment on his face at her lack of response.
—-
Cullen had soon joined her and changed into something more comfortable. Secretly she was relieved the armor was off. He ordered Rylen to bring some food for them. Guilt racked her once again at Rylen having to do the task because Cullen was worried to leave her alone for too long. If it was anyone Cullen trusted most, it was Rylen.
"He will ask what happened. Can I tell him? Shit-stirrer that he is, he can keep a secret," Cullen shook his head.
Lara sat up, looking at him in shock. A curse had slipped from his lips and it was the first she had ever heard him utter. Even in their most intimate moments, he hadn't cursed. She almost could've sworn she only heard it in her head.
"What?" Cullen arched an eyebrow.
"Did you just curse, Rutherford?" Lara teased.
Cullen let out a laugh, tossing his head back. The sight warmed her heart.
"It rarely happens but I blame Rylen when it does," He smiled at her.
"If you trust him, then so do I," Lara laid back down on the bed.
Cullen gracefully made his way to the bed, sitting beside her. He leaned over, cupping her face with his hand, his thumb gently stroking her cheek.
"Must you go to the Deep Roads?" Lara asked, bracing herself for his answer.
"Yes, Lara. They are my men," Cullen replied.
"Why do I get the feeling you're trying to prove something? Your symptoms–" She looked at him, pleading.
"I'm fine," Cullen cut her off.
"You don't have to prove anything. Not even to me," Lara pleaded, sitting herself up.
"Especially for you!" Cullen's voice rose. He sighed. "Please. Let's not get into this again. My decision is final."
He stroked her cheek once more, his expression softening. Smooth, warm lips gently pressed on hers as he kissed her. Kissed her to avoid a further argument. Not having the energy to argue further, she returned that kiss. His arms wrapped around her, laying her back down on the bed, his body climbing on top of hers, protecting her. Her body arched into his, needing his warmth, needing the feel of his muscles on her. Their tongues danced together in a slow rhythm, as if it were their last and they wanted to savor the moment. That connection between them crackling as they held each other tightly, the kiss conveying their emotions. Their need for each other. A soft moan escaped her as she threaded her fingers through his hair, pulling him closer. Cullen groaned in response, pressing his hips against hers. They were in their own world where only the two of them existed. They didn't even hear Rylen entering.
"Oh yes Cullen. Right there. More, more," Rylen spoke in a high pitched voice, trying to hide his laughter.
Lara immediately broke away from the kiss, heat rising in her cheeks as she pulled the blanket over her head. Cullen let out an annoyed sigh, muttering under his breath as he got up from the bed.
"One of these days, I'm going to murder him," He shook his head as he readjusted himself.
The smell of food made her mouth water, but it still wasn't enough for her to remove the covers. She'd rather remain hidden especially after Rylen had just heard them. Cullen was descending the ladder and still she remained hidden.
"Is knocking no longer acceptable?" Cullen grumbled.
"What fun is that if I can't interrupt?" Rylen teased.
"At least you brought food," Cullen mumbled.
"Is she okay?" Rylen asked.
Silence filled his office. Lara could hear her heart beating under the covers. What if Rylen knew? Had he made anyone Tranquil? The thought summoned her nausea again despite the food downstairs.
"Did you know that the Rite of Tranquility can be reversed?" Cullen finally responded.
"Please tell me you're fucking with me," Rylen swore.
Cullen must've shook his head no as Rylen continued.
"It's that book, isn't it? The one Seeker Pentaghast wanted to get? I told you naught would come from it," Rylen hissed angrily.
"She might want to know if you've ever…you know," Cullen continued.
"If I ever made someone Tranquil? Nae, lass. I'm not that much of an asshole," Rylen shouted so she could hear.
Lara let out a sigh of relief as she closed her eyes, trying to steady her racing heart. At least the two Templars she had grown fond of never purposely toyed with her kind's future. Purposefully used their abilities as a weapon, as a punishment. That knot inside her eased slightly, the bitter taste in her mouth subsiding. Sliding the covers off, she put on her pants and made her way down the ladder, braving her tear stained face in front of Rylen.
"You look miserable," Rylen almost pitied her.
"That secret is what fueled the Mage Rebellion. The Lord Seeker at the time covered it up. So much could have been avoided…Cullen, what you went through in Kirkwall…it could have been…" Her voice cracked as she shuddered violently.
Cullen immediately wrapped his arms around her, holding her close. She could feel the tension in his muscles as she mentioned the rebellion. A man who had already endured so much in Kinloch Hold, to only be thrown into the chaos of Kirkwall that could have been avoided had corruption in the Order not prevailed. Had not pitted templars and mages against each other into a Mage-Templar war.
"Don't look at it that way, lass. If it didn't happen then, it would have happened another time. Only you were crazy enough to take in rebel mages amongst templars and make them get acquainted," Rylen nearly chuckled.
"You're rewriting history, Lara. Don't let that suffering be for nothing," Cullen murmured against her hair.
"What if I'm doing this wrong? What if this isn't the right thing?" Lara sighed.
"Absolutely no one else could have done what you did. No one has enough balls to put rebel mages and templars together in a tiny place like Haven and see if it works out. Andraste's tits, you had the mages learning magic in front of them despite the War still being fresh," Rylen laughed.
"Besides some confrontations here and there, for the most part it actually went surprisingly well," Cullen confirmed.
"All jokes aside, you made this one here fall in love with a mage. Something I thought damn fucking impossible given his past. That alone inspired many. More than you realize," Rylen said seriously.
Cullen shuffled as he flushed a bright red. A weak smile graced her as she studied his reaction. His eyes locked with hers, catching her watching him. He returned the smile.
"Solas told me the mages actually supported it," Lara turned her head to look at Rylen.
"Lass, you and Commander Uptight here aren't the only mage and templar getting together in this place," Rylen winked at her.
Cullen glared at his comment and Lara let out a dry laugh.
"Does it kill you to ever be serious?" Lara sighed.
"It might. Haven't been serious enough to find out. Made you laugh though, dinnit?" Rylen made his way to the door, but not before ruffling her hair slightly as he walked past her.
Lara shook her head. She couldn't deny that she felt lighter somehow.
"Secret's safe with me, lass. At least this time I know that he knows. Thanks for that by the way," Rylen gave her a mock glare.
She knew what he was referring to; the eluvian in Skyhold. She had failed to mention that Cullen wasn't aware and she had planned on telling him but didn't know how.
"You're not the only one that gets to have some fun, you know?" Lara teased.
"Ahh, she's back," Rylen chuckled. "I'll leave you two. You, eat. You have lost weight. And you…remember that for once, she came to you," Rylen shut the door behind him.
Lara's eyes widened at his last comment. Something within her had changed. The will to push him away no longer won. This time, she ran to him for comfort. Needed him to console her. It was no easy feat but finally here she was. Her eyes found Cullen's, who was rubbing the back of his neck nervously. Was he worried at some point she would push him away? Avoid him? Of course he was. She had given him plenty of reasons for it to be a concern. Neither one said anything about it.
Cullen escorted her to his chair, pulling her into his lap as they ate in a comfortable silence together. With him, she was safe. Despite the turmoil between their kind, she was safe in his arms. He protected her but not enough from the nightmares that plagued her sleep that night.