A/N: Hello again! I'm back, several weeks later than I intended but alas, alack, and other regretful expressions.
This chapter is mainly dedicated to working out some of Nya's trauma and maybe even some of Kai's. The two of them really needed to have a good one-on-one, and the last...uh...third or so of this chapter is expressly that. I hope y'all like dialogue.
On the bright side, this chapter sets Nya up for some emotional development and starts chipping away at all that childhood guilt she's hoarding. I can't give her therapy, but I can give her lots of internal monologue! And an abhorrent amount of self-awareness for a thirteen-year-old! Yes, yes, hold your applause.
(Also, as I read through this again, I'm realizing just how many words are in italics. Whoops. Oh, well. Can't argue with the necessity of emphasis.)
oOo
When Nya goes crashing into the subzero realm below the ice, the only coherent thought she can recognize is something along the lines of, "Kai's going to kill me."
After that, the swell of panic is loose, pounding through her head, lighting up her insides with the fight to survive. Thoughts and words bleed into the most basic functions until only sensations are left.
She feels the shocking wash of ice water as she's submerged, feels it like lightning to her nervous system. She's acutely aware of the depth and the fact that her feet are nowhere near the river's bottom. And finally, she is struck by the current's full magnitude.
It's pulling her sideways before she even knows which direction sideways is. Nya strains to open her eyes against the searing cold but only gets a glimpse of churning blue-green.
Her head bumps something solid and Nya knows she's under the ice.
This realization turns the situation rather serious. Where Nya had previously been frightened but resolved to the fact that Zane would get her out, she is now under the impression that she might actually die down here. And that idea is enough to shatter every notion of dignity a person has.
Nya flails against the current, kicking and digging her nails into the ice, scraping for purchase. For a moment, her face is pressed to the underside of the surface and she thinks she can see three blobs frantically nearing.
Is that the ninja? How will they get to her? She'd have to find the hole she fell through and grab someone's hand, let someone reach in and—
Thump.
Nya can hear the voices now. They're standing above her, pounding on the ice, trying to break through.
Everything on the other side—the safe side—reaches Nya's ears like distant mumbling. Like a heated conversation in the next room. Like whale songs through aquarium glass. She might just be half-drowned and delusional, but for a moment Nya is reminded of her very, very early childhood.
She remembers sitting in the front yard of Four Weapons as it rained buckets all around her. She remembers the hard path. The path that was saturated dark brown with the downpour—everything except the spot she sat in. Nya sat in a perfect circle of dry earth.
She remembers feeling scared and a little offended, like maybe the rain did not like her. Like she was unworthy of the sky's tears. She was so unsettled that she never even told Kai. Or her parents. Her parents were still around back then. It's one of the earliest memories she has.
At that moment, Nya's lungs constrict and her heart burns and she can't help herself—she gasps for a breath.
She could swear that it is not water that rushes down her throat but a sharp-tasting gulp of air. But this is very likely a delusion or a hallucination as she is trapped underwater and probably going to black out any second, so Nya doesn't linger on it and instead busies herself with flattening her body to the ice above.
If there's any chance of Zane busting her out of here, she's got to stay in one place. Though, oddly enough, she can no longer feel the angry tug of the current. Probably also delusion. Her limbs are numb anyway.
The panic drills deeper and she starts to lose focus. The current seems to quiver around her. As the edges of her consciousness start to soften and blur, Nya hears the dull pounding escalate to a frantic hacking and cracking. Then the space between her ears is accosted by a shattering crash. Something grasps her upper arm and yanks.
Nya's head breaches the surface of the water and light floods the world beyond her closed eyelids. For one overstimulating second, she thinks she can hear everything in the whole world. Then, sensing she's out of immediate mortal peril, her body promptly runs out of batteries. The world goes quiet.
oOo
For quite some time after that, Nya lives in flashes and snippets of action. She retains some of it; other pieces get buried beneath exhaustion and lost in the constant back and forth.
Immediately after being dragged from the water, the order of events is completely inside-out. Nya knows Zane is there because he says something very loudly, very close to her eardrum. Cole is also there because he says, more coherently, "Kai's gonna kill us," and Nya remembers thinking that right before she went underwater.
One of them says something else, not to her, and she catches the words "Jay" and "dragon." There's the crackle of static from a communicator, then someone's fingers are prodding around under her chin.
"She's breathing," says Cole, so relieved that it kind of comes out as one word.
Nya can recall movies where people are rescued from drowning, and usually they need CPR. Not her, apparently. She sends a barely-conscious thank you to the sky, knowing she might not have survived the embarrassment of such a fiasco.
But this is still…plenty embarrassing.
Then, clear as crystal and louder than a speaker, Zane's voice is in her ear again.
"Nya, can you stand?"
It hadn't occurred to her that she wasn't already standing, though it's obvious now that she's thinking about it. She can't see and she's not sure which way is up.
"Can you hear me?"
Nya tries to nod but is suddenly aware of how disconnected she feels from her body. It's like she's been somewhere between here and nowhere, a dark in-between space. She is then even more aware of how stupid she must look right now, and this fear is what startles her into full consciousness.
She strains her eyes open, squinting against the harsh daylight. Two ninja-shaped forms are leaning over her, though she can only make out their silhouettes. Her next thought is that she was actually warmer in the water; her whole body is rattling with cold.
"Nya!" Cole grasps her shoulder. "Hey—say something, you're freaking us out."
She blinks from him to Zane and says through the chattering of her teeth, "Now I know—how newborn babies—feel."
Cole grins, chuckling as he clasps her shoulder a little tighter. He ducks his head. "Geez."
Nya grips his forearm and he pulls her up to a sitting position. The world is still fading into focus. Her jacket is in a soggy heap over to the side—it was definitely weighing her down. No wonder her limbs had felt so heavy.
"We're gonna get you outta here, okay?" says Cole. "Jay's rounding up the dragons."
"'Kay."
"Are you good? Nothing broken?"
She'd know if she'd broken something, right? Then again, everything's a little uncertain right now. "I think I'm—good."
The earth ninja shakes his head. "You had us wired. That sure was some fall."
"Yeah. S—Sorry."
"Don't apologize. You really held your own out here." He gestures to her. "Look atcha. Not a single scratch."
Nya laughs and it comes out as a shaky exhale. "Thanks. But—I feel like I—blew it."
"You didn't. Not bad for your first mission."
"Yeah?"
"Definitely. Surviving a fall through the ice? Kinda metal, actually."
Nya smiles, but she's not sure how much of it shows on her face. She's actually starting to feel a little bit…off.
Zane catches on immediately. He peers down at her with visible concern.
"You are quite pale," he says.
Nya tries to fix her eyes on a single point. "Well. I'm f–freezing."
"I bet," says Cole. "Jay should be back any minute. I know there's a blanket in Rocky's saddle bag."
Zane scoots closer, picking up Nya's wrist. She barely registers the movement, but she can see her fingers trembling. Zane eyes her, then frowns at Cole.
"We need to move quickly."
Cole sits up straighter. "Why, what's wrong?"
"Symptoms of hypothermia include uncontrollable shivering, pale skin, and a slowed pulse."
The words register and Cole whitens. He bites the inside of his cheek, thinking. "Right. Okay."
He stands, lifting his hand from Nya's shoulder and pulling out his communicator. Nya hears him tell Jay to "pick up the pace" before Cole walks carefully out of earshot. Or maybe she's just imagining it. Things are looking blurry and bright again.
Zane stares at her with an urgency that, somewhere in the back of her brain, she knows is not good.
"Are you in any pain?" he asks.
It seems that Nya's thoughts have all joined hands, each one leaking into the next. She knows what she wants to say but her tongue won't move. Eventually she just nods.
It's true—everything hurts. She hadn't quite realized it until now. It's a piercing kind of ache that goes right through her, coating every bone, turning blood to poison. It's red-hot and arctic all at once. Her teeth feel tight and her face is numb. Her fingertips are blue.
A hefty gust of wind sends an extra shiver down Nya's spine—Rocky just landed on the shore. Zane waves Cole back over.
She imagines her bangs as little icicles hanging over her forehead. Then she imagines socks made of frost and little ice cube earrings.
"Can you stand?" Zane asks again.
Nya nods. She goes to push herself to her feet but stops. Her head swims. Her limbs don't belong to her and her chest hurts.
Without any further prompting, Cole and Zane each take one of her arms, hauling her upright. Her legs are just about useless, since the feeling in them is still nowhere to be found. Rather than supporting her as she walks, the pair is half-dragging her like a wounded soldier in a trench and she's too tired to resist.
Zane's footsteps are sure as he leads the way, Cole matching his stride.
"Where're we going?" she mumbles. Her vision is dimming at the edges again.
Cole readjusts his grip on her arm. "We have to get you back to the monastery."
"You are losing body heat," says Zane. "I don't mean to alarm you, but it is imperative to seek shelter, or there will be consequences."
Nya glances at him. "That's v-very alarming, Zane."
"My apologies."
They stumble onto the shore and Nya's knees wobble. She's overcome with the urge to bury herself in Cole's side—he's the nearest and warmest option—but resists for the sake of not embarrassing herself further. She hasn't forgotten that one time she hastily commented on his abs and made a fool of herself.
Rocky's massive form shifts, just a dark blob somewhere ahead. Zane releases her and Cole guides her by the shoulders.
"W—Wait," Nya manages. "The—my jacket—"
"I will retrieve it," Zane assures. "Shard is nearby. Once you three are on your way, I will follow behind."
"Sounds good," says Cole. "Hey—radio the monastery, would you?"
"Of course."
Zane disappears and Cole walks Nya over to Rocky. A blue shape materializes in the saddle.
"Jay," Cole calls up, "I'm taking the reins." To Nya, he says, "We're gonna get you home, but you need to stay awake. Got it? Otherwise we're gonna have a problem."
Nya nods. She knows Cole's stressed, so she tries not to let his tone bug her. You'd think he was a retired drill sergeant from the way he's tossing orders around.
"Good. Jay, help me out here."
With some maneuvering, they manage to hoist Nya up into the saddle, Cole clambering up after her. She's squashed in the middle, practically in Jay's lap, and she knows the situation must be serious because no one's making any jokes about that.
Jay drapes a thin blanket over her shoulders and rubs her arms. "You okay?"
Nya responds by leaning back into him, her head just under his chin. Even the scant warmth from the emergency blanket is dizzying. She wishes she could merge with it.
A bit startled but not displeased, Jay lets her rest there.
When Cole gets situated with the reins, he tosses Jay a look. "Do not let her slide off. Kai's gonna be enough of a nightmare without us telling him we dropped his sister off a dragon." He catches Nya's eye. "…No offense."
Nya just grimaces.
She does her best to grip the back of Cole's gi, though her fingers are clumsy at best. It's hard to hold onto something you can't feel. Jay is steady behind her, a hand on each of her elbows, and she knows nobody's going to let her fall off.
But Nya's significantly weakened—even she can admit that. She hurts all over and the cold is making a home in her veins and she's drenched. The cold is so prominent that she can't even gauge how cold she is.
For a second—or maybe a few—the frantic survival instincts go quiet and Nya just wants to sink into oblivion. Because dammit this was her shot.
Her golden invitation. Her chance to prove how capable she was.
And whether Cole had meant what he said or not, Nya totally bombed that chance.
And now she'll never hear the end of it.
She sighs, resigned to her fate. Jay must think something's wrong, because he taps her arm.
"Everything good?"
Nya shakes her head, curling more tightly into him and into herself. "Th—This sucks."
Not knowing what else to do without crossing a line, Jay pats her shoulder. "I know..." Then, "For what it's worth, you were great today. Really."
As Rocky beats his wings and takes to the sky, Nya's stomach lurches. Their praise is, unfortunately, fruitless. Because the angry voices are louder. The voices from her past and present, voices she imagines, her own voice. They're chanting failure failure failure and the words are building a wall she can't see past. So she shuts her eyes, letting the crisp winter wind shake the ice from her hair.
oOo
When Rocky begins his descent toward the monastery, Nya's whole body lurches.
"Whoa—I gotcha," says Jay, steadying her.
She'd been sleeping or unconscious—Nya doesn't know which, but she keeps it to herself.
Through bleary eyes, she watches the monastery grow in size. Zane is ahead now. Nya fights the exhaustion, holding her head up with all her remaining strength. She feels heat—a heavy, blinding sort of heat—spreading over her limbs, but something about it is not exactly comforting.
At the same time she recognizes this, Jay says, "Hey, you're not shivering anymore."
Cole whips around. "She's not? Feel her skin."
Nya opens her mouth to protest but thinks better of it. Uncomfortably, Jay asks, "Can I, uh…?"
Nya shifts her hand toward his, her fingers not quite uncurled. Jay lays his palm over hers, then winces.
"She's freezing," he says to Cole.
"Shit."
It's the first time she's heard Cole swear. He's usually the one to holler, "Language." He's usually the Composed One. The One Who Has It Under Control. Poor guy—this must really be freaking him out.
Rocky and Shard land in the courtyard, scattering little piles of dead leaves and drifting snow. Cole drops the reins and swings to the ground, holding his arms out. With Jay's help, they get Nya down and on her own two feet, though she's wobbling unsteadily.
Nya, finding it harder and harder to really care about what's happening, latches loosely onto Jay's arm. FSM, she's cold—
Kai abruptly bursts into the courtyard, practically ripping the double doors from their frames.
He takes one look at them and demands, "What the hell happened?"
In her current state, Nya doesn't actually hear what he says. She does, however, know that he is currently in Panic Mode and is probably one notch away from Violence Mode. So she offers herself as tribute.
She starts to shuffle forward, but her head weighs twenty pounds and her legs are cooked spaghetti. Jay catches her arm as she nearly pitches forward.
"Fell in," says Nya.
Kai is there in three long strides, relieving Jay of his post.
"Fell in where?" says Kai. He's trying to hold Nya at arm's length to scan for other injuries, but she's almost deadweight at this point. There's also the fact that she keeps trying to nuzzle her head under his arm like a pony.
Cole steps forward wearing his Team Leader face.
"We were ambushed at the bank of a river and we got separated—"
"Separated?" Kai whirls on him. "You mean, you—"
"Kai," Zane interjects. "I understand you have questions, but we must get Nya warm before hypothermia sets in."
"Hypo—" Kai looks down at her, trying to catch her eye. Nya curls farther into the blanket around her shoulders. "Shit."
"Language," mutters Nya, because Cole doesn't.
"Nya, let's go," says Kai.
"Mm."
"Sis, come on. This is serious."
Zane reaches out and feels her wrist again. He looks up at Kai gravely. "Her heart rate has slowed significantly."
Nya hears Kai's breath hitch in the way that always precedes a lecture. Then he says, "Okay, that's it," and scoops her up.
At first, Nya is so mortified by this that she thinks she might actually throw up. But then she feels Kai's body heat and changes her mind. This is great, actually.
He snaps his fingers by her ear, jostling her a little. "Nope nope nope, stay awake. If you die of hypothermia, Nya, I swear to the FSM I'll kill you."
Called it, she wants to say. But she cracks her eyes back open regardless.
Kai deposits her in her room before yanking a drawer open, pulling out some of her warmest items.
"I'm not even shiv'ring anymore," says Nya. Despite her better judgment, the words have a whiny quality to them. She can't help it—she'd really like to just tip sideways onto the bed and sleep.
"Yeah," Kai says, digging for a pullover sweater. "That's not a good thing."
"I don' get it."
"Shivering is your body's way of helping you 'til you get warm. If the shivering stops before then, so do you."
Nya hugs her elbows. "Oh."
Kai finishes his hunt, tossing a pile of miscellaneous pajama items onto the bed. He points a finger at her.
"Get out of those wet clothes. You have five minutes." He heads for the bedroom door.
"Can I just—"
"Nya," he says, and it's a strained warning. "I'm not joking around. Do you want to freeze to death? Is that what you want?"
Nya lets out an unsteady sigh. "No."
"That's what I thought." Kai points to the clothes again. "Four minutes, or I'm coming back in here."
He's out the door in a flash, slamming it shut behind him. Nya buffers for only a moment longer before forcing herself into motion—albeit slow motion.
Her clothes are half-frozen to her skin. As she peels them off, Nya tries to block out the rather animated argument she can hear through the door. Kai is down the hall, chewing out—oh FSM, he's yelling at Sensei Wu.
Cole is chiming in, just as Nya finishes pulling the sweater over her head. She hears his passionate "It wasn't anyone's fault."
Uh-oh. If Kai's assigning blame, this is going to be a long night indeed.
Nya shuffles to the door, pressing a numb ear to the wood.
"Calm yourself, Kai," says Sensei. "Allow me to explain."
"Explain what? That you sent my sister into an ambush? She's—"
"Nya is skilled and capable."
"Yeah," says Cole. "She was resourceful, she was fast. I mean…I was impressed."
"No one asked what you think—"
"Kai. Cole is your teammate and you will speak to him as such."
"Nya isn't invincible—"
"And neither are you." Sensei pauses. "I share your concern. And I understand what your sister means to you. But I made my decision with the utmost consideration of Nya's potential and the mission's necessity."
A brief silence.
"That doesn't make it right," says Kai. "She wasn't ready. She doesn't have elemental powers—she doesn't even know Spinjitzu!"
Nya frowns to herself. Gee, thanks.
Sensei interjects gently. "The path of a ninja is challenging. Nya's contribution today is invaluable. For her, it is the first step of a larger journey."
"That's not comforting." Kai runs a hand through his hair—Nya can picture it so vividly. "Was this mission worth it? She could have drowned. She could—"
"Second-guessing the past will never change the outcome. I understand your frustration. But Nya is strong."
"I—yeah, I know she is."
Nya brightens a bit.
Kai continues. "It's just hard. Y'know, I—seeing her—because—"
There's another silence, then some quiet footsteps, like maybe Cole left the scene. Sensei sighs.
"I know what you've been through, Kai," he says. "Your fears are justified. But I did this for Nya. Her thirst to prove herself is insatiable." Pause. "Like a certain red ninja I know."
Her four minutes are definitely up. Nya takes a long breath, holding it in her chest, then lets it whoosh out. She pushes out into the hallway.
Kai's back is turned and his head is bowed. When he pivots to face her, Nya thinks she's never seen him look so tired.
Then the sternness is back.
He reanimates, stomps over to her, grabs her arm, and hauls her away. They step into the living room and Kai jabs a finger at the couch.
"Sit."
"I'm not a dog," says Nya. She's heavy-lidded and dizzy and it's making her touchy. But still…
After hearing Kai and Sensei in the hall, Nya is feeling—well, kind of guilty. Because Kai hadn't really fought to take her place on the mission. Mostly, he'd been concerned that something would happen and he wouldn't be there.
Sure, sometimes he acts like he knows best and he's the wisest in the land. But underneath that, something else is pulling the strings. Nya would know.
Under all his grit and arrogance is a little boy trying to shelter his sister and himself from a world that was never particularly kind to them. He wants so desperately to look out for her, like their parents never could. And Nya has a track record of making that increasingly difficult for him to do.
So she sits and tries very hard not to roll her eyes or complain. But she's not happy about it.
A strange sort of sadness stirs inside her, promising to surface later.
Kai fetches a blanket and tucks it around her shoulders, which Nya doesn't resist either, due to aforementioned sadness.
"Stay here, okay? Sensei's making some sorta special tea, I dunno. It'll probably be disgusting but I guess it's supposed to warm up your cells or—something."
He shakes his head, moving to leave, but—Nya doesn't know what makes her do it, but she reaches out and catches his wrist.
Kai looks at her, one eyebrow raised, and Nya gives his arm a little tug.
Something in his expression softens and he only hesitates the barest of seconds before relenting. He settles in next to her without a word.
Gratefully, ravenous for heat as she is, Nya finally wedges herself against him, sighing.
Bemused, Kai says, "Comfy?"
Sleepily, Nya grins. "You have no idea."
A short while later, Nya's shivering again. She assumes this means she isn't going to die, but Sensei presents her with the tea anyway. The mug says #1 Dad and Nya wonders which ninja gave it to him as a Christmas gift. Her money's on Jay.
"Drink it," Kai says when he notices her stalling.
Nya brings the mug to her lips and the smell hits her. She gags, holding the tea away.
"What is in this?" she chokes out.
Sensei, lingering nearby, says, "Cinnamon, ginger, and—well. Perhaps it is best that we leave the rest to imagination."
Nya winces.
"Drink," Kai says again.
Still frowning, Nya shakes her head. "Mm-mm."
Kai's face falls like he's about to unleash Mom Mode which is so much worse than Panic Mode or Violence Mode. So Nya releases a deep breath, resignedly lifting the mug again. She pours half of it down her throat in one tortured gulp.
"Eugh!"
Nya coughs, drawing her knees to her chest. Kai shakes his head, now satisfied enough to be a little entertained.
"Okay, tough guy. You have to drink the whole thing or it won't—"
"I will," says Nya. She tips her head against his shoulder. "You take a sip and we'll see who's a tough guy."
Ultimately, the tea does its job and Kai's freakish-but-appreciated body heat is a huge bonus. He doesn't pull away when his teammates drift in and out of the room to check on them. Nobody ever stays for long; it's quietly understood that the siblings are having a personal moment. Nya holds everyone's discernment in very high esteem.
It's not long before both Zane and Sensei declare Nya as officially out of danger. A short while later, she's discussing it with Kai.
"I mean, I guess I get how Sensei would know that stuff. But how does Zane figure?"
Kai shrugs. They're suffering through a late-Christmas rerun movie. "Beats me."
"It's like he knew my exact temperature."
"Zane's got—kind of a sixth sense for that sorta thing. I don't know, he's always been like that."
"That's cool."
"It's weird."
Feeling suddenly defensive, Nya frowns. "It's not weird, he's just sensitive."
Kai makes a funny noise, peering down at her warily. "Wow, moving on from Jay already? Okay. I thought—"
Nya elbows him. "Shut up, it's not like that." She curls up a little tighter, hugging her knees. "I just got to talk to Zane a little more today."
"Oh yeah? And how was it?"
"It was good. Sure, I wouldn't say he's exactly like the rest of you. But he's—I dunno."
Kai looks like maybe he's not paying attention anymore, already refocused on the movie. Nya notices this and chews her lip. She likes Zane fine, but she's starting to realize the real message behind her argument.
Half of her brain is still revolving around the proximity to potential death she had encountered earlier. She's not shaking anymore and the dizziness has mostly subsided, but it's kind of hard to ignore what had almost happened.
She's upset about the near-hypothermia thing, sure. But Nya feels like she failed. And that's so much worse.
Is it a skewed perspective? Yeah, probably. But she had been building up to her moment, her chance to fight with the team and prove—
Prove what, exactly? That she's capable? That she's an asset? That the boys aren't superior just because they're boys?
To prove that I can be useful too.
And now she's arrived at the true motive. It's like finishing a mystery novel, gasping as if to say, oh, I get it, it seems so obvious now.
Because how she really feels is this: Sensei and the team wanted Kai. Nya just happened to be attached. She was just the unfortunate means to an end she ultimately wasn't meant to be a part of. And it burns.
She wants to take that narrative and rewrite it. She was supposed to rewrite it today. And instead, she almost drowned. And after she almost drowned, she almost froze to death. And now she's sitting here, digesting vile healing tea and hoping she hasn't traumatized her brother too much by almost drowning/freezing to death.
Nya feels an abrupt swell of revulsion toward her surroundings. The room is too small. She sits up a little, frowning.
Kai glances sideways at her, sensing the shift. "What?"
She keeps her eyes forward. "Zane was really helpful today, actually."
"Yeah, I'm glad."
"He was the first one out on the ice when they found me."
Kai nods, moving to face her. His brows are slightly furrowed, lips slightly to one side. He knows this isn't the true subject matter at all, but rather a segue into something more serious.
"He was really nice about it. You know—he's the only one who didn't lie to me."
"Lie about what?"
"About what happened. Cole and Jay…afterwards, they were all, 'You were great,' and, 'Don't worry about it.' But Zane didn't say anything."
Kai lowers a brow. "O—kay…I mean, they were probably just trying to be nice."
"I wish they wouldn't."
Sighing, Kai says, "Okay, I give. What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Oh, now look who's lying."
"Nothing."
"It's that bad, huh?"
"You just don't get it," Nya explodes, sitting up fully. "Everything comes so easily to you, you're—you're the Cool One, you always have been."
"Whoa, hang on—"
"Everybody likes you, you're a natural fighter, you—you have to be the best at everything and I've been trying to keep up my whole life. I've been working my butt off, trying to be good enough. But you wouldn't understand, because you're already good enough. I'm worthless."
"Nya—"
"And when I finally get a chance to prove I could be worthsomething to you guys, I screw it up so badly that I have to be dragon-lifted back home like I'm freaking comatose or something, and all anybody wants to say is how good I was—like total—oblivious—idiots—"
It is at this moment that Nya loses all control over the quivering knot of emotion in her chest and bursts into tears.
This is a scene she is always trying desperately to avoid. She has felt this traitorous instability for days now, maybe even weeks, but Nya fears crying almost as much as she fears failure. They are, in fact, almost neck-and-neck, practically the same thing.
Usually she can produce enough anger to override this sort of thing. Usually she's so much better at keeping her composure. She's so shocked at herself that she can't even think straight.
Kai, just as unfamiliar with this situation as Nya is, freezes momentarily in a panic similar to what might happen if someone had handed him an infant, which erupted in a tantrum immediately after landing in Kai's arms.
Nya can picture him grimacing, awkwardly returning the baby to its guardian. He's probably wishing he could hand her over to someone more qualified. Someone more equipped to navigate emotional outbursts.
"Geez, Nya…"
He shakes his head, reaching for the remote to turn the TV off. Nya sinks further into herself, assuming with certainty that he's about to retreat to some other, less turbulent corner of the monastery. But then Kai surprises her.
Extending his arms, he embraces her with such ferocity that Nya goes stiff and straight-backed.
It is a moment of overwhelming complexity, one of those times where, when feeling everything at once, only one response can make itself known and it's always the wrong response.
Nya is relieved and bone-tired and nostalgic and anxious—so, naturally, all she can think to do is give Kai a good, hard shove.
"Get off," she chokes out. "Just go."
Kai hugs her tighter and Nya cries with renewed intensity.
There is a stretch of wordlessness. Nya's shoulders droop and her muscles slacken where they were previously taut with frustration. One last time, she tries to get loose and finds herself trapped.
Kai holds the back of her head and Nya feels his jaw clench and unclench before he speaks.
"You—I just—" A sigh. "First Master, Nya. You were never worthless."
Nya squeezes her eyes shut and sees every possible instance in her life thus far that could prove him wrong.
She sees the two of them curled up in a single bed after the disappearance of their parents, when Nya was too young to understand or provide any sort of emotional relief.
She sees Kai collecting cuts and bruises, remnants of a fight she is not allowed to help him win. She sees her uncle pointing accusatory fingers, throwing dishware, kicking doors. She sees herself hiding in the closet. In the cupboards. In the abandoned barnhouse.
She sees Kai shouldering the family business. She sees him hunched over an anvil, over the stove, over the kitchen table. She sees him pushing his plate toward her, hears him say, "It's okay, I'm not really hungry."
She sees herself getting sick, tripping and falling, running off, making excuses, brooding in her room.
She sees herself being pulled away by the Skulkin, sees herself losing hope in an Underworld cell.
She sees herself right now, making a scene. Being a baby. Being a handful. Being a problem—
The repressed guilt of a whole decade comes boiling over her maximum capacity and Nya can barely breathe. She stops fighting Kai and clutches the back of his shirt. He rubs her back, letting her cry.
"C'mon, Nya," says Kai quietly. "What's goin' on?"
She shakes her head.
"We're supposed to be best friends, aren't we? You can tell me."
Nya would like to, but she's so consumed with gratitude that she can't even begin to put words together. Because Kai could have chosen to be angry with her, but he hadn't. He's the only one who speaks her language, and he knows she's not really mad at him. But he's going to let her be the one to say it.
FSM, she hates when he gets all older and wiser on her. And she loves it tremendously, too, because someone has to be logical right now.
Nya hiccups, feeling particularly vulnerable. Laboriously, she gulps down a breath.
When she says it, it's broken and barely above a whisper.
"I just wanted to be like you."
Kai laughs in a soft exhale of air. "Man. I want to be more like you."
Nya's eyebrows pull together as she backs up. The tears halt in the sheer disbelief of it all. "Stop."
"I'm serious." Kai looks down, smiling bittersweetly. "I've always seen it the other way around."
Now that her arms are free, Nya swipes a sleeve under her eyes. She's gonna have one hell of a headache after this.
"You're the one who's always been good at everything. Smart, a fast learner, quick on your feet."
"You're just saying that 'cause you feel bad."
"Are you kidding?" Kai gives her a piercing look. "I'm not just saying anything. You're, like, a genius or something. And I'm, what, a human bonfire?"
"Elemental powers are actually useful."
Kai frowns unhappily. "Look at me, would you?" Nya complies. "First of all, elemental powers aren't a measure of usefulness. And second of all, usefulness isn't something you should be measuring anyway.
"You're a person, okay? Not a machine. People aren't useful, they're valuable. And if—well—if I've ever made you feel anything other than valuable, that's my fault. I just don't want you to get hurt because you're too focused on being 'useful.' You're above that."
Nya hangs her head, wayward tears still streaking down. She feels small and naïve and called-out.
Her brother continues. "You don't have to prove anything. Not to the guys, not to Sensei, and especially not to me. If anyone knows what you're capable of, it's me. I just—I want you to be able to ease into it."
Lifting her eyes to him, Nya makes a face. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Kai leans back into the couch pillows, looking very old and very worn. Nya almost falls apart all over again.
"Nya…lemme make something clear. I never wanted to be a ninja."
The world seems to halt in a perfect portrait, which swiftly shatters into hundreds of glass shards. Nya blinks, aghast.
"What?"
Unaware of the halting and shattering, Kai stares fixedly at a spot above the television.
"I went with Sensei Wu because I wanted to get you back. That's it. Not because I was just dying to wave a sword around."
Nya has never considered that this might be the case. She'd known her rescue was the goal, but the rest of it…
With shame, Nya realizes she had never asked. All along, she'd assumed Kai jumped for the chance to be a hero.
"I didn't know that," she mumbles.
"Yeah. I think I actually told him no, at first. But, I mean—you were more important. We were short on time, though, and I never really—I never really felt ready."
Nya swallows. "Oh. Sorry."
"Don't be. We talked about this, it wasn't your fault. I'm glad it turned out this way and we have a new home and new friends and…everything. But if it were up to me…"
A loaded pause. Nya prompts, "If it were up to you…"
Kai shrugs. "If it were up to me, we'd be—running Four Weapons, like Dad would want. And we wouldn't be involved in this saving the world mess."
Nya feels blindsided. "But—I thought you liked all the ninja stuff, and the powers, and—"
"I do." Kai chews his tongue, choosing his words. "But—I dunno. If I could go back…"
"Would you change it?"
For half a second, it looks like he might actually say yes. But then he shakes his head to clear it, gazing fiercely at the floor.
"It's not worth wondering about. We can't go back. I'm just saying, I was trying to be optimistic and stuff. And I'm happy. But this wasn't my first choice. It was the right thing to do."
The right thing to do.
"Sorry," Nya says again.
Tilting his head in agitation, Kai glares at her. "Don't even go there, okay? You didn't cause this. It just happened this way. That's life. It's how the cookie crumbles."
Nya frowns, crossing her arms. "That's a stupid analogy."
"I know." Some silence. "I was scared today."
"I know. S—"
"Don't say sorry. Just—tell me one thing."
"Sure."
"Did you put up a good fight?"
Nya almost smiles. "I think so."
"Any battle scars to show for it?" He's teasing her now.
Come to think of it…
"Maybe," she says. "A Skulkin did push me down a hill."
Teasing Mode deactivated. "Uh—what?"
"Yeah, that's how I ended up on the river."
"Did you, I don't know, check for any bleeding afterwards?"
Nya tries to remember. Everything had happened so quickly after that, it's hard to recall. But she's pretty certain she never really gave it much thought.
Which means she probably looks like a mess. Hopefully the water washed most of the dirt out of her hair.
"There wasn't really any time," Nya admits. "What with all the fleeing and almost drowning."
Shaking his head in displeasure, Kai closes his eyes. "Let somebody check tonight, please. Okay? It doesn't have to be me, but, like—maybe Sensei, at least."
Normally Nya would argue with him about something like that, but considering the day's events, she opts for the path of least resistance.
"Okay."
"You swear?"
"I swear." She holds her pinky out and Kai locks it with his.
Kai's in Gentle Mode, something nobody sees very often, and Nya knows this is a privilege. She just feels bad about the circumstances.
"Sorry." She'd tried not to say it, but it slipped out anyway.
Kai gapes. "What're you sorry for?"
"For…" Nya halts, scrambling to think of something. All her excuses seem to have dispersed like vapor, chased away by reason. "I don't know."
When Kai laughs this time, it's a laugh of genuine amusement. "Nya. Can you promise me something?"
She rolls her eyes goodnaturedly. "What now?"
He grabs her arms, giving her a little shake. "Don't apologize for anything ever again."
This earns a smile, because Kai knows she won't be keeping that promise. But it lifts her spirits enough for a joke.
"Not even if I beat your speed record?"
Kai sobers. "I take it back. You'll have to apologize for that."
"If I beat it."
"When you do."
Nya sees the shining sincerity in his eyes and feels like giving him another hug—a happy one, this time. But that would exceed the sibling limit for affection in one evening, so she punches him on the shoulder instead.
"Love you, too," says Kai.
"Yeah, yeah."
oOo
A/N: Well, there you have it. Now that she's all out of apologies and more-or-less relieved of guilt (for now), we can move forward into more CANON! (You may now applaud.)
We have one more chapter of essential team bonding/plot momentum, and then our favorite green menace FINALLY ARRIVES! (Applaud louder!) Bear with me, everyone. I'm finishing up university this year (I feel old), so FSM only knows when the next upload will be. I do however pinky promise not to disappear for too long.
See you soon!
xoxo
saturn