Sirius is getting Seriously Serious!

by fvdv123

Old guy got transferred into a dog, just a swim away from Azkaban. Now he has to save his skin and rescue Harry, maybe find a Bitch or two. Cringe, Gary Stu, Tropes, All kinds of women... You know, the usual stuff I write about... A bit more nasty than usual. I use the free Grammarly, so... Yeah. It is fun to be a dog, though.

2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer:

Mrs. J.K., Love the books, disliked the movies, and hated your Epilogue. But… it made us write stories about how it should have been. For free of course.

Previous:

I grinned, "It is time to let the Grim bark!"

2 Barking Mad.

I went back to the Parlor, Harry was still there reading the books about the Fidelius, Blood Adoption, and the Godfather Oath. I sat down and poured a fresh cup of Tea.

"Before you tell me your story, let me tell you some of mine," I said to start the conversation, "I was groomed to be the proper Heir Black, a genuine Pure Blood going back thousands of years. Toujour Pure. Mother pounded that mantra into my head."

I smiled sadly, "She was suffocating me with all her propaganda, Muggles are beasts that should be exterminated, Mudbloods should never be allowed to Hogwarts… well, you get the picture. When I was nine, I slipped away from the backyard into the street. There I met up with a gang of boys from the neighborhood. For the first time in my life, I had fun, real fun."

"That was until Mother found out and she tried to beat the Mud out of my system. Her firstborn mingling with Muggles was a stain on her reputation. If the other Matrons found out, she would be the joke of the community. As a result, she became more fanatic and me more rebellious."

"Father took Mother's side, he Obliviated my friends and made them mistrust me. They avoided me from that day on. That started a cold war, Mother did everything to force me to be a Pure Blood, and I fought everything to spite her. Kreacher got ordered to punish me a lot."

I looked Harry in the eyes, "The only reason Grandfather did not kick me out of the Family was that I told everything to Aunt Dorea. If I kept silent, Grandfather would have believed Mother's lies about me."

I came to my point, "Dobby told me something about your relatives, I want you to tell me everything, no matter how embarrassing it may seem. If nobody knows, then nobody can do something about it. I know it is difficult to talk about it, but I have to know, Harry."

Harry swallowed, took a deep breath, and started his story about the abuse from his relatives, now and then I had to guide him to what I wanted to hear. The Cupboard, Harry hunting, No birthday or Christmas presents, hand me down clothes, beating for accidental magic and for doing better than Dudley in school.

When Hagrid came up, I asked, "Did you ever wonder why it was Hagrid that took you to Diagon Alley? Muggle-born and Muggle-raised children have to be guided by Professors. They explain everything in detail and point to books that Muggleborn needs to know about our world. The shopping list from Hogwarts is for all students. Did Hagrid take you to your Account manager?"

Harry looked puzzled, "What is an Account Manager? Why would I need one?"

I chuckled, "It is in the name, Harry. Rich clients have Managers who manage their money. I know that the Potters were about the same as us in wealth. We are in the top twenty of the richest Houses. That is something we need to check out. If Dumbledore appointed himself as your Magical Guardian he could have been robbing you from the first day. But continue your story."

When talked about the train station and the Weasleys, I asked, "Why in Merlin's name were the Weasleys at the Muggle side of the station? Every Magic family apparates or takes the Floo to the station. It is highly suspicious that Arthur Weasley would drive to London when it takes a few seconds to travel by Floo. Could it be they were asked to look out for you?"

Harry frowned, I clarified my point, "We know Dumbledore is manipulating your life. The Weasleys are loyal supporters of Dumbledore, Hagrid did not tell you how to get through the portal so the friendly Weasleys come to the rescue, putting you with the good crowd."

Harry's frown deepened, "On the train, Ron came into my compartment claiming everything was full. That was staged too?"

I nodded, "Probably, there used to be a thousand students going to Hogwarts, in my days there were about seven hundred, I don't know the numbers now, but that train should have a lot of empty compartments. I used them to make out with my girlfriends in my school days."

Malfoy was next, I explained, "It was a snotty approach from that boy, I know Lucius, he probably told that boy to make a connection, I guess you were still dressed in Dudley's hand-me-downs? I thought so. You dropped several layers down the food chain looking like that. Pure Blood empathized on social norms, dressing like a hobo will lower your influence."

I stopped his protest, "If you grew up with Me, Alice, or the other families listed in your Parents will, you would know how to dress, act, and talk properly. The Malfoy kid saw a boy dressed in rags and without a clue how to behave in the Magic World. All according to Dumbledore's plans."

The sorting, the Troll, the Dragon, Fluffy, Detention in the Forbidden Forest, Quirrell, every event was analyzed and discussed up till killing Quirrell. I had a hard time convincing him it was not his fault. Fucking Dumbledore messed it up well.

The summer in hell and the rescue of the twins made me ask, "How did they know where you lived? Or even what room you were in? Think about it, they are purebloods that fly across the country to your house, someone must have pointed it out and given them the idea."

Dumbledore no doubt, there is no other explanation for it. They even got the gear to pull the grill from the window, check your car, and see if you can do that. That and the fact that the Weasley parents ignore Harry's condition. Being starved for a month and a half leaves marks.

Anyway, flying to Hogwarts was next, Harry blushed when I named ten ways to get to Hogwarts without stealing the car, "Come on, Harry, they drive to the station, would you not think they want to drive the car back home? Why not wait until they come back? To me it is Ron who wants the attention, he has to shine, doing great deeds, to get out of the shadow of his brothers and yours."

Second year, the petrified students, Dobby, and Parseltongue, that last he was reluctant to expose.

I shrugged, "You can talk to snakes, Merlin and Paracelsus could too, in India they are popular to keep the snakes out of the villages. So what if Voldemort could speak Snake, I bet he could speak French, should we hate France too? It is just a language."

The polyjuice was discussed, "A second year Girl brew a NEWT potion in a girl's bathroom? A potion that needs a month to brew and can go wrong in a hundred ways? That girl is a keeper, Harry. A rule breaker, but a smart one."

The rest of the year, including the bullying and the other victims was put in perspective by me, until the Basilisk and his fight, "Wait a minute! Fawkes came with the Sorting hat? Where the fuck was Dumbledore? If Fawkes could be there, then Dumbledore could too."

At the end, Harry explained how he set Dobby free, and how he got shipped off to the Dursleys again, "That was when Dobby brought me food and took me here."

"Harry, I hate to say this, but Dumbledore is testing you. Somehow he is convinced that only Voldemort is able to kill you, and what you went through these two years confirmed it to him. Nobody survives a Basilisk on his own. That solidifies his conviction that you are the child of prophecy."

I thought for a minute, "He is planning to harvest that Basilisk, no doubt. Wait, let me try something. Can I have your wand for a moment?"

I stood up, raised Harry's wand, and proclaimed, "I Sirius Orion Black, Oath-bound Godfather of Harold James Potter, Claim the Carcass of the Basilisk at Hogwarts in Harold James Potter's name, to hold until he is of age! So Mote It Be!"

The claim stuck true, I grinned at Harry while I gave his wand back, "Even when they sell the carcass, they have to hand to money to you or be labeled as thieves. You killed it, you own it. Remember, Harry, it is the duty of the Lord to let the House grow. Call Dobby and ask if he can go into the Chamber of Secrets, he can harvest that snake with Penny."

Harry called out, "Dobby? Ah, Dobby, can you harvest that Basilisk in the Chamber of Secrets for me?"

Dobby concentrated, and finally said, "Dobby can, Master Harry Sir, What do Dobby do when old whiskers is cutting the Snake?"

I said "Wait until he sleeps and take it all away. We have rooms in the Dungeon with stasis charms to keep everything fresh. Ah wait for that! Dumbledore will find out if you do that. Keep an eye out where they store the carcas and the harvested products. Take it away if they are going to sell it."

I got Serious, "Now we are on the main topic, Harry. That Diary and Tom Riddle coming out of it. That is only possible by the darkest of Magic. No matter what Dumbledore might claim, the Wards of Hogwarts have told him about it, and he let it happen. Just like the Wards of this house tell me about the Dark objects in here. He chose to ignore it."

I explained what Horcruxes are and how they kept Voldemort alive, also what Voldemort left behind in his scar, "That rebounding curse made a connection between you and Tom, you told me that your scar hurt when you faced Quirrell in the Forbidden Forest and at the Mirror. We need to get rid of that connection."

I grinned, "It is Time Potter and Black kick some bony ass… ok that sounded better in my head. First of all, we need to keep your presence here a secret for as long as possible. Second, is to clear my name as fast as possible. Third, is to teach you the Wizarding customs and rules. No, make that Fourth, third is to get you some decent clothes. Penny will show you to your room, relax, read some books, explore the house but listen to Kreacher, there are some nasty creatures still here. The elves just started to clean the house."

Xxxxx

Rita Skeeter read her letter for a third time,

Hello Miss Water bug, this here is Sirius Orion Black.

Now don't be alarmed, I am good at keeping secrets, I only want one tiny little favor from you. Included in this letter is a text I want to see in the day after tomorrow's paper. WORD FOR WORD! Not a single letter out of place. And no, Miss Skeeter, I never was a Death Eater, those pricks in Azkaban thought it was funny to say I was one.

If you want a scoop, I'll give you one, write I am Lord Voldemort and Tom Marvolo Riddle on a piece of paper and connect the letters. You will see that Volly was a Muggleborn. A son of a squib and a Muggle Dad.

Word for Word, Rita, or the nation will go on a water bug hunt.

Rita Read the text and groaned, "How am I going to convince Barney to print this?"

Xxxxx

Amelia Bones read her letter for a third time,

Director Bones,

I am so disappointed in you, you let one of your Aurors locked up in Azkaban without a hearing or a trial! No, Amy, I was never put on trial, I was never convicted of a crime! You should have known I was innocent! You coached James and me for a bloody year! How many Death Eaters did James and I arrested? Were you not there when Alice and I swore our Godparent's Oath?

Is it a habit to shove Aurors in Azkaban without a trial, and let known Death Eaters go free with that ridiculous Imperio scam?

You are in for a spanking, Amy. Maybe your hands were tied back then, but you are the bloody Director now and did not move your ass for me!

Here are some facts, Amelia Bones. I convinced James to switch to another Secret Keeper when I noticed I was compromised. Only the one that cast the Fidelius can do that, Albus fucking Dumbledore cast that Fidelius, Amy!

Peter Pettigrew was James' Secret Keeper, when I hunted him down, he blew the gas pipe in the street, cut his finger, and ran away in his animagus form. He is a Rat, by the way.

Why did I leave Azkaban? No, I did not escape, only convicted criminals escaped prison. Fudge was gloating and gave me an edition of the Prophet, on the front page was the Weasley family with Peter Pettigrew on the shoulders of one of the boys.

Now tell me, does that boy go to Hogwarts? In the same dorm as my Godson? Most of all, does Dumbledore know about it? After all, he is an expert in Legilimence.

It is time you moved that pretty ass of yours, Amy, because if I have to act there will be corpses. I will not go to Hogwarts, Amy, I hope you will take action. Your Susan is the same age as Harry, you should care.

Yours, Lord Sirius Black, Auror, and due to a promotion I might say.

PS. The memory of our nights together kept me sane, Amy. I imagined spanking you all night.

"MOODY, RUFUS!"

Xxxxx

Sharpclaw looked at the elf in front of him and read his letter for a third time,

Account Manager Sharpclaw,

I just put my ring on my finger and am now Lord Black. For your information, I am not a Death Eater, nor did I betray the Potters, not that you would care either way. What should interest you is that I did not have a trial and therefore was not convicted.

That will not stop the idiots from trying to find me though. So it is obvious the bank is monitored. I suggest you make a house call. A new concept, I agree, but it could be a profitable one. On this letter is a drop of blood for identification only and the seal of my Lord Ring.

I understand the risk you are taking and offer a thousand Galleons as compensation, take it from my personal account. My elf volunteered to transport you to my place. We can discuss other profitable ventures here, like the carcass of a thousand-year-old Basilisk I happened to know.

May we stomp our enemies into a paste and let their widows feel what real warriors are!

Lord Sirius Orion Black.

Sharpclaw looked up at the elf and said, "Tomorrow at nine-thirty."

Penny nodded and popped away.

Xxxxx

Penny took Harry's and mine measurements and bought a set of wizarding clothes, we look presentable now, as long we don't go to the muggle world with it.

At his horrified look, I concluded that it was not his preferred style of clothing. I shrugged, "The underwear is nice, you have to admit at least that. I remember, there was a store with Muggle disguises, Penny will buy some for us if that makes you feel better."

Dobby is banned from buying clothes, his taste is too colorful. Penny is a gem, she kept both males in line and took over the household.

Harry told Penny, "I like to have some jeans, T-shirts, and sweaters with a hood. And some running shoes and socks, a jacket, and some winter clothes. No bright colors please."

"Penny will buy some and show Master Harry," said Penny, "then Penny will buy a lot of clothes and burn old ugly ones."

I stopped Penny, "No burning, Penny, we need those clothes as evidence to show how Harry was treated."

With a frown, Penny relented, "Penny will keep ugly clothes, Master." and popped away.

I faced Harry, "So, we deduced that your friend Ron was on a mission to be your friend, what about that girl Granger? Could she be a pawn of Dumbledore?"

Harry thought about it, finally, he said, "I doubt it, she is strict in following the rules and is honest. If Dumbledore asked her to spy on me she would have told me."

Harry added, "It is possible she is manipulated by him though, she thinks the professors know what is best for us. She thinks education is the most important, she once said, 'We could have been killed, worse we could have been expelled!'"

I chuckled, "And yet she brewed a NEWT potion in a bathroom, breaking several rules. But you are right, she can be manipulated if she trusts teachers blindly. Write her a letter, but don't tell her you left your relatives. She seems like a good friend to have."

I got Serious, "There is something that bothers me, Harry. Being petrified for so long can cause internal damage, was she examined by a healer in St Mungo's? The others? Why did they not call for the healers when the first one was petrified? The first boy was petrified for seven months!"

Harry shook his head, "I don't know, Sir. They told me they had to wait until the Mandrakes were fully grown to brew the potion."

"There is the crime, Harry," I explained to him, "Can't you see? Do you think Hogwarts is the only place in the world that grows Mandrakes? What kind of people let children be petrified for months when they just could have bought the Mandrakes from somewhere else? Those children lost months of education, and probably have organ damage."

Harry paled, "I have to write Hermione!" and he rushed off. A few seconds later he returned, "Umm, where is my trunk?"

I pointed at Dobby and the trunk, "Ask Dobby, he is in charge of your care, he can bring you your stationery if you ask him."

Dobby looked nervous, "Master Harry Sir needs to be in his room, Penny be there with clothes to fit. Penny be mad at Dobby if Dobby kept Master Harry Sir away from her."

I laughed out loud, Dobby is henpecked! I said to Harry, "Go to your room, Harry. There is a study area where you can write your letters."

While Harry is getting Muggle disguises, I called Kreacher, "Kreacher? Are there spare wands in the house?"

Kreacher nodded, "They be in the Lord's Office, Master. Kreacher will show."

That little bastard is being friendly, I wonder what turned him around, maybe I am not acting like Sirius. Kreacher showed me a hidden drawer with a bunch of old wands, I hoovered my hands over them to feel if one was friendly to me. Suddenly, one of them flew into my hand and made a connection.

That felt great! My whole body warmed up when the wand and I bonded, I don't care who it belonged to, now it is mine! It feels even better than my original wand!

Kreacher spoiled it for me, "That be Mistress Old Wand."

Crap! Mother's old wand? I am fucking cursed! "I need a drink to get over this, Kreacher."

A glass of Fire Whiskey appeared in front of me, before I could grab it, Penny took it away, "Master's stomach is not ready for this, Master." a fucking glass of milk was placed in front of me.

Fucking hell? Was she a Nanny Elf? What am I, a five-year-old? "Master be drinking his milk, it is good for Master's body." Penny stood next to me, tapping her feet on the floor. I swear I saw Kreacher grin!

Yeah, I better keep my head clear, Milk is good for me after all, I am not brown-beaten into drinking my milk by an Elf… at all. After drinking my milk I was time for a nap… I am going to sleep.

Xxxxx

At breakfast, I told Harry of the inbound visit of my Account Manager, "After we finish our milk, Sharpclaw, my Account Manager will visit here at nine-thirty. You have to be there too, it is time you learn about banking. You should dress wizard style for this. I know jeans are more comfortable, but you need to be a wizard for this to gain respect.

Harry was puzzled, "Why would my clothes define if I am respected or not?"

I explained, "To fit in, let me explain it with extremes, a Nudist walking in London naked, would he be respected? Or someone fully clothed on a Nudist beach? By dressing like a wizard you show to the people you accept them and want to be a part of the community."

I pointed out, "Goblins are traditionalists by necessity, only the wizarding world has Goblins, so they stick with it, they have nowhere else to go. Dressing as a Muggle makes them think you reject their ways. I know, it is all in their head."

"Fine, I'll change my clothes," caved Harry in, "I should have known they are touchy, with all those rebellions Bins is droning about."

Xxxxx

At exactly nine-thirty Penny popped into my office with Sharpclaw, I stood up and showed my empty hands, exposing my forearms to let him see I was unarmed and free of Voldy's Mark. I pointed to the chair before me.

"Please have a seat, Sharpclaw, we have a lot to discuss," was my opening line, then I surprised him, "May I introduce you to my Godson and Blood Adopted Son Heir Harold Potter? He is also known as Harry Potter or The Boy Who Lived."

Sharpclaw glanced at Harry, then he spoke up, "I was ready for everything, but admit this was not one of them. Lord Black, can you explain how Heir Potter and you got together?"

I nodded, "I found out that the real betrayer of James and Lily was hiding as a pet rat with the youngest son of the Weasleys, a boy that is in the same class and House as Harry."

"WHAT? Scabbers is Peter Pettigrew? Impossible! They had him for years!" shouted Harry.

"And real pet rats live at most two to four years, Harry," I tried to explain, "You told me Ron got that rat from his brother. I recognized Peter on Ron's shoulder when the Weasleys were in the paper after they won the grand raffle and planned a trip to Egypt."

I turned to Sharpclaw, "Fudge gave me the paper when he paid his yearly visit to Azkaban. That is why I got out of there. I called Kreacher and hired two more Elves, then they got me here. Dobby knew all about Harry and convinced me to rescue him from his relatives."

I got Serious, "I know the Ministry will not agree, but I am claiming Guardianship over Harry's financial matters, as my right as Godfather and Blood Adopted Father. I am willing to swear any oath you see fit to prove my case. But first, what can you tell me about House Black's finances?"

Sharpclaw handed me a stack of papers, "Arcturus Black died six years ago, Lord Malfoy claimed Regency in his son's name at the Ministry. We knew you appointed Heir Potter as your Heir Primary, and denied Lord Malfoy access to the Family Vaults, he is draining the trust vault of his son to the last knut every year."

Sharpclaw presented another stack of papers, "He also claimed all the properties of House Black for his son. We could not prevent it, he has the backing of the Ministry. In these six years, Lord Malfoy is draining those properties into his own. A lot of shops are empty husks."

"I see…" this was going to be messy, "I want to set our best lawyers… no, are they loyal to House Black or turned to Malfoy?"

Sharpclaw shrugged, "That are wizarding problems, although I can confirm that they have House Malfoy as a retainer too."

I sighed, "Well, I need a new lawyer, can you recommend someone, I am a bit out of touch, been away for thirteen years you know."

Sharpclaw apparently came prepared, he gave me a list with names, "I think you can scrap the top name of that list. Your best bet would be Theodore and Andromeda Tonks, or Howe & Dowey & Screwam."

Sharpclaw pointed to the first stack of papers, "All is not lost, Lord Black, Lord Malfoy borrowed a huge sum from House Black in Lady Malfoy's name, just after the Dark Lord got vanquished by Heir Potter and stopped payments after Lord Arcturus died."

Hmm, that is used in so much Fan Fiction that it is almost a classic. But it is understandable, that taking advantage of an old man is easy, people do that all the time.

"He must have used that money to bribe his ass out of Azkaban," I speculated, I looked up and made my first decision, "Go after it, Sharpclaw, with interest, penalties, and axes."

I took a deep breath, "My second decision is for you to let the Potter Account Manager know I took control of Harry's finances and demand a full audit of his finances from the day Harry was born. I can put it on paper that I suspect foul play by the Magical guardian that the Ministry unlawfully appointed for Harry. All vault keys have to be replaced, from House Potter and House Black."

I grinned, "Let's talk about a Basilisk, do the Goblin nation own a Pensieve?"

Sharpclaw nodded, "We do,"

I turned to Harry, "Harry, point your wand to your ear, think hard about the memory of the basilisk, from the point Lockhart tried to obliviate you to when Fawkes took you away, then think about making a copy of it then think of pulling it out of your ear with your wand."

It took a lot of tries, but Harry got it done, to be sure I took a copy too.

I handed my copy to Sharpclaw, "Contact me if you have any suggestions. I claimed the carcass in Harry's name. I bet Dumbledore will keep this quiet for a few years to let the rumors die out."

"Right, next order of business," I said, "I want to hire a team of Curse breakers, to cleanse this house. I want one with experience with Horcruxes. I believe there is one from Voldemort in the house."

"WHAT!? That fool made Horcruxes?" shouted Sharpclaw, "What madness did possess that man to create a Horcrux?"

I pointed to the memory, "Not Horcrux, but Horcruxes, as in multiple ones," then I pointed to Harry's scar, "I suspect that scar has a link with Voldemort too, so if that team of Curse breakers comes, I would appreciate it if a Healer came along… an all Goblin Team please. The sheep think I am a mass murderer."

Sharpclaw fumed, "We hoped that the madness ended with his death, show me that Horcrux, Lord Black.

Kreacher popped in with the Locket, "This be bad locket, Goblin. Master Reggy ordered Kreacher to destroy it, Kreacher could not."

I commented, "It would be nice if you could destroy the Horcrux without damaging the locket. If not, set Fiendfire on it. To open it you have to be a Parselmouth. It is Slytherin's Locket."

Sharpclaw came to his senses, "We need proper contracts for all your demands, Lord Black."

Sharpclaw left with a stack of contracts, my parting words, "Call for Penny if you want to contact me or visit here."

I turned to Harry and grinned, "That memory will set fire to their asses."

Harry shook his head, "Or they will think you are barking Mad."