Chapter 2 Troy

Harrowing details of how the abuse began but then Troy appears and he is her one bit of happiness apart from her brother Lyle.
But can it last?

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I can't remember a time since I was born when Dad wasn't fucking me one way or another.

When I'm about 6, he starts massaging me after swimming and tennis practice. At first it feels nice. He only touches my back, arms, head and shoulders and over my swimming costume but it's not long before his hands are slithering up and in between my legs now, over my flat chest and stomach. Then he insists I'm naked. Feeling up my non-existent breasts with their tiny nipples which he likes to mess around with for some reason.

My father starts using hot oil to massage me and it feels good. During these sessions, he's nice to me, doesn't say anything mean or hit me.

He strokes and rubs me all over and then insists I lie face up instead of stomach down. It's cosy and intimate.

But I don't want to for some reason, even then I must have sensed something was wrong about it that my father shouldn't be doing this…

I suddenly feel full of apprehension and fear and start to tremble.

Does he even notice?

Does he even care?

Then he slips an oil-covered finger in between my legs.

I gasp in pain and he immediately takes it out.

'Sorry.' He says as if it was an accident and smiles down at me but his teeth are like those of a shark. 'I didn't mean to hurt you.'

That's how I remember him as a child.

A shark.

After about 6 months, he decides I'm now ready for the next stage and now he deliberately fingers me not even pretending it isn't on purpose.

I can't describe the feelings or have a name for them but very occasionally he brings me to orgasm.

But mostly it hurts and it's uncomfortable.

Soon, he gets naked too and lies on his back and insists I massage him with the warm oil like he did me.

I'm not allowed to wear any clothes either.

The first time, I do his feet, legs and try to skip over to his stomach.

'No.' He says, grinning up at me and shading his face from the hot sun with his hand. 'There too.' He points at his penis which is standing up all by itself.

I instinctively recoil which doesn't make him happy. It's erect but I don't have a word for that either and no concept what it means. I look away, instinctively knowing is wrong and I'm very afraid but I don't know exactly what I fear which somehow makes it even worse.

'I don't want to!' 7-year-old childish me protests.

'Tough. This is what the Greeks and Romans did before they went into battle. They relaxed with one another like this and they bonded together.'

'No…but…Daddy..!'

He never usually beats me like he does Lyle and rarely uses his belt on me like he does frequently on my brother for virtually nothing but one angry look from him terrifies me.

'Do it!'

Then softer, 'Here, I'll help you. Show you how to do it so Daddy likes it.'

To my horror, he grabs my hand and puts it on him and guides me how to touch him just how he likes.

Then he closes his eyes and starts to moan.

As I move my hand, his thing starts to get more excited and after a while, suddenly there's a release all over our hands and his stomach.

'Get that towel over there and mop it up.'

I reluctantly follow his orders.

I feel dirty. My hand is filthy and I can't get it really clean no matter how many times I wipe it on the towel.

I frown and tremble with disgust.

After a short time, he starts to violates both my holes -my vagina and my anus except this time he just uses lube and his fingers for the former and prefers to stick objects like the toothbrush and shaving utensil brush in the latter.

Sometimes both at the same time. I tell him to stop because it hurts so much and he does.

When I'm 8, the massages mostly end except for a few special occasions or during what I call 'Nice Sex' later on which haven't happened yet and he decides I'm ready for the next stage 'Knees.'

I'm 9 when he first uses his mouth and tongue on me.

Inside me. Both holes. He calls it 'a naked mouth massage'.

I'm very scared and try to pull away but he slaps me hard and tells me he'll do something worse if I don't let him.

I'm not completely sure what the worse thing is but I'm terrified nonetheless.

He has changed from before – less patient and understanding. Back to his old, mean self.

So, he never meant the nice things he said to me like 'I love you' and 'You're part of the family'.

I hate it that when he starts getting into it, I can feel this pressure and weird feeling build up and suddenly it's a nice feeling - a kind of release of pleasure when he uses his mouth and tongue on me.

I orgasm this way and it's from my own father.

I hate that he has this power over my own body to get this reaction. I think it's my fault.

I believe that I want this, just like he tells me I do.

After he's done it to me a few times, he demands me to return the favor. He forces me down on my knees.

'Kneel on the bed'. He barks at me like I'm a dog.

He forces my head into him and tells me what to do with my mouth. Guides my movements so that I can do it just the right way to please him.

I gag and push him away. 'No!'

'You dare to say 'No' to me, your father?' He glares at me.

'Please Daddy. I can't breathe.' He's too big for my little 10-year-old mouth.

'Well, that's why I'm showing you how to do it properly.' He goes to grab my head again.

'But I don't want to, Daddy.'

His countenance darkens and I recoil in fear. I think he's going to hit or beat me but he doesn't.

'Don't you dare move!' He leaves the room and comes back with the hard -core pornography tape out with a gang rape on it or at least a simulated one. Anyway, the girl is screaming and not in a good way and there's about a dozen guys on top of her.

I don't really understand but I can see their penises just like dad's and they're using them to hurt her. Shoving them into all 3 of her holes at the same time. It gives me night terrors for months. I wet the bed for years afterwards and get punished for it.

My horror is compounded by the fact he's having me sit in his lap and he's naked while we watch this. Mercifully, he let me keep on my panties but I can feel his thing squirming and moving underneath me as we watch the tape. I started calling it his 'snake' in my head long ago and I try to look away but he forces me to watch by holding my head firmly fixed in place.

'Look!' He orders me harshly.

His snake has a life of its own and I'm scared. 'Now, this is what bad little girls like you who don't do what their daddies say get.'

And just in case I hadn't understood his threat fully enough, he grabs my arm and hisses in my ear. 'This is what I'll do to you if you ever say 'No' to me again'. He pants his words out, clearly distracted.

His thing underneath me goes crazy into spasm and shoots some disgusting fluid out beneath me.

Later, when he finally lets me go, I see all this white stuff all over the back of my skirt.

I throw it away in disgust and vomit in the toilet just like I do every time he forces me to give him an 'naked oral massage'.

Scroll forward to 8th grade and something happier. His name is Troy and he's the new kid on the block. He's moved recently from some place far away into our exclusive Beverly Hills postcode area 90210.

He doesn't have our accent but that only adds to the allure and mystery shrouding him.

His voice is Southern with a lilt and soft like his brown eyes that match his light brown skin and spiked up hair. He's tall and slender – a skater kid.

There's something different about him, exotic even, and all my friends moon dreamy eyed over him. But he chooses skinny, shy me for some reason.

He's gentle and has a quiet but resonant voice, different from most of the rat pack where we live. But he knows how to fight and is no door mat for anyone by any means.

But he never starts them.

My friends all watch jealously as he courts me. First by sharing his lunch with me in a discreet corner of the tennis courts unseen by the other students except our little circle. Then by giving me little tokens and trinkets such as a small diamond ring and pearl drop earrings in a cute little blue box with a bow. They're all sworn to secrecy for obvious reasons.

I go round his house a lot but soon run out of excuses why he can't go to mine. It gets a little embarrassing but he and his parents seem to understand without prying into it.

We're in the car park, my 6pm curfew is fast approaching and I'll know I'll be punished but I just don't care.

Troy has me pinned and leans in to kiss me.

Feeling trapped, I murmur 'No' and swing us round so he's the one pressed against the wall.

Much safer that way.

'Sorry', he says. 'May I kiss you now?'

I look into his eyes for a hint of mockery or scorn.

But there are none.

I nod. His lips meet mine, then our tongues and it feels nice.

Safe.

He puts his arms around me and just strokes my back when we go in for the second round. He never tries to go too far and cross my boundaries.

I feel completely safe with him. Feeling safe at home is a completely alien concept to me, except with my brother.

'Come back to mine? My parents and little brother and sister are out down the pizza parlour tonight.' He adds, 'We don't have to do anything, we can just kiss or do nothing and play video games…'

'Yes. I want to.'

We end up having sex but I'm on top and I insist the lights are off in his bedroom. I never told him about my father but he knows I need reassurance. He strokes my back even before I start to move to make him moan.

He reaches around to play with my breasts so I get more stimulation. Pinching my nipples hard like I like.

I arch my back and ride him faster, trying to keep my own cries quiet.

He grips my hips and we both climax at the at the same time.

I get off him and he pulls me gently to his side. This time, I'm not disgusted by his fluids I know must be inside me and my brown hair- a lighter shade than my brother's - is splayed out all over his chest where I know it will tickle him. I'm not even worried about getting pregnant and I feel no urge to vomit.

Happy, I laugh softly.

We lie there in silence as I can hear his hammering heartbeat slowly start to come down and his breathing slow.

Finally, he speaks. 'Wow! That was amazing. I can't believe it's your first time.'

I smile in the dark but it quickly turns into a grimace where he can't see it.

He asks me for permission for nearly everything we do except kissing me.

Some girls may find that a turnoff and just want him to take control.

But not for me.

'Where you have been?' My parents are waiting for me at the door.

I try to brush past them but my dad grabs my arm. I panic and dare to lash out.

'Get off me!' I yell and he actually lets me go but not without a face like thunder.

Uh oh! I'm in for it now but talking back to him for once felt liberating.

'Do you want some dinner?' Mom asks.

I stare at her in disbelief. Since when does she care about whether I eat or starve for days? Whether I puke it back up or not?

'No, she doesn't deserve any. Go to your room and I'll be with you in a minute, Erika!'

Ice flows into my veins and I feel my legs on the verge of giving away. I know what it means when my father says that and what my punishment for breaking my curfew will be.

Later on, I smile though and play dead while he rapes me.

He pauses in his disgusting grunts and moans to touch my face and tilt it up tenderly. 'What the hell do you have to be so happy about? You finally starting to enjoy the sex?'

Sick fuck even looks pleased when I know he prefers to inflict pain on us.

I learnt a new word the other day. S-A-D-I-S-T spells sadist.

I don't answer him but my smile grows wider at my secret joke because in my mind, it wasn't my dad who just touched my face and spoke to me, who's inside me - it's my secret boyfriend Troy.

This is how I escape my father during the sex.

But that was 'nice sex' what I called it in my mind, not 'rough sex with dad' when he was angry about something else and wanted to take it out me.

That was much harder to pretend it wasn't happening.