Beginning Note:

kakashi's POV! wow what a big ball of angst...

Despite Konoha's status as the Land of Fire, the forest air was refreshingly cool as Kakashi flung himself between the trees. He'd gone for a two-hour run, wanting to work off the heaviness clinging to his every breath (and forget everything through sheer weariness).

Kakashi's plans derail on his way to his apartment, when he spots Obito stumbling through the streets alone and black-out drunk. Fighting an internal war he inevitably loses, he curses himself even as he drops down next to the Uchiha. He won't remember anything in the morning, Kakashi guiltily justifies in his head.

Even uncoordinated as hell, Obito still has enough sense as a shinobi to glare at Kakashi for a few seconds, verifying his identity before relaxing. Unfortunately for the silver-haired shinobi, "relaxing" meant "throw all of my weight onto Kakashi". Sighing and throwing one of Obito's arms over his shoulder, Kakashi begins the long and arduous journey to the other's apartment.

One-handedly opening the entrance seals was hardly difficult, seeing as he had done it dozens of times. Every time Obito drinks himself stupid, Kakashi is somehow the one responsible for getting him home; based on the knowing glances that the other jounin keep throwing at him, he suspects foul play.

Dumping Obito on his ragged couch, Kakashi runs through his typical "drunk-Obito routine" before he begins efficiently stripping him out of uniform. Obito grumbles, but seems content enough to let him work. After peeling off the standard shinobi-wear pants, Kakashi carefully lifts his now lightly dozing friend, gently carrying Obito over to and placing him on his bed. The other jounin mutters a few words incoherently into his blanket.

Kakashi remembers laying there only two months ago, his mind seemingly intent on torturing him. …I could stay. If I could just…

Become someone else.

"Not like you," Obito had told him. Not like me. Someone like Sukea, who isn't a shinobi, who stays safe, who doesn't have a shared past with him.

Obito shifts around on the bed, drawing Kakashi out of his thoughts. Frowning, Kakashi adjusts the sheets tucked around Obito's shoulders, inadvertently getting close enough to catch the muttering coming out of his mouth.

The movement of Obito's plush lips distracts him for a moment, before the words register in his mind.

"...Suke—"

Kakashi stands up abruptly.

He doesn't look at Obito's peaceful expression as he makes his way to Obito's door. Letting himself out and resetting the wards, Kakashi goes back to his own apartment.

It's not like Obito hasn't liked other people before.

The most memorable, of course, is Rin. If they hadn't been so young, he would have classified Obito's feelings as love. Even when it hurts to think of her at all, Kakashi still remembers his teammate's hopeless doe eyes in her direction, how he would fight for her attention, and the way he had lost his mind at her death.

In the years since, Obito's been through several dates and even more hookups. Their features and gender vary, ranging from busty blondes to bulky red-haired men. Kakashi carefully keeps track, and always breathes a sigh of relief when Obito never likes someone enough for a long-term relationship.

(His disguise as Sukea has brown hair and purple markings. For just one night, he selfishly wanted Obito to look at him like he had looked at Rin. He isn't sure if it worked.)

Even so, it's certainly the first time Obito has liked someone so close yet so far to Kakashi himself. Dolled up as Sukea, Kakashi had practically thrown himself into Obito's arms. It had been, all at once, the best and the worst decision of his entire life. The stark difference in what Obito prefers in his partners and who he really is has never been more apparent.

And beyond that, he now knows exactly how Obito takes his partners to bed, the way he kisses and the sounds of his choked off groans. He can intimately imagine the way calloused fingertips drag down his sides and how scarred flesh feels under his desperately clenching hands, uncontrollable moans forced from his mouth with every one of Obito's punishing thrusts—

Fuck. Kakashi flips over onto his front and tries to smother himself in his pillow rather unsuccessfully. Ever since his tryst with Obito, both his waking and sleeping hours have been plagued with visions of that night. Despite Kakashi's best efforts to suppress the sheer force of want rushing through him, his body inevitably betrays his control.

Keeping his face firmly pressed into the pillowcase, Kakashi reaches downward. Over the course of several torturous nights, he's learned that it's better to just get it over with. At least then he has a chance at dreamless sleep, however unlikely.

Muffling his sounds, Kakashi finishes with a gasp. He rolls off his mattress, makes his way to the bathroom on shaky legs, and washes his hands when he recalls—

Obito hovering above him, eyes warm with intent. "Sukea—!"

…Oh.

Right.

As Kakashi makes his way back to bed and collapses onto the covers, a vision of Obito's trusting, sleeping face suddenly swims across his mind. A torrent of guilt builds in his chest, whirling and spinning until he wants to throw up.

When Obito inevitably realizes that Sukea is a fraud, he's going to be devastated that his new friend turned out to be someone so twisted. And if he knew who he really was in the first place, Obito wouldn't even have given him a chance.

There's really no way around it: he took advantage of Obito's trust, used him, and is now getting off to the memory of him. Kakashi is a terrible person and an even worse friend—and he knows that, he really does, but who in the world could possibly resist Obito's magnetic pull? Who could possibly stop themself from doing anything just to see another hint of the spark in Obito's eyes directed at him?

Certainly only better men than him.

For all that he can't stay away no matter what face he wears, Obito clearly doesn't feel the same way. Kakashi can't offer anything that Sukea does: a kind conversation, a non-shinobi perspective, or even a pretty face to fuck.

A cold personality and a useless body—no wonder Obito isn't interested.

He curls up on top of his sheets, too tired and uncaring to even crawl under them. If Kakashi wraps his arms around himself, he can even imagine that Obito wants to hold him again.

…Who is he even kidding?

I'm pathetic.

But Kakashi is used to lying to himself, and if he tries hard enough, he can pretend that nothing wet runs down the side of his face as he falls into a troubled sleep.

Obito's head is pounding, holy shit.

Stumbling to his feet, he heads toward his cabinet for the sweet release of painkillers, only to startle when he realizes a small pill bottle has already been placed on his bed stand. Swiveling his head suspiciously, Obito only relaxes when he notices the folded clothing on the floor.

Despite all of Kakashi's complaints, he always brings Obito home. It's happened so often that Obito has memorized the mornings after: his uniform is folded carefully on the floor, there's some kind of painkiller in his room, and Kakashi is never around.

Mentally thanking his friend, Obito debates swallowing the pills dry before deciding that he would probably choke or die. Wincing every few steps, he makes his way to the kitchen before chugging three down with tap water, sacrificing hygiene and dignity for faster relief. His Mokuton can take care of any potential infections anyways.

(Huh. Why doesn't his Mokuton take care of his hangovers? Something to ask Hashirama in the afterlife.)

A few minutes later, Obito's headache has receded enough for him to pull out a fresh uniform and get properly dressed. Scowling at the brightly lit afternoon sky, Obito heads out to grab lunch. He's sure he'll feel better after getting some food in his stomach.

Instead of his usual jaunty stroll, Obito frowns at the floor. He doesn't remember much about last night, but he does recall Kakashi leaving abruptly. It can't have been that serious if he still helped me home, right? Obito ponders, still worried. I'll ask him about it later.

Just as he's about to enter Ichiraku's, a familiarly painted face appears at the edge of his periphery. Spinning around, Obito lets a grin form on his face as he greets Sukea. The presence of the photographer has already brightened his day.

"Sukea! Fancy seeing you around here," Obito manages to say without stumbling over his words. He pats himself on the back for the accomplishment, considering his head still feels slightly fuzzy (hard to say if it's because of the hangover or because of Sukea's presence).

"Obito-san," Sukea responds politely, looking far more put together than Obito feels. "How are you today?"

Seeing no point in lying, Obito takes the last few steps into Ichiraku's, sitting down and gesturing for Sukea to join him. "Like shit," He says bluntly, chuckling a bit as Sukea winces in sympathy. "Have a killer hangover, but at least the painkillers are kicking in."

"Ah, I know," Sukea says, still smiling. (It's vaguely familiar, but why? …Probably because he's seen him so many times in the past few weeks.) "I saw you last night."

"...You saw?" Obito almost doesn't want to know, but he figures he should at least ask for some elaboration on exactly how badly he humiliated himself.

Sukea giggles. …That's not a good sign. "Well, you were certainly a sight when stumbling home, though I can't claim to have been at the bar where you were drinking." The smile he wears is now a bit sly and undoubtedly familiar to Obito.

"Don't tease," Obito pouts, eliciting another giggle. But what Sukea just said… "You saw me going back to my place, huh? Did you see who was with me?" Every time he confronts Kakashi about his help, the silver-haired jounin always finds a way to avoid the topic and slip away. It'd be nice to get some outside confirmation.

"Well, actually…" Sukea seems to debate with himself for a bit before smiling up at him. "I was the one who brought you back."

…

What?

That can't be true. He knows Kakashi's typical routine, and he's been experiencing it since way before he ever met Sukea. On the other hand, Sukea has no reason to lie, and no way to benefit from this—unless Sukea was just trying to gain his trust more. But why gamble that on something so easy to disprove?

Sukea is great company. Obito won't deny that he hasn't enjoyed their time together, talking about random things that he would never hear about otherwise.

Despite this, Obito is a shinobi. He has always been, first and foremost.

That's why even though his friends tease him about Sukea, he would never try to pursue a real relationship: Sukea would simply be in too much danger. Additionally, civilians rarely fully comprehend the duty and sacrifice that comes with the life of a ninja, even when they appear understanding at first.

So as a shinobi, Obito trusts his gut—and his gut is telling him something is wrong here. Sukea isn't telling the full truth about what happened yesterday night, and Obito intends to find out why.

Sukea has noticed Obito's uncharacteristic silence by now, and takes on a concerned look. "Obito? If I made you uncomfortable, I'm sorry—I shouldn't have been so presumptuous. I just thought, I already know where you live, and you know…" Sukea scratches the back of his neck sheepishly.

"No, no, it's fine," Obito assures. "I was just thinking of some things. Thank you for taking such good care of me." Sukea visibly relaxes, losing his nervous stature.

"No problem. Let's order some ramen, hm?" At those words, Teuchi suddenly appears, Sukea readily rattling off his typical order.

Well. Obito studies Sukea's side profile with consideration.

…It's not stalking, it's following him amicably from Kamui. And it's for a good cause!

The solution to his problems, Kakashi had decided, was to give Obito a proper goodbye.

Sukea will tell Obito he has a long-term job in another country. They'll say their goodbyes, and then Kakashi can permanently retire his disguise by burning everything from his wig to his contacts with a well-placed katon.

At least, that's the plan until he runs into Obito the next morning, upon which he forgets his script and fucks up his words like he always does, and then scurries back to his apartment with his metaphorical tail between his legs. Cursing himself as he stumbles into his apartment, Kakashi glowers as he rips off his wig. Storming into his bathroom, he throws away his contacts and wipes off the purple makeup aggressively.

Why can't I just do what I have to?

He knows Obito wouldn't have liked Kakashi as himself bringing him to his apartment, but it was stupid to use Sukea to claim his own actions. The first rule of espionage is to keep your identities separate. But Obito always has a way of bringing out the hidden parts of his mind, and apparently those hidden parts don't have a grasp over genin-level disguise techniques.

Shucking off his trenchcoat and Sukea clothing, Kakashi quickly changes into his loungewear (which is really just part of his ANBU uniform. It's sad, he knows), ready to drop into bed despite being awake for less than three hours.

Only the whisper of familiar chakra prevents him from stabbing the intruder in the neck.

Instead, Kakashi gets slammed into the wall. He grunts in surprise, looking up at Obito, who had stepped out of a familiar Kamui swirl and was now pinning him in place. "Hey, Sukea. Or should I say Kakashi?" The words are snarled aggressively, the visible parts of Obito's face twisted in an accusing glare.

"...Obito." Kakashi's voice does not shake, but his hands clench tight enough to turn his knuckles white at his sides. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck—

"You—" The anger in Obito's lone eye burns bright for two seconds, before it closes off tightly. "You took it way too far. Was it funny, seeing me act like a joke in front of 'Sukea'? Fuck you, you asshole." Releasing Kakashi from his position on the wall, Obito turns around. "And I actually liked him. Why the fuck would you— you— that was cruel, Kakashi." Horrifyingly, Obito's voice breaks during his tirade, and Kakashi realizes why he's facing the other way: he's trying to hide his tears.

The air begins to spiral, indicating an imminent Kamui. Kakashi's eyes widen in desperation. "No, Obito— wait! You have it all wrong! I—" Obito spins and freezes his words in his throat with a single icy look.

"You what, Kakashi? What could you possibly get out of fucking with my love life? Making fun of me?" Kakashi shakes his head, unable to speak from sheer panic. "I mean, I thought we were friends, damnit!"

"We are! Obito, wait, I'm sorry!" He forces the words through his mouth despite his tongue feeling like lead. A thump echoes through the room as Kakashi drops to his knees. "I didn't do it to make fun of you, I swear! I just— I'm sorry, I didn't mean to— I mean, I just wanted to—" Obito seems to be shocked silent, but at least he isn't leaving anymore.

He deserves the truth. The whole truth. Even so, he's allowed some cowardice, he thinks, if he's going to do this. Kakashi doesn't want to see Obito's face, whether it's filled with disgust or hate. It's better if I just stare at the floor.

"...I wanted to be with you at least once," Kakashi confesses, hands going numb with a mix of fear and adrenaline. The sensation reminds him of bleeding out from blood loss. "And I— you— I took advantage of you. I'm sorry. I know you don't want me and I did it anyways and I— I understand if you don't want to be friends anymore, but I'll stop loving you if you just give me time and I promise I'll stop, so—"

He's stammering, mumbling and rushing his words—but anything is better than Obito thinking Kakashi hates him, even Obito hating him in return. His chest hurts, like someone tried to vacuum the air from inside his lungs and crumple his ribcage at the same time.

A brief silence rings out after Kakashi cuts himself off, his ragged breathing the only sound left in the apartment. "...Say that again?" Obito demands, taking a step closer. Kakashi laughs hysterically in his own head. And you call me cruel, Obito. To ask this of me—

But Kakashi would do anything for Obito, and that includes tearing out his own heart and handing it to him on a silver platter, all while expecting it to be dissected mercilessly the next second. His enemies call him Konoha's bitch, but the only man whose every word he heeds stands in front of him now.

"...I love you, Obito. I'm sorry—" Kakashi's throat closes up again when Obito is suddenly standing right in front of his kneeling form. He swallows, mouth dry of saliva, and keeps his eyes on the floor.

Kakashi is an excellent shinobi. He's faced down enemies twice his size, assassinated hundreds of targets, and lived through a war. He does not hesitate and never flinches. Most of those days, he's thankful for Obito's gift, the Sharingan's eidetic memory becoming an advantage on the battlefield.

As his perpetually active Sharingan memorizes the dust particles on the hardwood floor of his apartment, he realizes that by stepping closer, Obito is preparing for a close-range attack, to punch him or kick him or slap him. I deserve it, Kakashi reasons. This is nothing, it doesn't matter, I've gone through worse. His chest aches, and aches, and aches—

When Obito leans down, Kakashi does not flinch, but instead closes his left eye.

He doesn't want this image to be immortalized in his memories.

(He knows he'll be seeing it in his nightmares anyways.)

Ending Note:

just a bit of a cliffhanger at the end :) let's see obito's thoughts in the next chapter!