"Crawling in my skin
These wounds; they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real."
"Crawling" Linkin Park
Harry set up his cauldron and found the necessary ingredients laid out for him already. His nose twitched at the scent of the aconite plant, and he knew he would have to expect the unpleasantness that would come when he had to add the stem to his cauldron in the final step. Hopefully, he won't pass out this time. He began working on preparing some of his ingredients while he waited for the water in the cauldron to boil.
Severus had disappeared into the storage closet, leaving Harry alone to complete the task. He wondered what the sleep aid would be like. He remembered reading how certain sleep aid potions, particularly Dreamless Sleep, could be very addictive. Was this simply a diluted version of that kind of potion? He did not recall any of his dreams if he had had any, but that did not mean much.
A thud in the back of the classroom caught Harry's attention.
He snapped his head in its direction, frowning at the noise. When nothing happened for a few minutes, he looked back at his workstation, checking the progress of his boiling water before returning to chopping.
Another thud.
Harry paused once more, looking back again. Severus was still in the supply closet, so he couldn't be making the noises coming from the back of the room. Harry narrowed his eyes as he watched one of the cabinets open slightly before thumping shut once more.
So that's where the noise was coming from.
Harry turned the fire down on his cauldron, then slowly walked toward the cabinet that had opened and closed on its own. His first thought was that Peeves was messing with him, and he made a face as he paused in front of the cabinet. He hesitated for only a moment before he yanked the cabinet door open.
Empty darkness.
Then, a chain shot out of the cabinet and wrapped itself around one of Harry's wrists, and he jerked back, but found himself unable to go far as another chain lashed out and grabbed his other wrist.
"Hey, let go!" Harry cried, yanking against the clanking metal.
A panel of thick wire slapped itself on the ground, followed by another, then another, as if a cage was building itself right in front of Harry, growing taller and wider as more panels connected themselves together.
Harry's eyes widened and he renewed his efforts to get away, yanking and pulling against the chains that tightened around his wrists, then they dragged him closer to the cage.
"No!" Harry yelled. "Stop, let go of me!"
Harry threw himself backward, his back slapping against the cold floor, but it did not loosen the grip on the chains. Instead, another chain shackled itself to Harry's ankle and assisted in dragging Harry toward the cage.
"Help!" Harry shouted, hoping someone would stop this torture.
"Potter!" Severus's voice yelled. Harry saw Severus step into the room, wand out, as he approached the cage. "It's just a boggart. Grab your wand. You can banish it."
Harry fought against the chains to reach for his wand, but when he felt another tug against his wrists and ankle, dragging him closer to the cage, he panicked once more and tried to back crawl away.
"I can't . . ." Harry said. "I can't . . ."
"I can not change your fear, Potter. It doesn't work that way. The boggart is attacking you. You must banish it."
Harry felt the world around him growing darker, and he could hear the locks clicking into place, trapping him within an invisible cage while the rusty, metallic monstrosity in front of him drew closer and closer. He looked away from it and closed his eyes, trying to mentally block out everything that was happening around him.
"Potter . . ." Severus began to say but as he took in Harry's frightened state, he sighed exasperatedly before he stepped over Harry, staring directly at the cage. Harry peeked an eye open and watched as the cage seemed to rattle and twist in shape.
The rusty metal turned into gray fur while the chains formed large paws with thick, black claws. A face began to morph from the wires, creating a very scarred wolf with red eyes and bristled fur. A werewolf.
Harry sucked in a breath and crawled back a bit.
The wolf snarled as it stalked closer to Severus, who raised his wand and shouted, "Riddikulus!"
The wolf yelped as the spell hit it, and it shrunk down into a yellow, spotted puppy that rolled around on the floor repeatedly, wriggling around as if asking for belly rubs. The puppy suddenly jumped up to its feet and scampered back for the cabinet, the door closing behind it.
Severus lowered his wand and turned to face Harry, who was staring wide eyed at the cabinet door.
"Potter," Severus asked, "are you alright?"
"Your biggest fear," Harry whispered, "is werewolves? Your biggest fear . . . is me?"
"No, Potter," Severus said, shaking his head, "I am not afraid of you—"
Harry's eyes suddenly had a more wolfish glow and his teeth appeared the slightest bit sharper as the young boy jumped to his feet and lunged at Severus with a snarl. Severus jumped back, his wand instinctively rising and pointing itself directly at Harry's chest.
Harry's face lost the wolfish features and adopted a more crestfallen look.
"You are afraid of me," Harry murmured.
"Well, when you do bloody shit like that," Severus growled, lowering his wand.
"Why would you become a guardian to something you fear?" Harry asked. "Were you actually planning on helping me or was this just another ruse to expel me from Hogwarts for good? You never actually cared about me—you were pretending!"
"Potter," Severus began again, but he was unable to find the right words. So, instead, he unbuttoned his teaching robe, then pulled his grey undershirt loose from where it was tucked in his trousers and pulled it up to his underarms, stopping there and closing his eyes at Harry's gasp.
Harry had been confused at first when Severus had pulled his shirt loose, but when four jagged scars revealed themselves, Harry froze, gasping at the sight. The scars were thick and raised, traveling across Severus's left ribcage, the very last scar ending just above his umbilical scar. Harry took a few steps closer, unable to stop staring at the clear werewolf marks.
"Are these . . ."
"Just scratches," Severus said. "But, like bites, they scar. Permanently."
"How did you get them?" Harry asked.
"It was during my fifth year here. A student who attended the school, the same one who has turned you, did this to me one night."
"The same . . . he's attacked before?"
"Unfortunately."
"And he was allowed to come back?"
"The headmaster has a strong belief in second chances."
Harry met Severus's eyes with a look of bewilderment, but his eyes strayed to Severus's scars on his ribs. Harry slowly reached up a hand, the consideration to feel the marks clear in his eyes, but he decided against it and dropped his hand to his own shoulder, rubbing gently. Severus lowered his undershirt, tucking it back into his trousers.
"My fear of werewolves goes beyond your transformation," Severus said. "It is something I continue to work on, but as you can see, I am a bit biased. My experiences with werewolves have taught me to be so."
"We are just monsters," Harry muttered, his eyes downcast, his hand rubbing deeper into the scars marred on his shoulder.
"No," Severus said quickly, shocking himself. "There is a beast within you, yes. But it can be tamed. It can be controlled."
"With the Wolfsbane," Harry said sadly.
"Afraid so." Severus agreed. "It is the only thing proven effective. Regardless, Harry, I do not fear you. I want you to understand that."
Harry was silent for a long moment as he continued to rub his shoulder before his hand dropped and he looked at the cabinet curiously.
"Why did it look like that?" Harry asked. "Your boggart? That's not what Remus's wolf looked like."
"Fears are often our mind's worst creations. I suppose that is mine. Since I am being honest with you, can I ask you a personal question?"
"I guess," Harry said, shrugging his shoulder.
"Why is your greatest fear a cage?" Severus asked.
Harry swallowed dryly, closing his eyes as the noises of a door slamming shut with locks being put in place sounded around him.
"I don't want to be locked away again," he said. "I'm not a freak. I don't want to be a monster."
"Locked away again?" Severus reiterated. "When were you locked away?"
"All the time," Harry said. "In my cupboard under the stairs. In Dudley's second bedroom. I'm always being locked away. I don't want that to happen here. I like Hogwarts."
"Your relatives locked you in a cupboard? When was this?"
"It was my bedroom as a child," Harry said. "They locked me in there whenever they didn't want to deal with me. Sometimes, for whole weekends."
Severus's face was unreadable, and for some reason, that made it easier for Harry to keep talking.
"Then during the summer before my second year, they locked me in Dudley's bedroom. They even put bars on my window so I couldn't escape or send Hedwig anywhere. She nearly starved. Aunt Petunia would only feed me soup through a cat flap and let me out once a day for a bathroom break."
Harry bit back a flood of tears that were trying to well in his eyes.
"Now I'm a monster. You're going to lock me away."
"You will be behind a safe wall," Severus said gently. "For your protection and the protection of those around you. You will not be locked away in the manner your relatives did to you. That was very wrong of your relatives to do. I will not allow that to happen now."
Harry shrugged his shoulder, not ready to believe those words only to be betrayed later. He would never allow himself to be vulnerable in such a way again if he could help it. He heard Severus sigh, then the professor looked over at Harry's workstation before flicking his wand and banishing the supplies, leaving an empty clean cauldron behind.
"Hey, what about my grade?" Harry asked. "I have to make the potion."
"Consider it complete," Severus said dryly. "You've passed. I was thinking now would be a good time to begin a patronus lesson."
"Really?" Harry asked, a grin stretching across his face against his will.
Harry studied the small vial of sleep aid later that night as he settled into bed. The patronus lesson had been a bit disappointing, but Severus had promised another lesson soon. All they did was discuss where Remus had left off and how much progress Harry had made. Severus believed the exposure approach was both mentally and physically draining and would take far too long to appropriately master the charm. Instead, Severus wanted Harry to really focus on his happy memory, become as immersed into it as possible, to learn the sensations and feelings of what it really meant to him. Once he mastered that, he would be able to project those feelings into the charm.
So, basically, he needed to meditate and daydream.
Some advice. Harry figured he would give it a try later. Right now, he needed to test how well these sleep aid potions work.
"Are they like Dreamless Sleep?" Harry had asked.
"I would be fired if I gave you that without Madam Pomfrey's consent," Severus said with a mild glare. "No, this is mostly ashwagandha extract with a bit of lavender and valerian. It will help you relax and ease your mind of any troubled thoughts, hopefully expelling any nightmares."
Harry drank the small dose of potion and set the vial aside to return to Severus as his orders. In less than five minutes, he fell into a comfortable sleep with no nightmares.
He felt a lot better the next day than he had all week, and he was more awake and attentive in his classes. He was excited for the hands on practice in Defense Against the Dark Arts that day, despite his previous concerns of the new professor. Except for the one flaw of being a monster killer, the professor was knowledgeable and very engaging in class. He made the lessons almost as fun as Remus had.
"Today, we will be practicing the disarming spell," Huntington announced. "Everyone, pair up. We've gone over the incantation and wand movement; it's time you put them to use."
Harry paired up with Ron, of course, while Hermione found herself paired with Dean Thomas, and they set to practicing diligently, blue jets of light crisscrossing back and forth across the room from various wands. However, Harry's good mood was beginning to damper as he could hear every scowl and comment from Malfoy, who was making a show of his superior wand work.
"Honestly, Goyle," Malfoy said to his paired partner, "you hold your wand like a baboon trying to peel a banana. No wonder you can't even manage a simple disarming spell."
Goyle grunted in response, looking thoroughly miserable as he attempted the spell once more. Harry scrunched his nose at the pair.
"What an absolute git," Harry muttered lowly to Ron.
Unfortunately, Malfoy seemed to have a sixth sense of when someone spoke ill of him, and he spun on his heels and glared at Harry.
"What was that, Potter?" Malfoy sneered, his gray eyes narrowing.
"I said you're a git," Harry said, finding himself turning to face the confrontational pose, as if anyone daring to challenge him had threatened his very sense of being. "I mean, at least Goyle is trying. Unlike some people who just spend all their time twirling their wand and insulting others."
Malfoy stalked towards him, and Harry tracked his every move with subtle shifts of his eyes. He could feel the hair rising on the back of his neck, but he did not back down.
"You think you're so clever, don't you?" Malfoy hissed, his voice low and dangerous. "Always the hero. Well, let's see how heroic you are against this!"
Before Harry could raise his own wand, Malfoy flicked his and muttered, "Expelliarmus!"
The blue jet of light caught Harry off guard, and his wand flew from his hand, landing with a clatter on the floor across the room.
"Ha!" Malfoy crowed, a triumphant smirk spreading across his face.
Harry however, felt more hair on his skin bristle, and he could feel the subtle change of his eyes as they shifted to a more wolfish look, and he bared his teeth at Malfoy, who had the decency to take a hesitant step back, a flicker of fear crossing his face as his smirk faltered. It was as if he recalled the way Harry had reacted to his taunts previously, and he took another step back. Harry didn't even glance at his wand as he took an intimidating step forward, his hands clenched at his sides.
"Harry, don't," Ron whispered, frantically shaking his head.
Hermione stepped over to the pair, her eyes darting between Harry and Draco.
Harry did not listen to Ron, instead, he lunged for Malfoy.
Hermione bravely tried to place herself between Harry and Malfoy, putting her hands on Harry's shoulder to try and stop him, but Harry jerked away from her, nearly knocking her down, but his eyes were locked on Malfoy, and he saw nothing else but Malfoy's poor attempt to stumble backwards away from him.
Before Harry could snatch Malfoy's robe, Huntington stepped between them, holding his hand out in front of Harry to stop him from advancing.
Hot heat seared Harry's chest, and he froze as he looked at the hand in front of him. Huntington was wearing thick silver rings on three of his fingers, and Harry backed up a few steps to avoid the professor in case he felt the need to place his hand on Harry's shoulder or anything.
"That's enough, Mr. Potter," Huntington said firmly, though his eyes were curious as they studied Harry. "Collect your wand and report yourself to your Head of House's office. I will be informing her of this inappropriate classroom behavior."
Feeling less like a predatory animal on the hunt, Harry turned and searched the room for his wand, finding it quickly. He collected his bag and walked out of the classroom, ignoring the looks he was getting from his classmates.
Harry felt as though he was in a trance as he walked down the hall that led to the staircase to Gryffindor Tower, where he would also find McGonagall's office. He looked down at his hands, and noticed for the first time how his nails had dug into his skin, leaving small, crescent-shaped marks that looked almost like . . . claw marks.
A wave of nausea washed over him. He hadn't meant to act like some beast. He hadn't meant to lose control like he had. And in front of Huntington, nonetheless. What did the professor make of him now? Was he suspicious?
Harry nearly collided into someone if he hadn't felt their presence at the last minute, and he stopped walking abruptly to avoid walking into them, looking away from his hands and up at the person in front of him.
Every hair on his body rose once more as his eyes widened and his face flushed in fear.
Remus Lupin.
The man looked just as surprised to have run into him, and his jaw was dropped for a moment before he held his hands out placatingly.
"Harry, please, I am so, so—"
All Harry could see were the amber eyes of the wolf stalking his dreams. He could hear the snarls and growls growing louder and louder behind him before the sickening crunch of bone sounded in his ear as the wolf bit his shoulder, and his scars burned in memory. Harry let out a very inhuman snarl as he sidestepped Remus before he ran as fast as he could far away from the wolf that was surely chasing him.
"Lupin!" Severus snarled at the wolf standing stock-still in the middle of the hall. He had seen the very end of the encounter as he turned down the hallway, and a fierce, protective anger ignited in his chest. "What did you do?"
"I—I was," Remus stammered before he shook his head. "It was too soon. I just wanted to apologize and . . ."
"What makes you think he wants to hear from you?" Severus snapped as he paused before the retired professor. "You traumatized him, wolf. Or did you forget that?"
"I will never forget that night, Severus, I don't need you to remind me of it every second."
"You don't even remember the night," Severus hissed. "You have nothing to forget. Stay away from Harry if you know what's good for you, Lupin. You have no need to traumatize him more, thank you."
Severus stormed past Remus, leaving the man a bit shellshocked in the hallway. He didn't bother questioning why he was even around at the moment. He was sure he would find out soon enough from the headmaster. He climbed the stairs, wondering where Harry may have run off to when he recalled one place that he had often ran to in his teen years, and he turned around and hurried downstairs. Walking out of the castle, he walked up the trail that led to the owlery. He walked up the spiraling staircase, pausing just outside the door as he considered his words, then pushed it open.
He tilted his head slightly at the sight of Harry, who was sitting on the floor in the owlery, hugging his knees, his face red and tearstained. All the owls had flown up to higher shelves and were staring down at Harry in concern.
"Even the birds know I'm a monster," Harry muttered when he saw Severus step into the owlery. "They hate me. Even Hedwig."
Harry buried his face in his knees and remained silent.
Severus sighed as he walked through the owlery, reaching up to stroke the white, brown-speckled owl.
"They do not hate you," Severus said. "You have merely become unfamiliar. If you allow them the chance to get to know you, the new you, they will remember the old you as well."
Hedwig jumped onto Severus's arm at his insistence, and he kneeled next to Harry with the owl on his arm. Hedwig seemed to be taken aback by the sudden drop in height as she was brought closer to the human with the strange scents, but as she was now next to the child, she picked up a familiar scent: Harry. This was her human. It had to be. She carefully mouthed a bit of Harry's hair in her beak before tugging sharply.
Harry jerked his head up at the sharp tug, and he gave Hedwig a watery smile when she clicked her beak at him before hopping off Severus's arm to stand on Harry's shoulder. She nuzzled Harry's cheek, and Harry stroked the bird, closing his eyes as he leaned into her nuzzle.
Severus couldn't help but smile at the interaction, and he slowly sat down next to Harry, stretching his legs out in front of him.
"You have every reason to avoid Lupin," Severus said. "He is the cause of such a traumatic event in your life."
Harry looked over at Severus.
"However, it does not do one any good to fear a trigger for the rest of their lives. It's unhealthy. I can attest to that. It does not do you any good on your mental state."
"You're still afraid of werewolves," Harry said.
"You're right," Severus said, not allowing himself to get angry over the comment. "And I should work on that. Werewolves can be terrifying creatures, but I should not let a fear of them rule my life. Nor should you."
Harry rested his chin on his knee as he thought over Severus's words.
"I'm not afraid of Lupin."
"No. You're afraid of what he did."
"Yeah," Harry agreed softly. "I just . . . I remember what happened when I'm around him. Or his office. It just floods my brain."
"Ah. So perhaps a good memory might help calm that flood?"
"I guess." Harry frowned at Severus.
"Remember, a patronus is about happy memories, even in our darkest moments. Think about that happy memory you've chosen. Embrace it, immerse yourself in it. Let it calm your fears. When you can master feeling the emotion even when you're afraid, you will master the patronus charm."
Harry closed his eyes, his hand absently stroking Hedwig. Severus watched him for a moment before he leaned his head back against the stone wall, following his own advice as he remembered when he and Lily would venture up to the owlery with treats for all the owls.