For three eternal hours, Bella waited in the little kitchen of Charlie's house. In the forest just past the yard, the shadow of an enormous wolf paced back and forth in the distance. Embry was waiting too, listening to the rest of the pack as they searched the area for any sign of Victoria. The afternoon's sunshine had passed, the clouds growing dark and heavy as the sun disappeared behind the trees. Bella didn't think a decline in the weather or even pitch blackness in the wilderness would stop the pack's search, so she kept waiting.
Charlie called to say that he would be at Billy's late, they'd stayed on the water later than expected, caught more than they dared hope for, and needed the whole evening and night to prep and fry up everything. He told her Jacob was off somewhere else, and she could come down to La Push to join for dinner if she wanted. Bella was still staring at the treeline, and Embry rushed into her sightline and shook his head quickly. Bella swallowed and made her excuses to Charlie. She understood perfectly well, no one wanted her on the reservation if there was a vampire hunting her.
Bella had shredded a dozen napkins, anxiously pulling them apart between stares out the window, when a knock on the door made her yelp and jump halfway out of her seat.
"Bella! It's me!"
She couldn't pinpoint the voice, but it was a man's voice, not the high-pitched female tone her memory had conjured from her one interaction with Victoria. Heart pounding, she rose from the kitchen table and made her way to the entryway. As she unlocked the door, she felt suddenly embarrassed that it had made her feel safe for a while. As if a twenty-five year old lock on a hundred-year-old door would stop a blood-thirsty vampire.
It was Jacob at the door, half naked and shimmering from the light drizzle. Apparently, the arrival of a murderous vampire in Forks had interrupted his romantic weekend in Seattle.
"Hey," he said.
"Hi," Bella replied.
The fear and worry coming off Bella in waves diffused the awkward atmosphere between them. But Jacob still rubbed the back of his neck nervously before starting his announcement.
"We ran the whole peninsula, all through the park, over to Puget Sound and down to Aberdeen. No sign of any bloodsucker except Laurent. He must have crossed the water from Vancouver Island, came out near Neah Bay and ran straight to Forks."
"Oh, that's…good."
My scent will wash away with the next rain, Laurent had informed her. Bella shivered, imagining the fox-like ferocity in Victoria's crimson eyes.
"We'll be running patrols from now on, to be sure," he shifted, "and one of us is going to be nearby all the time."
Bella huffed, "that's not necessary."
"You said she's after you."
"Yea…"
"So, staying close to you is our best chance of catching her if she comes back."
"Okay," Bella agreed reluctantly. "I just don't want any of you to get hurt."
There was a glimpse of her sunshine Jacob behind his serious expression, Bella assumed all of his light was now reserved for someone else. "Bella, this is what we do. Killing vampires is the whole point of this."
He gestured vaguely towards himself, at his unnaturally enormous body. Then between the two of them. Bella saw it for a moment, that ridiculous alternate reality. Where vampires and shapeshifters stayed in legends, and Edward Cullen had died in a hospital a century earlier. The version of reality where Bella and Jacob had lived a human life to its natural conclusion and been entirely content. This version of Bella, living on the same planet as Edward, felt no connection at all with it, but it was obvious that Jacob did. Some sense of mourning. The idea sent a flare of anger through Bella, that Jacob knew exactly where to find his soulmate, could call her at any time and hear her voice, and yet he was standing on Bella's porch talking to her instead. A moment later, she realized it wasn't real anger, but jealousy, and she had no idea what to do with it.
"Don't worry, Bella. If she comes back, we'll get her."
"I know, I'm not worried," Bella said, because she wasn't worried. She was terrified. So scared that every breath felt like a risk, like Victoria would leap out at them at any moment. But it wasn't Jacob's job to comfort her anymore.
"Good," Jacob said, "um, none of us will get close to the house, but don't let Charlie shoot any wolves."
Bella huffed, the jerky exhalation sending hot tears to the space behind her eyes. "I'll try my best."
Jacob smiled sadly in return, then tilted his head slightly. Bella's ears strained to hear whatever had caught his attention, but there was nothing remarkably. Just the brush of wind through the trees, the distant call of a bird, all muffled slightly by the heavy clouds and cold humidity.
"Speaking of," Jacob said, "Charlie's almost home."
"Oh." Bella looked at the road, but there was no sign of Charlie's car. Nothing that her human senses could hear or see, at least.
"Try to act normal," he instructed, backing away.
Only then, Bella realized that there was no Volkswagen Rabbit parked anywhere in sight. Instead, Jacob darted towards the treeline, his long legs crossing the lawn in a few huge strides. Bella stared after him, only closing the door a few moments later when Charlie's police cruiser came down the road.
Bella rushed into the kitchen and made herself look busy by rewashing some of the clean dishes standing in the drying rack.
"Hey, Bells," he called when he came into the house.
"Hey, dad," Bella returned.
Charlie came into the kitchen, followed a moment later with the smell of fish wafting off his clothes.
"Brought you some fish fry," he announced, placing the paper bag on the counter next to her.
"Thanks," Bella replaced the clean dishes and dried her hands. "Need me to help you get anything from the car?"
Charlie started removing his jacket and middle layers, the smell permeating the room. "Nope, Seth and Leah showed up, both of them ate even more than usual. We caught enough to fill the cooler but there was nothing left."
Bella felt chilled, thinking about Seth and Leah, but she plastered on a light expression. "Guess you'll have to go again next weekend."
Charlie chuckled and went to store everything in the usual spot under the stairs. "Now you're gettin' it."
Acting normal around Charlie, as Jacob had instructed, was surprisingly easy over the next several days. She never caught sight of the wolves protecting her, but at least one of them had a habit of leaving massive pawprints right next to her truck, where she would be sure to see them. The terror that had seized her initially faded, as if her body was rejecting anything so intense and debilitating. The ridiculous feeling of relief that she'd first felt upon seeing Laurent was the feeling that most lingered. No more questioning her own sanity.
By Wednesday of the following week, Bella was looking back at the memories of Laurent in the meadow not in terror, but longingly. Because there was her illusion of Edward, conjured from her subconscious perfectly. All of her adrenaline chasing a year earlier had failed to imitate the true, life threatening, danger of standing next to a red-eyed vampire. Bella reexamined the memories and saw Edward's blurry form, wearing the same clothes he'd been in the day he said goodbye. His voice rang in her ear like a song from heaven.
Bella chided herself, for not reaching towards the apparition in the meadow. Would her subconscious have managed an illusion of contact? To convince the nerves in her fingers that they'd touched Edward's icey skin? During her lunch break, as Bella sat on the steps of the porch, she thought about the missed opportunity. The metal staircase railing was frigid from the cold weather. Bella closed her eyes and thought back to the scene, a transparent version of Edward standing between her and Laurent.
The danger of Laurent's presence had invoked the hallucination, but now Bella's mind focused almost entirely on Edward. Until the real, physical memory of Laurent was blurry and distant, and the vision of Edward was as solid as if Bella had opened her eyes to find him standing in front of her. He ignored the red eyes staring at Bella hungrily, and reached a hand towards her. Bella brushed her fingers along the cold metal as their hands collided in her mind. At first, it was convincing. But there was no electricity, none of Edward's internal warmth beneath the cold of his body.
Bella opened her eyes and returned to her lunch, not allowing herself to succumb to the disappointment. One of the property's stray cats jumped up beside her, rubbing its thin body back and forth across her shins, staring up at her warm tupperware longingly. Bella gave him a tiny piece of ham from her sandwich for his trouble.
For the next two weeks, Bella went to work and school, the grocery store and the bank and the gas station. She completed her assignments for class and tasks from Julia. Cooked dinner and alternated between non-fiction and literature in the evenings. For a while, her mind felt almost settled. Like she was living in the waiting room for an appointment that would change her life. At times, she felt impatient, but never doubtful that the time would come.
Sometimes, Jacob or Sam or Embry would call her or stop by the house. There were never any updates, though they continued their diligent patrols through the mountains and rainforests and beaches of the Olympic Peninsula. Bella felt a twinge of guilt, that their lives were being so inconvenienced by this possibility of danger. But some of them seemed almost elated by the prospect, all jumping at the opportunity to kill a vampire. Bella could only hope the good vampires would return before her friends changed their minds about a lifetime as supernatural bodyguards.
Bella did not see any of them 'on the job' until the first Friday in March.
The foggy made the glass panels of the greenhouse look steamy while Bella repotted and relabeled the hundreds of perennials they would be selling in the coming months. There were gravel pathways connecting all the pathways on the property. The main tool shed to the office and storefront to the greenhouses, and between the two glass structures and the storage shed at the northwest edge of the property. One of the tasks Bella hadn't gotten to yet, because Julia kept giving her other things to do and telling her to prioritize them instead, was repaving the sections where the tiny stones had washed out from rainwater. There were even several bags of gravel intended for that purpose, waiting for her beside the shed.
But Bella had not found the time for that project, and the transition from February to March had been nearly non-stop rain, drizzle to thunderstorms and back again. The worst walkway section was between the larger greenhouse and the office, and Bella was carrying too many things, and the hood of her jacket was obscuring her vision, and there were already water droplets clinging to her eyelashes. She felt her right foot swivel precariously on a patch of slick clay mud that had washed into her path. A heartbeat later, she was laid out on the ground, water seeping into her pants from the sodden ground and the tools she'd been carrying spread out around her.
A moment later, Bella registered a sharp pain in her left hand. Still lying flat on the ground, staring up at the grey sky, she lifted the hand into her line of vision, and immediately felt nausea roil in her stomach. Instinctively, she held her breath against the metallic smell already invading her nostrils. There was a two inch long gash descending from the base of her little finger, down the side of her hand towards the bone of her wrist. It was deep enough to bleed freely, crimson running up her arm into the cuff of her sweatshirt. But when Bella tried to move her fingers, they all wiggled obediently.
Breathing through her mouth, Bella got carefully to her feet. She hobbled towards the office with her hand clutched to her chest, and rushed straight for the small kitchenette. She held her injured hand under the faucet and let the running water send bright red swirls down the drain, her other hand clutched the countertop tightly. Fortunately, the flow of crimson quickly lightened, and Bella was able to lightly run her fingers over the cash, cleaning it. The movement sent sparks of pain up her arm, and the paper towel came away pink as she patted the area dry.
One of the kitchen cupboards was stock piled with first aid supplies. Bella kept the napkin wrapped around her hand while she searched for bandages and antiseptic ointment.
A noise from outside barely caught her attention, it could have been one of the cats yawning. Then, a second later, "Bella?!"
Bella's heart was thudding before she could register that it was a familiar voice. A man's voice that she recognized. And the fact that she heard a voice at all was a sign of safety, because surely malicious vampires did not make a habit of announcing themselves, though her near-death encounters with James and Laurent both suggested a certain flare for the dramatic.
"Bella?!" The voice called again, sounding terrified.
She looked towards the back door of the building, just in time to see Embry, in just a pair of shorts, sprinting up the steps and bursting into the room.
They stared at each other for a moment, his chest heaving. "Bella, god. You're okay, shit—I thought—"
Bella's heart kept thumping erratically. "What's wrong? What happened?"
"Nothing," Embry breathed heavily, "I came back and smelled blood outside, I thought…"
A pang of affection echoed through Bella's chest, calming her. She held up her injury and explained, "I fell and cut my hand."
"Oh," Embry said, the tips of his ears going a bit pink. "Is it okay?"
"Yea, it's fine." Bella turned back towards the medicine cabinet. Embry watched her cautiously as she fumbled with a strip of gauze and scissors.
"Here, I got it." Before she knew it, he was taking her hand between his large, warm ones. He peeled off the paper towel carefully, and Bella was relieved to see the bleeding had stopped almost completely. "Sure you don't want stitches? It'll probably scar."
"I'd rather have the scar than go to the hospital," Bella said.
He nodded. "Fair enough. Have you gotten your tetanus booster?"
"Yea, last year." The first time she cracked her head open learning to ride motorcycles with Jacob.
Embry nodded again. Expertly, he applied the ointment, plastered the wound, and wrapped her hand.
"Thanks," she said.
"No problem," he replied, taking a step back. "Um, sorry if I scared you or interrupted or whatever."
Bella shrugged. "It's fine. I didn't realize you guys were getting close enough to, um…smell."
"We don't all the time," Embry blurted, waving his hands defensively, "just with the rain, we're being thorough just in case."
Bella nodded.
"I just caught the scent on a breeze, honestly. It's very distinctive and hard to miss."
"Don't I know it," Bella mumbled.
Embry nodded. Rocked on his heels for a second. "Oh, let me help you clear up the stuff you dropped."
"Sure," Bella agreed, because otherwise they might have stood awkwardly in the little kitchen until the end of time.
Over the course of her relationship with Jacob, Embry had always been around. Friendly and welcoming towards her, never flirtatious like Quil, but altogether much more Jacob's friend than hers. Their conversation in the truck after the fight in the meadow was the first time she could recall ever being alone with him for longer than the time it took Jacob to run into his house from his garage to retrieve something from the kitchen.
Bella followed Embry outside, where the fog was already condensing into a light drizzle. She watched him gather all the scattered wreckage of her fall. Tools and pots and seed trays, which he carried effortlessly. Then she directed him where to put everything in the shed. When that was done, Bella felt obligated to offer some thanks, so she took him back into the kitchenette and made him a bowl of ramen noodles from the package.
"Thanks," he said when she placed the steaming bowl in front of him.
He was too big for the small table and chair and room, and the sight sent a flare of fondness through Bella's chest. It reminded her sweetly of Jacob cramming himself into Charlie's kitchen. There was only distant affection towards those memories now, no hurt at all except the usual soreness of missing Edward.
"Don't worry about it, thanks for your help."
Embry shrugged. "No problem, it's nice to have a break."
"From running and guarding the helpless humans?"
He grinned. "No, that part's not bad."
Bella smiled back at him, though she could see the tense set of his eyes. "I'm glad to hear that. Speaking as a helpless human."
"Hmm…" Embry blew on the noodles before taking a bite.
"Is there another part that's hard?"
Bella watched Embry slide between stoicism and vulnerability. She waited patiently, and finally he said, "Just, some…stuff that I've been dealing with for a while."
"And that stuff is harder now that you're in the pack?"
"Yea," he shifted, stirred his noodles. "listening to my best friends think and talk about their soulmates all the time isn't the most fun."
Pain flashed across his face. The feeling of being left behind as Quil and Jacob tumbled headlong into their happily ever after. "I bet that sucks."
"Yea," his voice was weak, but he continued speaking like it was the first time he'd even had the chance, "I got used to it with everyone else, but now with Jacob it's…hard."
"I bet," Bella said, imagining the three of them as they'd been before their wolf genetics took hold.
Embry shook his head, his gaze flashing between Bella and his bowl, "I mean it's hard because it's Jacob…specifically."
"He's your best friend," Bella nodded, "it must be hard to feel like he's not there for you anymore. But he is! They all really care about you, Embry. And I'm sure eventually you'll find your imprint—"
"No, Bella," Embry interrupted calmly, "I don't think I'm going to imprint on a girl, ever. And this is so hard because Jacob's thinking about being so in love with her all the time."
"Oh," Bella said, reflexively, trying to gather her thoughts for a response. Instead, his words settled on her, accompanied by a hundred tiny memories. Embry in the background, looking at Jacob differently than Quil had, laughing at his jokes a bit louder, standing a bit closer. "Ooh."
Embry exhaled heavily, his body slumping. "Yea."
"That's…difficult."
"It sucks, basically."
"Does he know?"
Embry shrugged. "No, at least not as far as I know."
"How? I mean, you can hear each other's thoughts."
"I was worried about that, but I guess I got used to hiding it and not thinking about it," he said, and Bella felt the sadness of the statement leaking out between them. "When I'm with the pack, it's easy to let everyone else's thoughts be loud in my head, it's kind of nice actually. Except for the imprinting obsessive noise."
"I can imagine."
Embry stirred his noodles again, creating a little cloud of starchy steam. He shook his head shyly while staring into the bowl. "I'm sorry for dumping all of this on you."
"No, no. It's okay," Bella insisted, leaning forward. "I consider you a friend. Thank you for trusting me with this."
"I didn't mean to make you sad, you were in love with him."
Bella tried to hide the discomfort from her face. Not at the prospect of Jacob himself, but at this mention of the time she'd tried to ignore her love for Edward. The whole relationship felt like a bizarre dream she'd had years earlier, and now Embry spoke of it with such seriousness, like it was a defining feature of her life. She didn't do a good enough job of hiding, and he noticed immediately.
"Oh, sorry. I thought…Jacob always talked about the two of you getting married and having kids in La Push, so I assumed…"
Bella's eyebrows drew together. "I guess that was the plan, but we're obviously not meant to be together."
"Right, Agnes," Embry said the name with all the weight of a mortar shell landing between them.
"Her, and…Edward."
"Edward?"
"You've heard inside Jacob, Sam, Quil, Paul, and Jared's minds. That's how it is for us."
Bella didn't realize the phrasing she'd used, like Edward was still here with her, until Embry responded, "But…he's gone."
"He'll come back," Bella informed him, her voice soft and calm.
To her relief, Embry nodded as if he understood perfectly. "Why'd he leave?"
The question was so simple, it shocked Bella. Explaining such a monumental event in her life in a single sentence was strange, but it brought a nice feeling of calm. "He thinks I'm better off without him."
Embry huffed. "How can anyone be better off without their soulmate?"
"My thoughts exactly," Bella said, crossing her arms on the table.
He took his first bite of the ramen noodles, the curly strings hanging from the fork into the yellow soup. Almost off-handedly, he said, "I guess he must love you a lot, leaving for your own good like that."
The words sank through Bella's mind through her whole body, spreading through all the old fault lines in her chest. Embry had already moved on, devouring his food in huge bites, then drinking the remaining broth. He didn't see the wetness gathering in Bella's eyes, and her rapid blinks to prevent tears.
When Embry left, the office felt uncomfortably silent, so Bella returned to her work in the greenhouse. Her injured hand slowed things down significantly, and she had to think much harder about the little things that had become mindless habits.
Over dinner, Charlie eyed the bandage suspiciously.
"Julia ought to pay someone to fix those walkways, if they're dangerous to her employees," he said bitterly.
"I'm the person she's paying to fix them. I just haven't gotten around to it."
Charlie just grumbled in response.
Fixing the walkways would have required two fully working hands, and by the time Bella's was healed enough to work again, the nursery started to get busy with spring sales. Bella's work days expanded as the light lasted a bit longer every day. More people came to the store, and many of them had questions they wanted answered. For the first time in her life, Bella found herself enjoying talking to strangers. Every interaction felt like a glimpse into someone's little world, and people were surprisingly sentimental about plants. They wanted this flower because it was their mother's favorite, or that tree because it was the easiest for children to climb. And in between those conversations, there was more horticulture work to be done than ever before. In the evenings, she was too exhausted to read more than a few pages of a book.
Bella was so consistently exhausted by the time she had a moment of free time, she barely noticed the emotion needling at the back of her mind. She barely remembered her dreams, only waking with vague impressions, but they were full of raging oceans and falling trees. At first, there was only a slight uneasiness. Nothing she could pinpoint, but it waited patiently to reappear in the rare moments she was unoccupied. By the time the cut on her hand was healed enough to switch to a Bandaid instead of the gauze, Bella had identified the culprit.
Embry's thoughtless comment had settled in her mind and kept replaying. How could she possibly be better off without the love of her life? The question spun around in her head, growing from unease to anger to rage.
The anger felt like it had been building forever. Since the moment Edward started pulling away from her after her birthday party. At times, it felt like a demon of wrath had possessed her body, when the slightest inconvenience made her want to throw things around the room. Being angry at Edward was bizarre, the more comfortable feeling was her usual adoration. But all at once, she was furious with him. For leaving her. For that world-shattering decision that she hadn't been a part of. For taking the rest of his family with him. For not letting them even say goodbye. For not giving her the chance to argue against him. For not believing her when she insisted he was worth the sacrifice of her human life. For not seeing that they were made for each other.
She was mad at herself too. How many times had she gone quiet when he mentioned his lost soul and her perfect one? How could she have let him think that? She should have raged at him then. Should have screamed at him until he understood. She should never have let the question of her immortality go unanswered, should have gotten Carlisle or Alice to change her instead if he never changed his mind.
And then, Bella was angry at them too, and Esme and Emmett and Jasper. For letting Edward convince them that his ridiculous plot to leave her alone was better for everyone. What were they thinking? Did they not understand how much they all meant to her? Or did they understand and simply not care? The rage spiraled into humiliating pain when she considered the deciding factor in Edward's favor. Was it the risk of exposure? Concern for the fate of her immortal soul? The inconvenience of constantly resisting their bloodlust? None of the options she imagined were good enough, which only fueled the storm inside her.
One of these waves of fury was building in her chest as she cooked dinner. The salt shaker was nearly empty, so she had to refill it. The can opener kept slipping on the jar of crushed tomatoes. A droplet of sizzling oil landed right next to the fresh scar on her hand, and reignited the still-sensitive skin. The onions made her eyes water. When the phone rang, she was pouring the boiling water and noodles into the strainer in the sink, and the sauce was still simmering on the stove.
Bella ripped the phone out of its cradle and answered, "Hello," so aggressively she might as well have said "what?!"
"Hey, Bella!" Renee chimed.
"Mom, hi." The rage quieted instantly upon hearing her mother's voice. Renee did not do well with other people's anger.
"How's it going?"
"Alright, I'm cooking dinner."
"Lucky Charlie. It's a good thing Phil can cook, you know how helpless I am in the kitchen."
"Yea, I know. That's why I'm a good cook." Bella surprised herself with the words, and guilt swarmed immediately.
Renee burst into a fit of giggles, and Bella's mind finally seemed to level back out to an equilibrium. No volcanic anger or grief or excitement bordering on madness. Just the dull calm of an ordinary evening in Charlie's house.
"Anyway," Renee said, slightly breathless from her laughter, "I wanted to let you know that I went to the doctor for a checkup today, and we're both doing wonderful! My doctor is treating me like I'm made of glass because I'm almost 40, but I'm totally healthy and the baby is doing fine."
"That's great, mom," Bella said. Now the guilt returned, creeping through her, because she could count on two hands the number of times she'd thought about her mother in the last month. And she hadn't even thought to worry about her being older than average for pregnancy, with all the potential medical complications that entailed. "I'm glad to hear you're doing well. Sorry I haven't checked in more."
"Bella, it's okay. You wouldn't believe how much Phil has been pampering me. I feel like a princess!"
"Good, I'm glad he's taking care of you."
"Me too," Renee said wistfully, "I hope you can come visit again soon. Don't you have a spring break?"
She did, it was the following week. And Bella planned to work from dawn to dusk every single day, no chance of flying to Jacksonville. But she told Renee, "Yea, I'll look at the dates and let you know."
"Great!"
The lie, the distance between them, the prospect of a younger sibling, all of it quickly unraveled Bella's temporary calm. She looked around the kitchen as if some help would materialize, and saw the food. On the other side of the line, Renee drew in a breath, to speak again. "Mom, do you mind if I let you go? I'm about to burn dinner."
"Oh, sure," Renee answered, surprised, "call me again in the next couple days, okay?"
"I will. I love you."
"I love you, too."
Hanging up the phone, Bella took a deep breath, then returned to making dinner. When she was finished, Charlie came in from the living room and sat at the table. He asked about Renee's call, and backed off when Bella answered sulkily that Renee was fine, the baby was fine, everything was fine. Instead, Charlie told her about his day at work and asked about her day of classes in Port Angeles, then her plans for tomorrow. He was still grouchy about her workplace injury, which actually soothed the boiling emotion in Bella's chest slightly. Like when her young, clumsy body had gotten her hurt or embarrassed and he'd carried her back to safety.
The shadow of the tree branches swaying on her bedroom ceiling was the last thing Bella saw before she slid into sleep, now with a few leaves budding at the first hint of spring.
She awoke in the front lawn of the Cullens' steel and glass mansion. The brilliant summer sun above sent warm yellow beams through the tree canopy onto the steps in front of her. All the windows were open, and from the living room, white linen curtains drifted out like puffy clouds. Cedar and pine and Esme's flowers all combined in the perfect scent of homecoming. Initially, Bella could only hear the rustle of wind in the branches and the crashing of the river nearby. But when she listened closely, there was a beautiful piano melody drifting out from the house. And then two harmonies, the booming iron bell of an ancient cathedral and a cluster of sleigh bells: Emmett and Alice's laughter. Bella took a step closer, and the house shimmered, but then the front door swung open and a familiar voice called her name.
Bella startled into real consciousness, back in her bedroom. Grief shot through her chest, so sharp she had to wrap an arm around herself. Another second in bed was too much, so she lurched upwards, still half asleep.
"Bella?" Charlie was suddenly in front of her, halfway into his uniform.
She lurched forward, wrapping her arms around his middle and tucking her head into his chest. Only when her face touched the warm fabric of his shirt, did she realize there were tears streaking down her cheeks.
Instantly, his arms were around her. "What's wrong? A nightmare?"
Bella shook her head, sniffling. "No, it was a good dream."
"Then why are you crying?"
A sob broke from her throat as she said, "because I wanted it to be real."
Charlie didn't say anything for a while as she cried into his chest. But she felt the column of his throat moving against her head as he swallowed thickly. "Aw, baby."
Bella pulled away, scrubbed at her eyes. "Sorry."
The corner of his lip lifted in a joyless imitation of a smile. "No problem. Do you wanna go back to sleep?"
"What time is it?"
"Nearly seven."
Bella sniffled again. "No, I'll get ready for work."
"Okay," he said. His parental instincts seemed to be fading, and now he rocked on his heels awkwardly. "That job seems to be good for you."
"Yea," she said weakly, "I like it."
Charlie lifted a hand and used the back of his knuckles to wipe the salt tracks from her cheeks. "I'll make some breakfast."
Bella nodded tearily. She stood in the hallway while Charlie walked down the stairs into the still-dark downstairs. In the bathroom, the lightbulbs hurt her eyes, and the water she splashed on her face was freezing against her flushed skin. When she finally went downstairs, Charlie had the grace to act like nothing had happened as he served up her toast and oatmeal. He finished reading yesterday's newspaper as he sipped his coffee, then went back upstairs to finish getting ready. On his way out, he detoured into the kitchen to say, "bye, Bells."
"Bye," she mumbled around a mouthful of toast.
The front door clicked shut, and a second later there was only silence in the house. Bella could only stand it for a few moments until it felt like a living thing crawling across her skin. She went upstairs and got dressed quickly, rewearing several of the things strewn across her bedroom floor. The sun had barely risen, but that was enough to get started on work at the plant nursery.
Except, the idea was unappealing. Bella could barely remember the dream that had caused such a swarm of agony, but she recognized the lingering ache in her chest. She missed Edward. Missed him like he was a part of her body that had been hacked off. The pain of living without it was suddenly overwhelming.
Bella sat heavily on her bed, pulling her knees towards her chest and wrapping her arms around them. The position seemed the only way to keep herself from unraveling. She collapsed onto her side and laid there until the light outside had shifted from sunrise to morning. Her mind was spinning, trying to puzzle out some remedy for the pain ripping through her. A tiny echo, then a chorus inside her head, screaming that she just needed to see him. One more time! You know exactly what you need to do!
The phone rang, and like a zombie, Bella trudged downstairs to answer it.
"Hello," she answered weakly.
"Bella? It's Julia."
Bella blinked, then turned around to look at the clock on the oven. 8:24. "Oh, I'm sorry. I'm late."
"It's fine," Julia said soothingly, "are you feeling alright? You sound rough."
Take the chance, you need to see him! Her mind screamed. "Um, I'm actually not feeling very well. I meant to call you."
"That's no problem. Stay home and rest up, okay? I really appreciate all of your hard work."
"Thanks," Bella mumbled, "I should be in tomorrow."
"Don't worry about it," Julia said, "My mom's sister is visiting this week anyway, they'll help with anything if they can listen to music and gossip while they're at it."
Bella chuckled, "Well, thank you."
"Let me know when you're feeling better!"
"I will, goodbye."
"Bye, bye."
The phone went silent. Bella seemed to blink, and she was turning the key of her truck, the engine roaring to life. There was an extra set of clothes on the bench beside her. She drove without even considering the destination, suddenly finding herself staring over the cliffs of La Push at the gray clouds gathering over the Pacific Ocean. A long ago conversation with Jacob replayed in Bella's mind as she parked the truck at the end of the gravel road and began walking. There were jumping points lower down, he'd said, when they'd condemned Sam and his disciples for diving from the top, before either of them knew the truth.
As she followed the narrow path, Bella looked for turns or splits, but it was only a single line toward the brink with no alternatives. And there was a storm gathering, the wind whipping through the trees as the clouds pressed closer to the ground. Just as she reached the place where the dirt path fanned out into the stone precipice, the first drops broke through and splattered on her face. Dazed, she shed her coat and sweatshirt and shoes. Standing there, with the entire world spread out beneath her, it was not difficult to convince herself that she wanted to jump from the top. Wanted the long fall that felt like flying.
Undoubtedly, this was the stupidest, most reckless thing she'd done yet. Bella couldn't stop herself from smiling. All the pain, the loneliness and fear and anger and grief. It all receded, as if her body knew that Edward's voice was just seconds away. The ocean sounded so distant, a near-silent landscape of ripping blue and gray that spread out forever from her viewpoint at the edge of the earth.
She stepped out to the edge, keeping her eyes on the empty space in front of her. Her feet felt ahead blindly. She drew in a deep breath and held it…waiting.
"Bella."
She smiled and exhaled. "Yes?"
He sounded so real, so close. When he was disapproving, the true memory of his voice was so clear–the velvet texture and the musical intonation that made up the most perfect of all voices.
"Don't do this," he pleaded.
Bella dared turn to look to her right, and there he was. A perfect ghost impression of their last moment together, complete with his angelic face twisted with anger and pain.
"You wanted me to be human," she reminded him, "well, watch me."
"Please. For me."
"But you won't stay with me any other way."
"Please." It was just a whisper in the blowing rain that tossed her hair and drenched her clothes.
Bella rolled up onto the balls of her feet.
"No, Bella!" He was angry now, and the anger was so lovely.
She leaned forward, crouching to get more spring. Then, Bella flung herself off the cliff.
The wind tried to resist the inescapable pull of gravity, pushing against her and twirling her in spirals like a rocket crashing to earth. Bella screamed all the way down, not from fear, but exhilaration. The water was icy, beyond what Bella had expected, but the chill only added to the high. She plunged deeper into the freezing black water. She hadn't felt one moment of terror – just pure adrenaline. Really, the fall wasn't scary at all. Where was the challenge?
That was when the current caught her.
The obvious danger of the cliffs, their sheer height, had distracted her from the true danger under the heaving surface.
It felt like the wavers were fighting over her, jerking her back and forth between them as if determined to share by pulling her to pieces. To avoid a riptide, one swims parallel to the shore. But the knowledge did Bella no good when she didn't know which way the shore was. A few seconds of chaos beneath the waves, and she couldn't even tell which way the surface was.
The angry water was black in every direction, there was no brightness to guide her upward. Gravity was all powerful when it competed with the air, but it had nothing on the waves–she couldn't feel a downward pull, a sinking in any direction. Just the battering of the current that flung her around like a rag doll. She fought to keep her breath in, to keep her lips locked around her last store of oxygen.
It did not surprise her that the only solid thing in the water, the only source of light, was her delusion of Edward. He owed her that much, considering she was dying.
"Keep swimming!" He begged urgently, voice echoing inside her head.
Where? She thought towards him. There was nothing but darkness. There was nowhere to swim to.
"Stop that!" He ordered. "Don't you dare give up!"
The cold of the water was numbing her arms and legs. There was only a dizziness now, a helpless spinning in the water. But she listened to him, for a moment. Tried to kick her legs and reach her arms, though every millisecond she was facing a new direction. What was the point?
"Fight!" He yelled. "Damn it, Bella, keep fighting."
Why?
Once the word appeared, Bella's entire body relaxed in an instant. There he was beside her, and finally she simply sank into the darkness. Even as her lungs burned for air and her legs cramped in the icy cold, she was content. Abruptly, she slammed into something hard and she took a huge gasping inhale of water. The pain all vanished, and she knew this was her final moment. There was a steel band around her middle, pulling her away from Edward, further into the depths. She wanted to make it count, so she decided her last thought would be, Goodbye, I love you.
There was no heavenly chorus or gates of fires, only a rock slamming into her chest repeatedly. The only noise was the rushing of waves against a shore and someone yelling, "breathe, breathe!"
This death was not nearly so peaceful as the last one. And Bella remained deathly still trying to will whatever purgatory this was to end. But the force slammed into her chest again, and she lurched sideways, fire rushing up her throat. But when she opened her eyes, all she saw was a pool of water sinking into the pebbles beneath her.
"Oh Jesus, thank God," the voice, which was not an angel, said.
Bella turned slowly towards it, and saw Embry, kneeling beside her. He turned away, looking further up the beach, and said, "she's alright, go ahead back to Harry's place!"
When she tried to speak, there was sandpaper in Bella's throat. But her mind was swimming with the possibilities of disaster. Victoria reappearing, Seth or Leah laid out in a bed with all their bones shattered, or worse. "What happened? Did Victoria–"
"No," Embry shook his head, he was soaking wet from the water, but Bella saw now that his eyes were red. "Harry had a heart attack. Everyone's over there with his family, Charlie too. I came for a walk to clear my head."
"Harry?" Bella shook her head, trying to absorb what he was saying. "Will he be okay?"
The line of his throat shifted, and Bella felt her stomach drop. "He's gone."
After that, they were mostly silent. Embry helped her strip out of her sodden clothes and change into the spares she'd left in the truck, because her limbs were still too frozen to function properly. It was humiliating, but his expression was so devastated already, she felt terrible refusing the help. Then he drove her back to Forks, and when Bella said she felt terrible for keeping him away from his family, his friends, his pack, he told her it would be good for him to have an hour away. She felt sick imagining all the agony they were leaving behind on the reservation.
When they pulled up to Charlie's house, the sky was nearly dark again. The storm was making landfall, blackening out any sunlight. And Bella hadn't realized she'd spent several hours climbing.
Bella put her hand on the passenger side handle, but stopped when Embry said, "Um, Bella. You're not…you know…suicidal? I mean, do I need to stay here with you?"
She smiled at him, feeling utterly disgusted with herself, thinking of Charlie mourning his best friend while she jumped to her near-death. "No, it wasn't…that."
"Okay," he nodded.
They opened their doors at the same time and stepped out onto the driveway.
"No," Embry breathed, suddenly right beside her.
Bella's heart was pounding, his too-quick movement frightening her. "What?"
"Vampire." The word was barely a whisper, but it sent chills down Bella's spine.
She looked around wildly, for a flash of red in the dark trees surrounding them. Instead, she noticed the sleek black Mercedes parked on the opposite side of the road. The paint was so perfect, it had blended in with the surroundings. Now, instead of pounding, her heart stopped.
"That's Carlisle's car. They're here." She squirmed out from between Embry and the truck, and started towards it.
"Bella, don't. It could be a trap." He grabbed her by the elbow but she shook him off and kept walking.
"No, it's not," she said.
She felt it in the air now, a charge, like the storm but stronger. Like all the pieces of the world had suddenly slid back into their proper position.
As she took one step onto the road, a figure stepped out from the trees behind the Mercedes. Then another. In the darkness, Bella's weak vision made out golden hair on a tall figure, then, beside him, a tiny body. The unnaturally pale color of their skin. And above all, the gold of their eyes.
Then the world shifted again, blurring, and Bella was collapsing towards the pavement.