Regulus pushed back against his seat and stretched. The stale library air was starting to get to his head, suffocating in the way only thousands of books collecting dust could be. He'd been tucked away in the back corner of the old brick building, behind stuffy shelves, that had long since cast tall shadows across the wooden tables in the waning daylight.
Over time, as the place became something of a back room, the students had all but fizzled out. Now, not a single other person sat within his vicinity. Occasionally, the librarian would come wandering through with a stack of books, sometimes she'd smile at him, other times she moved like a ghost.
The library closed at midnight, which meant he had another three hours before he couldhopefullysneak back into his dorm unnoticed. At some point over the last couple months Barty had gotten into the annoying habit of mothering him, specifically when he thought Regulus had skipped meals or purposely avoided sleep. But, if Reguluswantedto be scolded he'd go see Sirius, or better yet, he'd give his mother a call.
He rubbed tiredly at his eyes, blinking away the sleep gathering there.
Despite the deserted floor, Regulus's attention was held firmly by his homework and thus he didn't notice the figure stalking towards him until he was already sliding halfway into the seat across from him. James, with his curly, wind-blown hair and his ever-present grin, sat with a dignified grunt.
"You don't mind, do you?" he asked playfully, plucking at one of the papers Regulus had sprawled randomly about.
"I do, actually," he snapped. "I'm busy."
"Yeah, you look really busy over here, rubbing your eyes,brooding."
"I'm not brooding," Regulus said exasperated and with a deep frown. He crossed his arms over his chest and gave James a look he hoped emulated one his mother's don't-fuck-with-me looks.
"Right and I don't annoy you," he said offhandedly, hardly sparing Regulus a passing glance. Instead he scanned Regulus's notes.
He huffed. "Give that back," he said, snatching the paper out of James's hands and setting it back in its rightful place on the table. "How'd you know I'd be here anyway?"
"I ran into your roommate, ah — what's his name? Barry? Barty? He told me he thought you'd skipped dinner again," James said, shuffling distractedly through his things and pulling out a brown paper bag with a familiar looking logo. "So, I'm here with treats."
Scowling, Regulus opened the sack and peered inside.Of course, he thought,a blueberry muffin. Unfortunately, he didn't have quite enough pride to deny himself the fresh-baked pastry, even if he should have been trying to prove a point. Points be damned where blueberries were involved.
"It's not dinner by any means," James said sighing. He kept his eyes on the table and began to straighten out some of the skewed notes, pushing them carefully this way or that. "I don't know what other kind of food you like."
"You could have asked Sirius or Barty, that's how you seem to get the rest of your information about me," Regulus said, sounding much more bitter than he felt. He didn't take any of it back as he took a bite of his muffin.
"Ah, much less fun. I'd much rather hear it all from you," he said with a wide smile.
Warmth spread to the tips of Regulus's ears. He hid it with another bite and looked back at his notes.Did he mean that as flirty as it sounded,he wondered faintly as he chewed.
"Fine," Regulus said when he finished his bite. "You have until I finish eating to ask whatever you want. After that, fuck off."
Undeterred, James beamed and began a series of rapid fire questions. "What kind of food do you like?"
"I'm not picky."
"Ok, but if you could eat one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?"
"Some kind of bread."
"Favorite color?"
"Red, but only the kind that glows like amber in the sun."
"Is French the only other language you know?"
"Yes."
"What's your dream job?"
"I don't dream of working."
James chuckled and continued his tirade as Regulus took large enough bites to finish off his food quickly. He found it odd and a little uncomfortable that whatever came out of James's mouth, he was compelled somehow to answer. A little voice in the back of his head wept as he ate and pleaded inaudiblyslow down. He didn't.
After close to five minutes of silly questions and inconsequential answers, Regulus swallowed his last bite. He thought James might be disappointed but instead he smiled wide, the delight reaching all the way up into his deep brown eyes.
"Satisfied?" Regulus asked, licking the sweet remnants of blueberry off his lips.
"Very," James said and then he yawned and stretched, his arms reaching high above his head. "Wake me up when you leave," he said and laid his head on his backpack blinking dreamily the whole way.
Regulus gave him a confused look. "What?"
"I don't want to be left here," he mumbled, "it'd be awkward if the librarian had to wake me."
Regulus brain ran in circles. "That isn't — why don't you just go home?" he asked, truly astonished. Whochoseto nap in a library when they had a perfectly good bedroom that he didn't even have toshare?
"Don't wanna," he said, and that was that.
Not even five minutes later Regulus was scratching away at his homework with the distinct sound of quiet snoring and deep breathing acting as a kind of white noise. The next few hours carried on like that, James coming to every once in a while to squint and blink sleepily at Regulus before falling back asleep.
Eventually, the librarian came padding over surprisingly light on her feet. He hardly heard the click of her heels as they passed over echoing cobblestone and then thumped onto the muted grey carpet. She clasped her hands and rested them against her abdomen and stood near their table.
"The floor is closing up for the night," she said, speaking softly and fondly eyeing James who was snoring none-too-quietly every few seconds. "Will you —?" she asked, gesturing.
"Yes," Regulus said, collecting his things. "Thank you."
She smiled and nodded, making her way out of the little corner and weaving back to her desk on the other end of the floor.
"James," he said, gently knocking a book against the back of his head.
He shot up and looked wildly around, rubbing at the place Regulus had made contact. "Uh," he said.
"It's almost midnight," Regulus said, his voice sounding overly loud in the silence. "We're begin kicked out."
James groaned and stretched and wiggled awkwardly before pulling his phone from his pocket. The blinding light from it made him blink awfully fast but, as his eyes adjusted, he frowned.
"Everything OK?" Regulus asked, tilting his head. A frown was distinctly wrong on James's face and yet — it almost seemed to fit.
"Sure," he said and shoved the phone back into his pocket. "I'll walk you home."
Regulus scowled. "I'm not agirl," he spit.
"No," James said quietly, his voice dropping to just above a whisper. "No, you're not."
Without meaning to, Regulus fell into a routine. Tuesdays and Thursdays he spent his nights in the library with James, who usually spent his time napping on a desk for a few hours before walking Regulus back to his dorm. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, after class with James, he allowed himself to be pulled along to the grassy lawn to have (or realistically witness) lunch among Sirius, James, Remus, and Peter.
There, he learned Remus was a pre-med student and the top of his class and he preferred savory over sweet, always politely declining whatever treat James or Sirius insisted on sharing.
On the other hand, Peter couldn't resist a sweet nor could he resist the urge to talk about women. At the very least, he steered clear of derogatory comments that was, unless it came to one blonde professor who was at least twice his age. For a reason Regulus couldn't fathom, he was obsessed with her.
While things generally went well, it didn't take more than three afternoons for Regulus and Sirius to butt heads over nothing. Much to the group's dismay, their version of "speaking terms" strictly included arguing. They argued over how much Regulus ate orwhatSirius was eating. They argued about clothes and classes and even the weather.
None of the other's tended to jump in when they got into it. In fact, aside from annoyed grumbles here and there, they didn't seem to mind the fighting all that much. As long as they were speaking, Remus had said once.
It was close to the end of October, overcast and foggy, both hot and cold depending on the time of day, before things went from generally passive to physically aggressive between them.
"You should have come," Sirius said, tilting his head towards the sun and soaking up the afternoon heat while it lasted.
Regulus frowned at his brother, who sat on the stone tabletop, his feet resting casually on the seat. Regulus was standing, shifting his weight from foot to foot, and generally keeping to the shade.
"Invite me next time then," he grumbled and kicked at the dirt.
"What do you mean? We did invite you," Sirius said, practically startled out of his content relaxation.
Regulus narrowed his eyes and Sirius did the same. They watched each other for a minute and then, without any verbal prompting, began the age old game known only asI'm right and you're a fucking moron.
"I don't remember," Peter said, leaning forward with rapt attention, "but there's no way we wouldn't have invited you. You're here almost every day."
"Right.Right," Sirius agreed. He kicked his leg out and swung around towards Peter.
"Okay well you didn't," Regulus sighed, remembering quite vividly. "You said, and I quote, 'We're going to the bar tonight for a party and it's going to be crazy' and that was it. Then you spent the next twenty minutes arguing with James about what and how much you were going to drink."
"Yeah, okay,right.So you admit you were invited," he said like he'dgotRegulus somehow.
Regulus stood dumbfounded for half a second, a small, humorless laugh tumbling out of his mouth.Is he an idiot?
"You're kidding," he said, knowing full well Sirius absolutely wasn't. "That's not an invite, Sirius."
"What do you mean? Yes it is," he insisted and Peter nodded profusely along with him.
"A statementis not an invitation."
"Sure it is," Peter said, jumping in. "Why wouldn't it be?"
Is this really an argument I'm having right now,Regulus wondered. His head was starting to hurt.
"Because it's not.Do the two of you seriously not know what constitutes an invitation and what doesn't?"
"Big words," Sirius mused.
"What are you two fighting about now?" Remus asked, shutting the textbook in front of him and crossing his left leg over his knee. Next to him, James peered up, rolling a pencil between his fingers and making a face like a pout.
"Sirius seems to thinktellingme about his plans to go to the bar is the exact same thing as inviting me to go to the bar," Regulus explained as anger mounted uncomfortably in his chest.
"Isn't it?" James asked.
Regulus shot him a look and he shrank back. "No."
"I'm on Regulus's side," Remus said. "You all have a convoluted worldview because you share a brain cell and have no shame in inviting yourselves to anything atany time."
"It's not convoluted," Sirius mumbled. "It's not my fault people enjoy my company."
"Right." Remus rolled his eyes. "Next time you want to invite Regulus somewhere,ask."
"Too much work. Can't you justassumewe want you there?"
"No." Regulus's control faltered.
"Why not?"
His control slipped.
"You spent the last five years pretending I didn't exist," he snapped. "Why would Ieverjust assume you want me around?"
He knew he was red in the face before he finished speaking but it didn't stop him from getting to where he was going. The dirt beneath him suddenly felt as good a place as any to sink six feet into.
"I pretended you didn't exist?"Sirius questioned, utterly shocked. He sprang up from where he had been lounging at the table and shoved forward.
Regulus knew he fucked up and yet, he couldn't take it back — didn'twantto take it back. So what if he was a hypocrite — it's not like he would be the first to fall so close to the Black family tree. He took a sharp breath and did the only thing he could think of: double down.
"You heard me," he said, clenching his fists and desperate not to look as horrified as he felt.
Sirius was stalking up to him, getting closer and closer by the second, a cruel look twisted on his face. Around them, everyone had frozen solid to watch.
"Funny, you know I actually think it's been quite the opposite," he hissed, getting into Regulus's face. Despite wanting to take a step back, he held his ground as Sirius's cold anger warped the atmosphere itself. "I seem to remember calling you all the time and you never bothering to answer," he said.
"Yeah but I'm not the one who fucking left," Regulus said. The words cut like knives in the back of his throat.
Sirius quaked with disbelief. His left arm twitched and James took the opportunity to jump between them, physically blocking them from each other. Regulus clenched his fists so tight his joints popped. This time, he didn't flinch when James touched him, pressing an open palm to his chest and forcing him gently backward. Remus, moved similarly for Sirius, but his hand sat on his shoulder and pulled the other way instead, making him stumble back.
"Calm down," Remus demanded of them but Sirius snarled still, baring his teeth like hungry wolf.
At the same time, James gave Regulus a distressed look, one that knocked the anger clean from his body.Sorry, his head seemed to repeat on loop but his mouth wouldn't open.
"Let me go," Sirius growled and he shook free of Remus, attempting to re-close the gap that had been forced between them.
As he got close, he caught James's eyes, his face, the way he stood frozen and searching, not Sirius himself but Regulus. His frowned deepened.
"Whatever," he said and spun round the opposite way. "I'll see you at home," he said over his shoulder to his friends.
You don't have one of those,his brain reminded him and his chest heaved.You don't now and you never will.
"I — uh," James said, his head dragging painfully to watch Sirius's retreat. He looked back at Regulus, as if desperate to make up his mind, or better yet, be told what to do. Instead he took a breath, hurriedly gathered his things and jogged after Sirius.
Regulus's body, zapped of energy, almost dropped watching him leave. He bit at his lip and combed his hair back behind his ears and attempted to ignore the misery that grew larger the further and further James got from him.
The very next night, James arrived to the library twenty minutes late, moving endlessly slow as he made his way over.
"I'm heading back early tonight," Regulus told him, eyeing James as shifted in his usual seat. Barty was gone which meant he had his dorm to himself for the first time all semester — a blessed event. He wouldn't have to listen to him snore nor would he have to sneak in at midnight just to avoid being scolded.
"Are you coming?" Regulus asked when James didn't move and instead stared past him.
"I'm — ah," he stopped and looked at where his hands laid in his lap. "I'm not ready to go home," he said, his words thick and plummeting towards the floor.
Regulus hummed and then he frowned, balancing his backpack on his lap and leaning against the edge of the table.
"Do you want to come back to my dorm?" he asked like anidiot.
Even the dust seemed to settle then, all around them creaking like little souls in the noiseless empty air of the aging library.
"Your dorm?" James finally spoke, repeating the words dumbly. His cheeks were sunken and hollow, his face oddly pale. Still, his amber brown eyes were alight with some kind of hidden fire.
Regulus nodded in response, a tangle of confusion and worry binding around his chest, injecting and enslaving the beats of his heart.Something is wrong, he thought endlessly over and over but unable to place it somewhere concrete.It's wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.He stood and began to leave, setting a wandering hand on James's shoulder, brushing his fingertips across the top of his cotton shirt. He bit at the urge to tug at the fabric, instead lifting gently away.
"Really?" James asked, seemingly stunned. He swallowed thick and set a heavy palm resting on his chest, just over his heart.
"One time offer," Regulus said, making a swift exit and not looking behind him as James scrambled to keep up.
He didn't look James in the face as they descended the stairs together. He feared, for good reason, his cheeks might have twisted pink during his prolonged offer and he had no control over it any longer. But at least,at least, James had accepted and that wassomething,though Regulus didn't know what.
The walk was quiet and short and when they arrived back to Regulus's building, James followed him inside instead of turning and heading home.
After many tired breaths and a long descent up eight flights of stairs, they came upon the Slytherin common room which was almost as empty as the library. Three girls were sitting around one of the coffee tables, chatting quietly amongst themselves. One blushed and waved at James as they passed.
"That climb is no joke," James said with a huff, dropping like a bag of rocks into Regulus's desk chair as the door swung shut behind them.
Regulus nodded and an awkward silence grew to take up all the space in the room. Silence that hadn't seemed to exist in the library or the stairwell, or anywhere else really. Regulus could almost run his fingers along it — could almost pry it away if his nails were sharp enough.
"Where's Barty?"
"With his boyfriend, I think."
"Boyfriend?"
"Is that a problem?"
"Uh —" James made a noise like a choke and Regulus crossed next to his bed, falling into it. "No," he managed out, "not at all."
Regulus pushed himself up onto his elbows and studied James's reddened face. He searched for anger, hatred, disgust, all the things he had seen in others by mention of homosexuality but he found nothing except plain, flustering embarrassment. He didn't have time to wonder why before James had forced himself on and was picking casually through Regulus's stack of books.
"Stop that," he demanded, sitting upright.
"Which is your favorite?" he askedwithoutstopping.
Try as he might, Regulus was a fly caught in a masterful web and he found himself unable to do anything but open his mouth and spew an answer.
"The Kite Runner," he said, motioning easily to the tattered book sitting alone atop two of his textbooks.
James picked it up and began to leaf through it, stopping only briefly when he came across some of Regulus's own writing intermixed with the passages. He forced away a blush, knowing it was an invasion of privacy and yet overwhelmingly curious to hear how James would react.
"You write in books?" he asked, peering up through long eyelashes. The color seemed to have returned to James's cheeks and Regulus breathed a touch easier.
"Sometimes," he reasoned.
"I think I've heard of this one," he said, his lips quirking further and further downward and he read through randomly highlighted passages. "What's it about?" he closed the book and set it down gingerly back where he got it before looking deep into Regulus's eyes.
He floundered for a brief moment, edging dangerously close to speechlessness. "It's historical fiction," he said, flicking his eyes away. "It's just a story," he said.
He could feel James's eyes as they carried up and around his face.
"Why do you like it?"
Regulus furrowed his brow and tilted his head at James, once again unable to deny him an answer.
"I related to it — when I was younger."
James nodded like it was as good an answer as any and, thankfully, didn't ask Regulus to elaborate.
"Well?" Regulus asked, situating himself against the brick wall, leaning so that his back was against a bundle of pillows and his legs were straight in front of him.
"Well what?"
The little air conditioning unit under the window roared to life and Regulus, for the first time since he moved into the dorm, was glad to hear the obnoxious noise fill the space.
"Don't you have homework to do? Or are you going to sleep onmydesk this time?"
James blinked slow, twisting and stretching his neck.
"I get it," he said with a smile and pulled out his laptop.
For the next few hours, they worked together in silence, swapping places, moving about the room randomly to stretch or get a different view. James had left once to make himself a cup of noodles Regulus had laying around. Afterwards, he had leaned on the bed and began to read, where he had subsequently fallen asleep and Regulus let him.
At a half past midnight, Regulus looked to James who had slummed sideways on his bed and was snoring softly, his glasses halfway askew on his face. He sighed, stretched his aching limbs and pushed himself up, flicking off the light before ungracefully collapsing back into his spot and curling up in the small gap James left.
He awoke the next morning to light streaming in the window and incessant knocking at the door that had him thinking there must be some kind of emergency. He stumbled recklessly out of bed, unsteady and horribly confused, to the door. He froze when James shifted and sprawled and groaned somewhere behind him, forgetting for a moment what thehellwas happening. As soon as his brain started to re-process the night before, another quick succession of thuds snapped him into action.
He threw the door open.
"What?What?"he proclaimed, before coming face to face with Sirius.
His fingertips twitched with energy where they laid on the solid wood door. He thought momentarily about shutting it in Sirius's face.
"Is James here?" he asked, halfway to frantic. "His location hasn't updated in hours and he didn't come home last night. He was last at — the — library," his words fell off as he gazed into Regulus's dorm, eyes hardened and locked on to the yawning figure rustling in his bed.
"Morning," James said cheerfully but his voice was still hoarse from dry campus air.
Sirius didn't say much with his mouth but he said enough with his body. His face became tense with confusion which overstayed and morphed into fuming anger. His eyes narrowed, not unlike they used to at their mother. They seemed to shriek,consequences be damned. Regulus stepped forward to force him back, but James appeared too quickly, shuffling past the two of them like he didn't understand what he was about to get into.
"James," Regulus warned, wanting to pull him back in.
"I'll see you in class," he said with a smile, waltzing past Sirius as if he wasn't an over-eager predator ready tosnap.
Regulus wanted to step between them, almost did, but Sirius let James through without striking, narrowing his eyes first at Regulus, then James as he grabbed his hand and began to pull him through the hallway. The heavy door swung shut with a grating thud and Regulus slid down it, hugging his knees to his chest, biting hit lip, and closing his eyes against the incoming ache.
"What thefuck," Sirius growled from somewhere behind James.
Despite aching limbs and a horribly sore neck he felt generally well rested, at least as much as he normally did, which, to be fair, was a pretty low bar to hit. Regardless, he didn't want to argue with Sirius, not when his chest was giddy with thoughts of Regulus, not when he could still smell the vanilla of his bedsheets on his skin.
Besides that, he wastired. Anything and everything was an argument these days. Remus had even taken to calling them an old married couple, even though it made him physical recoil every time he felt the need to say it.
Sirius rounded the corner close behind him and as they crossed out of sight of Regulus's dorm. Sirius shoved him into the stone wall. It never did seem to bother him that James was more than a few inches taller. He pushed close all the same bracing against James until his hot breath cascaded across his face.
"Save it," James hissed. "Don't make a scene."
"I'll make a scene wherever I damn well please," he shouted, split flying from his mouth.
James tried to sink further into the wall.
"Oh, really?" he asked, his teeth dripping condescension. "So youwantsomeone to call an RA?"
James could make out the whispers around them without needing to actuallyhearthem. 'Is that Sirius Black?' they seemed to ask. 'Are they going to go at it again?' 'What will be the consequences this time?'
The malice in Sirius's eyes vanished as his line of sight dashed around the filling common room. He took a shaky breath.
"I don't want more rumors," James whispered, wincing at the memory, its presence still raw.
"Fine," Sirius said, his jaw clenched tight. "Let's go."
James walked coolly next to Sirius as they made their way back to the apartment but neither of them spoke. In fact, they both played their part as inseparable best friends, bumping playfully into each other, feigning some kind of neutrality. When their friends saw them and waved, they both smiled and waved back. It wasn't until Sirius closed the door behind him that the yelling started up again.
"What the fuck is your problem?" Sirius yelled.
From the kitchen, Remus's head snapped up and his eyes narrowed. He closed the fridge and proceeded to approach them slowly, as if they were two predatory animals about to go at it.
"Nothing," James said desperately. He wasso tired.
"Pads?" Remus asked, "what happened?"
Sirius let out a wicked laugh. "Tell him why don't you?"
James looked at the ground and tore at the skin on his lip.
"I spent the night with Regulus," he said trying not to wince at the words. There wasn't anything wrong with that. They were friends. Sure, James thought he was pretty and funny and hadn't stopped thinking about his dark hair and small frowns since the beginning of the semester but it didn't mean anything.
"Did you two—?" James heard Remus ask.
He shook with terror when Sirius opened his mouth.
"You better not have fucking touched him," he growled.
"What? Why would I?" James asked frantically. "Seriously, what are you even accusing me of right now? I've slept in your bed thousands of times andwenever did anything!"
"But I'm not gay!" Sirius shouted and one by one each of them exhaled and refused any more than that. Brutal silence swept over the apartment.
Remus frowned and looked away sharply.
"Neither am I," James whispered, the implication slapping them all in the face at once. The words seemed to gut him, rip him open and collect in a mass of bloody organs on floor.
"Sirius," Remus said quiet and stern. "Is he out yet?"
Anger rushed out of Sirius. He sagged on the spot, rubbing the back of his neck and staring at the floor. He stumbled over half words and empty sounds before he blinked and shook his head.
"Fuck," he said. "I don't know."
James's hands were shaking by his sides but he didn't know why. A sharp pain bloomed like death in his chest.
"James," Remus warned.
"I know. I know, I won't — I won't say anything."
"Good," Remus nodded while Sirius stared at the ground, clenching and unclenching his fists
"Still," Sirius said with renewed effort. "You can't do that with him! What if you give him the wrong idea? It's cruel."
James didn't know what to say — what tothink. His head was full of syrupy confusion, dragging and crawling across his mind, slowing down his thoughts until they were coming through in tiny fragments composed of different parts of Regulus. His huffed laughter came through in short bursts, followed closely by the small grey spot in his upper right iris, then the corner of his lips as they quirked down, and on and on and on. His stomach twisted.
"I got it," James said, becoming fairly certainhewas the one getting the wrong idea, not Regulus, because surely,surelyReguluslettinghim sleep in his bed meant something. Right? He swallowed hard and retreated numbly to his room before Sirius could shout at him any more.