Episode 1:
Cruisin For A Bruisin'!
Or
The Crisis On One Earth-C!
For the designs of the Bruise Crew:
Pork Machine: looks a lot meaner and nastier than Pig-Iron, has pink skin, long tusks, and cybernetic implants instead of a fully metallic body, wears sunglasses. Looks closer to a boar or warthog than a pig.
Sorcer-Roar: just screams modern-day magical punk magician, a la John Constantine, except she likes milk and fish instead of booze, she'll always be seen eating a trout or sardine and washing it down with some nice cool cow juice.
Elastic-Fowl: somewhat resembles Elongated Man and has red feathers but his costume's blue.
Hardshell: His costume looks like Fastback's, but has the color palette of Reverse-Flash.
Big Fromage: Same outfit as Black Goliath, but is a rat, not a mouse. Definitely has a longer snout, a la Mortimer Mouse, or 1970s-era Chuck E. Cheese.
K-Rot: basically General Zod/Ultraman; he doesn't rely on vegetables to get stronger, much rather relying on avocados and chocolate to gain his powers. [What a nasty combo—YUCK!]
Anarchist Collie: Imagine Yankee Poodle but extremely communist, her look is that of a Russian officer complete with fur cap and also wields a massive sickle and hammer to boot.
And now…let the fun begin!
Dr Hoot's Laboratory - 11:00 AM
In the aforementioned scientific sanctum, the mad doctor himself was seen seething in his own anger and frustration as he gazed upon pictures of all the times The Zoo Crew had soundly thrashed him. He was tired of getting hit by Rubberduck's own elasticity, Yankee Poodle's Stars and Stripes, Alley-Kat-Abra's Magic, Pig-Iron's massive metal knuckles, Fastback's own super speedy hits, Little Cheese's tiny might, and Captain Carrot's powers!
At the peak of his anger, he grabbed a nearby laser gun and fired off furious shots at each photo.
"WHY DO I ALWAYS LOSE TO THOSE HEROES?!" he screamed in a rage. "Every time I try to conceive of something that could help me take over the world: villainous team-ups, the classic giant robots and rayguns of all sorts...it just blows up in my face! Why can there never be a way to beat that brutish boar Pig-Iron, that blue bundle of beamoning, Fastback, the airheaded mutt, Yankee Poodle, the cat-tastrophe that is Alley-Kat-Abra, the pip-squeak Little Cheese, that befowling waterfowl Rubberduck, and that cockamamie crooner of justice, Captain Carrot?!"
And as quickly as he finished ranting, he changed his tune. "But I, Dr Hoot, have found a way!...or so I think..." he declared, before he went over to his computer, and began a search for alternate Earths.
After several minutes of searching, he discovered just what he was looking for—a parallel reality where instead of stopping crime, the super-animals in this reality were COMMITTING crime!
"To borrow a phrase, just what the doctor ordered!" he grinned wickedly. "These super-beings look so familiar, and yet they reek of pure, unrelenting evil!...or at least, as evil as one can get in a comic co-created by the guy who also worked on Pebbles Cereal commercials."
"Somehow, I've got to find a way to bridge the gap between worlds, and recruit them to work for me!" Dr. Hoot exclaimed. "But I'll find a way—even if it takes me a LIFETIME!"
ONE PANEL, FOLLOWED BY EVIL LAUGHTER AND USE OF SINISTER TOOLS LATER…
"Well, whaddya know?" Dr. Hoot asked, standing before a newly-constructed interdimensional portal. "That took less time than I thought!"
[Author's Note: We didn't wanna stretch it out for too long!]
"And now, to see what this baby can REALLY do!" he said, activating the portal and setting its coordinates. "IN THE NAME OF EVIL SCIENCE!"
Meanwhile, in a not-too-far-off dimension, specifically on Earth-Z…
The Bruise Crew were seen causing chaos and destruction, and in the pernicious pursuit of purloined profits!
Elastic Fowl was coiling around the cops like a rubber band using his elasticity powers, Pork Machine used his super-strong cybernetics to smash through every other police barricade, Sorcer-Roar used her magic to tear a vault open like a pinata, and snagged some money, then chugged a milk bottle from her belt and scarfed down a fish, Big Fromage used his growing powers to smash open a nearby police station then swatted aside the helicopters like bugs, Hardshell zoomed away from the cops while he stole people's valuables, Anarchist Collie used her hammer and sickle to smash and slice the weapons of the police—and the police as well, and finally, Kommander K-Rot pulverized the police with his super chocolate-generated powers.
"Get back, you buncha star-wearin' authori-types!" he scowled. "Kommander K-Rot and his Aggressive Bruise Crew are TAKIN' OVER THIS BURG! And we're just gettin' started!"
As the Crew glommed onto their ill-gotten gains, they suddenly saw a swirling portal open, but it sucked them all inside, pulling them through into a totally new dimension!
Eventually, they awoke and saw Dr Hoot standing before them.
Kommander K-Rot sprang to his feet, and grabbed Dr. Hoot by his shirt. "Hey, Feathers! What's the deal, kidnappin' us outta our own dimension?" he snapped. "Don'cha realize we've got more devious doin's to…well, do?! If anything, this whole thing reeks worse than the time I destroyed Marsupial Comics…"
"Yeah, ya better listen to the Kommander, or we'll clobber ya worse than anyone we've ever pounded," Pork Machine declared. "And I do mean WORSE!"
"Wait-wait-wait! Hold your horses!" exclaimed Dr. Hoot, as he slipped from Kommander K-Rot's grip. "No offense to any equines who happen to be in my vicinity. I simply bridged the gateway between your world and Earth-C."
"Vhat is zis Earth-C you speak of?" inquired Anarchist Collie. "It sounds like a sickeningly pretty place filled with peace and harmony."
"I don't like it either, Collie-baby," Elastic Fowl replied as he stretched his neck over Hoot's shoulder, while the bird-brained bad guy started on his presentation. "But let's hear out Dr. Bunsen Honeybear here."
And so, the not-so-good doctor prepared a presentation to display for his criminal cohorts. Once it was ready, he pulled out a pointing stick in order to aid in his explanation.
The first slide was of two Earths. "As one can plainly see, you fellows are from Earth-Z," Dr. Hoot explained, gesturing to the planet on the right side of the diagram. "It's stuffed to the brim with crime, villainy, despair…it's the perfect supervillain getaway!"
He then pointed to the planet on the left side. "And this is where you've been brought—Earth-C. Home of your opposites…Captain Carrot…and his Amazing…Zoo…Crew…" he managed to say as his rage reached a boiling point.
Finally, he could stand it no longer! He broke his pointer in half and threw the pieces down. "Oh, how I hate them! Hate Them! HATE THEM!" he squawked in fury as he stomped on the pieces, then took out another laser blaster, and blasted the pieces into dust.
Meanwhile, the Bruise Crew was looking upon their counterparts with great disgust.
"Отвратительный! My counterpart is clothed in such tacky colors like red, white and blue!" remarked Anarchist Collie. "I will exterminate her, in the name of Mother Russia!"
[Отвратительный!=Disgusting, in Russian]
"Holy Hamster Bait, mine's from The Okefenokee Swamp?!" Hardshell snarled through his gritted teeth. "And I thought I trashed that place years ago!"
"Well, whaddya know! Mine's just a tiny little runt!" Big Fromage snickered. "Looks like dis mook's gonna change his name to squished limburger when I get through with him!"
As the presentation continued, it showed videos of the Zoo Crew's various battles against Dr. Hoot. While they watched, the Bruise Crew tried as best as they could to stifle their laughter.
"Anyway, as I was saying, all this time I've been looking for some way to get the upper hand against them," Dr. Hoot continued. "But I realize now I've been going about it all wrong! I have a plan, and I can utilize your aid in it! The lot of you will pretend to be a new team of superheroes, and your effectiveness will drive them wild with jealousy! In time, they'll come after you…and that will bring them right into the palm of my claw!"
"Whoa-ho-ho! Back up, feather-face!" Big Fromage protested. "You want us to work together as one big goody-two-shoes gang? No dice!"
"Aye, that'd be bloody worse than the time I saw Catsup…" Sorcer-Roar chimed in, guzzling a bottle of milk. "BUUUURP!…I destroyed the theater after that whole bit."
"Dang, now that sounds like THE worst plan ever concocted known to animalkind!" Hardshell said. "We ain't your gophers, and you sure as heck ain't our boss!"
"Oh, true, true…" Hoot responded. "BUT! When the Captain and his Crew of Clods see your true colors, then you'll all get to conquer Earth-C alongside me!" he broke into an evil cackle, until…
"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH—HOOT!" he slapped his hands over his beak. "Another perfectly good evil laugh ruined…"
Meanwhile, at The Z-Building [That's the Zoo Crew's base, for those of you who didn't know!]...
Rodney himself was seen drawing and inking the latest "Just'a Lotta Animals" comic while his best friends, Rova Barkitt and her boyfriend Byrd Rentals, Chester Cheese, Felina Furr, Peter Porkchops, and Timmy Joe Terrapin were all hanging around and relaxing after a long day of uneventful patrolling.
"Nothing like a day all to ourselves, huh Rova?" Byrd said as he bounced into the pool in the form of a spring, then turned into a raft for his girlfriend to get on. "It's almost romantic!...well, not really, but ya get my point."
"Oh sure, Byrd darling." Rova said as she doggy paddled and got onto Byrd's back as she sipped her drink. "Either way, after nabbing Cold Turkey's goons and putting a stop to his schemes yet again, we needed this BADLY. This Monkerita is very refreshing, wouldn't you say?"
"I'll say, Rova," Felina sighed as she was practicing on a dummy with her Kat-Fu skills in her gi. "But admittedly, his scheme to turn all the pizzas in the world cold was ridiculous, even for me!"
"Not for me, Felina! I ain't one of'em." Peter stated as was munching on a whole bunch of pizzas from Poochini's. "Dat's why I whomped him as soon as I heard that he was tryin' ta freeze Poochini's Pizza with da man himself inside!"
"Shoot, Pig-Iron, cant'cha go one day without even thinkin' about'cher stomach?" Timmy Joe asked, while he was on a treadmill going rather fast for his own pace. "Ah swear, the last time a food-related crime was committed, ya beat up on King Kone for stealing your favorite flavor, an' using it as one o' them Ice Cream bazookies."
[An unseen tale, chums. The last time we saw King Kone was in Issue 18, in the Rubberduck adventure "You Scream Ice Cream!"]
"Not to mention the time you went ham on Armordillo for smashing up that burrito truck you like so much!" Little Cheese replied too as he was seen training on a tiny basketball court. "Not that I could blame you, those burritos WERE tasty!"
"Do you guys mind keepin' it down a little?" Rodney replied as he was drawing in a panel of Batmouse using a Batarang with The Item clinging to it against Barkseid. "Working on Rock-N'-Roll Of Ages has been hard enough, but with all this squabble and squawking it's gettin' harder to concentrate on drawing this panel. Can't a bunny get a little quiet around here?"
Just then, the crime alert went off. "Guess I'll hafta wait for that quiet..." relented Rodney as he fished out one of his cosmic carrots.
Within minutes, The Crew quickly changed into costume while Rodney changed into his Captain Carrot costume, and once more, Captain Carrot and his Amazing Zoo Crew took off in the Z-Cruiser.
Rubberduck flew everyone to the scene of the crime; when they eventually landed, they saw The Squawker, Solar Bear, Debbil Dawg, Power Platypus, Slumberjack, and Cheshire Cheetah committing various crimes with their superpowers; Power Platypus, however, didn't have any, but in spite of this he was still having fun smashing into things with his new stunt car.
"HA HA HA! Outta the way, roadhogs!" Power Platypus whooped as he rammed into a poor jaywalker. "Looks like I'm a better stunt driver than Steven Seagull! For once, I hit a guy and it hurt him!"
"Come on, Slumberjack, at least catch up!" Cheshire Cheetah joked as he sped past the two guards who were trying to catch him. "You ain't too fast for a Jackrabbit."
"Oh, we shall see!" Slumberjack called, as he walloped the two passing guards with his own sack before dashing after Cheshire. "Betcha can't steal more goodies than me!"
"Oh, you boys always focus on the goods, the trinkets; why not the art for once, no?" Debbil Dog jeered at the two thieves, then turned a massive statue from Easter Bunny Island into a giant to grab all the art and scare away the art critics there. "After all, good art is hard to find—but very easy to steal!"
"Solar Bear here, with another riveting report!" Solar Bear exclaimed as he touched a nearby police van with his burning touch, causing it to melt as he grabbed the officers inside and then wrapped them in a very heated bear-hug. "It seems these officers are suffering from a nasty case of heatstroke from today's thousand degree weather, courtesy of ME!"
"Well now, Solar Bear. You're doing a FINE job of fricasseeing those cops. I, on the other hand, prefer a more loud approach! RAAAAAWK!" The Squawker remarked, as she let out a sonic squawk so loud that it sent a bunch of cop cars flying into various buildings. "HA HA HA HA! Consider those ones blown to the wayside!"
All of a sudden, Squawker felt a tap on her shoulder. As she turned around, she was met by Anarchist Collie, who used her massive hammer to whack her into a wall, then pinned her there with a sickle. Meanwhile, Hardshell sped in, and punched Solar Bear into a nearby lake to stop his powers from working.
"What the…?!" said The Squawker in surprise at her defeat. "This is impossible! Not even Yankee Poodle could beat me this fast! Now I have a splitting headache…"
"Yeah, right…" replied Solar Bear as he coughed up some water. "And I'm all SOAKED due to Fastback… I think. Was that a new costume he was wearing?"
"It sure as shootin' ain't!" Hardshell retorted as he approached the both of them. "But you two dummies sure as heck went down easier than Mike Bison against Evander Follyfield!"
"Now, comrades," Anarchist Poodle smiled as she grabbed her sickle off of Squawker's cape and then aimed it at them plus her hammer as the two bad guys put their hands up. "Is time to march you off to gulag, da~?"
Meanwhile in the museum, Big Fromage smashed through the museum's walls and took out the Easter Bunny Island statue in one punch.
"That takes care of the lawn ornament," he declared, before turning to Debbil Dog. "And now, for YOU!"
He grabbed Debbil Dawg, then plucked his wand from his paws, and broke it in half like a twig. Krak!
"No! My wand!" yelled the anarchistic artist. "How could you?! I was going to use her to make victory drinks for my crew afterwards!"
"Too bad for youse, tiny!" Big Fromage replied, then he punted Debil Dawg out the door. "Now stay outta this museum if youse knows what's good for ya!"
Meanwhile, Sorcer-Roar cornered Cheshire as he was escaping and shot a fireball at his tail. "Mee-YOWCH!" he shrieked as he leapt into the air, clutching his backside in pain. As he did, Sorcer-Roar blasted an ice spell to encase him in ice.
"Hope that cools you off!" she called as she brought him down slowly.
"Hey babe, ya mind lettin' me outta this block?!" Cheshire shivered. "I'm starting to catch…A-CHOO! Swine Fever!"
"Let me think…" Sorcer-Roar replied, as she scarfed down a sardine and burped. "...No!"
At that same time, Slumberjack wasn't having much luck as he was cornered by Kommander K-Rot, who grabbed him by his ears, then slammed around like a sack of potatoes, kicked around like a hacky sack, and then punched around like a bop bag.
"OW OW OW! Oof! Ouch!" exclaimed the rabbit as he was being beaten senseless. "Okay! Okay! I surrender! I give in! Here I thought you hero-types would go easy on thieves!"
"Easy? Moi?" Kommander K-Rot rebutted as he grabbed the poor rabbit by the throat. "You're barking at the wrong bunny there, you jackass of a rabbit! I'm Kommander K-Rot! Have a nice TRIP!"
The Kommander then spun around the poor jackrabbit thief and then threw him in the air as he then landed onto the pile of beaten bad guys as Power Platypus was last as he stopped driving and looked around for his fellow villains.
"Huh? Where the heck are those jackanapes? Coulda sworn they were right here…" Power Platypus murmured, as he felt his glove compartment start to quiver. As he looked inside, he got a rubbery fist to the face which knocked him out of the vehicle. As he regained his bearings, he saw a massive shadow looming over him. "Uh-oh…"
"That's right 'uh-oh', ya big numbskull!" Pork Machine yelled at the furry flat-footed monotreme as he pulled him out of the car and threw him out into a brick wall. "Now you're gonna get your just desserts in the form of a poundin'! YO, ELASTIC-FOWL!"
"I'm already on it, Pork-Machine!" Elastic Fowl said as he stretched his neck out of the glove compartment. "Just a second…"
The Flexible Fledgling then stretched out of the car, then held Power Platypus up by his outfit, while Pork Machine cracked his knuckles and began pummeling the platypus like a speed bag.
BOPPITA-BOPPITA-BOPPITA-BOPPITA!
Once he finished wailing on him, he pulled Power Platypus free and then positioned him like a football, then punted him into a boulder. [Oooh, that's gotta hurt!]
The evil cyber-pig then grabbed Power Platypus's own car and then started smashing it on top of him, over and over, until it was a giant pile of scrap. Then, he crumpled him and the car into a ball and threw it into the pile of defeated bad guys. Once the fight was done, the citizens gathered around and then cheered at the prospect of new heroes coming to town. The Zoo Crew had just made it, and were utterly confused by the prospect of all of these people cheering at these mysterious new crime-fighting mammals.
"Hiya there, partner! Real swell work ya did back there—even if we were gonna take care of it," The Captain said as he outstretched his hand to shake. "I'm Captain—"
"Yeah, we know; Captain Carrot, right?" K-Rot cut him off, as he shook his hands. "And this is your Amazing Zoo Crew, I take it? Well we're new around here, this is my, uh—Awesome Bruise Crew. Say hello, gang!"
"Gee, youse looks like ya gotta be pumping some major iron with a body like that," Pork Machine said as he felt Pig-Iron's metallic muscles. "Meanwhile, my cybernetics totally got the job done on that Platypus Geek!"
"You don't look too bad yourself. Nice tusks!" complimented Pig-Iron as he pointed at Pork Machine's sharp teeth. "By the way, was it really necessary to beat him up like THAT? That was a little too violent even fer' me!"
"Hey, ya gotta show these chumps that no crime will be tolerated," Pork Machine said, as he rounded on the recently-defeated villains, who gulped and shivered with fear. "Drawin' a line, and all that!"
"Such a beautiful hat for a stunning hero, wouldn't you say, Byrd?" asked Yankee Poodle to her feathered boyfriend. "But the weapons are a bit...much."
"Even I gotta agree there, especially concerning her fiance," Rubberduck said, as he shivered at the sight of Elastic Fowl. "That grimace on his face doesn't exactly exude 'heroism'!"
"And your American garb—it's...a flattering choice." Anarchist Collie replied, not trying to be outright rude. "The afro could be a little bit less, though."
"Well, get a load of this Animal Quacker right next to her!" commented Elastic Fowl with a smirk. "I know it ain't easy bein' green, bucko, but it just ain't your color! Why not switch to white—it fits a chicken!"
"Ever heard of no drinking on the job?" Alley-Kat-Abra informed Sorcer-Roar. "Seriously, that stuff could do horrible things to your body if you don't eat right."
"Ah, go $#&! yourself, hairball!" Sorcer-Roar brushed off her counterpart, before she let out a greasy belch in her face. "Once ya go bass and buttermilk, ya never go back."
"So I see…" Alley-Kat-Abra winced as she fanned the bad breath away, while seeing Sorcer-Roar scarf down another fish. "This breath makes Frogzilla smell minty fresh by comparison."
"You ain't seen NOTHIN' yet, Pardner!" Hardshell retorted. "Especially not with that there tail stickin' out the back o' yer' costume. Now that's embarrassin'! Haw-haw-haw!"
"Hey!" Fastback exclaimed. "It ain't so kindly to mock someone's tail like that!"
"Well well well, I assume you're called LITTLE Cheese!" Big Fromage laughed at his counterpart and slapped him on the back. "What kinda superhero names himself that?! 'Little Cheese'…HAH! What a riot! At least my name sounds cool!"
"'Big Fromage' has the same meaning, you big dimwit!" Little Cheese snapped back. "Fromage's French Poodle for Cheese! And just because you're a big shot doesn't mean you get to pick on somebody smaller than you!"
"Yeah, right! Like youse got any right mockin' ME!" Big Fromage retorted before he punted Little Cheese, and blew a raspberry at him. "Hasta lumbago, Little Cheese! NYAH-NYAH, NYAH-NYAH-NYAH!"
"Well, your crew certainly is an...interesting bunch," commented Captain Carrot. "So, do you use vegetables to gain your powers, like with me and my Cosmic Carrots?"
"Cosmic Carrots? BLEGH!" Kommander K-Rot gagged in disgust. "I'd rather munch on Avocados and Chocolate than that sissy stuff. In fact..." he got out an avocado, dipped in some chocolate, and scarfed it down. "Why wouldja name yourself after a carrot?! Wouldn't 'Captain Bunny' or 'Captain Rabbit' make more sense?"
"Well, uhh… I like alliteration." smiled Captain Carrot, but he gagged upon seeing his counterpart scarfing down his snack. "Do ya hafta eat that stuff in front of me? I'm allergic to chocolate and avocados!"
"Too bad! It's how I get my powers!" Kommander K-Rot declared. "We gotta go now! See ya next crime!" And he and the Bruise Crew took off into the distance.
The Zoo Crew all looked utterly confused as their more unscrupulous counterparts left...followed by a screaming pack of fans, clamoring for autographs.
One thing was certain—they knew something was up with these guys, but what could it be?
END OF PART ONE!