We left for Dagheim at first light. Uncle Freyr and Nanny Grid helped push Hela on a wheeled cart, and I led the way. Mum brought up the back with Tiwaz in a small box, comforting his yowls. Even after being reassured that we could return occasionally to check on him, she refused to leave him in the house alone. The cat was her first child, after all.
Father walked with me, yet he kept to himself. Didn't ask me about Riggs's letter. Didn't check to see if I'd had yet another nightmare. Maybe he knew I did—maybe he knew they'd never really go away.
Within, I cursed him for not warning me enough. I hated that I now had war and carnage on my mind. I hated that he hadn't done enough to set my psyche up to hurt the young men brought up at my side. Their names continued to flash in my mind in perfect order of their losses, sometimes with a too-detailed image of their final wounds. Each mental intrusion made me shudder and clench my jaw uncomfortably.
The portal to Dagheim wasn't quite ready yet. The light crept closer, highlighting my own frantic footsteps left in the dirt from when I raced home four weeks ago. I dug a line with my toes over the tracks and kept my head low, discouraging conversation.
No one spoke to me, as planned, but Mum was restless. "Do you think he knows to expect us?" she asked to anyone who might answer.
"Heimdall can't be surprised," Father said. "At least, that used to be true. Do you think even his magic waned, Freyr?"
"I wish I knew," Uncle Freyr said. "He's not Vanir. Most of the fading power I've seen would've been fed by the Don River. Now that it's gone, there's no telling what the rest of Yggdrasil's mystic arts will do."
"So much for fading power," I muttered.
"How do you mean?" Uncle Freyr asked.
I folded my arms and looked toward the sky. "Hela's is so strong, she had all of Asgard's army in a trance. Modi's order or not, I don't think I could do that. Not on my best day."
They were all quiet. Annoyingly so.
I turned around and caught them all glancing at one another in a tacit way that suggested a shared secret. "What?"
Mum shrugged at Grid.
It hit me harder than it should've. "Right. I see it. Of course she could do that and I can't, because my magic's nothing by comparison."
Father stepped forward. "No, Vali—"
"Yes. It's the truth. It's always been the truth. I couldn't compete with Narvi, can't compete with Hela. My worth's not in magic. It's my skill with a sword."
"We didn't say that," Mum countered shakily.
"You didn't need to. I can feel it. I can always feel it. And I've felt it even more since she came home, haven't you? We're far from the house and the air is still fuzzy. She's been leaking her magic all over the place." I sniffed hard and was grateful the portal was ripe, allowing me to step through it without further quarrel.
Travel helped clear my head. The heat of Dagheim fell over me, almost refreshing compared to the beige existence of Narvlheim limbo. I squinted against the bright light that caught me through the trees and blindly stepped forward to make room for our party. Regardless if my family wanted to comfort me, I would no longer accept their platitudes, especially not while keeping up appearances on Dagheim.
Father predictably touched my shoulder once he arrived, but I brushed him off and bowed my head for Heimdall, who was indeed present to welcome us. "Sir," I said, ignoring the discomfort in my side while bending at the waist. "Should I presume you know why we have come?"
"Mm," Heimdall said, shaking Father's hand and virtually ignoring me altogether as he greeted everyone else. "How is she?"
"Much the same, but there was an incident yesterday." Father walked back to the cart with Heimdall and briefly updated him on Hela's status and the curious event the night before. The five of them encircled her and traded nods while discussing their theories.
I remained just out of earshot on purpose and kept my eyes closed. The quiet animals all around us were so different from the ones I'd gotten reacquainted with on searches for solutions. Their tunes were cheerful and so far removed from the sadness that followed me everywhere. Part of me pitied them simply because my presence might dampen their songs like I had everything else lately.
I felt unworthy of their company. Unworthy of my magic. Unworthy of Riggs. Unworthy of fixing Hela. Unworthy of feeling Narvi. Unworthy of life altogether. Without being able to say it, I was desperate for any sign that said otherwise.
"Vali?" Mum raised my chin and interrupted my introspection. "My love, we're taking her to Heimdall's home now."
It wasn't quite the grounding reset I prayed for. I opened my eyes and found hers below. "Right. Onward, then."
She softened her expression and let her hand drop, though everything about her attitude was pregnant with unsaid things. The only way to avoid them and spare both of us was to charge ahead toward the house. Since she didn't bother trying to stop or slow me down, I took it as a sign that she was just as happy to set those words aside for now as I was not to hear them.
Dagheim mourned the carnage on Asgard quietly. Red sheets adorned the doors of families who lost someone. There weren't many who opted to join Asgard's army from here, but Modi's crimes tainted the previously boisterous streets compared to my last visit. People didn't commune outside; isolation was safer, more predictable, even if the universal enemy was only a single an.
I couldn't help but wish I had a red cloth to hang over my chest and announce to all how I felt tainted by my memory. Like an old version of myself had perished, too. Maybe it would've made me feel less like a liar to keep my head up.
Heimdall's home was flat compared to ours on Narvlheim, with a single story instead of two and a long hallway split into several rooms on either side. With many of Heimdall's older children away at homes of their own on other realms, we were fortunate to have enough space for all of us.
We brought Hela to the northernmost room at the end of the hall, which was petite enough to feel cramped in any other circumstance, but surely she wouldn't mind in her current state. Father transferred her to the small bed, and she remained completely unaware and unresponsive above breathing. Tucked into the narrow sheets below, she looked more helpless than before. Her unkempt hair frizzed around her face since the plait we kept it in loosened somewhat as we traveled. Dagheim's climate and staunch yellow light made her look sickly pale.
I stood watch at her door without being asked. Mum and Father were satisfied to leave us alone and socialize with the others in the kitchen, but I kept praying Hela would open her eyes again. I cleared my throat repeatedly to alleviate the tickle at the back of my mouth, yet nothing helped. As annoying as it was, I was sure it came from Hela, and that meant she was alive enough to run spells in her mind. At least, that's what I told myself.
I rocked on my heels, arms crossed save for nibbling at my thumb. Please make it through. For all our sakes. I wished I could trade places with her, though that would've removed my lone shred of control. Hopelessness made me an empty shell. I could only pray that the bitter thoughts running through me wouldn't warp my being permanently.
The energy around me changed. It grew lighter. Hair at the back of my neck stood up, and a rush of heat found its way to the top of my head. Of course, her presence was beyond powerful. I'd trained myself to know it anywhere.
"How is she?" Riggs whispered, stepping up to my right side and facing straight ahead as I was.
"No change." I didn't turn to look at her. I was afraid it would crumble my resolve. "For all she's gone through, though, it might be best if she stays this way. Quiet."
"Have the doctors told you anything?"
I shook my head. "That's why we've come. We must find Modi...force him to answer for whatever's been done to her. It's been too long for the doctors to solve it, yet it borders between her body and her spirit. Perhaps magic can fix it yet."
"Have faith that it will." She sighed quietly, like even she didn't truly believe her own words.
My body burned from deep within. She enticed my nerves like a magnet. The longer I resisted the pull between us, the more resolved I became in maintaining my position. Can't deviate from my family now. Can't allow any interference.
Riggs clicked her tongue in the silence. "Astrid stopped by for a visit last week. Did you know the Valkyrie had a separate banquet planned for the next night?"
"Of course. For which I'm grateful." I closed my eyes and instantly saw flashes of bloody memories that made me grimace sorely. "That wasn't an accident."
"You know that annoyed her, though. She wanted to fight."
"That's because she didn't have to." I huffed and raked through my hair. "Modi didn't want women fighting on his side. Or perhaps he knew Hela wouldn't be able to control them so easily. Whatever the reason, she should count herself lucky to have avoided his reach."
Riggs remained quiet, pulling words out of me in the vacuum.
"I hate him," I whispered, pinching the bridge of my nose. "He's ruined me."
"There, there." She hummed and leaned forward to enter my line of sight. "You're far from ruined. Injured, from what I understand. Not ruined."
I sniffed sharply and wiped my eyes, already too late to save my dignity. "Yes. Well. Can't use that as an excuse to be weak."
"You're not weak, either—"
"I am." I finally met her gaze and let out some bottled brutality. "I'm weak and should've been more focused. You weren't there, Riggs. You didn't see it. I can say with certainty, no matter how strong you are, no one can prepare you to kill those who depend on your protection. I'll forever be thankful that Modi's misogyny kept you safe from what I had to do."
"What's all this?" Father said, coming through the hall behind us. "Hela can hear your shouting."
"Forgive me," I said, bowing my head as if he were my superior instead of my parent. "I'm not staying anyway. I have families to address here."
"Wait," he said with hands up and eyes wide. "It's unwise to welcome any ire, son. Especially when Hela's with us."
"Why? Isn't it my duty as Captain to honor those who perished on my watch?"
"That would be more appropriate if you weren't the one who fell them."
"Vali," Riggs said gently, making my heart leap. "It's not wrong to fully heal first."
I didn't hesitate. It was a necessary escape on all fronts. "No. You are both wrong. The fact I took their lives is precisely why I should say something. You might be afraid to face the people you've hurt, Father, but I'm not. I want them to know that I did so with reservations. I want them to know Hela had no control. I want to share the stories and memories that will keep them with me forever. Prove I have grief. If they throw me out, so be it. But I refuse to hide."
Riggs brushed my hand. "Let me go with you."
I stared ahead at Father. "No. It's my burden. If the people of Yggdrasil are ever to trust me again, I have to face them alone." Without answering her sweet touch or confirming my own injury, I marched down Heimdall's hallway and back into Dagheim's sunlight, ready to bear my soul and beg forgiveness one family at a time.
