Hi everybody! I hope you all are doing well and Happy New Year.
To all of my American readers, if you've been tuned in to the news and everything going on in our country, I just wanted to extend some of my love to you. I know how heavy and anxiety inducing all of this is. I know this feeling of fear and doom can be paralyzing. My one piece of advice is to limit screen time and take care of yourself. Drink water, go outside, connect with your friends, and do things that bring you joy whether that's your art, reading a good book, watching your favorite show, etc. Remember you aren't alone and there's millions of us out there that are just as angry as you. We will never give up the fight for our human rights and our freedoms. Every storm eventually runs out of rain, and love always, always wins. Never forget that. All my love, 3mison.
Chapter Twenty-One: Changeless
Emily
'SUNDAY BEST'
"Do you remember that night I turned up on your doorstep?
I was wearing my Sunday best. You watched the mascara as it ran down like fault lines, and you knew I had blood on my lips.
I'm tired of running, I said —
and the earth shook a little.
So am I, you replied
as it shook a little more.
I don't want anyone else, I whispered.
And I felt myself crumble.
You held out your arms and I was cracked porcelain. We looked at each other as we stood at the precipice. And I knew once I fell, I'd never stop falling. And everything before you would be time to kill. You said you were scared but you couldn't ignore it.
And that was the moment when we became real."
-poetry and prose from Memories by Lang Leav
Emily buried her head farther into her pillow as she slowly came to consciousness.
Well, more like trying to fight off consciousness.
She was desperate to sleep off her hangover.
She squeezed her eyes tighter together when she felt the pounding of her head.
Groaning, she attempted to roll onto her other side to submerge herself fully into her bed, but the body pressed up against her backside halted her movements.
Immediately, her eyes shot open.
Oh god.
It took all of one second for her to realize where she was.
And more importantly, who she was with.
Whose bed she was in.
Whose body was spooning her.
Whose arm was draped around her stomach.
As shocking as that fact was, the nausea rising from her stomach jolted her out of the bed.
Emily not so carefully removed Alison's arm from around her body and stumbled out of the bed.
It didn't take her long to find the bathroom and rush to the toilet.
She felt the full force of embarrassment and regret as she threw up into the DiLaurentis' toilet.
This is the worst.
God this is so embarrassing.
Emily slowly started to recollect her memories from last night.
She remembered texting Paige about the party.
She remembered driving there.
She remembered how she pretended to be happy while she took shots with the other girls on the swim team.
She remembered Alison finding her.
She remembered yelling at Hanna for babying her.
She remembered-
"-Fuck," Emily cursed into the toilet bowl.
She remembered...what she said.
Emily flinched as she heard a faint knock on the bathroom door.
"Emily, can I come in?" Alison asked softly behind the door.
"Yeah."
She heard the creak of the door opening and the soft padding of the blonde's feet approaching her.
"Are you okay?" Alison asked.
Emily dejectedly lifted her head and met the blue eyes looking down at her with concern.
"Just peachy."
Alison smirked and kneeled down beside her.
"We really need to get out of the habit of this," Alison joked.
She knew the blonde was referring to the two of them taking turns caring for one another after drinking.
Emily mustered up a smile.
Just as she was about to reply, another wave of nausea flooded her body.
She felt Alison's hand rub her back as she emptied rest of the alcohol that was left in her stomach.
"I'll go get you some water, okay?" Alison said after Emily had finished.
Emily nodded and shifted her back against the bathroom wall as Alison left to go to the kitchen.
The memory of last night came back to her again in full force.
She leaned her head up against the wall and shut her eyes.
Goddamnit.
This is why you don't drink Emily.
What am I going to do?
Wait, Ali doesn't know that I remember.
I did drink a lot.
We didn't talk about what I said...thanks to me throwing up right after I said it.
God that was embarrassing.
Ugh I slept in her bed.
Why did I do that?
Wait, we didn't...? No, no we both had our clothes on.
Thank god.
There would be no going back from that.
Plus, if we did do that I definitely would've remembered.
I can't believe-
"-I got you some ibuprofen too," Alison said, interrupting her thoughts.
Emily slowly opened her eyes.
"Thanks," she replied, grimacing as she forced her weak body to reach up and take the glass of water from Alison.
She made herself drink the water despite the nausea that was still lingering.
Alison knelt down in front of her again and held out the pills in her hand.
Emily begrudgingly took them from her.
As she swallowed the pills she watched Alison stand up and awkwardly put her hands in her pajama shorts.
Emily followed suit and slowly pulled herself up to her feet.
"Would you, um, care if I..." Emily nodded towards the shower.
"Oh! Sure, of course," Alison answered, stumbling over her words.
They made quick eye contact with each other and both looked away.
If Emily wasn't so hungover she'd probably want to crawl out of her skin from the awkwardness of it all.
"Do you still know how to work the shower?"
"Yeah, thanks."
Emily smiled softly at her.
Alison gave her a smile back, but Emily could read through it.
She watched her leave the bathroom and shut the door behind her.
As soon as she was alone Emily let out a sigh.
She knew she messed up...bad.
She could see it in Alison's eyes.
The expectation.
The hesitation.
The waiting.
Emily gingerly bent down and turned on the water.
Her body ached from head to toe.
She slowly pulled off the clothes she had on from yesterday and stepped into the running water.
Emily breathed in a sigh of relief.
As the warm water ran over her, she closed her eyes.
Her thoughts swarmed her like bees ready to sting at any moment.
She ran from them.
Pushed them down as far as she could.
She didn't want to think of her dad.
She wouldn't allow herself too.
She couldn't feel the weight of it because if she felt it, fully felt it, she feared she wouldn't be able to breath again.
In truth, she was scared of herself.
Her whole world had tilted off of its axis.
She had since felt like she was a victim to time as it drug her forward with no care or compassion.
She didn't want to go back to the past few days and feel the weight of grief that had been plaguing her.
She didn't want to go forward into the future and feel the weight of the absence of him.
So there she stood in the steamy air, perpetually stuck in the present moment, numb and struggling for air.
Emily let out a unsteady breath and reached for the shampoo.
Alison's shampoo.
She looked down at the bottle in her hand.
Even something as simple as a familair scent pulled on her heart strings.
It's just shampoo.
That's all.
She lathered the expensive product into her hair.
She felt robotic, moving through motions that were easy...thoughtless.
Everything else was too much to feel.
Her dad...and Alison.
Emily let the water rinse her hair.
As much as she tried to push it away, the look in Alison's eyes came to the forefront of her mind.
As unfair as it was, Emily knew she held the power right now.
She knew Alison was waiting on her to make the next move.
Emily knew there were one of two ways she could let this play out.
She could either take the cowards way out and pretend she didn't remember what she said, or she could face the weight of those words.
But facing the weight of those words meant that she had to face the weight of her feelings...her feelings for the girl whose shower she was currently in.
And Emily wasn't sure if she was capable of feeling them.
She was so deep in thought that she nearly jumped out of her skin when she heard a knock on the bathroom door.
"Em, I brought you a clean towel and some fresh clothes. I'll just leave them by the door."
"You can just bring them in," Emily replied over the sound of the water running.
What a mess...an awkward mess.
"And it's all your fault dummy," a voice in Emily's head rebuttled.
She heard Alison enter the bathroom, so she peaked her head out from around the shower curtain.
Alison was setting the towel and the clothes on the bathroom sink.
"Thank you."
Alison seemed startled that Emily acknowledged her.
She watched the blonde avoid eye contact with her.
"No problem," Alison replied, finally looking her in the eye for a short moment.
Emily was fully aware that her standing there naked behind a flimsy shower curtain wasn't the fairest thing to be doing to Alison, but she was trying her hardest to make it seem like this was a totally normal situation and undo the giant mess of the web she had spun.
"Yeah Em, it's totally normal to be taking a shower in your ex-girlfriend's house and let her come inside the bathroom and then wonder why she's blushing!"
"And oh yeah, you told her you were still in love with her last night. That helps!"
Emily would be lying if she said Alison was the only one effected by everything.
Of course Emily felt warmth spread throughout her body when the blonde was looking at her while she was showering.
Of course Emily felt butterflies when she realized Alison was cuddling her in bed this morning. Granted, that was a very short moment before she had to throw up, but nonetheless she felt it.
Of course she felt it all.
Because what she drunkingky said to Alison last night was the truth.
She was still in love with her.
"Do you need anything else?" Alison asked while breaking eye contact and fiddling with the sleeve on her sweater.
"I'm good, thanks."
Emily was expecting the blonde to leave after that.
She was expecting Alison to follow an unspoken set of rules that were between them and continue in the awkward dance they had been doing ever since she had came back from Texas.
A dance that Emily had been in entire control of...fair or unfair, Emily had held the cards.
But whether Emily wanted to accept it or not, she shattered those rules the very moment she said those words last night.
So Emily was surprised when Alison took a few bold steps closer to her and looked her straight in the eyes.
"How are you feeling?"
Emily felt her own cheeks warm up then.
She suddenly felt bare.
Not just the fact that she was naked.
She felt emotionally naked.
She exposed herself last night.
And what she didn't account for, was Alison making the next move, not her.
"I-I'm okay," Emily stuttered back.
Her stomach flipped when Alison reached a hand up to cheek.
"You're pale," Alison murmured.
Emily's eyes fluttered closed against her own will as the blonde's fingers lightly touched her skin.
Emily parted her lips but no words came out.
She was frozen, but just as soon as the moment came, it left.
Alison pulled her hand away.
"Do you want me to make you breakfast?"
Emily took a breath.
She didn't realize she had been holding her breath that whole time.
"No, thank you. I'll be alright," she replied while swiping a strand of her wet hair behind her ear.
Alison pursed her lips.
Emily knew the look she was getting from her.
It felt as if Alison was trying to read her every thought.
Emily felt entirely stripped of all walls she had so desperately tried to build up over the past months.
They had all but vanished within seconds of her confessing her true feelings.
"Okay, well I'll leave you to it."
Alison glanced back at her one more time before leaving her alone again.
At that, Emily submerged herself back into the water and tilted her head back, letting it cascade over her face.
She wanted to stay there.
She didn't want to face the impending conversation.
She was also trying to avoid the guilt.
She knew it wasn't fair of her in the slightest to be doing this to Alison.
She didn't want to do this at all to her.
She didn't plan on telling her that she was still in love.
She didn't want to tell her.
But now it was too late.
The damage had been done.
The question of where her true feelings stood was no longer in the air.
The real question now is if she'll face the music or run from it.
Neither seemed like a good option to her.
Emily turned off the water and stepped out of the tub.
She could tell the medicine Alison had given her was starting to kick in, but she still felt awful.
She breathed in the scent from the towel Alison had brought her.
It comforted her.
The smell was so distinctly Alison.
The mix of her family's laundry detergent and the very recognizable smell of vanilla.
Emily snapped herself out of it and began drying herself off, but she stopped herself when her eyes landed on the shirt Alison had laid out for her.
It was a shirt she hadn't seen in a very long time...in over a year to be exact.
Emily dropped the towel onto the ground and grabbed the shirt with a shaky hand.
It was one of her old Sharks swimteam tshirts.
She had many of them, but this one was very recognizable.
There was a small hole by the collar of the shirt.
Emily swallowed thickly.
She had a suspicion Alison had taken the shirt, but this had confirmed it.
She had given that shirt to Alison the first time she had stayed the night at Emily's house.
It felt like an enternity ago.
The other item of clothing was a pair of jogger sweatpants she must have left at Alison's house months ago.
She kept these all this time?
Emily inhaled deeply, pushing the thought away and pulling the shirt over her head.
She finished dressing, wrapped the towel up in her hair, and grabbed her dirty clothes before taking one final breath and leaving the bathroom.
She hesitantly opened Alison's bedroom door to find the blonde sitting on her chair by the vanity applying makeup.
Alison spun around in her chair once she saw Emily.
"How was your shower?"
Emily avoided eye contact and walked over to the side of bed that she slept on to grab her phone off of the nightstand.
"Good, thank you."
"You don't have to thank me for a shower Em," Alison teased.
Emily glanced back at her.
"I do. And thank you for...for helping me last night," she replied as she pulled the towel off her head.
"You don't have to thank me for that either."
Emily turned around to face her.
"I do," she snapped, changing the mood in the room drastically.
Alison's smile dropped from her face.
"It's not your responsibility to take care of me is all I mean," Emily explained herself more kindly.
"You had a lot to drink. I was only making sure you were safe."
"I know, but I would've been fine. Paige was there."
At that, Alison rolled her eyes.
"Don't do that," Emily complained.
Alison raised an eyebrow.
"Do what?"
Emily sighed and tossed her clothes onto the bed.
"Roll your eyes."
"I'm sorry but Paige didn't even know where you were at that party," Alison replied hotly.
"I didn't need a babysitter Alison."
"Why did you even go to that party Emily? You shouldn't-"
"-Don't tell me what I should and shouldn't do! You're not my-"
"-girlfriend?" Alison challenged with a pointed look.
Her and Alison stared at each other intensely.
"Mom," Emily spat back.
"You said the same thing last night," Alison muttered almost incoherently.
Emily sighed and turned back around to grab her clothes.
"Emily..." Alison started.
Don't mention it Ali.
Please don't.
She already knew what Alison was beginning to say before she even said it.
"Thank you for letting me stay here last night, but I need to go home."
She knew she sounded cold, but avoidance was the card she chose to play and she was going to play it.
Now she just hoped Alison would play along.
Please don't say it, she thought as she stuffed her clothes inside her purse.
"Emily, can we talk about something?"
Crap.
"I don't really feel the best Ali," she replied as she zipped up her bag.
Please drop it.
"You said something to me last night. Something...important. Do you remember?"
Emily looked up at the wall in front of her, avoiding looking the girl standing behind her.
Her heart was pounding out of her chest and her hands shook.
Emily knew what she was about to say would cut deep, but she had already made up her mind.
"Alison I was so drunk I don't even remember how we got here last night," she lied shamefully, her voice wavering in the process.
She hoped it was convincing as she turned back around with her bag in hand.
The look on Alison's face was a punch to the gut.
It was almost enough to make her cave, but she couldn't backtrack now.
She had already committed to her lie and chose the path she would go down.
"You really don't remember?" Alison asked.
Her voice sounded broken...defeated even.
"No, why? What did I say?"
She chose to fabricate her lie even more by questioning the blonde.
"Nothing. It doesn't matter," Alison answered with defeat in her voice.
Emily thought she would've felt relief that Alison didn't press the issue, but seeing the disappointment in Alison's eyes made her question the choice she made.
It made her question herself.
It made her question who she was becoming...or maybe who she already had become.
She didn't recognize herself.
She blatantly lied to the girl she loved more than anything without batting an eye.
All because she was scared.
In that very moment, Emily crossed a line and she knew it, but she didn't have time to dwell on it. Not now, anyways.
Whether she was running from Alison or running from herself, it didn't matter.
All she knew was that she needed to get away from her.
"Okay, well...I'll get these back to you," Emily said, referring to the clothes she had on.
Emily knew if she stayed any longer she wouldn't be able to keep up the facade.
"It's fine. Keep it. They're yours anyways," Alison replied dismissively.
Emily could've sworn she saw tears in Alison's eyes before the blonde turned back around to organize her makeup on her vanity.
She knew Alison was doing it so that she wouldn't have to look at her.
She knew what she just did hurt Alison even more than the damage she had already done.
It tore her apart.
But her own fear trampled any hesitations she had about lying to Alison.
It took everything in Emily to not step towards her, but instead she willed herself to walk towards the bedroom door.
She was about to leave entirely but she turned back around.
"Ali..."
It killed her even more to see the flash of hope in Alison's eyes when they met hers again.
"Thanks again for letting me stay."
Once again she saw Alison's face fall.
Alison gave her a forced, tight-lipped smile.
"Anytime."
Emily nodded.
"I'll, uh, see you around?" she asked with her hand on the doorknob.
Alison couldn't even look at her now.
"Yeah," the blonde breathed out.
Emily hesitated once more, but she ultimately decided to leave.
And she hated herself for it.
Emily's eyes fluttered open from a deep sleep the second time that day.
As soon as she made it home from Alison's house she went straight to bed.
She had slept so hard that when she woke up, for a quick moment, she forgot everything.
She had forgotten about her dad.
She had forgotten what had happened with Alison.
It was a serene time of peace as her eyes focused on her surroundings.
As she slowly came to, reality swept back in and made her gasp for air.
She shot straight up in bed, clutching her chest and struggling to catch a breath.
This feeling was new.
The feeling of her chest tightening...her fingers going numb...her ears ringing...her heart beating rapidly...her lungs fighting to take in a deep breath.
It started the morning after her dad had passed.
The second time it happened was after another nap she had taken the afternoon following her father's funeral.
She woke up in a similar fashion: gasping for air and her heart pumping erratically.
It was that very feeling yesterday that pushed her to find some sort of reprieve.
It led to her finding a party where (knowing Rosewood was bound to be happening somewhere at someone's house on a Friday night) she could escape to and drink it all away.
The alcohol helped.
It warmed her body and allowed her to drown it all out.
She thought this strange feeling was gone...whatever it was.
But it all came rushing back with a vengeful force.
Her hands shook as she reached for her phone and typed a text message.
Once she received a text back, Emily's breathing started to slow.
The pressure in her chest started to release.
Her hearing returned to normal.
She inhaled a full breath of air into her lungs.
The opportunity to be somewhere else rather than in her home gave her a moment of comfort.
Somewhere to go to.
Somewhere to be other than here.
She pulled herself out of bed and started tying on her tennis shoes.
She didn't think to check herself in the mirror for the fact that she was only going to Spencer's house, but she instinctively glanced at her reflection before she exited her room.
She halted in her steps after seeing her attire.
Emily pulled off the old tshirt and walked over to her closet, putting on a sweatshirt instead.
As Emily descended the stairs, she heard familiar voices in the living room.
One of her aunts and her grandmother were still staying at their house.
The rest of their family had slowly left after the funeral.
Most of the time it was nice to have her family in town considering it was always just her and her mother...and sometimes her dad when he was home, but now she just wanted to avoid them.
Their presence was only a reminder of what had happened.
So she carefully rounded the end of the banister, trying to be quite as she could.
"Oh Emmy! You're up!" her grandma said from the living room.
Emily sighed and walked over to them.
"We're looking at old photos of your dad in the service. Come sit with us," her aunt chimed in.
Emily quickly redirected her eyes from the photos they had laid out across the coffee table.
She couldn't bare to look at them.
"Thanks, but I'm going over to Spencer's."
"Emily, you stayed there last night. Your aunt and grandma are only in town for a few more days," her mom argued.
"Pam let the girl go see her friend. I'm sure she doesn't want to spend her Saturday night with us old farts."
Emily smiled at her grandma.
"You also haven't ate dinner," her mom added.
"I'm fine."
"When was the last time you ate?"
"Mom, the Hastings will have something for me to eat."
Pam gave her a look, but ultimately she relented.
"Alright, but you need to be back before 10. We have church in the morning."
Emily sighed.
"Okay."
Normally she would argue tooth and nail about going to church, but she knew it brought her mom some sort of comfort.
Ever since her father had passed, Pam had submerged herself into religion even more so than she already was.
She had walked in on her mother reading the Bible and praying on multiple occasions now.
"Tell Spencer hi for us," her grandmother said.
"I will."
Emily quickly said her goodbyes and exited the home that had done nothing but suffocate her the past few days.
She shivered when she felt the cool breeze after she got outside.
Fall was quickly approaching.
Even though it was a little chilly, she decided to walk.
She welcomed the cool air.
It seemed to ease her mind to help her think.
As Emily made her way to the Hastings, she was reminded of a walk she made many months ago.
That time, however, she was walking towards the house next door.
The Dilaurentis' home.
Emily had done everything in her power to forget that day, but now she was trying to remind herself of how she felt.
The anger she felt when Alison said yes to going to prom with Tyler.
The awful sense of acceptance she felt when she knew she had to end their relationship.
The way the rain felt on her skin.
Emily thought that if she forced herself to remember why she did what she did that day, that maybe it would keep her from making the same mistake again.
That maybe, if she simply reminded herself of all the ways she had hurt Alison and all of the ways Alison had hurt her, it would kill the wanting...the desires...the love she had for Alison.
Maybe.
She had already tried everything else.
She moved to Texas for the summer.
She even tried a new relationship with someone else.
So maybe avoidance wasn't the answer.
Maybe facing the pain of what had ensued between the two of them was the answer.
Her walking slowed as she reached the street corner where Spencer and Alison's homes resided.
She swallowed the lump in her throat and kept on moving.
Emily didn't dare look over at Alison's house as she hastily walked past it.
She thought she made it home free but she was sorely mistaken.
"Emily! Is that you?"
Emily flinched in surprise.
Mrs. Dilaurentis was sitting on her swing of the front porch with a wine glass in hand.
"Hi Mrs. Dilaurentis," Emily greeted from the sidewalk.
She wanted to continue walking towards Spencer's, but Jessica continued speaking to her.
"I haven't seen you in ages."
Emily sighed as she got dragged into another conversation, but she was raised better than to be rude and walk away.
So she slowly approached the porch and walked up the front yard.
"How are you dear?" Jessica asked.
"I'm doing good. How are you?"
As Emily exchanged formalities, she glanced up at Alison's bedroom window.
The light was on.
"Oh I'm the same as ever."
Emily forced a small smile and looked down at the gravel underneath her shoes.
"Well I should get going I-"
"-I spoke with your mother but I haven't had a chance to extend my condolences to you. Your father was a good man. I'm so sorry for your loss."
It wasn't the first time Emily had heard those words in the past 24 hours.
She knew it was the right thing of people to say, but Emily didn't know how to respond to it.
"Thank you," Emily responded dully.
"I keep asking Alison to invite you over, but she always has something going on. You know her."
Emily offered up another awkward smile.
"I do miss seeing you. The two of you would always be laughing about something."
Emily was now starting to wish she walked away as soon as she saw Mrs. Dilaurentis.
"Well it was nice to see you Mrs. Dilaurentis," Emily said, hoping Jessica would get the hint and let her escape.
"Would you like to stay for dinner? Alison is making chicken Parmesan."
"Oh, thank you, but I was just on my way to the Hastings..."
Please for the love of god let me leave.
"Alright dear well it good to see you. Don't be a stranger."
Just as Emily was about to turn on her heels and get out of there, the front door swung open.
"Mom dinner is-"
Alison stopped speaking as their eyes locked onto each other's.
Emily was sure that she looked like a deer caught in headlights.
"Alison look who's here!"
If I thought this morning was awkward, boy was I wrong.
"I was on my way over to Spencer's..." Emily explained, glancing up at the blonde.
Alison gave a short nod.
The two of them hadn't looked away from each other, but Emily could tell that it was hard for the blonde to see her.
"I was just telling Emily that she should stay for dinner," Mrs. Dilaurentis continued, completely oblivious to awkwardness that permeated between the two girls.
Emily looked over at Mrs. Dilaurentis.
"Thank you for the offer again, but I really should get going."
Emily's eyes traveled back to Alison, but as soon as their eyes met again Alison directed her attention to her mom.
"Dinner is done," Alison said as she turned to go back inside the house.
"Alison don't be rude. Don't you have something to say..." Jessica said pointedly, nodding her head in Emily's direction.
Kill me now.
Alison looked like she wanted to die just as much as Emily did.
She huffed and forced herself to look back at Emily.
"Do you want to have dinner with us?" Alison asked as kindly as she could to satisify her mother.
"I-It's fine. I already ate," Emily lied but she didn't care.
She figured Alison wanted her gone just as much as she did.
Alison pursed her lips and nodded.
"Well you should at least get her some in a to-go container Alison," Jessica instructed.
"Mrs. Dilaurentis, I'm okay. I promise."
Emily was practically begging at this point to leave.
"Oh nonsense. You look skinnier than ever and plus the two of us won't be able to finish it. I'll go get you some," she said as she stood up from the porch swing.
"I can get it," Alison said.
Emily knew the only reason Alison offered was so that she wouldn't be left alone with her.
She could practically hear the desperation in the blonde's voice.
Emily felt beyond guilty.
Lately Emily had been the one avoiding Alison, but now that she had massively screwed up, Alison was the one trying to get away from her.
"Hush, catch up and I'll be right back," Jessica replied and walked past Alison into the house.
The air felt heavy once they were left alone.
Emily kicked a rock on the ground and Alison shifted the weight on her legs, both girls not saying a word.
"Sorry about that," Alison apologized for her mother, finally speaking up so that they both didn't stand there in silence.
Damn is it that obvious I'd rather be anywhere but here?
"It's okay."
"When she's drinking she can't really catch a hint," Alison breathed out in annoyance.
Emily smiled weakly and went back to pushing rocks around with her shoes.
Alison walked forward towards the top of the porch steps, making Emily turn her attention to her.
Emily heard Alison inhale as if she was trying to gain the strength to speak.
"I wanted to let you know that I'm transferring out of the class we have together."
Alison's voice sounded detatched.
Emily's eyes furrowed.
"Ali, you don't have to do that."
"I think it's for the best."
Alison looked out into the neighborhood, avoiding eye contact.
Emily could see tears forming in her eyes.
She climbed up a step closer to Alison.
"You don't have to do this for me."
Alison gave her a small smile for a moment.
"I'm not."
Emily knew what she meant by that.
Alison wasn't doing it for her. She was doing it for herself.
I've hurt her so badly that she can't even be around me...even at school.
"Ali...I'm sorry."
I'm sorry I've been stringing you along.
I'm sorry that I said what I said.
I'm sorry I lied about it.
I'm sorry I'm a coward.
I'm sorry I'm not ready.
I'm sorry that all I have to say is sorry.
There was so much more she wanted to say, but she couldn't get the words out.
"Don't apologize Emily. Unlike my mom, I can take a hint. I understand you aren't ready for..."
Alison's breath caught in her throat before she continued.
"...anyways I just wanted to let you know," she breathed out.
"I...I don't know what to say," Emily whispered, her voice straining against her own will.
Yes you do!
What are you doing?
Alison leaned forward, reaching her hand out and gently moving a strand of Emily's hair behind her ear.
Alison's fingers lingered on Emily's cheek, making her heart speed up.
"Take care of yourself," she whispered and pulled her hand away.
No.
She knew what Alison meant by that: Alison was done.
What Emily had done was Alison's last straw.
Emily felt a heavy weight settle in her chest.
She tried to swallow down her emotions that were started to come to the surface.
She felt the sting in her eyes that only meant one thing: she was about to cry.
Say it!
Tell her you lied.
Tell her you're still in love with her.
Tell her you're the biggest idiot on the face of the earth.
Emily felt like her legs could give out but she took another step up onto the porch, closing the distance between them.
She struggled to breath but she knew that if she didn't speak now that she may have just lived through the very moment she lost the love of her life.
"Ali...I have something to tell you. I-"
"-Here you are Emily," Mrs. Dilaurentis unknowingly interrupted and walked over to her, handing the container of food over.
Emily looked back at Alison with panic in her eyes as she watched the blonde take a step backwards.
She unwillingly looked away from the blonde who was already now staring at the ground.
"Thank you Mrs. D. I appreciate it."
"You're most welcome sweetheart. Don't be a stranger," Jessica said sweetly.
Emily smiled back at her.
Curiously, she watched Alison tense up when Jessica touched the blonde's shoulder before walking into the house.
Once they were alone again Emily tried to speak up.
"Ali-"
"-I'll see you around," Alison repeated the words Emily had spoken to her that morning.
She gave her a sad smile and walked back inside, leaving the brunette speechless on the front steps.
What have I done?
"So I was thinking either classic romcom or drama."
Spencer held up both movies in her hand.
Emily smiled.
Thankfully Spencer did her the curtesy of not pestering her with questions about how she was doing.
Her friend knew better than to ask her those questions, and she was grateful for it.
It made her feel like there was still some sense of normalcy in her life.
Emily grabbed one of the movies from Spencer and sighed.
She stared down at it for a moment and then set it on Spencer's desk.
"I was actually thinking of us just...talking," Emily replied as she walked over and sat on her friend's bed.
Spencer smirked at her and sat down beside her.
"What's that look for?" Emily asked in a accusatory tone.
"Nothing."
Spencer may have lied but she couldn't help the shit-eating grin that spread across her face.
Emily glared at her.
"Seriously, what?" Emily's voice rose in pitch.
"Since when do you come over just to talk?"
"All the time," Emily stated matter of factly.
Spencer continued grinning.
"Mhm, sure."
"Well now I might just change my mind," Emily said sassily.
"Oh alright I'll stop teasing you."
Spencer laid onto her side and propped her head up, patting the space beside her.
Emily scooted up alongside Spencer and mirrored her.
"So, what's going on with Alison then?" Spencer asked, folllowed by another smirk.
Emily gave her a look of disbelief.
"What? Am I wrong?" Spencer asked rhetorically, knowing damn well she was right.
Emily sighed.
"No."
"So what's Rosewood's favorite blonde up to?"
Normally Emily would scold Spencer for not being entirely serious, but by the time she finally had the chance to talk, she couldn't stop:
"She's just so...god she's so frustrating!"
Emily slid off the bed and started pacing.
Spencer raised her eyebrows in shock as Emily went on her rant:
"I thought she would've moved on when I came back home."
"But she just...she won't stop!"
"I had a good thing with Maya, you know? I really did."
"Then she sent me that fucking letter."
"Why did she have to do that?"
"Ever since then I feel like my brain has been scrambled."
"I tried to ignore her after I got back, you know?"
"She could have anyone she wants Spencer and she wants me!"
"God knows why! I mean we were awful for each other."
"Does she not remember the absolute shit show that was our relationship?"
"She became a alcoholic and I moved across the country for Christ's sake!"
"But does that stop her? No!"
"Why does she have to make everything so damn complicated?"
"I just wanted to focus on school and swim and get the hell out of here."
"I didn't want..."
"She just is everywhere I turn."
"I can't escape her and its driving me crazy!"
"I'm not a crazy person Spencer but I'm starting to feel like it."
"I was only gone for three months and I come back and now she's all changed and wants to fix everything."
"Why does she think we can fix what happened?"
"Why can't she see that the both of us together is a freaking wrecking ball!"
"She-"
Emily stopped when she finally had looked at Spencer since she started ranting.
Her friend had a small smile on her face.
"Why are you smiling? Have you not been listening to what I'm saying?"
"No, no I'm listening. I'm sorry. Continue," Spencer apologized while putting on a straight face.
"God she's just stuck in my head!"
"I've been trying to leave her alone but yesterday she was at that stupid party and my stupid self had to go and tell her I was still in love with her and then I-"
"-Whoa whoa wait. Hold up. You told her you're still in love with her?" Spencer interrupted.
Emily threw her arms up in the air.
"Yes but that's not the point!"
"So you finally admitted it huh?"
"What are you talking about?" Emily asked irritably.
"Emily, come on, you are very clearly still in love with her. I knew it, but I was just waiting for you to realize it."
"Spencer don't you get what I'm saying? It doesn't matter if I'm still in love with her. She wasn't supposed to know."
"Why does it not matter?"
"Because I can't still be in love with her. We can't get back together. We aren't getting back together, so it doesn't matter if I still love her. What matters is that I massively fucked up and then when she asked me about it this morning I lied and pretended I didn't remember what I said and I hurt her even more and now she-"
"-Okay, okay. Take a breath," Spencer instructed.
She walked over to Emily and grabbed her by both arms, pulling her over to the bed and making her sit down.
Spencer kept both of her hands on Emily's biceps.
"Just breath."
Emily closed her eyes and deeply inhaled, but her body was still tingling with adrenaline.
Spencer nodded in acceptance after Emily took a moment to calm down and sat beside her.
"Emily, why are you fighting how you feel?" asked seriously.
"I'm not fighting it," she argued.
Spencer gave her a look.
"I'm not," she continued arguing in her defense.
"Then why did you lie to Alison?"
Emily sighed.
"I shouldn't have told her in the first place. It's just better that she thinks I don't remember."
"Why?"
"Spencer haven't you been hearing what I'm saying? We can't get back together."
"And why not?" Spencer asked, dumbfounded.
"You're one of the smartest people I know and you're seriously asking me that question?"
"I'm sorry Emily but I just don't understand why this is all such a bad thing. Alison is very much still in love with you and from what I can tell she really has grown a lot as a person. You're clearly still in love with her so it doesn't make sense to me why you're torturing yourself."
"God you sound just as delusional as Alison," Emily grumbled in annoyance.
Spencer smacked her arm.
"Hey! This is your best friend you're talking to here."
"I know, and I'm sorry. This whole thing with her is just so confusing."
Spencer shrugged.
"It seems pretty straightforward to me."
"How can you say that? Spencer you saw what she did to me. I can't go through that again."
"You're right," Spencer agreed.
"I hurt her too. I can't put her through more pain."
"You did," Spencer agreed again.
"But, all of that is in the past," her friend added.
"I know and I have forgiven her for it. I've tried to forgive myself too, but it doesn't change what happened," Emily argued.
"So you're afraid. You're afraid that if you get back together with her that she will just hurt you again," Spencer stated.
"There's nothing to be afraid of because we aren't getting back together."
"So you'd rather miss out on love than take a risk?"
"It's not as simple as that."
"Well maybe you're overcomplicating Emily. You're letting your fears of getting hurt keep you from potential happiness."
Emily felt the familiar sting of her eyes.
She shook her head and clenched her jaw, trying her hardest not to cry.
She stood up again.
Everything inside of her was bubbling up and she couldn't stand to keep still.
"Why does everyone care about my happiness anyways?"
She thought back to the night Alison had met her in the parking lot after her swim practice.
Alison had asked her if she was happier without her.
"Because we love you Emily!" Spencer's voice rose, she herself starting to get frustrated with Emily.
"I never thought I'd be standing up for Alison, but she does love you Emily. She knows how I feel about her yet she still hunted me down to send you that letter while you were away..."
Emily felt the first tear leave her eye and roll down her cheek as she faced the bedroom window, listening to her friend speak:
"...and when she found out about...about your dad, even Superman couldn't stop that girl from getting to you. I know she hurt you Em, but as annoying as it may be to you, the reason why she won't stop is because she loves you..."
Emily gripped the windowsill until her knuckles turned white, still facing away from her friend...still closing herself off.
"...She fought for you and was there for you. She did all of that while you were broken up, and for that, she's gained my respect. She's still not my favorite person in the entire world, but she's proven that she loves my best friend..."
Emily put a hand over her mouth, trying desperately to hold back a sob.
"...and my best friend deserves a love that won't fail her. A love that won't stop fighting for her. A love that's passionate and lasts..."
Emily fought as hard as she could but her tears were now steadily streaming.
"...Emily, you can't let fear dictate your life. I know you're scared of what could happen, but would you rather look back on this moment knowing you took a chance or forever live with the what ifs?"
Emily grabbed a tissue off of her friend's desk and blew her nose.
"There's more to it than that. I-I'm not myself Spence. I'm not just afraid of her, I'm afraid of myself."
"Why?"
"Because I'm angry!" Emily snapped.
Spencer flinched at her tone.
"He's gone, Spencer!"
It was all boiling over now and there was nothing Emily could do about it.
There was nothing Spencer could do about it either, so she sat silently as Emily let it all out:
"He's gone and he's never coming back!"
"Everyone keeps telling me that he's in a better place but that's a lie!"
"I'm angry at everyone who tells me they're sorry and that it will get easier with time!"
"I can barely breath because of how angry I am."
"My mom says it's all apart of God's plan as if thats supposed to make me feel better!"
"And I keep getting these looks from people as if I ran over someone's dog!"
"And why, for the love of god, does everyone keep trying to feed me!"
Spencer's previous solemn face had turned into a smile in reaction to what Emily had said.
Emily couldn't help herself either.
She cracked a smile, and then she laughed, and then they were both cackling together.
Emily walked over slowly and sat down beside her friend.
Eventually their laughter died down.
"If I got a dollar for every time someone brought us over a casserole after my nana passed, I'd be rich," Spencer sympathized.
Emily smiled, but the funniness of it all had disappeared.
"She doesn't deserve me Spencer," Emily said with finality.
"Em, that's not true."
"The most ironic thing of it all is that she's the only person I want and I can't have her."
"Em-"
"-When we got the call, I couldn't breath. I couldn't think. Out of all the things I could have done, I went to her. It's like my body went into auto pilot and I somehow ended up on her doorstep."
"There's a reason why you went to her."
"I know, but it's not fair to her. I'm a mess and she shouldn't be the one to pick up the pieces."
"You aren't asking her to pick up the pieces, but it is okay to ask for help. It's okay if you want her and you're a mess. Both of those things can be true and it be okay."
"It's not okay though Spencer. She deserves someone who can give her the same love she gives me, and I just don't know if I can give that to her. I can barely function by myself right now, let alone being in a relationship."
"My mom used to say marriage isn't always 50/50. Sometimes it's 60/40 or 90/10...the point is that in a good relationship the other person should carry your weight on the days you can't. You won't always have it all together Emily, but in a healthly relationship that won't matter. What matters is having your person by your side through those days."
Emily sighed.
"Maybe you're thinking of this all wrong. You're scared of not being able to be a good partner to her right?" Spencer asked.
Emily looked confused.
"Yeah..." she answered hesitantly.
"Well who says you have to jump right back into a relationship?"
"What do you mean?"
"You're under the assumption that if you two kiss and makeup so to speak, you'll just start off right where you finished."
"Well...yeah," Emily replied, still unsure of what her friend was trying to get at.
"Why can't you two just start from the beginning? You know...go on dates. Take it slow. No one says you have to launch yourselves back into a full on relationship."
Emily pondered what Spencer had said for a moment.
"I guess you're right, but it's too late Spence. I've dug myself too deep. She's ready to move on."
"Did she tell you that?"
Emily flopped onto the bed.
"Pretty much."
"Well what did she say exactly?" Spencer asked and laid down beside her.
"That she was transferring out of the class we had together."
"Oof, yeah. That does sound really serious," she teased.
Emily read right through Spencer's sarcasm and glared at her.
"It was the way she said it. I don't know...it just seemed like she was saying goodbye."
"It 'seemed like' or it was like?"
Emily shot her a look.
"Smartass."
"Well?"
"No, she didn't blatantly say goodbye, but I just knew. I don't know how else to describe it."
"Em, she's waiting on you. She's been waiting on you. Talk to her."
"I know, I know okay? I just don't know what I'd say."
"Tell her everything that you've told me tonight. Lay it all out there. What else do you have to lose?"
Emily looked up at the ceiling and thought long and hard.
"You're right."
The following Monday,
Emily was anxiously bouncing her leg up and down waiting for the bell to ring.
She was in her last period: AP US Government.
It was the class Alison had transferred out of.
Ever since Saturday night her stomach had continously twisted into knots.
As the time passed, the knot had only gotten tighter.
She considered that her lack of eating may have contributed to the empty pit she felt in her stomach, but the other reason was Alison.
Emily had hyped herself up all day long, but as she watched the clock tick above the white board she was starting to have second thoughts.
Her plan was to simply find Alison at her locker after school ended.
Alison wasn't always predictable, but she hoped the blonde would be there.
If she's not there, then thats a sign from the universe that I shouldn't do it, she thought.
She had been waiting for this moment all day, but when the bell rang she stayed glued to her chair.
Okay, you can do this.
No I can't.
What was I thinking?
But if I don't do this now I might never get the chance again.
What if she ignores me?
No, no she wouldn't ignore me.
"Are you alright Emily?" Her teacher asked her.
Emily realized all of her other classmates had left the room and she was the only one left.
"Yes, sorry," Emily apologized and hurried to grab her things.
When she entered the cramped hallway with students hurrying to get home, she started to wonder whether it was a good idea or not to have the conversation in such a public area.
Emily was still debating on what to do, but her legs propelled her forward.
She finally caught a glimpse of blonde hair.
It was Alison.
Her heart naturally sped up.
I can't.
Maybe I can go to her house later instead.
Emily had all but decided to turn around and leave, but then she saw one of the girls on her swim team talking with Alison.
Emily furrowed her eyebrows.
What is Sydney doing hanging out with Ali?
The hesitation she felt immediately went out the window once she saw the brunette put her hand on Alison's arm very flirtatiously.
Everyone in school knew that Sydney was gay.
She had recently transferred over from a school a few towns away.
Sydney wasn't anything special, but the fact that she was new to Rosewood and a lesbian, she naturally had everyone's attention.
Emily was actually relieved because it took the attention off of her, but now that she had Alison's attention...well, that was a whole other story.
Emily walked with purpose towards Alison now.
Sydney saw her first.
"Hey Emily!"
Alison whipped her head around.
"What's up?" Sydney asked cheerily with a smile.
Emily had thought the new girl was nice, but now she wanted to smack the smile right off of her face.
She gave her a forced, small smile.
"I just need to talk to Ali."
Emily turned her eyes to the blonde.
Alison was looking at her in surprise as if she saw a ghost.
Emily knew Alison wasn't expecting her to come talk to her anytime soon...or ever again for that matter.
"Oh! I didn't know you two knew each other," Sydney said, clearly oblivious to Emily shooting her daggers.
"I didn't know you two knew each other," Emily replied sassily.
Alison squinted her eyes at Emily after that, clearly wondering what the hell the brunette was on.
"Fitz paired us up for a group project," Sydney answered hesitantly now, starting to pick up on the awkwardness.
Emily gave her a short nod and gave the girl a look that screamed "go the hell away."
Emily adjusted her backpack on her shoulder and cleared her throat.
Has she really not gotten the message yet?
Sydney looked back and forth between the two of them, finally understanding the vibe Emily was putting off.
"Okay well I'll see you later," she said to the blonde.
Alison smiled at her.
"Sounds good."
"See you at practice Emily," Sydney shyly said her goodbyes to her as well.
"See you," Emily muttered back, avoiding eye contact with her.
Once Syndey was out of ear shot, Alison questioned her:
"Okay what the hell was that?" She accused.
"What was what?" Emily replied defensively.
"Don't you think you were kind of rude?"
Emily shrugged.
"Not really."
Alison gave her a look of disapproval, which made Emily's stoic demeanor falter.
"It's a swim thing," Emily lied, glancing down at the floor as she spoke.
Alison nodded, but Emily knew that she didn't believe her.
Alison turned to walk away, so Emily did the only thing she could to stop her.
She took a step in the direction where Alison went to leave, making the blonde stop in her tracks.
Alison sighed and crossed her arms over her body defensively, but she waited for Emily to speak.
"I, um, I was wondering if you're busy tonight?"
Alison bit her lip and looked off into the hallway.
"Please," Emily pleaded.
Alison gave her a side eye.
"I'm meeting with Sydney to study," Alison said as she tried to leave again.
Emily stepped forward once again, stopping Alison and closing the distance between them.
Alison clenched her jaw and gave Emily a look of warning.
"Emily…" she said lowly.
"...I can't keep doing this," she finished, her voice hoarse and filled with emotion.
Alison looked at her with fury after Emily once again thwarted her attempt to walk away for the third time now.
"Let me leave."
Emily put her hand out.
"Just…if you could please meet with me. I know you can't keep doing this, but I promise it won't be like it has been," Emily begged.
Alison eyes got watery as she looked up at her.
"Emily, don't make this harder than it already is," she whispered, holding back tears.
"I promise Ali," Emily reiterated.
Alison took a deep breath and sniffled, trying to keep her emotions at bay in the busy hallway.
"Emily, you know I love you, and I don't mean this in a rude way, but there's a reason why I transferred out of that class."
"I know, I know okay? I-"
Emily was interupted by someone bumping into her shoulder.
She stepped closer to the lockers in front of Alison to avoid someone else running into her.
"If you could just meet me tonight somewhere private. I can explain," she finished.
"Explain what?" Alison asked hesitantly.
"Everything."
Alison bit her lip and looked away.
"There's nothing left to explain," Alison said quickly before moving past the brunette.
Emily felt the air leave her lungs.
At the very last moment, Emily shot her hand out and grabbed onto Alison's wrist.
"I remember," Emily said boldy.
Alison met her eyes, their bodies only a few inches apart.
"What are you talking about?" She asked, her voice wavering slightly.
Emily swallowed, her heart beating erratically.
She held her breath before uttering her truth:
"I-I remember what I said to you…at the party. I lied."
Alison let out a sound that was something of a gasp.
Emily searched Alison's face waiting for some sort of response.
But as the realization of what Emily meant slowly came to Alison, her look of astonishment morphed into anger.
She yanked her arm out of Emily's grasp and shoved her way past her.
Emily let out a breath for only just a moment before turning and going after her.
Emily slid her way through students until she pushed open the bathroom door in haste.
"Ali-"
She was interupted by Alison, but it wasn't the blonde's words that made her flinch, it was the tone of them.
Alison whipped around and stomped over to Emily with fury in her eyes.
"-Emily, leave me alone," she warned, her voice filled with hostility as tears filled her eyes.
"No."
She hoped her voice sounded steady, but inside she was shaking.
Alison raised her eyebrows, getting more and more surprised by Emily's behavior.
"'No?'" Alison repeated in disbelief.
"No," Emily repeated, standing her ground and earning a scoff from the blonde.
Emily watched Alison turn around and run her hand through her hair in frustration.
"Ali can you please just talk with me tonight? No more lies. I promise," Emily asked again.
Alison turned to face her again with her hand still in her hair, tears steadily streaming down her face.
"So now you want to talk? After you lied to me? After I've been practically begging for you to talk about us for weeks now? And now that I'm finally ready to try let this all go, you want to talk? Christ Emily you have a lot of nerve. Do you just expect me to follow you around like a dog? You just snap your fingers and I'll come running?" She seethed.
Emily took a few desperate steps closer to her, only inches away.
"It's not like that," Emily tried to defend herself but she was failing miserably.
She felt like she could faint from the sheer look Alison was giving her, but adrenaline was coursing through her body.
Alison threw her hand up in the air and scoffed.
"No? Then explain what you've been doing to me and tell me what it's like!"
"You drive me crazy, you know that? I mean-"
"-I drive you crazy? Are you kidding me? Emily you drive me crazy! I mean god you're so frustrating! You acted like I didn't exist when you came back home and then you tell me you're still in love with me when you're drunk and then lied about it and guess what? I-"
As Alison was yelling, Emily boldly stepped forward and grabbed her face.
She captured Alison's lips with her own, silencing the blonde in an instant.
Emily heard Alison inhale sharply through her nose, clearly caught off guard from the kiss.
It didn't last long, but at the very last moment she felt Alison press her lips back onto hers.
Emily slowly pulled away from the kiss, her lips just an inch away from Alison's.
She opened her eyes, but Alison's were still closed.
Emily held her cheeks, their chests both heaving.
Alison's eyes finally opened.
Emily's heart was pounding.
Alison's eyes were dark and stormy.
Time stood still for a moment as they both breathed heavily onto each other's lips.
Emily could feel her trembling, but she wasn't sure if it was because of the kiss or because Alison was still so angry.
It had been so long since they had last kissed that Emily felt her body light on fire.
She felt like there was something else in her body entirely, taking control and spreading warmth all the way down to her toes.
In spite of the argument they were having, all she could think about was kissing her again...and again...and again.
Emily had fought and deprived herself so long from Alison that when she actually felt her, she was transported.
Her whole entire being felt like she vibrating.
She made the smallest of movements forward to close the space between their lips, but as soon as she did Alison let out a breath and pulled out of Emily's embrace.
Alison walked straight past her and towards the door without saying a word.
Just has her hand touched the bathroom door, Emily broke out of her trance to turn around and say one last thing:
"I'll be at the Kissing Rock. Tonight at 8."
Alison hesitated while she spoke, but as soon as Emily said the last word, she was gone.
Emily sighed as she sat on the cold rock overlooking Rosewood.
She checked her phone for what felt like the millionth time.
It was exactly 8:30.
She tightened her jacket around her body to try to warm herself.
She was starting to think that kissing Alison was a big mistake.
But then again, she had made lots of mistakes lately when it came to Alison.
Emily didn't plan on kissing her.
It just...happened.
Even if she somehow was able to transport herself back into that moment, she knew that she wouldn't be capable of stopping herself.
When they were standing in that bathroom, Emily felt alive again.
Obviously she didn't like fighting with Alison, but finally admitting how she felt for her lit something inside of Emily that she hadn't felt for a very long time.
She had been trying to surpress it, and once it all came out it washed over her with force.
She felt so much adrenaline coursing through her body that all of her energy bubbled up to the surface, and her first instinct was to kiss her.
Emily knew that Alison was mad, rightfully so.
Probably even more mad now because of what Emily did.
It was a big risk, but there was no going back now.
Emily knew there was also a good chance that Alison wouldn't show tonight.
That possibility was turning into more of a reality as time ticked away while she sat and waited.
After another fifteen minutes passed, she was accepting that Alison wasn't coming.
Anyone would tell her that it was entirely hopeless, but Emily still felt hopeful.
Maybe it was delusion or maybe it was desperation.
Emily blew against her hands to try to warm them.
She had been sitting there for almost fourty-five minutes.
She kept teliing herself to wait another minute...and another minute...and another.
She checked her phone once more to look at the time.
She's not coming.
Emily's finger hesitated over Alison's contact in her phone.
She wanted to call her, but if Alison wasn't coming to meet her she sure as hell wasn't going to answer a phone call.
She had been sitting alone in the dark for so long that when the lights from the car came into view, her heart nearly jumped out of her chest.
It was Alison's car.
Emily stood up and straightened her jacket as the blonde parked and got out of the car.
She shivered both from the cool fall air and from nerves.
She watched Alison slowly walk over towards her and stop before she got too close.
Alison had her arms crossed over her body and looked at her with steely eyes.
"You came," Emily said, partially in disbelief and partially from not knowing what else to say.
There was a long silence.
Emily cleared her throat and wrapped her arms back around her body.
After another few seconds of silence passed, Emily realized very quickly that Alison wasn't going to let this be easy for her.
"Do you...want to sit?"
She could tell Alison debated for a moment, but she didn't say anything.
Just as she was about to speak up again, Alison moved, walking right past her and sitting down.
Emily eyed her and cautiously sat down.
Alison avoided looking at her altogether.
Instead, the blonde gazed off onto Rosewood.
Emily instinctively started picking at her nail beds.
Well I guess there won't be any small talk.
Okay, just say it.
Say your truth.
Do what Spencer said.
Emily looked back over to her nervously.
She could tell Alison had her jaw clenched together, her arms still tightly crossed over her body.
"Ali, I'm sorry I lied. I just...I didn't know what to do."
Emily's excuse clearly struck a nerve, because Alison immediately stood up off of the rock and glared down at her with a furiousity Emily had rarely seen before.
"That's not true. Don't lie and say you didn't know what to do Emily."
"You're right, I'm sorry. I thought it was the best thing to do in the moment," Emily stumbled over her words as she struggled to look Alison in the eyes.
Alison huffed.
Emily watched from her spot on the rock as Alison turned her back and took a few steps away from her, shaking her head.
"So you thought lying to me was the best thing to do?"Alison asked with her back facing Emily.
"Yes. I-I mean no. I don't know, okay?" Emily stuttered over her words, digging herself deeper and deeper.
Alison turned back around, her eyes filled with animosity.
"You said no more lies. So be honest and call it what it is. Lying was the best thing for you, not me," she spat out.
Emily sighed and ran her fingers through her hair.
It was a nervous tick she had that she never had gotten rid of.
"Ali this is hard for me, okay?"
Her voice raised a notch as she met the blue eyes boring into her.
"Why?" Alison asked angrily.
Emily's mouth parted open but no words came out.
"I've made this as simple as it possibly could be Emily. How is it hard?" Alison challenged her.
Emily shot up from her spot and faced the blonde.
"Because you….you're you!"
"What is that supposed to mean?"
Emily paused for a moment.
Her heart was pounding.
"You scare me, okay?" Emily admitted, her voice shaking.
Alison's squinted.
The blonde was livid.
Emily could tell Alison was more than just angry.
She was tired.
"I scare you? What are you talking about?" Alison asked impatiently.
Emily let out a breath and turned her eyes towards the city lights.
She pursed her lips together.
She felt her eyes stinging, tears threatening to spill over.
She was struggling.
She had been been struggling for awhile now.
Getting herself to admit how she felt was hard enough, but having to face the girl she loved and say it out loud were two very different things.
After Emily didn't reply, Alison quickly filled the silence.
"You're really confusing you know that?" She accused.
"I know," Emily breathed out, still looking out towards the town.
Alison huffed, clearly getting more and more frustrated.
"I mean god Emily you can't just do whatever you want! You can't just tell me you're still in love with me, pretend you didn't remember, admit you lied, and then kiss me! That's not normal!" Alison shouted.
Emily inhaled and clenched her teeth together, desperately trying to keep herself from crying.
She couldn't look at Alison.
She thought she was strong enough, but the shame she felt was crushing her.
"I know," she whispered back.
"I didn't sign up for this!" Alison shouted.
Emily finally glanced over to her.
Alison was looking at her with defeat.
"I'm sorry," Emily said as a tear rolled down her cheek.
"You're sorry? I don't want you to be sorry Emily, I want to know what you want! I'm not a mind reader! So tell me, what do you want?" Alison asked, her chest rising up and down rapidly.
"I…."
Emily froze.
Alison waited, her eyes wide.
Emily looked at her with desperation.
She wished more than anything that Alison was a mind reader.
It would be a lot easier than this.
Her hesitation to reply was enough for Alison to scoff and shake her head.
"I knew this was a bad idea," Alison said harshly and started to walk away.
Like deja vu, Emily felt the wind get knocked out of her as Alison strutted past her, their shoulders brushing together as she left.
Emily felt like someone slapped her in the face.
She wasn't sure what gave her the courage, maybe it was fear, but she turned around.
There was zero hesitation in her when she yelled:
"You! I want you!"
Alison halted in her tracks.
She turned back around slowly and looked at Emily with warning.
Emily breathed hard as they made intense eye contact.
"Don't," Alison's voice cracked, "Don't lie."
Emily gave her a sad smile.
"I'm not," she answered plainly as she put her hands up quickly, a gester showing she had no more cards to play. No more lies to spin. No more guards to hide behind.
Alison's angry demeanor dissipated.
Emily could tell she was trying not to cry.
In the moment following, Emily felt a wave of peace rush over her.
It was out now.
Finally, truthfully, fully.
She had exhausted herself for so long trying to keep it hidden.
She was tired of fighting.
She was tired of hiding.
Alison shook her head lightly as her tears fell.
Emily took a step closer towards her but Alison took a step away.
"Don't," Alison warned.
Emily looked at her with passion.
"Alison I love you...," Emily started speaking clearly now with resolve.
"...I love you more than life itself."
Emily gave her a loving smile before letting out a laugh.
"That's why you scare me. Don't you get that?"
Alison wiped a tear.
Alison wasn't looking at her with anger anymore; rather, it was a look of distrust. Disbelief.
Emily took a step forward and this time Alison didn't back away, so she continued:
"You're everything to me..." she whispered fervently.
"Saying goodbye to you was the hardest thing I've ever done. Being apart from you has been hell. I thought...I thought us breaking up was for the best. You have to believe me when I say that Alison because it's the truth."
Alison's lip quivered.
Emily watched her shake her head again.
"It is. And me being distant these past few months was also what I thought was for the best."
Alison broke their eye contact and looked off into the horizon.
Emily felt her heart hammering now.
She knew this moment was important.
She knew what she would say next was important.
She knew Alison was on the brink of being done.
Every move she made had to be from her heart.
She was baring it all, but like Spencer said to her not long ago, what else did she have to lose?
"Ali..." her voice cracked "...I was wrong."
Alison's eyes snapped back to hers quickly.
Emily wanted to close the gap between them and grab the blonde's hand, but she knew that Alison could leave at any moment.
And she wasn't going to let that happen, not again.
So instead she put every ounce of will she had left in her body into her words.
"I thought I knew what was what. I thought I saw it all clearly, but I was wrong. You changed my whole world and flipped it upside down. And that terrified me!"
They were both crying now, but Emily took a deep breath to steady herself.
"You were right. You were right about everything, okay? I went to Texas because I couldn't see straight. I couldn't process a single thing I was feeling and I ran away! I was a coward Alison..."
"...I thought you'd be better off without me. I thought I'd be better off without you, but even in middle-of-nowhere Texas you were everywhere I turned!"
"I couldn't shake you. I don't know what it is about you but you're just…constant," Emily breathed out.
"I kept telling myself that I'd never let you close enough to hurt me like that again..."
Alison's eyes filled with pain.
"...And that I'd never let myself close enough to hurt you like that again."
Emily decided then to take a step closer towards her.
"Then your letter came..." she said more quitely, finally reaching her hand out slowly to grab Alison's.
Their eyes were glued to one another's.
"...I probably read it a hundred times," she whispered.
Emily bit her lip.
She let go of Alison's hand, but she kept her eyes trained on the blonde's face when she said the next words:
"And Maya..."
Alison's eyes dropped.
"...She was something else I was wrong about. I thought that someone else would help...that it would make me stop missing you, but I was wrong."
Emily swallowed her fear the more she spoke.
"She knew I loved you, do you know that?" Emily asked, her voice trembling.
Alison's eyes slowly met hers again with its fiery intensity.
"It was cowardly to let someone else fall in love with me when I was in love with someone else..."
"...And it was cowardly of me to hide my feelings from you."
Emily felt like she was tilting on the edge of saying the wrong thing.
Alison hadn't given her a single inclination of how she was feeling.
But up until this point Emily had done every wrong thing she could think of so she didn't hold back.
"I didn't want to still be in love with you because I didn't want to be wrong Ali."
Alison looked at her with question in her eyes.
"I didn't want to be wrong because that would mean that I made a mistake. The biggest mistake..."
"...It would mean that I gave up on our relationship too quickly..."
"...It would mean that I let down the person I love more than anything..."
Emily took a shaky breath.
"It would mean that I hurt people for no reason other than my own selfishness..."
"...Hurting you..."
"...Hurting Samara..."
"...Hurting Maya."
Emily sniffled.
"Hurting myself..."
"...All because I wasn't patient enough with you. All because you hurt me and I couldn't handle it. All because of my pride..."
"...and Ali, I couldn't live with myself if that was the truth."
Emily took a unsteady breath to try to get her emotions under control, but before she could speak again, Alison did first:
"You didn't make a mistake Emily," Alison replied quitely, speaking up for the first time in awhile.
This time Emily was shaking her head.
"I did," she whispered, tears now steadily running down her face.
"It wasn't easy, but it was for the best Emily," Alison said confidently.
"How?" Emily's voice cracked.
"How could all of that be for the best Ali?" She asked again.
"You didn't break up with me to hurt me Emily. You didn't...hook up with Samara to hurt me or her, and you didn't have a relationship with Maya to hurt her either. You didn't go do those things out of pure maliciousness. You're human, and you were hurting...because of me."
"Ali-"
"-You were. I know I hurt you, and believe me I wish I could go back and change it all, but I can't."
Both of them had pain immenating from their eyes.
The conversation was hard, but necessary.
Emily knew that.
She had been running from this for a very long time.
Maybe it was what she needed all along.
"And Emily..."
Alison took a step forward.
She reached and wrapped her delicate fingers around Emily's wrist.
Emily's breath faltered from the touch.
"...You're not a bad person."
Alison let go of her wrist and reached up to gently wipe a tear off of Emily's cheek.
Emily heard Alison take a deep breath and then take a small step away from her to give them space.
"You said you read my letter?" Alison asked.
Emily nodded.
"Well then you know how I feel. As much as it hurt, and still hurts, I needed to lose you to love you...to love myself..."
"...And whether you think that was a mistake or whether I think it was for the best, it doesn't matter..."
"...We can't change what either of us did. We can't undo the hurt we caused. We can't unspeak the words we spoke or change any of it at all..."
"...But what matters..."
Emily's breath caught in her throat from the look Alison gave her.
It made her stomach flip.
"...is this. Us. We're both here now."
Emily almost allowed herself to get caught up in the intensity of it all, just like she had earlier that day in the bathroom.
It was almost too easy to fall into her and to want to kiss her and to want to touch her and be with her, but that wasn't what she needed to do.
That wasn't fair to Alison nor to her.
She had more to say.
She had to be honest...honest in its full, raw, and achingly awful entirety.
"I-I don't know if I could do it again," Emily breathed out.
"Do what?" Alison asked, her voice course.
"Losing you. I barely made it and I-I don't think I could go through that again," Emily answered truthfully.
"It doesn't have to happen again," Alison argued.
Emily squeezed her eyes shut for a moment.
"You don't know that Ali. You can't promise that we wouldn't just end up hurting each other again in the future," she argued, her voice rising again.
"You're right. I can't promise that. I don't know the future Emily, but you know what I do know?" Alison pled, taking a step closer once again.
"...I know that I love you. That won't ever change," the blonde finished.
Emily's lips quivered as she struggled to hold it all together.
"What if love isn't enough?"
"Maybe it's not," Alison replied.
Emily paused.
The blonde's answer caught her off guard.
"Emily, I know you love me..." Alison smiled at her lightly.
"And I hope you know how much I love you," she finished.
"I do," Emily answered in a hushed voice.
Alison sighed and walked back over to the rock.
Emily looked confused as her eyes followed the blonde.
Alison gave her a look, so she followed suit and sat down beside her.
There was a small moment of silence before Alison spoke up again:
"Love is easy."
Emily squinted her eyes at her.
"Loving you is easy for me," Alison explained.
"I'd like to think that loving me is just as easy for you..."
"...but trust isn't as easy," she finished.
Emily broke their eye contact and started picking at her cuticles on her fingers.
Only a few seconds passed before Alison's fingers slid over her hands, stopping her fiddling.
Emily looked over at her.
"You still do that, huh?" Alison asked with a small smile, referring to the brunette's awful habit.
Emily smiled lightly back at her.
"Some things you just can't shake," she replied quitely.
They held each other's gaze.
Emily watched Alison's cheeks flush, but before she knew it Alison pulled her hand off of hers and cleared her throat.
"As I was saying..." Alison redirected.
"...we broke each other's trust Emily. There's no easy way around it. I kept you a secret our whole relationship and I betrayed you when I said yes to going to prom with Tyler."
Emily glanced down at her hands again.
"And you..." Alison paused.
"...you broke mine when...when-"
"-Samara," Emily interupted.
She looked over at Alison with shame.
She knew Alison was struggling to say it, so she helped and said what the blonde was trying to.
"Yes," Alison exhaled.
Emily didn't know what to say.
The whole evening had been intense and heavy.
It was a lot.
"My point is that there's more to a relationship than just love. We have to earn each other's trust back. I have to earn yours back Emily, but I can't do that unless-"
"-unless we're together?" Emily interupted again.
Alison lightly smirked at her.
"Not exactly what I was going to say, but yeah, something along those lines. I was going to say I can't do that if you don't let me in."
Emily looked at the lights glowing from the streetlamps below them.
She was struggling with looking Alison in her eyes.
She was struggling with their proximity.
She was struggling with everything.
Emily stood up and walked forward, still keeping her blurry vision trained on the lights of Rosewood.
She heard the shuffling of feet.
She knew Alison stood up and was standing directly behind her now.
"Em..." Alison started.
Emily squeezed her eyes shut as she listened to Alison speak.
"There's a lot of things I know about you. At least, things I think I know about you, but maybe the things I know about you are the old Emily..."
Emily turned around to face her, tears filling her eyes.
"I know who you are at your core, but I'd be lying if I said I know this Emily..."
Alison took a step closer towards her.
"...Let me get to know this Emily," she pleaded.
"Ali..." Emily's voice trailed off.
"It's been awhile," Alison said sadly, her voice layered with meaning...meaning that Emily understood very well.
It had been awhile.
"I've changed. I can only imagine you have to," Alison added.
"I'm scared Ali," Emily croaked out.
"I know, but we can't let fear keep us from at least trying. We owe it ourselves to give this a shot. Unless I'm totally reading this wrong. Unless you aren't still in love with me and-"
"-I am," Emily took a step closer to her too.
"Well I'm here. Right now Emily. But...I won't always be. I can't always be. I can't keep doing this back and forth with you."
Emily hung her head dejectedly.
She had so many regrets it was overwhelming.
"You're right, being apart has been hell, but this...this thing we've been doing has been worse," Alison said, her voice cracking.
Emily's heart hurt from hearing the pain in the blonde's voice.
She slowly looked Alison in her eyes.
"I'm sorry," she whispered.
Alison smiled sadly at her.
"I don't want you to keep being sorry. I need you to tell me what you want-"
Emily opened her mouth, but Alison spoke over her before she could even get the words out.
"-and not just that you want me Emily. I need you to show me that you want me."
Emily tried once again to speak but Alison beat her to the punch the second time:
"And not by just kissing me," she added.
Emily looked at her shyly.
"I'm sorry," she apologized again.
Alison gave her a small smile in return.
Emily felt her heart ache.
She had done so many things that had hurt Alison.
The only thing she could think of to try to begin to repair the things she had done was to speak truthfully.
So, she wiped her tears away, straightened her back, and continued:
"All this time I've let you think that I didn't love you. Ali, I'll always love you. I think I'll always want you, but that doesn't mean that it's the right thing for us."
Alison furrowed her eyebrows.
"What do you mean?"
"I hoped that time apart and maybe even other people would help the both of us move on. Even after I got back, I thought that if I pushed you away and kept ignoring how I felt that it would help..."
"...even if that meant seeing you with him," Emily added.
"Emily I'm not with him."
"But he wants you," Emily stated.
Alison pursed her lips.
"Yes," she answered truthfully.
Emily nodded and sat with that information for a moment.
"I know what I've been doing has hurt you Ali, but you have to believe me when I say that I only thought that it would be better for you..."
"...I thought that maybe if you could find happiness with someone else, no matter how much it hurts me to see, that you'd realize you're better off without me."
She watched Alison get angry then.
"Emily I'm not-"
"-Just let me finish, please."
Alison sighed.
"Ali you're right. I am different. I...I'm not okay. I don't feel like myself. I'm in no place to give you the love you deserve, don't you get that? I feel like the roles are reversed now because I know you're ready for everything that I was ready for before we broke up. Now I feel like the broken one."
"You're not broken Emily, you're grieving. You lost someone very important to you," Alison's voice was soft. She knew what Emily was saying.
"I'm sorry Ali. I really am. I shouldn't have told you how I felt that night, and I shouldn't have lied about it afterwards..."
"...and I shouldn't have kissed you."
Alison let a tear fall from her eye.
"What are you saying?" Alison asked fearfully.
"I'm saying that I wanted to see you tonight to tell you that I'm sorry...for everything. You deserve to hear the truth, the whole truth. You deserve to know that I love you, but you also need to understand that you don't want me Ali...I promise you, you don't want me. I'm not the same anymore."
Alison looked at her with anger.
"You can't tell me what I want."
Emily ignored her and kept going:
"I've been selfish with you, and that's not right. I'm trying to do the right thing and be honest. Just because I want you doesn't mean we should be together, and just because you want me doesn't mean that we should be together."
Alison shook her head with frustration.
"So what? You brought me here to finally tell me that you're in love with me just to break my heart again?"
"No! That's not what I'm trying to do I-"
"-Well that's what you're doing," Alison spat out.
"Ali I-I just…I'm struggling a lot right now. I don't feel like myself ever since….I feel like I'm living in a haze and I can't see straight. I love you, and I don't want you to keep thinking that I don't, but things are different. I'm different. I don't want to bring more hurt into your life..."
Emily saw the pain in Alison's eyes as she spoke:
"...I can barely function most days and I'm in no way ready to be in a relationship. I'm in no position to be the partner you deserve Ali. I struggle just to take care of myself right now. You deserve to know how I feel about you, but I can't make more mistakes than I already have."
"What mistakes?" Alison asked in a hushed voice.
"Hurting you," Emily answered.
The blonde stayed silent.
"I want to talk about things I haven't addressed. This is one them," Emily tried to explain.
Alison looked confused.
"Samara..." Emily said nervously, trying to explain herself.
"That's in the past Emily. I forgive you," she tried to brush it off, but Emily could read right through it.
"I still hurt you."
Alison broke their eye contact.
"And Maya," Emily said, clearly adding injury to insult by speaking their names.
She saw the way Alison flinched when she said them.
"I shouldn't have mentioned her the other day...the day of the funeral, I'm sorry," Alison apologized genuinely.
"It's okay. You're right though, it does matter."
"Em-"
"-Samara and Maya…they were…distractions…replacements…a way for me to run from how I feel. As awful as that sounds, it's the truth."
Alison stared at her with a look Emily couldn't place.
"Did you love her?"
Alison's question made her freeze.
"Who?" Emily asked.
"Maya."
She didn't want to continue hurting her, but she promised herself and promised Alison that she wouldn't lie anymore.
"Yes," Emily answered.
Alison's eyes dropped to the ground.
"But I wasn't in love with her. Like I said before, it's kind of hard to have those feelings for someone when you're in love with someone else."
Alison looked up to her slowly.
Emily offered up a smile, a sad smile, but a smile nonetheless.
"She reminded me of you."
Alison made a face of disgust, and it made Emily laugh.
She had forgotten how much the blonde wore her feelings on her face.
"Wrong thing to say?" Emily asked sheepishly.
Alison gave her a sassy look.
"What do you think?"
Emily rubbed her neck with the back of her hand guiltily.
"Sorry."
Alison's small smile fell from her face.
"Did you…?" Alison started, "...Nevermind."
Emily furrowed her eyebrows.
"Did I what?"
"It's dumb."
"Say it," Emily proded.
Alison looked off into the distance before returning her gaze back to Emily.
"Did you sleep with her?"
Emily didn't hesitate in her reply:
"No."
Alison nodded and put her hands in her jeans.
"D-Did you…sleep with someone?" Emily asked shyly.
Alison snorted.
"No. I was too busy waiting for a letter in the mail from you all summer."
"I'm sorry Ali…"
"Don't be, I get it. I was awful-"
"-Stop saying that. You weren't awful. As mad as I was that you said it, you still had every right to hate me."
"I didn't hate you Emily. I was livid and I was hurt, but I didn't hate you. I could never. I suppose I just hated what you did."
Emily looked down at the ground with shame.
"I never fully apologized for that."
Alison bristled.
She could tell that it still was a sore subject for Alison.
"We don't have to talk about it," Alison said quickly, trying to avoid the topic.
"I had you come here because I wanted to talk to you about everything I've been running from. If you don't want to talk about it, we don't have to, but I owe it to you to at least try."
Alison paused for a moment.
"Okay," she finally breathed out.
Emily nodded.
"Okay," Emily said in return.
She eyed Alison as she slowly walked back over to the rock to sit, silently asking the blonde to sit beside her as well.
After Alison came to sit by her, she took a deep breath and began:
"Ali I…I'm sorry. And not just because you saw, well, saw us. I really am sorry. I was angry and jealous and I was trying to forget everything that happened between us."
Alison looked down at her hands in her lap.
"I get it Emily. I really do," she said softly, but Emily could hear the pain in her voice.
Emily mirrored her and looked down at her hands too, but Alison's voice broke her out of it:
"Can I ask you something though?" Alison asked.
Emily eyed her.
"Sure," she replied.
Alison attempted to look her in the eye, but she couldn't.
"Would you have…you know…slept with her if I didn't walk in?" Alison asked quitely, her deep blue eyes slowly meeting her own.
Emily thought about it for a moment.
"I don't know. I was in a bad headspace at that time. I don't really know if I can answer that," Emily replied honestly.
"That was a dumb question. I shouldn't have asked. I just think about things like that I guess."
Emily's heart ached from the tone of Alison's voice.
"I know how painful that must have been. To see me with her."
"I forgive you Emily. We were broken up. If anything deserved it."
"No you didn't Ali," Emily turned her body on the rock to try to face her more.
"Well you can't change anything in the past just like I can't change what I did."
"I know, but I can't imagine if I walked in and saw you with someone," Emily tried to sympathize, but she was doing so pathetically.
"Well I haven't…been with anyone else."
Emily glanced over at her quickly.
"You and Tyler really didn't...?"
Alison let out a sarcastic laugh.
"God no. He wishes...and Hanna does I guess."
Emily sighed.
"Hanna is the one who probably hates me now."
"Emily she doesn't hate you. You know how she is. She's just protective. I'm sorry you overheard what she said."
"That's actually something else I want to talk to you about."
Alison looked at her inquisitively.
"Hm?"
"Hanna said you've been depressed. Is that true?"
Alison looked down at the ground.
"No, I'm fine. Don't worry about me."
"Ali, I know it's been a while, but if you remember correctly we used to be tied to each other's hips every waking second. I know you, and I know when you're lying."
"I really am okay. Things did get…dark there for awhile, but I'm okay."
Emily wasn't entirely sure if she believed her.
"See this is why I don't know if I'm good for you Ali. Look at what I've put you through."
"Emily you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I've only been so sad because I've missed you, not because I met you."
"What's the difference?"
Alison gave her a look.
"A big one," Alison corrected.
Emily couldn't help but feel such overwhelming guilt.
It was hard to look Alison in the eyes.
"Plus, you weren't the only thing that had been bothering me Em," the blonde added.
Emily had a suspicion something else was hurting Alison.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Alison inhaled.
"Another time."
She could tell Alison didn't want to talk about it, so she let it go.
"Okay."
They sat there in silence for a moment, both looking out at the lights.
"So where do we go from here?" Alison asked, breaking the silence.
Emily put her face in her hands.
"I don't know," she answered.
And that was truth.
She didn't know.
"Emily, I know you're scared of the future, understandably so, but I promise I'll do everything in my power to never hurt you like that again..."
"...and I know you aren't doing well since your father passed. I know you think you're too broken to be loved, but that's not true..."
"...I love you, and that means I will love every part of you. Even the parts that are scared or hurting or broken. I want to be with you, more than anything."
Emily looked over to her with tears in her eyes.
Alison tentatively reached her hand out and placed it on her thigh.
"So let me...let me be with you," Alison begged.
Emily held her gaze, but it was all too much.
She stood up and ran her fingers through her hair.
"You deserve someone who is better than me," she said dejectedly as she looked down at her.
Alison huffed and stood up beside her, grabbing Emily's hands in her own.
"That's not true. I can decide what I want, and I want you."
"I'm not the same," Emily whispered as a tear ran down her cheek.
Alison squeezed Emily's hands.
"I know, but guess what? I'm not either. We have already been these new people without each other and look at what being apart has done to us? So let's try being these new people together."
Emily stared at her for awhile as Alison's eyes searched her own.
"I need time Ali."
"Okay," Alison replied as if it was no problem at all.
Emily slowly pulled her hands out of Alison's and sat back down.
"No, you don't get it. I'm not going to ask you to wait for me."
Alison sighed and sat down beside her.
"Well what do you suggest I do then?"
Emily leaned her head down in between her legs, thinking long and hard.
She thought back to what Spencer suggested to her.
The idea seemed silly at first, but after Emily thought about it over the weekend, it seemed more reasonable.
It wasn't quite as daunting as jumping back into the relationship they had.
It also was a solution to her and Alison's debate.
They both wanted each other, but Emily still had her reservations.
Alison let her sit there in silence.
Once she decided, she sat up straight and looked Alison in her eyes.
"A date."
Alison raised her eyebrows.
"What?"
"A date," Emily reiterated.
"I heard you, I just don't know what you mean."
"I'm not ready for a relationship. I don't know if it would be the right thing for you or for me to jump back into what we had."
"I'm confused."
"Me asking you on a date is confusing?" Emily said with amusement.
And at that, she received a signature Alison DiLaurentus glare.
"No, you asking me on a date and saying you aren't ready for a relationship at the same time is confusing."
Emily wiped her smile off of her face and got serious:
"I meant that we should start fresh. Date again before we commit to the type of relationship we used to have. Get to know each other again. You know…take it slow," she explained.
"Em, no offense but I've already been there and done that."
Emily feigned a look of hurt.
"'Done that'? Really?"
Alison smirked at her.
"What? Don't remember my witty self? Maybe you do need a refresher in all things Alison DiLaurentis," she teased.
Emily playfully scoffed at her.
"Witty wouldn't be the word I'd choose, but sure, let's go with that," she replied with a smirk.
Alison smacked her on the side of her arm.
"Emily Fields you haven't even taken me on this so called first date and you're already dangerously close to being in the doghouse," she warned.
Emily let out a laugh.
"If I remember correctly all I had to do was bat my eyelashes at you and all would be forgiven," Emily clapped back while batting her eyelashes at her dramatically.
Alison giggled, but then she gave Emily a look that made her heart skip a beat.
"That…amongst other things," Alison said casually while eyeing her for a reaction.
Emily felt her cheeks warm.
Before she could even begin to think of what to say, Alison beat her to the punch:
"I can give you refresher on that too," she quitely suggested.
Oh.
Emily froze.
She was thankful it was so dark out that Alison wouldn't be able to see how red her face was...hopefully.
Thankfully Alison didn't let her suffer for too long.
"So…a date, huh?" Alison asked.
"Yes," Emily breathed out.
"Okay, when?"
Emily widened her eyes.
"I, um, haven't gotten that far yet," she admitted.
Alison's lips curved up into a small smirk.
"I honestly didn't think you'd say yes," Emily explained herself awkwardly.
"It's okay Em."
Emily nervously smiled at her.
Now that everything was out in the open, both of them went silent.
Emily's eyes settled on the lights glowing from below them.
After the adrenaline started to wear off, she felt the cool air cut through her jacket.
Emily brought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs.
"Do you remember when you first brought me here?" She asked quitely, looking over at Alison who was staring off at the lights too.
Alison looked over at her and smiled.
"I do."
"I was so nervous to hang out with you," Emily said, laying her head on the top of her knees and smiling at the blonde.
"It felt like an eternity ago," Alison replied, scooting closer to her.
Emily felt butterflies in her stomach from their proximity.
Even though it had been so long ago the first time they hung out, the feelings Alison created inside her body hadn't changed one bit.
"If you told me back then everything that's happened between us I wouldn't have believed you," she murmured.
"What? You didn't think I'd fall madly in love you?" Alison teased while lightly bumping her body into Emily's side.
Emily let out a laugh.
"No, actually. I can't believe you still are either."
Alison smirked.
"Was me pining after you states away not convincing enough for you?"
"I was referring to you being incredibly out of my league."
Alison rolled her eyes.
"Says the woman who has people in different time zones competing to be with you," the blonde argued back sassily.
Emily rolled her eyes right back at Alison.
While they were smiling at each other Emily's heart swelled with love.
Alison noticed the change in Emily's demeanor because she too slowly lost her smile.
"It's not a competition. Not even close," Emily said lowly.
They stared into each other's eyes intensely.
Emily's breathing turned shallow and her heart started hammering inside her chest.
As soon as she saw Alison's eyes flicker down towards her lips, she moved forward ever so slightly.
Just as she went to lean in, Alison spoke:
"It's getting late," she whispered.
Emily let out a small breath that she had been holding in.
She pulled back, despite how badly she wanted to kiss her.
She sensed that Alison wanted to kiss her too, but Emily knew that she had a lot of work to do to repair everything that had transpired between them.
It was ironic, really.
She was the one asking to go slow, yet all she wanted to do was to let herself drown in Alison and never come back up for air.
Even more ironically, it was always Alison who pushed the boundaries of their physical relationship in the past.
Now though, the blonde was the one who was pumping the breaks.
Emily knew part of it was due to her needing to earn Alison's trust back.
She wondering in that moment just how much Alison had changed in their time apart.
The two of them stood up simultaneously.
Emily wasn't going to push her luck, and it was evident that the conversation was over.
"I'm surprised your mom hasn't tried to call you yet," Alison said casually.
Emily figured Alison's redirection was her own way of trying to shake off the butterflies she herself was feeling.
"Yeah, well my grandma and aunt are still in town so they have kept her occupied," she replied as they started walking slowly back to their cars.
"How long are they staying?" Alison asked beside her.
"They leave Wednesday morning."
"Oh, I'm sorry."
They stopped once they reached Alison's car.
"It's okay. I'll miss them, but it's just been...a lot."
Alison gave her a look of empathy.
"This is probably the stupidest question to ask, but are you okay?"
Emily inhaled deeply, holding their eye contact.
"No," she replied truthfully.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Alison asked sincerly.
Emily had avoided talking to anyone about her dad.
Spencer did her curtesy of not asking her questions.
Her family was stuck in a cycle of talking about old memories.
Everyone else continuously told her how sorry they were for her loss.
But no one had asked her if she wanted to talk about it.
Maybe everyone else was scared to, but Alison wasn't.
Emily thought about what to say for a moment.
She wanted to talk to Alison.
In fact, Alison was the only person she would even think of talking to about it.
The only issue was that she worried if she started talking about it that she would lose control of herself and wouldn't be able to stop crying.
Even just the thought of sharing how she felt made her eyes well up with tears.
As if Alison sensed this, she stepped forward and pulled Emily into a hug.
Emily froze for a second.
"I-"
"-You don't have to say anything," Alison whispered.
Emily inhaled a shaky breath as tears threatened to spill over.
She finally wrapped her arms around Alison and leaned her face into her hair, breathing her in.
Emily clutched Alison's back.
It reminded her of that night.
The way she somehow mananged to drive to Alison's house despite her whole body shaking and being in flight or fight mode.
She had no sense of direction that night, but she found Alison.
She was a compass for Emily in her grief.
A fortress.
A solitude.
A landing point.
Alison didn't let go of their embrace.
Emily didn't either.
Having Alison's arms wrapped around brought her a sense of peace and calmness that she hadn't felt in a long time.
Holding her tuned out all of the awful thoughts and feelings that had been torturing her.
Her nervous system had been in shambles since her fathers death, but being in Alison's embrace relaxed her body.
She wanted to stay there all night.
She wanted to stay there for forever.
The only thing that brought her down to earth was a brisk, cold wind that sent shivers down her body.
Emily slowly pulled away from Alison.
"Sorry," she apologized quitely.
She had kept the blonde outside in the cool, fall air for a long time already.
Alison reached up and tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear, causing her to shiver again.
"Stop saying sorry," Alison whispered back with a smile.
Emily shyly smiled back.
She wanted to kiss her until they lost their breath.
She wanted to stay with her and hold her.
She just wanted her.
Despite every fiber in her being that just wanted to lose herself in Alison, Emily stepped back.
It was a strange feeling...having Alison back in her life.
It almost didn't feel real at all.
They had been apart for so long, yet it felt as if the last time they were together was yesterday.
Emily still had her doubts.
She was still afraid.
Yet whenever she was with Alison, all of those fears seem to drift away.
The only thing she could seem to think about was kissing her...and more.
Emily didn't think she was always that easy to read, but Alison once again proved her wrong...
"Take me on that date first," Alison said knowingly while running her fingers down Emily's arm, grabbing her hand for a moment, and then letting go.
Emily shivered once again, but this time it wasn't because of the cool air.
Emily's cheeks warmed up from shyness and nervousness.
"Okay," she replied quitely.
Alison tilted her head and smiled up at her lovingly.
"I'll see you around killer."
Emily's heart sped up.
She hadn't heard Alison's little nickname for her in ages.
She was sure she looked like a blushing, shy mess.
Emily watched as Alison walked over to her car door.
Right before she turned to go over to her own car, Alison gave her a wink and a smile before ducking inside the drivers seat.
As Alison drove away, Emily couldn't help but smile to herself.
She was the happiest she had been in a very long time, but she couldn't help but ruin it for herself by fearing it could get taken away.
That Alison would leave her somehow in the future.
That she might make a mistake and lose her.
Not long after Alison left, her thoughts returned to her father.
Her dad was someone whom she loved infinitely, and she lost him.
As happy as she was that Alison was back in her life, the fear of losing her overtook that happiness.
She looked up at the stars in the sky.
It calmed her.
She wondered if that was the cost of love.
That if you love someone, you stand to lose that person.
Or maybe it was the gift of love.
If you grieve someone, it meant that you loved that person.
Alison was a gift.
Emily thought of the advice her father gave her about Alison.
He said that she shouldn't let her best friend go unless she was sure.
So there she was, excited and scared, happy but afraid, confident yet terrified.
As she got in her car she took a deep breath.
I'm fighting for my best friend, dad.
I hope you all enjoyed! I'll see you next time.
Much love,
3mison.
