Truth Is... (2017)

Punk

More than anything I wish that I could change the conditions surrounding what happened between me and Dakota. I'm not entirely sure I'd take back what happened between us. Being torn isn't fun. AJ doesn't deserve it nor does Dakota. If I'm being honest, if there was one person I wanted to hurt that would've been Colt. Even then, Colton didn't really deserve the payback that I doled out. Everyone else was collateral damage. I can't say that everything that happened I hadn't fantasized about prior. I seized the opportunity knowing I wouldn't get another. For that alone, I feel horrible.

Absently I stare at the collection of pictures on our end table. Mostly wondering how I got to this place. Things hadn't been the same in our relationship, we'd grown apart. Being under the watchful eye of fans and having my every move reported on social media and 'dirt sheets' added to the strain in my marriage. I'd been doing projects to busy myself and AJ focused on her writing. At the beginning we worked hard to maintain our relationship and work in separate spheres. I fucked everything up because I couldn't keep my mouth shut. First with this interview that's rocked mine and Colt's friendship and now because I couldn't stay away from Dakota, his girlfriend.

Tears and the silent treatment were what AJ rewarded me with. She sent me the video of Dakota and me from our security cameras a couple of weeks later then left Chicago and head to our LA home to focus on work. I haven't spoken with her for almost three months, but she finally came around. As of the last few months of our separation, we've been on speaking terms... I feel like an absolute asshole. How could I have been so… careless… weak?

In addition to Dakota telling all parties involved, AJ sent the video to Colt. He was livid and refused to speak to me, which I understand. Several times I called, everyone I hurt, I had no idea what I was going to say. Colt cut ties with me in every way he could, including changing his legal representation. It didn't help that things between Colt and I are strained right now because of all the legal proceedings going on with the infamous podcast. No one was interested in hearing what I had to say. What do I say?

There is nothing I can say. I monumentally fucked up. I pride myself on my self-control, but Dakota unknowingly challenged that. I was being thoroughly selfish.

"Hmmm," I get up grabbing the fresh pot of coffee that I'd put on. I'd woken up not in the right headspace to sit in meeting after meeting. I guess today is going to be one of those days I've got to force myself to get it done. Hopefully, the conclusion of everything will have some positive turn out. "Here Larry," I call to my pup.

Jingling and scratching get louder as he saunters up to my feet, licking my ankles in response. I set his bowl with bison jerky on the floor next to his bed. "Well at least I've got you."

I'll be home for a little while later today. We can talk about it then.

April

9:33a

My heart hammers in my chest as I reread the words across the screen. It's the first time she's bothered with texting me since sending me that stupid video. Maybe I can begin to claw myself out of the doghouse... depends on her feelings in the matter.

Out of habit now, I scroll up the thread to the clip, painstakingly I press the play button. Seeing myself hover over Dakota, touching her, I can remember how warm and soft her skin was. The familiar script on her side. I can't help but remember how well she fit under me, I could be rougher with her, and it was intoxicating. I could do all the things I wanted that I couldn't with April.

"I've got to get it together..." I mutter to no one in particular. Quickly, I scroll down the screen disgusted with my actions on the footage. I start to type a paragraph, then I delete it.

Okay, see you soon be safe.

Phil 9:57a

Bargaining

AJ (2017)

Pulling into my favorite spot in our small little garage sends my heart racing. I haven't been here in months almost a year. Somehow everything is still the same as I left it. Though there's new signage in the garage and the parking lines has been repainted. I wonder how much I've missed since we separated.

My nerves go haywire as I punch the elevator to 4th floor. Mindlessly, I peel at the ragged skin around my cuticles, I've picked my nails raw; he'll notice. Whenever I begin missing Phil that video comes to mind. My emotions are all over the place. On one hand I'm beyond angry with him, to the point that I stayed away for so many months. On the other hand, I'm glad my worst fear has come true. While we've were separated, I tossed around the idea of opening our relationship... I don't know. I'm still not sure if I'd be okay at this point. Since he decided to venture out, I'd also like to test the boundaries between a couple of friends. I think it's better to get our cards on the table tonight.

"Hey," he says from the floor. Larry anxiously wags his tail and shuffles side to side demanding my attention. My husband stands up to full height towering over me, a goofy grin spreads across his mouth. He gestures to the bags and the tray of coffee, next to the door. "Sorry, I thought I had more time."

"I see," I peer up at him over my glasses. "Shall we?"

"Uhhh yeah," He holds the door open ushering Larry and me inside. Quickly he dashes back to gather the food and drinks.

As I walk in everything is pretty much as I left it. The fluffy white throw is still on the couch, at once I want to toss it in the garbage. My eyes drift to the small little dining table with his laptop open to a black screen on it. There a quite a few water bottles collected on his side. Some take out bags and containers spill out of the trash can at the end of the island. Nearby in the corner of the fireplace, Larry's little corner has been tidied up. His water bowl overfull from the ice melted inside. My heart aches a little to realize that I miss being home.

"Hungry?"

"Oh, yeah," I cross my arms, causing my hoodie to collapse around me. "What'd you get?"

"You pick..." He opens the couple of boxes. One's a burrito with potatoes; the other is a loaded omelet.

"You're really trying huh?" I smirk to myself, and he laughs weakly, rolling his eyes. He knows how picky I can be and brought a couple of my favorites for brunch. I grab the box with the omelet inspecting it. Egg whites, cheddar, salsa and a slew of veggies; everything to my liking. "Let's have a chat first, that way I can decide if I need this to go."

He rocks back on his heels and shoves his hands in his pockets. Behind him Larry dances, smelling the food. "Right to it?"

"I think that'd be best," weakly I nod. He went the extra mile even to get my coffee and succulent flowers.

"Please April, would you stay for a little while?" My husband pulls the large black chair out, gesturing for me to sit.

"Start talking," I cross my arms and legs again, "and I'll decide what I want to do."

"What do you want me to say? You know everything..." he shrugs, "You saw everything. What do you want to hear?"

"Why?"

"Oh," he sighs looking past me out the window, "uh, to be honest, I'm still asking myself that question…" Phil doesn't look me in the eyes. My gut churns because I feel like that's the truth. I don't know what to do with that information, but it could be useful...eventually.

"Why Dakota?"

Silence. He settles across from me, shaking his head. The bags under his eyes seem to have intensified and the brims of his eyes are red.

"How many times have you been with her?" I demand. With each question his shoulders slump and he avoids away from my gaze. I count how many times he taps the side of his cup, staring into it as though he could find the answer. "Right now, I don't trust you. Hell, I'm not sure why I still love you."

"Is this where we call it quits?" finally he pulls the question out of his panic, his voice shakes. Tears begin to fill his eyes; I've seen him get this extremely emotional only a handful of times before. Usually, I'm more than happy to help coax him out of it… but this time… I'm doing my best to keep my own in check. During our entire 5 years married, I can say his conscious has to be killing him if there's tears.

"I…I don't know, Phil." I gather my hair and wind it at the back of my neck. "You've got to be honest with me… that is the only thing that will determine what happens here. So, I'm gonna need you to muster up more than I haven't figured it out… or I don't know."

He nods, crossing his fingers. "When everything thing happened…I wasn't thinking. I…" a few tears fall, and my blood begins boiling. "I'm sorry."

"I heard what was said, what you told her, Phil. I didn't want to believe what I heard… I could understand if it was the typical traveling woes but you two were here… in our home." I'm borderline yelling, "You fucked her in our bed, our living room, in our home! And now you have the audacity to tell me you weren't thinking!"

"You're absolutely right," he stands up towering over me, guilt clear on his face, "I don't want to admit this… the truth is… I got this thing for Dakota out of nowhere. I didn't think I'd actually act on it. Things soured between me and Colt. She was the only reason I kept trying to save our friendship. Somewhere along the way I caught feelings for her…" his rubs the back of his neck, trying not look at me.

I close my eyes, rocking side to side, shellshocked that he'd admit to his wife he had feelings for another woman. I'd seen his reaction when Colt mentioned her name. I'd seen how he watched her when she'd been in our presence. At the back of my mind I knew, I'm sure there were other temptations once upon a time ago… but the respect wasn't there. Shakily I exhale, "I know."

"April," I refuse to shed anymore tears. "I still want you to be my wife… I still do love you more than anything... But we hardly spend time together anymore, you're busy with all the projects, writing... And I'm not really going anywhere right now... all of it was several moments of weakness." he sighs. He's always been critical of himself, but I can't recall a time when he's doubted himself.

"But… Dakota?" my lips are on fire from me anxiously gnawing at them, "You couldn't have chosen anyone else..."

"I know," he grumbles, "I don't know why it had to be her."

"Do you still want her?" I sigh, already tired of the charade.

He says nothing, and that silence is damning. "I understand what you're going through ironically..." begrudgingly, his eyes narrow in anger. "We've been separated for the better part of a year," and I'm having a hard time staying angry with him. "We can do two things…"

"Therapy is one of them," he grimaces, finishing my thought. "What's the other?"

I smile and anger swallows his face. We've had this discussion before, and it didn't end well. I'm not the one who fucked up, so I have a chance at getting what I want.

"I know you're not the one who messed up," he admits, his voice barely above a whisper. "But I don't want to lose you, April. I'm willing to do anything to fix this. To fix us."

I lean back, my eyes locking onto his with a mixture of anger, anxiety, and sadness. "Then start by telling me everything. No more lies. No more amending. No more omissions. I need to know the whole truth, Phil. Only then can we even think about moving forward."

He nods again, wiping tears away, this time more resolutely. "Okay," he says, taking a deep breath. "I'll tell you everything. But please, just promise me that we have a chance at working through this."

My heart aches as I listen to him, torn between the love I still feel and the betrayal that's shattered my trust. "This is your last chance, Phil. Don't waste it."

He looks at me, eyes filled with regret and determination. "I won't," he promises. "I swear, I won't."