Poe stared wide-eyed. His body went completely numb. He sat on the floor of the pod, his back against the wall, panting. Time stood still. He couldn't think. It just stood still and he didn't want it to start again.

Because he was afraid of what would come next. That's the price you pay.

Damn, he imagined so many things. Things that made no sense. Things that anyone who'd told him a few rotations ago would have laughed at.

God, how he hated Vice Admiral fucking Amilyn Holdo at first. She was the living embodiment of everything that made his brain explode. Her secrecy, her passivity, her condescending manner, her nicknames, the walls she put in his way. But what blew his mind most of all was, despite all of this, he was simply unable to ignore her. Ridiculous. Once he slammed the door to wring her neck, and all Holdo needed to do was fluttering her eyelashes in her sleep and Poe didn't even know why he'd arrived.

It was as if an invisible ribbon was pulling him along. A magnet that somehow grew stronger with each rotation. Every time they spoke. When she slapped him. When he saw the tears in her eyes. When touched her. When saw her helpless.

But he also saw how she looked at him. That had changed.

He wanted to fight with her. To argue, scream, pull her back by the arm once again. To rebel, disobey orders, even fight, get another slap in the face, he did not care. Anything but this!

He tried to take a deep breath.

The thunder-like sound of the loudspeaker was still booming In his ears. Since he escaped back to the Raddus, tricking even Leia Organa. He would never forget that sound in this life.

Recharge in progress. Countdown starts.

But what did it count down to?

He knitted his eyebrows. The Supremacy was shooting at their people and they were doing nothing. What was Holdo doing?!

He was trying to catch his breath and not to trip over his own feet as ran breathlessly through the Raddus' deserted corridors.

"Just find you... You'll regret…" he cursed, hoping at every turn he would see the familiar purple hair finally. To tell her how fucked up he was and how much she would fucking really regret it...

"Where are you?! Holdo!"

He finally ran through the entrance of the control room. But he was not prepared for the sight at all. His eyes widened. Through the huge window, instead of the familiar blackness of space, he found himself right face to face with the huge figure of the Supremacy. The instruments hummed on hold. Turning around, he saw the parameters of the last command flashing on the displays. Suddenly he understood everything. Almost everything. His next breath caught in his throat.

"What are you doing?" he groaned and jumped at the switches. Whatever he pressed, however, the system locked up. Holdo locked it. But why the hell had she locked it?! He had no access, the order would be carried out anyway. Poe pounded his fist and howled. The ship will be destroyed in moments.

"Where the hell are you?" he turned around, half angry, half desperate. Then suddenly froze. It was then that he noticed the red footprints on the ground. Then the headdress of silver circles. A chill ran down his spine, but he forced his gaze run between the panels. And then he saw her hand. It was hers. Long fingers, delicate lines, and white. White as snow.

He went numb as walked towards her. Holdo's slender form lay on the floor like a porcelain doll. Her splaying hair covered her face. Some of the purple curls was stained dark with blood. So did her clothes.

He felt the ground disappear from under his feet. All he knew was that he was kneeling beside her, searching for her pulse on the neck.

Countdown.

He didn't know how to, he had never done that before and didn't feel anything.

Countdown.

Her skin felt so cold.

Countdown.

"Holdo" he shook her desperately.

Countdown.

"You better be just trying to fool me again"

Final countdown.

"Damn you" he picked her up and ran like a madman.

Once in the pod, he couldn't even remember the journey. All he knew was that the pod was only half repaired. He had worked on it two times when he escaped to the hangar, avoiding punching Holdo right in the face after an argument or another. The small cabin was barely functional and had even less fuel. But it didn't matter. The only thing that mattered was leaving the Raddus before it reached the speed of light. Just lift off a bit, drift the hell away!

His hand was shaking as tried to enter the coordinates with the calm of losers anyway. He was scrambling. Sweating. Adrenaline surged painfully through his veins as the small cabin finally lifted and headed into the darkness. The cruiser was getting further away, the sound of its sirens were slowly dying away aswell. He could hear nothing but his own heartbeat.

It was just a beat or two. And the view went white all of a sudden.

The huge, massive light blinded him. White as nothingness. Time stopped again.

Then this white darkness broke… and exploded. It's sound struck with elemental force.

The explosion hit the cabin hard. Poe took Amilyn in his arms and held her close. He tried to protect themselves as hit the pod's wall. For a moment, he felt his skull split in two. He prayed the little shieldless pod would hold, but could not take his eyes off the window. He couldn't even blink.

The Raddus struck into the middle of the Imperial ship like lightning. Its power sliced the beast in two like a blade. Poe laughed involuntarily. But it was not over yet. The light continued to spread, engulfing everything in its path. Poe watched the wave crush the dozens of nearby Star Destroyers to dust, one after another. The Supremacy split apart, its board burst into flames. When the explosions ended, it was replaced by some kind of heavy darkness. Heavy from silence.

Only the Resistance's escape pods were heading for the planet's surface, unbroken, like tiny lanterns of hope in the sky.

Poe looked down at the woman lying in his lap. The woman who never let him in on anything. The woman who would most often have made him run from this world. To whom he would have told her so much now how proud he was.

Her head rested on his shoulder, the tip of her nose gently touched the skin of his neck. She was a mess. As Poe himself. The blood was slowly drying on her lips. Her features were calm. Somehow too calm. Poe tightened his arms around her. Under his palms, Holdo-

"Amilyn" was the first time he said it out loud.

Under her palms, Amilyn was soft as ever, but cold – he swallowed. Her figure fit so perfectly in his hand. And her incomprehensible and inaccessible thinking has written one of the greatest sparks in history on the dark canvas of space just now. Something the First Order will never forget.

.

What a strange place death is. Amilyn knew nothing but this. How different it was. Was this the Force? What the Jedi felt? Something she had always wanted to understand, but never had. The warmth - in any case - that surrounded her was somehow warmer, than before. The nothingness was even lighter, like lying on clouds. Eternal silence, strange shapes, colours, and she, like a vision, floated among them without a care. Without a body. She tried to remember, tried to feel, but couldn't. She became nothing. But didn't mind, she didn't mind anything anymore. It was over.

And then suddenly, a barely audible voice cut through it.

"Amilyn"

A man's voice. Interesting. He pronounced the sounds as softly as if he were doing it for the very first time. As if he wanted to taste them, like a sweet fruit in the desert.

She felt arms around her. Warm softness, like a jacket. Like the one the pilots had. It smelled like a certain pilot indeed. His skin. She tried to remember it. The smell that had intoxicated her like nothing else. Dameron's masculine, exciting, sweet adventure fragrance. She inhaled deeply.

A strong arm wrapped around her waist, another gently stroked along her cheek.

"Whatever gave you such an idea?" the voice laughed ligthly, and yet Amilyn had never heard sadder words. "It was a big fucking boom, you know?" the voice trailed off. "Damn you"

She felt her head gently folded into a warm palm. His breath found its way into her hair, like a hot wave. He kissed the top of her head. The lines of her locks. Her temples, then her cheeks. Slowly, warmly, with lips full of love. Then as if... her lips. As if...

Everything became blurred. She felt tears on her cheeks, heard sniffling. Then nothing. Death is a strange place indeed.

.

Leia Organa stared at Holdo's face as if she had been hypnotised. She couldn't take her eyes off her. She had been sitting by her bedside for hours, just as she had the day before. The First Order was not up their arses yet, and her crew accepted the fact that they were taking orders from that very infirmary's metal chair. There was a respectful silence on the base, for which Leia was sincerely grateful.

It would have been difficult for her to say how she felt. It was lucky that no one dared to ask anyway. When Leia was injured, Holdo took control of the entire Resistance in an instant, in a totally trapped situation. With Snoke constantly attacking her brain. Snoke... the Sith Amilyn managed to outlive. Even though Leia was sure that if he died, he would take her with him. But no. Who else could have done this - she mused. How much could this girl take? She didn't know. We'll find out now - she sighed.

She'll never forget the joy in Amilyn's eyes when she finally saw Leia coming out of the infirmary. No other person can be more genuinely happy than her friend from Gatalenta. And she wanted her to meet the very same look when she woke up. If she woke up.

It was a total chaos when the pods landed at the Crait base. It was hard for her to shout over the crew full of adrenaline, barely noticing that a final pod was descending in front of the hangar shortly after them. She reached for her gun first. It even crossed her mind, it was carrying the enemy. That they would be located this fast.

Then Dameron got out. That Dameron she had thought until that moment, was setting up the base in the room behind her. She wondered where else should she demote the man this time.

The crowd cheered for him, but fell silent the next moment. Leia walked closer. Poe who was always loud and flashy, now looked nowhere, as hurried across them. His gaze was empty, steps hard. And there was she, in his arms. Holdo. White and bloody. Leia froze.

Didn't explode? Is she alive? … Looks dead. God, dead. Dameron. Dameron? How...

She didn't know, just followed him silently to the medical droid. Her brain suddenly decided it could not take another thought. She stared blankly as Amilyn was laid on the bed, as they cut her dress off, as they wash the blood from her skin and cover her with a white blanket. As the droid tells on its mechanical voice that will not take any responsibility for her because there is little it can do without a Bakta tank. As it then sticks tubes under her skin, through which a blue liquid flows into her veins and puts her oxygen mask on. She watched as Dameron squeezed her hand and when the droid tried to send him out, he threatened it to take its fucking battery out, piss on it, and stampe it before throwing it in the fire.

That was the point she told Dameron she would speak to him later and if he was not at the hangar entrance with the other pilots in a minute, he would shovel salt from then on. Then, after he kicked a chair up - as usual - and stormed out, she finally sat down. And she's been sitting there ever since.

"I know it's not easy to come back from where you are now," she began, taking her bony hand in hers. "It's carefree over there, I know. It's easy. No fear, no pain, no war. But sometimes... a familiar voice creeps through," she smiled. "And even in that unthinking nothingness, it can make you realize that life isn't really such a bad place. And there's somebody to come back for."

Amilyn's eyelashes suddenly fluttered. Her lips parted under the mask. Leia's gaze darted there immediately.

"Life's a bitch" she breathed, barely audible.

Leia jumped up and placed her palms on her face. "Hey"

"Spending... years alone... then... get kissed... postomus"

"What?"

"Fucked up shit…" she muttered, then dozed off again.

Leia laughed, narrowed her eyes and shook her head all at once. This was the Ami she knew. And she lived. Now she knew she would.

The general pulled away and straightened up, as if every movement was suddenly easier, than just a minute ago. Then grinned.

It was definitely time to have a little talk with Dameron.