Snow Lights:
It had only been a week since Gabriel had agreed to stay at the Bunker, but the days and nights had blurred together for Cas due to a few startling realizations: One; his brother refused to close down when he was tired, and with his Grace still recharging, that meant he would simply pass out somewhere and send both Sam and Lailah into a panic. Two; Gabriel never wanted to be by himself, which meant that shifts had been set up between the twins and Sam so that someone was always at the Archangel's side. And the third, and perhaps most awful aspect for Cas, was that whatever trauma and abuse Gabriel had endured manifested in "nightmares" and waking visions. Sometimes he saw Asmodeus, he would also hear the Demon's or others' voices, and still other times brought back the intensity of the pain he'd had inflicted on him. There was no way to tell or predict what Gabriel's mind would subject him to, and his screams and cries sent the Angel spiraling into his own panic because he felt so useless. But of course, he was trying to conceal all of that. Not only for the Archangel's sake, but the others as well. Dean would constantly ask if he was all right, and how he was handling things, but Cas couldn't bring himself to actually tell his husband the truth. Because he knew Dean was still dodging emotional displays and discussions of mental well-being, even if he had gotten better in the last couple of years. He knew his sister could tell he was unnerved and, quite frankly, frightened by some of Gabriel's outbursts, but he wasn't going to burden her with his baggage. Not when she needed to worry about their brother and her own feelings. And Sam... Sam was stuck in the middle as always, and was doing his best to keep his head up. "Hey, Cas?" He pulled himself out of his introspection to see the aforementioned Nephilim standing in the doorway to the living room. Gabriel was at his side, but his eyes were focused on the floor, wings drooping. "I've got to get some work done for Dean's next job, but Gabe's not feeling too great right now. Can you keep him company for a couple hours?"
"Of course." Sam gently nudged the Archangel towards the couch, and he went almost robotically to sit at the opposite end from his brother. "What happened?"
"Auditory hallucination, but I couldn't get any details other than he thought Lucifer was somewhere in the Bunker." Cas' eyes went wide, and he immediately knew why Sam had come to him. "So just keep an eye on him, okay?"
"I will." Then Sam was heading towards the library, and the Angel walked over and crouched down until he could see his brother's eyes. "Lucifer isn't here. You know that, right?"
"I know Asmodeus is dead, but that doesn't stop me from seeing that bastard either."
"Hell's touch can be very strong, Gabriel. Even on us."
"So much for "good always triumphs over evil". Or does that just mean I'm not good?"
"What are you talking about?" Gabriel looked up, a sarcastic smile on his face.
"Just what I said. If I can't get past or get over what was done to me; if I can't "triumph", then does that mean I'm not a good person?"
"You're an Archangel."
"So is Lucifer. So were Michael and Raphael. That's just proving my point."
"Cassiel was an Archangel. Wasn't he good?" Now Gabriel pouted at him.
"I'm going to regret ever telling you and Lailah about him. You've invoked his name more times in the last week and a half than you ever have since your creation."
"Had we known about him previously, I'm sure we would've done so. But I will call on his memory as often as I need to if it helps you realize you're being too hard on yourself. Regardless of your former apathy about the world and humanity, you've had a change of heart. So yes, I think you're a good person." There was a slight pull at the corners of Gabriel's mouth, almost like he'd started to smile, but then thought better of it.
"...Thanks. That means a little more, coming from you."
"Why is that?"
"Because you've seen our siblings at their worst, it seems." Cas sighed, shaking his head for a moment as the memories swam up from the depths of his mind. However, he saw Gabriel's head shoot up like he'd heard something, eyes wide in panic. "Hey... Can we go somewhere else? Some place that's far away and where no other Angel or Demon probably is?"
"Where might that be?" The Archangel pulled his legs up onto the couch, arms wrapping around them. His wings shifted to partially cocoon him, and he shook his head as he whispered:
"I don't know. Just not here." Cas thought for a moment, wondering where his brother might feel safe and isolated, when an idea struck him. He extended his hand to Gabriel, who took if after a moment's hesitation, and then they were flying. When they landed, the deep snow crunched beneath their shoes, and the Angel was glad that their vessels weren't affected by things like cold. Gazing up at the dark sky, Cas smiled as he nudged his brother, who also looked up. "Oh..." The aurora borealis was in full view, and the bands and streaks of color danced and shimmered across the entire sky. They stood watching the "show" for a while in silence.
"Feel any better?"
"A little. I always did like the light shows here. It reminded me of home. Of you and Lailah." Gabriel glanced behind them before carefully falling into the soft snow, spreading his wings out for a moment before folding them back into place. "Look Cas, you don't have to stay. I know you've got better things to do than babysit me."
"I don't, actually. Dean is busy getting ready for a solo hunt, and I'd just be underfoot."
"You don't always go with him?"
"Not always, no. And I'll do missions on my own sometimes, too. We don't need to be together constantly, even if we worry about the other when we're apart."
"I've never bonded before. What's it like?" Cas lay back in the snow as well, stretching his hand towards the sky for a moment.
"Like knowing every part of your partner as well as you know yourself. Finding details you didn't realize about conversations or situations because you're experiencing their view. Being able to see or hear something from their past that brings you even closer now that you know about it."
"So it's like Lailah's power magnified?"
"By about a thousand times, but yes." The Angel had a contented smile on his face, and Gabriel couldn't help but smile as well this time.
"I'm glad he makes you happy, Cas. Dean-o may be rough around the edges, but his love for you is pretty apparent."
"I almost missed out on it, but Lailah insisted that Dean had a right to know how I felt. I'm glad I listened to her when he asked me my feelings."
"Me too. I'm just sorry she wasn't there to defend you from all the assholes you kept running into. I mean... Naomi? Metatron? Anyone else who should be on my shit list for what they did to you?" The brothers locked eyes, and Cas swallowed nervously for a moment. He didn't want to bring up the past. Nothing would change it, and it might do Gabriel more harm than good hearing about it.
"Well... Everyone's dead now except Metatron. He's locked up in Heaven. Or at least he was last time I checked." The Archangel took a moment to process that statement.
"...Did you kill them? Or did Dean?" Cas frowned and looked away. He didn't want to go down this road, but Gabriel seemed intent on this line of questioning.
"Uriel had been on Lucifer's side the whole time and tried to kill me, but Anna ended up getting him. Then Michael killed her when she time-traveled to kill Sam and Dean's parents. I killed Raphael after I'd absorbed all the souls from Purgatory. That... Was not my best idea." Gabriel saw him press a hand to his abdomen and shudder.
"...Why did you mess with that place? Dad locked stuff away in there that-"
"The Leviathans... Trust me, I know."
"Wait, did you absorb them too?"
"Unknowingly, but yes. And then they... Gabriel, I am responsible for the deaths of thousands of our siblings. That's why when Metatron told me that doing some trials would make me a hero... I needed that, because I still had the guilt about what I'd done. But he just used me to lock everyone out of Heaven so he could take over. Michael probably went up there after we'd dealt with Metatron to straighten things out, and I was still coming to terms with my depleted Grace."
"Why was your Grace affected? I get your wings being useless, but you were still an Angel."
"No, I wasn't." The Archangel sat up now, concern on his face. The more he heard from his brother, the more anger he felt coursing through him. Anger at the others for putting Cas through all of this, and guilt that he'd been in no position to help with any of it. "In order to cast everyone out of Heaven, Metatron took my Grace. He made me human."
"Human? So wait, when I stripped Sariel of his-"
"It brought back a few painful memories."
"Cas... I'm sorry. I didn't know."
"Lailah did, which is why I was surprised at her suggestion. But I know she was so angry at Sariel for what he'd done to me and Artemis."
"The poison, right?"
"Yes. An Asura Blade." The Archangel sucked in a breath at the mention of the weapon, now that he could focus on remembering what it was. "You know of them?"
"Unfortunately. They were pretty popular once Luci's goons came up with the formula. I watched a few of our siblings die in agony, and even the Rit Zien could only delay the inevitable. After that... They would just kill anyone affected by those things, rather than prolong their suffering. But... You survived?"
"Because of my family. Lailah, Dean, and Sam were able to overcome it by showing and reminding me that I am loved."
"Love? That was the cure?" Gabriel gave a short, sharp laugh. "No wonder we couldn't figure it out. The Demons could have spelled it out, and yet we never would've been able to do anything."
"There are Angels who loved each other. You don't bond with someone unless-"
"Unless you're ordered to, or to gain information, or to have power over another." Cas stared dumbstruck at his brother, who looked away. "Maybe there were a few who actually loved their bond-mates, but most just saw it as another way to play the game. Humans use sex in a similar way."
"Not Dean." There was a tone in the Angel's voice that spoke of indignation at the very thought of his husband being like that. "Not anyone in our family. They would never. I would never. And if that was the normal mindset, I'm glad the others viewed me as broken. That's why they kept going after me: Because they said I was broken. Flawed. I had "a crack in my chassis" and needed to be fixed, or cured of my feelings." The Archangel blinked a few times, the anger surging back with a vengeance at everything his little brother had been put through.
"They're the broken ones. The ones who only paid lip-service to Dad's command to love humanity. But you and Lailah? You two embraced people in ways the others can't even fathom. And yeah, it cost you almost everything, but you're still standing next to Dean."
"I almost lost him a few times. Naomi tried to make me kill him, but he was able to get through her mind-control and snap me back to myself. I never should have trusted her..."
"Yeah, she and Lailah never got along."
"I was told that was because Lailah didn't care about Heaven, and Naomi cared too much. But in reality, Naomi was just using all of us to further her own agenda. We were all expendable to her..."
"What happened to her?"
"She was killed by Metatron because he fooled her into thinking he was weak. Had she been the only one to go after Dean, it wouldn't have been so bad. But she wasn't. Ishim was the next one to attempt it; to "cure me of my weakness", but I got him first."
"The hell did Ishim have against Dean-o? How did they even meet?"
"The garrison we'd been a part of was being hunted by a human who as able to use Ennochain magick. Lily was... Ishim had killed her daughter under false pretenses, and I'd been complicit in that. When he asked for my help against her, of course Sam and Dean got mixed up in that. And because my feelings for Dean were "so obvious" as Sam once said, Ishim thought he was doing me a favor. However, he hadn't realized that I'd gotten very good at killing our kind over the years."
"Yeah, but that's all been self-defense except for... The Leviathan thing you mentioned." Now Cas shook his head, sitting up and taking a deep breath.
"There have been a number of our siblings that I killed in self-defense, yes. But the one that was not... The one I regret the most... Was Balthazar. He was worried about me taking the souls from Purgatory, and was helping Sam and Dean try to stop me. And all I cared about at that time was stopping Raphael from restarting the Apocalypse. I... I called him a traitor and killed him. Shoved a Blade in his back and felt nothing but satisfaction when he died..." The tears were already falling when the sob tore itself from his throat, and Gabriel immediately pulled the Angel into a hug.
"Oh, Cas... Shit, I don't have anything to say to all that."
"I feel like I'll never leave this guilt behind..."
"You can't let Lailah take the memories?"
"They're all tied up in memories of Sam and Dean. If she takes them, I'll forget them too. And I'd rather live like this than ever forget that I love Dean."
"...Wow. I hope he's felt that sentiment when bonding. I'm not sure I could even comprehend a love that powerful."
"It hasn't always been..."
"What do you mean?" The Angel squirmed now, trying to loosen Gabriel's grip.
"He's hated me at times. With good reason. Sam's told you how I took some of his... Insanity, yes? The worst traumas and hallucinations of Lucifer and his time in Hell?"
"Yeah, but what does that-" Cas roughly pulled away from his brother, getting to his feet.
"I'm the reason he was like that in the first place! When I took him out of the Cage, I left his soul there on purpose because I made a deal with Crowley. And then when I thought they were going to stop me from getting the souls from Purgatory, I broke the wall holding those awful memories back. It was all my fault. And that's why Dean hated me for so long... Why he left me in the mental hospital, why he didn't accept my apologies, why he so easily kicked me out of the Bunker, and why he used me as just another tool when dealing with everything..." Gabriel was having a hard time wrapping his mind around any of this, and he was torn between wanting to scream at his brother, and hug him again. "So if anyone isn't a "good person", it's me, Gabriel." The Archangel dropped to his knees, hands over his ears as he tried to block out the laughter he could suddenly hear all around them.
'There is nothing holy or sacred about you Angels, boy,' Asmodeus' voice rang in his mind. 'All your kind are, are Demons with wings and some other fancy powers. Yet you lord yourselves over the rest of us as if we should want to be like you.' Tears were running down his face, and he was trying not to scream, when a pair of rainbow wings wrapped tightly around him.
"Gabriel! Please calm down! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry..." That last sentence was whispered against his ear rather than shouted, and he could feel Cas' arms around his shoulders. "I shouldn't have said anything. You have your own problems. You didn't need to hear mine."
"...Yes, I did." His voice also came out in a whisper, but that was fine for the moment. "I need to know what I abandoned you to. What you were made to and thought you had to do. I just... Why did you have to involve Sam?"
"Because he's Dean's weakness. Even now, I would never ask him to choose between me and his brother. My husband would do anything to protect Sam. And I understand that now, because I would do the same for Lailah."
"Have you ever apologized to him?"
"Properly? No... I should. I will."
"I guess trauma runs pretty deep in this family, huh?"
"It seems that way." Cas pulled back, giving a sad smile. "But we have to get through it. For ourselves, and the ones who love us."
"I don't know how long it's going to take me, Cas. I could be like this for years..."
"That's okay. It's been years for me too, and I'm still not even remotely over everything. There's no time-frame for this except what you set for yourself."
"But you're mad at yourself for feeling this way..." The Angel shrugged and sighed.
"Yes, but I'm my own harshest critic. You probably are too. Sometimes I make progress in accepting what happened, and sometimes I stumble and get mired down in guilt and anger. But eventually, I'll be okay. Or, as okay as I can be."
"Do you think I'll be okay one day?" Gabriel looked so small at that moment, and Cas felt emotion well up in his chest as he once more pulled his brother close.
"Of course I do. You're Gabriel: Archangel and Trickster. Nothing can keep you down forever."
"Can we go home?"
"Yes. Yes, we can." The Angel took Gabriel's hand, and then they were in the Bunker's library. Sam looked up, startled when he saw them.
"What happened?" he asked as he stood, realizing they'd both been crying.
"We shared some things," Cas explained with a shrug. "Things that were a little... Heavy." The Nephilim walked over to Gabriel, who just leaned against the taller man, head down and eyes closed. "Sam, before I go, I need to say: I'm sorry."
"For what, Cas?"
"For hurting you. For letting you suffer in the Cage because I made a horrible deal. For bringing you past the brink of what a human mind can handle. Even if you forgive me, it will be a long time before I can forgive myself." Sam gave a sad smile and nodded.
"...I know. And now that you know what having a real sibling bond is like, I've seen you do everything you can to make up for the past. I don't hate you for what happened, but part of my own healing is figuring out how to completely forgive you."
"I would understand if you can't."
"He will," Gabriel spoke up. "Because that's just how Sammy is."
"You seem pretty sure of that," Sam gently shot back.
"I am." With that, the Archangel went and sat down in the chair next to where Sam had been sitting, resting his head on his arms and closing down for "sleep". Cas and Sam stared for a moment, both blinking in slight shock.
"Well... That's progress. Good job, Cas."
"I'm not sure I did anything worthy of praise, but... This is a good sign." Then he turned and headed for the door.
"Where are you going?"
"To bother Dean about something." Cas made it to their bedroom, seeing that Dean was sitting at his desk checking his weapons as he packed them. The Hunter looked up, immediately on his feet when he saw the look on the Angel's face.
"Cas, you okay?!" Strong arms encircled him, and Cas buried his face in Dean's shoulder.
"No. No, I'm not..."
"Talk to me. Please. I may not be Lailah or Sam, but... I love you, and I'm here for you." The Angel of Saturn let the tears fall as he began spilling everything out that he'd kept bottled up. And the Seraph of Hunters, still awkward with emotions and feelings, listened with patience and a heavy heart at the burdens his husband had kept hidden, vowing to do better by him.
