The Mayhem Critic

Aloha, my fellow readers. It is I, the great James Stryker and welcome back to another hilarious chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Well, it's the final week of Halloween Havoc VII, what better way to end it on a high note is to review a pretty silly movie from 2000 called Scary Movie, a comedy that puts horror movies to shame and a movie that spawned four sequels. Is this one of the best parodies of all time, or is it bad like Amistad II? We'll find out today. So sit back, relax and enjoy the newest chapter of The Mayhem Critic. Enjoy.

P.S.: I do not own anything in this story. All rights and references belong to their respective sources. Scary Movie is owned by Dimension Pictures.

Halloween Havoc VII Part V: Scary Movie

SEAN J. ARCHER'S

HALLOWEEN HAVOC VII

After the Halloween Havoc VII intro ends, we see Sean J. Archer, a.k.a. the Mayhem Critic, sitting on his couch in his living room as he prepares his introduction in case anyone has forgotten about him. 7

"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic, the critic that rips movies a new one. I love parodies." Sean said.

(Clips from different parody movies like Blazing Saddles, Young Frankenstein, Spaceballs, Hot Shots, Airplane! and Robin Hood: Men in Tights are shown)

Sean: (Narrating) They tend to make people laugh with some of its best jokes and they tend to be big hits. You also have the masters of parody like Mel Brooks and Jim Abrahams and the Zucker Brothers, giving us some of their greatest works in comedy history with films like Blazing Saddles, Airplane! and so forth. Over the years, there have been some good ones and years later there've been mostly bad parody movies. (The DVD cover for Scream: A XXX Porn Parody is shown) And if we want to be a bunch of horny freaks, there's also porn parodies. So yeah, I love parodies, especially the porn parodies as well.

"And what better way to end Halloween Havoc VII is by talking about one of the funniest parodies of all time." Sean said.

(The DVD cover of Scream: A XXX Parody is shown)

"Yeah, you wish I was reviewing that movie. As much as I want to talk about this movie and to see the hot lesbian scene between Zoe Voss and Scarlett Faye, we're not gonna talk about it. In fact, we're gonna talk about Scary Movie." Sean said.

(The title screen for "Scary Movie" is shown, followed by clips from the movie while the song "Scary Movies" by Bad Meets Evil plays in the background)

Sean: (Narrating) Released in theaters on July 7th, 2000 and directed by Keenen Ivory Wayans. (A picture of Keenen Ivory Wayans is shown) The perfect guy to direct a parody movie since he created In Living Color and he also directed a movie parodying Blaxploitation movies (A poster for I'm Gonna Git You Sucka is shown), Scary Movie is a comedy that pokes fun of the slasher movie genre with films like Scream, I Know What You Did Last Summer and other horror movies. The movie was written by Shawn and Marlon Wayans and two writers who worked on The Wayans Bros., Buddy Johnson and Phil Beauman, and the grim reapers of parody Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, and since your movie consist of the two idiots that brought us Meet the Spartans and Epic Movie, I'm sure we're in pretty good hands. Besides, this movie spawned four sequels (Posters for Scary Movie 2, Scary Movie 3, Scary Movie 4 and Scary Movie 5 are shown). This movie got mixed reviews from critics, hell, Roger Ebert gave the movie three stars out of four. Over the years, it's grown to be one of the funniest movies of all time. A lot of people have been asking me to take a look at this comedy, and today, that's what we're gonna do. So let's take a look at this movie that pokes fun at some of the horror films that we love before Axel Braun makes a XXX parody of Scream.

"Yes, it exists. And man, is it some hot stuff." Sean said with a smile on his face. "Let's take a look at Scary Movie."

(The movie begins)

Sean: (Narrating) The movie opens on Halloween night, as we see Drew Decker, played by Carmen Electra, getting a phone call from a mysterious caller. Also, I just love how the name "Drew Decker" is a parody of Drew Barrymore and her character Casey Becker from Scream. Also, as you can tell, they're parodying the opening to Scream.

The Killer (Voiced by Dave Sheridan): (On the phone) Wanna have a little fun?

Drew Decker (Played by Carmen Electra): Who is this?

The Killer: Tell me your name and I'll tell you mine.

Drew Decker: I don't think so.

(Drew farts)

The Killer: What's that noise?

Drew Decker: Oops. I farted. I didn't think you would hear me.

The Killer: No, that popping noise.

Drew Decker: Oh. I'm making popcorn. I'm getting ready to watch a video.

The Killer: Ooh. What is it?

Drew Decker: It's just a scary movie.

The Killer: Do you like scary movies?

Drew Decker: Mm-hmm.

The Killer: What's your favorite?

Drew Decker: Mm, I don't know.

The Killer: Think.

Drew Decker: Oh, I know. Um, Kazaam, the one where Shaq plays a genie.

The Killer: That's not a horror movie.

Drew Decker: Well, you haven't seen Shaq act.

"Oh, I've seen Shaq act. And that's not the only scary thing that I've seen. And I've seen that dude rap. But the one scary thing is this: he has his own video game." Sean said as the cover art for the SNES version of Shaq Fu is shown.

Sean: (Narrating) Things start to get a little creepy when the mysterious caller happens to be Ghostface, while he's reading a Playboy magazine and he freaks out Drew.

Drew Decker: Listen, asshole, you've had your fun, now you better stop or else.

The Killer: Or else what?

Drew Decker: Or else my boyfriend's gonna be here any minute, and he's black and he'll kick your ass.

The Killer: Oh, really?

Drew Decker: Yeah.

The Killer: You mean the one who wears make-up and dresses like a woman?

Drew Decker: How did you know?

The Killer: Turn the porch lights on.

(Drew turns the porch lights on and we see a guy dressed as Prince tied to a chair)

Not Drew's Boyfriend (Played by Frank B. More): Help! Help!

Drew Decker: Oh, that's not my boyfriend. I mean, I've fucked him a couple of times, but that's it.

(Prince squeals)

(A clip from Animaniacs is shown)

Dot Warner (Played by Tress MacNeille): I found Prince!

(Dot is seen holding the singer Prince)

Sean: (Narrating) Drew runs to the backdoor to lock it while her Jiffy Pop starts to really expand on the stove, and the doorbell rings as she grabs the baseball bat to knock out the guy.

Drew Decker: Take that, you psycho!

(Drew starts to hit the man repeatedly with the baseball bat, but it turns out to be a group of trick-or-treaters, lying on the ground in pain)

Trick or Treater #1 (Played by Giacomo Baessato): I can't feel my legs.

Trick or Treater #2 (Played by Kyle Graham): I think my arm is broken.

Drew Decker: Sorry.

Trick or Treater #3 (Played by Leanne Santos): I want my mommy.

"Hey, it's not every day that you end up getting beaten by smokin' hot Carmen Electra." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Ghostface surprises Drew and chases after her after she makes the dumbest decision by grabbing a banana to defend herself instead of a grenade, a knife or a gun. And things get pretty silly when she loses her clothes and she's just in her bra and panties while the sprinklers come on.

(Drew stops for a moment to pose sexily for the camera)

Sean: (V/O as Cameraman) Oh, uh. Sorry. I just got a hard-on from watching Carmen Electra being smokin' hot.

(Drew continues to run, but Ghostface grabs her and stabs her right on her left breast, removing her silicone implant that's sticking onto his knife. Drew falls to the ground and sees a car on the road, which happens to be her father's car)

Drew Decker: Daddy! Daddy!

(Ghostface removes Drew's implant from off of his knife and gets grossed out by it)

Drew Decker: Daddy! Daddy!

(We cut to Drew's father, who's driving in the car and making a groaning noise)

Drew Decker: Daddy, no! No!

(Drew's father doesn't stop and he ends up hitting her with his car, we then see that it turns out that her father got distracted by his wife, who was performing oral sex on him while he's driving)

Drew's Mom (Played by Karen Kruper): Did you hear something.

Drew's Dad (Played by Mark McConchie): Bo, I didn't hear anything.

(Drew's father stick his wife's head back down for her to continue)

"God, haven't they ever learn from Curb Your Enthusiasm about getting blowjobs in a car?" Sean asked.

Drew Decker: Daddy, no! No!

(Drew's father hits her with the car, then we see Drew's mother's head popping up from out of his lap)

Drew's Mom: Did you hear something.

Drew's Dad: Bo, I didn't hear anything.

(A clip from Curb Your Enthusiasm is shown)

Larry David: I told you those blowjobs were dangerous!

Sean: (Narrating) Ghostface kills Drew and we're introduced to one of the main characters of the movie, Cindy Campbell played by Anna Faris, and this was her first acting job after she graduated from the University of Washington, and she beat out hundreds of actresses who auditioned for the role of Cindy, and she was perfect. Also, the character is a parody of Sidney Prescott from Scream and Julie James from I Know What You Did Last Summer and her last name is taken from Neve Campbell. Anyway, Cindy is busy working on her homework on her computer as she hears a sound coming from her window, only to be visited by her boyfriend Bobby Prinze, played by Jon Abrahams.

Cindy Campbell (Played by Anna Faris): Bobby, what are you doing? My dad's in the other room.

Bobby Prinze (Played by Jon Abrahams): It just occurred to me. I never climbed through your window before.

"And yes, his last name is taken from Freddie Prinze Jr. and he's a parody of Skeet Ulrich's character from Scream and Freddie Prinze Jr.'s character from I Know What You Did Last Summer." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Before they could do some talking, they hear Cindy's father at the door and Bobby hides underneath the bed so he won't be seen as Cindy's father, played by the late Rick Ducommun, checks on Cindy after he heard some screaming coming from her room. And we all know the scene, he's gotta leave town for a couple of days.

Cindy's Dad (Played by Rick Ducommun): No big deal. Just that new business I started with those Colombian guys.

Cindy Campbell: Oh, you mean Uncle Escobar.

Cindy's Dad: Yeah. Yeah, that's right. Well, there's a problem. Some money went missing. And apparently, some legs are gonna get broken. It's just better if I lay low for a couple of days.

Cindy Campbell: Okay.

Cindy's Dad: Now, if the cops raid the place- -

Cindy Campbell: I never heard of you.

Cindy's Dad: And don't forget- -

Cindy Campbell: To flush your stash.

"And make sure you get rid of my other stash of cocaine that left hidden with my porn collection. The police will probably take that as evidence, including my porn." Sean said, imitating Cindy's dad.

Sean: (Narrating) After Cindy's dad leaves, Bobby comes out of hiding and he tells her that he was watching The Exorcist on TV and telling her that it was the edited for TV version and that all of the goof stuff was cut out. Well, we all know where this leads.

(Bobby and Cindy start making out on top of Cindy's bed while the song "I Don't Want to Wait" by Paula Cole plays in the background as James Van Der Beek climbs up the window)

James Van Der Beek: What the… (Looks around and realizes he's on the wrong set) Wrong set.

"Okay, I love that little Dawson's Creek reference. That part made me laugh when I saw that movie." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Cindy and Bobby continue to make out for a bit until Bobby is stopped by an electric fence guarding Cindy's panties, cutting their romantic time short, but not before Cindy gives him a little peek before he leaves.

Cindy Campbell: Hey, would you settle for PG-13?

Bobby Prinze: What's that?

(Cindy smiles at Bobby as she unbuttons her pajamas, we cut to a close-up shot of a man's hairy chest)

Bobby Prinze: (Disgusted) Oh, jeez!

(Bobby falls out of the window and crashes onto something)

"Hey, that was my reaction when I saw that three of the Scary Movie sequels got a PG-13 rating." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) The next day, we're introduced to the rest of our characters: Cindy's best friend Brenda Meeks, played by Regina Hall, and her stoner brother Shorty, played by Marlon Wayans, who's the best damn part in the movie and the sequel.

Brenda Meeks (Played by Regina Hall): And make sure you take your behind to class today.

Shorty Meeks: I do be going to class.

Brenda Meeks: Lunch is not a class, Shorty.

Shorty Meeks: It is when you got the munchies. (Laughs)

Brenda Meeks: See, that's why you such a dumb-ass.

Shorty Meeks: Your mother. (Laughs)

Brenda Meeks: You my brother. That's your mother too, jackass.

Shorty Meeks: Oh, yeah. Well, then, your father's stupid. (Cackles)

Brenda Meeks: So? I don't know him.

Shorty Meeks: Yeah, me neither.

"God, he's like the stoner version of Stimpy and Pinky. How could you not love him?" Sean asked.

Sean: (Narrating) We're also introduced to the popular teen Buffy Gilmore, played by Shannon Elizabeth, and she's another one of Cindy's friends.

Brenda Meeks: I don't know why you hang out with her. She is such a ho.

Cindy Campbell: Why do you say that?

Brenda Meeks: 'Cause I've seen her. My friend Sean had a pool party this summer.

Cindy Campbell: Sean?

Brenda Meeks: You know, Puff Daddy? Anyway, everybody was drinking Cristal champagne. And then it started to get wild, and people were getting freaky in the pool and stuff. I look over and there was your girl getting buck wild in the jacuzzi.

Cindy Campbell: So?

Brenda Meeks: With a backup dancer.

"See? I told you! I told you that those P. Diddy parties were wild. I bet P. Diddy had tons of baby oil at that pool party!" Sean exclaimed.

Brenda Meeks: (To Buffy) Hey, baby girl!

(Buffy blows kisses at Brenda and Cindy)

Buffy Gilmore (Played by Shannon Elizabeth): What is up, my sister?

Cindy Campbell: (Waves to Buffy's father) Bye, Mr. Gilmore.

Brenda Meeks: (Waves) Bye!

Buffy Gilmore: Is he gone?

Cindy Campbell: Yep.

(Buffy changes into a different outfit, which is a skimpy blue outfit with floral patterns on it and taking some hair clips from out of her hair and fixing it as Cindy gives her a compact mirror and Brenda gives her some lipstick)

"Ah, I see we're going for the skimpy outfit that makes you look like a slut. I bet Julia from Total Drama Island would approve of this outfit." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Hell, we can see what a bitch she can be towards people.

Homeless Man (Played by Lloyd Berry): Spare a dollar?

Buffy Gilmore: Ugh! Get away from me, you bum!

Cindy Campbell: Buffy! Can't you see he's just hungry? (Pulls out a sandwich and gives it to the homeless man) Here you go, sir. A nice sandwich. See?

Homeless Man: I said a dollar, bitch!

(The homeless man throws the sandwich at the back of Cindy's head)

Cindy Campbell: Ow!

"This sandwich has mayonnaise! I HATE MAYONNAISE!" Sean yelled out, imitating the homeless man.

Sean: (Narrating) They spot the media circus going on as the news teams cover the story on Drew's murder as hack reporter Gail Hailstorm, played by Cheri Oteri, is on the scene and deals with dumb people who try to interrupt her while she's doing a report.

Gail Hailstorm (Played by Cheri Oteri): A mall college town is in shock after the unthinkable has happened: a brutal killing spree that left one teen dead- - That's it.

(Gail pulls out a gun and shoots the annoying teen that was trying to interrupt her in front of the teenagers as they begin to run away)

Gail Hailstorm: Two teens dead and this small town shaken and stirred.

"Yeah, don't you wish that any reporter would just shoot some annoying asshole that tries to annoy them while they're doing a news report?" Sean asked.

KOMQ Reporter (Played by Chris Robson): Police are combing the area for clues. There are no witnesses available at this time.

Female Reporter (Played by Susan Shears): There are no suspects in custody. Police are asking anyone to come forward.

Black Reporter (Played by Peter Bryant): Reporting live for Black TV. White folks are dead and we're getting the fuck out of here! Grab your shit and let's go, motherfucker!

(The van for Black TV drives off)

"I would just like to clarify that we tend to act like cowards in a horror movie." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Also, we come to one of my favorite moments of the movie where we see Shorty getting interviewed by reporters about Drew and we get one of my favorite lines from the movie.

Gail Hailstorm: What would have been your last words to Drew?

Shorty Meeks: Run, bitch! Run!

"That line never gets old." Sean said with a smile on his face. "Plus, I would also like to clarify that us black people tend to act like fools on the news."

Sean: (Narrating) We're also introduced to two more characters, Brenda's boyfriend Ray Wilkins played by Shawn Wayans, and Buffy's boyfriend Greg Philippe, played by Lochlyn Munro. Okay, so we got our characters out of the way as they talk about Drew's murder and another thing that Cindy mentions.

Cindy Campbell: Do you guys think it's strange that she got killed exactly one year after we, you know, killed that guy?

Greg Philippe (Played by Lochlyn Munro): Hey, Cindy, that was an accident.

Cindy Campbell: Was it, Greg?

(We then cut to a flashback, where we see Cindy in the car with Bobby, Brenda, Ray and Buffy. Bobby is driving the car while Ray and Brenda are making out in the back with Greg and Buffy and things are getting pretty hot and heavy in the back)

Bobby Prinze: Would you look at what they're doing? When are we gonna do stuff like that, huh?

Cindy Campbell: One day.

"Yeah, we get a little parody of I Know What You Did Last Summer, another one of my favorite horror films.

Buffy Gilmore: (While making out with Greg) You like that, baby?

Greg Philippe: Yeah. Yeah, that's different.

Buffy Gilmore: You like that?

Greg Philippe: Oh, I love that. Oh, I love when you play with my ass.

Buffy Gilmore: I'm not playing with your ass.

(Greg then realizes it is Ray that's doing that while he's making out with Brenda)

Greg Philippe: Ray!

Ray Wilkins (Played by Shawn Wayans): Oh, my bad.

(Ray removes his hand from out of Greg's behind)

Greg Philippe: Come on, man!

"Dude, wait till we're alone, not right in front of our girlfriends." Sean said, imitating Greg.

Sean: (Narrating) Bobby puts on some music and Greg acts like a drunken fool while Bobby decides to get a little vehicular fellatio from Cindy, until this happens.

(Greg gets hit in the head by a tree branch while he's standing through the sunroof. He then drops his bottle of liquor on Cindy's head and she ends up in Bobby's lap)

Bobby Prinze: Oh, yeah, that's what I'm talkin' about.

(Greg continues to get hit by a bunch of branches and ends up with a bee's nest on his head)

Sean: (V/O as Greg) Oh, God! NOT THE BEES! NOT THE BEES! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

(Suddenly, they accidentally hit a pedestrian)

Bobby Prinze: Oh, shit!

(Bobby hits the brakes, causing the car to swerve and stop)

(Cut to the same clip from Curb Your Enthusiasm)

Larry David: I told you those blowjobs were dangerous!

Sean: (Narrating) They realize they hit a man and they go to check it out and they come across the body of the man that they accidentally killed and again, I love how this movie parodies I Know What You Did Last Summer. If you watched this movie and you didn't get what they're making fun of, then you should be slapped in the face.

Cindy Campbell: We have to call the police.

Ray Wilkins: No way. I ain't going to jail.

Cindy Campbell: We have to!

Greg Philippe: Hey, Cindy, do you know what they do to young boys in prison? And all those sex-starved convicts just waiting for a fresh piece of meat.

Ray Wilkins: Hey, you're right, Cindy. Maybe we should call the police.

(Suddenly, the guy who was supposed to be dead, gets up)

Greg Philippe: Oh, yeah. That's a great idea, Ray. But what about Brenda, huh? You think she wants to go to jail?

Bobby Prinze: This is manslaughter, okay? We're all gonna fry for this. We're looking at 10 to 15 years.

Greg Philippe: Shut up, Bobby!

Road Victim (Played by Craig Bruhnanski): It's okay. I'm fine. I'm fine. (Grabs his boot)

Greg Philippe: Look, we'll get rid of the body.

Road Victim: Unnecessary.

Bobby Prinze: We'll dump him in the ocean.

Brenda Meeks: Not the ocean, the pier.

Road Victim: Guess I'll be leaving now.

"No need to call an ambulance. I'm fine. I'm not dead. I feel happy. I'm feeling fine!" Sean exclaimed, imitating the road victim.

Sean: (Narrating) Greg knocks out the road victim with his bottle of vodka and they get ready to put the trunk of the car and they get ready to dump him in the pier, until Shorty shows up high as a fucking kite.

Brenda Meeks: Shorty, I know you ain't driving without no papers.

Shorty Meeks: I got paper, blunts, bongs, all the ingredients to make a high (beep) pie. (Laughs)

Ray Wilkins: Hey, yo, can I help you?

Shorty Meeks: Yo, what's up, Ray? Yo, son, you all need jumper cables?

Ray Wilkins: Nah, we're cool.

Shorty Meeks: Oh, good, 'cause I left my roach clip at home.

(Shorty uses his jumper cables to smoke his joint)

"Like I said, still the best character of the movie." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) After knocking out the guy some more with the trunk of the car, they drive down to the pier as they strip the guy of his clothes and rob him before dumping his body into the water and just like I Know What You Did Last Summer, they make a pact.

Greg Philippe: Right now we make a pact. We take this to our grave. Agreed?

Buffy Gilmore: Agreed.

Ray Wilkins: Agreed.

Greg Philippe: Agreed?

Brenda and Bobby: (Both) Agreed.

Greg Philippe: Say it, Cindy. Say it! (Starts choking Cindy) We take this to our grave. Say it!

(Cindy stats gagging while Greg chokes her)

Greg Philippe: We take this to our grave. Say it.

"Yeah, I would like to believe that was the start of Hal Cooper's journey as the Black Hood." Sean said.

Bobby Prinze: You have to move on, Cindy. That's all behind us now.

Greg Philippe: Exactly. It's a coincidence.

Buffy Gilmore: Greg's right, Cindy. I mean, what do you think we're in a horror movie?

(They all start to laugh)

Cindy Campbell: Yeah, you guys are right. I mean, if we were, they'd probably cast some dingbat like Jennifer Love Huge Tits to play me.

Greg Phillipe: Yeah, yeah, or they'd cast people in their late twenties, early thirties to play us.

(They all continue to laugh)

"This movie is aware of casting people in their late twenties and early thirties to play teenagers in horror films in the 90s. They are clearly aware of that." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Gail tries to interview the sheriff, played by Kurt Fuller, but he turns her down. So instead, she goes to interview the intellectually disabled Special Officer Doofy, played by Dave Sheridan, and she tries to flirt with him.

Gail Hailstorm: You know, you look awfully young to be a police officer.

Doofy (Played by Dave Sheridan) I'm 25 and a half years old.

Gail Hailstorm: Ooh!

Doofy: Yeah, that's this many. (Holds up both of his hands)

Gail Hailstorm: Ah, so big.

Doofy: Yeah. That's big.

Gail Hailstorm: Well, you don't look a day over 12. Except for the big head and glazed-over look in your eyes. (Notices Doofy drooling) Ooh, was that drool?

Doofy: Yeah. I forgot to swallow.

Gail Hailstorm: Don't worry, 'cause I never forget.

"Ewww!" Sean exclaimed, making a disgusted look on his face.

Sean: (Narrating) And you know it's a Keenen Ivory Wayans movie when he puts one of the cast members from In Living Color in it.

Teacher (Played by Kelly Coffield Park): A terrible tragedy and an unbearable loss. It's days like today that we need prayer in school. It starts to unravel the very moral fabric of our society.

(The camera zooms out, revealing that the teacher is breastfeeding her baby and she walks over to the male student, who happens to be the father of her baby)

Teacher: (To the baby) Here you go, baby. Go to your daddy. (Chuckles and turns her attention to another male student) I'll see you after class.

"And yes, that was Kelly Coffield Park, who was one of the cast members of In Living Color. Boy, I blame my mom for getting me into that show when I was kid." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Cindy sees Ghostface standing outside by a tree while he's holding a hook, then sees a note that reads "I Know What You Did Last Halloween" regarding the guy that they killed. Meanwhile, the sheriff and Principal Squiggy, played by the late David L. Lander, who is parodying Henry Winkler's character from Scream. Also, I love the little Lavern & Shirley reference and he has a Shotz Beer sign in his office.

Principal Squiggy (Played by David L. Lander): Why, hello, Cindy.

Cindy Campbell: Hi, Principal Squiggman. Thanks, Doofy.

Doofy: It's Special Officer Doofy today, Cind.

Principal Squiggy: Now, Cindy, Sheriff has some questions that he would like to ask you today.

The Sheriff (Played by Kurt Fuller): What is that… that god-awful smell?

Principal Squiggy: I don't know.

Doofy: I got a poopy.

The Sheriff: Did you just say that you, uh, you went poopie?

Doofy: Yeah. It was good.

"And we're resorting to crapping your pants jokes. Very classy, movie." Sean said.

The Sheriff: Cindy, I want to ask you some questions about Drew Decker.

Cindy Campbell: I didn't really know her.

The Sheriff: Oh, come on. Sure you do.

Cindy Campbell: No. I mean, I didn't really know her.

The Sheriff: I've been in this game a long time. Don't bullshit a bullshitter, alright. Tell me about Drew. What was she like in bed, Cindy? Ah! Tried to get you. (Laughs) It's an old police trick. It's an old police trick. You didn't fall for it. Good for you, kid.

"No, but seriously. What was she like in bed? Did she have a nice ass? Some juicy tits like Bree from the Friday the 13th remake? And was she shaved down there?" Sean asked, imitating the Sheriff.

Sean: (Narrating) Greg returns to his locker after working out in the gym and beating up on a punching bag, until he sees that someone has left a photo at his locker. (A picture of Greg and his small penis is shown with the words "I know!" written on it. Also, Greg's small penis is censored by a can of Vienna sausages) And yeah, they had to throw in "Small Penis" jokes in it.

(A clip from Tru TV's World's Dumbest is shown)

Leif Garrett: Small penis alert!

Greg Philippe: Who did this? Huh? Where are you? This isn't funny, all right? A small dick's like a disability, man! Huh? Would you make fun of a guy in a wheelchair? Huh? Would you?

"No, but I would laugh my ass off at a kid in a wheelchair falling off a cliff." Sean said as a clip of the movie Mac and Me is shown, where we see the character Eric rolling down a hill in his wheelchair and falls into a lake. "God, I'm such a sick bastard."

Sean: (Narrating) Greg shows his friends the photo with the little message and they laugh at the size of the package and Cindy tells him that she's got the note too and somebody knows and they're out to get them.

Greg Philippe: Look, someone is trying to fuck with us, guys.

Cindy Campbell: We have to call the police, Greg.

(Greg grabs Cindy by her throat)

Greg Philippe: You call the police, and I'll kill you myself.

(Greg punches Cindy in the stomach repeatedly and throws her down to the ground and kicks her in the stomach)

Bobby Prinze: You're hurting her, man.

Greg Philippe: And you know what? That goes for all of you guys. That psycho wants a piece of me, bring it on. But I'm not going to jail. You got that.

(Greg finishes Cindy off with a body slam)

Sean: (V/O as Jim Ross) GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY! GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY! THAT KILLED HER! AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, SHE IS BROKEN IN HALF!

Shorty Meeks: What's everybody talkin' about?

Bobby Prinze: Just forget it, Shorty. You already know too much.

"Nah, he'll probably just forget after smoking that third blunt." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to a beauty pageant where Buffy is competing in while Greg, Cindy and Bobby watches from the balcony. Also, I love that some of the contestants are named Miss Congeniality, Miss Thing, Miss Knocked Up and Miss Hag while Buffy is named Miss Fellatio.

Greg Philippe: That's my girl! That's my girlfriend!

Guy #1: Yeah, that's my girlfriend too!

Greg Philippe: Hey, kiss my ass!

Guy #2: Yeah, I'm hitting that too! All right, Buffy!

Greg Philippe: Hey, shut the hell up, man!

Guy #3: Oh yeah, man! The best pussy I ever had!

Greg Philippe: What? You want a piece of me?

"These guys aren't the only one's getting a piece of Buffy. You had Jim from American Pie, a killer snowman from Jack Frost, Robert Wuhl from Arli$$, James Bond. Hell, even me. Of course, Taylor was there and she watched before she joined us, but that was one hell of a threesome." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Cindy and Bobby leave Greg alone on the balcony while Buffy performs the talent portion, which is to perform a dramatic reading, until she sees Ghostface appearing right behind him.

Buffy Gilmore: Look out, Greg! Look out behind you! It's him! It's the killer!

Greg Philippe: Huh?

(Greg turns around and sees Ghostface as he tries to kill him while he's defending himself)

Buffy Gilmore: Oh, my God! Somebody do something! Somebody do something! He's killing him! He's killing him!

Judge With Glasses: (To the female judge) Must be an original piece.

(Buffy sees Greg getting stabbed repeatedly by Ghostface)

Buffy Gilmore: He's killing him! (Sobbing)

"Hey, she's much better than that blonde chick who's married to Freddie Prinze Jr." Sean said, imitating a judge.

Sean: (Narrating) Ghostface kills Greg while Buffy screams for help and the audience cheers for her and she ends up winning the competition and not caring for Greg dying. What a bitch. Later, while Bobby looks for Greg, Cindy is at home taking a nice, hot bubble bath until she ends up getting a phone call from the killer.

Man's Voice: (On the phone) Hello, Cindy.

Cindy Campbell: Who is this?

Bobby Prinze: (On the phone) It's me, Bobby. You know, your boyfriend.

Cindy Campbell: Yeah, I'm sorry. I guess I'm a little jumpy lately. Hey, any sign of Greg?

Bobby Prinze: No. Do you want me to come by?

Cindy Campbell: (While shaving her upper lip) No. I'm just gonna take a bath, and then I'm gonna go to bed.

Bobby Prinze: Okay. I'd really like to see you, but- - I love you.

Cindy Campbell: Aw. I love you too, baby.

(Cindy ends the call and shaves her tongue. She puts the razor away and relaxes in the tub and ends up farting in the tub)

"A very classy lady. Am I right, fellas?" Sean asked.

Sean: (Narrating) Cindy gets another phone call, this time, it's from the killer as she gets ready to lock the door until the phone rings again, getting one of my favorite gags from the movie.

(Cindy turns around as the phone rings. The camera zooms in on the phone ringing, then we cut to Cindy screaming as the camera zooms in real close on her face, hitting her directly on the head)

Cindy Campbell: Ow! Ow!

Sean: (V/O as Cameraman) Sorry, Ms. Faris.

(Cindy pushes the camera away and walks over to the phone to answer it)

Cindy Campbell: Hello.

The Killer: (On the phone) I'm gonna kill you. (Laughs) I'm gonna slice you up.

Cindy Campbell: Who is this?

The Killer: I'm gonna chop you up like liver.

Cindy Campbell: What do you want?

(We cut to Ghostface, who's already in the house)

The Killer: I'm in the house. (Snickering) Do you know where I am? (Snickering) I could be anywhere. I'm like the wind, baby. Yeah. Where am I?

(Cindy sees Ghostface's feet sticking out from behind the couch while he's snickering)

Cindy Campbell: Um, you're- you're behind the couch.

(Ghostface stops snickering)

The Killer: What? How do you know that?

Cindy Campbell: I can, um, see your feet.

(Ghostface pops up and looks at his feet)

The Killer: Ah!

"The difference between this movie's version of Ghostface and Scream's version of Ghostface is that this Ghostface is a bit of a dumbass." Sean said.

(Clips from the Scream movies are shown featuring a montage of Ghostface, followed by a montage of clip featuring The Killer from Scary Movie)

Sean: (Narrating) I mean, how can you take an iconic horror movie character from one of the greatest horror-comedies of all time and turn him into a complete doofball? Yes, I know that in the movies, he tends to be clumsy at times. But in this one, he's both a doofball and extremely clumsy, as you can see here.

(Ghostface tries to hide underneath a rug)

The Killer: Yeah. (Gets out from underneath the rug) No. No. No.

(Cindy turns around and sees him)

The Killer: Hey, hey, hey, no peeking. No peeking. Turn around.

(Cindy turns away)

The Killer: Good.

(Ghostface hides behind a curtain)

The Killer: Okay, now you look.

(Cindy turns around and sees the killer's hook sticking out)

The Killer: Now do you know where I am? You don't.

Cindy Campbell: No, Mr. Killer. I don't know where you are.

The Killer: I'll give you a big clue.

(Ghostface pops out from out of the curtain. Cindy turns around and screams. She starts to run, Ghostface runs, but then he trips over a potted plant and gets up)

The Killer: Oh! I gotta stop drinking.

(Cindy runs up the stairs and throws a vase at Ghostface, followed by a bike, then her grandmother)

Cindy Campbell: Grandma!

(Cindy throws her grandmother down the stairs)

Grandma (Played by Babe Dolan): Oh, my hip!

(Cindy then pushes a piano down the stairs. Ghostface sees this and runs back down the stairs as the piano comes after him. He moves out of the way as Cindy's grandma sees the piano and screams before getting hit by the piano)

Sean then breaks down in laughter from watching the scene.

"Okay, seeing an old lady getting hit by a piano is hilarious. Mostly because it reminds me of the time Ghostface tried to kill me." Sean said.

(Cutaway Gag Starts)

(We see the caption "Two Years Ago" on the screen as we see Sean getting chased by Ghostface throughout the house. As Sean runs up the stairs, he throws a framed picture of him and Taylor at the killer. Then, he throws his cat Riley at him along with a vase. Then, Sean comes across a certain comic book reviewer by the name of Linkara)

Sean: Linkara!

Linkara: Hey, Sean. I was wondering if you would like to review the comic book adaptation of Batman: Mask of the Phantasm…

Sean: Not now, Linkara!

(Sean throws Linkara down the stairs)

Linkara: Ow! Jesus!

(Sean then pushes a piano down the stairs as Ghostface runs back down the stairs and moves out of the way)

Linkara: Oh, come on!

(The piano ends up running over Linkara)

Sean: Sorry.

(Sean runs to his office)

Linkara: My leg!

(Cutaway Gag Ends)

Sean: (Narrating) Cindy calls the cops from her computer and the killer leaves as Bobby shows up and consoles her until a cellphone falls out of his pocket along with a knife and some gloves, making Cindy think that he's the killer.

Bobby Prinze: I can explain that.

Cindy Campbell: Oh, my God.

Bobby Prinze: A friend gave 'em to me.

"The knife and gloves aren't mine. They belong to O.J. Simpson. I was keeping them for him." Sean said, imitating Bobby.

Sean: (Narrating) Cindy runs into Doofus, who was standing in front of the door while holding a Ghostface mask and Bobby is arrested and the Sheriff shows Cindy a couple of photos of himself wearing a speedo, yikes. And Buffy arrives to pick up Cindy and her brother Doofy.

Buffy Gilmore: Mom said to get home now.

Doofy: Tell Mom I'm on official police business.

Buffy Gilmore: (To Cindy) Cindy, are you okay?

Doofy: Hey, hey, hey. No talking to the witness.

Buffy Gilmore: Go get in the car, Doofy. She's coming with us.

Doofy: Does Mom know?

Buffy Gilmore: Yeah, Doofus.

Doofy: Mom says when I wear this badge, you're supposed to treat me like a man of the law.

Buffy Gilmore: Yeah, well Mom also said for you to stop sticking your dick in the vacuum cleaner.

(The other deputies start cheering)

"Yeah, that's not a way to pleasure yourself. I mean, who in their right mind would use a vacuum cleaner to masturbate with?" Sean asked.

Sean: (Narrating) Gail tries to interview Cindy and tells her that her ass looks fat until Cindy punches her in the face and we cut to Ghostface calling Shorty and we get one of my favorite scenes of all time. Bonus points to people if you know what commercial they're parodying.

(Shorty's roommate enters the room)

Shorty's Roommate (Played by Chris Wilding): (Sticking out his tongue) WAZZZZUPPP!

Shorty Meeks: WAZZZZUPPP!

(Ghostface looks at the phone)

The Killer: What the- - Who's that?

Shorty Meeks: Yo, pick up the phone.

(Shorty's roommate picks up the phone)

Shorty's Roommate: WAZZZZUPPP!

The Killer: WAZZZZUPPP!

Shorty Meeks: Yo, Dookie, pick up the phone!

(Dookie answers the phone)

Dookie (Played by Trevor Roberts): Yo.

(We then see Ghostface's mask with a smile)

The Killer: WAZZZZUPPP!

Shorty, The Killer, Shorty's Roommate and Dookie: WAZZZZUPPP!

"If you know what commercial they're making fun of, then kudos to you. For those of you who did not, then shame on you. How could you not know that this scene was a parody of that classic Budweiser commercial? Check it out on YouTube, it's pretty hilarious." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Cindy is staying at Buffy's house and ponders if Bobby did it, until the killer calls to toy with her by telling her that the cops got the wrong guy. The next day, Ray tells Cindy that Bobby was released from jail and we get a little meta moment that they're making fun of.

Shorty Meeks: Yo, son. It's like I seen this all before.

Cindy Campbell: They had a killer at your old high school, Shorty?

Shorty Meeks: No, it was in this movie Scream. Same dialogue and everything. This is ill.

Cindy Campbell: How did it end?

Shorty Meeks: I don't know. Some niggas started shooting up in the movie theater, so we just broke out.

"Well, I can tell you how it ended. Billy Loomis and Stu Macher are the killers. You ain't missin' much." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Cindy bumps into Bobby and he tries to talk to her, but their conversation doesn't go too well.

Cindy Campbell: I'm sorry. Please understand.

Bobby Prinze: Understand what? That my girlfriend would rather call me a killer than touch me?

Cindy Campbell: That's not true, Bobby.

Bobby Prinze: Then what is it?

Cindy Campbell: What is it? She's gone and she's not coming back.

Bobby Prinze: It's been over a year, Cindy.

Cindy Campbell: But Ginger was such an important part of the Spice Girls.

Bobby Prinze: Oh, you gotta move on, baby.

Cindy Campbell: Oh! (Raises her hands) I'm sorry if my complicated life is an inconvenience to your perfect existence.

Bobby Prinze: Cindy. Cind.

(Cindy runs goofily out of the cafeteria)

(A clip from Airplane is shown)

Ted Striker (Played by Robert Hays): (Breaks the fourth wall) What a pisser.

Sean: (Narrating) Later, Buffy starts acting like a real bitch towards Cindy by teasing her about the killer calling her and thinks that this is a joke, but the killer is real. So, Cindy goes to talk to her bodybuilding gym teacher, who for some odd reason has a thing for girls and tries to seduce Cindy during her time of need.

Miss Mann (Played by Jayne Trcka): What can I do for you, Cindy?

Cindy Campbell: I need to talk. See, I have this problem and I don't know who to tell.

Miss Mann: Not feeling so fresh?

Cindy Campbell: Huh?

Miss Mann: Feminine odor and itching got you down?

"I think you need Massengill. The only douche with Effectol." Sean said.

Cindy Campbell: I have a terrible secret.

Miss Mann: Well, Cindy, we all have our little secrets.

(Miss Mann uncrosses her legs, revealing her sagging testicles, which are censored by a pair of blue balls. Cindy's eyes widened in shock)

"Oh, sweet Moses!" Sean exclaimed. "We definitely didn't need to see that!"

Sean: (Narrating) Buffy is left all alone in the locker room as she ends up having a run in with the killer and thinking that it's a prank that Cindy is pulling on her, this stupid bitch acts like this is a game.

(Ghostface grabs Buffy's arm)

Buffy Gilmore: Oh, so this is where I'm supposed to beg for my life?

(Ghostface nods his head)

Buffy Gilmore: Please, Mr. Killer, don't kill me.

(Ghostface stabs Buffy)

Buffy Gilmore: So is this where I'm supposed to bleed? (Shows the blood on her hands) Oh, look, I'm bleeding! Eek! Eek! Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to run, right?

(Ghostface shrugs his shoulders)

"Hey, I'm with you too, buddy. This bitch is stupid." Sean said.

(Buffy starts running around)

Buffy Gilmore: I'm running! I'm running! Help! Help! Now I'm gonna fall and break my leg, leaving me helpless

(Buffy breaks her own leg and screams while Ghostface gets disgusted)

"Oooh! Christ!" Sean yelled out.

Sean: (Narrating) The killer finally puts Buffy out of her misery by beheading her with a meat cleaver, only for her to be more annoying by complaining. Man, don't you feel bad for Ghostface in this one? He's trying to kill another teen, and yet this bitch is annoying the hell out of him

Ray Wilkins: Now we know Bobby's not the killer. So who is?

Cindy Campbell: I don't know

Brenda Meeks: Well, if the killer was in your house last night, why didn't he just kill you then?

Cindy Campbell: Because he's just messing with us. Don't you see? He's got us right where he wants us. We can't go to the police. He's just out there watching us and waiting for us. (Turns around and yells) What are you waiting for, huh? What are you waiting for?! What are you waiting for?!

Suicidal Teacher (Played by Peter Hanlon): (To himself) What am I waiting for? (Shouting) What am I waiting for?!

Cindy Campbell: What are you waiting for?!

Suicidal Teacher: (Yells) FUCK YOU!

(The teacher jumps off the roof and hits the ground right next to Cindy and her friends while the crowd gasps)

Woman: Oh, my God.

"Uh… Cindy. You just made that guy jump to his death. Nice job there, idiot." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Gail and her cameraman Kenny head down to the makeout spot to catch a murder on camera, which they do as the killer kills one of the teens right in front of them.

Gail Hailstorm: Oh, my God! The murder is happening as we speak. I'm going to try to break into the bloodshed. Are you getting this? (To Heather) Excuse me. Heather, can you tell us what you're feeling, honey?

Heather (Played by Andrea Nemeth): (While being stabbed by the killer) Lots of pain! Gail, please help me. Gail, please!

Gail Hailstorm: I'd like to help you out, kid, but it's sweeps. Sir, sir, can I get a word with you?

The Killer: (Turns his attention to Gail) You got a of nerve coming here. I'm just trying to do my job. (To Kenny) Get the camera off me now!

Gail Hailstorm: No, Kenny, keep rolling!

The Killer: You're dead, bitch. I'm gonna slice your head off and shove it up his ass. Get that camera off me!

(Gail and Kenny make a run for it)

Gail Hailstorm: Oh, my god, Kenny! Kenny, move your fat ass! Kenny! Oh, my God, he's right behind you!

Cameraman Kenny (Played by Dan Joffre) This man is chasin' Miss Gail.

(Kenny falls over and the screen cuts to black. We then cut to Gail, who gives a snot-filled apology, a la parody of The Blair Witch Project)

Gail Hailstorm: I'm so scared right now. I just wanted to say… to the family of my cameraman, Kenny, I am so sorry.

"Uh, Gail. You… you got a little… you got tons of snot coming out of your nose." Sean pointed out.

(During the apology, snot starts spraying out of Gail's nostril like a geyser)

Gail Hailstorm: It's all my fault.

"Now, it's spraying out. Eww. Puffs is not going to do the trick." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) We then cut to Ray and Brenda as they decided to skip Cindy's party and go to the movies to see Shakespeare in Love, all while Brenda is setting a bad example for us black people by talking during the movie. Yeah, they had to throw in that black stereotype that we like to talk during the movie.

(The caption "For Everybody's Enjoyment PLEASE OBSERVE SILENCE" appears on the movie screen)

Brenda Meeks: Mm-hmm. For all y'all talkers up in here, it's time to keep it down right now.

Old Lady in Theater (Played by Doreen Ramus): Shh.

Brenda Meeks: Shh, back at you. Shh!

"Okay, let me just point out: yes, it's true. Black people do talk during the movie. I know, I've experienced this twice and it was during Halloween 2018 and Avengers: Endgame. And as a black person, I don't even talk during the movie. I would just like to watch the movie without anybody being loud and obnoxious. Is that too much to ask?"

Sean: (Narrating) And here's a joke that won't slide if that movie was made today.

(A trailer for "Amistad II" plays)

Movie Announcer: The largest ship the world had ever known. It's 400 passengers and crew on a maiden voyage to a brave new world. A journey that would change their lives forever.

Slave (Played by Keenen Ivory Wayans): Whoo! I'm the king of the world! Whoo-hoo!

(The whipmaster sees this and whips the slave. The slave yells and we cut to the ship and the title of the film)

Movie Announcer: Amistad II.

Whipmaster (Played by Mark Hoeppner): Get your ass back down there, boy!

"I bet ya Spielberg saw Scary Movie and they saw this parody of his movie, he laughed his ass off." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Ray heads to the restroom and I just love the fact that the restroom has a condom vending machine that says "Can't Feel Shit", and also a piss racing contest. That had me cracking up. Ray heads into an empty stall and a giggling patron next to him, all complete with a glory hole.

(Ray puts his head up against the stall wall and we see a person's penis sticking out of the glory hole and rubs against Ray's ear, making him laugh. BTW: the man's penis is censored by a Ball Park frank)

Ray Wilkins: (Peeks through the glory hole) Hey, who was that? Go ahead. Do it again. Do it again.

(Ray puts his head close against the glory hole and ends up getting stabbed through the ear by the censored penis, which is a plump Ball Park frank)

"See, this is why you should stay away from bathroom stalls." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Brenda watches the movie and becomes obnoxious as hell and pissing off the moviegoers as she continues to set a bad example for us black people.

Brenda Meeks: Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm! Don't go in there!

(We cut to Shakespeare in Love, as we see that William Shakespeare is discovered by Viola de Lesseps' nurse after he climbs up the balcony. Both Shakespeare and the nurse scream and Brenda gets startled by this)

Brenda Meeks: (Laughing) Lord, I'm gonna have a heart attack! Man, this is some scary shit! Oh, I am scared! (Continues to laugh)

Older Man in Theater (Played by Ted Cole): Excuse me.

Brenda Meeks: I think I paid my money like everybody else up in here.

Viola de Lesseps: (In the movie) …out of her favour- -

Brenda Meeks: That ain't no man. You can see her real hair right there!

Woman in Theater (Played by Jessica Van der Veen): Do you mind?!

Brenda Meeks: I know you better get outta my face! Outta my face! Outta my face! This is all me up in here. You handle that.

"See? This is one thing that ticks me off about going to the movies. Obnoxiously loud people." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) The killer sits down next to Brenda while he's dressed as Ray and she continues to piss everybody off.

Brenda Meeks: (Answers her cellphone) Hello. Hey, girl. Uh-uh. I'm in the movie. Uh-huh, Shakespeare in Love. Uh-uh. Ooh! You lying.

"You know something, you and Fowlmouth from Tiny Toon Adventures would make a great couple. You two belong together." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) The killer gets ready to kill Brenda, but one of the movie patrons ends up grabbing his knife and stabs her, leading to the other movie patrons to stab her to death for spoiling movies.

(A woman and her best friend stab Brenda while she's going down the aisle)

Woman: This is for Thelma!

Woman's Best Friend: And Louise!

(A police deputy beats Brenda with a nightstick)

Deputy: This is for talking through The Fugitive!

(A rabbi stabs Brenda with a knife)

Rabbi: You ruined Schindler's List!

(The Dalai Lama slashes her with a sword)

The Dalai Lama: All Jackie Chan movies!

(Mother Teresa hits Brenda with a stick)

Mother Teresa: Boogie Nights!

(The Pope hits her with the papal ferula)

The Pope: And Big Momma's House!

"Hey, let's not forget the Stormtrooper who managed to shoot her after she spoiled The Empire Strikes Back." Sean said.

(Brenda makes her way up to the front of the movie screen while the audience jeers at her. She let's out one final cry, a la Jada Pinkett Smith, then falls down dead and the audience cheers at her death. Satisfied, the audience and the killer continues to watch the movie)

"You hear that? That's silence." Sean said.

Audience Member: Shh.

"Oops. Sorry." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) We cut to Cindy's house as we see a rowdy party going on as one of the teenagers head down to the garage to grab some more beer. And after getting jumpscared by a cat and a horse, the door closes and she realizes that she's not alone.

Garage Victim (Played by Marisa Jaret Winokur): (Sees the killer) Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Please, don't! Please! I'm just a day player!

(The girl throws a beer bottle at Ghostface and tries to make a run for the door. Ghostface tries to slash her with the knife. The killer continues to chase the girl around the garage until the girl tries to go through the doggy door through the garage door, but is having some trouble due to her weight)

"Ha! Joke's on you movie! Marisa Jaret Winokur has lost some weight over the years." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) The killer manages to kill the girl with the garage door and bringing the garage door down as well as the garage. Meanwhile, Cindy is getting drunk at the party and bumps into Bobby and the two of them head upstairs into her room to have sex.

Cindy Campbell: Bobby. I am ready.

Bobby Prinze: You are?

Cindy Campbell: Yeah. I can't keep fighting these urges. I have to just give in to them and let them flow.

Bobby Prinze: Right.

Cindy Campbell: Bobby?

Bobby Prinze: Huh?

Cindy Campbell: I have been so selfish.

Bobby Prinze: This is like a scene from a movie or something.

Cindy Campbell: Only it isn't a movie, Bobby. This is real life.

Bobby Prinze: It's all a movie, baby.

"Besides, this is a parody of Scream that we're doing." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) While that's going on, Shorty and his buddies are busy getting high, until the killer shows up to kill them, but instead, he ends up getting high with them. And I love that he has that smile on his face after he gets high. That made me laugh. Afterwards, we cut to a pretty hilarious sex scene between Cindy and Bobby. I'm not gonna show the whole scene, but if you saw this movie and this scene, let me just tell you that it ends with a big climax, no pun intended. Afterwards, we cut to Shorty and his friends rapping and it is the killer's turn to rap.

The Killer: (Rapping) I'm gonna slash and gash, cut another hole in your ass. I spill blood on the walls, then play tennis with your balls. If the phone rings , don't answer the call. Gonna slit your throat, fuck you like a goat. Peel your foreskin off and make a winter coat. Peace!

(The camera pulls back to reveal all of Shorty's friends dead)

Shorty Meeks: Yo! That was the illest rhyme I ever seen, son!

"Hey, Ghostface kills at rapping." Sean said as the audience boos at his bad joke. "Ooh, that was bad."

Sean: (Narrating) Cindy and Bobby get dressed as Cindy asks him where he was at tonight and what took him so long to get to her house and when he mentions that Buffy and Greg are dead, the killer pops up and stabs him and he goes after Cindy while being a complete klutz. Cindy heads downstairs to grab a gun, then Bobby heads downstairs while he's wounded and then we get the funniest reveal ever.

Shorty Meeks: (After leaving the basement) Yo, wait for me! There's a killer in the house! There's ass, blood and guts everywhere! Someone done gone crazy, son!

Bobby Prinze: (Chuckling) We all go a little crazy sometimes. (Points the gun at Shorty)

Cindy Campbell: Bobby, no!

(Bobby pushes Cindy out of the way and shoots Shorty)

Shorty Meeks: Oh, shit, son!

Sean: (Narrating) So yeah, it turns out that Bobby is the killer, and Ray is also the killer as well. Just like Scream, there are two killers.

Cindy Campbell: Why are you doing this, Bobby?

Bobby Prinze: Why? Why? You hear that, Ray? I think she wants a motive. Did Scream have a plot?

Ray Wilkins: No.

Bobby Prinze: (Chuckling) Did I Know What You Did Last Summer make any sense? Don't think so! What about the sequel, huh? What the hell's with that fat, white Jamaican kid?

Ray Wilkins: Oh, I wanna kill that motherfucker.

Cindy Campbell: It was bad casting, Bobby.

"Oh, come on. That was one of Jack Black's earlier roles. I know it's not perfect, but he'll be in better movies." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) Bobby tells Cindy that him and Ray are gay, but Ray denies it. Anyway, they're copying a serial killer that already exists, they bring in Cindy's father and they're gonna kill her and her father, making both Ray and Bobby survivors of a maniac's revenge, which involves the two of them stabbing each other.

(Ray stabs Bobby multiple times)

Cindy Campbell: You guys are psychos! You've seen one too many TV shows!

Ray Wilkins: No! Watching television shows doesn't create psycho killers! Cancelin' TV shows does! (Continues to stab Bobby) The Wayans Bros. was a good show, man! It was a good-ass show, and we didn't even get a final episode!

Bobby Prinze: Take it easy! I'm feelin' a little woozy here!

"Hey, I sympathize with Ray here. That's how I felt when they cancelled American Housewife and Pretty Little Liars: Original Sin." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) The killer arrives and kills Ray and he goes after Cindy and we get a little fight scene parodying The Matrix, leading to some pretty hilarious gags. I get a great laugh from seeing Cindy doing an Irish Jig while she's in the air. Cindy kicks the killer out a window, but the killer vanishes just as the police arrive.

The Sheriff: Okay. Let's go over this again.

(The sheriff takes out his handcuffs, his badge, his gun, his whip, his ball and gag and butt plug and sit them all on top of the table)

The Sheriff: You say it was an accident.

Cindy Campbell: Yes. He was on the road.

The Sheriff: And you think he came back to get revenge?

Cindy Campbell: It has to be him, Sheriff.

(Doofy bumps into the door and enters the office)

Doofy: Here, Sheriff. They wanted me to give this to you.

The Sheriff: That'll be all, Doofy.

Doofy: Okay.

"And you got jelly all over the folder. Damn it, Doofy! I told you before to stop eating jelly donuts!" Sean exclaimed, imitating the sheriff.

Sean: (Narrating) The sheriff tells Cindy that the man they didn't kill was David Keegan and he was buried, then they make a shocking discovery when they realize who the killer is. And they realize that the killer is actually Doofy, who's been faking disability and removes his disguise. Also, I love the little parody to the plot twist to The Usual Suspects. He drives off with Gail Hailstorm and he throws his backpack out and Cindy and the sheriff find it laying on the ground.

(The sheriff finds the knife and Ghostface mask in Doofy's backpack as Cindy gasps in shock)

Cindy Campbell: (Shouts) NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(All of a sudden, Cindy ends up getting hit by a car)

"And that was Scary Movie, it…" Sean said.

Shorty Meeks: (Cackling) Shit, son. Yo, what's the deal? Yo, if y'all watchin' this tape right now, that means I didn't make it. Either I'm a prisoner, or worse, dead. But either way it goes, I'm gonna tell you all the rules to survive this situation. Rule number one: You gotta be quick. Rule number two: Don't fall down. And rule number three: Whatever you do, never look back. Y'all wish me luck. Snatch and run, y'all!

(Shorty and his friends start robbing the convenience store by grabbing a bunch of stuff)

Store Clerk (Played by Ted Gill): (Pulls out a gun and starts shooting) Come back here, you motherfuckers! Son of a bitch!

"And that was Scary Movie, and I had a lot of fun reviewing this movie and watching it." Sean said.

Sean: (Narrating) It has some funny gags and parodies as well. There's some gross-out humor and sex jokes as well. It's a comedy with an edge and the cast and crew had a ball with this one. This one and the second one never fail to make me laugh because they have that comedic edge. If you love horror films like Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer, then you'll get a great laugh at this one. Scary Movie comes in at 4 knives and hooks out of 5.

"Happy Halloween Havoc to you all. I'm Sean the Mayhem Critic and I'll see you guys next time." Sean said.

Mayhem Critic Tagline- Yeah, well Mom also said for you to stop sticking your dick in the vacuum cleaner.

And that is all for Halloween Havoc VII for this year. So which movie did you like that I reviewed for this year? I hope you all enjoyed it. Next time on The Mayhem Critic, Sean the Mayhem Critic reviews the 1990 mobster flick Goodfellas, is it still regarded as one of Martin Scorsese's best films? After the review of Goodfellas, it's Commercials XIII: The Book of Commercials. I hope you all are excited for that one. Any commercials that you would love to see for Commercials XIII? Feel free to PM me if you would like to come up with some commercials for me and UltimateWarriorFan4Ever to talk about. Don't forget to review this story, add it to your favorites and follow it for future updates. I'll see you guys next time. Till next time, my fellow readers.