Starting Notes:
Welcome back! This chapter is pretty interesting, because it's very much not a duel chapter, and it's not particularly long for the standards of this fic either… but it does explain certain things properly that haven't really been mentioned so far. Have fun!
Important note: The start of the end notes is going to list out some trigger warnings for the chapter as a whole, but they also spoil the nature of the whole chapter immediately. I won't dictate what you should do in these circumstances, but I'll say that if you're worried about being triggered… this is possibly the most horrifying chapter so far in 6ARC, and it's not close. Just be aware of that.
Chapter 97: What I Never Saw
She was—
She was floating.
She was floating, and the world was swirling.
Ah.
Who am I?
She slipped through the world, reaching out a hand for one of the swirls—
It consumed her.
She was watching a building fall to the ground. It was one of those moments when she didn't feel present in her own body—some kind of empty horror detaching her from herself.
The building hit the ground. Rubble tumbled down everywhere. People were screaming and running, but she… just stood there.
She raised her head to look at the thrashing monster in the distance.
Most people would call it horrifying. And it—he was. He really was. But she didn't feel that way because of what she was looking at—she felt that way because of who he was to her.
This is because of you.
She clenched her fists—so tightly that she thought she might draw blood.
All of this is because of you. Because you stepped out of line. Because you did something wrong.
"Shut up," she said tensely. "Get out."
Why deny the truth?
She strode forward.
Ignoring me?
"You're not real," she said, gritting her teeth. "None of this is real."
Have you gone delusional?
"Shut up," she repeated. She raised her fingers to her wrist, nails digging in—a sharp spike of pain that pierced through her dull senses. "Let me out."
She walked to the edge—the voice in her head went quiet briefly.
Do you want to die?
"No," she said. "I just want to stop dreaming of this." She couldn't turn away from the monster fully—it was tearing through the streets now, but oh, that wasn't real, none of this was real, who was this, who was she, why did she feel so many things when this wasn't real—
She flung herself off the building, and only briefly registered the burning of her skin as she fell through the air, before—
The girl woke up with a sharp jolt—she always did. She sat up slowly, glancing around her—it was still dark, and her entire room was barely visible at all. Her blankets and pillows were on the ground—clearly she'd kicked them all off in the middle of that stupid nightmare—
How many times was she going to dream of that?
The girl leaned down from the bed to pick up one of her stuffed toys. Her fingers were a second from touching the stuffed rabbit when shadows curled around her wrist—she jerked backwards, shaking her arm wildly through the air. The shadows swam around her hand, before diving back under the bed.
She covered her ears, curling into a ball on the bed. The entire room looked like a threat now—shadows pooling in every crack and corner, sneaking out in snake-like tendrils, edging around the bedframe. She heard whispers, but none of them were words she knew. Just noise.
She had to turn on the light. She had to get to the switch. But she couldn't touch the floor, she couldn't—
A sibilant whisper entered her ears. How pathetic to be scared of something that's not real.
She did not whimper, but she did flinch—a part of her wanted to run, but another part of her mind was still clear about the fact that none of this was real—that running wouldn't solve anything. It wasn't real. It wasn't real at all.
Help.
She didn't know how long she was there. It felt like years. However, when the sun finally began to rise over the horizon, her alarm clock rang. The shadows fled back to their corners. The ceiling stopped bleeding.
The voice stopped talking.
She let out a shaky breath, reaching over and pressing the button on the top of the alarm clock to stop it.
The door opened. Her mother peeked her head in, smiling cheerfully. "Naori!" She said cheerfully. "Ready for school?"
Naori Kamisoka lowered her other hand from her head. She forced a smile on her face—putting up the face of a perfectly normal six-year-old girl again.
The dream was still fresh in her head.
She nodded towards her mother, picking up a hair tie from nearby. Her mother let out a gasp.
"Oh no, Naori!" She rushed over, touching the side of Naori's head. "You're bleeding! Did you hit your head when you were getting up?"
"Don't know," Naori said. She hid her hands behind her so that her mother wouldn't see the blood under her fingernails.
"Oh dear…" Her mother gently rubbed her fingers against the side of Naori's head. Naori leaned forward into her arms—she was scared. She was so scared. But she didn't dare to say anything. What if she told her mother and her mother thought that she was crazy? She didn't want to be bad… "Be more careful, okay, Naori?"
"Okay." Naori didn't look up. "Mum, can you pick up Floof for me?"
Her mother laughed. She reached down, scooping up the stuffed rabbit and pushing it into Naori's arms. Naori hugged the blue stuffed rabbit close to her chest, breathing out slowly as she nested her nose in Floof's fur.
She was safe. She was safe. She would be good.
… she was scared.
In those dreams, she felt… older.
Who was she in that dream?
… she just wanted to go to school already.
"Aunt Jiyu told dad that you haven't been sleeping well."
Naori kicked her legs up on the tree branch, sighing.
"Seriously, Naori." Kaito folded his arms. A year older than her, he'd taken their parents' instructions for him to take care of her very seriously—in fact, too seriously. Their parents were friends, so they'd known each other for a while. Since they were kids, pretty much. "Take a nap."
"Don't wanna." Naori yawned. "I don't want to sleep."
"You're always up so late…" Kaito glanced at her. "And up so high! Get down from there!"
"Nah!" Naori stood up on the branch, holding out her arms like wings. "Tada! I'm a bird!"
"You'll still fall!" Kaito put his hands on his hips.
"As if!" Just to make fun of him, Naori climbed up higher in the tree, sticking out her tongue. "You're just mad that you can't climb like me!"
"I—no! I'm not!"
"Kaito's clumsy! Kaito's clumsy!" Naori sang from the top of the tree. "Don't worry! I'm—"
The spiral rejected her. She fell back into the strange, light void.
The sentence completed itself in her mouth. "—never gonna fall," she murmured. She glanced at the fading spiral—she then reached out towards it, but it moved away from her. She kicked her legs through the air, as though she could float towards it.
"Naori," she tested the name. "I was…"
And then, she was pulled into another spiral.
And struck with the horror of a child who did not understand what she was seeing, who was broken by the dreams that she saw daily.
"Get out of my head—"
The scissors flashed.
"Get out of my head!"
She slammed it down over and over again. She could hear something screaming, but she didn't know if it was real, or if it was just in her head. Shadows wrapped around her wrists, but she didn't stop slamming it down—her hands hurt, and clouds were forming around them, fog was forming around her hands, blood was dripping from the shadows to the ground, help, help, help—
"Naori! Naori!"
The world shifted. One of the ghosts in the room was screaming. Naori blinked briefly. On the ground, where the monster had been, white fluff was spilling around from blue fur—
Oh.
Oh.
"Floof," she whispered, touching what had once been a plushie. Her blood stained the fur.
If the world was kind to her, she would be able to fall unconscious here.
But she couldn't.
She cradled the bloody fluff to her chest, bursting into tears.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, why did I do that—
(The doctors called it schizophrenia.)
She always saw too many things.
And—
Where was…
Why was she here?
When she was finally stable enough to handle going outside by herself again, her parents decided to get her an emotional support animal with the advice of the psychiatrist. So the three of them headed to the nearby pet shop. Nue had been expecting a cat or a rabbit, so she was dismayed when her dad had said that the psychiatrist had suggested a dog—apparently they were more affectionate or whatever. Anyway, while they were looking around, Nue took a moment to sneak off to the playground right next to the pet shop.
… there was a boy there, hanging off the monkey bars. Nue looked at him, his spiky black and purple hair—and then, the boy turned around—
That face.
For a moment, Nue stood there, stunned.
That face…
The boy tilted his head.
Nue shook her head too, calming down. She sat down on the nearby swing. "My parents are getting a dog," she said, for lack of anything better to say. "I don't like dogs."
"I like birds," the boy said, and Nue decided that they were both socially awkward enough to get along.
"Barely passable. They do sing well. Rabbits and cats, those are the only good animals. But I guess as long as you're not one for dogs, we'll get along." She smiled at him—a quirk of the lips. "What's your name?"
"Yuto."
"Yuto, huh? I'm Nue." It still felt strange to introduce herself with that new name. "Let's be friends."
"... okay."
They played in the playground for a while—Yuto opened up more and more, and Nue became more and more convinced that she liked this kid. Sneaking out of the orphanage because he didn't want to share the monkey bars with anyone was totally reasonable. Still, it was a shame when her dad called her back in.
"See you next time, Yuto." She waved to him, before she went back in to join her dad—
And in the room in front of her mum was a fluffy dog.
Nue stared at it. The dog bounded towards her, sniffing at her feet.
"Cute, isn't it?" Her mum said with a bright smile.
Nue did her best to protect her dignity. "It's acceptable," she said huffily. The way that the dog affectionately rubbed itself against her leg ruined it though. "Alright. Floof can come home with us."
"... Floof?" Her father said.
Nue kept a straight face. (Images of that poor stuffed bunny flashed through her head.)
She wanted to replace those images with something else.
"Floof," she said decisively. And then— "Mum, dad. Can I have a brother?"
A dog. A brother.
Asking for both things in the same breath…
She was just scared of being lonely.
Her parents still weren't comfortable with her attending school with her condition, and she understood that much—she was just waiting until high school. Still, she didn't have much else to do.
That was what led her to Heartland Central Park.
There was a piano in the park that was pretty much public property—it was in a sheltered pavilion, where most parents waited for their children to finish playing in the park. There were picnic mats and baskets, the sunlight shining down on them.
And there were birds on the piano.
Nue sighed to herself again, tugging on the collar of her shirt—just a white shirt and dark pants today, the plainest attire that she had, to not draw attention. She did not know why the birds came whenever she played the piano. It was kind of awkward. To busy her mind again, she began to play a different song again, her fingers dancing over the keys.
Music was always calmer than anything else.
She sang along to the tune. She always drew gazes when she was here—it was the typical passersby looking for the source of the music, before going on with their day. Still, there was something different today—a boy with green hair sitting on a nearby bench, watching her play with a small smirk on his face. It was a sharp sort of attention—the kind that Nue wasn't really used to. She finished off the song, before she finally turned to make eye contact with him. His eyes were a peculiar kind of red.
He didn't seem embarrassed to be caught watching her. Instead, his smirk widened and he stood up, walking over to her. He leaned on the piano with a careless confidence in his posture.
"Just admiring the piano," he said.
She shrugged. "I don't mind."
"And the pianist." A quick wink. "You're pretty. I don't think I've seen you around in school before. Are we the same age?"
"I don't know how old you are," Nue said, arching an eyebrow.
"Sixteen. You?"
"... fifteen."
"Hah. So you're still in middle school." Nue didn't correct him. He turned his head towards the sky briefly, still smiling. "Well, there's just a single year between us—not a big deal. I have time to impress you."
… how bold. Nue didn't really mind it.
"So…" He held out a hand towards her. "Tatsuya Izumi. And you, blackbird?"
"... Nue Kamisoka," she said. She reached out, taking his hand. On impulse, she pressed it on top of the piano case. "I'm not impressed by much."
"I'm sure that I'll find something," Tatsuya said. "Do you duel?"
She slowly tilted her head upwards, looking at him.
"... hah. There we go." He smirked at her. "Currently seventh-ranked in Diamond Branch—as a first-year, and I've only been going up from there."
… well, that was impressive, but when Kaito Tenjo, first-year Ace of Clubs, was one's best friend, everything else kind of paled in comparison.
"So, Kamisoka-san, want to duel?"
Nue glanced at him.
Well… that wasn't a bad idea.
This might end well—
As if anything could ever end well for you.
She ignored the thought. (The voices still startled her, but she did her best not to react to them in a way that others might see.)
"I want to get in my practice first," Nue said. "If you don't mind waiting…"
She did want to meet more people and make more friends. So she should take the initiative. Besides, he… wasn't bad-looking, really. It was… kind of flattering, to be noticed for the music that she was playing too.
Tatsuya winked. "Can I watch from a bit closer then?"
"... feel free."
He sat there, listening to her play the piano with a relaxed smile. He even scooped up one of the birds in his hands, teasing it by blowing wind against its wings, before messing with the feathers on the top of its head and shooing it away. Against her will, Nue found herself smiling fondly.
When she was done, she stood up.
"We can duel now," she said.
"And coffee after?" He said. "My treat."
"... if you win," she said, and she smiled even more brightly.
She loved that person once. Maybe that hurt more than anything.
She… had loved that person once.
And then—
She slipped into another memory, before she had the chance to react.
They started dating about two months after they met. Tatsuya was persistent with his affections, constantly dropping by to shower her with gifts and affection, and well… Nue couldn't say that she minded.
Still, when she found out that he was the mayor's son, she was a bit surprised. And then, when he told her…
"My father's not… well, he doesn't pay a lot of attention to both Sachi and I. As long as we're not trouble, he doesn't care what we do."
And well…
Nue had been rather protective of him after hearing that. And after meeting his cousin, too—the girl taken in by the mayor after her parents were gone—she was even more sure that Mr. Heartland was an absolute scumbag. So she threw herself into everything, into talking to Sachi and helping her come out of her shell. She dragged Tatsuya out to places that she knew his dad wouldn't approve of—and well, her parents didn't approve of it either, but Nue insisted on it anyway. It was a rebellious phase, but…
After all, she'd been happy when Tatsuya shot her a smile and said: "You're the only one on my side." And if she didn't go with him, then he'd just be alone, with no one to encourage him—she couldn't stand that. She had to help him.
And so she pushed herself and pushed herself—they met up very often, and sometimes, he even skipped school to come and see her. He'd never asked her why she didn't go to school, which she did appreciate.
However, it was inevitable that one day…
One day, he'd come across her when she wasn't 'all there'.
When she managed to pull herself out of that suffocating feeling of voices screaming in her ears, he was there, staring at her with a confused look on his face, holding up a hand to her face. Nue's entire body was still in fight or flight mode, so it took her a moment to respond. "Sorry… were you saying something…?"
"Did something happen?" He asked. He sat down next to her. "I came here and you were just slumped over on the piano, and your eyes were…"
Yeah. Nue could imagine just how out of her mind she had looked. She slowly shifted up. "... nothing."
"Is it nothing?" Tatsuya arched an eyebrow. He moved his hand, picking up hers—with one finger, he tapped her fingernails. Under the fingernails was, of course, red. Where had she… "Your ear, little blackbird. Doesn't look like nothing to me."
Nue ducked her head—she wasn't sure if it was because of shame or embarrassment, but either way, she felt slightly trapped.
"... well, if you don't want to trust me with that yet, that's fine," he said. "I'm here for you either way yeah? You know I just want to protect you, right? Love you."
"I… I trust you." She didn't want him to think that she didn't trust him—that would only make things worse between them, and she didn't want to lose him. "I…"
So, she told him everything, despite how terrified she was of saying it, because she was more terrified that he would be hurt if he thought that she didn't trust him. She told him about how sometimes, she just fell out of reality for a moment, lost in things that weren't real, about how she barely remembered anything when she was in that fugue, about how she always emerged horrified at herself and worse off and hurt. About how she was always afraid to hurt someone else when she didn't know it.
When she was done, he looked at her. There was something searching to his smile—
And then his smile grew even brighter. "That's fine with me," he said.
"Huh?"
"Fine with me," he repeated. "I don't think you understand, but…" He drew an arm around her, fingers curling around her side. "I was so bored before I met you, you know. I did all the things that I was supposed to do, but I didn't really have anything that I wanted. You're the first thing in my life that's actually made me happy—you think I'm giving you up for something like that? I knew you weren't normal the first time I met you—that's why I looked at you, don't you see?"
Teasingly, he pressed a finger to her chin.
"It's still just a part of you. If you're crazy, then I'll love you even when you're crazy anyway—how about that?"
She wanted to howl.
Why had she trusted him? Even now, dizzyingly thrust through all those memories, she knew how wrong all of it was.
Because—
"I don't know what's wrong with me," Nue finally said one day, sitting in her room. From nearby, Tatsuya, who was picking up the scattered cards on the ground, glanced over at her. "I thought I was getting better. I had it under control. Those episodes were so rare… I thought that I might be able to go through school again. I thought…"
She'd thought so much, but in the last few months, despite how happy she'd been, she'd been having far more episodes than before—and because she could never remember what triggered them, she was at a loss. According to Tatsuya, she sometimes freaked out for no reason at all, and… she really didn't know how he could tolerate it.
"You can't control it," Tatsuya said. "Told you already, I won't get mad. It's just you." He smirked at her. "Besides, I'll be right there when you go to Diamond Branch. If anything happens, I'll cover for you and help you—you know that. And I'm the number one, so everyone will listen to me—no one's going to go after my girl."
Briefly, Nue felt uneasy, though she didn't know why. Still, she folded her legs on the bed, glancing at the darkening bruises on her arms. According to Tatsuya, she'd been thrashing and had hit the cupboard nearby with her arms, and he'd been forced to hold her down to stop her from hurting herself more, which explained the scratches on his wrist, though he hadn't seemed mad at her.
"Come on." He grinned at her, putting her deck back on the bed once he'd gathered it up. "You can stick to my side if you're so scared, darling."
Nue rolled her eyes. She snatched up the dark jacket from her closet—she'd bought it recently, now that she'd been accidentally hurting herself more. It at least helped to hide things. "Don't get self-centred. I can handle myself."
Tatsuya smirked at her. It made her feel slightly less guilty.
"Sure, sure. Like I said, I'm the one you can trust, aren't I? I'll help you hide it from everyone else." His eyes traced her bruises. He smiled—that quick, charming, knowing smile of his. "Say you trust me, little blackbird."
"... I do trust you," Nue said. And she was still frightened—not clear about why she kept on feeling so afraid now—
But there was no reason to be afraid of him. It was just one of those illogical impulses again, right?
Don't make me look at this. Please, please don't make me look at this.
I don't want to know, I don't want to remember, I don't want to think about it, I'm over it!
… I'm not over it, am I.
Her entire body hurt. She had her phone in her hands, and she was frantically dialing a number as she raced down the corridor. There was something cold and slimy, writhing in her head, and—she wanted to fall to her knees, but she couldn't, she just had to keep on running.
You should have known. You're the idiot here. You're the one that didn't know, you're the one that—
"You're freaking out, Nue. Calm down. Nothing like that happened. You're just seeing things, you're just hearing things again, calm down, you know I'd never hurt you—"
Shut up. I finally see you.
The phone buzzed, and then the person on the other side picked up. "Nue? I saw the match—congrats—"
"Kaito," she said, and her desperation must have bled through in her voice, because Kaito stopped talking. "Kaito, help—"
She heard the sounds of movement through the phone—Kaito springing to his feet. "Where are you?"
"I'm in the area behind the stadium, by the prep rooms—"
"I'll be right down there. Get towards the entrance."
Nue could still hear footsteps behind her. She ran and ran, and when she finally saw Kaito, she barged straight into him, shivering. She heard him inhale sharply as he took in the sight of her—her hair ripped out of its tidy braid, the bruises—she'd been too terrified to put on the jacket again before running. She could still hear footsteps, but she didn't know if they were real, or if her mind was just conjuring them up now—an echo, a way to freak her out even more. She didn't know if she'd escaped, or…
… no. If she was just seeing things, her mind would never be kind enough to let her escape.
"Hey. Hey, you're safe." Kaito sounded alarmed. He didn't try to hug her or anything, which was good—Nue might have fallen apart, if he did. She wouldn't be able to stand it, someone touching her after what had just—
She couldn't move.
"What—"
"Not here," Nue said, because if someone saw her like this, she would break. "Just… please don't leave me alone right now—"
—or he'll come back.
"I won't," Kaito said, not even asking why, and his faith in her made Nue want to cry, for once. How had she let him convince her that he was the only one she could trust, when she'd had friends, people that were right here?
"I want to go home," she muttered instead, and her brain screamed that there was someone looking at her, even when it couldn't be true.
"Okay," Kaito said. "Let's go."
It took her a lot of attempts to get through the story. Kaito's expression grew stonier and stonier as it went on, and at a certain point, he looked like he might storm out of the room. Nue dragged her blanket over her shoulders, turning away and staring at the wall. The blanket made her feel less exposed—the feeling of something tearing apart all her defences, of something like poison seeping through her.
She felt dirty.
And the worst part wasn't just knowing that it was happening, for once. The worst part was realising how familiar it was. It was in knowing how many times it had happened before. It was in knowing that her relapse hadn't been because there was anything wrong with her. It was in knowing that she had been taken advantage of, that in her most vulnerable moment, when she was the most detached from the world—as though she and her body were two separate things, her mind trapped outside—it was in that moment that he'd taken out whatever sick, sadistic violence in his heart on her—
The part of him that she'd been blind to this entire time.
"I know it's hard to believe, when my eyes—when I see things that aren't real—"
"Nue," Kaito said, his voice slow, as though he was holding back his rage. "You're covered in bruises. Your arms, your legs—you didn't do that to yourself. There's just no way. Don't doubt yourself—don't let him make you believe that what you saw wasn't real. And more than that, I believe you."
And—
It meant more than anything, to be believed, when other people would likely look at her and question why she hadn't said it earlier, if it had been happening all along, question her for evidence right now when she could barely think straight…
When he was still the son of the most important man in the city.
"I guess I'm staying over tonight," Kaito finally said. "I'll take the air mattress?"
"Huh?"
"I know you." Kaito raised his head. "... you don't want to tell anyone, do you?"
"... no." Because she felt embarrassed, and horrible, and taken advantage of, and everything that her parents had ever told her about being rebellious was correct, and she'd ignored them because she'd felt so righteous, because she'd desperately wanted to protect him, and he…
"... for the record, I think you should," Kaito said. "You shouldn't try to cope with this by yourself."
"... it's just…" Nue pressed her head into her knees. "I need time. I'm sorry."
"... hey. I'm not going to say anything to anyone until you're fine with it," Kaito said. He glanced out of the window. "Either way, I know you. If you don't want to tell your parents, no one will know to keep him away from you right now. So I'll do it. He comes anywhere near you—I'll smash his face in."
Nue glanced at him.
"He hurt you," Kaito said. "He hurt you, when you trusted him—you trust so few people with your secrets, you haven't even told your brother yet, and he used them to hurt you." He clenched his fists. "You were doing so well, and then—I should have known. He should never have gotten near you. I'll never forgive him."
"... no," Nue agreed. "I won't forgive him either." And she hid her head in her bruising knees again, to hide the tears that were finally falling from her eyes. Her dog curled up to her, offering her some faint comfort…
It really, really wasn't enough.
She didn't want it.
She didn't want people to look at her, and worry about her, with all that concern…
Not when everyone had warned her to be careful, and she'd put her own heart in the hands of a man who couldn't do anything but break it.
"Wasn't Kaito's family coming over for dinner today?" Nue said, doing her best to act normal in front of her parents. It had been two days since… that, and she was still struggling to come to terms with it all. It was why she'd requested a short leave from school for mental health reasons.
"Unfortunately, Kaito's been held up at school," her father said, glancing at the newspaper. "Apparently, he charged in and got in a long fight with your boyfriend."
Nue flinched. "We—" She paused. Readjusted her tone so it didn't sound like she was screaming on the inside. "We're not dating anymore," she said, settling on the simple words.
"Really?" Her mother didn't hide her surprise and happiness—she'd never approved. "Oh, honey…"
"It's alright," Nue said. She forced a smile on her face. "I'll talk to Kaito about it."
She had to act normal. She had to…
"I love you."
The cup slipped from her hand. She stood there as it hit the ground. Luckily, it was a plastic cup, so it just spilled on the ground.
"... Nue?"
"I'll clean it up," Nue said. She grabbed a cloth, wiped the floor, and the moment that she could, she fled the room.
Why?
Why was she just stuck here—just stuck dreaming over and over again—
She'd fallen.
No.
That made it sound like it was her fault. Not 'She'd fallen'. 'He'd pushed her.' That was what had happened.
She wouldn't give him excuses in her own mind.
And…
"One more dream," a voice whispered in her head. "I'm almost done. I'm sorry, little chimera. This is the only way to put you back together."
And she was flung in before she had the chance to protest.
She was surrounded by monsters. She was sitting in the corner of a park, and there were monsters everywhere around her, and she couldn't even hear herself as she covered her ears—
"Hey! Hey!"
Naori slowly lifted her head. There was another child there. The child sat down next to her, searching her pockets before pulling out a piece of candy, smiling and handing it to her.
"Are you okay?"
"... mm." Naori wiped at her eyes. "How are you… here?"
"Huh? What does that mean?" The girl had a gentle look on her face—her eyes twinkled. "Just visiting. Saw you and… well, you looked like you were in trouble."
"... oh. Thanks." Naori chewed on the candy. It was sweet. "Where's your mum and dad?"
Was it her imagination, or did the girl frown? "Snuck away for a bit," she quipped. "So, what's your name?"
"... oh. Naori Kamisoka." It felt a bit surreal. "What's yours?"
"... mm! Guess it can't hurt to tell you. My name is—"
What was that? A memory? But, that kid, that kid, she recognised that kid… how had that girl been in Heartland when she was still a child, had Nue really been young enough to forget something like that?
Had that memory faded so much that she'd felt barely any recognition when she saw the girl again?
"Your name is," she repeated the girl's words, confusion and curiosity briefly saving her from her earlier desperation. "... I know your name now, but how did I forget it? How could I possibly forget… I met you once when I was a kid, and I forgot… how? How could you possibly have been in Heartland? How could I forget you?"
… that just made her life feel even more like a cosmic joke. To think that something like that could have happened…
"... are you done?" Nue found herself saying, to someone that she wasn't even sure was there.
There was no response, but the heaviness of her mind was settling. And then, she breathed, and breathed—
She woke up.
Or did she? Everything was still dark. Her throat hurt greatly—her fingers were sore, while her entire body felt like it was numb—how long had she been lying down for? She didn't have bed sores, so it couldn't have been that long. Maybe a few days?
She briefly shifted. She covered her eyes with her hand—it all ached.
"Nue!" She heard Shun call out—there was the shuffling of him moving, and then he was right next to her, reaching out a hand towards her shoulder and gently touching it. "You're… awake. How are you feeling? Are you—"
"Shun…" She didn't remove her hand. "Water."
"R-right." He pressed a cup of water into her free hand. Nue carefully brought it to her lips, carefully pressing it against her bottom lip and slowly drinking the water. She took a moment to breathe. "How are you feeling?"
"... Shun," Nue said, putting down the cup—managing his name, despite how parched her throat was. "You're right here, aren't you?"
She felt his hand press against her other hand—gentle, careful with her. "I am. What's wrong?"
What was wrong?
What was wrong was that everything was black. What was wrong was that she'd spent her entire life struggling with seeing things that weren't there, and now…
Now, she couldn't see anything at all.
'Kamisoka'. God, I see.
… what a sick joke.
"I'm blind, Shun," she said, entirely too calm for what she was saying. And when the words set in, she drew her hand from her useless, open eyes, pressed her head to his shoulder and fought the urge to scream.
End Notes:
Trigger warnings: Derealisation, schizophrenia + episodes, hallucinations, physical/emotional abuse, emotional manipulation, lovebombing, gaslighting, self-harm during a mental health episode. In general, the portrayal of a very abusive romantic relationship.
And that is also to say, I'll be changing 6ARC's rating to M when I post the next chapter, just because the themes are getting quite heavy and I've figured that it's better safe than sorry. As a result, 6ARC is no longer going to be findable in Arc-V's default search results on ffnet without changing the filter for the rating to include M-rated fics. If you want it to be easier to find the fic and you have an account, you can follow the fic so that you don't have to keep changing the filters. To clarify, 6ARC will never have explicit content—that's not my thing. The change in rating is not for explicit content. It's rated M because it investigates a lot of serious trauma that may hit close to home for a lot of people. I'll be editing the start of the first chapter when I change the rating too, so that people are aware of what exactly they're in for with regards to the fic. The reason why I haven't changed it yet is so that people have time to be aware of the change, instead of thinking that I just deleted the fic haha. But yeah :)
If you're wondering why this specifically is the chapter where I made that decision… well, it largely comes down to personal feelings. There is something very raw to this chapter. And there have been times in previous chapters when I've chosen to tone down certain scenes or full-on rewrite them because I thought that they were too much. But this was a chapter that I couldn't bring myself to tone down—I couldn't bear to let go of that rawness, the emotions that I poured into it.
The pun on 'Kamisoka' was only explained in the story a few chapters ago to slowly let you in on it and prepare you for this. 'God, I understand', or more colloquially, 'god, I see'. This scene has been written for a long time—and that painfully ironic last name is definitely part of it.
So, there were quite a few things that happened or were revealed in this chapter… but we'll talk about that next chapter :) I want to be clear on one thing though—this fic is not ever going to demonise mental illness. And no character in 6ARC is ever lesser for the things that they go through, or the things they cannot control. I feel the need to say that because Nue herself is still struggling to accept that in the story, and I often read a lot of stories that… well, do just throw in this kind of stuff to be edgy. I assure you that I'm not. After all, there's a good reason that I wrote so little Nue POV before this.
To TheRealD3lph0xL0v3r, thanks for the review.
To T.V. 2000, there were a lot of fun things in the last chapter, and I'm glad you enjoyed them :)
To the Guest with the long review :), feel free to use an alias! It makes it a bit easier for me to acknowledge you too :) And yes, I absolutely would never infantilise a neurodivergent character like that! Totally relate to the big decks thing though. As more and more searchers show up, it's actually not as impractical to run more cards now. Glad you enjoyed it!
To J, thanks for the review, but I don't talk about future cards much, if at all.
I know this was a fast chapter, but it was always going to be this short. We'll call it an interlude. Next one goes back to our regularly scheduled length :)
