CHAPTER 97

I do not own Skip Beat! Yoshiki Nakamura does.

~~Magical Summer Trip~~

Part 2

Favours or Pleasures?

When she came back, she was wearing a rolled-up sleeves shirt and washed jeans, and had pinned her hair up with a clip. Still barefoot, she softly returned to the living room, wondering if she had imagined the whole thing. But she found him in deep discussion with her three friends. Both Kyle and Tray had dreamy eyes as they looked at him.

She smiled and it made her yawn. She still needed more coffee, though.

She poured herself some more and Ren turned to her.

"I learned interesting things."He said, and she arched a brow.

"Oh?"

He grinned.

"That you didn't like clubs."

Her shoulders slacked in relief. It was only that.

"And that you were dragged to one."

She groaned, remembering.

"I was."

How did the discussion had even fallen on this topic?

"I asked what had been the plans last time when I talked to you, and that I heard they were trying to get you to go somewhere."He explained like he had read her interrogation in her mind.

"Ah."

That's right. They had mentioned that during that call.

"Technically, Kyoko can appreciate the hushed types. Especially if there is saxophone and not too much crowd. Even more so, because she can play it too."Elaborated Kayla, looking at her nails innocently. Would you please shut up, dear friend of mine, Kyoko thought with a dark eye to her.

Ren hummed in reflexion, glancing at her with way too much fun in the eye.

"I'd like to see that."He said, letting another beat pass as he added. "I never heard you play."

I should not have let him alone with them.

"She plays beautifully too."Added, Kyle.

They were conspiring against her.

"They are pretty convincing in their arguments." Ren said.

"Oh, I bet."

She turned away from his face.

"I know her favourite place is open tomorrow. They always let her play if she comes."

Kayla tone was full of wonders and filled with happy-go-lucky wickedness and all.

She was going to murder her friend.

"I work tomorrow."

"In the evening, of course."

She turned to give her two cents to her friend and found herself into Ren's gaze. Pleading puppy eyes, level 2. Filled to the cup with excitement and curiosity.

Her shoulders shrank in defeat.

"Fine."

She wanted to hit her face on the counter. She was so weak.

The common gasps of Kyle and Kayla because she had accepted so fast, was telling in itself. She would never live down the teasing.

He grinned happily at her, and she turned away.

"Oh damn."Kayla suddenly said in an exaggerate exclamation. "I hadn't seen the hour, we really must go if we want to be in time over there." She said, popping down from her seat, and thanking Kyoko for the food.

"Do you mind if Jake & Co come with us tomorrow?"She asked just before they reached the front door.

"No, go ahead and propose it to them." She mumbled in her coffee. She heard Ren snicker.

Now that she had been trapped into this, it didn't change a thing.

"It was a pleasure meeting you, Ren." Said Kyle with more batting lashes, as he left too with Tray in his trail. "See you tomorrow, Kyoko. And Ren." He winked at her as he left.

She was going to throttle them all.

She could feel Ren smile shining from her side even without looking at it.

"Don't say a word."

"I didn't."

She turned back to him. The counter was between them. He was sitting and she was standing as she rinsed her now empty cup of coffee.

"But, will you be okay to go tomorrow?"She inquired. "I guess you didn't come all the way here without having work, right?"

He smiled in silence at her and remained quiet for a long minute, just looking at her. His eyes patient but pondering.

"Can we talk?"He asked, then.

She put down the mug.

"Sure."

She guided him to the sofa in her living room, one step down in level and he returned to his perusing for an instant. She hoped he didn't find her home too messy. She kept it relatively tidy but she knew he was even more fussy about it than her. She sat on carpet lying on the ground by the low table out of habit – despite the perfectly be-respectable couch barely an inch away – , but it didn't seem to matter to Ren as he followed her lead and joined her, sitting close to her on the left. He leaned his back against the cushion of the sofa before returning his attention to her.

"I have a modelling job on the day after tomorrow but it will end on that day." He eventually said, and she thought he was here relatively early if his job was only in two days.

She could see he had seen the questions and surprise in her eyes as he replied.

"The job is something that happened as an afterthought. It was only decided earlier today, before I boarded."

O-kay. But then, why was he here? He wasn't the kind to take some vacancy just like that. She felt even more puzzled. It must have been something urgent.

He breathed in deeply.

"I'm planning to go see my parents. In a few days."

Ohhh. Now, that made more sense. He hadn't seen them in years, if her calculations were correct. Unless he had seen them while she was away.

"You didn't see them in-?"

He smiled ruefully.

"Since the day I left. For my mum."

That was at least nine years ago.

"I saw my dad twice. One, you were there-she nodded – , the other was two years ago." He told her. He looked apprehensive.

"I started talking again with them, though. On the phone. At least a few times a month."

So, they were communicating again. She felt so happy for him. It was a big improvement, and she knew it must have been hard for him to take that step.

"Why only in a few days, though?"

There was no reason for him to wait if he wanted to see them, and since he wasn't working, then-

He shook his head, with a bittersweet smile.

"I told you, it's only part of the reasons I'm here."

Ah. Right. Did he wanted to meet with someone else? How much free time did he actually have here? She was confused at his timing.

"Then, how long are you staying in the States?"

"Between eight and ten days, Yashiro must confirm with me for the last two days."

Wow. That was long. And after the ski trip. She observed him further and noticed how pronounced were the circles around his eyes. They even look a bit blue. He looked exhausted. And not just because of jet lag. It was more than that. How much did he actually work these last couple of weeks? Just looking at him gave her the impression it was an indecent amount of time.

Her frown deepened. She knew his trip must be important, but not to the price of his health.

"I wanted to see you." He said, then, and she returned her focus to his words.

"What do you mean?"

"That's my other reason. I wanted to see you." He repeated softly, looking at her. A deep expression marring his face. Captivating, yet warm and sad.

She did not reply, nor move. He couldn't be serious, could he? It took everything in her to stay as impassible as a stone, and maintain a semblance of composure. To say she was confused and grabbing at her sanity would have been an understatement.

Everything his attitude and words just portrayed would have made a girl think the man was her for her. And only her. Yet, she knew. It couldn't be that. Not in the way she wished for.

Then what?

Was it a clumsy way of saying he missed her? Her company. As a friend.

"You came to see me?"She checked, feeling a little numb.

He nodded. Was it her or did he seem a little tense? A little intense. As if there was some fright in his attitude. It didn't make sense. He had no reason to be afraid. She was happy to see him. No. What she felt went far beyond that, even though she didn't know if she wanted to hyperventilate or scream at him.

Think rationally, Kyoko.

She was seeing more to it because she desperately wanted it to be more. Her mind was tricking her. He had said so himself. It was only part of the reason. He had some work here and he wanted to see his parents. So why would he have not taken the occasion to see a friend, if said friend were around?

She was so stupid.

Breathe. Breathe.

"I – … I missed you too?"She said, tentatively. Gulping down to bring back saliva in her over-dried throat. It was painful, locked in a knot. She gripped on the tears she felt coming, keeping her mask up at last second.

He smiled at her but it looked a little sad. It disappeared like an illusion as she blinked, and she knew she had imagined it.

"Do you mind if I capture your time while I'm here?"He asked, trying for a joke, but despite the smile she brought up, she didn't feel like laughing.

"I mean, I have some work but when I'm not, then – … Sure."

He smiled again but this time it looked more real, and despite her pain she felt her body relax a little. As if her own emotions were depending on his. Damn it all.

"I have two other questions." He said then, and he looked a little apprehensive again. Now, what? He was driving her nuts. He rubbed his neck, and crossed his arms. He looked – … ashamed? Couldn't be. Embarrassed?

"I didn't think this through very well, so, hum," he started, "the hotels around are packed so I was wondering if you would mind if I stayed here or if you knew of a place that still had room – "

She gaped. 'Didn't think this through,' what did he mean by that? He usually planned everything in advance so then, how? But then, did it mean he had no room to sleep in for the night? If he hadn't booked one beforehand, he would never find a free room now. Not in summer, when tourist season was at its peak.

"You won't find a free room at this time of the year. It's at least as bad as L.A." She said and he grimaced.

"Of course, you can stay." She followed with. "Though, I'm sorry, it is a little out-centred to go to the city. So, I hope you won't mind that too much."

He smiled like a lamppost and shook his head.

"On the contrary, you know I enjoy nature as much as you."

Of course. Be more appealing to me. As if she wasn't already dying inside.

"But, are you sure you don't mind?"He asked. "I can find something a little more away if you would rather not."

She waved his concern away. It would take him way too long to find something. And even if he did, it would at least one hour or more from the city. Moreover, if she was fully honest, she wanted him to stay. She would rather be burned than being away from him right now.

"I don't mind, really." She insisted.

"I have two spare rooms, and truly, I'll be glad to spend some time with you too."

That was as close to the truth she could go.

He glowed with joy and thanked her.

"Thank you for letting me be a bother, then."

She grinned, she couldn't help herself. Just having him here, near her, after the last few weeks… She felt happy.

"You won't escape eating proper meals, however. That's the handicap of this solution.

He chuckled with a quirk in his lips.

But he returned to seriousness before she could catch a breather.

He tapped his wrist with his fingers, looking hesitant. Pondering.

"What?"

"I'm sorry."

She stared at him, searching his eyes for understanding.

"Why?" She asked at the end.

"Because I have something else to ask you."

"You are exigent today mister."

He lifted happy eyes at her but he was still tense.

"I know. And you are already letting me stay."

"Something else?" She prompted.

"A request. Or favour."He said.

That wasn't helping her. Silence pursued its course as he mulled over something. Until she broke it, not able to handle it any longer.

"Ren?"

He sighed, and took her fingers. He didn't say anything and she was confused but he rubbed her hand with his thumb and she didn't remove her fingers.

"Would you – … Could you come with me?"He asked. She was pretty sure he should never know that he could nearly make her go anywhere with him, so long as he asked. Especially with those pleading humble eyes, looking at her and begging her to accept.

"Where?"

"To see my parents. Would you accept to come with me?"

His question was spoken softly, yet his eyes told another language. They clamoured his message in such a compelling pull. She cursed at the ethereal of that emerald green, out for everyone to see today. Entrancing her in a demand, a plea. Forbidding her eyes and mind to divert, to function. Claiming her 'yes' as if he could requisition it by the mere pull of his eyes.

"… Okay."Her lips breathed out.

He brightened.

Then, she came back to earth.

"Wait. Wait-wait-wait. Wait. Wait a little minute."

Damn it. Those eyes were like brainwashing and drugs combined with chocolate and hypnosis.

"I can't come with you, Ren."

"Why?"

He asked like it was the most obvious thing; for her to come.

"You did not see your parents in years."

He did not seem to her understand her point, so she extrapolated.

"Your parents don't know me well. Your dad barely saw me twice. One was that time I took care of his meals in Japan, years ago. The other was still three years ago and we only briefly talked. And your mum never saw me."

She tried to explain it as delicately to him. To not make him think she thought his parents could reject her. But to be fair to them, it would be totally normal, and she didn't expect another reaction from them.

"When did you meet my dad the second time?" He asked before stopping himself. "Never mind that. Where are you going with this?"

How could she explain this to him?

"Ren, I am, for the most part, a stranger to them."

"My dad was pretty fond of you when you met if I remember well. And you apparently saw him once more." He commented.

She pulled at her hair with a sigh, and waved that away.

"That was years ago. For both times. It cannot count. I would be lucky if he still remember me."

He frowned, clearly displeased about her assessment of things, but she pursued before he could enter a fight. His dad was awesome, and the best actor she knew after Ren. But she was just a person his dad had met twice. It would be normal if he didn't remember her much. Let alone wanting her in his house.

"My point is, it most likely would make them uncomfortable if I come with you to go see them, don't you think? Plus, it would be at their home, your childhood house, am I right?"

He nodded at that last part.

"But I'm the one asking you to come, and bringing you, why would they be uncomfortable?"

He smiled at her, actually looking way-too-happy by the prospect of bringing her.

She rubbed her face, unable to not melt at his cute cluelessness.

She smiled at him.

"I'm happy you want me to come. But I can't go."

He just looked more puzzled.

She shook her head, and tried to convey in her expression what she could not say.

"You are going to reunite with them for the first time in years, if I understood well. It's important, right?"

He nodded and started.

"Yes, that's why – "

"It will be a family reunion," She said at last, frustrated, "that moment belongs to only the three of you."

She thought about it, imagined her tagging along, and could only represent herself bringing awkwardness to the meeting, and prevent them to be natural with each other. She didn't even think his parents knew she was in-the-know about him.

"Quite frankly," She added, "I think I would even be in the way. Your parents didn't see you in so long, they might not be happy if a stranger show up when they get to see their son for the first time in so long."

"You are not a stranger."He contested.

"At the very least, for your mum, I am."

He sighed, and she continued, soothing the top of his hand with her fingers as she saw some complicate emotions crossing his face.

"And even for you, won't you be more comfortable with them without me?"

He looked back up and at her, giving her some annoyed stern look.

"I will always be more comfortable if you are with me than otherwise."

He had said it with such an absolute… Like it would never change. As if it applied in every and any situation. She turned her eyes away. A bitter taste numbed her tongue. She knew of a couple of situations he would never say that. Why did he have to always say misleading things?

"What if I still asked you?"

She sighed.

"It is not a good idea. Seriously…"

Why could he not comprehend she didn't belong with them? That she should not be with them. She didn't want to ruin things, or make them unable to tell what needed to be said because she would have been there.

"I got what you meant. But it doesn't change a thing."

Her head shot back towards him.

He smiled ruefully, looking even more tired all of sudden.

"I didn't ask you on a whim. While I can't say I planned this thoroughfully, there is still a reason."

Now, what did he mean by that?

"I need your help." He admitted after a minute. "Or rather I'm asking for your help."

She opened her mouth but he continued.

"I didn't ask you to come just because I would greatly appreciate your company, and to spend more time with you." He started back with a soft smile at her.

She had several words on the tips of her tongue about the overly charming words he was using but he wasn't done so she let him pursue.

"As you pointed out, it has been long, very long, and – ," He stopped and sighed, looking like he couldn't find the right words for a while, " …-I guess what I'm asking is support. I don't really know how to face them anymore…"

She was so stupid.

She tightened her fingers on his hand, and he looked up from where he had tilted his head away.

"You said you were talking to them on the phone."

He nodded.

"But it's not the same."

It was her turn to tilt her head.

"Talking from far away and seeing them, going home… It is – "

He stared at her.

"I want to tell them, to finally explain, properly, what happened all those years ago." He told her firmly, "They didn't even get an explanation, at the time." He sighed, looking to be exasperated with himself. "But I just don't know how to act around them anymore. How to use the right words."

"That's why I'd like you to come with me." He added, turning his eyes back at her with a slightly defeated expression.

She rose on her knees and placed one hand on his shoulder. She had to verify.

"Reassure me, you don't think your parents are mad, do you?"

He sighed, bending his leg.

"I don't know. Maybe."

"It might have been years ago but I remember your dad last time I heard him talking about you. They love you, Corn. And I'm sure even through phone you should have been able to – "

He nodded with a tiny smile, looking sad and happy and worried.

"I know they do. But especially because they still do, I wanna do things right. Be right, in my words, in my actions. When I finally come back."

"Stupid. I don't think your parents would ever care. They would be overjoyed just to see you." She told him and hugged him. He dropped his head on her shoulder as he hugged her back. She only obtained a grunt in response, and she knew he was just not as convinced as her. And would remain doubtful until he saw them. She tended to see him as such a force of the nature, she sometimes forgot he could be scared like any human being would.

"Maybe," He said at last and pulled back to look at her, "but I still wanna do things right. And for that I need your strength."

She let out a breath, spooked at the idea and still convinced she would rather not, but resigned.

"Won't I make things even worse? More complicated?" She asked, then.

He shook his head. "On the contrary."

"I need you." He said smoothly. But the undertone was strongly imbibed in his words. It hit a chord inside of her, and she struggled to swallow. Forcing herself not to clench the jaws, not to let the tears fall. Not to shake. He shouldn't have said it like that. She wished for him to need her. To physically and emotionally need her. She closed her eyes. He had said it as if he knew it with absolute certainty. As if she was vital for him. Why? Why Ren? Didn't he realize? Didn't he see it could bring confusion? She wanted to curl in a ball and cry until oblivion. She wanted to cherish those words, pronounced by him, the intonation, the feeling, his face when he said them, carved in her memory.

She forced herself to ignore the hurt, and portrayed a stern face, returning for present. For how long would she be able to do this? It was becoming harder and harder.

She tried to argue with him, shook her head again, try to remember why it was so far away from a good thing.

"Please. Come with me."He demanded, cutting her attempts, silky trapping words she couldn't refuse, no matter her thoughts about the idea. No matter how pained she was with how he phrased things. She sighed.

His eyes pleaded with her in the most treacherous way, criminally and shamelessly using all of his tricks on her. The green in his eyes begging her to say yes, and she tried to shade away from his face. "With some luck, it might even be fun for you."He continued.

"For me?"He added when a minute passed, and she still didn't reply.

He was trying to kill her.

She groaned aloud and dropped her head on him. She lost focus of what she wanted to say as her nose caught his soothing scent. She tried to gather her thoughts, and swallowed.

"Don't come complain later on when your parents will be upset with my presence."

She was crushed against a hard chest in the next moment. She wanted to nuzzle against him, to hug him.

Instead, she coughed, as the last drop of air was expelled from her lungs, and he let her go.

"Thank you."

His strong voice was filled with joy and gratitude. She wanted so many things. To cry, to shout at the injustice of things. She wanted to scream at him, be mad at him. But she couldn't. No matter how much she tried to summon anger. She just felt so tired.

"It is a bad idea." She repeated, instead.

"You already said yes."

He was relishing in his victory. But also showing one of his cursed dazzling tender expressions.

"I know. Damn you."

He chuckled. Pecking her cheek.

He was positively shining.

"Stop gloating, you manipulative man."

He crossed his arms, looking outraged.

"I didn't manipulate you. I asked."He said, raising a finger in mock seriousness.

"You used all kinds of weapons to make me accept, indeed." She commented, containing a grumble and thinking of puppy eyes, soft sexy voices, tortured expressions, and all kinds of stuff one should not see on a man without wearing an armour.

"Did not."

"Did so."

"Did not. Name them."

They stared at each other for a long second.

Kyoko stood, and turned to return to the kitchen. She was parched.

"Fighting you only bring more troubles."

He followed after her.

She was finishing pouring her a drink of water when she got his answer. Whispered by her ear.

"Then, don't fight me."

She jumped in the air, dropping half her water back into the sink. Thankfully, the glass was alright, as she hadn't let go of it. She thought of his words. Imagining they meant something else. That they meant something. And wished she could stop, indeed.

She glared at him, finding him barely an inch away when she turned. She was going to commit murder.

He leaned back against the counter, looking perfectly at ease in her kitchen. Tinkerbell was pretending hard to be innocent.

"Playboy fairy."She grumbled.

She heard him whisper something in return but didn't catch it and when she arched a brow in question, he just returned the move and did not bother to explicit, and maybe it was for the better.

Her second attempt at quenching her thirst was a success, and she finished her water.

"So," He asked with a smile when she had put down her glass, "do you have time right now or did you have any plan for today?"

She shrugged.

"I have the day off. I just finished the bigger bunch of the scenes for the first part of the second season for my role." She told him. "I was just planning to chill."

He tapped his arm with his fingers, pondering something.

"Should I just ask for a tour of the area, then?"He teased with a grin.

She grinned back, and make a wave of the hand.

"I would but as you can see, the only thing I can show you close-by is the ocean and the beach. Unless we drive to town."

"Sea and beach sound good to me if you up for a little walk outside."

She nodded.

"Sure. But since you coerced me into coming with you in a few days, I'd like some precision so I can arrange my schedule first." She said, pulling out phone.

He grinned happily, his eyes glowing with gratefulness for thinking ahead. She sighed.

"I will do my best but I make no promise."

He understood that, and he explained further before she called the agency.

Unfortunately for her, and luckily for him (hopefully it wouldn't bring him anything awful), she was able to free the couple of days he had in mind for that visit.

Two hours later, it was settled.

"You are in luck, "she said, "a week earlier, such a thing would have been impossible."

Ren beamed, looking a little smug.

"I know."

"Sorry I couldn't free myself before Friday." It was Monday.

He made eyes at her, and shook his head.

"I already forced you to change schedule and all that. Please don't apologize."

She leaned back against the fridge, unconsciously mimicking the same position he had against counter.

"I might be not too fond of the idea but you didn't force me. I accepted on my own."

His eyes shined and he nodded.

"What about your whole speech of me manipulating you?"He asked with a grin.

She huffed.

"This and that are different. Let's just say your manner of asking was very persuasive."

He hummed, and a familiar glint got in his gaze.

"What?"

"I should take note of that."

"Of what?"

"That I can be very persuasive on you."

He looked way too gleeful of this information. This was bad. She was positive he would find ways to use it against her.

She arched a brow.

"Why?"

"For next time."

She wanted to pat herself on the back for remaining stoic. Face, a marble of stone and nonplussed expression. Her insides were screaming, though.

They looked at each other like that, defying the other with the gaze until he turned, snorting in his corner.

"One day, you will suffocate on one of your teasing moves." She grumbled. He denied it and they got out, making their way to the sand beach.

They marched the little path of polished paving stones leading to the beach, and Ren removed his socks to walk barefoot too. Snow followed after them. They fell on the sand half a dozen steps later, and between dunes the quiet tranquillity of the ocean greeted them close, in all its beauty.

They walked in content silent for a while, following the lapping foam where tiny waves crashed on the shore, and sometimes dipping their feet in the sea. Trousers rolled up, their toes sank into the smooth liquid sand at each step, leaving croissants of footprints behind them. Half present one instant washed away by the incessant dance of waves the next. And Kyoko could not help but ponder, would this moment become like those prints, memories escaping her hands into the past, just as she turned a curve into her future?

Each second passed with him felt like this, sometimes. Like sand collapsing and melting from her hands, from her grasp, as time washed them away. She wanted to keep them, to lock them into a golden globe, close to her heart. She wanted to be able to treasure every tiny moment, as meaningless as walking, with him.

She would have wished to have more pictures of him, of them. She would have wished to have a small movie of them walking side-by-side near the ocean, in quiet peace.

Even more so now than ever.

Because in her heart, that fear has been sprouting. It had started in Japan after she came back, but it was only getting bigger. The times she could squeeze shut her emotions were drying out. And for each moment spent by his side, the veil she maintained that camouflaged her feelings were getting thinner. Worse, she had started to slip. He would do something, say something. Smile. And it would touch her too much. Ridiculous, really. But even meagre things were starting to affect her enough to make her froze sometimes. Or respond in a fully disproportionate way.

She was so far gone she hadn't even been able to hide it from Kyle and Kayla. She hadn't wanted them to know. She never wanted them to know. It was her deepest secret. Her most deepen privacy. Something that belonged to her only. Yet, the moment he called, she hadn't been able to refrain her joy. And her friends had seen it. She just could feel it. She had less and less control.

She sighed, and when Ren stopped his tracks and sat to face the sea, she mainly followed his lead, too preoccupied by her thoughts.

They sat a few metres away, where the sand had begun to dry and powder to a warm cover of dust again. The little grains felt hot under her hands and backside, and she idly let the sandy dust fall between her fingers. She crossed one of her legs under, and leaned on the other as she played with the little sediments. She loved the ocean. The feeling of this blue immensity stretching into the infinite without any way of control to have over it. It was just there, a living monument of life and the planet. A vast beauty seemingly resting in its tranquil humongous strength. It made you realize how little you really were. How insignificant your issues could be compared to the magnitude of life. It could bring peace to her restless heart. Sometimes. The quiet support of that blue, of the airy breeze, would comfort her.

Somehow, it didn't work this time. She just couldn't focus on the majestic blue in front of the eyes. It was shining thousands and one glimmer under the hot ray of this summer day, looking like a turquoise diamond you wished to bath into. The sun was heaving upon them the warmth of the end of afternoon, when the overkill of the heat is already behind but still hot enough to enjoy. And all she could think were stressful depressing thoughts. Spiralling out of control.

Because the further she thought about it, the clearer some interrogations became.

Two in particular.

The first one was the most fearful straightforward coming to her mind. Just because she had a hard time projecting herself into the after. No, that was a lie. Because her mind feared the mere notion of imagining the response of the second one.

The first question that plagued her mind consisted of two little words: How long?

Because she now knew it with certitude, time will come she wouldn't be able to hide at all behind that veil, not to strangers, not to him. Not to anyone. And with how things were going, sooner than later.

So, her mind kept wondering when it would happen.

The second question was the simple continuation of that.

What to do when it would happen?

She wouldn't have that many options by then. She didn't want to envision it, she really didn't. But if it was going to happen anyway, if it was just a matter of time…

The fact was, knowing it was a "when' not an 'if', her mind has already shaped answers. She had just refused to acknowledge it.

When it would happen, there would probably be only two options for her. Depending on how that 'when' would unfold. She felt herself tightening her fists as her mind refused to stop playing her probable sinister future. If that 'when' happened in front of him, then – … She guessed she would have no choice but to own it. And it could mean a couple of things.

He might be shocked to learn it, right?

He would probably not understand either, and she could just hope he wouldn't feel betrayed she had developed these kinds of things for him. No. He wasn't like that. Even if he were to not understand it, she didn't think he would blame her.

One thing that was certain was that it would make their relationship awkward. She would probably lose this closeness she had with him at the time. The moment he would be conscious of- …-things, his acts would change. The hugs would be over. The tactile teasing. The occasional peck on the cheek. All kinds of easy touches would disappear. Because he wouldn't want to encourage her or hurt her.

But-

Would that be all?

What if he even felt awkward talking with her for a while? If not only did her put some physical distance between them but also stayed away from her?

Could she handle it?

She was unsure.

It was not like in the past.

Imagining to not have contact with him at all felt physically painful. Just thinking about it, and her eyes started to sting. She pushed it down with a frown. What if it made her friendship with him slowly fiddle away until nothing? Agonizing their former relationship as he'd first avoid friend touches, saw her less then pretexting having work. She could just see it happen. Not because he would necessarily want it to happen. But he would feel too awkward. Then, as he would keep his distance, time would pass and the bridge between them would keep growing. Stretching the bond they had until only remained some occasional meetings, a few calls here and there. And then, eventually…

Nothing would remain. They were so close at the moment. But that bond that was everything for her now, her most precious thing, would be severed. Used and ripped like a rope until it would be cut it into pieces. None of it would stay.

How many years would it take? How many years would she have? If it came to this. Ten? Probably less. Seven? Five? And what would be those years? To see them crumbling apart like those tiny grains she was sitting on. To know where it was going and that it would be unavoidable, and to not be able to do anything about it. To not be able to fight it, to protest. To say anything.

She wanted to puke. She felt sick to her core.

And yet, she could imagine worse. She didn't even have hit rock bottom.

What if – …

If he felt guilty. What if when learning about it, he felt responsible? He had the bad habit of worrying way too much. And care way too much about his friends, about her. If, when he learned the truth, he felt guilty, felt it was his fault she had developed feelings. Felt he hadn't been careful enough, that he should have acted differently. Granted, he was sometimes careless and giving her false impressions but that wasn't the point. He was the innocent one in the story.

But.

But if he blamed himself. And lord did she know there would be good chance of him doing just that. He was too prompted to do that. If he did, and worried because he knew she was hurt by the situation. If he took his distances because of it and blamed himself. If he was hurt, and considered all was because of him. That he had done something wrong.

That would be way worse. Anything but that. She refused to hurt him. She wouldn't be able to stand hurting him because of the feelings she had for him.

But then, what?

It wasn't like she would have a choice. The only thing she could do was try to mend things if it were to happen, try to make light of what she felt. Try to pretend as fast as she could that, she was over it. Over him.

So that he would worry the less possible about her. So that he wouldn't feel too guilty.

It would mean being able to not show too much of what she was feeling even then.

She was not going in that direction, so far, that was for sure.

But what other options did she have?

What could she do to make it so it wouldn't happen?

Considering she was going to be unable to hide from him what she felt at some point. What could she do? What was her other option?

She was thinking hard but only came up with the shreds of something. It would be barely better. And would have two issues to that, a burn or bury insane hazard.

Is there really no other solution?

She bit the inside of her cheek, harsh. It drew blood in her mouth and she managed to not start to bawl her eyes out just near him. She was breathing deeply, trying to not think, to repress the panic attack she could feel swelling when she heard he spoke.

"Do you want to tell me what you are thinking about so seriously?"

She blinked back her thoughts but didn't turn her face towards him. She knew it was definitely not composed yet.

She cleared her throat.

"Just work, I guess."

"You have been silent nearly since the beginning of the walk."He said and she could hear in his voice he wasn't believing her, even if she weren't looking at him. "You seemed very focused on something so I didn't intrude for a while, but – "

She dropped the sand she was crushing in her hand.

"I'm okay. Was just deep in thoughts about a role."

She had mumbled out the first thing that came to her mind that looked plausible. She still couldn't look at him. Come on. She needed to get her act together.

Then she felt his hand. She composed her face, trying to placate a soft slightly shrugging face at him. To reassure him that he was overreacting again. That he was worrying too much, as always.

His long fingers wrapped around her outside cheek, making her shudder and remember that would be one of the things that might stop too, and he softly turned her head to him. Her eyes fell into his, the concern and worry in them, and marring his face, acute. Marked and focused in his frown.

"A role makes you look so sad?"

She froze. Fright seizing her heart.

She hadn't got it. She had thought her face looks normal. But it hadn't been.

She tried to look away and repeated she was fine, but he didn't let her go. His thumb grazed her left cheek in the wind of a caress, eyes searching hers with softness, looking for answers.

"You are not. You look like you are about to cry. Why? Any ways I can make it better?"

She wanted to rub her face against his palm. She wanted to cuddle into that hand. She wanted to be his arms. Why the hell was she thinking about the hell of that, right now?

She closed her eyes. It didn't help. She could feel his eyes remained on her, staring.

"I'm okay, really."

He pushed some strands away and caressed her head, and the big hair clip that had held her hair up, fell. Her locks cascaded down and he caressed those too, letting escape a sigh. She let him. It was soothing.

"Okay." He said and they both were aware he knew it wasn't the truth.

She opened back her eyes, grateful he wasn't pushing it. She couldn't even be upset he was being nosy. She wanted to be angry at him. Anger kept people at bay. But no, he was just so understanding. Why did he have to make her appreciate him even more? Why?

Damn it all.

She thought the tears were going to fall, after all. But the minute she turned her face away, he stood.

"That settles it."

And he took her in his arms, hoisting her up with ease, and priming a move wherever.

"What are you doing?! Put me down." Being in his arms wasn't going to help her. He shook his head and just lifted her higher, carrying her princess-like with a big grin. One arm locked tightly around her jeans-clad thighs, the other around her waist. He was even holding her too tight for her to attempt a hold to free herself. He had even moved her arms like she had been a doll so that she would be hugging his neck. She was going to strangle him with them now. Finally, she might get a reason to get angry.

"Ren, put me down."

"Huh-huh."He sang song with the damn same Cheshire smile that said he had a bad plan in mind. That's when she looked around and realized in which direction he was heading.

Oh no.

"Don't you dare!"

§§§

End of chapter.

PS:Hello everyone. Yes, I know, it has been a while. Life has been a mess for me recently. Health kept throwing a tantrum, and I chained up infections, insomnias and headaches for many weeks. I was fortunately finally able to edit this chapter but I won't make any promise about when the future ones will come out because my body hates me.

Just know that I'm not giving up on this story, just dealing with life, and that it might take more time than planned but i will keep updating. Sorry again for the wait.

Kisses to everyone. And whether or not i update in December again, i wish you all already(and just in case) a merry advent season and good holidays for the one celebrating. I hope you are all healthy and able to stay in the joy and the love, it is so important during those moving times.

And to anyone having a hard time at the moment: I send you hugs and love and kittens and puppies and sweets. And i pray that the future will bring you happier days. Keep trying and don't give up on yourself. And please cherish the present instant, sometimes, we just need to not think about the future. We need to be patient with ourselves and our lives, and just listen to a good music, take a nap, and give ourselves some comfort.

I know this current period is challenging for many, many people around the world, and i deeply sympathize with the hardship people might be going through. I hope that happiness and love and joy will come back to all those suffering.

Kisses to you all. Hopefully, it won't take me too long to update. Let's cross fingers together.

Mimagfan,

AUTHOR OUT.