CHAPTER 116

I do not own Skip Beat! Yoshiki Nakamura does.

~~Magical Summer trip ~~

~~ part 22~~

~~Family time and talks~~

~~part 2~~

A couple of hours ago.

Warming up on the mat of his parents' gym, Ren listened to his dad as he explained to him the choreography he needed to master for his next movie. It was one of the only action scenes his role had, as he had told them earlier, since he was trying his hand at more cerebral stuff. He knew his dad had done many psychological movies in the past too, so he had been perplexed in the way his father had phrased it. He told him as much, and Kuu replied he had phrased that poorly. He had meant he got too often into roles that were one or the other only. One extreme or the opposite. He wanted to participate in fully complex stories and nothing else. Because when certain roles tended to be a one-way type, sometimes, it meant plot was too. Ren was aware of that too. His father was really thankful to say he had had his share of nuanced stories and roles, thankfully. But contrasted roles didn't necessarily imply action scenes, and unfortunately the bias that action movies weren't for brains had its part of truth. It had been less the case in Japan the last time he had had a role there, his dad shared – as Japanese industry tend to be slower and have fewer means but to be more perfectionists and to love subtlety more – though he ignored how it was now. Ren confirmed it was still the case.

"I miss the action stunts when I don't have any. And when I take a full-action role, I want to bang my head at the plot of the movie," His dad added with a grimaced at what, his son suppose, was a memory of a bad scenario he had taken part into; as Kuu stretched some more by his side. So, he had started to take roles that would involve both. "I'd like to enjoy the years I have left I can still do my own stunts but not die of boredom in the meanwhile."

"With common sense, of course. Unless I want your mum to strangle me."

He gave him a sheepish smile, bringing both hands behind his back, one from above left shoulder, the other twisting from below, to grab his wrists, and Ren had to admire how supple his dad still was.

He smiled back, a little feisty on the end, however.

"I agree with Mum, you should be careful."

His father frowned at him half-jokingly.

"You did not use to worry so much."

Ren shrugged, switching to his legs.

"You used to be younger. It's time I start to worry."

"Brat."

He grinned at his dad, hearing the clear amusement in his tone.

His father had explained and shown earlier, the gist of the choreography his role would do but he had a couple of jumps in the air he needed to perfect the timing of it. One, he would be caught, the other he needed to calculate the right moment to land. Normally, he would have waited until he could go train with a stuntman, or the colleague that would play the most part of this scene with him. But his partner for the scene would not do the scene himself, only his double would. And they wouldn't be available right away. Which would hinder schedule and he would end up wishing to strangle his colleague for not performing his own stunts and train when it was perfectly his right not to.

He caught his father a couple of times, so that his dad could calculate the angle and the number of seconds when he dropped first, and were caught. Then Kuu showed him the other sequence and asked him if he could do it so his father could observe the movements and choose the best spot for him to land on his hands.

They did this for a good hour, alternating between who observed and who did it, before eventually taking a break.

They sat on the mat side, against the padded surface of the wall, and he gave his dad a bottle of water he took in the gym's fridge before greedily drinking himself from his own. He sent a message to Kyoko, asking if everything was going well but he didn't really expect a response, if she were caught up by his mum as he imagined she might be.

They remained in comfortable silence for a moment, catching their breaths, until his father placed the empty container by the spare full ones on his side, and broke the lid of it. But he stopped after taking a sip, and observing him from his eye's corner, which made his son want to squirm under his stare. Then, his father took another sip. Very slowly.

"Now, let's talk. What's the hell of shenanigans is happening between you and Kyoko?"

Ren strangled himself, water filling the wrong pipe as he violently coughed. He hadn't expected the sudden U-turn. Neither to make a straight drop into uncomfortable zone. He gave a side glance to his father. His tone had been nonchalant, one would even say normal. But on the other hand, it had been too neutral, too studied. And the tension he felt was anything but casual chatting.

He cleared his throat. Twice, when he failed to gather his thoughts at first attempt. Sighing, he gave up.

"What do you mean?"

His dad remained silent and just arched a brow, and stared. Ren was the first one to turn away.

"You brought her here," his dad eventually said.

That he did, but he hadn't thought about the whole 'parents butting their nose in the hornet nest' thingie. He had wanted her to come with him, but it escaped him he would have to reply questions.

"You must know there is no hope in keeping up pretences son."

He sighed. He knew very well he couldn't hide it from his father. And he had been utterly failing at hiding anything for a while, anyway.

"I know."

"So?"

He stayed silent.

"There are so many hearts in your eyes Lory would do a standing ovation if he saw you, you know."
Ren groaned, dropping his head into his hands.

"Please don't bring him into this."

Kuu chuckled and patted his shoulder but it only made him feel more miserable, despite the warmth such a gesture brought. His dad didn't say anything else until he lifted back his head.

Ren grimaced as he let his state of mind colours his expression and his words.

"I suck at this, Dad."

He let the back of his head hit the stuffed wall behind him, and closed back his eyes.

"I truly suck at this. So much."

His father laughed.

"It can't be that bad."

Ren groaned again, and brought his arm over his eyes, not wanting to see the amusement he could hear in his father's voice.

"You have no idea."

He pulled at the back of his hair, near his nape, out of sheer frustration. It was bad. Really bad. He could feel his emotions rising to the edge. He hadn't confided in his father in a while, childhood truly, and had put a wall between them for so long. But the guard was down now. It had dropped yesterday when he had told them everything. He felt the words bubbling out before he had thought this through.

"She is driving me nuts. And I can't even escape."

His dad chuckled again.

"I can see that."

"And it's like she stays unfazed no matter the circumstances, no matter my attempts into being closer to her."

"That let me know you tried a lot of things."

He slipped both hands into his hair.

"Yes. I did. But I'm stuck into the damn friend zone. Best friends, ha!"

He hated that word as much as he loved it.

"Are you sure?"

He looked at his dad, confused, but his thoughts strayed away as he was carried by the coiling rage of his emotions.

"I think I'm losing it half the time. I can't even hide it anymore, even with acting. Yet she does not see it, it doesn't even cross her mind."

"But are you truly sure of that?"

He turned to his dad, but ignored his question.

"How can someone be so extraordinary, yet so blind? How?!"

He rubbed at his face.

"Because she truly is. She does everything with so much passion and stubbornness, yet she can be so gentle and sweet. She is so alive. She is the strongest person I ever met but she can be so compassionate. She has the most unique way of thinking I know of and – …"

And unknown to Ren, as he rambled, a slow but growing fond smile found its way on his dad's face.

"… She can be so selfless it would be harmful to her. And if you could see her acting, she is incredible. The perfect example of embodying a character. And – … God, she drives a motorbike, Dad. Not a scooter or a little thing at all, no. A fucking damn bike. She learned by herself. You should see her, it is criminal. And she is so beautiful and she – "

But then he looked up at his father – who looked at him with deep, deep amusement and fondness – and suddenly realized what he was doing, and came to an abrupt stop. And he tried, he really tried. But despite his best efforts, a light colour came to his cheeks, before he let out a suffering sigh.

"I see you did inherit the bucket drop of compliments of the family."

His dad commented with a snort, patting his shoulder again.

And here, Ren had thought he had escaped it. He didn't have anything dignified to say in return, so he remained quiet. Mortified but, despite himself, amused.

"And I see you would pluck the moon and the stars for a smile and a kiss from her," his father added, still quite merry.

"Daddd!"

Was it a whine that just came out? An actual whine?!

Damn it. It was.

Kuu laughed.

"You adore her. It's just normal, Son."

Ren sighed, tired. He did not have the energy to defend himself against what he knew to be the truth.

"But I have a question," he started almost immediately after. "Why don't you just tell her?"
"Dad."

His voice came out strained, he didn't want to say those words. Thinking them was painful enough. He sighed.

"She is my closest friend, Dad."

His father hummed.

"Looks to me like she is way more than that."

He groaned. Sure that his father was not letting it go.

"And I'm not even talking about physical attraction here, because I don't want to go that road and make you awkward."

"Thanks heavens for small gestures."

His gruffed relieved comment made his dad chuckle.

"But I've never quite seen a bond like yours." He resumed, and Ren wondered how to stir away from the subject when his father added, "Or maybe, … Between some married couples."

Ren hit his head against the wall again, his heart stretching both painfully and yet, with such a pleasurable squeeze, at the images his father had just provoked in his head. It felt worse, however. Because his father was the one saying this, and his parents had always been his ideal in terms of couples.

"That doesn't help, Dad. That truly doesn't. And you are part of a married couple."

Kuu gave him an apologetic grimace.
"Sorry. And you are right. I am. And your mother and I are very close and we love each other very much. And I don't think it will ever change…"

Ren frowned at him, not liking his pause.

"I'm waiting for a but that should not exist."

His father smiled at him and he could see him getting lost in thoughts as he spoke.

"But there are different kinds of couples. Ours is one that needs lots of communicating to understand each other and explaining."

Ren's frown deepened and he felt his confusion grow.

"Does it not apply for every couple, though? And plus, I never saw you argue."

"We did argue, though it wasn't often, and we would never have subjected you to it, anyway. That is, as long as we could help it," his father replied. "But that is not what I meant. And yes, of course, it applies to every couple."

"Then what do you mean?"

Kuu smiled at him.

"For starters, if we hadn't started communicating very early in the relationship and had been excessively healthy about it, we would have had many more struggles."

His father snorted at his scrunched up face, and he could only represent himself the displeasure it might be showing. He just could not fathom his parents having trouble understanding each other.

"I'm a firm believer of love conquer it all – I have that in common with our famous love monster – ," Kuu explained with a faithful smile, "but even if we had common interests and worked in the same industry when we met, your mother and I started with very different views on life, and let's not begin on living together."

He threw a sceptical glance at his dad.

"Seriously?"

Kuu laughed.

"Truly. I'd say we had some common basics that helped. And your mother was very patient and kind, and I'd say I did not too bad on that front either. Which helped. But we had our share of challenges. And understanding the other view, and reaching middle ground took some time and a lot of discussions, until the harder bumps could be avoided."

Ren looked at him like a whole new universe had opened to him.

"But like what? I just can't imagine."

Kuu grinned.

"Well, for example, there was a time I would have pretty much loved to live in the wood, and come out of them just to go to the studios and act." He said before bumping his shoulder with his son. "Something you seem to share with me if it didn't change since you were little."

Ren smiled and nodded. It hadn't changed, and the mere suggestion still appealed to him a great deal. It would have been so peaceful. But probably not very practical, he had to admit.

It seemed his dad noticed because he added.

"But you understand comfort too. Like your mother."

He got a nod for that, and pursued.

"Well, you've got the best deal of us two and our years of communication, then," Kuu said with a snort, "Because comfort went way over my head when I was younger. And as long as I could act and have food, I was okay with very precarious conditions. Even after I started to make big money."

"Even after-Damn."

He shook his head. He had a hard time imagining his father as half a savage with the strong class his dad seemed to always have emitted.

Kuu laughed.

"I still had charisma, you know. But yes, you can imagine your mum's reaction to that."

Ren's grimaced. Oh yes, he could.

"It was a dead no," His dad added with a proud grin, "And she threatened to put cockroaches and moss and any forest animal she could find in my room if I loved bugs and nature so much. So that I could have my woods with me."

Ren laughed. That, he could imagine.

"One of our worst arguments ever, honestly. And it went along with me not caring as fast as it might be needed to set up things when we moved into our new home," He continued, shaking his head.

"Not the basic things, mind you," His father said in a strong line, "I always made sure your mother and I had food, water, hot water, electricity and warmth right away, obviously. But more trivial things like make a home comfy, furniture sometimes, paint the walls, renovated some rooms. I just didn't see the utility to rush and it dragged a little, sometimes."
Ren could not help it, and his sides shook. He could just imagine his mother appal face at the prospect of having to live like that.

Kuu poked him in the side, taking a dramatic face he knew was exaggerated.

"Don't mock your father, it was very hard, I have you know."

But only more chuckles escaped from his son.

"Those happened to be the biggest hurdles we went through." His dad eventually said. "But I came to understand your mother and she came to understand me too."

"That's how we arranged to go on adventure trips time-to time, and full hotel setup other times. And that's how we ended with the house you were born with, which had a big yard and garden and much potential for both nature and comfort."

Ren smiled at his dad.

"That's really sweet."

His father nodded fondly.

"It is."

"I don't see how it applies with my situation, though. We are not a couple. Despite how much I wished to."

His father hugged his shoulders shortly.

"Yet, Son."

"Dad." He warned again. He really did not need to have his hopes rose up, right now.

"What I meant earlier is that, yes, all couples need to communicate but some more than others. Or rather, some couple would not work without it."

He gave a pointed look at his father, shaking his head.

"If you are suggesting I understand Kyoko so well, then… I would not be in this situation, and would know whether to give up or tell her."He grumbled, his frustration coming back.

His father shook his head.

"This and that are different."

He didn't see how it was different but he refrained from saying so. He had been in desperate mode for a long time, any advice was good to take at this point. And he was positive his dad's ones could only be good. Even if he might not like them or be able to apply them.
"Let me ask you something," he began anew, "I know you are currently friends but if you were to picture yourself together, can you imagine troubles between you too?"

Ren wanted to curse. Maybe listening to his father words was not such a good idea.

"Dad, I really, really don't think it will help, right now. Don't you think I'm already picturing myself with her all the time?!"

He groaned, as images still ended up flowing in his mind.

"As a matter of fact, it makes it worse."

Kuu swatted the back of his head lightly, and he was not so sure such an undignified sound would never come out from his father's mouth, he could have sworn he had just heard a giggle.

"You're funny. That is not what I'm asking. Put yourself out of the gutter, Son."

"Fuck. Dad!"

Please let this conversation ends soon.

Kuu chuckled.

"You deserve it. I was talking about the daily life, silly."

"Oh."

"Yes, oh."

"Let's just stop talking, okay."

His dad throttled aloud and Ren could feel the vibrations of his father's body shaking on his side.

"I think it has been a while I hadn't seen you being this cute. Especially when you are in such a turmoil."

"Please shut up."

His father laughed some more at that but still ended up continuing the doomed subject when he calmed.

"So, before you became so funny, I was telling you to imagine your daily life."

He sighed at his dad but replied.

"Yes, and?"

"From what you know of her and you, of your opinions, can you imagine points that would become matters of troubles later on, or in simply living in close quarters?"

"Oh."
So that what he meant. He started to think about it, about what it could mean and would mean to live together, barely holding his emotions at bay, but trying to be on the more critical rational side and analyse, despite how hard it was for him to be objective. And how much emotions … sweet, bittersweet and otherwise, it brought to him.

"I mean, I don't really know, we are not in that situation right now, and we are still different, obviously." He said after some thought.

"But?"

He shuffled, still feeling so very awkward talking about this with his dad.

"But – and it is surely biased on the fact all this is theory- but- … I can only see one source of potential and very hypothetical tension. Besides that…"
"Besides that?" His dad encouraged again, and he felt nearly frustrated by the prompt.

"There seems to be a lot of points and views where we can understand each other, I think… Maybe?"

He sighed.

"That is not for nothing her words were the ones that managed to help you, I think, you know. "His dad added, carefully. "Even when she was younger and I met her, I could already see you both had a lot of common. That's still how I think she managed to act as you so closely to how you were when you were a child, in my opinion."

That and the fact his dad description brought the very image of him as Corn to her, thought Ren.

"You are different in some ways but your sensibilities seem on sync way more often than apart, and I'm saying this just from the little I noticed from yesterday discussion, which is actually telling a lot."

He guessed he had to agree with his father, to a certain level. The way she saw the world was something he had always loved about Kyoko, and the way she created her characters when she acted was something he had approved and loved from the very start.

But then his mind rewind what his dad had just said.

"What do you mean, what you noticed yesterday'"
His father smiled.

"Well, I know you two know each other well and that it can be explained partially that way, but sometimes… Sometimes it just looked like you were picking on each other cues so fast, even without a word exchanged."

He blinked, he hadn't expected that.

"Really?"

His father nodded.

"Yes. Sure, I didn't see you in years but you are my son; yet, she always seemed to know when you were not okay during yesterday's conversation. As if she was synching herself on your emotions. And you did it too. As if you knew when she felt anxious or self-conscious each time."

Damn, that warmed his heart on a whole other level.

Still.

"But, we know each other well, as you said. I don't see how it is so … different. Isn't it normal, then?"

His father shrugged but then shook his head.

"It might be for you two. But I can tell you that even after years with your mother, I could still misunderstand some of her cues and her some of mine for one million different things possible, if we didn't talk about it," His father said, and he looked somewhat grouched about it but then he smiled, "Which makes it a bit frustrating to watch you two. Nowadays, it wouldn't happen, because we know each other by heart. And when one of us didn't meet one of the other needs or did not do something, we know instantly what is wrong. But it is mostly because we talked and talked, and never stopped."

"I see."

That really put his parents' relationships to something even more impressive, in his mind.

Kuu smiled ruefully before fondness replaced it nearly instantly as he looked at him.

"Even now, I'm pretty sure we would not be able to pick as acutely on the other feelings as you seemed to both do for each other yesterday. This was quite impressive to witness."

"Oh."
Man, that was bad, so bad. So really bad. That really brought his hopes up, now.

He sighed, crossing his arms to protect himself from his own thoughts as he closed his eyes.

"You should not have said this to me, Dad." It only made him wish for it even more.
"I don't see how it is bad."

"We are not together. And there is no guarantee we will ever be." As much as it pained him to say the damn words. "Just because we understand each other and are close, don't mean she feels the same."

It was his dad turn to sigh.

"It's true. But I maintain it might be just a yet. But it brings your chances of success, if she ever does, higher. And it does make it that much more precious, that much more worth it."

"You don't need to tell me how precious this is." He returned angrily. He knew all too well how priceless his relationship with Kyoko was.

"But, especially for that reason I should be cautious."

He did not want to ever risk damaging his relationships with Kyoko, even if he wanted more. Moreover, if he took the risk and hurt her in the process…

"Especially for that reason, you might want to risk it all."
He gave his dad an angry but anxious look.

"And if she doesn't feel the same? If I hurt her? I don't want to impose my feelings on her."

He turned his head to the side as he let out his next words in a murmur.

"She has already been hurt so much…"

He heard air leave his father and a long paused issued before he patted his shoulder, until his son turned around.

When Ren did, his father gave him a sad smile, nodding.

"I can understand why you are so prudent and considerate, Son. I don't even know her that well yet, but I could see the marks of mistreat in the way she thought of herself, sometimes." Kuu said softly and he nodded numbly in response.

"But are you planning to stay like this or to just give up, Son? You should not be the one to suffer either."

Ren shook his head at his dad.

"I'm not. I know it might not sound like much- and I'm extremely careful – , but, I'm not giving up, no."

"Then – "

"I'm giving myself some time, and trying to be as close to her as she will let me. And waiting."

"Waiting?" His father asked, perplex.

"For an opportunity. To change things. And… For any opportunities or signs she might give me that she could be feeling more, or that her feelings could be changing."

His father sighed again.

"That doesn't seem very fair to you."

Ren chuckled.

"That is the best I came up with."
Kuu smiled sadly, and nodded.

"I told you I sucked at this." His son grumbled, more at himself than at anything.

His father shook his head.

"We all suck at it sometimes." He said before smiling at him with an indulgence he wasn't sure to deserve, and got because he was his son. "Also, correct me if I'm wrong because I wasn't always privy of all things but, it is your first love, right?"

Ren groaned and coloured again, floored the embarrassment never seem to cease, but he nodded.

"Then, it is only normal to be clumsy."

Ren snorted. Right. That was not clumsy, that was… He stopped his thoughts, refusing to name words and descriptives on his desperate situation. But it was utterly worse than that, that much he knew. Then, another thought came.

"Was Mum your first love?"

His dad scratched his throat.

"She was." And after some hesitation, his father added, "Men in this family tend be this way. There is only ever one girl that sway us. But when she appears, she does not do it mildly. It was that way for your grandfather too."

"So, it is just me that is so clueless."

His dad chuckled.

"I took some time to win your mum over, you know. It didn't happen overnight."

"Ugh. Wrong phrasing dad."

His dad laughed.

"I meant that it was difficult. Even if I admit, I was not stuck in such a conundrum as you seem to be. I knew she liked me, at least a bit, quite early."
The sigh that escaped Ren this time appeared bottomless. As if his lungs were expelling every ounce of hope he possessed through oxygen. He had not been as lucky as his father.

He felt even before that he spoke, that his dad was about to pester him some more about it, and his wishes they were done with this particular subject dashed away. He felt his father's eyes on him as the water bottle plastic cracked in for every gulp his father took. Then, he hummed again, and the now-empty container was dropped on the side near the other one.

"I might be annoying but I must ask you once more, because you did not reply this question earlier." Kuu started. "Are you sure she doesn't feel anything for you? I mean… Do you have any proof? I can only guess she never told you such a thing, otherwise we wouldn't have had this conversation. So, how do you know?"

He opened his mouth to reply, and stopped abruptly. His 'of course I'm sure' hanging on the tip of his tongue but swallowed back as he began to think about it. It wasn't he had actual proofs. And he certainly was trying to incline things in his favour. But she seemed so hermetic to his presence. Or should he say 'unbothered'?

"I don't know…"

He could hear his tiredness and pain in his own voice.

"I guess it's her behaviour?"

He thought he could say with some confidence she had affection for him, as a friend. But he thought she was… Her normal self, when he was with her. She did not act in a way that could let him think or hope she thought of him as special. Or that she felt as much crazed as he felt in her company. She appeared to act as natural as she would be, despite his efforts in 'bothering' her and trying to get close. He knew she considered him a friend, and cared for him. And she did let him get away with some stuff, sometimes. Even when he knew – retrospectively- he had been a tad pushy into spending time with her, or when she judged he was being overprotective. But nothing, in her behaviour with him, let guess she thought of him as a singularized individual. Or as an attractive man. Or, even more, as a potential partner.

His prolonged silence was eventually broken up by his father and he looked to his side when he cleared his throat.

"Son, just because you can't see it, doesn't mean nothing is there."

Totally lost, he frowned up at his father.

His father smiled at him.

"What I said earlier, about knowing your mother liked me a bit before we got together… I didn't say this because I was able to see it despite things."

He paused, waiting and looking at Ren.

"I was able to see it because your mother let me. My guess is that she just wanted me to try harder and made her see why I was worth her time."

Ren furrowed his brows again, though he smiled at the idea of his mum teasing his father. But he was not sure to see where his father was going with this. It was the farthest of the things he could imagine Kyoko doing. For more than a couple reasons. The most obvious being she would have to be aware he had feelings for her, or at least have noticed he was interested by her. And simply put, he couldn't fathom a world where she would risk teasing the feelings of someone, if there were even the barest minimum of chances she could hurt that person by doing so. And that's without even taking into account her usual issues with seeing herself clearly. Especially when the target was men or when it was a question of likability or charm.

"If you are suggesting, Kyoko could even be doing something of the sort, then – "

But his dad chuckled. Hard. And shook his head.

"No- haha- … No, I truly can't imagine her trying that. She is way too kind and conscientious to even think about doing that, don't worry. You don't have to defend her so hard – he laughed again – , I was not suggesting anything or criticizing her."

"I was not – "

But he was cut by the pointed look of his father, and he grumbled the last part in his beard.

"You are very protective of her."

He sighed, this conversation was driving him nuts, and took a couple of deep breaths and let his shoulders rest again on the wall.

"Stop teasing me, Dad."

His father smiled.

"Well, I can't say I had many occasions to do so in the past. Girls jumped on you but you were not truly attached to them. So, excuse me if I feel like catching up on what we missed when you were a teen."

He groaned and his lips perked up despite himself, and he threw an indulgent grin at his father.

"Playing the sentimental card is unfair, you know."

His dad nodded, grinning with teeth.

"I know."

"Anyway, what I meant earlier was that you missed the point when I talked about your mother."
"How so?"

"I meant that if your mother hadn't wanted me to see she was interested in me, I wouldn't have."

Kuu noticed he was ready to protest, so he added.

"Not until her feelings were way deeper, at least."

Ren inclined his position towards his dad, finally getting where he was going with this. However, he did not understand how it was possible. His father had always told him his mother did acting as a side thing. She loved modelling and designing more than anything but it was not the same for acting. She could be amazing in a role, if she put her mind into it, but she had less interest in it than him or his father. As such, she was a different style of actress than them, she did not 'become' the character. And when she did want to play a role, she knew she had to train harder than a full-time actress. Or she also knew, on occasion, the difference of technique might be seen, because of that, even if she would do her best to prevent it. But she was fine with it, since her true passion was modelling. His father had always understood and coached her for the roles she wanted to portray.

But that meant that if her mother had tried to pretend she was not interested by his father, there would have been very high chances, he would have noticed. Or she would have failed to do so.

"How?" he asked, simply, knowing his dad would get what he was referring to.

Kuu nodded and laughed a bit.

"Yes. It can sound surprising, since I'm supposed to be the more experienced actor here."

He lifted a finger.

"First, I was still quite young at the time. I think if it had been the 'me' of now, I might have been able to pick on her cues."

That made sense, he guessed. But it was still a bit too much to imagine his dad getting fooled by an act. Even when he was a less experienced version of himself.

His dad saw his expression, and added with a smile.

"Good acting and knowing you are being played by an act are not the same." He said.

"From the perspective I have now, I wouldn't say I sucked in my roles, I would go as far as say I was already not too bad. Though, I still had much to learn then, and will still be learning in decades from now. But I would have much less experience in recognizing a person acting in real life or being genuine."

Ren nodded. He could accept those two aspects were different and that the other took more time and experience to understand and pick on it.

But his father turned his hand, presenting his palm up, fully open.

"And that is only a fourth of my reasons to ask you this question."
He smiled at his dad, surprised.

"Only a fourth?"

He shrugged at his emphasis.

"I thought about it while you were lost in thoughts. Anyway."

"If we put the acting part asides. There is something else I feel you neglected to take into consideration, Son," he said, looking pointedly at him. "Girls, Women, are good to hide what they feel, Kuon, when they don't want you to see. And I don't mean for acting. I mean in real life here."

Ren fixed his father in silence, puzzled and waiting for him to elaborate.

"I would even say it's second nature for some of them."

He made a wave of his hands.

"There could be countless reasons for that. Because the world is hard and they had to toughen up. Because people told them they were too sensitive. Because of their childhood, an environment that was not welcoming to open feelings. Many things and more. But the thing remains, they tend to be better at hiding what they feel than us."
Ren was not sure he agreed with all of this, though he could see what his father meant.

"But couldn't you say in some ways, it is the same for boys and men? Old education tended to promote saying to any boy or man to repress his feelings in that very macho toxic way of thinking, after all."

Kuu nodded, smiling, and crossed his arms.

"That is true. But what is also true is that we suck at it."

Ren snorted at his phrasing.

"If we do, we shut off all emotions and don't even let them out when we are alone, which lead them to transform into anger or depression. Adding to that, we tend to lash out or become aggressive." He continued.

"One way or another, it becomes exposed."

"It stays hidden or happens much less for women because they tend to do something about it. They don't let it rot inside them. They deal with it. Express it, at least in private. They let their emotions out."

"And essentially, that means they get way better at handling the worst of situations and the worst of emotions without a faze in the world."

"And from what I noticed, the harder life was with you, the better you get with hiding your deeper feelings. Though, I'd say that apply to everyone, not just women," His dad added, after a pause. "Proof is, you are way better than me in that area."

His son frowned but Kuu continued.

"I would not be able to hide how angry or affected I am as well as you when faced with someone or an event especially upsetting."
"How do you – "

He was pretty sure the instances he had displayed this the most was in Japan, not before becoming Ren.

His father smiled.

"I took news from Lory, you know. Even before we exchanged mails again."

"Oh."

But he had tended to do that since he was a kid. It was just an acquired skill. He had thought he needed to do that to not bother his parents when he was young. And to not give Intel to the ones harassing him, on what he felt inside.

"But don't you think it depends on personalities, too?" Ren asked.

Kuu nodded.

"I'm sure it plays a part. But I'm also sure it is a survival skill you develop, with time."

He could not say he ignored how it could come to be, faced with some events, it was instinct to try to protect yourself from exposing emotional wounds.

But…

He turned his eyes to his father.

"Does it not negate your earlier point?"

Kuu shook his head.

"Not in my opinion. Because they are more equipped or skilled at doing something with it."

"So?"

He was not sure he followed where his dad was going with this. If depending on what you lived, they would both tend to be able to hide it.

His father lifted his palm up.

"I'd say there is a big nuance, though. Let's say depending on what we lived, all humans are capable to become skilled at hiding what they feel. Hiding it, not dealing with it. That's where is the nuance."

"Women will do damage control, emotional control, not just become enable of dissimulation. Which essentially means they are either one step closer to healing or to appeasing themselves, than by just dragging a carpet over whatever turmoil they might be feeling."

"Oh."

His father chuckled.

"Yes, oh. And if you are better and most of all, used, to do emotional control and appease yourself, you become even better at hiding your emotions."
"That is why, I'd say – even if I'm generalizing by a lot and that some individuals, whether male or female, do have those skills – , but otherwise, I'd say women have some facilities to do it. By education, ways of how society function and make you learn to deal with your emotions too."

"You can't deny that women are taught a lot more how to deal with emotional damage than us, generally speaking. And unfortunately so."

Ren nodded, he had to agree.

"I might add that it sucks because it causes a lot of issues in society in how many men tend to react to emotions, because they were never properly taught about dealing with them. Though, if we are honest, there are several movements that are changing and-or try to change and teach otherwise."

His son nodded again.

"But, in the meanwhile, it is still a defective area for most men. And it has consequences."
"So, what you are saying is not that men would be unable to do it, in theory? But that they weren't taught."
His father gave a nod of approval.

"Put it in another way, women might still be more attuned to feelings but we would still be able to be on equal footing about them. But since it isn't the case, we are at disadvantage. While for women, they are so used to it, it is natural," His dad explained to him.

"That is why I'm saying to not consider as face value what you can perceive of a woman from the outside."

Now, he understood what his father had been trying to explain to him, and to some extent, he could understand and even agree with it. Essentially speaking, it meant a world of depth could be hidden behind the public mask a woman could show to everyone. And that while it happened to men too, it was much more frequent and second nature for women. If you only input generalities.

He didn't know if he liked the idea. To put someone in a box just based on their gender, and not care about individual cases or each personality.

His father put his hand on his shoulder, attracting his attention, and he granted him a comprehensive smile.

"What I said is just a way to give you another view and be able to take a step back, and not take what can be visible only, as proof." He told Ren. "It doesn't have to be a value, neither through that filter you see things. Our society is flawed, very much so. And understanding each other can be a challenge, Son. This is just supposed to give a possible perspective. A possible one, Son, not the one, not the truth. I personally believe we should always try to look at each individual for whom they are, and not for what the society might be labelling them as. And if we can, make things better."

Ren smiled at his father, relief seeping in, as well a new rush of pride, to know his father tried to always look at each person as their own. He also felt oddly happy. He had had talks with his father when he was younger, but those deeper more complex ones had been ones that slipped by out of reach. When he was not closed off, he had been too young. And later, he might have had the possibility for some of them, but was lost in his own circle of hell, unable to be close to his dad as he used to.

One thing still bothered him, though. Kyoko was not just any woman, and he thought he knew enough of her to not feel what his father said perfectly applied…

"But I think I know Kyoko pretty well, so – "

His dad chuckled.

"Even more for a woman you know well, Son."

Ren furrowed his brows at him.

"She is incapable of lying for many things, Dad. I think I would know if she were not honest, and – "

"I'm not saying she is not genuine."

His father shook his head with a soft smile.

"I'm even persuaded she is, in all that she is showing you. Because from what little I know, she is very kind and honest. And even more so with you. I can see she cares about you a lot."
He blushed at his father's words – he truly hoped that was the case – and the latter grinned at him, bumping his shoulder against his.

"That much I can tell."
But then he added.

"But that doesn't mean she is showing you everything. Especially with a young woman like Kyoko-chan."

Ren could admit everyone had their secrets, to a point. And it was true, he hadn't seen her for years. But the core of who she was had never changed. Plus, he knew where his father was going with this. And it simply seemed too huge, weird and too good to be true. And then, he remembered what his father had just said.

"Why especially with her?"

"Because she is not just a woman, she is an actress too. Do you remember when I shared how she had fooled me?" His dad asked and he nodded.

"I was a little vexed at the time, but mostly impressed. But beyond that, it means one important thing."

He paused and looked at Ren pointedly.

"A newbie actress – he smiled at him as he said that – , a very good one, mind you, was able to fool a veteran actor and portray a stone face, barely a few inches away from said man."

Ren knew the story and just looked at his father. He had been impressed too, of course, but where was he –

"This was years ago, Kuon. Do you have any idea how far she might have been able to refine that skill from then?"

Ren's eyes enlarged and his lips breached. He was … right. He was absolutely right. She would have been to be already damn good to be able to fool his dad, years ago. But that probably means her capabilities had risen to frightening heights by now.

Kuu sighed with a wise nod, clearly pleased Ren was getting it this time.

"Also, I barely spent time with Kyoko-chan but just that amount was enough to see she did not have an easy past, right?"

Ren nodded slowly, reluctant to reveal anything, even to his father. Those were private matters that only concerned her and he would not talk about it to anyone unless he had her express permission.

His father looked at him, not bothered in the least when he didn't reply anything else, and he pursued.

"And you said as much yesterday, that she was one of the strongest people you knew."
"She is. She is tougher than anyone."

His dad stared at him pointedly.

"And you think you would notice if she didn't want you to know of something?"
Ren opened his mouth, and closed it. At lost against this flawless argument.

His father crossed his arms.

"Based on all this, I'd say if she, of all people, didn't want you to know of something, you would never be aware of it, son."

Ren sighed. He was right. And it sucked to admit it. Because it wasn't like he could do anything about it. She had always been secretive. He just hadn't realized the depth it might be.

"I'm not saying it means she feels something for you, Son," Kuu started anew, crushing new hopes he hadn't even realized had bloomed, "I don't want to raise your hopes for nothing. It is just a word of caution. If your estimation of what she might feel or not for you is only based on the outside behaviour she has with you, then it is flawed. Unless it is meaningful, intimate gestures or words that would confirm instead what she feels, of course. Any other more 'distant' acts can mean both and its contrary. So to speak."

Well, that did not sound so promising. He understood why he should not judge what she felt on most of her actions. But it did not help him figure out what he could actually do.

He sighed, closing his eyes, and folded his arms, trying very hard to behave like an adult and not sulk.

"That should help but that doesn't help, Dad."

A prolonged silence followed, and he thought their conversation would stop there, he had no desire to pursue it right now. His father had pretty much made a mess out of his thoughts with his input. But then, he spoke again.

"Have you ever envisioned simply telling her?" He asked again.

He didn't even bother telling his father he had, and so many times at that.

"What if I hurt her? What if I break our friendships?" He looked at his father as he voiced his earlier worries once more, knowing his anguish laced his tone and face. "She is…"

He could not bring himself to say it. No matter how much he thoughts the words. He felt like he would cause a curse of the meagre chances he already had if he voiced how much she meant to him.

His father seemed to understand and leaned back, keeping quiet for a minute.

"Life will continue, Son." His dad said, eventually. "She might find someone at some point. Are you willing to take that risk?" And just hearing the words made his heart squeeze painfully in his chest. Of course he didn't want that. Just imagining her being held by someone else physically hurt. But-

When he didn't say anything, his dad resumed.

"But if we imagine the worst and say you tell her and she doesn't feel the same…"
He paused. "… You'll be able to move on. Find someone else maybe."

Ren shook his head.

"Not right away, but later."

He shook his head again. Hating the words his father was saying.

"You can't stay in limbo forever, Son. You are allowed to happiness, just as much as her, as everyone else." Kuu said, and he could hear a point of protectiveness in his father's voice.

"You don't understand, Dad." He stopped, rubbing his face, trying to compose himself, despite how painful of a turn the conversation had taken.

"Then, tell me."

"There will be no other one. It's her or no one."

"Son…"
The sadness that peeked oh-so-slightly in that one word pronounced by his dad, was more crushing to him than any other things he could have said.

"I don't want to move on, Dad… Even if she never feels the same."

His father sighed.

"It's not that I don't understand but – … I still have to tell you. If that situation were to happen – Lord knows, I hope not – , it would not be healthy. Nor for you, neither for her."

"I know…"

He felt obliged to add when his father remained silent after that.

"I've been considering never telling her, recently. And just be happy with what we have."

He saw his dad look and lifted a hand.

"Only sometimes. And not because I'm afraid," he said before nuancing, "It would be hypocrite to say a part of me does not fear losing her, of course. Or doesn't feel possessive sometimes. But at the centre of it, it is something else."

"I'm just not sure it is worth it. It is my most precious relationship. Even if I wish for more. I'm not sure that 'potential more' is worth risking what is already there. A part of me feel like I'm not looking at the present, at how precious what we have already is, by looking at a future I wish for."

"Our friendship is something I want to protect, something worth fighting for. And I don't want egoistic feelings to damage that."Ren finished with, after a couple of seconds.

Kuu remained quiet for so long Ren thought he didn't want to voice his thoughts anymore, if not for his expression and the heaviness he could feel emitted.

"This would be a truly painful path to walk, Kuon," he began after a careful time, "One I'd wish you won't take."

"And things never stay frozen, something would inevitably change, one way or another."He added. "But even if it didn't, it would mean you give up trying on making this very present better. And it would mean you would not give a possibility for things to be different, anymore. Most of all, it would be a decision taken on the postulate she cannot feel anything, something we established you couldn't prove just like that."
Ren could hear the truth in his dad's words, and a part of him felt happy he didn't have more arguments to resonate with himself until he would give up. Because, if he was fully honest, he didn't. He just felt desperate. And out of options. And in no way closer to touch her heart.

His father looked at him for a long minute. Then he declared.

"You don't mean that, not truly. You don't want to give up, you just feel lost."

Ren grimaced. How his father could succeed into understanding him so well, even as he was figuring it himself, when years have passed without seeing each other, was beyond him.

"How did you even – "
"My son? Giving up on the possibility of being with his girl? Just after telling me he would never be able to move on? Not possible."

He barely contained his delight at the phrasing of his father. God did he love to imagine Kyoko as his girl.

"I tried everything, Dad. Everything I could think of, but telling her. And you are right, I can't bring myself to give up, not even if I only had one out of trillion chances with her."

He let his head hit the wall, the relief it was cushioned crossing his mind afterwards when he realized how hard he had hit it.

"It's like she branded me…" He murmured.

His dad took a deep breath.

"… You know, not all scenarios are bad if you do tell her and her first reaction is 'no'."

Ren lifted a brow at his father.

"Now you lost me. What do you mean by that?"
Kuu smiled, though it was quite sheepish.

"Well, of course, there are the worst cases. But there are more than a couple that turns out not too badly."
His son frowned at him and stayed silent, waiting for him to continue. He could not imagine scenarios that went even alright.

"First, she could say no, and you could be both a bit awkward at first and she could need some distance, but you would remain friends." His father started, lifting a finger. "You know her way better than me, obviously, but to me, it doesn't seem like she would be the kind to tear you out of her life if she didn't. At least, based on what I witnessed yesterday. Or do you think she would?"

"I – ."But he had to stop to think for a moment. He was pretty sure she didn't feel the same but would she cut ties with him if she learned about what he felt?

"Maybe… No?"

That was pushing it a step too far. Even knowing how awkward she could be with this sort of stuff in the past.

"I think she would feel really awkward and would not know how to act anymore with me, maybe. But I don't think she would completely – ."

His dad smiled.

"That makes things much easier, no?"

"How so?"

"Because it means we are looking at the worst-case scenario, and she would still be in your life, right?

Put like that… He guessed.

Kuu lifted two fingers.

"Second option. You become as close as you two were before you told her," he said. "It is the most cruel one for you because it would feel like she doesn't care at all."

Doesn't seem that cruel if I get to be as I am right now with her. He thought.

"But it is also the most unlikely to happen." His father said.

"Why?"

"Because I can't see Kyoko-chan be that insensitive, especially after how aware she was of what you felt when you spoke to us."

He truly enjoyed it way too much to know Kyoko picked on his every mood, even the ones he didn't want her to notice. Though, it was truly a wonder she didn't pick on the feelings she evoked in him in that setting.

"Third option, she could say she doesn't know because she is unsure of what she feels, then you could propose her to try things out to discover that."

Man, his father was bad, he was really starting to bring his hopes up with all those way too positive options, even after a 'no.

He just nodded grimly. Not fully convinced that would be possible, but admitting it was not utterly impossible either.

His dad lifted a fourth finger.

"Last one and most positive of the rejection ones, we would say" – he grinned at him at that and Ren ignored how he managed to pull a smile out of him even talking about this – , "she said no because she persuaded herself it can't work out between the two of you but she is actually attracted to you, or even has feelings for you."

His son gaped at him.

"You can't be serious?"

His dad shrugged at him and Ren had the sudden understanding of why Kyoko was sometimes annoyed when he did this to her.

"You can't deny it would be a viable possibility," his father said, cutting him with more words before he could protest. "Kyoko-chan is charming but I have eyes. And it is very visible. I would even say it would be visible to a stranger than spent more than five minutes with her… Her self-confidence is not at the top."
He had nothing to say to this. In his opinion, it was far worse than that. And despite his efforts, every praise and compliment were a struggle to be accepted by her, let alone acknowledged as the truth.

"Seeing your grim face, it is even worse than I can fathom…"

Ren grimaced and gave a reluctant nod. As much as it pained him to admit it. And it did. The mere idea she was unable to see how wonderful and incredible she was, was painful to him. And seeing it when he was with her was far worse. He always had the urge to shake her, make her see. Or kiss her senseless until she could not utter such ridiculous nonsense.

"And then… There is the fair possibility of a yes, you know."

His father's words made him came back to earth and he looked at him with a lost stare, not getting it before it had the sense to gather his thoughts enough to wrap his mind with what his dad had been saying. Led away by the image of a kiss with her, it was a struggle to focus.

And the moment he did, his father waggled his eyebrows, making him roll his eyes.

"I don't know what you were thinking about, Son, but if you could pay attention, I was saying there is also a chance she would reciprocate."
His son sighed.

"And how is there a fair possibility of that?" He asked, crossing back his elbows to stare at his father.

His dad snorted, mirroring his stance.

"Were you not listening this whole time?"

He frowned.

"I was."

"Then, don't give me that superior stupid stare."

His lips tipped but he shook his head.

"It is not that simple, Dad."

A huge hand ruffled his hair all of sudden, and he swatted at it, trying to avoid it.

"Hey!"

But Kuu retreated with a grin, and stretched up his arms like a cat before rising. He shook his legs a couple of times once standing and smiled back at his son.

"It never has been, silly. But think about it … telling her might be a good idea. You have your fair share of good outcomes."

Ren bent his legs and pushed, standing without the help of his hands.

"Show-off." Grumbled his dad, making Ren laughed.

"It's just a good way to stretch too."

His father harrumphed.

"Now, come help me train some more."

"Yes, Dad."

He replied, tone overly cheerful and a tad mocking. Because, despite his doubts and incertitudes and remaining pain, the warmth he had in his chest following this conversation would not leave him. And he knew he would cherish this moment between them, as one of his first grown-up talks with his father, for a long while. No matter if what they spoke about came fruitful or not with his relationship with Kyoko. He would treasure this. He could also see the wisdom it contained enough to know it would help him in ways he did not even realize. But right now, he was just grateful. So grateful.

"Dad," He called out and his father, who was stretching some more – as their bodies had cooled off while they talked – pivoted. "Thank you"-he smiled at him – "I will think about it."

His father returned his smile with one that appeared incomprehensibly touched. Excessively so even.

"Glad I can still be useful."He said, voice tinted with roughness.

Oh.

Guilt crushed his insides and he paused, wondering what he could say that would share how absurd that was. He bent his arms above his head for a second, and carefully he gave his father an expression that he hoped transmitted all the affection he had for him.

"… Now, who is being silly?"

Kuu nodded but turned away in quiet.

Then they returned to the stunts, and the atmosphere alleviated once more.

They trained like that until they heard the motor of his mother's car from outside, sign that the girls had returned.

End of chapter

PS: Hello everyone… I know, it has been a while. January was a mess I'd rather have it packed and sent back to its sender. It was a dreary month and I'm still sick right now.

But in any case, I hope you are all having a much better month than me. With of new wonders and opportunities and love and care. I hope it is not too cold where you live or that you can enjoy the snow if it is.

I hope you will love this new chapter, it was a rather intense one to write. Perfecting it was tough. So, I truly hope you will appreciate it.

It was fun to write this whole discussion between father and son, but so tough so get this right. Not too cheesy, not too cold. And awkwardness to bout.

I sweated a lot to find the equilibrium.

I hope I managed it.

I'm sending you much love and light as we hope for spring coming back soon, and I hope I'll be able to post again soon.

Kisses to you all,

Have a good 'Vain Day for the ones celebrating it. And for the bachelors here, let's stuff ourselves with chocolate, we deserve it.

Kisses.

Mimagfan.

AUTHOR OUT.