CHAPTER 119
I do not own Skip Beat! Yoshiki Nakamura does.
~~Magical Summer trip ~~
~~ part 25~~
~~Acquaintances of the past~~
Part 2
They had barely returned to their parked car, and were sitting inside, but Kyoko could not help the look of worry she granted Ren, as she glanced at him from the corner of the eye. On the forefront, he appeared alright. But she could see beyond that, the sheer exhaustion that had begun to sneak by him, most likely brought by the emotional rush he just had.
"You okay? Do you want to call it a day?"
Her voice enquired eventually after one more minute, and in the silence of the end of afternoon, inside the vehicle, her just made-out tone carried away like it had been shouted, proof being, how he jumped on the instant he heard it.
He whipped his face in her direction in a sudden movement, but it was like he was still not seeing her. Lost in his thoughts, yet, on his face she witnessed such an intense stunned relief, as if he had not even thought a positive outcome was in his grasp, and she could not repress her smile. She could only brush what her imagination was permitting her to envision as the amount of anxiety and resent and sorrow he must have carried over himself, and the situation as he worried for Tina during all those years.
"I-I guess I am," he replied, letting out a shocked chuckle, "… Surprisingly."
"I'm glad." She said. There were more words to say. None that mattered now, however.
He rubbed at his neck, making it crack a bit, and rolled his shoulders off the tension.
"Gosh…" He added after a while, dropping back his head against the top seat, making her smile a bit as he let out, "I was so afraid of rubbing salt in an old wound … but … she truly seems better."
"A little too much, in my opinion." Kyoko grumbled out, before grimacing and lifting a hand over her lips as she turned to the shocked expression of Ren. "Sorry."
He paused as he stared at her for an instant.
"You don't like her."He stated that as an affirmation, and she shook her head.
"I don't know her enough to not like her."
"She went through a lot, you know."
Kyoko nodded. She wasn't denying the woman must have seen hell. The mere idea of what it must have been to lose the man she loved right in front of her, and to hold his body in her arms, her respiration caught in her chest and she shuddered as the vision of Ren's own body replaced the one of a stranger. That sort of pain… The idea felt like a knife ripping her into two. Life sucked out of her from her very core from what brought her the most joy, the most love. It revolted her to such a level she thought she might pass out if she entertained the thought too long.
She had much compassion for Tina, truly, despite her annoyance. But feeling this and her behaviour to Ren were two different things. It was not she was really blaming her. The poor woman must have been out of her mind with grief at the time, and that she would have found a target to accuse, was something she could understand as human. Not fair, or wise, or good, but human.
"I can't fathom how much pain she must have felt." She added carefully, forced to speak when she saw the insistence of Ren's stare, but not wanting to grieve him with her words further, or bring back a guilt that might be appeasing as they spoke. "But I can imagine it must have been … atrocious, and I can't help but feel sorry she lived that."
Ren gave her a relieved look, as if he had expected that response out of her, and she felt a tad guilty for not being able to get rid of her irritation. He frowned.
"But you are still annoyed with her."
Kyoko sighed and crossed her arms, looking through the side window and away from him.
"Why?"
"Because."
"Tell me."
She didn't want to. She felt petty and not in her place to feel this way, even in the middle of an inability to feel otherwise.
"Just because." She settled with.
"Kyoko… If it is something she told you earlier that – "
"What? No. No, of course not!" She shifted in her seat swiftly, startled, and added without thinking, "I'm pissed at what she said to you in the past!"
She groaned inwardly. Damn herself. She had meant to keep that in.
"To me?"
Kyoko collected her breath, and quieted her emotions after her outburst, softly, her mouth formed new words.
"It's not that I don't empathize or even don't understand why she could have reacted that way, but that doesn't mean what she said at the time sit well with me."
He looked puzzled for a second there, his expression at an utter lost to what she meant. Until, finally, it connected. She could see it in his eyes. The moments he got her meaning.
"You don't mean – … when – "
She cut him with a sharp nod to prevent him to force himself to pronounce the rest of his words. That is why she didn't want him to know. It would inevitably make him think of that, again. And he was barely going out of a tough conversation about it.
"… She was grieving."He said, after an instant. He looked sad.
"I know."
"She can't really be blamed for how she reacted, Kyoko." He continued, a little hard. Or frustrated? She was not sure.
"I know."
She repeated. But slipped in a low but strict tone, looking dead into his eyes. "But I also know how much her words hurt you, and how deep of an impact they had. I cannot just look past that so easily."
"Kyoko…" He attempted, voice muted from its former power as comprehension came, as well as warmth, and she sighed out her anger, before continuing.
"To say I resent her would be taking it too far, as I perfectly know from where it ebbed on." She told him with a kinder tone, " … but I really wished she would have been able not to say those things to you. And that she would not have blamed you."
And for a second she stared desperately in his eyes, furrowing her brows at her frustration and hurt for him reached its peak.
"Because you didn't deserve that!"
"…"
To say he had no link whatsoever to it would be pushing it, she knew. But there was a world between responsibility over the death of someone, and the fact a friend that knew and cared for you, chose to risk their life because they did, and unfortunately lost it. Otherwise, just knowing a person would make you responsible each time something happened to the person you knew if said person decided they cared enough to take risks for you. Life's threatening or not.
She tightened her fists, it was one thing to feel upset, but she didn't want to bring him back into a bad place. Still, she could not help her thought. He was the last person who would have wished for it to happen… And she was pretty sure he would have taken his place any chance he would have been given during the five years that followed his friend's death. And he was the one to blame himself the most!
She closed her eyes, holding back words she knew would only bring him more sorrow over past events he couldn't change. She took a couple of deep breaths.
"… So, yes. I know Tina-san doesn't deserve it, but I can't help but blaming her a little for her past words … and for resenting you." She added once she was calmer. She took more inspirations in, and threaded her fingers through her hair. Way to go, Kyoko. As if he needed this, right now. When he was already facing such painful memories. "Sorry." She let out, and hit her head against the seat, pissed at herself for her lack of control.
" … it appeared she doesn't resent me anymore … after all."He commented oh-so-softly.
She shrugged, still looking ahead and away from a stare she knew was looking in her direction.
"For resenting you in the past, then."
After a minute, when he said nothing, she could not help but let more words out. As she still refused to look his way.
"I'm not saying it is logical, no, in fact, it is irrational. I know that." She sighed. "But I'm still pissed she hurt you so much with her words."
She felt the weight of his gaze but he continued to say nothing, and she messed her hair in a frantic fashion for a second.
" … I'm sorry, Ren. I know it isn't my place … and… I'm sorry…"
" … I'm – … I'm honestly not sure I would not have been pissed she had hurt you … even if you had deserved the words…"She mumbled eventually, in the silence of the slightly too hot car.
She huffed at herself in the overbearing quietness of the vehicle, wrapping her limbs on herself further. Why could she not have locked her protectiveness away when he really didn't need it? Those feelings truly drove her nuts, sometimes.
" … sorry… Sorry."
It was too hard. She felt as if he was judging her with his silence, and guilt was nibbling away her countenance. If she had hurt him with her words, she would never forgive herself.
A soft sound came out, then. Barely perceptible. Rumbling a little. Soothing. And as it swelled, to her surprise, her ear registered it as a form of amusement. A laugh. But it was like the life of it had been wisped out, and she wondered if it was the reason her mind hadn't perceived it. Because the rumble dropped in a deaf airy way. Muted by its defeat.
"… I really… I really can't…"He murmured in a humbled breathy tone mirroring his amusement. And she wondered why he sounded so much like he had been ruined and bested by an incredible foe, for one instant. Just before letting a gasping squeak of surprise.
When Ren abruptly lifted her from the passenger seat, as he slipped an arm under her thighs and another around her waist, to drop her straight onto his lap.
She was so startled by the suddenness of it all, she failed to process what was happening, until she felt her cheek being placed right into the hole of his neck, and her brain computed she was in his arms.
"What – … Ren, you – "
But he wrapped his arms tighter around her back, and his scent waffled to her nose, relaxing her against her will. She felt his lips atop her head, pecking her, and her skin heated up as she took awareness of the situation she was in.
" … what are you doing?" She mumbled lightly. Too soothed to have any bite, despite her surprise, and how bad she knew it was for her.
"Hugging you."
She could nearly feel the shrug just by the intonation of his voice.
" … why now?"
She managed to stand back to look at him.
"You just grabbed me like I was a … a … a stuffed animal and dropped me in your lap!"
She was really ready to lecture him, this time. He was really being overly affectionate these days. But their gazes met. And her words cloaked her throat helpless, as he lifted his index and middle finger to glide along her cheek, to push back a few disarray strands.
His eyes seemed lost, yet they swallowed her whole.
She read his words on his lips before her ears made them out, as the weight of gratitude pushed out reversely proportional to the featherlike touch two short words could be, as he pronounced them.
"I'm an adult, though, it's not you that have to protect me." He continued in a murmur. "And it's true I have my share of my responsibility in this."
She shot him a pained angry glare, and she hit his chest lightly.
"I really wished you would stop seeing this that way, because it is not true. That's why I'm pissed at her." She pursued. Maybe if she hadn't said this, he would have a less of a hard time fully letting go of it. He seemed to understand her train of thoughts because a gentle smile traced its way on his lips. His hands lifted and found their way against her cheeks, engulfing them in their warmth, their roughness against her skin soothing her and tuning her like an instrument ready to be played. She contained a purr. He was looking at her so tenderly, it was her mind, her eyes, her every fibre of being.
"I think I would have drawn the same conclusions, even if she hadn't said it out loud, you know." He admitted in the same tone. She couldn't say he was wrong with that, she knew him, and he knew himself. And no matter how much he knew himself, it didn't mean he wouldn't have put the blame on him. He just had too many reasons he could use and excuses to do so.
She sighed, and looked away.
"Maybe…"
"But it might have made things easier for you if she hadn't…"She grumbled.
Then, she felt his forehead as he leaned over her own, tapping into it. And when she looked up, he wouldn't let go of her stare. Carefully, as he was afraid to scare her, his thumbs rubbed her cheeks. Once. Twice.
"Since when are you this protective of me, huh?"
She coloured as realization hit her, and she blinked a couple of times to give her some composure, but didn't really have time to think, and on a spur, replied with a fire.
"Who else? Someone should have your back, after all."She added with a slow grin.
Touched shock shined in his eyes for an instant, before he closed them and he dropped his head on her shoulder, switching his arms again to wrap himself around her, once more.
She was about to ask what was it now – desperately trying to distract her body from the awesome sensations of their closeness – but he anticipated it as he said.
"Hugs help."
"Truthfully? Not pulling my leg?"
He snorted.
"Yours, always."
She frowned, doubting her own hugs were that good. But she was not about to question it. Not if it helped him.
Carefully, slowly, she slipped her arms around his torso and hugged him, hoping it would soothe and heal his old wounds. If only a little.
And if he was surprised by her reaction, he didn't show it. But she felt him relax some more after a while, bringing her in it with him.
Minutes passed and she lost track of time. Until he released her, lifting her in smooth move over the hand gear to place her back in her seat, and telling her he didn't wish to go back home right away, if she was still interested in eating out. And when a quick glance to his face confirmed a somewhat appeased expression, she had fewer scruples accepting, hoping he truly felt better and that today would be another step for him to let go of the past.
§§§
They reached the place they would dine – a restaurant his parents had recommended to them if they stayed out late – half an hour later, just when the evening was starting, and Ren parked the car a little away. The site of the restaurant was situated by the marina so there was no room to park close, as he told her when they exited the car.
They strolled their way there. And as Kyoko admired the huge boats, their sails and the tiny sailing ships swaying under the rush of sneaky gusts, she took note how active the marina was, filled with people passing by, despite the evening hour. It wasn't that late either, but ships tended to all shore in, in San Francisco, past six pm. Or, that what she had usually seen.
A lot of kids of all ages were sprinting the sides, and that's when she was reminded it was Summer, and later schedules were certainly in appliances right now. She didn't have the time to ponder further, however, because suddenly they were in front of a restaurant called Planta Cocina, and going in.
Ren had shared with her his parents telling him, they had discovered this restaurant barely two years ago, and that it was quite new, and promoted vegan food through Mexican and Japanese food, mostly.
But her main impression upon entering … was that it was humongous.
A vast eight metres-something large hall stretched all the way in to the back entrance. And starting from the front one, and as Ren led the way further in, she took note of several short side corridors leading to rooms that appeared just as huge and contained what seemed to be just as much booths and tables than the front area. The place was not filled to the rim, fortunately, as she noticed at least a fifth of tables empty, but there were many customers, nonetheless. Which made Ren propose to explore a bit until a waiter could be available to propose them a table. She agreed with a smile, admiring the arches they walked under – numerous as they were – as they served as theoretical junctions of different parts of the restaurant, or as load-bearing curved ceilings. When they did not serve directly as open path doors to other rooms. She was also in awe at how high they stood above them, the roofs so far higher she had to crane her neck to see it properly. There were even an outside part, both in a covered veranda and uncovered terrace, and stairs leading to a lush second floor.
The next thought that came to her mind was that it was quite illuminated, both by the many lights contouring the bars, counters, and other areas by the light coming from many head to toe windows and the opposite glass entrances. It was also colourful. The bricks of the arches were all painted in a vibrant deep green and she could see pot plants set around a little everywhere where they went, suspended to the walls and ceilings too. The tiny roofs above the bars had fake green vines. Light and off-white couches and seats continued to give luminous tones, surrounded by beige to very light cinnamon walls in some sections, or even pure white woody walls in others.
They explored some more until a waiter eventually came to them, and Ren asked if they could have a spot a bit quieter, the waiter led them around a corner of the white wood tones area, to a half-moon booth. They settled down, and soon after bringing them water, the waiter left them to peruse the menu.
They knew none of the meals proposed, though they could recognize some by the inspiration behind, or how they were tweaked. Nonetheless, she was quite impressed by the originality of them, and the chefs' capabilities to reinvent dishes to make them vegan. She was also glad for the artful pictures representing the plates under the glazed paper, knowing not all restaurants did this. It gave Kyoko an idea of the size and what it could look like. A statement quite fitting she thought warned – as the meals were composed of many vegetables and not that big – , it might be less filling, and to take it into account before ordering. Without the pictures, she might have wondered if it were a way to make people order more but seeing them, she could see why the restaurant had taken the time to write that down. Though, she knew with the bird appetite Ren had, he would have no trouble with that, and might even be quite happy about it. She frowned. There was no way she would make him order more than one meal with the risk of him paying once again, however. It might even be good if she ate lightly for the evening, anyway.
She didn't have the occasion to proceed with her thoughts when Ren – ever the gentleman – proposed to take three dishes, one for each and one they would share. He added that, like that, the one with more appetite would have the bigger portion of the third plate. She wanted to protest, knowing it would most likely be her eating it all, and there was no need, but he had already read her thoughts, it seemed. He continued saying if he didn't propose that, he knew she would have not dared to ask to take more for herself.
Her grumble at him knowing her too well died in her threat at his soft knowing eyes, and she caved. The ended up taking four ahi watermelon nigiri with what they had planned, too curious of what it could taste like. Then settled for two udon truffle noodles, and lettuce wraps of tofu and mushrooms, crispy rice noodles and lemongrass for the dish they would share. Which was perfect, as you could confection the wraps yourself.
Kyoko was distracted for meal thoughts when her gaze settled on Ren. She had thought him pale in the car already, but it seemed worse now. She could do nothing about the emotional exhaustion he was surely feeling – she pushed his glass of water towards him – but he was also rubbing his temple, and she wondered if he had drunk enough today. That she could help with. It might not have been the hottest day of summer you could have, but it still had been pretty hot. And he had spent his day showing her around, driving her left and right, and even making tricks with the skateboard and helping her learn the basics. Adding the stress of meeting Tina-san, and she was sure it could be the dreadful drop of 'too much', perfect to start a migraine.
"You don't look so good." She said when he lifted his eyes to her.
His eyes softened at her, but even that looked a tad dim.
"I'm just a little tired."
The fact he didn't try to deny it or brush it off as nothing only made her worry more.
"Drink." She said.
"I'm – "
"Drink."She repeated sternly.
He obeyed and she spoke as he emptied it diligently.
"Emotional stress itself would dehydrate you, but you also spent your time driving and going from one place to another."
She smiled at him.
"It was still pretty hot today, and the only time we bought water – well, technically, you did – , you barely drank a third of the amount I took."
She took the pitcher the moment his glass was void of water, and filled it again as understanding settled on his face.
"You don't want a bad headache. Drink."
He followed her order with a smile, but she didn't let him go until he had emptied his third glass.
"I won't have room for the meal at this rate." He joked just as she filled her own glass with water.
"See, I'll tag along too, and you will. It will be absorbed by the time the plates will come. Nice try escaping eating again."
She drank a second glass as he chuckled a bit and leaned back in his seat.
"Now, close your eyes and rest for a few minutes."
"What if the waiter comes?"
"I can give them our order."She replied in such a 'why-is-this-even-a-question', tone he smiled again.
"Okay," he started and if he hadn't already closed his eyes, she would have noticed the mischief in them, "but only if I can rest my head on your shoulder."
She gaped at him, partially glad he was able to tease her again because he meant he was getting better, and she could already see his face had recovered some colour. But they were in a restaurant, it was not really polite to – … Oh, to hell with it. Who would criticize them? And she cared more about his health than his teasing. Plus, it would be satisfying to see his startled face when she would agree, knowing it had most likely been only taut, and not a real suggestion from him.
"Fine. Go on."
Her pleasure at his surprise was short-lived, however, as the shock turned to her when he so eagerly comply, vacated his chair and plopped down on the couch on her right. And without more preamble, he set his head on her right shoulder, sighing subtlety as he did.
"Thank you."
They stayed like that as he rested, until she saw the waiter was slowly trudging his way towards them, taking other orders along his progression.
"How are you feeling?"She enquired softly and she felt movement when he lifted his head from her, and after a few blinks, he smiled at her.
"Much better. You were absolutely right, by the way. The water helped tremendously."
Kyoko smiled back and noticing the waiter was almost at their table, she picked back the menu, only to realize they hadn't chosen what they might want to sip on. At least, she had forgotten, anyway.
"Give me a second, I didn't pick a drink."She asked, turning the menu to its recto to see the numerous drinks they proposed.
"Ah. I didn't either, actually." Ren said, grabbing his own glazed sheet to pick something.
She quickly discovered they had invented quite fun names to some of their beverages, and chose one she knew a bit just by the title, and that seemed without alcohol. Kombucha Mojito. She guessed the kombucha must be replacing the usual rum they put in. Apparently, she was not the only one that was seduced by the cute names because Ren picked one that was called Lych Please, as she discovered, when they gave their order. He returned to his seat afterwards and their drinks arrived soon.
Kyoko didn't know yet, but that is when the evening veered to an interesting twist.
Their dinner went by easily, the food – which was excellent – was wiped out and easy to digest, even for Ren. She was doubly glad for that, nonetheless that he looked quite recovered. She was also pleasantly astonished by the drinks, very colourful, and her own quite sweet and sparkling. Having never tried kombucha personally before, she didn't have reference points, but she knew it tended to sparkle, based on bottles she had seen in stores. She enjoyed the slight bitterness it left behind, and that's naturally that, when Ren – noticing their empty glasses – proposed her a second one, she accepted. But before they could be served, he suggested going in the veranda giving on the marina, and after her nod, they stood, going to the counter to warn the waiter, and mostly, ask if it was okay.
Hearing this, their waiter recommended them to go up floors, onto the balconies, as he said the scenery was most beautiful when the lights of the habitations reflected on the wavering waters and the sails of the boats. He advised the third floor, not the second one, stating it might still be crowded, and Ren thanked him with a generous tip as he said they would have their drinks there.
They were just reaching the second floor, walking through some corridors to get to the flight leading further up when Ren froze.
§§§
After downing her second Manhattan, preceded by a bloody Mary, she paced herself by eating the snacks proposed in front of her, ripping the salty biscuits into smaller pieces as she ordered a Margarita, just so she could see those crumble, before snatching them with the aperitif peak. Her fight left her when a sigh escaped from her light bourbon-coloured lips. The words still rang in her ears, and it has been already been three months.
It was the first relationship she had ever invested herself since … him.
The man had been sweet and patient, if a tad boring, and after her preceding disasters – truly, calling her previous attempts relationships would be a downright farce – , it had been refreshing. Before she knew it, she had lowered her guard, and started to look forward to see him, to smile when he would come pick her up, to think about him outside of the moments they were together…
She didn't think she had been in love.
Not yet.
But she had been close. So close of letting him in. Had they spent a couple more weeks with each other, she was wondering if she would have been. The only reason a smidgen of distance had remained was due to the lack of time in the comfort of their own homes, as they would always see each other outside. And she had not wanted to trust him fully before seeing how he acted in the privacy of his home. Not after the debacles of the other times. Not without being sure it was not just a facade.
Looking back, it made her feel double relief she had not made an advance move, and proposed to go to his home or hers. At least, those were untouched.
Because, early on the day she was about to propose him just that, as she was commuting from an appointment spot to another with a client, she had crossed paths with him, in the venue of a famous hotel, just as she was dropping the client off. He had not been alone. But kissing full mouth a slim brunette. They walked on the side of each other and he had ignored her all through.
The moment she decided to confront his guts, not only had he not even acknowledge her existence in his life, he insulted her in so many ways, doubting the very possibility of him ever looking at her twice, just thinking the words made her want to barf.
She dropped her head and her luscious light-lilac locks fell forward, the curliness of them bouncing and tickling her nose, and the purple shades caught the lights standing above her, making them a little too much for her blurred-by-tears vision.
Why did it have to be this way? Why? Why? Why?
Why couldn't she be happy? Why couldn't she find someone to settle with? Someone to understand each other with? To support each other with?
There were plenty of attractive people in her world, but none interest her.
More importantly, none moved her. She didn't think she was the most amazing but she was beautiful and she had skills both in her job and in her daily life she knew how to use. She had a blossomed career in modelling and one in managing new talents just starting. So, why?
Why could she find no one to suit her?
Her mind kept coming back to him.
She knew it was ridiculous. She knew so well how absurd it was. She knew all too well. But he had been the only one to move her.
It was not she hadn't tried. It was not even she was still in love.
But this feeling. This elation she had felt, this trust, this safety, this affection, she had felt it for no one else. Despite her efforts. It is like she had been branded.
She truly hated the feeling.
How dumb was it?
She didn't feel it was exactly that, but anyone… Anyone she would have confided into … without a doubt … would have told her the same thing. That she was hung up on a teen love. And lord knew they had not been meant for each other at the time. She had been the one to dump him for goodness' sake!
He had been fifteen and her seventeen. And she had realized soon enough the depth of their feelings differed. Despite her hopes and attempts at making him see her differently. She had been heartbroken at the time, but she knew. She knew she was not the one for him.
That, and so often, he had appeared to be lost in an ocean of darkness, a bottomless despair brewing with rage hidden at the rim of his gaze. Replaced by the void numbness, can only provide, at times.
She had tried to help, to pull, to shake him, to do something, anything. If it could help him. But it had been like her fingertips didn't even make a ripple on the surface of the flood that was drowning him.
Yet.
Yet, despite her clear inability to help him. Despite the gap between them. The distance she felt, filled with what was lacking. Always, always. She could touch that. That invisible lack of something she longed to be there. That should have been. But could not.
Despite everything he could not do, everything that was not.
She had never received more care and gentleness. Comprehension. Ha, she laughed internally. And as unimaginable as it could be, maturity was also there. Rough on the edge, tinted with bitterness. Maybe not even everywhere. Maybe not the capability of taking a step back from a situation yet. But it was there. She had seen him struggled so many times, or heard words of it, even though he barely uttered of whisper of his troubles, if ever.
But in many ways, especially his companionship and attentiveness, he had been – by far – more mature than any man she had met afterwards. If there were one thing she missed, it might be that.
And it made her resent every other man of the earth for not being able to be better than a teenage boy she had met years ago, and had been depressed to bout.
She put two slips of twenty dollars on the counter as she downed the rest of her Margarita, because really the barmaid had kept bringing her free delightful snacks, as if he knew she was not going to stop easily tonight.
She grabbed her plate of new snacks after asking for a new Margarita and said she would take it in the free couch barely metres away from there. She needed a comfier place to sit. She didn't exclude she would finish the night in no condition to walk, even if she still had some margin. More so with the snacks.
She was carefully sipping her second glass, enjoying the bite the lime left afterwards when her eyes glazed over the room surrounding her, searching for echoes of her own turmoils, someone that resembled her. Someone she could connect with. Even as her own thoughts made her scoff as the cliché she was being.
But … it was fine. Anything was fine. Anything.
Anything that would make her feel less lonely. The second floor was slowly vacating, and here and there, she noticed spots otherwise occupied that were now left empty. A cute couple even in the middle of leaving. Her eyes got attracted to a family merrily chatting away in a corner and pushing back their chairs, as a little boy dragged what she supposed was his dad – complaining he was too slow – to accelerate in the direction of the stairs leading down. Her gaze followed the happy family with envy as they bypassed people coming from the opposite direction. Staring at the little boy level as her gaze had been, she only raised it back as he disappeared behind the corner, nearly jumping into the flight of stairs.
Leaping to her throat in a flutter, her heart started an abrupt staccato from sheer shock as her body hardened like stone's block. Stuck between the impossible probability of what her eyes were seeing and flashes of a past, that akin, more to nostalgic dreams than to reality.
As if gloriously erupted from her corrupted thoughts at the will of her bitterness, the sear of a faded mark burned, in mirror with the scorch of his sight, even as her heart got haunted with the past and present truth. His unreachable heart, an ashen taste she recognized from its familiar flavour. To say she was stunned wouldn't even begin to cover her mixed emotions. She had felt concerned over him after hearing rumours over the years, wondered sometimes where he had disappeared and hoped for his well-being. She felt joyous getting the chance to see him again. She felt frustrated of what had been unavoidable in the past. She felt anger directed at herself for feeling all that. Knowing it depicted a lack of complete closure, she had been deigning to pretend to have.
A smile she ignored he had even possessed was gracing his lips, as stood a person she never dare to hope meeting again. The very boy that had raised her expectations of men to acutely unfair standards. Kuon Hizuri.
No boy was left of the man standing in front of her bewildered eyes, however. Shed like annoying cobwebs, an impressive stature stood in his stead.
The boy she had dated when he was fifteen had already been eighty and one metre if her memory wasn't betraying her. He looked much taller now. He was what? Eight more? Ten? No. He was at least fifteen centimetres more. She ought to know, she was supposed to determine the potential models for qualifications, after all.
His shoulders were unfairly broader, and she felt a slim amount of pity for the less blessed male population, even knowing he was surely keeping himself in shape for it too.
His features were sharper, defined in smooth angles. The last remains of the little gangly gait he used to have to smooth down – as a consequence to a fast splurge growth and all – had been lost. A natural lean grace was leading his every step, sure and unhurried but confident.
Yet, to her, the most impressive was none of those changes. It was the ease with which he moved, unguarded. No vigilance and alert seeped into his stance. The poise and casualness of his steps shared so much serenity.
Was it really Kuon? The Kuon she used to date?
She couldn't see his eyes, ignored how much shadows remained in them. But that smile…
To say a boy will transform into a man was the natural course of events…
But at this level… It was art. The crafting palette of brushes had brought out such masculine refined lushness in the shape of a man.
She was standing, she didn't know since when it happened, in the microseconds since she saw him. But she was standing. She closed her mouth with a light snap. Unable to make a move, a sound. Shock and bafflement still present in her every cell… Her mind was assaulted with rusty but lascivious memories of the past that -in the presence of his a little too appealing adult appearance – made her forget all about the harsh outcome it got – … until she saw him point with his thumb to a direction.
For the first time since she noticed him, she locked her eyes away from his overwhelming figure, and took note of the person by his side. Her mouth was too prone to breach again, as she finally paid attention to the feminine figure by his side.
She knew the fright of seeing him had quite probably kicked her out of her induced half-drunk state, so, she was positive it was not that made her daze remain. And with it a new feeling coiled inside.
The girls he had been surrounded with had always been pretty. Before and after her. While she had never known if he did one-night encounters at the time, and had never truly wanted to know, she might question if he would have needed to, as, like her, most girls used to spend no amount of efforts to shift things to more than just a casual fling and propose him to date. And if she could not pretend to remember all of them, her teen life had been colourful and bright and was part of the moments she recollected the most. So, she remembered some. And she had even the arrogance of feeding her ego she was part of those pretty girls too. She was a little over seventy and one metre, kept herself in good shape, had plenty of curves, and knew how to make standout her features with just the right styles and makeup. Her blue eyes and the brightness of her hair colour helping. She was not a model for nothing, after all. It was part of her job.
Nonetheless, shaking the ruins of her calm, exasperation and frustration were expanding to unprecedented amounts.
Never before had she seen a woman manifest such casual grace with so little efforts. She was taller and a tad younger than her to bout, but that was not even a scratch to everything else, that irked her very soul right now. The woman was only wearing thin jeans and a light blue shirt, while she was wearing a primed dress in black tones, a colour which could not fault. Simple and elegant. Efficient. Just sexy enough to appeal, with threads crossing several times around cleavage and collarbones. Yet, why did it make her feel like she was the bland one? Why – oh why – did she feel so inadequate right now?
The golden locks of her was flowing freely, way long, but not worked on and she had discreet sneakers. But the worst. The worst was, she wasn't even wearing makeup. She wished she could fool herself and pretend it she must have been wearing some, but she could see it. They had even made more steps forward, so she could not even blame the distance anymore.
Yet, no scar, not a blemish, nothing. And her new job to pick what sort of people would make good models could see. It would actually do her worse if makeup were to be applied. Her professional eye continued to analyse as anger grew, concluding mascara could be her only match. Her thin discerning features, spectacular but smooth, did the rest.
It was infuriating. Vexing to the highest point. She brought to shame the women who prepped themselves for hours and worked so hard for it.
But worse again, was the sight of the two of them. Like a shard in a hope she had not even acknowledge, it nagged her.
A thought she had often had when she had dated him, was that they hadn't really fit. As human nature tended to – and as she was doing right now – , she had compared herself, analysed. To his past lovers, to his future ones, after they broke up. And she had always comforted herself, as, each time, her conclusion had been the same. No one had seemed to be a good fit for him. And as sore as it was for to admit, neither herself. And no one had seemed to stick around long. Not even when he would seem so utterly clueless about the reasons the girls would leave him. Oh yes, she had heard and knew. The reasons had always been pretty much the same. And he would have this annoying cute puzzled look – way too innocent for the looks of his – as he would accept their decision to break things off with him. Crushing both the highest to the smallest hopes, they could have had for him to react otherwise. It was adorable, in a way.
Heartbreaking in another.
But never before.
Never had she thought in the past, 'They look so cute together… They look perfect… It is like they glow when they are near each other…'
But, as much as she blamed her mind for coming with such corny lines on impulse, she had had all those thoughts. Instantly.
She just could not help it. She looked at them and she thought, 'He finally found his match.'
And then, there was that…
… When he looked at her and smiled, he-
But she crushed the thought.
Because what was beating inside her, eating her insides was the urge to fight, as, before she knew it she was forced to acknowledge the new wish that had already bloomed inside of her after seeing him.
Because it was true it failed when they were younger.
But was it wrong of her to hope maybe it was their shot? Maybe it was an opportunity to start something anew. Something fresh as adults.
There was no point mulling over it too much anyway. If she didn't attempt it, she would agonize over it forever.
She was not missing this, no matter what.
She stepped to the side of the sofa and walked in their direction. And that's when he noticed her.
§§§
The abrupt stop Ren made in his following step as he pointed with his thumb the stairs just spotted, leading to the next floor, made Kyoko pause. She lifted her gaze to him, pondering why shock – albeit discrete – had appeared, as well as something else. Nerves? Awkwardness?
She was unsure. But he didn't seem at ease.
A nearly guilty or even sad expression seemed to even slip for a second there. Before it disappeared.
In the micro moment she looked at his face, she realized he was looking at something and followed the direction of his gaze. And just as her head began to pivot, she heard him speak and footsteps tapped against the carpet.
"Shannon."He acknowledged as Kyoko's eyes landed on incredibly stylish woman closing her way to them. The woman had absolutely amazing light violet dyed hair, shining and full of curls. It reminded her of lavender, the tones of the locks looking like a mix of that flower in full blossom with those vibrant purple hues of the tiny, tiny flowers, to the lighter highlights like the pastel past season. Just when the tiny buttons have dried and are ready to be plucked to make bouquets to perfume linens or odour clothes by hiding tiny satchels of them in between. The dry lavender always in hues looking in between light violet and grey. That was those highlights were like to her, as if they were there to smooth down and embrace the more vibrant locks in an harmonious hold, so that the bright purple lilac wouldn't burn away from its power.
In contrast to the art that was her hair and on which Kyoko could not help but be ecstatic about, her criss-cross black dress was of a class elegance. Even if the dress most likely appeared more charming and seductive on her than on a slightly less curvaceous person, she couldn't help but think. The woman was not short and she wondered if it had been a miss due to a hope her height would have compensated, or if it had been on purpose. Both the dress and the restaurant they were in, could be leading on the two possibilities. The classiness of that dress would never be erased completely, no matter your body shape. Yet, depending on the latter and thanks to the cut of the dress too, you could benefit from staying graceful while gaining a glamorous sensuous edge you could have lost otherwise. But since it would never look vulgar, it would always manage to tag the boxes of chic places. It was a triple-win dress situation. But only made possible because she was both tall and voluptuous.
The woman lips stretched into a graceful warm smile when she heard Ren speaking and for some reason a pit of tension formed, deep, into the back of Kyoko's belly, clenching. It only enhanced the feeling she had had in the back of her mind as she stared at that person, now walking the last metres separating them.
All those words, but really, all she had to say was: Sumptuous.
Not many women had crossed her path that looked as gorgeous as the person slowly reaching them. She didn't come close to Julie-san, obviously, but no one could. She would have picked Kanae before too. But she was hardly objective in that particular way.
"Hi, Kuon."Her voice, as sweet as honey, greeted, and Kyoko tensed but did her best not to show it, just as she noticed the beautiful blue eyes that accentuated her features even further.
He nodded slowly.
"Hello Shannon."He said. His voice was not exactly cold – clearly he knew her – but it was certainly more so she had imagined it would be if it were an old acquaintance of his.
The woman smiled, unperturbed and turned her gaze in her direction, still smiling but it didn't prevent Kyoko to feel a chill run her spine.
"Hi – ?"
Kyoko blinked for a second before realizing she wanted her name.
"Ah. Hello. My name is Kyoko Mogami."
"Nice to meet you." The girl said, all smiles, and Kyoko replied in kind like an automate. She could feel a weird vibe coming from Ren, but she barely had the time to wonder what could have been her relationship with Ren, as the woman spoke alternatively to him, then her.
"It has been a while. Are you Kuon's new girlfriend?"
"Shannon."The warning tone of Ren, the lack of hesitation of his voice, the lack of surprise… Yet, some kind of indulgence she didn't remember hearing often from him when people were rude… The warning bells of what it could mean were all out, even as her mind still failed to put a label her unconscious might be already suspecting.
On the outside, however, Kyoko just blinked rapidly. The woman was still so straightforward it had dazzled her for one second. And for some reason, she had never wanted to elude the truth as much as now. She really didn't want to know what was their connection, yet, in some kind of morbid way, she could not, she would not. She smiled politely, and carefully, shook her head.
"I'm a friend."
The flash of surprise that briefly made an appearance in the woman's expression was so fast to vanish Kyoko wondered if she had imagined it, and a relief she did not think was false wiggled up in her eyes, even as the lady hid it through a sweet grin.
And suddenly, quashed and crushing, the painful subjugating truth rushed to the forefront of her mind from that gut feeling her unconscious had had, and she knew. She knew who was this woman. It pushed the wind out of her pipes, and she just managed to repress the collapsing gasp to be heard aloud, and ruin the little composure she still possessed.
Her tongue turned to glass paper in her mouth as her mind provided with images, the only mere thoughts of them would have already made her kneel, and defeated madness coiled in her for one enraged instant.
Oh joy… She thought at the new foe in front of her.
She knew … but she really wished she didn't.
"Ahh… Well, then I guess my first intuition was right," she replied with a light embarrassed chuckle, and Kyoko tensed from the sudden black aura coming from her right as their counterpart totally ignored it or was blissfully ignorant of it. "When I noticed Kuon with you, my first impression was you were only friends," she added sheepishly with such a fake convincing apologetic smile, "but I had to check, you know… Didn't want to play the part of kicking the hornet's nest if you had been, you see." She added with a tiny smile, and Kyoko played along, knowing full well there was nothing else to do than pretend, not like she could fight with equal weaponry here. She tilted her head, feigning to be clueless, and knowing the blow was coming.
The woman pointed at herself with her thumb – nearly mirroring the move Ren had used to point direction earlier – , and she felt like it was a cheap trick, but it worked since it still managed to irk her.
"Former girlfriend here, from his teens."
She was barely able to breathe as the shot hit, crushing, but she maintained a semblance of a polite expression as she nodded.
"I see."
"That was more than thirteen years ago, Shannon."Was the terse comment Ren made. Kyoko had the urge to look at him but didn't think her composure would hold if she did, right now. He did not sound happy, quite the opposite, and she felt like the worst person. Because the tremendous joy and ease she felt from his coldness towards whom she now knew to be his ex, were just horrible of her.
The mere thought they had been together had a time would have been enough to make her crumble, just because now she could put a face on what had been blank nameless seemingly unimportant people. But instead, an amethyst nymph had appeared to haunt her nightmares.
The gorgeous siren just waved her hand softly.
"Oh, I know, I know. Might be totally irrelevant."
She smiled at him.
"But still, I'm relieved."
I bet you are. Her mind provided sadly.
"I wouldn't have wanted to mess things up."
And Kyoko bet it had been exactly her intentions by going for this angle.
"I'm also glad," she added after a second, "my guts are still as sharp. I should have followed my first impression." She said with another apologetic giggle and paused. Kyoko knew this show was just for Ren. It only infuriated her further, knowing she was acting this way because she knew Ren enough – or at least, the one of the past – to be aware of his lack of wariness, to how crafty some women could be. He tended to paint the feminine gender as unable of harm. In both an unnerving yet naive and cute way. It was annoying because he would fall for obvious tricks but it was also a testament of how he was educated, and how highly and respectful he was of them. She could not even say it was soft sexism – though she sometimes wished she could have, it would have been easier – because he was part of the first ones to praise any woman – annoyingly so – , for their works and talents. He was also always first to encourage them – but any person really, not just women – and recognize how strong they could be.
No, it was just as if he could not see faults, any flaws in them.
Oh, she knew consciously he knew that to be untrue and didn't think that actively. But it was his unconscious attitude. It made him unable to suspect bad from women as a first impression. And sometimes even further.
Oh, it was clearly not like they didn't know each other. But that did not mean he had seen the most cunning parts of this Shannon woman at the time they were…
No, she refused to think it.
And she could not even blame her. Had she had the chance to be with Ren, only for things to turn sour, she would have tried her best to mend things too. That, and even if it was not her intention, it didn't mean she didn't see Kyoko as her enemy.
The sneaky woman continued just when she thought the worst had passed.
"I mean no offence, but you are pretty far from what Kuon used to go for in high school … so I couldn't help but immediately peg you as friends." She meekly slid – making Kyoko tense at the barely hidden jab – , as Shannon rubbed her arm with her opposite hand. "But I second-guessed that after a second… It has been many years as Kuon said, so I thought I could be wrong after all."
Well, well… Thank you for the insult.
She did not need anyone reminding her how inadequate she was. She already knew. She let air enter her lungs in a huge inspiration, to calm herself. There was no need for this, really. It would only hurt her further and make things awkward for everyone. She would let her wounds cry once she would be alone.
She could just feel Ren seethe by her side. Well, just because they were not what this lady had suspected, didn't mean Ren appreciated when people insulted his friends. Was it because it has been so long she ignored the signals? Or was she truly ignorant of his anger? Still, she was not about to be the one to make things difficult with her presence. She could not even imagine the … past they – … shared. As much as thinking this taste bitter. And with the meeting Ren just had had with Tina, there was no need to add petty drama to it. She stretched her lips in what she hoped what another polite smile.
" … I understand."She very laconically managed.
It only seemed to please the woman, as she grinned in return.
"Thank you, I'm glad. Then, would you mind if I borrow him for a while?"She eagerly grinned, the epitome of innocence. "I'd like to catch up a bit and talk."
She only turned her gaze back to Ren at that moment and Kyoko followed, just to be the witness of how her eyes enlarged when Shannon noticed how furious he appeared.
" … I'm sorry. If you are busy, I'll understand. But it would not be long."She rushed out to apologize, and Kyoko had to admire how she managed to make it sound as if she was backing out and being apologetic while insisting as well.
"Do you even realize how rude you were to Kyoko?!" He cursed a bit under his breath – " … you don't even know her but, never mind that it has been years, you just strolled in and went for – …" It seemed he was even at a loss of a word with how mad he was and the awkwardness of the situation. She smiled. Idiot fairy.
Was it wrong Kyoko was so pleased he was defending her so much? Probably. Would she change it? Absolutely not. But as much as she wanted to roll in delight and wanted to be as petty as a child, if there were even a single percent of chance he could be hurt, it was not worth it.
Be mature, Kyoko. Be mature. Be mature.
She repeated it a couple more times before she very slightly placed her hand on his biceps. She would be the mature one. She could be hurt later.
"It's okay. I'm okay." She gave a side glance to Shannon. "I'm sure your – he flinched, and it was just as well because she could not bring herself to spell out the word, even with ex added to it – … I'm sure she didn't mean to be rude."
Ren let out a long sigh and looked at her.
Kyoko smiled at him, trying to ease his frown and she managed to keep a front. For now. He was too caring sometimes, he didn't have to always take her into account. But she didn't want him to worry. And she didn't want to be the one to be an obstacle to his relationships. Past or actual. Though she truly hoped this one belonged to the past. And no matter how much it was devouring her from the inside. Plus, this was exactly the kind of situations she knew she might have to face and had started to reinforce mentally for. It just couldn't be helped.
"Go talk. I'll go upstairs. Just warn me if it takes longer."
Ren appeared even more displeased – and for a split second she thought she saw hurt gleam in his eyes – but it was gone suddenly, like a ray of light behind a cloud, and it didn't make sense. She was certainly making her own feelings reflect, she knew too well what she wished to see.
He sighed deeply, and gave a nod.
"Fine." He said at the intention of Shannon. "I'll try to make it as quick as possible. Thank you."
She nodded softly and in what seemed a mere instant they disappeared from her sight to talk in another room of the restaurant.
She steadily made her way upstairs, feet of steel but focusing on each step, until she could collapse into one of the deep-end armchairs of the balcony.
And when their formerly ordered glasses finally arrived, she gulped down her own and asked for another before her reason could come back to make her realize it had alcohol in it.
PS: Well, what can I say? I know it is soon since the last update... I guess I wanted to see you squeal and moan and be tortured some more.
So, here I come with a new chapter. I hope you will like this one.
I hope your days are going well still and I wish you a good spring and Easter day.
I hope you will love this one, it was tough to write, as I wanted to do justice to the first appearance of an Ex. Don't kill me for that, LOL. I wanna live. And if I die, i won't get to continue to write this story, lol. So, you better keep me alive.
Besides, this, thank you everyone for all the lovely, amazing and incredible reviews you are giving me every time.
For Nara: Don't worry and be patient, it will come. There is the end of this arc and a little more.
And for everyone else. Hang in there, things are coming close to what you are all hoping for. But what needs to happen, needs to happen.
Kisses to everyone and see you soon, hopefully.
Mimagfan,
Author out.
