Kazuma regretted every life choice he'd made up to this point. It was meant to be a simple dungeon exploration mission, no big deal, right? Wrong. Almost immediately the four of them had been under a relentless assault of kamikaze dolls, of all things! And then there were the undead that Aqua always attracted to her, Darkness getting distracted by a minotaur, and Megumin using her mini-Explosions and almost causing a cave in.
All that was in the past, though. Before them now stood what had to be the boss room of the dungeon. The giant stone doors were far too elaborate and ornate to be anything less. Turning to Darkness, he motioned towards the door. "Oi, meathead. Think you could open this for us?"
Darkness scowled, punching his shoulder lightly for his trouble. "Is that all I am to you? A walking wall of muscles?"
Kazuma shrugged, motioning towards the others of the group. "Well, none of us can move the doors. Well, maybe Aqua can," he amended, remembering how strong she could be when she gets angry.
Darkness shook it off before pushing the doors. The doors swung open far more easily than one might expect of a dungeon, usually ancient and wore down by time. That was a peculiarity throughout the entire trip, though. Everything appeared almost fresh and new, which was not at all normal for a dungeon.
Stepping into the chamber, the party looked around, confused at the sparse nature of the room. There were no other doors or treasure, just a set of stairs leading up to a chair like one might expect in a throne room.
"Hey, where's all the treasure?" Megumin was the first to complain, the short mage always eager to have a few more Eris to spend or send home to her family.
Before Kazuma could answer, an echoing, indistinct laugh started to reverberate throughout the room. Particles of dirt spiraled and moved throughout the room, rapidly coalescing on the chair at the head of the room. It takes a moment, but it soon begins to solidify itself into the shape of a well dressed man with a decorated, white mask. The entire time the laughter continued, until at last his face was complete, his body finally taking on proper color.
"Ah, it seems some adventurers have finally found their way to moi's humble abode. Come, tell me. Who dares challenge, I, the arch-devil Vanir, general of the Demon King's army!" The devil had stood up, spreading his arms, grandstanding for all. Aqua, Kazuma, and Darkness all looked worried, aware they were in the presence of a serious threat. Megumin? She was currently too enamored with his stylish entrance.
Aqua recovered first, stomping to stand in front of Kazuma, rolling up her sleeves. "Another filthy demon, eh? I'll God Blow you so hard you'll wish you'd never stepped out of hell!"
Instead of being intimidated, the devil licked his lips, looking like he'd just had a delicious snack. "Oh my! Such a delectable bouquet of emotions you children have brought for me! My, between the feelings of inadequacy and pent-up sexual energy from the boy alone, I could eat for a month!"
Aqua, Megumin, and Darkness all turned towards Kazuma who averted his eyes, his cheeks burning red. "Uh, don't worry about that and take care of him maybe?" Kazuma's embarrassment was only more to feed the devil though, causing him to laugh.
"Ah, yes. This is what I live for! The impure feelings of you mortals. My, even the feelings of this useless goddess aren't too bad!"
"Useless! I'll show you useless!" Aqua shouted, turning back to the party. "You stay right here, I am going to kick this jerk's ass!"
"Goddesses can swear?" Darkness asked, confused at the profanity from her friend.
Megumin's eyes lit up, smiling as she bounced in place. "Are you about to have a grudge match? But we don't even have a proper ring for it!"
Kazuma, confused, turned to Megumin. "The hell is a grudge match?"
"It's a traditional Crimson Demon gym exercise! It involves the contestants stepping into a roped-off arena and fighting each other to their best. The winner is decided by a ten count. Either being out of the ring or unable to stand for ten seconds, specifically. Anything else goes!" Megumin excitedly explained.
"Oi, what's with this professional wrestling knock off you're talking about?" Kazuma asked, completely unamused by Megumin's idea.
Vanir, smirking and laughing nodded along. "Ah, yes. The Crimson Demons and their odd behaviors. One supposes one could humor such a rule set if this fallen goddess can abide by such! It might even give her a fair chance." In reality, Aqua's anger and Kazuma's confusion was too tasty to ignore.
In a confused haze, Kazuma soon found himself sitting on dirty chairs made by the demon alongside Megumin, who was happy to watch everything unfold. The devil had even made the arena as Megumin directed, leaving a highly confused Darkness as the referee.
Kazuma turned to Megumin, voicing his concerns. "If you're the expert on how this works, shouldn't you be the referee?"
"Pft, no! That is such a simple job that even Aqua could do it! No, the truly important task is the color commentary we can give for the audience!"
"… Megumin, we are the audience," Kazuma pointed out, realizing he might have allowed this loli too much freedom.
"All the more fun! We don't have to worry about it making sense for them then." Kazuma just put his head in his hands, wishing this would all be over soon.
Darkness stood between the two entities, every bit as confused as Kazuma. "Uh, fight?" She lamely offered, stepping back as the Aqua lunged at Vanir.
Aqua's fist lit up as she tried to pummel the devil, only to fall forward onto the ropes as his body 'melted' into dirt, only to reform behind her and chop her neck. "Hoho, did you truly think it would be so easy to defeat Moi?"
The chop had done nothing but annoy Aqua. Rounding on Vanir, she started throwing repeated haymakers at him, making Kazuma internally wince at the complaints Feldart would make.
"And Aqua comes in with another rain of God Blows that Vanir is easily side swerving around! Were she not my friend, I'd say she was doomed to lose this fight!" Megumin shouted beside him, acting as if she were announcing it for an entire stadium.
"Hey, no yelling, it's just us," Kazuma grunted, crossing his arms in annoyance at this complete shit show.
"But that's half the fun! The fight is but a small bit of enjoyment to a grudge match! There is the color commentary, the grand standing, and the audience participation!"
Kazuma shook his head, sighing as Vanir fluttered a cape before Aqua, side stepping her as she charged him again. Standing up, he decided to help out, since apparently that's expected. "You dummy, he's made of dirt! You are a literal water goddess. Soak his ass and slow him down!"
Aqua had been about to charge again, stopping to turn and stare at Kazuma, a blank look on her face. She paused, replaying what he'd said before a few tears escaped the edges of her eyes. "You really think I'm a dummy?" She asked, sniffling lightly.
Kazuma quickly denied such allegations, but was cut off as Vanir laughed again. "So exquisite! The guilt of harming a loved one, the feelings of uselessness, more, more! Feed me with thou's most vile of emotions and darkness!" He demanded, slashing his hand, shooting out a blade of dirt at Aqua.
The projectile impacted Aqua, throwing her against the ropes, causing Kazuma to stand up in worry. "Aqua!"
Aqua regained her feet, glaring at the devil as she held up a hand. "Ya know what, Kauzma's right. I am not a goddess of war. I am a goddess of water, healing, and purification. And you are a blight upon this world that must be healed." Aqua, for once, used her brain, she made a small hole with her thumb and pointer finger before putting it over her palm. "Sacred Jet." A burst of water erupted from her hand, slamming into Vanir and washing away everything between his neck and knees.
The floating, disembodied head looked down, his once cocky expression overtaken by concern. "Oh." Were the final words he said before the rest of him fell into dirt, the mask laying on top. A fact that Aqua rapidly remedied by crushing it with an angry stomp.
Aqua took a deep breath, counting to five before smiling and turning back to the party. "Well I won?" She offered lamely, scratching her cheek in embarrassment."
"Since when did you get so strong?!" Darkness demanded, slightly terrified of what she'd just seen.
Aqua pointed to Kazuma, smiling. "Kazuma!"
"Me?" Kazuma asked, pointing to himself in confusion.
"Mhm! Because of you, I have more worshippers, which means more power! Not to mention you reminded me that I have dominion over water and, well, hydro-jets are a thing, right?" Aqua asked, skipping over to Kazuma. "That's part of why I like you so much! You do the thinking, and you help me do what I gotta do." Her next action contradicted her words as she put him in a choke hold. "Now what's this about calling me a dummy, huh?"
Kazuma sweated, panic taking over all bodily functions as he tried to find an escape. Thankfully, his luck won the day. "Clearly, I meant dummy thick?"
Aqua huffed, letting him go and looking far too smug. "And don't you forget it! Now come on, I want you to spoil me a bit for doing such a good job!" She demanded, hopping up with her arms around his neck to force him to carry her princess style.
"Tch, such a needy goddess," he teased, thankful not for the last time he had packed on some muscle with Feldart's training.
-Ko-No-Su-Ba!-
A few days later Aqua and Eris were having their weekly 'girls' night.' The goddess of luck had just finished giving her senior a general report on the reformation of the Axis Church and the peculiarities of the succubi. Aqua, though, was doing everything but focusing on the conversation at hand.
Eris, seeing they were getting nowhere, let out a sigh before setting down the reports. "What's wrong Aqua? You can't seem to focus." Aqua blushed, turning back towards Eris for a moment before looking down at her lap. She whispered something that Eris couldn't quite hear. "What was that?"
"I want to sleep with Kazuma, okay?!" Aqua nearly shrieked, causing Eris to worry she might wake up the others in the house.
It was Eris's turn to look embarrassed, having been a virgin herself when she became a goddess. "Oh! I see." The two sat in awkward silence for a moment before Eris prodded. "So, why don't you then?"
"Goddess can't do things with mortals, remember?! I don't know what would even happen if I did! Would I become a Dark Goddess? Would I become mortal? Would something stop us from even doing it? I have no idea since it never occured to me to ask since I hadn't been interested before!" Aqua was crying by the end, angry at her own lack of knowledge.
"Oh my. I see how that might be an issue. Well, I don't think it matters anyway. You're not a full goddess right now, remember? Your powers are limited since you are Kazuma's cheat item," Eris pointed out, almost falling back as Aqua snapped to attention so rapidly she almost disrupted their tea set.
"Wait, you're saying I could have jumped his bones months ago and I would have been fine?" Aqua asked, infuriated at herself.
"I believe so?" Eris reached behind her back, pulling out a small book with the title, "Goddess Rules, Complete Pocket Edition." She took a while, flipping through the pages, far more than physically existed, before she eventually found the page she'd been looking for. "Here we are, on copulation with mortals. Shouldn't be done lightly, yadda, yadda, can be given as a reward for a champion, yadda, yadda. Ah! Here we are. 'In summary, copulation between a mortal and a goddess should not be done lightly. It should only be done in the event of deep emotional bond between the two, as a reward for services rendered, or possibly a form of punishment. See subsection six for rules on morally dubious punishments, etc, etc." Eris closed the book, smiling happily for her senior. "See? You two love each other anyway so it would be fine even if you weren't effectively a demi-god right now! Isn't that great?"
Aqua looked broken as she sat, staring at her tea cup on the table. She'd been sharing a bed with Kazuma for months, and the only thing that had stopped them from going 'all the way' was her own ignorance. She finally understood why Kazuma got so angry at her when she did something dumb. Rallying herself, she stood up, defiant to the world and her own mistakes. "Alright, new plan! We're going to need the girls for this. They're mortals and should know how to properly set the mood for such a momentous occasion!"
"Wait, Aqua, no-" Eris was so shocked, she didn't even move before Aqua had returned, a groggy Darkness and Megumin trailing behind her.
"Aqua, what is so important that-" Darkness had been annoyed at her friend dragging her out of bed at midnight for an "important girls' meeting" but that all evaporated and was replaced with concern. "Aqua, is that Lady Eris sitting in our living room?"
Eris looked away bashfully, waving hello to her alter ego's friend and her worshiper.
"Mhm! I said it was a girls' meeting, did you think I'd exclude my best friend? Now take a seat, I need you three to help me plan something special. And Eris? As an apology to Kazuma, think you could-"
The next morning, Kazuma woke up, groggy and confused. He noticed the lack of Aqua beside him, belatedly realizing it must have been an Eris meeting night. Feeling the call of nature, he started stumbling towards the bathroom, clad only in his boxers.
Megumin opened her door, having had similar thoughts. She turned to see Kazuma, her eyes trailing down only for her face to turn a deeper crimson than her eyes before she slammed her door shut.
Kazuma ignored that, shuffling towards the bathroom.
Aqua was slowly waking up as the sun hit her face, just as she'd hoped it would. She had a lot of preparation to do and not too much time to do it between work and making sure Kazuma didn't know.
"AQUA! THE HELL DID YOU DO TO JUNIOR!" Echoed throughout the house, fully waking up Darkness and Aqua, giving them both perverted grins.
