Chapter 321 – Frank and Dee Talk, Again

Frank and Dee walked to the corral and Dee still didn't know how to talk about what he was thinking/feeling. The two men stood there looking at the empty corral.

"So things must have gone okay with Annie if she said yes and is coming out here." Frank said.

"I guess." Dee said.

"You guess." Frank said. "That doesn't sound like a man that is excited to get married."

"I am and I am not." Dee said.

"Okay." Frank said. "Let's start with how did your talk go with Annie about things?"

"It was extremely awkward and embarrassing." Dee said. "But we managed to get through it."

"Well that is something." Frank said. "And she said yes, even after you laid everything out, so that must mean something."

Dee just shrugged his shoulders.

"Talk to me." Frank said.

"I don't know." Dee said. "I think she only said yes because I found her ring and she was worried about losing me."

"Can't really mean that." Frank said.

"I don't know any more." Dee said.

"Tell me about what happened when you talked to Annie." Frank said.

"What do you want to know?" Dee asked, defensively.

"No need to get upset with me." Frank said. "I am trying to help. I get that things are not easy, but getting mad at me is not going to solve anything."

Dee let out a harsh breath.

"Sorry." Dee said.

"Now." Frank said. "Let's try this again. What happened when you went back to Hamilton. Did you try to see another doctor? What did you and Annie talk about?"

"Yes, I went to our family doctor back in Hamilton." Dee said.

"What did he say?" Frank asked.

"There was nothing he could do to deal with it." Dee said. "He was cold and honestly made me feel worse. He made me feel like an idiot for even coming in and asking about it."

"I am sorry about that." Frank said. "No doctor should make a patient feel like that."

"What did I expect?" Dee said. "He is older than Dad and set in his ways. I honestly don't think he has tried a new medical innovation in years."

"Would you be open to seeing another doctor?" Frank asked.

"I don't know." Dee said. "I thought about it, but it is too embarrassing to even ask another doctor, especially after the way that our family doctor made me feel back home."

"Please consider talking to Dr Shepherd." Frank said. "He is not like other doctors. He is a trained surgeon and also very understanding. Please at least talk to him. You don't have to let him examine you, but maybe just talking to him might help."

"I will think about it." Dee said. "I thought about it, especially with Jack and Beth singing his praises about saving Beth and the twins. I just don't know, especially with the way that Dr Kelly made me feel back home."

"Again." Frank said. "I am sorry that he made you feel that way. But trust me, Carson is different. At least think about it. Then I would also think about finding a different doctor when you return home."

"Already decided on that." Dee said. "I haven't told my parents because they love Dr Kelly. He has been Mom and Dad's regular doctor for years when they are in Hamilton. But even Sophie stopped seeing him after the accident because she didn't like the way that he spoke to her. She told Mom and Dad it was because she needed more specialized care and was going to continue with the doctors that helped her in the hospital."

"Good for her." Frank said. "If you don't feel comfortable with someone, you have the right to change when you have the option. We are just glad that Carson has decided to stay and we hope that he stays for years to come because he is not only an amazing doctor from what Abigail said, but he has quickly become a great friend."

"Well." Dee said. "I was glad that he was here when Beth and the twins needed him. From what Jack has said, they are alive because Carson took change and knew what to do."

"Very much so." Frank said. "And I don't have all the details. Just what Abigail told me. She was in the room when Andrew was delivered. She was amazed and terrified all at the same time. She was praying and just glad that he was there."

"I will consider it." Dee said.

"Now." Frank said. "Tell me about the conversation with Annie and why you are having doubts."

Dee let out another harsh breath and then kicked at the dirt a bit.

"What is the point?" Dee said. "What I said isn't going to change anything. I feel the way that I do. Annie feels the way that she does and standing her talking about it is not going to change anything right now. I love Annie, but don't know if I am ever going to be a normal husband and that kills me. I don't want Annie to be with me because she feels sorry for me. But at the same time, I love her so much and I can't see my life without her. It is going to hurt one way or another. I am trying to figure out what I can live with. I am realizing that I don't think I can live with a woman who is with me because she feels sorry for me. I don't want her to regret giving up a normal life with a husband. I know more than anything that she wants to be a mother and I don't think adopting is going to be enough for her when it comes down to it."

"Maybe if you talk to me about what you told Annie." Frank said. "Then I will know how to talk to her when she gets here. There is obviously something going on and you are upset. I hope and pray that you can work things out because starting a marriage feeling the way that you do is not a good way to start the marriage. So let me try to help you. I can hear in your voice how much you love Annie and that what happened is weighing heavily on you. I just want to help, but you need to talk to me in order for that to happen. You need to talk to me and answer my questions as best as possible."

Dee nodded and wiped his face with his hands. Dee took a few deep breaths and then turned to face Frank instead of looking at the empty corral.

"So I had written her that letter laying everything out." Dee said.

Frank nodded.

"She was there to meet us when we arrived in Hamilton." Dee continued. "I had called her a few times as we traveled home to keep her updated on journey and arrival. There was a part of me that was happy that she wanted to be there to meet us, but then another part of me was scared because of everything going on. She ran up and hugged me when we arrived. I hugged her back and promised that we would sit down and talk, but I had to take care of a few things first. She said she understood and would be there when I was ready to talk, but she had left me a short letter at the house that she wanted me to read before we spoke. I promise to read it. She gave me a quick kiss on the cheek and then left the station. She has come from work and I knew that she was tired and was heading home."

"What did she write to you?" Frank asked.

"She wrote how much she loved me and didn't want to lose me." Dee said. "She said she didn't care about that other stuff and we would deal with it. There was a part of me that wanted to believe her, but I had seen her face when she talked about carrying a child and being a mother. That first night that I was home, I was a wreck. I read and reread her letter. I read the other notes she had written to me. I went over everything I had written to her over the last few years and the feeling of dread in my stomach grew. I knew that she would never be happy not having a real husband. I felt like it was too much to ask of her. She had already lost so much in her life being estranged from the little family that she has left."

"Why is she estranged from her family?" Frank asked.

"They didn't agree with her choices." Dee said. "After her parents passed, her older brother felt he had the right to arrange a marriage for her and when she rejected it, he kicked her out and told her that she was dead to him. Her grandfather passed a few months later and her brother refused to let her even come to his funeral. She hasn't spoken to her brother in over four years. If he saw her on the street, he wouldn't even acknowledge her. If you ask him he only has one sister and two brothers. He didn't allow the younger siblings to talk to Annie and by the time they were old enough to make their own decisions, he had poisoned them against her, leaving no hope of reconciliation. That is part of the reason that she wants a small wedding. She also understands why my sister doesn't want to be around a lot of people."

"I am sorry her family is that way." Frank said. "But are you sure that she would be unhappy if you can't do things like you think?"

"I really do." Dee said. "While I had held out some hope after we had spoken, after speaking to the doctor, which I saw the day after we returned. I gave up hope of things improving."

"Please don't give up hope." Frank said. "You are barely a year out from your injuries. Please, please don't give up hope. I also please consider at least talking to Carson."

Dee nodded. He wasn't sure how much difference it would make, but if it made Frank happy Dee would at least talk to Carson.

"Okay." Dee said.

"Good." Frank said. "I had given up hope of ever finding someone, much less being a father and now look. Nothing is impossible with God."

"I am struggling to have faith." Dee said. "With everything that has happened in the last couple years, it is hard to believe. I continue to go to church and try to pray, but I feel so empty. I feel like God is so far away."

"Everyone feels like that at times." Frank said. "But you need to continue to pray. Also remember that faith is not a feeling. Faith is knowing that God is there even when you feel that He is far away."

"Okay." Dee said.

"Also." Frank said. "I will continue to pray for you. Please consider sitting and meeting with me again and even maybe having a few counseling sessions with Annie. I would be willing to sit down with both of you together and individually to talk about things. I think the more that you talk, the more you will realize that Annie probably doesn't pity you, but loves you enough to accept you as you are."

"If you say so." Dee said.

"I love Abigail enough that her past didn't scare me." Frank said. "I also loved her enough to accept that we probably would never have biological children because of our ages. But that didn't mean I didn't pray and ask God for those things if it was His will. But I also knew that sometimes that God says no and you need to accept that. I was willing to accept whatever God gave Abigail and I."

"I will try." Dee said.

"I want to give you some verses to look up and read." Frank said. "Read them, write them out. Read the chapter they are in to get the context, but really pray and meditate on these verses. We will ask you about them at some point and what you think."

Dee nodded and pulled out a little notebook. Not like he needed it, but he still wrote things down so other people felt like he was really listening.

"There are a total of five verses." Frank said. "The first is John 16:33, then Philippians 4:13, Isaiah 40:31, Matthew 6:33 and finally Jeremiah 29:11. Please read those verses and take to heart what is being said."

Again, Dee just nodded. He finished writing something, then put his notebook back in his pocket. When Dee was done, he looked at Frank and he could see the pain in the younger man's eyes.

"I have faith that things will work out." Frank said. "I will be praying. Please don't lose hope. Consider talking to Carson. If you don't want him to examine you after you speak to him, that is fine, but at least talk to him. When you do talk to him, please be completely honest with him. I promise he will listen and be compassionate."

"I will try." Dee said. "Annie should be here on Monday. I know that you have Lee's wedding next weekend, but after that maybe we can find some time to talk."

"Of course." Frank said. "I will always try to find time for you. I know that my time at church has gotten bigger and my time in more demand, but I promise I will always try to find some time for you, your parents, Jack and Elizabeth."

"Thank you." Dee said. "I have found talking to you is easier than I thought it would be. Maybe because you have real life experiences and maybe your age is a factor. Most of the pastors that I have known in the past are my father's age or older."

"I am close to your mom's age." Frank said. "But honestly, I think age is just a number. I would never have thought your father is in his fifties. I also would have never thought that Carson is barely thirty for the number of accomplishments that he has. Don't judge someone on age alone. I truly believe that life experience is a much better factor when determining if the person is worth listening to."

"I will keep that in mind." Dee said. "I will let you go. I have kept you here much longer than you had planned."

"No problem." Frank said. "Tomorrow's sermon is finished and you need to talk. Jack needed to talk. It is what I am here for."

"Again." Dee said. "Thank you so much."

"Let everyone know that I will be seeing them." Frank said.

"I will." Dee said. "I will also arrange a time to meet after I talk to Annie again."

"That sounds great." Frank said.

Dee watched Frank walk away and to his horse that was tied near the house. Dee stood there leaning against the corral. There was a lot going through his head and he was feeling overwhelmed, a feeling that he had been feeling a lot the last several months. He was fine when he had a case to work on, but when he was by himself his memories, thoughts and feelings overwhelmed him. Each and every day more and more of his memory had returned and it was overwhelming as he remembered every little thing, every insult and taunting word of his childhood. It was like he was reliving everything all over again. It was hard. He was glad for the good memories to return as he loved thinking about the times he spent growing up with his sister, moving around and meeting different people. But it was excruciating to remember all the pain that he endured from other people growing up.

Dee was even remembering bits and pieces of the actual attack and that was worse. He had had a few more panic attacks, which he had been able to hide from his father, but with each one, he remembered more and more of the actual attack. He had made the mistake of reading the case file that was created after his attack. He knew that he shouldn't have, but he needed to know. He cried for hours when he saw the pictures of his bruised and battered body. He couldn't even talk to his father about it, because he knew that had his father known Dee had looked at the case file, he would have been upset. Looking at the case file was breaking some unwritten rules. Because of everything, Dee was feeling more alone than he could ever remember.

Dee was hoping that being back in Hope Valley, the bad memories would abate some and he could create more good memories. He was hoping to make some memories with Annie in Hope Valley that might replace some of the bad ones that had taken over his mind from when he was younger. He knew that he would never truly forget them, but at the same time, he was hoping to push them from the front of his mind. Dee truly only had mostly good memories from Hope Valley. There are a few things that he wished he could forget, but for the most part Dee had great memories about Hope Valley and hoped to make many more.

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