Fractured Fan Fiction
(filmed in Puzzlevision)
Pigs is Pigs
(based off of the story by Ellis Parker Butler)
Disclaimer: The entirety of the fanfic is casted by the entire Ninja Seeking Club, meaning ALL girls, side girls, and Johnny.
Once upon a time, in a West Coast Railway Station, back in 1905, lived the best railroad agent alive, Ricka Flannery.
Ricka pulled the curtain up and opened her station. She spoke, "Hello." She walked off, reading a rulebook, and munching on a fried noodle hot dog.
Now, Ricka is a strict agent, learning the rules of law, like a kid in school. Despite a poor education, she always kept her station in tip top shape.
"And video games weren't even invented, too…"
One day, as she was waiting for the mail car to drive by, she only got one package. A small crate, delivered to her, in a fragile wooden box.
"Hmm… Two Guinea Pigs. Hm. I see." She looked at the two small pigs inside, one with pink fur and the other with blue fur, and smiled, "Adorable. But you sure don't look like pigs. But the writing is clear. So, you are pigs. And pigs you are. Pigs."
The guinea pigs squeaked, understandably with much confusion. These Guinea Pigs are similar to hamsters or gerbils, as we'll learn later on.
Later that day, a woman in pink hair was waiting for Ricka, as she was expecting a package. As a matter of fact, it's the same package that Ricka has. Ricka, greeting the woman, has to use the rulebook, in order to keep her impatient customer happy.
"Let's see… uh… Good morning. And then smile…" She smiled, as Myu huffed, "AHEM! It's afternoon! I was standing all day, until past noon!"
"Then, sorry I am, if late on the service, says in Rule 3."
"Dry the tears and save yer sneers! You have the pets I want?" Myu barked, as she was angry.
Myu McMoorehouse was ornery and impatient, as she was waiting for her delivery, the same box of guinea pigs that she wanted. Ricka decided to read the rulebook, before she could deliver, for the price of the cargo.
"Two guinea pigs… Hmmm…" Ricka read the book, "See Page 43… Pigs… Pigs… Ahhh, here we go! Price of pets, 44 cents. But these are Guinea Pigs, and yes, they are pigs."
"I'll take them."
"Good. 48 cents please."
"WHAT?" Myu cried out, "FORTY-EIGHT CENTS?! Oh, it's with tax?"
"No…" Ricka pointed at the book, "These pigs are worth 48 cents, as said in the rulebook, and 48 cents is the price for these pigs."
Myu was crossed, as she was amazed by Ricka's oblivious manner, as Myu knew that the pigs in the crate were NOT pigs at all. She took the book and was in disbelief, reading the price.
"Pigs – 48 cents, Pets – 44 cents."
This was a time when a dollar wasn't worth much in the 20th Century.
"I will not pay for my cargo! Guinea Pigs are NOT Pigs!" Myu slammed the book down, and she yelled, "I want my cargo at 44, and what's more, it's a fair price!"
Ricka argued, "Pigs is pigs, the rules say, the price is 48 cents, and those are the rules!"
"Rules are for fools, you stubborn mule! YOU WILL TAKE FORTY-FOUR!"
SLAM!
Myu pounded her fist on the top of the package, shaking the contents.
"THE REGULAR RATE IS FORTY-EIGHT!"
SLAM!
Ricka pounded her fist on top of the package, as well.
Myu gave in and calmly said, "Fine… You take the high rate, and I'll take the low rate, and I'll not pay ya more than forty-fooooour ya!" She sang, as Ricka was annoyed.
She raised her hand and boomed, "Fine. You DON'T get the package, at all, until the decision is final. Rules dictate – If ever there's an argument over the rate, the agent must wire to the ruling up high, and the package remains here, until a reply!"
Myu roared, as she stormed off, "THEN, KEEP YOUR BLOODY PIGS, and guard them well… And when you find you're wrong, bring them over to my place! HEALTHY, FIRM, AND STRONG!"
SLAM!
Myu slammed the door, as Ricka was annoyed and frustrated.
Ricka was completely distraught, as she was now in a mess, as Myu's package was kept with her, until she wires to the main Railroad Office. Sure enough, she decided to send a telegram to the main office. But little does she know, her nightmarish job would be catastrophic, as all it took was one misunderstanding. But as the telegraph types, the two guinea pigs started to stare at each other and show signs of romance in their hearts.
Which was Ricka's gravest mistake, soon enough, on that day.
Ricka typed to the office, as Setsuna Tojo was sitting in her desk. She wrote the telegram and said, "Mashiro!" Mashiro appeared and called, wearing a red bellboy suit, "Right here, ma'am."
"Telegram from Agent Flannery."
"Again? More Fried Noodle Hot Dogs?"
"No, get this…" She read in Ricka's voice, "Supervisor's Office, Ricka Flannery, dictating, May 6th, 1905… Regarding two guinea pigs, price of 44 or 48 cents; to determine the price of pig or pet, for the correct rate. Flannery."
Mashiro huffed, as she asked, "Is that all? What's a guinea pig?"
"Beats me." Setsuna said, "Please deliver to the staff, if you wish. We will send a reply, just in case we have a solution."
She typed back, as Ricka got a reply. "We are underway with the report, determining the rate of Pig or Pet. Please wait for further details, and bring us an update, concerning the Guinea Pig Issue."
Ricka nodded, and she decided to expand the crate a bit to build for her new pets. Rather, McMoorehouse's pets. Afterwards, Ricka waited for a reply, while munching on fried noodle hot dogs, and decided to feed them the hot dog. Only to realize that it's bad for them.
"Aw, but love fried noodle hot dogs…"
Ricka decided to read on what guinea pigs eat, as long as it's nutritional. Sadly, all they can eat is raw fresh cabbage.
"A cabbage a day keeps the doctor away…" Ricka huffed, "Very well. Not picky with yakisoba pans."
With a head of cabbage, she fed her pigs, and then she said, "Now… All that is left to give you names." She approached the charming couple, "I call you Sam, the pink one. The blue one, Mike."
But Mike was renamed Mary, when Mike became a Mother. Because the blue guinea Pig was a girl, and soon enough, 7 small guinea pigs appeared. That's right. Sam and Mary had babies. And very cute guinea pig babies, or pups, as the term is called.
"Saints be praised!" Ricka cheered in joy, as she grabbed some wood and tools, "I'm a family man meself."
And Ricka build the crate to house up to twenty pups, and quickly sped off to the telegraph. But in her quick haste that she hasn't realized that the guinea pigs were multiplying rapidly. So Ricka went to create her update, unaware of the dozens of pups.
"Regarding the guinea pigs case, I no longer hold two. I am now holding nine!"
As Mashiro delivered the message, stamped, confirmed, and quadruplicated to every member of the staff, three officials from the legal department arrived at the President's Office.
"President Spicer?" One of the women, with red hair, addressed the matter, "This telegram was convinced by us, over the issue concerning the guinea pig situation."
The President decided to hold a meeting, to confirm clarification of Ricka's wire, wanting to know if a pig was simply a pig.
"Guinea Pigs, eh?" Johnny said, "Very well, I will discuss this statement, at once."
YTG8 bowed, as they departed with Mashiro, who was holding the extra telegrams copied from the staff.
And so, the President will investigate and confirm his findings, and set up a meeting, immediately.
Meanwhile, back in Ricka's stationhouse, Sam & Mary continued to have pups. And so much so, they cannot stop having babies… but their children, and the cousins of the first set, all of a sudden have babies, too. And every hour, when the clock struck…
SPROING!
There were fifty brand new dozens. The Guinea Pigs expanded the station. Hundreds of guinea pigs were all over the place, and Ricka could only tend to her cabbage stock, in order to feed the pups.
"It's a good thing I know how to grow cabbage… They don't pay me much…" Ricka sobbed, as she tossed a couple heads to the pile of pups.
Meanwhile, in the meeting room, the board of directors were arguing with each other, confirming the situation of pigs and guinea pigs. They even declared evidence of pigs and rabbits, as they are not the same.
Ryuichi said, "These are simply NOT pigs."
Zina said, "I confirm."
Mari said, "And I agree."
Kamina yelled, "Pigs is pigs, and this brand is a new species of pigs!"
Tayu smiled, "Indeed… But I question their breeding sense."
Kanna barked, "Are you that stupid?"
Kurenai yelled, "PIGS IS PIGS! And the price is 48!"
Elly barked, "44 CENTS! THEY DON'T HAVE CURLY TAILS!"
Ryuichi hollered, "THESE ARE SIMPLY NOT PIGS!"
Elly yelled, "WE HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME, OLD FOOL!"
They continued to rabble on, as Johnny was in a deadlock position. Mashiro nodded to him, "Excuse me, sir?"
The little mail clerk whispered into the President's ear, as she confirmed that an expert in Zoology had arrived to clarify the situation. She was a young professor from the East, and made her conclusion.
Kirino responded, "The guinea pigs are indeed NOT pigs. The guinea pig represents the Cavia porcellus. It is a domestic animal, unlike the common pig, under the genus Sus, under the family suidae."
Kurenai snickered, "SUS… Heheheheh…"
Kirino huffed, "AHEM! I reiterate on behalf of the company, and I want NO levity from either of you. To confirm, the guinea pigs, the Cavia Porcellus, are no comparison to the pigs, the suidae. They are NOT relatable. Pigs is pigs, and pets is pets, and Guinea Pigs are NOT Pigs. The 44 cent rate applies."
The meeting was adjourned, as the adults departed, armed with ninja tools and golf clubs. They stormed off, as Johnny was stunned, "Uhhh… So, did she say Sus?"
Well, after the meeting ended, Mashiro sped off to deliver every message to the staff, confirming the conclusion of guinea pigs.
Mashiro said, "Have this copied and sent to every member of the staff."
Cy winked, "OKAY!"
Cy would copy in triplicates, while Akari would make a thousand more, delivering the copies to everyone, from the janitor (Waka), the auditor (Ran), the engineer and conductor (Iroha and Nanao), the fireman (Oka), and the section hand (Hayuki). Even copies for the hoboes, riding the boxcars. Yes, everyone was given the message that guinea pigs are NOT pigs. They're rodents.
But all's not fair in Ricka's station… as the monotonous wave of pups continue to grow, Ricka ate her fried noodle hot dog, and decided to play her violin. She started to play wildly, as she danced and sang an Irish Jig. But as she continued on, the guinea pigs were growing rapidly, cousins by the dozens. Sam & Mary, among the cousins from their kin, continued to fill the station, until the entire place is filled to the brim with guinea pigs. Thousands, no, hundreds of thousands, nay, millions filled the station.
"HELP! HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEE! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
And in Ricka Flannery's torture, she was doomed with holding EVERY SINGLE Guinea Pig, until she got the news from the main office… but no response. Until…
Setsuna read the message, "Well, that explains everything." She typed in, as Mashiro finally relaxed in her chair, in bliss.
Ricka got the message and raced off to see Myu, message in hand.
"Head office to Ricka Flannery, regarding the McMoorehouse Pigs, the 44 cent rate applies. Setsuna."
Ricka arrived at Myu's house.
When Ricka got the message, straight off to give the news to McMoorehouse. And with one tap on the door, a woman in long purple hair and a curvy body was waiting for her.
"Hello…" She giggled.
"Uh… Are you Myu McMoorehouse?"
Tengge blushed, "Ohhh… You mean the old tenant? You must be Ricka Flannery. Well, the old tenant wanted me to give you this…" She giggled, giving her a wire.
Ricka held the note, and sure enough, she open the contents, only to find…
"BWAAAAAAAAAAAUGH!" She shrieked, and she fainted, as the note simply said: "Sorry, I had to move away to my Father's place. Keep your pigs… or pets. You lost a customer, forever!"
That's right… Myu McMoorehouse doesn't live here anymore!
As the station house continues to fill with millions of pups, a torn and scared Ricka wired to the main office, desperate and in need of help.
"Tell me quick! What do I do! There's no room to cover the case, so now it's up to you!"
Setsuna and Mashiro were stunned, as they read how many Guinea Pigs that Ricka has. Mashiro sobbed, "Awwwwww…."
She raced off, and was furiously muttered, "I hate my job… I hate my job…"
Mashiro ran to every room, as they were shocked to learn of the Guinea Pigs' multiplication.
(Yamabuki): Don't look at me, fam! See the VP!
(Enju, the VP): NOT ME! See Lily!
Mashiro sped into every room, after the staff refused.
(Lily): See Hotaru!
(Hotaru): See Iori!
(Iori): Not me, see Yozuki!
(Yozuki): No, see Itsuki!
(Carbine): WHAT? NOOO! Talk to Sau!
(Sau): What? You're insane!
As the clerk was racing to every office, without success, a young clerk dropped off a random suggestion that the pigs should be sent to the main office. Of course, what she doesn't know was that Ricka Flannery's office was filled to the brim, when it was once two Guinea Pigs, and now it's just a total of 7 million, 320 thousand, and two.
A train arrived, as Ricka shoveled all the pups into each cart, in a speedy haste.
Flannery filled them up in crates, boxes, and chests, and in a huge eight car locomotive, storing an entire eight cargo cars, the guinea pigs were all present and accounted for, except for Sam & Mary. And Ricka decided to leave these two here, for the moment, as armed with a shovel, she scooped the two pigs that started all this. Ricka, tears in her eyes, was sad to see them go, but would be relieved if they hadn't leave sooner than she expected.
"You begat and begot! Now…" She tossed Sam & Mary into the car and wailed, "BEGONE!"
And tossing the two main guinea pigs, they waved goodbye to Ricka, with five new pups waving with them. Ricka didn't wave back, as she was glad to be rid of them.
"Now I can't have fried noodle hot dogs for days… wasted my paycheck on cabbage." She held up some leftover cabbage and then thought, "Hm? Does it taste great with fried noodle hot dog?"
As Ricka celebrated, the main station warehouse had a massive delivery on-hand. Over eight million guinea pigs were delivered, and the President was shocked, when he saw a batch of the pups.
Johnny shouted, but said nothing. He went hoarse.
And three of the officials arrived with a resignation note, and protested about the pigs.
Futaba hollered, "THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!"
Sena yelled, "I blame Flannery!"
Kirara shrieked, "THE SQUEAKING! THE AWFUL SQUEAKING!"
They boomed at Johnny, "WE QUIT!"
Johnny boomed back, "OH, YEAH? Take those guinea pigs out of my office, and AWAY FROM MY SIGHT! STORE THEM IN PET SHOPS, ANIMAL SHELTERS, AND ZOOS! JUST GET THESE MILLIONS OF RATS OUT OF MY BUILDING!"
The President was so furious that he banished EVERY LAST Guinea Pig from the city, and shipped them off into pet shops all over the world. And soon enough, everyone would love to buy a pet guinea pig, as long as they only buy one guinea pig, or two guinea pigs of the same gender. They did put a warning for each guinea pig.
"Warning: Please be careful not to have them mate constantly."
And with it, the nightmare of these mass-producing rodents was finally resolved (for now). And from that day forward, Ricka Flannery swore that her rules are final, and if pigs or pets, her decision stands. And with one final wire to the office, she was in glee.
"Dear President, tis not all bad, as seemed to be once. Thank you for everything on the matter, and I learned a valuable lesson… From now on, my judgment will stand. Pigs is pigs, and pets is pets. But perhaps, maybe, all those guinea pigs would all become elephants."
She let out a hearty chuckle and lived happily ever after. But she didn't. Because at that moment, a circus train arrived, with two elephants holding each other, in love. They were a male and a female elephant. Ricka was shocked, as she cried, "Ohhhh, noooooooooooo!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Her screams echoed, as the circus train departed. And Ricka Flannery lived happily and wisely and strictly ever after, as from that day forward, Ricka Flannery forever cemented and swore her final ruling.
"No more will I be a fool! Whenever it comes to animals, livestock, fish, beasts, or mythical creatures, DAMN EVERY SINGLE RULE!" She destroyed the rulebook and boasted, "From now on, if the animals come in solo, or pairs, or sets, and if they have four feet, and they're alive… whether scales, feathers, fur, or fangs, and have a diet of raw meat or fresh vegetables, heed my ruling as it is final…
When the animal is delivered to me, as cargo for delivery… THEY'LL BE CLASSIFIED AS PETS!"
Sam & Mary appeared from Ricka's hat, as they winked to the audience.
The moral of this story is when you make the rules, you must have the most important thing of all – common sense. Because without common sense, things tend to multiply the problem. *chuckles*
The End
