Then before I knew it the week passed. I didn't drive that's for sure and I couldn't be in the house long either—because once I started thinking, I knew I was starting thinking the worst eventually—I did—so most of the week I spent walking around town and sitting out in the backyard. And then it was Wednesday for Bella's graduation. I smiled at Bella with forced approval of the yellow cap and gown she had to wear, she groaned in defeat when my face broke. I followed her downstairs where Charlie was waiting for us, I wore a pair of light jeans and one of the blouses grandma had bought me during my two weeks with her. It was white based and light rosy-pink flattering floral designs that had a fading effect on the fabric, I wore my mother's creme cashmere cardigan over it, and my sneakers.
I sat with Charlie as the ceremony went on and on. There was so much yellow everywhere and parents and family. Yellow, blue, and white flowers in pots lining the aisles of the gymnasium and the stage. I wondered throughout the ceremony if I was ever going to make it here, I wondered if I could hold out until then for peace. The Valedictorian of the Forks High graduating class of 2006, Jessica Stanley, took the stage.
"When we were five, they asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up. Our answers were things like astronaut, president, or in my case… a princess." Chuckling and giggling fiddled throughout the gym. "When we were ten, they asked us again, we answered Rockstar, cowboy or in my case a gold medalist. But now that we've grown up, they want a serious answer. Well, how about this?... Who the hell knows?"
Clapping, whooping and laughter filled the gym as Jessica laughed with a bit of nervousness, and gaining confidence. "This isn't the time to make hard and fast decisions, this is the time to make mistakes. Take the wrong train and get stuck somewhere. Fall in love… a lot. Major in philosophy because there's no way to make a career out of that. Change your mind and change it again, because nothing's permanent. So, make as many mistakes as you can, that way when someday when they ask what we want to be.
We won't have to guess. We'll know." Jessica ends the speech with a proud smile as everyone began cheering and clapping again.
Charlie stood up when Bella walked the stage to grab her diploma, he was so proud and happy. I tried to be as happy as I could but I really wish I could disappear; I was slowly growing irritated with everything and I was trying my best to relax and really enjoy this. Enjoy being alive. Having the chance to be alive but those chances seemed highly unlikely, not that I tried to believe I had any chances.
I didn't have as many chances as everyone else in this room. It was wrong to compare myself to everyone but I did that on a daily lately and it seemed like the only thing that would get me through the day. After the graduation and pictures, Charlie took us out to the diner for lunch and Bella invited me to a graduation party. I walked around the party, outside to the patio, throughout the living room and kitchen, multi-colored flashing lights, dim warm lights, it was dark but it was visible. I looked at the food table and really wanted some chips, but I didn't trust any of the bowls; since one boy who recently just picked through had his hand in his pants before he went digging.
I pulled the sleeves down of my grey sweater over my hands and turned just into time to a duo of Bella's friends, Jessica and Angela, I shrunk as they smiled at me brightly and started speaking in rushed voices.
"Hey, Vivianna!" Jessica greets with giggles.
"Hi, Viv!" Angela smiled brightly with teeth.
This is hell. "Hi." Exactly how it sounded, panicked and quietly, I wanted to run.
"What are you doing?" Angela asked.
"You look so pretty!" Jessica gushed with feminine excitement and I don't know if it's genuine, "This is natural hair color?"
"Come dance with us." Angela says before I could reply.
"Yes! Come dance." Jessica grins.
I stared at them, with no socializing meter, cringing with anti-socialism. Squeaking. Jessica glanced to her left and then smiled wider and waved.
"Bella. Come on, let's go see Bella." And then suddenly Jessica grabbed my arm and lead me over to Bella, whom I attached my side to when Jessica let me go.
"How was my speech?..." Jessica's voice faded as the room started to close in around me.
Bella took over conversation as I stood by timidly, and restless, I really wanted to go home now, all the sound reaching my ears muffled as I looked down at my sneakers while picking at the skin around my fingernails. This is all too much and I wish I had a reason to stay home. I think I was on the verge of a panic attack. I was so thankful for the movement out of the right corner of my eye to the front door, I watched the three boys walk in the door. A short distraction but more people, the room was getting a lot stuffier and closer together. I looked away before I met eyes with any of them, I looked back down at my shoes as the muffled background changed to a different tone, my thoughts going sluggish as I wrapped my arms around my chest.
My mind replaced the image of the party with the funeral party a week ago, this is hell. Instead of dancing graduates and teenagers, it was everyone who came to the funeral and it went silent for a moment with that dreadful piano music the Grandparents played. I blinked the image away and my breath got a bit unsteady with tears welling up in eyes as the music echoed with the distant laughter of my grandparents and the group they were entertaining. It was a moment Charlie and I agreed to never speak of and it was a moment was a moment I didn't want to remember. I walked away and tried to find somewhere where I could catch my breath for even just a moment, the patio became empty with Washington's chill to the summer night air. I sat down on the steps and kept my arms around my chest and stared out at the darkness of the forest past the yard of grass and moss. The icy breeze cut past my clothes and into my skin, making me shiver but the air was so refreshing, but it wasn't enough to stop the bubbling sob from escaping my throat as I leaned forward and wrapped my arms around my knees.
Looking out at the dark forest with my eyes peaking over my arms as I quietened my sob with my arms, but it still felt like the world could hear me crying. I was pretty sure that funeral memory was going to reappear in my nightmares. I huddled into a tighter ball and dropped my face in my arms.
"Vivianna." I turned to the call of my name from Edward's sister, Alice Cullen.
I met her earlier and I was surprised I remembered her name in my despondent and dejected state of mind and behavior. I realized this moment in time I was finally crying over it all and Alice caught me, I turned my head back around wiped my face with more tears falling down from embarrassment.
"I'm sorry, Alice. I'm coming back inside." I turned to my right to her sitting down on the steps three feet away from me.
She's looking out over at the forest, I wiped my face with ends of my sleeves around my hands, "It's alright." She turns her head to look at me, she smiles with reassuring compassion, I had to look away it was uncomfortable for anyone to look at me that way or any kind of way, "If you need to talk about anything, I'm here to lend an ear."
I doubted that I would but I appreciated the offer a lot, I felt her eyes leave me, light tears fell from my eyes as I looked at the mossy yard, "Thank you." I murmured and I didn't know if she heard it.
"You're welcome." She murmurs in response.
A few minutes went by with the music and babble inside echoing outside, muffled but the music was a bit more coherent. I felt myself relax quickly before another wave of grief washed over me, I wiped my face as I looked up at Alice standing up with a bit of a panicked face.
"Alice?" I asked quietly and followed her gaze to the door.
I wasn't the only one who called Alice's name. Bella was there with a boy I don't know, and Alice's boyfriend, and I met the boy's eyes after I looked away from Bella. I don't know what happened in those seconds of meeting his dark eyes, but I felt an instant attraction as the expression in his eyes brightened before the first expression returned. Something settled over my heart and spread warmth through my body, starting from the center of my heart to the tips of my limbs and the crown of my head, like the radiating warmth of a bonfire. It only lasted for a few short seconds and a breeze brushed over me, his body language seemed to change, and he looked away first with an expression that seemed to leave him in a daze. I looked down at the concrete under my right hip and the front pocket on my dark cargo pants. I wiped my face again and looked out at the yard as if my face was red and puffy from crying, this was more embarrassing than Alice just finding me alone.
"Viv, come inside. It's cold out here," Bella says and I stood up from the staircase and walked over to the door with my head down, wrapping my arms back around my chest.
I walked around the party again aimlessly as Alice, her boyfriend, Bella, and that really tall boy walked away towards the staircase to the second level of the house, not after the tall boy looked after me before disappearing upstairs. I wondered who he was and why he was so fixated on me, his friends behind him looked over at me as they followed the other up the stairs, I looked away and moved out of the way from passing teenagers. I stayed out the way of any possible conversation, and I guess my persona also deterred anyone from speaking to me either way, and before I could fully comprehend it I found myself back outside. I sat back down on the steps where I had previously sat, I sighed and endured the cool breeze, I was only here for Bella and I wish I felt better to actually enjoy it. And I had no hope or confidence that I would ever feel better—I honestly didn't know what I was thinking or if I was thinking at all—but I stood up and descended the staircase, my arms wrapped loosely around my torso.
I wandered into the yard and into the loose brush but I didn't go too far, I stopped after feeling the squish of the earth under the soles of my shoes. I sighed as I questioned myself about what I was doing in the first place, for one I could still see the house and I just stood there for a moment. I inhaled sharply and exhaled slower and turned around, I took a step forward and my other foot caught onto the fallen thick branch I was well aware was there. I tipped forward but got my feet under me as I slid on the wet soil and moss, I felt the moisture from the mud sinking into the material of my sneakers, my body twisted as I reached out to catch myself and my hands sunk into mud but I stabilized myself. I groaned in frustration and disappointment at the grime soiling my sleeves of my favorite sweater and my right cargo pant leg; once I freed myself from the mud and got on leveled ground with two, almost, slips of the ground from under my feet.
Now I bet you Nana would be impressed by that, maybe. Probably not. But either way, the dark side of me took comfort in it.
I wrung my hands and my feet, I stared at the windows of the house and the door, I looked back down at myself. It was extremely inconsiderate to walk into my cousin's boyfriend's house muddy and I knew I should've listened to Bella. I looked up to door opening and Bella came walking out, she used her hands as an exaggeration to her next words.
"What happened? You're all muddy." She asks like a mother figure.
I smiled at her sheepishly, "I'm sorry."
"Why did you come back out here? You're gonna get sick."
"I'm sorry." I said more quietly and looked down at my shoes.
"Did you go into the woods? There's bears out there."
"I'm sorry." I said again just as quietly as before.
Bella sighs, her face softening as she gazes at me. I hated the pitiful look. I walked away towards the front of the house.
"Viv! Wait, come back. Viv," Bella calls I turned to her descending the stairs of the deck and walking in my direction.
I wrapped my arms around my torso and looked down at thee ground, "I know that I upset you."
"Viv… I'm worried about you."
I scoffed, "You don't even know me."
"That may be true but you're still my little cousin. I worry about you."
"I don't want anyone to worry about me. I know I'm a burden enough, worrying about me is just as worse." I walked away without a second thought.
As selfish and childish as it may have seemed, I just needed to go home. I walked along the shoulder of the road back into Forks and back to Uncle Charlie's two-bedroom house, I had my arms around my torso the entire time and my brain was dead of any conscious train of thought. I really just wanted someone to feel harsh malice towards me for no reason and hit me with their car.
Death, I was always welcoming, death was something that I constantly wanted. Just to disappear. Be forgotten about. What did I have to give to this world? I came up empty of answers. What could this world give me? I came up empty of answers.
