Chapter 26
Cause you still don't know
You don't know that it's me
Who really loves you so desperately
If I could only make you hear, I'd volunteer —I Volunteer, Glen Frey
Seth
Bella's face shimmered, reflecting the yellowish-orange glow of the bonfire in the center of the clearing.
I was leaning against the truck where we parked, high on a mound across from her, sipping on a Coke and half listening to Emmett, Quil, and Embry joke and raise hell with one another.
She fiddled with her chestnut hair without moving her glare from the blaze, like she wasn't standing smack in the middle of the first party-of-the-summer celebration, so out of place from the raucous surrounding her. She would always be beautiful. But the way she squinted from the smoke and heat radiating in her direction and the somber way she positioned herself made it impossible for me to stop staring. I was observing the focal point in a bland painting where the only image outlined with definition and color is the subject, and nothing else in the setting mattered.
She'd seemed happy for a little while after we'd first arrived. But now, it wasn't hard to tell she was hurting—bad.
In the background Emmett was telling Quil and Embry about his fight.
"Then I saw Seth reach into the crowd and take hold of this babe of a blonde. 'Come with me if you want to live,'" Emmett said, doing a hilarious Arnold Schwarzenegger impression and backhanding me on the shoulder to draw me back to the conversation.
Quil and Embry broke out in laughter.
"There I am getting jumped, and this guy is creeping on some hot little bystander."
I tossed Emmett's arm off me. "No way. I moved her, because I was afraid she'd get hit."
"Sure, you were! I saw you get her number."
I grinned. "She gave it. I didn't ask."
"Too bad we weren't there. James wouldn't have had the balls if we were," Quil said.
My attention drifted back to Bella. She still hadn't moved a muscle. I didn't like seeing her exhibiting so much depression. I thought about going over and talking to her, but I didn't know what was wrong. Well, I kind of had an idea, but I didn't know how to make it better or if I wanted to.
"It is what it is." Emmett took a big chug of his beer. Then he dabbed his busted lip with his hand. "That's the price for messing with a psycho's ex-girlfriend."
"Wait a second, Emmett. Whose ex is Victoria again? James' or yours?" Quil asked.
Emmett laughed, clanking his bottle against Quil's. "Touché." He took another swig. "Just glad Seth and Jazz showed up and pulled me off him or I'd be in jail right now."
"Self-defense," Embry said. "What else could you do?"
Leah and some of Bella's other friends gathered around her, blocking my view.
"Tell that to my parents. I hate to see the look on my dad's face tomorrow when he sees me. Maybe I should stay in La Push with Jake for a few days until it goes down some."
Not even Leah could make Bella smile and join in on the festivities. She and the other girls wandered away, leaving Bella to her misery.
"Should we stroll around the grounds? See who else is out here. Looks like fifty cars are here now," Embry said, exaggerating.
Bella coiled her arms around herself. It wasn't from being cold; she was too close to the fire. I downed the last of my Coke, squeezed the can, and tossed it into the truck bed, never removing my eyes.
She seemed to be reaching out to me with her misery and taking my spirits to Hell with her.
"Are you coming, Seth?" Emmett asked, turning and looking up at me from a few feet already down the mound.
I didn't realize they all walked away.
Emmett waved Quil and Embry to go on without him, muttering, "What's so freaking interesting down there, anyway?"
A couple leaping strides and he was standing beside me again, stretching his neck, and combing over the crowd.
"Nothing." With a tilt of my head, I signaled for him to follow me. "Let's go then."
Emmett suddenly let out this from-the-gut cackle, a laugh that lasted for at least fifteen seconds.
"What?" I played innocent, hoping he wasn't thinking what I thought he might have been thinking.
"I don't believe this." He snorted, continuing to laugh, shaking his finger at me in a gotcha sort of motion.
I swatted his hand out of my face. "How many beers did you have?"
"Too many. But that's beside the point." He shined a razzing gloat. "I don't know how I missed this after all this time!"
I turned and took a long step downward from him, mulling over how to get him to shut his mouth and quit following me as I resisted the urge to soar into a run. He's bluffing! He knows nothing. I slowed my pace and shoved both hands into the pockets of my jeans, deciding to ignore him.
When we reached the bottom of the clearing, he clasped on to my arm and began dragging me toward Bella. Setting a rigid stance, I shook him off.
"Come here for a minute," he said.
Wary, I let him pull me toward her, speculating about what he had up his sleeves. "I may be drunk, but I'm not drunk," he said.
We grabbed Bella's attention as we stepped past the invisible barrier that she created around herself.
"Seth Clearwater, this is Bella Swan. Bella Swan, Seth Clearwater."
Bella questioned me with her eyes. I shrugged with a shake of my head.
Emmett stepped back, surveying us for an instant. Then he placed his hands on Bella's shoulders, maneuvering her close to me. He lifted my arm, positioning it around her, and took another silly look. "I like it," he said in a serious tone, cheesy grinning, before rambling off to who knows where.
"He went too heavy on the sauce tonight," I said, slipping my arm off her the moment Emmett's back turned.
She nodded with a forced smile. "So, I saw."
"I'm not even sure what that was all about."
She shrugged, unconcerned, showing it didn't matter to her.
The heat from the fire hit me like a blast. I ran the back of my hand across my forehead, uncomfortable, and wiped away the beginnings of perspiration.
"Where's Jasper?" she asked, gazing around us.
Stuffing my fists back into my pockets, I rested my backside on the car beside her. "I think he wandered off looking for cellphone reception... Is he and Maria still together? He hasn't said, and I don't want to ask." She didn't answer, already back in a world of her own. I nudged her with my shoulder. "Bella?"
"Sorry, Seth. They've been fighting a lot. That's all he's told me." She bit her lip and fidgeted. "Sorry about that. I just... I shouldn't have come because now that I'm here, I just want to go home."
I didn't say a word, waiting to give her a chance to confide in me if she were willing.
"I didn't realize it earlier, but I only came tonight because I thought..." She stopped herself from saying anymore. "Never mind what I thought. It doesn't matter."
But it mattered to me. I hated to see her so unhappy, and I knew I was about to do something that would probably end up being an action I'd regret. "It's Jake," I said.
Her short, airy gasp startled me. She tensed, and her face lit up. "Where?" Her eyes darted all over the crowd.
That told me all I needed to know. I swallowed hard. "I meant, it's Jake. You came with us just so you could see Jake. He's the guy, isn't he?"
She dropped her head down, twisting her foot in the dirt, and then lifted her face back up with reddening cheeks. "It is Jake."
My chest tightened but not a lot. It wasn't as if I didn't already suspect that answer, but it still hurt to hear it coming from her lips.
"Jake..." she repeated, her voice a dream-laced whisper as she said, "he's always been the guy," making me realize just how much he'd always been the guy. "Has it been obvious?"
"No," I said, pushing my own wounds aside. "Not at all. I just sort of figured it out tonight."
"I didn't think I cared if I ever saw him again, but I guess I do, and I know I shouldn't."
We fell silent, and the quiet between us felt uncomfortable. "He said he was coming. I thought he would have been here by now," I said. True, but words used only to break the silence.
"He probably found out I was here," she muttered, soft and unemotional; but the pain in her statement sliced me deep. I couldn't stand for her to feel that way. All I wanted was for her to be happy and feeling good about herself.
"Come on, Bella. You don't really believe that, do you?"
She swayed her body from side to side, like a tiny flower shifting with the breeze. "I don't know, Seth." She looked me in the eye and asked with a glimmer of hope. "Has Jacob ever said anything to you about me?"
I had no choice but to answer with the truth. "Well... no. But you haven't talked to me about him, either. So, that means nothing."
She rolled her eyes and turned away from me.
Ugh. That was all I could take. "Let's go," I said, standing upright and taking her by the arm.
"Where to?"
"To find Jacob! There's close to thirty or more cars out here, and everybody isn't standing at the fire."
We trekked from car to car, asking everyone we knew if they had seen Jake, getting loads of different answers, depending on who we asked. I wondered myself if he was avoiding us because several people claimed they'd seen him, directing us to the routes they'd thought he'd gone or to who they'd thought he was with.
Because of the darkness beyond the fire, I steadied Bella at times, to make sure she didn't fall. I didn't mind. I always watched over her that way.
After she almost fell for real, she threw her arms up in the air, frustrated. "It's no use. We'll never find him. Let's go back to the fire, Seth."
I didn't argue. I was tired of searching for him, too.
When we situated ourselves back on the hood of the car where we left from, Bella sighed. "We'll never find him because he doesn't want to be found." She lifted her finger to one of her eyes, and I thought I saw the twinkling of tears. "Not by me, anyway. I just don't understand what I ever did so wrong to him."
I do. Or, at least, I thought I might. I forced myself not to turn away; guilt tore at me, and I didn't want to see her cry. The only thing I wanted—more than anything else in the moment—was for Jake to show up and make her feel better.
"If we can't find him, it's because he isn't here," I said, attempting to provide her with some words of comfort. "He's training for Nationals, and you know how he feels about partying and drunk people. When I get to his house, the first thing I'll do is tell him you were looking for him. I'll bet you any amount of money he'll drop whatever he's doing to go find you." I hoped.
She looked away in disregard. "Then why do you suppose everyone else has run in to him except for us?"
"Pfft, they're all drunk. They probably don't know who they've run in to. Leah didn't see him, and neither did Paul, Jared, or Sam. Anyone who wouldn't be mistaken hasn't seen him." This was true.
"Maybe," she said, yet added a sad sigh of surrender. "Either way, I give up."
She leaned herself to the side, her shoulder brushing against mine. I thought about putting my arm around her to give her a supportive hug, but pushed the thought aside. I didn't want her to get the wrong idea, considering my past screw-ups. She needed a friend, not a dope hitting on her while she was down. Soon after, I let myself relax against her, arm to arm, and I felt her lean against me.
"Enough of this gloom," she said, her head touching my shoulder as she lifted her eyes to meet mine. As I inhaled the smoky scent caught on her, she smiled and asked, "So, now you know my secret, Seth. What's yours?"
"Jacob, where've you been?" someone sounded out.
Be careful what you wish for.
I glanced over to the group hanging closer to the fire, and Jacob was making small talk with different people, threading his way toward us. For some unknown reason—probably the get-the-hell-away-from-my-girl glare he gave me—I sprung up and away from Bella as if I was doing something wrong. "It's about time, dude. I've been..."
Bella moved in close beside me, hiding her hands in the pockets of her zip-up sweatshirt, shoulders tucked together like she was trying to make herself appear smaller.
"We. We've been looking for you all night," I said.
"So, I heard." He zeroed in on Bella, gluing his eyes to her like I wasn't even there.
"Where've you been?" I asked, receiving only silence.
I slid my attention back and forth between them, feeling like I was interrupting a personal moment, tempting me to back away and out of their circle, and getting the feeling that if I did, they wouldn't know or care.
They were swimming in each other's presence, practically drowning in it. It was weird and annoying, and it sucked to have to see it.
Bella's face glowed, and her blush matched with her cherry-glossed lips. Staring at him, she looked more beautiful than I'd ever seen her, except for one other time I could remember—that time she slipped off her porch. She had the look I fell in love with, and she had it because of him.
Jake gulped, trying to take his eyes off her but seeming unable. He finally said, "I was here for a while earlier. But I needed to go home to call my mom." He looked as if he was answering her instead of me.
I coughed, uneasy. That did the trick for Bella. Looking over at me and shuffling forward a step, she asked, "How are you, Jake?"
"I'm good. How about you?"
Awkward. "So, how did you get here, Jake?" I asked, to thin out the awkwardness and bring back some normalcy to the atmosphere.
"Dirt bike." He gave me a minimal amount of attention.
"You mind switching places with me? I'll take your bike back to Billy's, and you can head home with these guys." I needed to get the hell out of there, fast. "I'm pretty drained, and I don't think Emmett will be ready to head out for a long, long time. He's ridiculously trashed."
Jake seemed to think about my question becoming more lucid. Reaching into his pocket, he drew out his bike keys.
As I walked away, I replayed his expression as he came face to face with Bella after several months. It was a mixture of longing, affection, and heartache.
He's flippin' in love with her!
I got a taste of what Emmett must have felt when he had hisrevelation. I paused, scratching my head and wondering how in the hell I never saw it before.
Anger rolled through me, heat shooting up my neck. All he had to do was tell me about it.
"Clearwater!" one of the residential staff members hollered. Yah—short for Yaha Uta—was a brawny, middle-aged man. He was about six foot two, and he wore a long, thick, black braid. He looked younger than his age and had a reputation, warning us not to break the rules when he was on duty. "Mail delivery."
It excited me to read Bella's return address on the upper left corner of the purple envelope. She wasn't talking to me before I left home. I tore open the envelope, being reminded I had an audience when Yah mentioned he also had one for Jacob, asking me if I minded taking it to him since I was already heading in that direction.
"No problem!" I said, plucking it from his large, calloused hands before tugging my card out of its envelope.
It was just a birthday card. Bella wished me good luck at the new school and told me she would miss me. But I appreciated the sentiment, as if she'd just said she loved me. Because she was was super pissed at me before I left home, and I missed her.
Jake's card came from her, too—a black envelope. What really caught my attention was the smell. It was obvious she sprayed it with perfume. Bella wasn't the flowery-type girl. What the hell? I stood in the hallway, holding the envelope to my nose, speculating.
Then I remembered it wasn't his birthday. My curiosity kicked me in the rear. I couldn't stop myself. I didn't even try. Ducking into the nearest restroom, I opened it up. It wasn't a love letter; I didn't think. It was some miss-you words, and some good wishes stuff on the upcoming boxing season, and an "I can't wait to see you again" signed "Bella" with a smiley face. And she placed a picture of her inside.
The most I got from it was she had a crush on him. Unless I read too much into it? She told me she missed me, too. She might have written more if we'd got along better before I left. I felt a definite surge of anger, though. And I was unsure of who with—Bella, Jake, or myself. So, when he walked into the restroom, I stuffed his card into one of my books.
"There you are. I almost went to breakfast without you." I ignored him. "What's going on?" he asked.
In that instant, I wanted him, needed him to know how I still felt. "Look, I got a letter from Bella." I waved my card in front of him, grinning as wide as a clown.
"Oh, yeah. What'd she say?"
"She said she really misses me. I never told you what happened between us, did I?"
But even after I gave him the opening, he admitted nothing about her to me, and I ignored my suspicions, trying not to think about it. Scowling, I continued toward his bike, deciding he was just as at fault as me. Maybe even more. That's what he gets!
Still, Bella didn't deserve any of it. I rubbed the back of my now stiff neck.
I thought about Jake's lack of reaction when I exaggerated what happened between Bella and me at the Holiday dance and after my fight in the locker room. I must have been in such denial that my mind played a trick on me. Because now the memory appeared a lot like he'd sucked in his breath as if he'd just taken a hard fist to the kidneys.
I considered what Jake's response might have been toward me, had I been "the guy" instead of him. By the intensity of emotions I saw and finally understood, my head told me I would have been in for a good fight. But my gut... my gut told me that no matter how difficult it might have been, he'd be happy for me. He was my brother. Encouragement was all he'd ever shown me. And he deserved better from me than what he'd got back.
Debating, I hesitated, running both of my hands through my hair. Then, blowing out a sharp breath of air, I spun around and headed back to face the music.
Bella sat so close to Jake on the hood of the car that she just as well sat on his lap. I almost didn't want to disturb them. I halted about a good twenty feet away and lifted my voice. "Hey, Jake!"
He leaned away from her, tipping his chin at me. After saying something to her, he stalked toward me. "Yeah?"
I couldn't make myself glance at Bella. "It never happened the way I said it did." I straight up confessed, watching confusion appear on his expression.
"Huh?"
"Bella didn't kiss me. She didn't kiss me either time." His confusion turned to anger. "I was the one that kissed her, Jake, both times. I'm not even sure she kissed me back." The cat seemed to take hold of his tongue, so I continued. "I had no business making you believe it was more than that. I was just being stupid! You can tell her that. She'll hate my guts but tell her if it'll make things better between you guys." I handed his keys back to him, muttering, "I'll find another ride home." I turned away. He could hate me, too, if he wanted.
"Seth!" His tone demanded me to stop.
I froze, bracing myself for the rage sure to follow, but when I turned around, he lobbed the keys back to me and said, "I'll see you later, okay?"
I snatched them from the air, surprised, and nodded.
"We'll do something together tomorrow... if you want?"
I nodded another yes.
A few different emotions weren't hard to read—understanding, forgiveness, and there was something else. Pride. Jake was proud of me.
I couldn't say I was happy as I hopped on his bike and drove away, but I wasn't exactly sad, either. I was more like satisfied or content. Happiness, I would work on. When I reached the top, I curved around and stopped to take one last look at Bella. A little too far, but I bet she was blissful.
Jake was a tower in comparison. But somehow, they also seemed to be the same size. I shrugged, guessing I was more able to see them as Jake and Bella "the couple" versus just Jake and just Bella than I'd have thought.
Jacob is up next with his view on what went down.
