Hi my sweet Emison babes! First, I owe you all a big apology for how long it has taken me to update. A WHOLE two months! *face palm*. It definitely wasn't my intention to make you guys wait that long, but I'm sure you all know how life gets in the way of things. Thanks for your patience and I promise I wouldn't ever abandon this story...it's my baby! Second, FanFiction has been a MESS lately. It's been two months with the email notifications and story stats being messed up, but I think they're starting to get everything fixed. Anywho, I'm happy to be back and I hope you all will get notified of this chapter. Much love!
In response to the reviews:
•Flips712, Hi again! Hahaha damn me right? I couldn't resist the cliffhanger. Hope you're doing well! •MrsCalderon17, Hey! It's nice to hear from you again! Glad you got all caught up. Hope to see you next time! •Packersgirl492, I love interacting with all of you guys! I think it makes it more fun for everybody. Oh my god why would Marlene do that to us!! I totally understand that Shay wouldn't be in the show, but seriously, why divorce them?! Yeah Caleb and Spencer was truly awful and I'll never forgive the writers for that. I felt so bad for Hanna. And Ezra being A would've been great too. I never understood how the girls so easily forgave Ezra but they like never truly forgave Mona. I recently saw this edit on TikTok about if Emily was A and I thought that was so interesting. Moving on, yes…Yay Alison for her sobriety and working on herself. She's still a work in progress, but aren't we all? Lol. I loved writing that part of Alison waiting for a response from Emily and checking the mail. Yeah, Mrs. D is a piece of work. I'm also interested to see what Emily will say/do when she hears about Jessica assaulting Alison (and I'm the author lol). Emily definitely has her walls up. I'm still somewhat going off of her vibe from the show during senior year…she's kinda exiting her shy, less confident phase. Her trust has been broken, so it'll take her awhile to trust Alison again and open up her heart. Okay yes I kinda went off of Emily's MO in the show as well with her going through the entire queer dating pool in Rosewood lol. I also loved writing the scene when Alison stood up for Emily! See you next time! •To the first guest reviewer, how awesome! I watched this TikTok showing both sides of Niagara Falls and I think the Canadian side is so much cooler! Ugh I know! I literally just choose to be delusional and pretend the divorce didn't happen haha. Well I'm glad Marlene said they were back together, but obviously we won't get to see that:(. I bet the fans were after her throat after they watched it. Again I never watched the show and I heard about the divorce WAY later than everyone else did, but I'm sure when it happened in real time all of the Emison shippers lost their minds lol. A movie would be so great! I just wonder what storyline they would have if they did get all of the actors back together for a movie. Okay onto the story…I also love that Alison didn't jump into a new relationship! I feel like we were all traumatized after Elliot and Alison got together in the show….and them getting married out of the blue just didn't seem like something Alison would do…anywho that's one of the reasons I didn't have Ali move on so quickly in my story. Well thank you for your compliment love! I appreciate it! I haven't thought of writing another story after this one, but maybe I will. It's been fun! See you next time:)! •EmisonLove123 , Hi and thanks for checking in. It has been SO long since I've updated and I'm sorry! I'm going to try my best to not make you all wait for that long in the future. Awh well thank you for the compliment. I know!…I have a love for writing cliffhangers lol. Hope to see you next time love!
-3mison
Chapter Nineteen: Reunion
Alison
"We're not together anymore
You say each time I ask how you are
I'm sorry that I've been calling
And asking about your mom
I've just been wondering how she is
I'm sorry about your dog
I know you loved him a lot
I know it's none of my business
All the things that are happening
In your life
But I still care
I just want to tell you I still love you
But you'll just reply with
"That's not fair.""
-a poem from Pillow Thoughts 2 by Courtney Peppernell
Alison stood with her arms hanging awkwardly by her sides as Spencer drove off, leaving the two girls alone in the dark parking lot.
The silence following was ironically very loud. Emily hadn't taken a single step forward since she had laid eyes on the blonde.
She heard Emily clear her throat. The tension in the air was palpable. Alison's palms were sweaty and her heart was beating erratically. Okay, say something. Don't make this more awkward than it needs to be.
"Hey," Alison said quietly as she desperately tried to find her voice, but her breathing was shallow from the nerves. Being this close to the brunette after so long took the air out of her lungs.
Even in sweatpants and a hoodie, Emily somehow looked more gorgeous than the last time Alison had seen her.
Sitting next to her in their US Government class was one thing, but now, standing in front of the brunette was a whole other type of nervousness and adrenaline.
Alison was prepared for the possibility of Emily ignoring her entirely, but that was a risk she was willing to take.
She watched the brunette's jaw clench together. It felt like a whole thirty seconds had passed before Emily muttered out a barely audible: "Hey," back.
Emily switched her weight on her legs. She looked uncomfortable, and it broke Alison's heart. "I promise I'm not stalking you. I just want to talk," Alison said with a shy smile.
Emily didn't smile back. She could practically see the brunette's thoughts swirling. Please talk to me. Please tell me how you're feeling.
Alison couldn't handle the silence anymore. "You look good. I like the hair. The blonde suits you," she complimented sweetly. Emily's eyes dropped to the ground as she adjusted her gym bag on her shoulder.
"Thanks," Emily replied quietly, her tone distant and cold.
Alison felt her heart crack slightly from the hostility in the brunette's voice, but she wasn't going to let that stop her. It's me Em. Please talk to me.
Alison took a step towards Emily, slowly closing the distance between them, "Did you get my letter?"
She watched the brunette's eyes soften slightly after the mention of it. "Yes," Emily answered quietly still, but her tone wasn't as harsh as it previously was.
Alison hesitantly decided to take one more step closer towards her to make the space between them only a few short feet. Alison heard Emily inhale from the movement.
The brunette's features became more clear to see now in the glow of the parking lot lights.
Alison's heart was pounding. She wasn't sure what to expect from the brunette. She couldn't tell whether Emily was nervous or angry or annoyed. I used to always know what you were thinking or feeling. Why can't I now?
"I understand why you didn't write me back. I said some awful things to you," Alison admitted, desperately trying to get a conversation going.
"Yeah, you did," Emily replied back curtly. Alison flinched slightly. I deserve this. I was horrible towards her. She didn't deserve the words I said to her.
Alison refused to give up though, "Emily you have to believe me that I didn't mean any of it. I was just angry and drunk. I was hurting."
Emily looked at her with indifference, "You don't have a monopoly on pain Alison. I was hurting too."
The response from the brunette was enough to give Alison hope. At least she's talking to me. I just want to talk to her. That's all I need right now.
"I know," Alison replied sadly. Emily looked at her with pain in her eyes. It killed Alison. I'm the reason for her pain. She might never forgive me.
"Just because I ended it didn't mean that it was any easier for me," Emily said cooly.
"You're right," Alison agreed and took another step closer to her, "You have to know how sorry I am Emily. I wish I could take it all back, but I know I can't."
Alison wanted nothing more than to reach out and interlock their hands, but she knew she was already pushing it.
Emily stared at her for a long moment as Alison looked up at her. "I know. I-I understand why you were mad..." the brunette replied cautiously. Samara.
Alison felt a small pang of jealousy swell in her heart as her memory flashed back to Emily on top of another girl, but she brushed it off. That doesn't matter right now.
"How was Texas?" Alison asked as she redirected the conversation.
Emily couldn't hold eye contact with her long. "Good. It was nice to spend time with my dad," she replied as she kicked a rock with a shoe.
Even though the brunette had her walls up, Alison was still hopeful. She's still here. That's good.
Alison watched the rock roll across the parking lot before looking back at Emily. "Did he come back with you and your mom?" She asked as she met Emily's brown eyes.
The brunette broke eye contact yet again and looked down at the ground, "No. He was deployed again." Why can't you look at me?
Alison saw the frown line on Emily's forehead, "Oh...I'm so sorry."
Emily continued to mess with the rocks on the asphalt with her foot.
It was clear she wasn't going to respond to the blonde, so Alison continued her attempt to get Emily to talk: "So how do you like Rosewood High?" She asked through a shaky voice.
She was terrified of Emily walking away and driving off. It felt so good to hear her voice again, and Alison refused to let the brunette leave just yet.
Emily sighed as if she would rather be anywhere but there, "It's good," she answered shortly with her eyes still focused on the ground. Please look at me. I can't stand this.
"What made you want to go to public school?" Alison continued her questions.
She knew she sounded desperate, but she couldn't care less. All she cared about was the girl in front of her.
Emily's eyes flicked up to hers, "I needed a change," she replied in a monotone voice. Alison smiled lightly at her and nodded.
Emily broke their eye contact after she saw the blonde smile and looked off into the parking lot, clearing her throat.
This is awkward. Has a few months really changed her this much? Maybe she doesn't feel the same way about me anymore. Maybe...but I have to try. I have to know.
"I bet you could live without Mr. Branson's awful breath. I swear someone needs to give him a breath mint," Alison joked, and to her surprise Emily smiled.
"It is pretty bad," Emily replied back with a small grin.
They smiled at each other. "I've missed you," Alison said quietly in a sweet, longing tone.
Emily's smile disappeared, but before she could say anything a group of guys yelling in the parking lot broke their eye contact.
They both glanced off towards the obnoxious football players, and as their eye's travelled back to one another's, the awkwardness came back full force.
Alison saw Emily move to leave and panic rose inside of her.
"Are you free? We could go for a drive?" Alison offered up in a pleading voice.
Emily looked down to the ground again, "I'm working the closing shift tonight."
"Okay, how about tomorrow? I could pick you up after swim practice?" Alison sounded really desperate now, but that's what I am. Desperate.
"I have a church thing with my mom," Emily replied shortly.
"What about the day after that then?" Alison bit her lip.
Emily looked at her hesitantly, "Ali…" "Em, I want to try to fix this. I meant what I said in that letter. I want this...I want you," Alison said firmly as she took one more step.
Emily backed away from her, "I need to go," she mumbled out. Alison watched helplessly as Emily walked around to the other side of the car. She froze and couldn't find any words. It felt like she was losing her all over again. Just as Emily went to open the door, Alison finally found her voice.
"I've never stopped loving you," Alison spoke out into the silence between them. Emily stopped in her tracks.
"There hasn't been a day that's gone by that I haven't thought about you Emily," Alison started walking around the car after the brunette, "I've thought about you in the morning when I'm still lying in bed. I've thought about you when I'm with other people. I've thought about you every waking moment. You're even in my dreams."
Emily's eyes got watery as she looked down at the blonde. Alison was close enough to her to reach out and touch her, but she restrained herself.
"Do you…still love me?" Alison whispered.
This time, Emily held their eye contact. The brunette shook her head, "Don't," she whispered back painfully. She didn't say yes, but she didn't say no.
Alison hesitantly reached her hand out to Emily's. Alison's breath turned shallow from finally touching her after so long. She ran her fingers lightly over the top of Emily's hand. Alison noticed the obvious inhale of the brunette's from the touch. She didn't take Alison's hand into her own, but she also didn't pull away.
"Time hasn't changed a single thing for me Emily," Alison gently laced her fingers around the brunette's wrist, "I know exactly how I feel," she whispered. I can feel her pulse beneath my fingertips. Her heart is racing.
Without warning, Emily took a step away from Alison, making the blonde's hand fall to her side. Emily looked off into the parking lot.
"Em?" Alison saw the shine of the brunette's eyes from the overhead light, as if she were about to cry.
Alison waited for a moment, but the silence was driving her crazy, "Why can't you look at me?" She asked in a anxious tone.
Emily whipped her eyes to Alison, looking at her with anger in her eyes. "Don't ask me that. Don't ask me any of it," Emily spat out.
Alison's eyebrows scrunched together, "Why?"
Emily hastily wiped a tear away that fell from her eye, "Because you owe me that Alison." Alison looked back at her with confusion. "You owe it to me to leave me alone...To let me move past this," Emily finished through a heavy breath.
"Have you...moved past it?" Alison asked fearfully.
Emily sighed, "You don't make it easy. Writing that letter...showing up here," she said as she ran her fingers through her still wet hair.
"Because I love you Emily!" Alison shouted loudly. Emily's mouth parted open at a loss for words.
They held intense eye contact, looking at each other painfully. Alison's heart was beating erratically from emotion and adrenaline, but she took a deep breath to control herself.
"I know I hurt you. I can't take back what I did, but I want to earn your forgiveness. I wake up every morning and I'm nauseous because of what happened," Alison pleaded as her voice cracked, "I miss you with every part of me."
Seeing the pain in the brunette's eyes was too much. She couldn't hold herself back, so Alison took a step closer to the brunette and lifted her hand up to Emily's cheek.
"Let me make it right. Please," Alison whispered, searching the brunette's eyes as she caressed her face.
Emily opened her mouth to speak, but she closed her lips. She could tell the brunette was struggling to find words.
Just as Alison swiped a tear that fell from Emily's eye, the brunette took a step back.
She saw the gentleness in Emily's eyes morph into something harder, as if she put up her internal defenses. What are you so afraid of?
"I'm going to be late," Emily mumbled and turned away from the blonde, her back now facing Alison. She saw Emily reach for her car door again. No.
"You want to know why I'm not making this easy?" Alison asked, her voice gradually getting louder. She saw Emily's hand tighten around the door handle.
Alison waited for a response from Emily for a short second before continuing: "Because you mean more to me than that. I let you walk away once, hell, twice after you left to Texas. I know you going there for the summer was because of me."
Alison feared she would hop in her car and drive away, but she heard Emily sigh and watched her turn back around to face her. She looked at Alison with hesitation. The blonde could tell she was holding back tears.
"Emily I'll show up after every practice of yours if that's what it takes. I'll write you a million letters. You and I have something too special for us to just walk away and go on about our lives. If I have to grovel and beg and get down on my knees I will. I don't care," Alison pushed, her voice rising in pitch from emotion.
Emily's eyebrows scrunched together, a look Alison knew well. She could see the turmoil and pain in the brunette's eyes.
"Are you happy?" Alison asked boldly.
Emily looked at her incredulously, "What?" She asked back.
Alison smiled softly. You know what I'm asking.
"Are you happy?" Alison asked again pointedly.
Emily looked surprised, "Why...why are you asking me that?" She almost sounds afraid to answer.
"Because your happiness is all that I want Emily. If you're happier...without me...then I'll leave you alone. I'll let it go if that's what you want," Alison breathed out.
She waited for a reply patiently as Emily looked at her with sadness in her eyes. I know you're not happy.
Emily parted her mouth, "Ali I..." her voice trailed of. Alison saw the indecision written all over the brunette's face. "I need to go," Emily finally muttered out.
Alison let out a heavy breath of defeat. She nodded her head and stepped away from the car, "Okay," she replied.
As Emily opened the car door she turned to face Alison again. The blonde's heart beat sped up in expectation and hope.
"Have a good night," Emily said quietly.
Alison smiled sadly at her, "You too."
There wasn't anything more she could do or say except watch the girl she loved drive away.
"What are you doing here?" Hanna asked as Alison strutted into her room without an invitation. She drove herself to the Marin's house after seeing Emily.
Alison dramatically sighed and laid down on her bed, "I talked to Emily."
"What? Where?" Hanna walked over and sat down beside her on the bed.
"I waited for her in the parking lot after her swimming practice," Alison replied and threw an arm over her head, groaning loudly, "It was so awkward."
"Well of course it was awkward Ali! You ambushed her!" Hanna scolded her.
"I didn't ambush her Hanna! I just wanted to talk," Alison argued back.
"You told me you were staying in tonight," Hanna said with disapproval.
Alison peeked her eyes out from the arm she had over her face, "I changed my mind...mom," she replied sassily.
Hanna smirked, "Does your mom know you're here?"
Alison sighed, "No."
Hanna raised her eyebrows, "Ballsy."
Alison rolled her eyes and sat herself up on her elbow, "What more could she possibly do? Assault me? Too late," She shot back sarcastically.
Hanna gave her a concerned look, "I still don't understand why you're protecting her. My mom said the longer you wait to report the incident to the cops, the less likely she'll be charged with anything."
"I'm not reporting it Han," Alison replied causally as she opened her phone, hoping to see a text from Emily.
"Why not?" Hanna argued.
Alison tossed her phone on the bed, "Because it's embarrassing. I'm already the kid of divorced parents. People will more than likely find out that I'm bi, and now you want me to add orphan Annie to the list? No thank you."
"Ali, people won't care about that. It's not safe for you to live with her anymore," Hanna kept pushing, making Alison get more irritated.
"I'm fine Hanna," she snapped.
"No you're not Ali! She threw a freaking wine glass at your head!" Hanna shrieked.
Alison sat up and walked over to Hanna's vanity, "I'm aware. I have a scar on the back of my head to prove it," she grumbled back as she picked through Hanna's nail polish colors.
"I still think you should come live with us," Hanna continued pushing the subject.
Alison tilted her head back and raised a playful eyebrow at her, "I love you Han, but I don't think us sharing a room would go well."
Hanna let out a snort, "You already practically live here Ali."
She turned to face Hanna, "That reminds me, can I stay here tonight? Jason is in Georgia and I don't want to be home alone," she asked with a sheepish look on her face.
"You don't have to ask Ali. My mom literally invited you to move in with us, but you're too stubborn to accept it," Hanna raised a challenging eyebrow.
Alison rolled her eyes and turned back around. She snatched up a maroon color, cotton balls, and nail polish remover before walking back towards Hanna, "Let me do your toes."
"You just did them for me two days ago," Hanna said as she shifted up the bed.
"Yeah well it helps me think when I'm stressed," Alison tugged on Hanna's right foot.
"So what did the infamous Emily Fields say?" Hanna asked as she pulled off her sock.
"Barely anything," Alison replied as she opened the nail polish remover.
Hanna smirked, "Was this another imaginary conversation with her that you played out in your head?"
Alison shot her a look and tossed a cotton ball at Hanna, "No."
Hanna threw it back at her, "You sure? You did get hit on the head recently," she teased.
Alison glared at her, "Shut up." Hanna started giggling, and even Alison smiled back at her.
"I still have a chance with her," Alison said more seriously as she worked on removing the nail polish.
"You told me it was awkward," Hanna replied in a disbelieving tone.
"Just because it was awkward doesn't mean that it was bad," Alison rubbed off the nail polish from Hanna's pinky toe.
"Are you positive you actually saw her? I know you've been dying to talk to her again. I wouldn't blame you if you dreamed it up," Hanna teased again.
Alison sighed, "Can you be serious for like one second please?"
Hanna smiled and put her hands up in fake surrender, "Okay, okay. So what did you say to her?" She asked.
"I told her how much I missed her and how I want to fix things with her," Alison answered as she focused all of her attention on removing the nail polish.
Hanna raised her eyebrows, "That's it?"
Alison glanced up at her, "No, that's not all," she shot back sarcastically, "I told her I still loved her," she added more quietly.
"Well did she say anything back?" Hanna asked as she pulled off her other sock.
"She wants me to let her move on," Alison answered with her eyebrows furrowed as she worked on Hanna's toes, "But I don't think she really wants that."
Hanna cocked an eyebrow, "Ali, maybe it's time."
Alison's eyes shot up to her, "Time for what?" She snapped.
Hanna gave her a sympathetic look, "She never wrote you back."
"Okay, and?" Alison was shooting daggers Hanna's way.
"I'm just saying that she's making it pretty clear what she wants," Hanna explained herself cautiously.
Alison angrily tossed the used cotton balls to the side, "So what are you saying? That I just give up?"
Hanna sighed, "You've done all that you could have Ali. I know you love her, but you don't deserve to wait for forever. I let it go during the summer, but you can't keep holding on to something that's hopeless."
Alison's eyes flickered down to Hanna's toes. "I just hate seeing you like this," Hanna added kindly after her friend didn't respond.
Alison cleared her throat and casually picked up the nail polish, "You don't get it."
"What don't I get? I've been here since the beginning Ali. I've seen what this has been doing to you. It's changed you," Hanna said, her voice getting softer.
"I would wait for forever Hanna. That's what you don't get, okay?" Alison snapped irritably, "She's worth every minute of waiting."
Hanna shook her head in annoyance, "And what are you worth? Do you think it's healthy for you to be doing this? You deserve more Ali."
Alison huffed and screwed the top of the nail polish back on, "And what's more Hanna? Tyler? Do you think he's going to give me what I deserve?" She replied sarcastically.
"Maybe! You've barely given him the chance," Hanna argued.
Alison rolled her eyes and started to paint her friend's nails again, "Whatever."
"He's totally in love with you Ali! I swear every time he looks at you he has heart eyes," Hanna continued.
Alison snorted, "Tyler wouldn't know what love is even if it hit him in the face, and heart eyes? More like boner eyes. He's no different than any guy at school."
"He's a gentleman," Hanna argued back.
Alison rolled her eyes, "He's a teenage boy with a dick. He might have more manners than most of those boneheads, but trust me, he isn't in love with me. Boys are simple beings Han."
"Not all guys are the same. What about Caleb? He loves me," Hanna said defensively.
"Yeah well Caleb is one of the rare ones. You got lucky." Alison used the end of her thumbnail to lightly scrap off some of the paint from Hanna's toe.
"So why are you still hanging out with him?" Hanna asked in an accusatory tone.
Alison looked up at her with raised eyebrows, "We're friends Han."
She raised her eyebrows right back at Alison, "You're leading him on."
Alison rolled her eyes at that, "I told him I don't want to be in a relationship. If he didn't get the hint from that, then I don't know what else will."
"What guy sticks around after being shot down?" Hanna asked rhetorically, "A guy who's in love Ali!"
She scoffed, "He wants in my pants."
"And that's a bad thing becauseeee?" Hanna asked while looking at her friend as if she were clinically insane, "He wouldn't be the worst guy to hook up with," she added.
Alison let out a laugh, "So now you're suggesting I have sex with him?"
"I'm just saying Ali, you've been a ball of stress and anxiety lately. You need some orgasms," Hanna instructed.
Alison squinted her eyes at her friend, "Thanks for your concern, but I think I'm good on that," she replied sarcastically.
"You sure? I can literally feel your tension right now," Hanna said back as she texted Caleb, "If I'm having a bad day, all I have to do is see my man and poof! All better!" She exclaimed with a bright smile.
"Sex with Tyler isn't going to fix anything," Alison grumbled as she finished up painting the last of her friend's toes.
Hanna looked down at her with worry, "Well even if he isn't the one, you deserve to give yourself the chance to find happiness with someone else."
"I already found the one. So why would I waste my time with somebody else?" Alison asked, "Emily still loves me. I know it. I just have to show her that I'm worthy of her love, and I will."
"Ali, I-" "-She's not happy Hanna. She could barely look me in the eyes," Alison interrupted.
"Maybe she wasn't happy because you showed up unannounced after her swimming practice," Hanna shot back.
Alison glared at her before directing her attention back down at her task, "She's hesitant to trust me again. She wanted to talk but she was holding back. I could see it in her eyes."
"Or maybe she just didn't want to talk Ali. I mean seriously, how much longer are you going to pine after her?" Hanna asked, clearly getting frustrated with her friend.
"I have a plan," Alison continued as she applied the nail polish carefully.
Hanna rolled her eyes, "What's that? Stalking the girl until she gets a restraining order?"
Alison gave her a death glare. "It's called playing the long game," she replied with a smirk.
"It's called borderline obsession Ali."
Alison shrugged, "Love...Obsession...What's the difference?"
Hanna let out a laugh, "So how are you going to 'play the long game'?"
Alison blew lightly on Hanna's freshly painted toes, "I'm going to fight for her...for us. That's what I told her, and I plan on doing exactly that. I'll bring her flowers and write her letters. If I have to romcom the hell out of her I will."
Hanna laughed, "Well if you catch a stalking charge, I'm not going to be an accessory to it."
Alison laughed too, but her smile slowly left her face, "I only want to show her how much I love her."
"Do you really think she's just playing hard to get?" Hanna questioned as she slid up her bed.
Alison gathered the dirty cotton balls into her hands, "She's not playing hard to get, she's hurt. Plus she's not a prize like some stupid stuffed animal at a carnival."
Hanna pursed her lips, "What about the hurt Emily has put you through Ali? She's not innocent either. She went and hooked up with someone seconds after she broke up with you."
At that, Alison broke eye contact with Hanna. She picked up the items and went to put them back on her friend's vanity.
"Yeah well I said yes to going to prom with someone else right in front of her and I lied to her mom. I'm not keeping count on who has hurt who. I'm trying to own up to what I did," she replied with her back turned to her friend, looking out the bedroom window.
She would be lying to herself if she said that it didn't still sting. Sometimes Alison would close her eyes and she could see the panicked look in Emily's eyes after she walked in on them in the bedroom. It hurt her still after all this time.
It felt like a betrayal. Alison tried to shove that thought away. We weren't together. She was free to do what she wanted, she said to herself, You hurt her too, she justified.
What hurt more was that Emily got into a whole relationship with someone in Texas. Samara may have just been a hookup, but a relationship was something else entirely...a relationship that she might still be in. She chose not to bring it up when she saw Emily a few short hours ago.
Aside from the jealously, it made Alison question if Emily ever did feel the same way about her.
Maybe she wasn't as in love as I was, Alison thought often. Maybe this really is hopeless, she thought to herself, but I can't give up yet. I still might have a chance.
As if Hanna could read her mind: "You don't even know if she's still in a relationship Ali."
Alison gritted her teeth together and spun around to face her, "She didn't mention her."
"Did you ask?" Hanna questioned.
Alison scoffed. "No," she replied and flopped back onto her friend's bed.
Hanna raised her eyebrows, "Seems like that would be good information to know if you're hellbent on getting back together with her."
Alison groaned, "Do you want to go shopping after school tomorrow? I need some retail therapy," she asked, ignoring Hanna's comment.
"Can't, my mom is forcing me to go to this stupid clothing drive at the church," Hanna complained as she typed a message to Caleb.
Alison cocked an eyebrow and glanced up at her, "Since when does your mom go to church?"
Hanna smirked, "Since she met the pastor."
Alison widened her eyes in surprise, "Your mom is banging the preacher?" She asked with a laugh.
Hanna waved her hands dramatically, "Ew! Why would say that? I'd like to pretend my mother doesn't have a sex life."
Alison's giggles abruptly stopped and she sat herself up on her elbows, "Wait…you said that's tomorrow?"
Hanna looked at her quizzically, "Yeah. Why? Wanna come?" She asked jokingly.
Alison, ignoring Hanna entirely, mumbled: "That's perfect," to herself.
Hanna furrowed her eyebrows, "You actually want to come? You know I was joking right?" She asked in disbelief.
"No, but Emily is going to be there….and you are going to be there," Alison suggested knowingly.
It took Hanna a moment to understand what Alison was getting at, but then her eyes widened, "No, no Ali."
Alison excitedly moved up onto her knees in front of her on the bed, "Hanna please," she begged.
Hanna shook her head with resolution, "Absolutely not. Do you remember what happened the last time I tried to help you two?"
"That was different," Alison argued.
"I don't care! I'm not having you talk me into this Ali," Hanna added in a shrill voice.
Alison pushed her lips out and pouted, "Common Han! You owe me."
Hanna gave her a confused look, "How do I owe you?" she asked dumbfounded.
"Who gave Caleb your number after all those weeks of you crushing on him?" Alison answered with a knowing eyebrow raise, as if she won the argument.
Hanna huffed out a breath in annoyance, "Ali, even if I did, what am I supposed to say?"
She grinned, "So that's a yes?"
Hanna glared at her whilst Alison waited expectantly with hopeful eyes.
"Do I have a choice?" Hanna complained.
Alison simply batted her eyelashes.
"Ugh, fine," Hanna agreed begrudgingly.
Alison's grin turned into a full blown smile.
"But, this is the last time I'm getting in the middle," she added.
"Fair," Alison consented.
"So why am I doing this again?" Hanna grumbled.
"You're going to find out if she's still with that girl from Texas," Alison answered as if it were obvious.
Hanna groaned, "How the hell am I supposed to do that?"
Alison smirked and sat beside her on the bed, telling Hanna the exact plan she had brewing in her head.
Emily
"'The Things We Hide'
And so,
I have put away the photographs, every trace of you
I know.
The things that seem to matter less, are the ones we put on show."
-prose and poetry from Memories by Lang Leav
That next morning,
"I'm sorry for calling you right before school," Wayne apologized through the phone.
"It's fine dad. I got here early anyways," Emily replied as she looked out into the school parking lot from her car.
Hearing her dad's voice put a smile on her face. She wasn't expecting the call at all, so it was a pleasant surprise to see her dad's caller ID pop up on her phone.
"So how are you liking the new school? I spoke with your mom for a bit before I called you and she said you're liking it," Wayne asked.
"It's good so far," Emily answered simply.
Wayne chuckled through the phone, "'Good?' That's all I get?"
Emily grinned, "It's nothing too special dad."
"Well whatever my little girl is up to is special to me. Do you like your teachers and your peers? No one has given you a hard time right?" He asked.
Emily's thoughts drifted to the comment Noel made yesterday, but she chose to not tell her dad about it. Despite her best efforts to not let the rude jab bother her, it did.
She mentally prepared herself for the possibility of homophobia from the other students. It was a small town after all, but even though she knew it might happen, the thought didn't quite compare to the actual moment of when it did.
It was like a verbal punch. Emily knew she shouldn't let a snide comment from a cocky, obnoxious jock get to her, but it stuck around like an annoying rock in her shoe.
Then there was Alison who stuck up for her. I should have told her thank you yesterday, she thought, but saying that came with much more. She shook the thought off.
"I'm not that little anymore dad," Emily sighed into the phone.
"No matter how old you are you'll always be my little girl," Wayne said.
Emily smiled, "Even when I'm about to turn 18 soon?"
Her dad let out of small laugh, "Yes, even then."
"Everyone seems nice though," she finally answered.
"That's good. How about swimming? Are you ready for the meet coming up?" Her dad questioned.
"Yeah I'm ready. I'm just a little nervous...some college scouts will be there," Emily replied as she chewed on the skin by her fingernails.
"You're the best swimmer on that team. Don't overthink it. You'll be incredible," Wayne encouraged through the phone, his voice cutting in and out because of the bad connection.
Emily absentmindedly watched more students hop out of their cars. "I miss you dad," she said sadly.
She heard him sigh, "I miss you always Emmy. Listen, I gotta go. I don't know when we'll be able to talk next, but never forget how much I love you. I'll be home before you know it."
"Okay, I love you too."
"I'm so proud of you. See you soon?" He asked.
"See you soon," Emily repeated the shared sentiment before the call ended.
Emily slid her phone into a pocket in her backpack. Just as she was about to open the door, a car blasting loud music flew into a parking spot a row in front of her.
She cracked a small smile to herself. Classic Hanna. Emily missed the blonde, but she knew a friendship with her wasn't a possibility.
Part of her debated on getting out of her car to say hello to Hanna, but that thought quickly changed after she saw not only the driver's side door open, but also the passenger.
Emily's heart instinctively skipped a beat from seeing Alison. She silently cursed her own body's reaction. She knew very well that choosing to go to Rosewood High also included seeing Alison every day, but it had been a harder adjustment than she originally thought it would be.
The blonde was wearing a sleeveless floral tank top that showed off her delicate arms. She had paired it with a short black skirt that accentuated her toned legs. She also had tall heels on that made her calves pop.
She watched Alison flip her hair back and laugh animatedly at something Hanna said. Emily scolded herself again when her own lips naturally curved upwards into a grin.
That movement was just so Ali. There was something special about that girl's angelic laugh and gorgeous smile. Emily wasn't lost to the fact that her cheeks had warmed up.
Just as she was about to turn her eyes away and stop being creepy, Tyler ran up to the two girls and engulfed Alison into a hug.
That definitely didn't make Emily want to smile.
She took note that Alison turned her hips and only gave him a side hug, but seeing him touch her lit a spark of jealousy inside of her.
Emily didn't like that feeling one bit.
When Alison said yes to going to prom with him, she mainly felt anger and disappointment. Now though, seeing them at lunch together yesterday and seeing him with her today made her feel sick to her stomach.
She knew she had no right to feel that way. She wasn't allowed to have a sense of possessiveness over Alison anymore, yet she still felt jealous.
Alison had every right to be with someone else. Not that Emily necessarily wanted that, but who was she to feel jealous? She knew it was very hypocritical of her to be bothered by it.
Emily knew she hurt Alison immensely when she hooked up with Samara. She also had a relationship with Maya over the summer, but she doubted Alison even knew about that.
As she watched them all walk off towards the school, Emily felt a headache coming on.
She wanted Alison to be happy, so why was it so hard to see her smiling and laughing with him?
She also felt a little angry. Alison was just at her car last night begging her to fix their relationship, yet she has a thing going on with Tyler?
Emily was well aware that it wasn't fair of her to be upset about that. She was the one who didn't write Alison back over the summer. She was the one who practically ignored the girl last night.
She had her reasons for doing so.
At least, she convinced herself she had her reasons. Emily had already forgiven Alison. That's who she was...a kind person who forgave easily. Sometimes she wished she wasn't so forgiving, but it was a part of herself that she couldn't change.
Alison surprised her. She didn't think the blonde would ever show up like that after she hadn't wrote her back. Last nights' meeting didn't make anything easier for her.
Emily felt guilt wash over.
She saw the pain and anguish in Alison's eyes. She heard the remorse in Alison's voice, but she never explicitly told the blonde that she had forgiven her.
Who was she to let Alison beg for forgiveness and a second chance when Emily had hurt all the same?
She had missed Alison. She missed her with every single part of her as well. She felt an ache in her heart ever since the day she broke up with her.
Alison didn't know that though. She couldn't have known that. Was I awful towards her last night? Was I a complete bitch? Maybe.
The problem was though is that Emily didn't know what she wanted. Okay, maybe that was a lie, but the logical side of her fought against her heart. She promised herself she would follow that logical voice inside of her head...even if it tore her heart to shreds.
Now, however, there was a new voice inside her head, and that voice belonged to Alison DiLaurentis.
All she could hear was Alison asking her if she was happy.
Emily didn't tell her the truth. She couldn't. The main reason being that she did not want to admit it to herself.
Of course she wasn't happy.
She knew Alison could see it...at least she thought the blonde could tell. She wasn't sure.
The worst part was that Emily froze when Alison asked if she wanted her to let her move on. Alison gave Emily an opportunity to tell her to leave her alone, and all the brunette could say was that she needed to go. Emily cursed herself for doing so.
What was even worse than freezing up, was the reason why she did. That scared Emily even more. Her mind was screaming at her to tell Alison to move on and never speak to her again, but she couldn't. The words refused to come out of her mouth, and she knew why.
Telling Alison to leave her alone went against every instinct in her entire body, and that's why she couldn't say it.
Emily knew that wasn't fair of her to leave the blonde hanging like that though. Alison didn't deserve to wait on her when she wasn't able to give the blonde what she deserves...at least that's what Emily said to herself.
She tried her hardest to not let Alison in. She didn't want Alison to see the truth lying inside of her. That truth being that she was still in love with her, and that every day she had spent apart from her had been miserable.
So Emily bit her tongue. She held back the tears to the best of her ability. She avoided looking into the piercing blue eyes watching her every movement...looking inside of her soul. She put her body in auto pilot and drove away, because if she hadn't...well...
It's not that Emily wanted to be rude to Alison. Of course she didn't want to pretend like she barely knew her, but she did. She had to.
Alison couldn't have known that her heart was hammering out of her chest the whole time. Alison couldn't have known that she avoided eye contact because if she had looked in her eyes she would've ran straight into her arms. Alison couldn't have known that her hands were shaking so bad afterwards that she could barely drive herself to work.
There were a million things Emily wanted to ask Alison.
She wanted to know how her eighteenth birthday went. She wanted to ask how her aging grandma in Georgia was doing. She wanted to know what her and Hanna had been up to that summer. She wanted to ask how her mother's drinking problem was going. She wanted to know every single detail of Alison's life since they had been apart, but she couldn't bring herself to ask.
Emily had put up her defensive walls for reasons she herself wasn't even completely convinced of.
She told herself that it was impossible for them to start over. She told herself that she needed to focus on school and swimming. She told herself that it wouldn't be healthy for them to get back together.
Was that the truth? Even Emily didn't know, but she was committed now. That's what she justified to herself anyways. No one would know how she really felt. Not her mom. Not her dad. Not Spencer. Not Alison. No one.
It was safer that way. Even if that meant possibly losing the love of her life a second time around. Even if that meant she came off as cold hearted. Even if that meant losing a piece of herself. Even if that meant seeing Alison with another person.
A knock on her car window made her jump, immediately scaring her out of her thoughts.
Spencer was smirking down at her with a raised eyebrow.
Emily took a deep breath and grabbed her backpack before opening the door.
"Jumpy much?" Spencer teased.
"Yeah," Emily sighed out as she tossed her backpack on her shoulder and started walking off towards the school.
Spencer eyed her with concern as she got in stride with her. "Sooo?" She asked pointedly.
Emily glanced over at her, clearly not understanding what was going on.
Spencer gave her look, "Are you going to tell me what happened with Alison?"
Emily broke eye contact as they walked. She had been so caught up in her thoughts that she almost forgot Spencer was with her when Alison showed up beside her car last night.
"Oh. That," Emily responded dismissively.
She wasn't trying to brush off Spencer, but she really didn't want to talk about it. Alison had already been running circles in her head like a hamster on a wheel.
Spencer let out a laugh, "Well what did she say?"
Emily tightened her jaw, "A lot," she replied as they climbed the stairs into Rosewood High.
"Care to share?" Spencer pushed for more information.
"Honestly, not really. I'd rather just move past it," Emily answered grumpily, trying to push her way through the other students.
Spencer looked at her quizzically, "Well do you think that's smart to ignore it?" She asked in a judgmental tone.
Emily quickly glanced at her in annoyance as she put in her locker combination, "I don't know."
Spencer raised an eyebrow, "Em, you can't bury everything inside of you or it'll eat you up."
At that, Emily stopped her attempt to open her locker and faced Spencer. "I'm fine," she said back more rudely than she intended.
"I was just trying to help," Spencer tried to defend herself and calm down her friend.
"I don't need help Spencer! What I need is for you to drop the subject," Emily snapped.
Spencer raised her eyebrows in shock, "Consider it dropped," she shot back before turning to walk away.
Emily squeezed her eyes shut as her hand rested on her locker. She took a deep breath.
"Spence," she said in an apologetic tone as she turned to face her friend, but Spencer was already halfway down the hall.
"Damnit," she cursed under her breath.
Emily yanked open her locker aggressively and a small piece of notebook paper floated towards the ground.
She was too pent up and frustrated to even question what the paper was as she bent down to pick it up.
Emily tossed it back inside her locker, but her eyes caught a flash of the red ink on the paper.
Her heart skipped a beat as her slender fingers reached for the note again. Emily unfolded it carefully, and before she even read the words she knew whose handwriting it belonged to.
Her eyes flickered back and forth as she re- read the note over and over again: "Reasons why I love you: 1) Your smile. It lights up any room you walk into. Seeing you smile is one of the greatest things I have ever seen. XO"
Emily didn't even have a moment to process the note from Alison because the first bell rang. She hastily folded it back up and tucked it inside her pocket before rushing off to her class.
Emily hadn't gotten a chance all morning to apologize to Spencer. Not only did she feel awful about snapping at her, but there was a note inside her pocket that was practically burning a hole into her jeans.
She tried her best to focus during her morning classes, but it was incredibly difficult. It came as a shock to Emily that Alison was pursuing her as much as she had been the past two days.
It completely threw her through a loop, and her plans of being entirely dedicated to her studies and swimming had been derailed. Her thoughts were running a mile a minute.
Finally lunch rolled around, and she was hurrying through the lunch line so she could find Spencer.
Just as she turned around with a full tray of food in her hand, she ran smack dab into Noel Kahn.
The tray went flying, causing the food to spill all over her and the cafeteria floor.
"Watch where you're going!" His loud voice boomed through the lunchroom, making the whole cafeteria go silent and causing everyone to turn their attention to Emily and Noel.
Emily stood frozen. "I'm sorry. I wasn't paying attention," she apologized sincerely, her cheeks turning a bright red from embarrassment.
"Clearly," he fumed, swiping off a piece of food that had landed on his arm in the process. Emily, however, had most of the spilt food on her.
As she bent down to clean up the mess, Noel continued: "Too bad you're not as good at walking as you are at swimming, dyke," he spat out with a smirk on his face.
Emily bit her lip as a round of laughter echoed through the cafeteria. She immediately bent down on the heels of her feet to start picking up the mess, trying to hold back tears.
She saw Noel begin to walk away from the corner of her eye, and thankfully the rest of the students turned their attention back to their other conversations.
She was far too embarrassed to notice the pair of heels that walked up beside her. She wanted to clean up the mess as quickly as possible and get the hell out of there.
"Too bad you're not as good at football as you are at running your mouth, dick," Alison yelled back.
Another round of gasps and giggles came from the students in the cafeteria.
Emily's eyes shot up to the blonde standing protectively above her, but Alison wasn't looking down at her...she was shooting daggers Noel's way.
Noel turned around from Alison's comment and faced her. "Good one DiLaurentis," he replied snidely, "Protecting your girlfriend huh? Since when did you switch to girls?"
At that, everyone's attention was completely focused on them, but no one dared to laugh at Alison. Emily gulped from her place crouched below the blonde.
Alison had a hand on her hip and rolled her eyes, "That's the best you can do? Harass the new girl and make homophobic comments?"
Alison didn't stop at that though. She proceeded to take one step closer to Noel to throw the last punch: "You know I read somewhere that the most homophobic people are gay themselves. So tell me Noel, what do you really do in the boys locker room?"
This time, everyone burst into laughter...even Noel's friends. Noel glared at Alison, but he wisely chose to not say anything back. Instead, he angrily turned away from them and stormed off.
"Anyone else have more to say?" Alison asked loudly, her question directed to the rest of the students watching. Everyone immediately turned their eyes away and went back to their lunch.
Emily quickly focused back to scooping up the mess on the floor. She felt the presence of Alison beside her, and before she knew it the blonde was crouched down beside her as well.
"Are you okay?" She asked softly whilst helping the brunette put the food back onto the lunch tray.
Emily nodded her head, but she didn't look Alison in the eyes. Her hands were shaking as she went to grab the now empty milk carton.
Alison's soft fingers covered the brunette's quivering hand. "Em...let me do it," Alison instructed quietly.
"It's fine. I got it," Emily replied through a stammering voice.
Alison gently moved the brunette's hand out of the way and picked it up herself.
Emily's jaw tightened as she stared down at the floor, still refusing to look the blonde in the eyes. Alison then reached both of her hands out to grab the lunch tray from the shaken up brunette.
Emily glanced over at Alison, finally making eye contact with her as the blonde's hands grazed her own, taking the tray from her.
The look in Alison's eyes was enough to keep herself from crying in the middle of the cafeteria. It was as if Alison was giving the brunette her own strength and confidence, silently telling her to keep her head high and stand up.
The two of them stood up simultaneously.
She watched Alison strut over to the trash can and dump the food off of the lunch tray, but before the blonde could turn around, Emily speedily walked out of the cafeteria.
Emily burst through the bathroom doors and walked over to sink. She went to turn the water on, but her hands were shaking too bad.
She gripped the sink and tried her hardest not to cry, but the tears had now started falling down her cheeks.
She instinctively jumped when the bathroom door opened.
Her and Alison stared at each other for a short moment before the blonde quickly walked over to her.
Alison eyed her as she stood inches away from the brunette, looking at her with concern.
Out of anyone who could've came into the bathroom at that moment, Emily was glad it was Alison, but at the same time she didn't want the blonde to see her like that. Not anymore, at least.
Emily tried to wipe her tears, but it didn't help because more kept steadily coming.
"He's an asshole," Alison said firmly in an attempt to comfort her.
Emily nodded while biting her lip. She reached across Alison's body and yanked a paper towel from the dispenser.
Emily started to dab her tears away, but something about being in the blonde's presence made her break down even more. A quite sob escaped her mouth and Alison instantly put her hand on the brunette's bicep.
"Let me," Alison whispered and took the paper towel from Emily's hand.
She let out a shaky breath and inhaled deeply to try to get her breathing under control.
Suddenly her emotions quickly changed as the blonde started gently drying her cheeks.
Emily hadn't been that close to Alison in a long time. She felt the blonde's warm breath on her lips. She smelt the blonde's perfume. Their proximity became very apparent.
Alison must have felt Emily's mood change because her eyes flickered up to the brunette's. Emily's breathing became shallow as they gazed into each other's eyes.
Out of nowhere, Alison set the paper towel on the counter and lifted both of her hands up the Emily's cheeks, using the pads of her thumbs to rub off the brunette's mascara under her eyes.
"Thanks," Emily said quietly.
Alison's hands didn't leave their place on her face. "Always," she whispered back.
Alison's eyes quickly glanced down to the brunette's lips, and that movement wasn't lost on Emily. She felt her heart speed up and butterflies fill her stomach.
Alison made the slightest of movements closer to her face, but the bathroom door opening made them both jump back in surprise.
Alison spun around to face the unwelcome girl. "Go away," she said rudely.
"I have to use the restroom," the girl replied back.
"We were in here first," Alison snapped back.
Their classmate scoffed, "You don't own the bathroom."
Emily was prepared for the blonde to spurt out the bitchiest of words, but instead, Alison just said: "Can you just please go use the bathrooms by the Freshman hall?"
The girl sighed with annoyance, but she left the bathroom.
Alison turned around sporting the same look of worry and concern for her.
Emily didn't let the same thing happen twice though. She couldn't let it. If that girl hadn't came into the bathroom when she did, Emily knew they would've kissed.
She let the blonde get too close for comfort, and she was internally kicking herself for doing so. She got too caught up in the emotions and the moment.
"I need to go get a shirt from the locker room," Emily said dismissively and started to walk around Alison, but the blonde stuck her hand out and gently wrapped her fingers around Emily's wrist.
"Em..."
Emily's body stiffened from the touch. She turned her head slightly to make eye contact with Alison. She knew what conversation the blonde was attempting to start.
"I can't Ali," Emily said back painfully. I can't talk to you. I can't have you touching me. I can't be in the same room as you.
Alison pulled her hand away but she moved closer to the brunette.
"Why? Tell me why you can't Emily," she asked, looking up at her with nothing but love, patience, and devotion.
Emily stared at her, debating on what to say. "Thank you...for helping me," she said genuinely, ignoring Alison's question entirely.
She saw the frustration on the blonde's face, so Emily regretfully looked away. She heard Alison sigh and take a step away from her.
When she looked back at Alison, she was surprised to see her blue eyes filling with tears. Emily felt a wave of guilt.
"Ali...I'm sorry. I just can't," she lamely apologized, still not giving the blonde the answer she deserved.
Alison cleared her throat and gave Emily a sad smile.
"Go," she said sweetly while motioning with her hand towards the door, "You probably should change before the bell."
The look in Alison's eyes killed her. Emily went against her better judgement and took a step closer to her.
"Ali..."
She was about to reach a hand out to the blonde when another girl entered the bathroom.
Emily took one final look at Alison who was still looking up at her expectantly. There were so many emotions in the blonde's eyes. Worry. Love. Frustration. Confusion. Wanting.
Emily knew what she should do...what she wanted to do, but instead she broke eye contact and left the bathroom, leaving Alison in her wake.
"Hey, I heard what happened at lunch. Are you okay?" Spencer asked her as she walked into the locker room.
Emily still had yet to see her best friend. The whole day had been a blur from start to finish.
"You heard?" Emily asked with a grimace as she pulled on her swim suit.
Spencer tossed her gym bag on the bench beside them.
"Yeah...everyone is talking about Alison putting Noel in his place."
Emily continued grimacing, "Everyone? Great."
Spencer gave her a pointed look, "Emily he's the one who should be embarrassed. Not you."
Emily sighed and wrapped a towel around her body.
"You're right but it was still embarrassing."
Spencer gave her a fiery look, "I'm going to kill him."
Her eyes widened, "Spencer no. I don't want to poke the bear. I'm okay."
Spencer scoffed, "He's not a bear, he's a grade A asshole."
"That's what Alison said," Emily mumbled under her breath.
"Huh?" Spencer asked as she starting taking her clothes off.
Emily leaned up against the lockers.
"Nothing."
Spencer glanced over at her.
"I should have been there. I'm sorry. I was in the library trying to catch up on studying."
"It's not your fault Spence," Emily replied, running a hand through her hair.
"I swear the next time I see him I'm going to kick him in the-" "-No, please just leave it be. I'd rather not start issues with the richest guy in school."
Spencer let out a sarcastic laugh, "His parents are rich, not him."
Emily gave her an irritated look.
"Same thing."
"I don't care how much money his family has. That won't hold a torch to my rage," Spencer said fiercely.
Although her friend was being entirely serious, Emily couldn't help but smile.
"I appreciate it, but I think Alison handled him."
Spencer finally pulled her swim suit up.
"So it's true then? She really stood up for you?"
Emily nodded, "Spence I owe you an-" "-No you don't. I'm sorry," Spencer interrupted.
Emily looked at her inquisitively.
"I should respect that you aren't ready to talk about her. I know how pushy I can be sometimes. I promise I won't bring her up unless you want to tell me."
Emily smiled lightly and paused for a moment before saying: "She wants me back," out of nowhere.
Spencer froze in the middle of pulling her hair into a tight bun, widening her eyes in the process.
"She apologized for everything," Emily continued, "She said she wants to make things right and wants us to try again."
"I assumed as much. Well what do you want?" Spencer hesitantly asked, treading carefully on the subject.
Emily sat down on the bench and sighed, "I want a lot of things."
Spencer smirked at her as she shoved the rest of her clothes into her locker.
"You know what I meant...do you want to get back together with her?"
Emily considered for a brief moment of opening up more, but she had promised herself that she wouldn't. Opening up meant talking about her feelings...so she played it off as casually as she could:
"I don't know," she breathed out before standing up, "Want to go do some warm up laps?"
Spencer eyed her suspiciously as if she knew Emily wasn't telling her everything, but she stayed true to her word and didn't push the subject.
"Sure," Spencer replied while grabbing her towel.
Emily gave her a grateful smile as they walked off towards the pool.
Emily's day seemed to never end. She was throughly annoyed with her mom for not allowing her get out of the clothing drive.
After swimming practice, she begged to her mom to let her stay at home, but Mrs. Fields was adamant about Emily going.
So there she was, mindlessly sorting through items of used clothing in a dusty, dingy church basement.
Emily was entirely zoned out as she monotonously tossed shirts into bins. She was so exhausted she couldn't get herself to think about anything...not missing her dad...not the situation with Noel...not even Alison.
As Emily begrudgingly picked through the clothing, she heard a pair of heels walk up to the table she was standing by.
She instinctively looked up.
To say Emily was surprised to see Hanna Marin standing in front of her at a church event was an understatement.
"Hey Em!" Hanna greeted cheerily.
Emily's eyes widened slightly.
"Hanna! Hi," she spurted out, clearly not prepared to see the blonde at all.
Hanna, however, acted as if it was any other regular day and that it was entirely normal for them to be chatting.
"Did your mom drag you to this too?" Hanna asked, her face grimacing with disgust as she picked up a shirt with the tips of her fingers.
Emily was still trying to process that Hanna was there...standing in front of her and actively talking to her.
"Um yeah," she answered cautiously, "Wait, your mom is here?"
Hanna snorted, "It was a shocker for me too. She normally wouldn't be caught dead in a place like this, but she's dating the pastor."
Emily gave her a look of pure surprise, "Your mom? And pastor Ted?"
Hanna's eyes lit up, "Weird right? Anyways they hit it off and next thing you know, she's forcing me to pick through gross used clothing."
Emily smiled. It felt so nice to hear Hanna's voice again, and it felt so natural to talk to her.
Emily directed her eyes back to the clothes, but then she looked up at Hanna deviously, "I figured you were here because of community service," she teased with a smirk.
Hanna opened her mouth in shock and proceeded to throw a shirt at the brunette. Emily couldn't help but laugh, and Hanna starting giggling too.
As their laughs died down, Hanna gave her a small, sad smile.
"I've missed you Em," she said sweetly.
Emily's smile faltered and she glanced down at the clothes.
"I've missed you too."
For a moment Emily entirely forgot about everything, but after Hanna said that, she was quickly reminded of reality.
Please don't- "Ali has missed you," Hanna said boldly.
Emily froze momentarily, but then took a deep breath and continued sorting the clothes, ignoring Hanna's statement.
She was happy to see Hanna, but she felt completely uncomfortable and awkward now.
Hanna seemed to quickly get the message from Emily's silence.
"How was Texas?" Hanna asked, changing the direction of the conversation.
Emily felt a weight lift off of her shoulders.
She shrugged, "It was alright. Kinda boring in all honesty, but it was nice being with my dad."
"Did you make any friends?" Hanna asked casually.
She figured Hanna was just trying to talk so that she didn't have to actually sort the clothes, so Emily innocently replied: "Yeah, I met a girl on the Army base."
Hanna gave her a look that Emily couldn't place.
"Oh? Did you two hang out a lot?" She probed.
"We did," Emily replied shortly.
"Did? Are you two not talking anymore?" Hanna continued her interrogation.
"No. How's Caleb?" Emily asked back, desperately trying to get Hanna to drop the subject.
"How come?" The blonde asked.
Emily shrugged as she grabbed another bin of clothes, "It just didn't work out."
Hanna finally started helping the brunette with their tedious task and grabbed a pile of clothes.
"What was her name?" She kept inquiring.
At that, Emily squinted her eyes and studied Hanna inquisitively. She didn't mind small talking with her, but by the time the fourth question came out of the blonde's mouth, Emily became suspicious.
"Why?" Emily asked back with a hint of distrust in her voice.
Hanna broke their eye contact and continued sorting the shirts.
Emily suddenly felt guilty. Hanna is probably just trying to be nice and not make this awkward and I'm being a bitch.
"Her name is Maya," Emily finally offered up more information.
Hanna smiled, "That's a pretty name. What's she like?"
"She's nice. You would like her," Emily answered, but was still careful to not give up too much information.
"Probably not if you two aren't friends anymore," Hanna replied with a wink.
Emily smiled lightly but turned her focus back to the never-ending pile of clothes. Emily never was a good liar, and she figured it was harmless to share some more with Hanna, so she said: "Well we weren't just friends, so..."
Hanna dropped the shirt in her hand unceremoniously in surprise.
"Damn Em!" She exclaimed seemingly casual, but unbeknownst to Emily, Hanna already knew that fact.
Emily blushed and looked away shyly.
"Well what happened?" Hanna pestered.
Emily now began to kick herself for sharing so much. Of course Hanna wouldn't drop it when I said that. Damnit she's probably going to tell Ali now. What was I thinking?
"There's not much to say really," Emily replied quietly.
Hanna stayed quite for a moment as they both simultaneously worked.
"So..." Hanna said with a tone that made Emily's ears perk up, "...You're single then," she finished.
"Yeah," Emily answered cautiously as she met the blue eyes looking back her. All of the sudden, Hanna seemed shy.
"Well, I happen to know someone who could change that," the blonde chose to say boldly.
Oh my god.
Despite Hanna thinking she was sly, Emily caught on to what was happening. It took her awhile, but she finally put two and two together.
Emily angrily tossed a shirt to the side.
"What is this?" She asked harshly in an accusatory tone.
She could see the panic in Hanna's eyes. "Nothing I was-" "-Don't," Emily interrupted as she put a hand out to stop the blonde from explaining herself.
Emily shook her head in disbelief and turned to walk away. She knew it wasn't necessarily Hanna's fault. She knew Alison put her best friend up to the challenge of figuring out what was going on in her personal life, but that somehow made her more angry.
Emily suddenly spun back around to face Hanna.
"You can tell Ali that if she wants to ask me things, she can do it herself," she spat out.
To confirm her theory, Hanna didn't have anything to say in her own defense. Emily scoffed and stomped off out of the church, leaving the room with a loud bang of the closing door.
Alison
"When I think about time, I think of how quickly it passes.
I think of all the things we could have done with our time and all the days and weeks I was yours and you were mine.
The first time I met you, we were only neighbors, and I know my memory is a little faded, but from that moment my love for you has never wavered. Time has moved on since that memory, and we have all these new ones to share. Some of them are beautiful, some are ugly, some don't even seem fair.
I think about all our trials, our road trips, festivals, and the nights spent talking about our future. Somewhere along the way we lost ourselves and lost each other. To be without you is an ache, a feeling of seeing you in all things and every color.
I know we have our own journeys, our demons to fight, but I wanted you to know I think of you and us almost every night.
Even if we are apart, I grow for you and I know that you grow for me too. Because in the end I know that you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen, and all I want for us is to be together again."
-a poem from Pillow Thoughts 2 by Courtney Peppernell
That same evening,
"What do you mean it went badly? How bad?" Alison asked loudly through the phone.
She was laying on her bed attempting to get homework done before Hanna had called her.
She made her best friend promise to call her afterwards to give her an update on how their plan went.
Hanna sighed, "If you consider Emily storming out of the room bad, then yeah, it was bad. God, she probably hates me now."
Alison sat up on her knees. "What the hell did you do to make her storm out?" She accused.
"I just did what you told me to do Ali!" Hanna replied in a high pitch voice, her guilt flowing through the phone.
Alison knew her best friend better than that, and she was currently pissed at herself for sending Hanna on the secret mission.
"Okay, okay. I may have said more than what you told me to," Hanna admitted after Alison stayed silent.
Alison closed her eyes in frustration and took a deep breath.
"Good news though! She's single," Hanna said in an attempt to get herself out of trouble.
Alison's irritation dissipated slightly at the mention of Emily being single.
"Wait, really?"
"Yup. There's nothing going on with Maya anymore."
Alison furrowed her eyebrows, "Maya?"
"The girl from Texas," Hanna explained.
Alison paused. She didn't know why simply hearing the girl's name made her blood boil. Seeing the pictures of the two of them on Emily's Instagram was enough to make her want to punch a wall, but knowing her name somehow made the girl more real.
She felt her stomach drop. She had wanted nothing more than to hear that Emily was single, but for some reason it also made things more complicated.
She hasn't been ignoring me because she's with someone...so it's because of something else.
Maybe she still hasn't forgiven me for lying to her mom. Maybe she still hasn't forgiven me because I agreed to go to prom with Tyler. Maybe she still hasn't forgiven me for when I said I hated her.
Or it could be something worse entirely...she really might have fallen out of love with me. She really might have moved on.
"Hello? You still there?" Hanna asked, interrupting her thoughts.
"What else did you say?"
"I may have mentioned that you want her back," Hanna replied hesitantly.
Alison groaned, "Hanna, she knows that already. You weren't supposed to mention me at all!"
"I know. I'm sorry. I was just trying to help."
"Great. Now she knows I put you up to that," Alison complained.
"She also told me to tell you that if you want to ask her questions who should ask her yourself," Hanna added in a guilty tone.
Alison groaned again, "Damnit."
"Ali I'm sorry I-"
The sound of glass shattering downstairs made Alison flinch. She tuned Hanna's apology out and listened to a loud curse from her mother.
"Hey I gotta go," Alison said dismissively as her thoughts drifted to what was going on downstairs.
"Are you mad at me?"
"No it's fine. I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Yeah I'll be there at 7:30."
"Perfect, Bye."
"Bye."
Alison tossed her phone to the side and went to leave her room, but as she gripped the door handle she heard her mother curse again.
She thought of the possibilities of what could happen if she went downstairs. Her mother rarely was kind when she was drunk.
Alison knew that all too well, yet she still cared about her. Jessica was her mom after all. Even in spite of how terrible of a mother she was, nothing could change the fact that Alison still worried about her.
So she opened her door and slowly went down the stairs, trying to assess the situation. After she saw that her mom wasn't in the living room, she rounded the corner into the kitchen.
She gasped lightly after seeing the blood dripping from her mother's hand.
Jessica was holding her hand over the sink with the kitchen towel wrapped around it.
"Mom," Alison said with worry and rushed over to her.
She cautiously put one hand on her mother's forearm and put another around the towel that had soaked through with blood.
"I was trying to pick it up," her mother slurred and nodded her head to the shards of glass on the floor beside her.
Alison didn't even need to look to know what her mom had cut her hand on. It was a regular occurrence that Jessica would break her wine glasses. Instead she carefully pulled back the towel to inspect the cut.
She cringed when she saw the large gash on her mother's palm and wrapped the towel back over Jessica's hand, applying pressure to stop the bleeding.
"You need stitches mom. Let me drive you to the hospital," Alison said quietly.
Out of nowhere, her mother started crying.
"I'm sorry Alison," Jessica apologized through broken sobs.
Ali couldn't look her in the eye. It had been awhile since she had lost respect for her mom. She cared for her, but respect was something else entirely.
Alison didn't necessarily want to ask Jessica what exactly she was apologizing for, but she figured her mom would continue anyways.
"What for?" She asked as she held the towel tightly.
"I haven't been a good mom to you. I know that. It's all my fault," she cried.
Alison finally looked her mom in the eyes.
She saw the familiar glassiness in them. It was her mom who was apologizing; however, it was her mom who was under the influence, and words spoken while drunk didn't hold a lot of weight to them.
"Let's just get you to the hospital, okay?" Alison instructed again.
Jessica shook her head like a child, "I'll be fine."
Alison sighed. This was definitely not how she wanted to spend her night. She was well aware of the irony that she, the child, was taking care of her mom, but who else was going to help her?
She reached over and swiped up a clean towel, replacing the bloody one with a new one.
"Come on," Alison said as she tugged on her mom's arm gently.
"You know..." her mom slurred, "...I never wanted to be a mom."
Alison took a deep breath and focused on holding the towel on her mom's hand. Please stop talking.
"I was happy with my life before you and Jason. I told your dad I wouldn't be a good mother." Why are you telling me this?
Alison gritted her teeth together.
"But your dad insisted on it," Jessica continued through her drunken voice.
"Mom lets go-" "-and where is he now? In his fancy apartment with his expensive whiskey and not a care in the world!"
It was taking all of Alison's patience to keep it together.
"It's okay mom. Let's get you in the car," Alison instructed yet again, but her mom was on a tangent.
"He left me all alone in this big house with kids who don't even love me," Jessica finished.
Her mom could care less that she was bleeding profusely, but Alison would be damned if she let a silly cut be the end of Jessica DiLaurentis.
What if I wasn't home?
"I do love you mom," Alison said as sincerely as she could.
"You don't, and I don't blame you," her mother slurred, the alcohol on her breath permeating the space between them.
Alison questioned for a moment if she really did love her mom or not. She had struggled with the concept of love and what it all meant for a long time.
Maybe in order to love someone you have to trust and respect them? She thought, but I must love her because even after everything she has done, I still care about her.
"You should just leave like your father did. I would if I were you," Jessica added.
At that, Alison lost her patience.
"Mom, stop the victim act. It's not the time. We need to go get this stitched up or it won't stop bleeding, okay?" She said firmly.
It was a risk to talk to her mom that way, but thankfully Jessica wasn't in the fighting mood tonight. To Alison's relief, she nodded her head and let her daughter lead her out of the house.
That next morning,
Alison huffed as she tossed her purse onto the floorboard of Hanna's car. She didn't even greet her friend as she pulled the seatbelt around her body and took a giant swig of coffee from her to-go cup.
"You good?" Hanna asked curiously.
Alison groaned and side eyed her with annoyance, "I'm exhausted."
"I can tell. You didn't even bother to cover up those bags under your eyes," she teased, which was the wrong move because Alison shot her a death glare.
"I was at the hospital for hours last night," Alison grumbled as she took another drink, desperately trying to feel like a human again.
Hanna spun in her seat, "Wait, what? The hospital?"
"Mhm," she replied nonchalantly and rubbed her temples with her fingers, "My mom cut her hand."
Hanna looked flabbergasted, "Why didn't you call me?"
Alison smirked at her, "Would you have wanted to be at the hospital until 2 a.m.?"
"No, but you still should've called me. So did she cut her hand cooking or what?" She asked as she put her car in drive.
Alison let out a sarcastic laugh, "I can't remember the last time my mom actually cooked a meal for us. Wine is her dinner..she cut her hand on a broken glass."
Hanna glanced over at her, "Is she okay?"
Alison pulled her sunglasses over her eyes.
"Yeah. She needed a few stitches. I just wish she could've cut her hand earlier in the afternoon so I could have gotten more than three hours of sleep."
Hanna gave her another look of concern, "Are you okay?"
Alison's thoughts drifted to the words her mother had said to her. Hearing Jessica say that she never wanted to be a mom was like a knife in Alison's chest.
It wasn't that it was a surprise to Alison that her mom didn't want Jason and her. A blind person could see that Jessica would rather be a rich married woman with no kids and go about her days spending her husband's money.
It was one thing assuming her mother never wanted her, but hearing it come straight from her mouth was another.
Alison and her mother had been at each other's throats since she was a little girl. Her mom would always tell her she was too strong-willed or defiant, but it never occurred to Alison that her mother resented her.
She knew it wasn't her fault. It's not like she could chose what parents she had or what family she was born into. Now though, Alison strangely felt guilty.
She wouldn't ever tell Hanna that she was starting to become seriously worried about her mother. Hanna knew her mom's drinking was bad, but she didn't know that Alison was afraid her mom might not be able to take care of herself anymore.
"I'm fine," Alison answered as she looked through her phone.
She noticed a text from Tyler asking if she wanted to study with him tonight.
Alison internally rolled her eyes. She wasn't an idiot. She knew what "studying" really meant to Tyler, but she found herself typing back and saying yes.
She figured it would be nice to spend time with someone aside from Hanna who didn't know a damn thing about what was going on in her life.
Tyler wouldn't ask about her mom, and he definitely wouldn't ask about Emily. So what was the harm?
"You shouldn't have to be taking care of your mom Ali. Especially after what she did to you. I would've let her figure out how to fix her own damn hand," Hanna suggested.
"And what? Let my own mom bleed to death in our kitchen?" Alison replied sarcastically.
"It's not like she wouldn't deserve it. Did she take you to the hospital when she smashed a glass over your head? No," Hanna said spitefully.
"Can you drive faster?" Alison complained grouchily, ignoring Hanna's comment.
Hanna raised her eyebrows, "I already got up a whole thirty minutes earlier for you."
"I want to get there before Emily does," Alison explained as she took another sip of her coffee.
"You're seriously going to put another note in her locker after what happened last night?" She asked incredulously.
"You were the one who got her mad, not me," Alison snapped back.
"The only reason she got mad was because you had me go on a whole ass spy mission."
Alison scoffed, "You had one job: find out if she's still with that one girl, not blatantly tell her I made you ask."
"Hey I still found out!" Hanna defended herself.
"You did, but remind me to never have you do that again."
"I didn't want to in the first place Ali. You should be thanking me," Hanna replied suggestively.
"Thank you Hannaaaa," Alison said sarcastically.
Hanna smiled triumphantly, "See, that wasn't too hard was it?"
Alison pulled her sunglasses down to her nose and raised her eyebrows.
"Don't push it."
Hanna pulled into the school parking lot.
"So what cheesy note are you giving her today?"
"It's not any of your business."
"Um, ever since you dragged me into operation 'Get Emily Back', I think I have a right to know," Hanna argued as she undid her seatbelt.
Alison rolled her eyes, but she reached into her purse and handed the small piece of notebook paper over to Hanna.
Hanna excitedly took the note from Alison and read it out loud: "Reasons why I love you: 2) I love how strong you are. You hold so much strength inside of you and handle everything with grace. XO"
"Wow that is cheesy," Hanna teased as she handed it back to Alison.
She shot her a look.
"And this why I don't show you things."
"I'm just kidding Ali. I think it's sweet. Did she say anything about the first one you left for her yesterday?"
Alison carefully tucked the note back inside her purse.
"She was crying Hanna. Noel bullied her in front of the entire school. I didn't really expect her to bring it up in that moment."
"He's such a dick. If I were there I would've shoved my fist down his throat," Hanna threatened.
"You were too busy shoving something else down your throat," Alison replied while wiggling her eyebrows.
"Oh my god! Stop! I was not!" Hanna squealed as her cheeks turned red.
Alison smirked, "Mhm. You're telling me you and Caleb sneak up to the rooftop just to talk? Yeah right."
"It's called quality time Ali," Hanna replied as she opened her car door.
Alison started giggling.
"Is that what we're calling quality time now?" She continued teasing Hanna, hopping out of the car as well and walking along side her.
"Okay, seriously stop. Just because you don't have a sex life doesn't mean you get to talk about mine all the time."
Alison couldn't wipe the grin off her face.
"Alright, alright. I'm waving the white flag," she conceded.
"Do you think Emily will be okay?" Hanna asked, changing the topic of conversation back.
Alison strutted up the steps of the high school, naturally parting people like the Red Sea.
"Well if Noel has any brains, he'll leave her alone now," Alison replied as she walked up to Emily's locker.
Hanna gave her a comical look.
"Wouldn't it be easier to just hand it to Emily?" She asked as she watched Alison drop the note into the locker.
"It's more mysterious this way," Alison replied.
Hanna snorted, "Pretty sure she knows who it's from. How is that mysterious?"
Alison sighed and walked off towards her locker with Hanna in tow.
"I don't know," she answered shortly.
Hanna leaned against her locker with a big smirk on her face.
"What?" Alison asked sharply.
"She makes you nervous. That's why you aren't just giving them to her in person."
"Shut up," Alison snapped back and opened her locker to grab a book.
"Emily makes you nervousssss," Hanna kept teasing in a sing-song voice.
Alison pursed her lips and glared at her.
"Stop it."
Hanna now was the one with a shit-eating grin on her face.
"Alison and Emily sitting in a tree-"
"-Are you five?"
"K-I-S-S-I-N-G"
Alison rolled her eyes dramatically.
"I wish."
Hanna ignored her and kept going: "First comes loveeee."
Alison raised her eyebrows in impatience, but as hard as she tried to keep a straight face, a grin started forming on her lips as she watched her best friend tease her and sing a childhood song.
"Then comes marriageeee."
"Are you done?" Alison asked sassily as she shut her locker.
"Then comes babyyyy."
Alison rolled her tongue in her mouth, trying to fight a smile. She shook her head and started to walk away from Hanna.
Hanna ran after her.
"I saw you smile!"
"Whatever," Alison shot back.
Hanna bumped her elbow into Alison's side.
Alison shook her head again as they both walked off to their classes with big smiles on their faces.
Alison was pleasantly surprised to see her mom asleep in her bed when she came home after school.
She wasn't so happy to see the opened bottle of wine on her nightstand, but Alison was still relieved to see her mother home resting in bed.
Alison carefully closed her mom's bedroom door and crept up the stairs. She knew it was pointless to even check if Jason was home, but she did anyways. She didn't know when he would be returning from Georgia. His room was empty...well not empty from a mess but empty of him.
Once she got in her bedroom, she tossed her purse on her chair and flopped onto her bed.
As per usual, she opened her phone to look for any notifications. Well, more like checking to see if there was a message from Emily.
For the millionth time since summer, she was let down again after seeing nothing on her phone.
Alison assumed Emily still had her blocked. She wasn't sure. She hadn't tried to call or text the brunette since she left for Texas out of a respect of her boundaries.
Alison internally cringed when she thought of the hundreds of calls and texts she sent Emily when she was drinking her days away. She wished for nothing more than to go back in time and change the things she did, but she couldn't.
It weighed on her...heavily.
Of course she confided in Hanna about missing Emily and her plots to redeem herself, but her friend only knew the half of it.
Hanna didn't know of the sheer amount of heartbreak Alison had been dealing with.
She didn't know of the many sleepless nights Alison spent laying in bed looking up at the ceiling.
She didn't know of the thousands of hours Alison had stared at the pictures of her and Emily.
She didn't know how hard it was for Alison to get out of bed in the morning and put on her makeup and do her hair.
She didn't know of the million tissue boxes Alison had used up.
She didn't know of the new tick Alison had of pinching her skin to make herself feel something.
She didn't know of Alison's new coping mechanism of taking naps during the day just so she could shut her mind off.
She didn't know how often Alison wondered if there was something seriously wrong with herself.
She didn't know that Alison was depressed.
Alison sighed and set her phone to the side. As she stared at her bedroom wall, she considered taking a nap before Tyler came over. She actually was sleep deprived today.
Alison felt the familiar swell of tears building in her eyes. She wasn't even sure why she was about to cry. She chalked it up to emotional and physical exhaustion.
Except laying in bed, staring at her bedroom wall, and crying wasn't a rare occurrence. In fact, it happened every day.
Alison missed Emily with every part of her being, but she knew missing the brunette wasn't the only reason as to why she felt so...sad.
It did terrify her, however, just how much of her own happiness depended on the brunette in the past.
She made herself consciously aware of that. She didn't want to rely on Emily being the sole source of her happiness.
Alison knew how messed up that was, but it naturally happened. Over the summer, after months of being alone in her bedroom, she had realized that Emily was more than just the love of her life.
Emily was her safe place.
She was Alison's place to land in the storm. She was the only person Alison could completely let her guard down and be herself around. She was the only person who could get Alison to feel...normal.
Alison would often say to Emily that she was her person, but it wasn't till after the breakup that she realized just exactly what that meant.
After that realization, Alison was beyond terrified. She was faced with a whole new demon now.
How do I get myself to find joy without her? Where do I begin to feel like a normal human? What do I do if I have lost her forever?
Alison meant every single word she had wrote in the letter to Emily. She wanted to love herself.
She had worked through all of her anger...god did she work through it.
If she could list the amount of notebook pages she spent journaling...if she could describe the emotional drainage she felt digging through her memories of childhood trauma...if she could fill a bucket full of her sweat from her new workout regimen...if she could let you hear the screams she had pushed through her lungs onto her pillow...if only.
The anger wasn't an issue for Alison anymore. She did the work. Sure she got angry still, but this new emotional was a whole other beast on its own:
Sadness.
Alison had never felt so uncomfortable in her own skin before. She had made sure that she was comfortable with herself for the longest time in the past.
The only reason she was comfortable in the past was because she buried her feelings. She shoved away the pain. She dissociated from the trauma. She focused on trivial things. She distracted herself.
That Alison was gone now.
Emily had triggered a whole awakening for Alison.
The emotions she felt after the breakup was a catalyst for her. Alison had no choice but to delve deep into the anger hidden in the depths of her soul.
She had originally thought if she did the emotional work for herself that things inside of her would magically change.
She was wrong.
Alison didn't think that once she faced her trauma head on she would come face to face with another demon afterwards: overwhelming sadness.
Alison saw the world differently now. She saw people differently.
Having a new perspective changes a person.
Instead of being angry at her dad for leaving, she saw more now. She saw the way her dad was raised in an abusive, strict home. She saw how that made him mechanical, emotionless, and hardened. She understood why her dad was the man is he today.
Instead of being angry at her mom for drinking, she saw more now. She saw the way her mom grew up with absent parents. She saw why her mother had fallen apart after her father abandoned her. She saw why Jessica had a fear of being a parent. She understood why her mom was the woman she is today.
Instead of being angry at Emily for breaking up with her and dating someone else, she saw more now. She saw what being an only child did to Emily. She saw the effect of having a strict mother and a father away from the home had on her. She saw why it was such a big deal to Emily that she came out to her parents. In turn, she saw why Emily was terrified of backsliding into the closet. She saw why Emily put so much pressure on herself to achieve greatness. She understood why Emily was the girl she is today.
Alison wondered if this new perspective is what being selfless is, or if this is what empathy felt like. She wasn't quite sure.
She used to view selfishness as a good thing. It was her way of survival and a way to protect herself.
Alison wasn't sure why this all made her so sad. Maybe because she saw reality for what it was, and she couldn't do anything to change it.
She may be able to understand people better...the way they were...the way she was, but that somehow was worse.
She may not harbor a overwhelming amount of anger or guilt, but she still couldn't change the things that were done to her or the things she had done to others.
Instead of being angry at herself for the stupid actions she had done, she saw herself differently. She saw what having a emotionally distant father did to her. She saw what a verbally abusive mother did to her. She saw the effect of having a tumultuous home life had on her. She saw why she struggled to make genuine connections. She saw why she wrestled with love and empathy. She understood why she was the person she is today.
The world was an ugly place. Alison knew that, but it's worse when you're more aware of it. She saw the cause and effect of everything around her, but what she didn't understand is what was next for her.
She felt extremely stuck.
Alison heard all of her classmates talking about college and all of the places they wanted to go, but she hadn't even given college a second thought.
She was a semi decent student. School had never been her strongest suit. She was better at the social aspect of it. She was always somewhat in the middle of the road when it came to her grades.
The beginning of her junior year was consumed by Emily. The end of it was consumed by alcohol. The summer was consumed by bettering herself.
Bettering herself meant focusing on the past. That wasn't easy, but focusing on the future seemed way more daunting.
She was sure her father would pay for any school she got into. Money wasn't an issue, but Alison found very quickly that she didn't want to go to college.
It wasn't that she had no drive or ambition. That wasn't the case. Rather, she simply saw no point in it.
How could she chose a career at eighteen when she was just beginning to barely scratch the surface of figuring out who she is?
How could she apply for a college thousands of miles away when the one thing she is sure of...the one person she is sure of...lived only one mile away.
Ever since Alison reached adolescence she had wanted nothing more than to leave her home and escape her godforsaken town.
She knew leaving her house would be easy because it never truly felt like a home. She knew leaving her mom, dad, and brother would be easy because they never truly felt like a family.
All of this Alison was so sure of, but now that graduation was getting closer, she realized this decision was becoming swayed by something less of what she wanted to do and more of what she needed to do.
And what she needed to do was something she definitely didn't want to do.
There was a whole new circumstance that came into play that Alison could have never foreseen:
Taking care of her mom.
Alison knew there was no chance that Jason would stay and take care of their mother. Granted, he barely was home already as it was. Sometimes she had a sneaking suspicion that the only reason Jason still "lived" at home was because of her.
They never had the closest relationship. Alison thought for the longest time that Jason held resentment for her ever since she was born. She figured he wanted to be an only child and was simply jealous of her.
However, Alison could now see that Jason was never given the proper tools to have genuine relationships just like her. It didn't come as a surprise that the two of them never connected as brother and sister.
Sure, they had an unspoken respect for each other. When things would get really bad when they were kids, Jason would somehow find a way to make her feel better.
It was ironic to think that their best memories together as siblings were when Jason was trying to comfort her because of their parents fighting.
It made Alison sad that the two of them never formed a close bond like most siblings do. Trauma has a weird way of either bringing people together or pushing them apart, and they were the latter.
Alison also knew very well that hell would freeze over the day her father would ever take care of their mother.
So that left one person who could keep Jessica from drinking herself into an early grave: Alison.
She was truly worried about her mother's health. Jessica had slowly gotten herself into a state where she couldn't take care of herself.
Alison knew that if she left for college next year, it wouldn't take long for her mom to kill herself with drinking.
She couldn't force her mom into sobriety or to go to rehab, but there were certain things Alison could control if she stayed home with her mom.
She could make sure Jessica had food to eat. She could make sure her mom didn't decide to go driving after a night of drinking. She could make sure Jessica could get into her own bed to sleep at night.
How could she plan for a future when a huge responsibility has been placed on her?
If Alison heard herself a few years ago that she was debating on staying in Rosewood to help her mom, she would've laughed in her own face.
Her heart did a flip when she heard her phone ding beside her, but it instantly sank to her stomach when she saw Tyler's name.
He said he was on his way.
Alison climbed off of her bed and went to check herself in the mirror. She turned on some music to drown out her thoughts.
As she touched up her makeup, her phone lit up on the bed a few feet away from her, but she didn't hear the buzzing over the sound of the music.
She missed the call...
A call from Emily.
"This is getting old. Want to watch a movie?" Tyler asked while giving Alison puppy dog eyes.
He was laying on the floor with his back pressed up against the couch.
It had been almost an hour of studying, and in all honesty, Alison was getting tired of it as well.
She shrugged.
"Sure."
As she put her books on the coffee table, Tyler sat up on the couch beside her.
She froze.
All she could hear was Hanna's voice telling her that she was leading him on.
Alison did tell Tyler she wasn't looking for a relationship, but she felt guilty for the part of her that enjoyed the attention.
She casually scooted a few inches away from him as she reached to grab the remote.
Just as she turned the tv on, the doorbell rang.
Her eyebrows furrowed.
"Are you expecting anyone?" Tyler asked.
"No," she replied as she got up from the couch, "Give me a sec?"
"Sure. I'll pick a movie."
Alison walked into the hall and absentmindedly unlocked the door.
She assumed it was a package delivery or maybe a friend of her mom's.
She swung the door open.
Alison's heart nearly jumped out of her chest when her eyes landed on Emily standing on her front porch.
It only took her a millisecond to notice the brunette's tear-stained face and bloodshot eyes.
"Emily," she choked out in shock.
Just as Alison said her name, Emily's lips quivered and more tears flowed from her eyes.
Alison snapped herself out of it and took a step over the threshold closer to her.
"Em..." she said with worry and put both of her hands on the brunette's arms.
"I..." Emily tried to speak, but she was too distraught.
Alison's eyes searched her up and down with concern written all over the blonde's face.
Seeing the anguish in Emily's eyes broke her heart.
Alison cupped Emily's cheeks with her hands.
"Emily what's wrong?"
A sob escaped the brunette's mouth.
All Alison could do was hold her and wait for Emily to say something.
She didn't know what was wrong.
She was still rattled from the shock that Emily was even there.
Alison moved to pull her into a hug. It was the only thing she could think of doing.
She was even more surprised when Emily tightly clutched the back of her shirt with both of her hands.
"Everything all good Al?" Tyler shouted from inside the house.
Alison felt Emily stiffen in her arms.
She had entirely forgotten Tyler was even inside of the house until he said something.
Almost instantly Emily pulled out of the embrace.
Alison physically saw the brunette turn off her vulnerability.
She saw Emily look back in the direction behind her into the house.
"I shouldn't have come here...I'm sorry," Emily muttered out quickly and turned around.
"Emily no," Alison begged and grabbed her wrist, but Emily yanked her hand away and started walking away.
"Emily!"
Alison looked down at her bare feet for a moment.
She cursed under her breath and took off after Emily despite how much it was going to hurt the bottom of her feet to run along the rocks.
"Emily stop!" She shouted from the top of her lungs.
She grimaced once her feet left the porch and touched the ground.
Of course Emily had to be the athlete that she was and run away as fast as she could from her.
Alison almost reached the brunette's car once Emily got inside.
"Emily!" She screamed desperately one last time before Emily turned her car on and drove off, her tires squealing on the pavement.
She let out a breath with her hands on the back of her head.
"Damnit!" She angrily shouted out into the dark, watching Emily's tailgate lights disappear on the street.
Another cliffhanger?! I know...I have a problem.
Did I come back after my hiatus with a bang? I hope so!
I know there wasn't a lot of Emison in this chapter, but we're still traveling down the dark and twisty parts of their separation. We might as well call it Angstwood instead of Rosewood at this point.
Let's recap shall we? So Alison is trying her damned hardest to win Emily back...showing up out of the blue after Emily's swimming practice, sending Hanna on a (semi?)-successful mission, and leaving sweet little notes.
Emily hasn't had the best welcome at Rosewood High thanks to Noel, but can we talk about Alison swooping in to save the day?
Emily is really fighting against her love for Alison. Is our girl delulu? Maybe. Alison is making it really hard for her to try to move on.
Mrs. D is still a hot mess and Alison has the weight of taking care of her mother on her shoulders now. Our poor girl is really struggling mentally.
Last but not least, Emily finally was the one to come to Alison instead of the other way around. Do we think she was about to open up to Alison or??
As always leave some reviews and let me know your thoughts.
I appreciate all of you!
Much love,
3mison.
